#wanted to stay home but that would mean id get a zero for 3 assessments cuz i wasn't sick

[tassaonkaikki]

ok voiton puolella aside this is going to be the shittest day in a while

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season twenty-one, episode eleven: nothing in the world makes any type of sense anymore and i don’t know what to do about it

Raven and Nick boned!

Probably!

Raven’s feeling alive, and they literally cut to what must be the best montage in Bachelor History. We get Raven petting a dog! We get Raven sledding, making snow angels, just being precious. Raven had an orgasm, and we all are better for it. It’s their version of the 500 Days of Summer montage, something that should recur more in cinema and pop culture.

Queen Rachel is so excited to be in Upper Lapland, Finland, where she’s thriled to be with Nick, and the two of them are going cross-country skiing, something they’ve never done. Rachel falls. A lot. Rachel and I have that in common, and I’m far from “sporty”. I literally had no idea what cross-country skiing was until this very moment. They get to meet reindeer and feed them and ugh, I’m so jealous. I wish someone had told me before how cute reindeer are. They go into a bungalow and drink some hot… something, and Rachel talks about how afraid she is to tell him how she feels because she fears rejection. They talk about this, and their chemistry is so real. It makes zero sense that he doesn’t pick her. None. I mean, she gets the better end of the deal, but still. Nick says something like, “I may be white, but I’m still a minority” when she says he’s rare, not like other guys. I barfed everywhere. Don’t say that to a black woman, Nick.

They head to dinner, where Rachel talks about how hard it is for her to be open about her feelings when she doesn’t know the outcome. It’s a rare thing for this show - a pure, true, and honest moment. When Rachel finally does tell him she’s falling for him, his reaction is great, and so is hers. They’re giggling and kissing and seem genuinely happy. He tells her he’s falling for her too, and again, HOW DOES HE NOT PICK HER?

Nick slips his hand under the meat and cheese plate, and it’s...

**A FANTASY SUITE CAAAAAARD1!!!!!!!!!***

They head off to the room, presumably to play checkers.

The next morning they’re in bliss - Nick makes breakfast, Rachel wears pajamas with penguins on them - and things seem to have gone well. Rachel’s certain she got the rose and is excited to meet Nick’s parents because she gives good parent 2.

We’re off to Vanessa’s date, where she’s excited to see Nick because she still has questions. Mainly if he was put off by her crazy family and their expectations, since their hometown dates didn’t go that well. But first: they’re going to jump into a vat of freezing cold water, then into a sauna, and back and forth.

Fuck all of this, this sounds like a nightmare.

Being cold is the worst, but you’re expecting me to get comfortable in something warm and then go BACK into the cold? NO BYE NO.

They’re going to stay in the cold water for 10 seconds, and I would be noping the hell out of there in an instant. They can’t even make it 10 seconds because it hurts too damn badly, and they run back into the sauna. They’re kissing and being cute in the sauna and then they RUN BACK OUTSIDE INTO THE COLD WATER. Vanessa’s game for it, surprisingly, after the first few times, but Nick hates it all so much. Vanessa and Nick talk about how they’re happy to face their fears (ice cold water) that they can get through anything together. They then get in a jacuzzi and make out and talk about Vanessa’s family. They talk about how Vanessa’s family is very traditional and Nick isn’t. He doesn’t want to get bogged down in what “should be done”, in a way. He’s poorly articulating this, as is the usual for Nick, but that’s his point. Vanessa, who has a checklist of traits she wants in a guy, refuses to compromise on her core values. Vanessa wants to have lunch in Montreal every Sunday with her family. Vanessa, though, wants Nick to remember that a relationship is based on compromise - him compromising with her, it seems.

Their date is very confusing. Vanessa’s upset that she thinks that Nick doesn’t want to be as close to her family as she is, and THAT IS A DEALBREAKER. Nick basically is asking for the two of them to lay out their terms and meet in the middle somewhere along the way, whereas Vanessa is stubborn - for one, she wants to live in Canada, and Nick doesn’t see himself living there. They come to a strange conclusion that isn’t really a conclusion. Things have always been “heavy” between them, to use Vanessa’s term, and it really does seem like they don’t agree on much of anything. They’re impulsive and stubborn, but I’m glad they care about each other enough to actually talk about this shit. Vanessa tells Nick she’s falling in love with him, and they kiss.

He presents her with...

A FANTY SWEET CARD!!!!!!!!!

She accepts, and they go to their room to presumably clip their toenails.

The next morning, Vanessa looks fabulous wrapped in a feather blanket, and she has a “better idea of who Nick is now”. Aka, they boned. She’s still feeling unsure, though.

All the ladies trudge through the snow to get to Aurora Manor, where the Rose Ceremony will take place. Rachel looks amazing. Nick knows what he’s going to do, and what he does makes zero damn sense.

Raven gets the first rose.

Vanessa gets the second.

Queen Rachel is going home, or really, off to be The Bachelorette.3

Nick can barely look at her and presumably can barely live with himself. He’s actually crying. When they go to sit next to each other, they’re both speechless. Because this makes no sense. He can’t even come up with a proper description as to why he sent her home - he just wants her to know that he loves her and he thinks she’s great and wonderful and amazing, and she’s sent off into the Black SUV of Death. She talks about how she wants a love that’s great and how hard it is to hear how great you are and how much love someone has for you… but you’re not enough. She wants someone to have an ineffable, inexplicable love for her and she wants to give it right back.

Luckily for you, Queen Rachel, your time is near.

Random Assessments of Women Tell All:

I fucking hate WTA.

Jacqueline totally thinks she’s pulling off that black lipstick. She’s not.

Why are they acting like cheese pasta is like Oprah giving away a car?

My mind totally changed about Liz. When she called out the other girls for being privileged, I swung around on her.

I wish Chris Harrison, My Bestie, would crash my bachelor viewing party, aka me eating Talenti alone in my room.

WTA should be an hour of drama and an hour of bloopers.

Taylor was totally ganged up on.

Kristina is the best.

Why are they still addressing these cards from Chris Harrison? ↩︎

Why aren’t you watching this show. ↩︎

There’s no way production didn’t tip Nick off to the potential of Rachel being Bachelorette and that’s why he sent her home. I can’t see any other way. ↩︎