#unrelated but despite my personal feelings of disgust for a lot of therapists bc the field is saturated w bad people and in general they | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ziracona · 2 years ago

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I’ve spent my whole life having people from strangers to acquaintances to friends to family tell me in some way or other I’m a bad person, or being bad, for caring actively about a bunch of minority stuff. I have not ever thought of it that was before, but putting it into perspective yesterday. I have. All the ‘Why can’t you just not engage. They’re family—ignore what they say and change the subject.’ ‘You’re so self-righteous, overbearing, judgemental, critical, harsh, overemotional—why can’t you be unselfish and keep it to yourself?’ ‘If it really mattered more people would complain’ ‘people today care about everything so much they’re too sensitive—why can’t you keep quiet or nod instead of arguing with me? Just let it go.’ Even from ‘liberal’ friends I get ‘I know it’s racist but it’s not a big deal. Quit spoiling people’s fun by talking about flaws with things. People want to have a good time and they’re already sad and tired’ ‘quit making people feel bad for liking bigoted things by talking about the bigotry. It’s selfish and prudish.’

And hearing on the same day a bunch of native people at a creatives meetup lost it & went ‘They did WHAT?’ hearing about the bullshit ND startup game I walked out on for anti-native racism, and my poc doctor say ‘Oh yeah that was the right call. Tbh I don’t even understand why you feel guilty and worry maybe you did not find the best or kindest way to handle it.’ Talking about my experiences with deteriorating relationships over bigotry with some family members, was a really changing experience. Obviously this is and can only be said from a place of extreme personal privilege, and I’m very aware of that, but it was both surreal and nice (and to my shredded mental state I think, necessary) to hear people I’ve stuck up for when they’re not there say it was right and mattered that I did actually, and I’m not somehow a bad person for it.

#I’ve always been like ‘you’re wrong it’s the right thing to do’ and refused to change bc I can’t change for a reason except I think I’d be #better some other way. but along the way I must have internalized ‘yet somehow I’m doing the right thing wrong because so many people have #accused me of being evil for doing it and there must be truth to numbers’ because I absolutely do feel like shit despite knowing I do the #right thing. and until talking w my shrink I had not even really realized this is a major recurring life motif for me. it super is though #and idk what to do about it. but at least it’s nice to have some reassurance too. emotionally speaking #it’s always been a ��I have to act and care though if I don’t or quit the second it’s hard or unpleasant or personal it’s performative’ and I #have always known that’s true but the ‘actually you refusing to quit the second it’s personal or inconveniences someone makes you a piece of #shit’ I’ve gotten from everyone from strangers to a best friend has left way more of a chest wound than I realized #R Internal Stuff #unrelated but despite my personal feelings of disgust for a lot of therapists bc the field is saturated w bad people and in general they #charge way too much I do think my shrink should get to charge whatever she wants to hear me talk about feeling any conflicted feelings #towards a racist family member and also drop me as a patient if she wants #I’m so sorry Miss N I didn’t not mean for it to come up as a subject and will try to see it never does again

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