#verse: pick your poison‚ babe. i'm poison either way.

[manslaught]

somehow, even being in the court room, waiting to hear her sentence after killing her dad, was less nerve-wracking than this— maybe because she at least had some idea of what to expect, but she can't be as sure now, because as much as she wants to think @ladyintree still loves her, still wants to be with her, there's no actual guarantee that tai's just going to throw her entire life away for that. mikayla's not trying to ask her to, especially when their relationship was sacrificed for her to get where she is. she's taken her hoodie on and off about three times now, unable to decide whether it's better to just wear it or save it for later. she feels ridiculous, wearing some high school hoodie at this age, but it felt right in the moment— it's not the same one she gave tai ten years ago, obviously, but it's similar enough.

she's leaning against the side of her jeep, trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach, how restless she feels, alternating between tugging at her hoodie strings and playing with her hair— a habit she thought she broke in her attempt to attract as little attention to her hands as possible, but whether it be because she's back here, dressed the same way she would have been ten years ago, or because she's just that nervous, she's not sure. this could be a horrible idea, one that ends in her heart getting broken again, but travis is probably right: she'd regret it if she didn't try, and she's already forced to live with so many other regrets as it is.

her breath catches in her throat the moment she sees tai approaching, and all mikayla can do is desperately hope that she looks less anxious than she feels. she hasn't actually planned anything she's meaning to say, because she's never been any good at that, preferring to act in the moment, no matter how much trouble that usually causes her, but it's likely a good thing, because her nerves make it almost impossible for her to think, so she would have forgotten her words anyway. still twisting a strand of her hair between her fingers, she shifts slightly against her car, trying to remain casual. “ hi. ”

[nolita-fairytale]

Carmy as Your Baby Daddy | Social Media AU & Headcanon Series | part one

masterlist | part two now that i've finished my top gun: maverick series, it's me i'm back and gearing up for season two. after a bout of food poisoning, i finally cracked and am writing this pregnancy headcanon that i said i wouldn't bc my ovaries would explode (looking at you @allthefandomstogether). anyways, a huge thank you to @carmensberzattos who pinged many an ideas back and forth about carmy as your baby daddy and screamed into the abyss about this on a friday night. i'm writing this with my main character from the make your heart surrender-verse, but can absolutely read as a standalone piece. posting now because i'm so damn excited but i may go back and add some more things later.

oh and this a headcanon series now so. that part.

carmy as your baby daddy:

sometime after the wedding, you and carmy decide that you're ready to start a family. you're not trying but you're not not trying, meaning you've gone off of birth control but you're not carefully monitoring your ovulation cycle either. you both figure that it'll happen when it happens and if it doesn't, there are many other ways to make a family.

carmy never really thought about having kids until the two of you got together. after adopting your kitty together, carmy got to see a your more nurturing side and taking care of something together as a team made him think about how much he wants a family with you. after sugar has her baby it really ups the ante. seeing carmy become an uncle is what starts the conversation about seriously starting a family, and every time carmy sees you holding the baby, it's 'when our kids this, and when our kids that' for days after.

you swear it's food poisoning. after a somewhat questionable late night meal, you spend half the night vomiting while carmy works a later night at the restaurant. you text him to bring ginger ale and tums home. of course he comes through because are you kidding this man is a caretaker?!

you insist that you're fine and much better, even though you're absolutely exhausted. things are so busy at work for you (and have i mentioned the pregnancy fatigue) that you don't think much of it when a few nights later, you find yourself kneeling on the bathroom floor once again.

there are always little kids running around at the extended family gatherings and which led to your realization (when you first met everyone) that carmy is surprisingly good with kids.

it's not till a week or two later (after your little bout of 'food poisoning') that you're at cicero's place for a family birthday party that it hits you. one of carmy's cousins (not richie kind of cousin teehee) has just had a new baby with his wife. you've been catching up with ava, richie's daughter because you've become an auntie of sorts to her. you find some time to steal away for a some girl-time but when you return, carmy is holding his new niece/nephew in his arms.

the sight of him holding the baby not only takes your goddamn breath away as he stares long and hard your way, his blue eyes piercing right through your heart, but it's then that you realize that you're a few weeks late. it's like time stops as you look at him, seeing him coo at the baby with the softest look on his face. the realization hits you, clear as day.

"holy shit." is all you say, earning a few funny looks from the berzatto extended family and friends. "carm, can i borrow you for a second?" you and carmy find a quiet place to talk inside. "you okay, babe?" "carmy i think i'm-. what if i-. i'm late." "what do you-? like.. late late?" "now that i think about it, a few weeks late, honey." "yeah?" he asks you, totally in shock and eyes wide. "yeah."

the two of you make an excuse to leave the party as soon as possible, and hurry to the nearest drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test. you wait till you're home to take it. "do you want me to come in, sweetheart?" "no, carmy! i don't want you to watch me pee, you weirdo!" you answer, even though you know he's just excited.

the two of you are pacing back and forth, practically making dents in the floor with your footsteps for what feels like the longest two minutes of your lives. when your timer goes off, you're both simultaneously freaking out about the fact that you're lives are about to change forever, while also really, really hoping for a positive result. and as the fates would have it, the test is positive.

"holy shit. holy fucking shit. we're- you're-, we're gonna-!" carmy is ecstatic as searches for words. "we're having a baby, baby!" you squeal jumping into his arms." "god, i love you so much," he says, grinning at you as wrap your legs around his waist. "i love you too, carm. so, so much."

you literally get the biggest kick out of calling him your baby daddy: to friends and family, coworkers, random strangers, in restaurants, at the gas station. you'll take photos of him at the farmers market and post on your ig story referring to him as your baby daddy because you find it hilarious. carmy doesn't find it as funny (even though he secretly loves it) and he's cherry-tomato red when you tell the checkout clerk at the bodega across the street from your place that your baby daddy is going to pick up the tab.

everyone at the restaurant is so excited for you! even richie cries a little when you tell him the news. you hadn't really gotten close to richie until ava grew super attached to you, which opened up a whole new avenue and understanding for your friendship with richie.

ever since you found out you were pregnant, carmy always has bread and ginger ale on hand for your morning sickness. he started making you your favorite soft scrambled eggs with toast, but the chives have been way too strong of a flavor for a sensitive tummy. it's slowly become eggs & toast and then just... toast, which you promptly apologize for stripping away any kind of artistic freedom he may have previously had.

you get near compulsive cravings for certain foods, and carmy is always ready to throw on a jacket and run across the street when you get midnight cravings.

carmy hates seeing how tumultuous pregnancy has been during your first trimester. he's always ready with a hair tie or a glass of water for when you're done throwing up. okay hear me out: but carmy starting to wear hair ties because he wants to always have one ready for you. he'll even take off a morning with you or call your workplace if you need a sick day just so that he can take care of you. even if you don't need care, he just wants to spend time with you and be there for you while you go through it.

we already know that carmy is an acts of service king. he is the tenderest, most gentle partner and wants to be as helpful as possible. if you're sick, he wants to make you feel better. if the pregnancy hormones are raging against the machine, he's more than happy to let you be upset, or get you off by any means if the hormones go that way too. he'll sit on the bathroom floor with you and rub your back until you need to vomit again. he'll give you the best morning head of your life. he'll run a bath for you when you need one. he checks in every hour on the hour in your first trimester, which you appreciate, but eventually have to ask him to chill the fuck out.

speaking of physical changes, the pregnancy boobs are ELITE. carmy is always there to make you feel beautiful despite your rapidly changing body, esp when your clothes start fitting differently.

the first time your bump starts showing and you point it out to him, carmy cries. or maybe he notices it first and he's just like... weeping and you're like: babe r u ok? and then you realize that you're showing and carmy is kneeling and admiring your baby bump and now you're crying. sorry, but i don't make the rules it's just a fact that this is how it would go down.

carmy is so emotional about this because he realizes that he finally gets to build the family he didn't have and he gets to build it with you.

well this just hijacked my writing plans oops. part two will be more 'you & carmy pregnancy things' and part three will be birth & post-birth.

tagging my carmy taglist in the comments below!

[spade-riddles]

champagneproblesm asked:

Kinda tells a story when you pick the outro or last verse from each song backwards :

The only thing that's left is the manuscript. One last souvenir from my trip to your shores. Now and then i re read the manuscript. But the story isn't mine anymore

But now we'll curtail your curiosity in sweetness

She's been many places with men of many faces. First, they're off to the races. She's laughing drawin' aces. But, none of it is changin'. That the chariot is waitin'. Hearts are hers for the breakin. There's an escape in escaping OR she fell through the Ice then came black Alive.

But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light

When the truth Comes out it's quiet. It's so quiet .

(I'm so afraid I sealed my fate no sign of soulmates. I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige) Spending my last coin so someone will tell it'll be ok

What if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time.

I pushed each boulder up that hill.

This place made me feel worthless

Your words were just still ringing in my head.

I'm hearing voices like a mad man

Leaving me bereft and reeling, my beloved ghost and me sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G

Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses, cooler in theory but not if you force it to be, it just didn't happen.

The devil that you know looks now more like an angel. I'm the life you chose and all this terrible danger OR she IS here to destroy you

Pick your poison, babe I'm poison either way

Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes and hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons. Even if I die screaming and I hope you hear it.

Only when your girlish glow flickers just so do they let you know i's hell on earth to be heavenly. Them's the breaksThey don't come gently

They said there was no chance, trying to be the greatest in the league.

You hung me on your wall, stabbed me with your push pins. In public, showed me off then sank in stoned oblivion cause once your queen had come you treat her like an also-ran. You didn't measure up in any measure of a man

Cause i'm miserable. And no one even knows. Try and Come for my job

Your arsons match your somber eyes. And i'll still see it till the day i die. (You're the loss of my life.)

Your good lord didn't need to lift a finger.

I am what i am cause you trained me. So who's afraid of little old me?

Am i allowed to cry ?

Go on fuck me up

I did my Time.

All the wine moms are still holding out but it's over.

You'll find someone.

Waving at the ship, fuck it if i can't have him

Left all these broken parts, told me i'm better of but i'm not

Who else decodes you ? or / i chose this cyclone with you

it won't start up 'til I touch, touch, touch you

it won't start up 'til I touch, touch, touch you (fortnight)

Then midnights

I can't find a pulse my Heart won't start anymore

have they come to take me away?

You should find another guiding light

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first

It's been two thousand one hundred and 90 days of our love blackout. The system's breaking down.

I'd pay if you'd just know me. Seemed like the right thing at the time.

Levitate above all the messes made sit quiet by my side in the shade. And not the kind that's thrown, I mean The kind under where a tree has grown

it's all over, it's not meant to be. So I'll say words I don't believe

There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair. And we will never go back.

Had to do it this way 'Cause we were born to be the pawn In every lover's game

You say "what a mind" this happens all the Time

It's coming back around.

Break up, break free, break through, break down. You would break your back to make me break a smile

I think it's time to teach some lessons i made you my world. have you heard? I can reclaim the land.

I'm on my vigilante shit again.

But you were on somethin', It was one drink after another, Fuckin' politics and gender roles, And you're not sure and I don't know. Got swept away in the gray. I just may like to have a conversation

So I peered through a window, A deep portal, time travel, All the love we unravel. And the life I gave away

I'll run away

to hide that would be so dishonest. And it's fine to fake it 'til you make it. 'Til you do, 'til it's true

Pierced through the Heart but Never killed.

I feel you no matter what. The rubies that i gave up.

I find it dizzing they're bringing m'y History. But you weren't Even listening.

[chickawah23]

The imgonnagetyouback double meaning is interesting. One way it sounds like revenge but the bridge is definitely different energy than the verses. It sounds like getting back together with someone publicly

I can feel it coming, humming in the way you move. Push the reset button, we're becomin' something new. Say you got somebody, I'll say I got someone too. Even if it's handcuffed, I'm leavin' here with you. Bygones will be bygone, eras fadin' into grey (Fading into grey). We broke all the pieces, but still wanna play the game (Oh). Told my friends I hate you, but I love you just the same. Pick your poison, babe, I'm poison either way.

The bridge reminds me of Glitch a bit. Like it sounds like a plan

We were supposed to be just friends. You don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend. Depending on what kind of mood and situationship I'm in. And what's in my system…A brief interruption, a slight malfunction. I'd go back to wanting dudes who give nothing. I thought we had no chance. And that's romance, let's dance. Glitch, oh, yeah. Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch, oh, yeah. And I'm not even sorry, nights are so starry.

[azriel-sama]

Twisted Wonderland Characters as Taylor Swift lyrics/verses

Riddle : You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me (Who's afraid of little old me)

Ace : Don't call me kid, don't call me baby, look at this idiotic fool that you made me (Illicit affairs)

Deuce : I just wanted you to know that this is me trying (this is me trying)

Cater : You're not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now? (Exile)

Trey : Everyone's push and shoving, you're in the kitchen humming, all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing (sweet nothing)

Leona : My team is losing, battered and bruising

I see the high fives between the bad guys

Leave with my head hung, you are the only one

Who seems to care (Miss Americana & The heartbreak prince)

Jack : Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men? (Miss Americana & The heartbreak prince)

Ruggie : Forever is the sweetest con (cowboy like me)

Azul : I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

'Cause you got tired of my scheming (Anti-hero)

Jade : Pick your poison babe, I'm poison either way (imgonnagetyouback)

Floyd : This is why we can't have nice things, darlin'

Because you break them, I had to take them away (This is why we can't have nice things)

Kalim : The world was black and white, but we were in screaming colour(Out of the woods)

Jamil : Perched in the dark

Telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear (Cowboy Like Me)

Vil : "Babe, you gotta fake it 'till you make it" and I did

Lights camera, bitch smile

In stilletos for miles

(I can do it with a broken heart)

Rook : Don't blame me, Love made me crazy (Don't blame me)

Epel : I've never been a natural, all I do is try try try (Mirrorball)

Idia : I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind (I hate it here)

Ortho : Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room

Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home

Remember the footsteps, remember the words said

And all your little brother's favorite songs (Never grow up)

Malleus : Who's afraid of little old me? You should be. (Who's afraid of little old me?)

Silver : Should've kept every grocery store receipt, 'cause every scrap of you would be taken from me (Marjorie)

Sebek : What must it be like to grow up that beautiful? (Gold rush)

Lilia : Keep your helmet, keep your life, son

Just a flesh wound, here's your rifle

Crawling up the beaches now

"Sir, I think he's bleeding out"

And some things you just can't speak about (Epiphany)

It was all originally going to just be lyrics, but some verses were just too fitting for some characters U4HRJR

Most of these are from genuine character analysis and my understandings of them, but some of them are kind if iffy since I don't get them ykyk

[monstersliveinthemirror]

My TTPD First Listen Reactions:

1. Fortnight: ~what about your quiet treason~ HAHAH THIS HURTS BECAUSE HE MOVED TO FLORIDA WITH HIS WIFE 😂😭 

2. The tortured poets department: I definitely feel like I would like this more if I was stoned rn. ~who's gonna know you like me!!!!!~ ~sometimes I wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me~

3. My boy only breaks his favorite toys: the delusion of "I'll tell you that he runs because he loves me" okay 😭😭 he saw forever so he smashed it up in ONCE I FIX ME HE'S GONNA MISS ME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

4. Down bad: what an accurate break up song lmao. ~fuck you if I can't have us~

5. So long London: "and I'm pissed off you let me give all that youth for free" yeah fuck me spending my 20s in love with you 😡😡 

6. But Daddy I love him: I wish I had this song when I was 15 and rebellious also is this song about fucking swifties who lost it when she and Matty were together 

7. Fresh out of the slammer: this song broke me. "All those night she kept me going SWIRLED YOU INTO ALL MY POEMS" 😭. (But also I really am not a fan of the weird beat change toward the end??)

8. Florida!!!: fuck me up Florida fr. I think this might be my favorite??

9. Guilty as sin?: I am going to throw up. They don't know you how you've haunted me so stunningly. I choose you and me, religiously 😭😭😭😭 am I allow to cry????? 

10. Who's afraid of little old me?: this one is gonna have to grow on me, I think. Okay actually now that I'm into it, it's grown on me lmao

11. I can fix him (no really I can): this is...okay. just okay.

12. Loml: literally crying immediately. "I felt a glow like this, never before and never since" 😭 "I felt a hole like this, never before and ever since" 😭😭😭 LOSS OF MY LIFE??? This fuckin broke me.

13. I can do it with a broken heart: holy whiplash. A BOP????? Incredible. Wow. I love this. Thanks for rubbing how much better you are than me in my face Taylor lmao

14. The smallest man who ever lived: verse three makes this song tbh. 

15. The alchemy: aw I miss that happy in love everything is meant to be feeling.

16. Clara Bow: promise to be dazzling (I need a pinky promise emoji) the outro 🥺🥺🥺🥺

----

17. The Black Dog: "and I may never open up the way I did for you" 😭😭😭 holy fuck just break me why don't you. "I still can't believe it" 

18. imgonnagetyouback: Olivia Rodrigo has the chance to do the funniest thing ever here lmaoooo "say you got someone else say I got someone too" wow wow wow PICK YOUR POISON BABE I'M POISON EITHER WAY????!!!!!

19. The Albatross: I don't think I have anymore coherent thoughts right now but I dig it??

20. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: cause I wonder will I always wonder????????? 🥺 

21. How did it end? I really wanted to like this one but I'm not there yet lol the tempo is just weird 

22. So high school: this is so cute omg

23. I hate it here: I'm lonely but I'm good I'm bitter but I swear I'm fine.......this place made me feel worthless. It's ok I don't live in Charleston anymore. 

24. thanK you aIME: IMAGINE ANDREA SWIFT HATING YOU I really like this one it's kinda like mean 

25. I look in people's windows: "I'm afflicted by the not knowing" babe me too "does it feel alright to not know me I'm addicted to the "if only"" SCREAMING. 

26. The prophecy: fuck man fuck fuck fuck. 

27. Cassandra: oh this is for the Greek mythology girlies huh? Alright I'm in.

28. Peter: yes babe more piano pls hahah do you know how long it took me to realize this was referencing Peter Pan I'm so dumb 

29. The Bolter: "excellent fun 'til you get to know her" me too.  

30. Robin: this one is really sweet omg

31. The Manuscript: but the story isn't mine anymore 🥺

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: How do you like your  🥚🍳 in the morning? Carly: no 🐣 Carly: ha Ali: 🐔 didn't show up in your roost later, did he? Carly: he must be scared of you Carly: 🔮 Ali: or my 🐺 Carly: maybe Ali: eggs aside, how you feeling, chick? Carly: 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: 👎👎👎👎👎 Ali: unacceptable! Ali: what do you need, kill or cure? Carly: cure forever Carly: im too young to die Ali: I'll swing by with my witches brew Ali: actually doesn't taste like ☠ either Ali: pure 😇 Carly: aw Carly: really? Ali: 'course, not gonna half-arse the job Ali: and it makes a full pot, no sense in not sharing the 💚 Carly: 💙 Carly: wat does it taste like? Ali: like Christmas 🎄🎅🤶🎁❄️🌨️☃️✨🌟 Carly: 😋😊🥰 Ali: it's got ginger and peppermint in Ali: the only other person hanging out their arse is my brother and he would rather die 'cos he's grumpy 👴 man energy so Carly: no 🦃 tho yea?! ha Carly: oh no he sounds like my da Carly: which cute bro is it? Ali: definitely not 😂 Ali: some greens but not sprouts Ali: the freckly one Carly: did u heal my heart to 💔😢? Carly: course itd be the most beautiful one Ali: oh no, you're delirious Ali: I'll come quick 😜 Carly: dont b jealous 👼 hes only the most beautiful boy Ali: 😏 My ma'll be gutted Carly: do u have a tea for that? Ali: 🍋 'cos she's so bitter? Ali: I'll see if she goes for it Carly: noooo 🍯 so she wont be Ali: you're too sweet yourself, Walsh Carly: aw Carly: but ur the 1 who saved me Carly: ur the sweetest Ali: anyone would Carly: nah ur the 1st Carly: not just saying it to u get ur fairy wings Ali: had to fly away from that particular 🐔 plenty myself Ali: harmless and flightless though he is, most the time Carly: yea Carly: he talks about u wen hes been on it Carly: the 1 that flew away Ali: uh oh Ali: can't let a boy ✂ your wings Ali: ever Ali: ever Ali: 👼🏽 🐔 🐧 🐦 🐤 🐣 🐥 🦆 🦢 🦅 🦉 🦚 🦜 🦇 🐝 🦋 🐞 🦗 🦟 🐓 🦃 🕊 Carly: im 😕💫🙃 but idk if those were the guests i danced with Carly: did get a cute lil 🎶🎤 to fall asleep to tho 💙🕊 Carly: 🌚🌝🌛🌜🌞 Ali: very 👸 of you though Ali: I can 👀 it Carly: my ma is trying to make me clean Carly: 🐇🐁🐀🐿🦔🐾 pls Ali: also unacceptable Ali: not 'til you're better Ali: use my wings to fly through and 🤞 he don't get the wrong idea about who I'm there to see Carly: [sends her a pic of whatever caravan mess she caused last night that her mum is raging about] Carly: so u can play a game of spot whats got her 😠 Carly: cuz idk Ali: Fun 🧐🤔🤨 Ali: angry mothers are my forte Ali: [does the circling the hazzards moment on the pic] Carly: making her angry is mine but nah to knowing y ever ever Carly: k ur cute & smart Carly: 🌟 Ali: it's rarely logical, but 🤫 on that or it's hulk levels in 0-60 Ali: how are you this nice when you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: that's a skill, rare one at that 💎✨ Carly: my da is looking green must of had his own 🎶🍻💃 ha Carly: idk i can b nicer? but k now i know ronan aint been talking bout me when hes 🍺 or 💊 Ali: can be a tea party for three Ali: have to bring his own 🎩 though Ali: not to me anyway Ali: but as you can tell Ali: 🐺 keeps all the 🐓🐓🐓 away Carly: 🐇🐇🐇♠️♣️♥️♦️🐇🐇🐇 Carly: she is fierce Ali: she likes to think so Ali: 🐶 really Carly: course ur not scared of her silly Carly: u love her Carly: im a 🐈 person ha Ali: [sends her a load of pictures of Bluebeard she didn't ask for rather than being like do I love her hmm] Carly: AW!!!! Carly: 🥰🤗 Ali: he's captain ☠🏴 but there's always room aboard Carly: thats the best offer ive had from a gentleman ever ever ever Carly: whats his name? Ali: Bluebeard Ali: and he is MOSTLY a gentleman if you can handle some toe nibbling Carly: 😍😍😍😍 Carly: into it Carly: ive done more for lads i just met who aint as beautiful so Ali: 😂 I feel that Ali: honestly, it's quite comforting, when he doesn't sneak attack you with it Carly: [sends her a selfie that shouldn't be as adorable as it is] Carly: now u can introduce us Carly: 👋 baby blue Ali: the 😍😍😍😍 are mutual Ali: I can tell Carly: yay Carly: 🧡 Ali: is there anything else you need/we want for the tea party? Ali: en-route at last Carly: ur really coming? Ali: yeah, sorry I was ages, it's a whole process brewing it Ali: also a dead giveaway you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 which obvs my ma takes as her cue to be all Spanish inquisition about it Ali: 📚 of my mostly-fictional-but-which-are-and-which-aren't-mother exploits later Carly: sorry iou so much magic Ali: nah, don't worry about it 👸 Ali: who doesn't love a little scandal with their morning brew? she deffo does Carly: its too late im looking for 🍀 Carly: among the 🌼🌼🌼 Ali: awh Ali: I'm never turning down extra luck Ali: we can make daisy-chains Carly: its the dresscode Carly: soz da Ali: does he have a 🧔? Ali: that's a #look Carly: not rn Carly: my ma wasnt on @ me only to clean up Carly: he had his turn Ali: damn it Ali: maybe a nice belt Ali: I'll be 🤔 Carly: dont b 💔😢 he has bushy eyebrows Ali: same Ali: he's earnt his invite back Ali: your ma gonna have to chill though Ali: and it ain't that kinda tea 💔 Carly: you wont b able to tell if shes angry or surprised Ali: 😚 ⬅ I know the vibe Ali: you do you babe Carly: she used to let me sort em out but there was an accident Carly: which im sworn to secrecy about Ali: I'm so good with secrets 🙏🙏🙏 Carly: k Carly: my head zoned out but my hands kept going like Ali: you were meditating you can't help having  🌌🧠 Ali: I'll 🤭 now and never tell, don't worry Mrs W Carly: @ school yea im meditating on your q sir relax Carly: ha love that Ali: they just ask questions to answer it themselves, what is the point Carly: u coming for my ma again? Ali: 🤫 bad first impression, that Carly: shes heard it from ronan too sorry Carly: lad has loose lips Ali: honestly Ali: 🙄 can't keep up with my bad reputation Carly: ud think hed be better at kissing Carly: its talk talk talk Carly: more good things about u than ive made it seem like tho Ali: he was a big talker Ali: probably 'cos he ain't allowed with the lads Carly: if he talked about what a 👼 u are & how 💔😢 he is theyd uninvite him from the bonfire Carly: its sweet really how hung up hes got Ali: he only thinks I'm an 👼 'cos he took my virginity probs Ali: that's more suitable 🔥side chat Carly: he goes on about that alot but I thought he was lying Carly: oh no that sounds bad Carly: not calling u a slag ur obvs not its y he likes u more Ali: 😂 I'm fine with slag Ali: all definition dependent anyway Carly: yea same Carly: can be hot if ur in the mood Ali: right, and if I'm a slag 'cos I didn't marry him then I'll take it Carly: & hes not allowed to marry gorgers theyd wanna throw him in the 🔥 Ali: exactly Ali: we can't both be 💔😢 forever can we boy Carly: just me @ the party til u came to my rescue Ali: 🥺 Ali: What was he even on about then, like? Ali: dickhead Carly: idk i zone out wen he shouts @ me too Ali: I can always poison a cup and send it his way Ali: just say the word Carly: hes not that bad Ali: okay okay, just some laxatives Ali: 'cos he's a bit 💩 Carly: ha Ali: no 🌼🌼🌼 unless he says soz then Carly: but his beautiful curls 🥺 Ali: hmm, a good point Ali: be strong, baby Carly: ill throw one @ him & run away Carly: back to u Ali: you're so adorable Carly: says u Carly: 👼👸🏼 Ali: 💚 we're gonna have an adventure when the tea hits okay Ali: I've decided Carly: k thats the kinda 🎄🎅🤶🎁 it is Carly: i do want the energy of a kid on xmas morning Ali: that's the best Ali: how I'm tryna be every day Carly: 💫⭐️🌟✨⚡️☄️ 🚀🛸 Ali: if only 🚀 Ali: this bike can only go as fast as my lil legs can carry, like Carly: aw baby Carly: i shouldve asked u where u live before this 2nd rescue was launched Carly: im sorry Ali: No distance is too far for a fair maiden Carly: ill have to see what other 🔮 i can find before u get here Carly: dont love ious Ali: there's no ious Carly: [sending her loads of pics of her with or just pics of the cat lady's cats that she's rounding up for this tea party and they're adorable] Ali: 😍💞😻 Ali: okay, non-debt fully paid though Carly: [just rambling about the names she's given each cat cos her and cat lady don't know each other properly til Ali comes along and like facts about each cat/her fave things cos she's a big nerd] Ali: I love them Ali: I'm gonna get them some 🐟🐟🐟 when I get tea party tings Ali: some cream, awh, okay, this is happening Carly: im picking enough 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼 for everyone Ali: should've put Bluebs in my basket Ali: next time Carly: aw Carly: Humbug might try & fight him Carly: youd b there to protect him tho Ali: I can ref Ali: my little brother is always trying to play-fight everyone so I'm well-versed Carly: is he ticklish? that works for me Carly: broken up lots of fights Ali: big time Ali: his kryptonite Ali: reckon it's against the rules in professional fights but preparing him for anything like any good big sister Carly: ha Carly: aw i bet ur an amazing sister Carly: if i had 1 maybe id wanna be on site sometimes Carly: my ma's eyebrows r hardly a call to home Ali: he might disagree but he's 5 so what does he know 😉 Ali: feel that though Ali: home is just a base, whole 🌍 out there Carly: wen ur 5 you argue to argue Carly: yea if u dont use ur wings theyll think u dont want em 💔😢 Ali: flying is like riding a 🚲 though Carly: r we goin on a 🚲 adventure? Ali: definitely Ali: ugh, need one of those wagons for the 😻😻😻s Carly: ☺️its gonna b so fun! Carly: we might meet more 🐈🐈🐈🐈 Ali: way better than 🐔 Carly: ha Carly: do u have 🔮 left to help me find shoes? Ali: have you checked the fridge? Carly: [a pause while she do] Carly: theyre not there 😕🧐 Ali: damn, that'd be the last place I'd look though Ali: were they in the mess your Ma was sounding off about fr Carly: o mayb Carly: if i was wearing any when you dropped me off Ali: 🤔 I don't know if I recall any glass slippers Ali: I'll ask Lene hold up Carly: 👸 energy Carly: but idk if i wanna scary 🐺 at my door Ali: turns out she's actually your 👵 Carly: ha my grandma is 💍 to god Carly: its not close to the energy shes putting out Ali: she'd probably tell your actual that God is a gay girl Ali: nah she's well 😇 around fam, just hide behind your Ma and me, baby, you'll be fine Carly: ha that wasn't in any of the kids bible stories she sent me every 🎄🎅🤶🎁 Carly: her god is 😠 than Humbug Carly: he likes to shout so i gotta zone out Carly: aw that's sweet ur ma loves her too? Ali: Hooray for Catholicism, yeah? 😏 Ali: she loves my Ma, more like Carly: we spend our sundays on our knees nana but its 🚽🤮 or u kno a bigger sin Carly: u do look like her i remember Ali: that's not QUITE 🚽🤮 levels but close 😂 Carly: nah its nice u have the same 👀💙✨ Carly: idk who i look like Carly: postman maybe Ali: now I don't know whether to 😳 or be 🤨 you like my Ma too Ali: you look like you and that's Ali: 💛 😍 😘 🥰 😚 👸 👼🏽 🐰 🌼 🌻 🌞 🍓 🍑 🍨 🍰 🍭 🍬 🎆 💜 Carly: yea 🤞🙏🌠 the postman isnt my da cuz hes a ride Carly: aw now youve got me 😳 Ali: rude, my postman is not Carly: 🚫💌 then baby Carly: ill text u instead Ali: so grumpy, don't stick your hand right into our house if you don't wanna get bitten, sir Ali: not by me, whatever Ronan has said Ali: though I'm well flattered I'm getting a text back Carly: ha its k its not that u use too much teeth Carly: & course ur my hero Carly: tho 🤞🙏🌠 wont b an sos every time Ali: good, can't have him putting you off with blatant lies Ali: it won't be if I do a better job at the heroics and get there before any bad shit can happen Carly: its k i like it Carly: helps me remember what i did Carly: 💔😢 no lads r spelling their names out in bruises for the who Carly: 🐇🐾🐇🐾🐇 Carly: nooo theres no better u could do Carly: ur flying to me faster than anyone has ever ever Ali: amateurs, like Ali: so rude, ain't they heard you're 👸 Ali: I'm basically there now, prepare for the best tea party you've ever been to Carly: aint wat theyve heard but idc Carly: yay 💙 i havent had 1 since me & my 🧸🧸🧸 Ali: I'll be 🎶🔊 it so get in the know lads Ali: awh, can I meet them too? Carly: not too 🔊 or ur gf will bite me which could b fun but im not trying to do u like 💔😢 Carly: some r shyer than others but if u work ur 🔮 how u did for me ull make friends Ali: fill your boots, babe, I don't reckon she's your type, like Ali: I'll be on my best behaviour 🤞 Ali: the loveliest guest you've ever had 🤞🤞 Carly: be fun though Carly: not boring Ali: 😲😲 Ali: Is that the impression I give off? Ali: or another Ronan tale, either way Ali: gonna have to prove otherwise now in the most extra ways imaginable Carly: nahhh Carly: he don't lie to me its his 1 saving grace Carly: its just like a pls Carly: to u & the universe Ali: I won't be boring Ali: trust me Carly: k Carly: i do ur a lifesaver Ali: nah Ali: just happy to help Carly: im happy we r mates Ali: me too Ali: idk why we weren't before, like Ali: too many people at school Carly: & i dont go much ha Ali: this is true Ali: lesser spotted walsh 🐦 Carly: oooh wat colours am i Ali: 💗💜💛🧡💗 Carly: cute Ali: very Carly: wats ur fave colour? Ali: It's a harder question than people reckon, that Ali: like, there's so many beautiful things of every colour Ali: if I can decide for the day, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to all the others Carly: sorry Carly: i havent decided on mine either Carly: when i was a lil kid it was 💛 for the 🌞 then wen i started goin out it was silver for wat i thought the 🌚 looked like Carly: but ive seen so many new colours since Ali: kids always know Ali: they're much smarter than adults about everything Carly: i bet ur lil bro is the smartest Carly: like u Ali: he likes red for 🚨❌🛑⛔️🚫💯‼️🥊🥤 Ali: and I see the appeal Carly: does he like 🍎? i kno somewhere that sells the reddest shiniest 1s Carly: or we cud just throw 🍅s Ali: he's at the anti-fruit stage Ali: but I reckon he could be convinced if we let him smother 'em in caramel and sprinkles Carly: its a date Ali: Me first

[manslaught]

she's not wrong, but mikayla doesn't appreciate hearing tai judge nat and travis when they're the only two who have been there for her over the last few years. no, maybe she doesn't agree with most of their coping methods, but it's not as if she has any place to judge when she's just hardly getting by herself. “ don't do that with me, ” she frowns. “ don't talk shit about them just because you're better at moving on than the rest of us. ” she doesn't fully believe that, almost certain that there's no possible way tai is doing as well as she pretends she is.

it's hard to believe her when that feels like the most plausible explanation for why tai abandoned her— it makes sense, and it's a lot less heartless than some of the excuses mikayla's been forced to question on her own the past few months. it might sting, but it's easier to accept that tai just didn't want to be reminded of everything they went through than to accept that she just meant nothing to her at all. “ oh, ” she mumbles, having to resist the urge to ask tai to explain, to tell her what she does see— but mikayla would only sound desperate for validation, and while she is after everything she's been told by others since her arrest, she's not sure if she could even trust anything tai says in this state. so i was just temporary, she wants to say, but for the sake of her own feelings, she holds back, just scowling down at the counter instead. “ well— who do you want to be? ” a question she doesn't get the privilege of being able to answer, because it can't ever matter, not with so much standing in her way, holding her back, but it's not the same for tai. “ i mean... you got everything you wanted, right? ” selfishly, she hopes that tai says no, because maybe that leaves her some hope that she might be talking about her— even if she shouldn't be thinking that way.

it doesn't make sense to mikayla, because she doesn't know shauna, so she stays quiet, brows furrowed in confusion. but when tai says something mikayla can't just let go, she breaks that silence, leaning her head back slightly. “ what do you mean see right through you? ” maybe she was wrong; maybe tai doesn't love her fiancee, and that's why shauna marrying jeff is relevant, but mikayla's not sure if that's what's actually happening here or if she's just trying to convince herself because it's better for her that way. “ does it matter? it's not like i knew how to have a conversation with her, either. ” even when they had things in common, when mikayla thought she might actually be able to understand some of the things shauna was feeling, she didn't know how to talk to her— but that was hardly an issue back then.

again, she's confused, because tai doesn't sound like she's even excited about the wedding— it sounds like she's dreading it, almost, and it makes her wonder if tai felt the same way about their wedding. she doesn't remember it being like that for them, but it's not as if they had anything better to do out there than just pretend to get married, so maybe she shouldn't compare. “ isn't it supposed to be, like— the happiest day of your life or whatever? ” why doesn't it feel that way? she's almost brave enough to ask, but she's afraid of being wrong, of realizing that she's just completely misreading tai because they're strangers now. “ what? no— people like me don't get to have that. ” because she's hurt too many people, killed someone, and the entire world's aware of it, refusing to ever let it go. “ but not you. you... should. after everything. ” mikayla wishes she could, too, but she's already accepted that it's not possible.

her mother's been a part of her life for years now, but mikayla still finds it strange to talk about her, even with nat and travis— not because she doesn't want to, but simply because she doesn't know how. “ like... to convince her? no. ” she frowns, staring down into her drink, hating to think about the days after her release from prison, when she was desperate enough to go to her of all people. “ she... she told me sorry. she blamed herself for everything. said she didn't know my dad was a piece of shit, that she thought i'd be better off with him, and— she sent me shit as a kid? supposedly. but i never got it. ” her dad must have taken all of it, assuming it's even true, but mikayla doesn't feel the need to explain that, letting out a sigh. “ she said she didn't talk to me in prison because she thought i didn't want her to. ” mikayla glances up at tai for just a moment, because she can't be the only one who sees how similar that excuse feels, how annoying it is to have to hear it from two people who were supposed to care about her. “ i don't know if i believe any of it. i think she was just trying to... make herself look better. but she said she'd help me with whatever, so— ” so here she is, making a mistake by taking a job opportunity from her mother that she never actually wanted, and for what? to watch her ex be with someone else?

“ it was the only job i could get. ” a part of her suspected that the bar owner liked the attention that her reputation brought, even if most of it was bad, but at the time, mikayla had no other choice, so she went with it anyway. she's nervous, waiting for tai's reaction, wondering if she made a mistake, if it's too early to just blame it on the alcohol that's just barely entered her system, but it's not bad, which is a relief. the whine draws a small giggle from mikayla, raising her glass for another drink in an attempt to muffle it, managing to get it down without wrinkling her nose this time. “ mm, no, ” she admits, even if a part of her's tempted to try to make tai jealous by lying. “ that was for us. when there was an us. ” before there was an us, technically, because mikayla felt the same way back then as she does now: wanting tai, but hating herself for it, because she can't have her. the thought tempts her to take another drink, but she sets her own glass down, nodding toward tai's drink instead. “ can i try that? ” since that's the closest she can get to tasting her now.f

her face scrunches up in disgust as she reminds her that there was a man hitting on her,  and she quickly shakes her head.   ❝  don’t you have plenty at home, anyway?  ❞   she mumbles,  the judgment obvious in her tone—  but it’s not directed at mikayla this time,  and mostly,  she’s just trying to deflect from whatever happened in that store.   she frowns again when mikayla says she knows what it’s like,  but she also knows it’s different for her, too.   she has enough tact to not say it out loud,  that she’s glad that nat was there for her all those years tai refused to be—  but she never really had a doubt she would be,  given what mikayla had told her about their past together.   and she knows she means that more than that,  too,  because she can’t imagine how strange it is for her to feel like she’s living an entirely different life than the one she was living before the plane crashed and even out there.  the guilt sinks in again, and tai takes a another long drink.

her shoulders slump at mikayla’s words,  because she’s not exactly wrong,  but she’s not right,  either   (  half wrong about everything,  like tai said—    but that’s her own fault for not even giving her clarity,  isn’t it?  )  she looks down,  her fingers sliding against the counter awkwardly as she considers what to really say,  but her mind is so cloudy that it’s difficult to come up with the right words — not that she had them in the first place.  ❝  no,  ❞   she mumbles, her face scrunching up after a moment as she looks up at her— really looks at her,  like she’s studying her,  trying to prove some point to herself and mikayla.   ❝  i see a lot more than that when i look at you, ❞    she says simply,  turning away slightly as she takes another bite of pizza,  suddenly worried that she may be making a mess,  afraid of how mikayla’s perceiving her now.  even when she has gotten drunk before,  she’s always careful about not being around people,  afraid of the lack of control it’d come with.  it’s making her braver with mikayla now— but is that a good thing?   i see my wife,  she almost has the audacity to say,  but even the thought makes her flinch,  because she imagines the face mikayla would make in response,  and it hurts.   ❝  but,  um—   fuck, okay, if you’re asking, i used to think that.  that if i held onto anything out there,  i’d never get back to myself,  ❞    she winces at the way it comes out,  but it’s how she’s justified it to herself for years.  ❝  maybe i don’t even know who the fuck i am, though,  ❞   she mumbles,   a statement that was only ever supposed to remain in her own head,  but she distracts herself with another drink,  because she misses talking to mikayla about her deepest insecurities— but now, revealing them makes her feel so small.

tai scoffs instantly as mikayla asks why shauna doesn’t like her,  because it feels obvious.  maybe it is,  if mikayla wasn’t already hurt by it all enough for her to see it for herself.   ❝  because she’s fucking shauna,  ❞   she says,  like that’s supposed to make any sense to mikayla.   ❝  she married her best friend’s boyfriend because she didn’t know how the fuck to move on—  ❞   she scoffs,  going on,  saying something she shouldn’t say.   ❝  she can probably see right through me, too, ❞    she grumbles,  avoiding mikayla’s eyes now.  ❝  and simone is too .  .  .    i don’t know.  ❞   she's perfect.  but tai can’t say those words out loud, not to mikayla, and not when that doesn’t mean she’s perfect for her.     ❝  i just know shauna, okay?  and i don’t think she’d even know how the fuck to have a conversation with her.  ❞   and that’s true.  they’re nothing alike.  but she knows it’s more than that, too—  for the same reason tai doesn’t know how to talk to jeff.  jeff and simone are both some kind of distraction from dealing with what they really want.   she wonders if it’s easier for shauna.

tai’s eyes roll and she shakes her head.   ❝  trust me,  people are going to need it at this wedding,  ❞    she mumbles,  again like it’s obvious,  still providing her no real context. between in-laws who don’t like or approve of her,  and other survivors attending,  and this entire wedding feeling like a fucking sham,  she can’t imagine anyone getting through it sober— especially not her,  and for what mikayla’s suggested,  especially not nat.   her eyes lock with hers as mikayla tells her she deserves to be happy.  it stings,  because tai doesn’t even know what happiness is anymore.  she’s not sure if she ever truly did.  she was happy with mikayla,  but their circumstances were so horrendous it was hard to ever be fully content,  always wanting more for them.   and then, afterwards,  she could find fake-happiness in succeeding in her goals just to feel something,  but it meant sacrificing that taste of genuine happiness.  too often she wonders if there was a way to combine the two,  if she could've had success and happiness all at once—  but even considering the possibility of both failing makes her heart ache.  her eyes linger,  a look of longing in her gaze as she wishes she could just tell her all of that in a way that doesn’t hurt them both.    ❝  happiness—- ❞   can’t get her what she wants.   ❝  i don’t think people like me get to have that,  ❞   she finishes,  but she shrugs her shoulders,  as if she’s long accepted that.  she’s not even sure if she could truly explain that.

she starts to feel a sense of relief when mikayla actually starts talking about her mom— she’d been desperate to know anything about her since mikayla told her about her,  and now she seems to be offering something up willingly,  and it’s like they maybe have hope at — what?  tai meant it when she said they weren’t capable of being friends,  but she still wants to be a part of her life.  she just doesn’t know what that actually means, or even what it can mean.  ❝  i gathered that,  ❞   she says quietly,  her head tilting to the side as she keeps looking at her.   ❝  was it hard?   to— get her to help you?  ❞   she asks curiously,  something genuine in her tone because she does care.

her nose crinkles in disgust, the idea of anyone talking to her in a bar making her uncomfortable— especially knowing the way strangers talked about mikayla to tai.  ❝  i can imagine.   i was never a fan of bars,  ❞  she says,  her body shaking lightly.   but her eyes perk up as mikayla goes on,  brow raising,  unfortunately immediately thinking of the sight.  before she can stop herself, a smile tugs at her lips,  her teeth just barely biting on her bottom lip.   she’s about to tell her that—  that she was always hot,  especially in a cheerleading outfit,    but she’s caught off guard when she blows her a kiss,   her eyes widening and an accidental, small wine falling from her lips.  if she’d been taking a drink, she might’ve choked,  but that doesn’t stop her from immediately trying to clear her throat to cover up whatever sound just came out of her mouth.   ❝  did you—  ❞   she starts,  but she pauses,  unsure if she wants an answer.   ❝  do that for them too?  ❞   it’s not spoken as an accusation—  she’s begging mikayla to say no,   to tell her that she’s the only one she’d ever done anything like that for.  it was special to her,  it’s what made her keep falling for mikayla even when she thought she shouldn’t,  and finding out why she did it only made it better.   she just wants it to still mean something, even if she doesn’t necessarily deserve it.  

[manslaught]

hearing that doesn't exactly make mikayla feel any better about anything, because who cares if she thought about her if she didn't do anything about it? that's not the point, so she doesn't comment on that fact, dropping her gaze to the ground. “ i haven't gone at all. ” she felt no desire to, not when she knew she'd only feel bitter the entire time. it feels like tai stopped meaning everything she told her, but mikayla has to stop believing that, because she needs to convince herself she's not making a mistake by trying to get her back at all. there's still a part of her that feels like she shouldn't be the one attempting this, that it only makes her look pathetic, but travis was right— if she does nothing, if she just lets tai keep on pretending (poorly) she's happy with her fiancee, she'll regret it.

mikayla holds back the sigh of relief that almost comes out when tai admits that she doesn't— she already had a feeling, based on everything tai's said, the way she seems completely uninterested in anything to do with her own wedding, but mikayla couldn't tell if that was just wishful thinking, if she was only seeing what she wanted to see. she's thankful that tai actually answers her questions instead of just avoiding them like she's done most of the time, because it gives her the confidence she needs to actually go through with this.

“ then don't marry her. ” as much as she wants to, mikayla knows she can't just leave it at that, so she forces herself to go on, swallowing her pride. “ i don't want you to marry her. ” and not just because she can't stand the idea of tai being with someone else while she's left alone; she just hates the idea of tai being with anyone else in general, because even after everything, she's still convinced it's supposed to be the two of them. “ i still want you, tai. and maybe that makes me stupid, whatever, but— i don't care. i meant it when i said you were the one for me. even after everything. ”

she remembers why she brought the hoodie in the first place, so she takes a step back, giving herself more room to take it off, staring down at it once it's in her hands. ten years ago, she didn't hesitate to give her hoodie to tai, because she was too dazed to even consider what she was doing, but she's fully aware now, so she pauses. “ i don't know if it's going to be the same, but if you still want me— we can start over. ” trying to ignore how stupid the gesture feels, she holds the hoodie out, hoping that tai will actually take it now that she's actually giving her a choice, unlike the first time. “ i kept fucking up things for us when we were kids. you fucked things up for us as adults. so it's— it's okay. ” both for the same reasons, too, all in some attempt to be the people they thought they were supposed to be. and if tai was able to forgive mikayla for the way she acted all throughout high school, she can forgive her for the way tai acted after. “ or... you can just tell me to fuck off. if she's the one you think you need to be with, if i'm too... bad for your reputation or whatever, i get it. i just— wanted you to know i'm still an option. ”

she doesn’t know what to make of any of this,  but seeing how stressed mikayla seems makes her even more nervous.  she didn’t need the reminder of what she once said—   but there’s a part of her that’s grateful mikayla brought it up, anyway, like tai might have a chance to defend herself for it now  (   because she meant it,  and in some ways,  she still wanted to fulfill that promise,  no matter what setbacks she faced.  )   she frowns,  looking back to mikayla and letting her speak,  all the while trying to collect herself,  too.   ❝  i remember,   ❞    he says quietly,   glancing out towards the water for a long moment,  then back to her.   ❝  i’ve thought of you every time i’ve ever stepped foot on a beach,  ❞   she says honestly,  speaking quietly,  her voice shaking slightly because she’s finally starting to feel like she’s doing something wrong.   ❝  i know i did.  and i did mean them when i said them,  ❞    she insists,  eyes meeting hers again.   ❝  that doesn’t mean i .  .  .   stopped,  ❞    she trails off in a whisper,  because she knows she can’t admit that outright,  but she also knows she doesn’t have much defense,  either.

she nearly freezes when mikayla suddenly looks at her,  her mouth parting slightly because she hadn’t anticipated mikayla asking her anything directly—  even if part of her knew that she should,  for both of them.  her mouth closes again when she quickly asks another question,  her hands moving together across her waist for her fingers to nervously fidget with her wedding ring—  because again, it feels like a heavy weight that’s dragging her down.   she’s always had a defense to this question,  even when she asks it to herself:   of course she means what she says,  because it’s what she’s supposed to say,  right?  sometimes,  it’s easy to convince herself that what she tells simone is exactly how she feels,  because she’s practiced,  trained herself to believing in it, but that’s not real.  none of it is.  her jaw clenches,  because while it’s instinctual to keep up the ruse,  mikayla said she needed her.  which means mikayla also needs her to be honest,  and tai’s never been good at lying to her, anyway.  that’s why their previous meetings have gone so poorly—  her lies are constantly crumbling around her.   ❝  i don’t,  ❞   she admits,  and her gut tells her to take off the ring now,  but she’s scared,  keeping it there as a shield to protect her from what other confrontations mikayla has in store for her.   she always did know just how to read her. 

❝  mikayla,  why are you asking me—  ❞   she starts,  exasperated,  trying to deflect,  but when she catches her gaze again,  it hits her like a punch to the gut.   she does want to marry simone,  for all the reasons she’s convinced herself are right for her life—   but mikayla knows just how to phrase it to snap her out of it,  to remind her that it’s not enough for her.  it was never going to be enough for her,  she just kept convincing herself it’s what she had to do to keep moving forward,  to maintain some kind of normalcy in this life.  it doesn’t make her happy,  and happiness was something she was willing to sacrifice—  but that was only manageable when mikayla wasn’t in her life.  now she is,  and she’s reminding her that it’s where she should be.   tai just doesn’t know what to do with that yet.  

she drops her hands,  clenching them at her sides,  and she takes a deep breath as she looks back at her.  she’s nervous,  like her entire life is being held on by a thread and she’s about to let it fall apart,  after years of wrecking herself to maintain it all.   does she wants to marry simone?  yes.  it’s what she convinced herself was right.   but is she the person she wants to wake up to for the rest of her life?   that person is standing in front of her,  but tai can’t tell if she’s even farther away now or if she’s closer than she has been in years.  ❝  she’s—  ❞   she starts,  letting out a breath.   ❝  she’s not.  ❞   she winces,  like she’s been slapped in the face, forced to face the lies she tells herself and deal with the fallout.   but the fallout that’s likely waiting for her back at home isn’t what she’s concerned about yet—  she’s still desperate to ask mikayla if she’s okay,  still antsy to figure out why mikayla’s actually asking these questions,  afraid that she just wants to call tai out and leave.  maybe she should,   because tai already knows she doesn’t deserve a second chance with mikayla.  she hasn’t even allowed herself to really consider what it would be like to have one.  she feels powerless now,  but she loves mikayla,  and mikayla deserves to get to say whatever she needs to say now,  so she waits,  frozen in place,  staring back at her with wide eyes that plead for her to go on.  ❝  but you — you know that, ❞ she says, somewhere between a question and a statement, because she's starting to understand that mikayla's the only one willing to stop her from making a mistake that will inevitably hurt all three of them.

[manslaught]

mikayla feels just as awkward, finding it hard to even make eye contact, because it's so much easier to just look at the ground between them instead. she wishes she had even just a fraction of the confidence she had as a teenager, because maybe then she'd feel less sick— because while being around tai always made her feel nervous, she doesn't remember it feeling so debilitating. she wants to find hope in hearing that tai wanted to see her, trying to take it as a good sign, because she needs to believe this isn't going to end horribly for her. “ that's— good. ” mikayla can't help but grimace at how tense she sounds, rolling her eyes at herself.

she notices tai's hands out of the corner of her eye, but mikayla's too busy worrying about what she's supposed to say to actually consider what she's doing. maybe she should have discussed this part with nat and travis, actually prepared herself, but she's never been any good at that— she's better at acting on impulse, but just kissing her isn't going to be enough this time. “ you said you'd take me here, ” she reminds her hesitantly, because tai had told her that after mikayla's first kill, a memory she's not fond of looking back on. “ you... you said a lot of things back then. ” for once, she doesn't sound accusatory, because she's trying to lead up to what she actually wants to talk to— she's just nervous, trying to consider her words before she speaks. “ so did i, i guess. but i meant everything i told you. not just when i said them. ” she rushes out the last part, knowing that's tai's defense: she meant them when she said them, as if it hurts any less to know she doesn't mean them now. everything mikayla said to her back then still feels true now— how she'd always love her, how she was the only person for her, how she doesn't want to imagine her life without her.

but she's not sure how to directly say any of that, so she changes her mind about the direction she's going, forcing herself to look away from the shoreline to actually look at her. “ do you mean the shit you say to her? ” she doesn't actually care about the answer, because she's already asking another question before tai could respond, the question mikayla's actually concerned about. “ do you actually want to marry her? and i don't— i don't want to hear whatever answer you think you're supposed to give me. i just want you to tell me the truth. yes or no. ” they used to be honest with each other, so mikayla's hoping for the same thing now, because it's important to know for everything else she's planning to say to her. “ i don't give a shit about what makes you look better. i'm asking what you want. when you think about who you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life— is it her? ” or is it me? she almost asks, but she's too scared to go there just yet, needing to know if she's wrong for even trying to do this at all.

her jaw immediately clenches as she stands in front of mikayla awkwardly,   suddenly feeling smaller,  because despite the clear annoyance—   tai, again, just wants to ask her if she’s okay.   she gulps,  trying to calm her nerves as she nods her head slowly.   ❝  last time,  ❞    she promises,  offering an innocent, almost playful grin.   she’s still curious,  still filled with nerves and desperate for an answer,  but more importantly than anything,  she just wants her to feel comfortable,  so she’ll be patient.  

she lets out a breath again,  because those words hit her in a way that make her want to forget everything she's built for herself these past few years.   too often,  she wonders what she would have done if she just heard those words from mikayla years ago,  forcing taissa to finally act,  to just be there for her.  that should have never been mikayla's responsibility, though;   tai should have been there without question,  without mikayla needing to ask for it,  and she wasn’t.  that just makes it even more important for her to try now— even if it’s not the same,  and even if there is no them anymore.  tai has no idea what she’s doing or what she’s expecting from this,  considering she’s committed to moving on,  and she knows they can’t be friends — she just also knows that mikayla’s always going to be her person in one way or another,  even if they’re strangers or if they never see each other again.  what they had is too crucial to who tai is always going to be, no matter what she tries to be instead.  her love for mikayla desousa will never change,  so she’s here,  doing the least she can,  while everything falls apart around her because of it.   but right now, all she’s thinking about is her.

❝  well, i came,  ❞   she says, attempting to give her some reassurance—  she’s here because she cares about her,  whatever it is.    ❝  i’m glad you told me to,  ❞   she adds,  not wanting her to think that she’s just antsy to get back home.  she’s not,  but tai imagines she’s already made that clear enough by now in all the conversations they’ve had,  despite her weak attempts not to give herself away.  ❝  i  .  .  .  wanted to see you too,  ❞   she admits,  quieter now,  because she has no good reason for it other than that she’s mikayla,  and tai’s greedy,  selfish,  and a horrible fiancee.  her eyes follow out toward the beach,  because the setting isn’t lost on her either, just as the hoodie isn’t— but still,  she’s trying not to get ahead of herself.   ❝  okay,  see,  now that just makes me want to ask if you’re okay again,  ❞   she insists,  letting out a small chuckle,  hoping just to lighten the mood,  to shake both their nerves off.  ❝  — yeah,  that’s fine with me.  ❞ she starts to walk, footsteps slow, her hands moving out of her pockets like she's giving mikayla a chance to grab one, like she's a teenager again, but when she catches herself doing it, she shakes her hands out in an attempt to be casual. ❝   it's nice out. you picked a good spot, ❞ she compliments, mostly in an attempt to try to get closer to whatever this is.

[manslaught]

she's spent the entire drive wondering if she's making a mistake, if maybe travis was wrong, that she shouldn't be doing this at all; she'd hoped that actually seeing tai would change her mind, but it doesn't, because tai smiles and all mikayla can think about is how much she loves her— so she shouldn't be selfish, shouldn't try to ruin what tai has now, just because she misses her. she should be the bigger person, let her go, accept that they're over and just pretend to move on, knowing she'd never actually be able to. but then she thinks about all the comments tai has made, how she doesn't even seem excited about getting married, how she's treating it like some chore, so— mikayla has no idea what the fuck is the right thing to do, really.

“ are you going to ask me that every five minutes? ” she scoffs in lieu of actually answering the question, because she doesn't know herself— she feels sick with anxiety, but behind all the nerves is hope, too. hope that she'll finally get some sliver of happiness, that all of her suffering might finally pay off, because at least she'll be with the person she loves. of course, if this all turns out horribly, she's going to hate herself for that, but she can't afford to let herself think like that right now.

mikayla shoves her hands in the pocket of the hoodie, trying to force herself to stay still, to appear more confident. whether it's actually working, she has no idea. “ i just needed to see you. ” with a deep sigh, like she's bracing herself, she pushes herself off the side of the car. she should just start talking now, rip the bandaid off, especially because it would be easier to leave if tai rejects her if they're standing right next to her car, but she's still trying to find the words, so she attempts to buy herself some time. “ can we— i don't know, take a walk. or something. ” she glances in the direction of the beach, nose wrinkling slightly, because she can hear how nervous she sounds, but she doesn't know how to hide it. “ i promise i'm not planning on drowning you. ”

she knew she shouldn’t have texted mikayla this morning—  it wasn’t her place to ask,  and mikayla seemed to make it clear that the door had closed the night prior,  anyway.   but she couldn’t help herself,  finding it difficult to get any sleep at all knowing that mikayla might actually be moving on.  even thinking that made her feel awful,  because she’s the one who’s engaged,  still claiming to everyone,  including herself and mikayla,  that this is the right move for her future—  so why can’t mikayla move on, too?  it was easier before mikayla dropped into her life again,  because when she wasn’t there,  tai could keep going ahead,  keep believing that she wasn’t making a mistake.  she couldn’t look back,  only forward,  and the only way to move on from what happened to her was to not let anything from the past drag her down.  but then she actually saw mikayla,  heard her voice again,  felt her presence—  and the idea of her dragging her down never felt right,  no matter how hard she’d convinced herself it would’ve over the years.  tai isn’t happy now,  but she’s never allowed that to be a problem,  because happiness wasn’t obtainable without the love of her life,  and the specific path of success she set herself up for when she was younger didn’t seem obtainable alongside someone who went through the worst time of her life with her.

as much time as she’s spent believing that her perfectly-crafted of a life was actually working,  she can’t ignore the way it fractures now.  mikayla’s here,  the harshest reminder that she’ll never get to have everything she was supposed to have,  but also,  a reminder that maybe that original path was never actually going to work,  anyway.  falling in love, especially in the middle of the most traumatic months of her life,  was never part of the plan— but it happened.  and it transformed who taissa was,  made her feel more human than she’d ever felt, even during times when it felt like she was forced to lose herself entirely out there.  mikayla grounded her—  and in some ways,  she still does,  forcing her to see through the cracks of the life she’s been trying to form,  reminding her that she’ll always be there,  a ‘what if’ that taissa has been too afraid to face.  

but mikayla needs her now.  and taissa’s terrified,  because she doesn’t know if this is another game,  she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be doing — if she’s supposed to be keeping up the act of the perfect fiancee or if she’s supposed to be making up for years of silence and absence with her first wife.  the latter is harder to ignore when she reads the words mikayla has sent:  i need you, just you.   it brings her back to a time when mikayla didn’t have to say those words at all for tai to just go,  and she didn’t allow herself to hesitate this time.  she doesn’t know what she’s getting into,  she just needs to be with her,  she needs to figure this out.   

her hands are shoved into the pockets of her jacket,  and she walks nervously towards where she spots mikayla’s jeep.  there’s a voice in the back of her head reminding her that she shouldn’t be here—  it’s not fair to the woman she’s left back at home,  and it’s not fair to mikayla,  either,  for tai to keep showing up like this in her life,  when she knows there’s nothing left for them   (  at least, she assumes—  what reason does mikayla have to want her again, anyway?  )   but as she comes closer to mikayla,  it gets easier to ignore all the worries in her mind,  despite the nerves she feels as she approaches— especially as she can finally take her in.  her brows furrow,  noting the sweatshirt,  her chest tightening at the memories that it brings up,  but she looks too beautiful for tai to allow herself to dwell on it,  even if it brings more questions.  she takes a deep breath, trying to collect herself,  to ignore what this could mean until she has a better understanding if mikayla’s okay.  ❝  hey,  ❞   she says simply,  a small smile tugging at her lips — because despite the nerves, and despite the weariness she feels at what any of this is about,  she’s still just happy to see her.   ❝  are you okay?  ❞   she asks,  for what seems like the fifth time tonight,  but she’s anxious,  especially with no real hint— other than the sweatshirt, that she’s trying hard not to read into.   ❝  —i came as soon as i could,  ❞   she promises.