#unless you're lactose intolerant I suppose

[peterdoesart]

Thought y'all might appreciate this recipe my older sister shared with me in full honesty:

Take sour cream

Add cheese

Mix into a vile dip

consume with a spoon

I know not what you will do with this. But take it. I have never tried it but she eats it unironically so. Must be good.

[pumpkingas]

Eprocto thoughts abt spooky creatures (⁠｡⁠・⁠/⁠/⁠ε⁠/⁠/⁠・⁠｡⁠)

Tw: Dub/con, Necrophilia ?(Cuz... Zombies)

Zombie 🧟

Literally unable to control their bowels, being dead you don't have the most control over your body...

That sloppy loose spinchter would absolutely collect air, causing constant windy farts, and even though they function as on-command farts the smell would still be HORRID from simply passing through zombie cheeks.

Skin is probably rotting which is gross HOWEVER... It'd be extra soft and elastic, you could knead it like dough, maybe help work some of that trapped air out??

Maybe they're sentient but still hungry?? Maybe you're a zombie lover and collect piles of rotting meat from the dumpsters behind grocery stores to take to your zombie pal?? Maybe they over indulge and lie down with a huge bulging gut that stretches way beyond living limits??? Maybe bubbly farts slip out of their ass as they groan and pant??? Maybe all the blood from that red meat sends them into a burping fit???

Werewolf 🌕

I think we can all agree werewolf diets are GNARLY, if not for being their soulmate/Luna/omega (and so on and so forth), they'd probably eat YOU if given the chance. Expect your freezer to be emptied out obviously, but also your refrigerator and cabinets. Raw meat, deli meat and nut bars will start to go missing, but soon it will be sauce bottles, leftovers with freezer burn, jars of olives and all kinds of pickled foods. Their breath will quickly smell like vomit if you don't own a werewolf proof kiddie gate.

Although they have stomachs of steel and likely wouldn't experience stomach troubles or bloating, you'll quickly become witness to the nastiest farts ever released into the atmosphere. They'd range from loud and quick duck quacks to long rumbling motor engine farts. The smell might not compare to rotting meat levels but werewolf stench will NEVER leave you, it will singe your nose hairs, coat your walls, sink into your fabrics, even soak into leather, like a skunk gone wrong.

Even if they're in their human form that ass is still going to be COVERED in hair, no matter the age, gender, sex, whatever, what's a wereWOLF without its fur? And how willing are you to spend hours helping a gassy werewolf wash the jungle in-between their fat cheeks?

If you're in its pack or are at least a candidate to join you HAVE to be scented, can't walk around like you're just anyone's human! Maybe it's a thrilling loving process where your werewolf lover sits on your naked form and carefully pushes fart after fart onto each and every body part of yours. Or maybe it's a secretive process from a werewolf that hasn't revealed itself yet, helping with the laundry just to rub your clothing against their crack, working up a sweat so they can drain the sweat drops into your body spray, shampoo and lotion. Taking a nap with your toothbrush between their ass so each bristle will be stained with their scent...

Vampires 🦇

Farts are quiet and SBDs are frequent but not mandatory, usually their gas releases in sort of a hum that vibrates whatever they're sitting on or laying against. Perhaps they have a form of fart echolocation, maybe you've planned a surprise party for a vampire as they got bored of birthdays after their 121st, and instead of reaching for the light switch they just begin to let out bubbly farts as they move around their home.

If you offer your neck to a vampire you better be aware of your diet, if the vampires lactose intolerant you better watch your dairy, if they're sensitive to raw vegetables you'd better cook yours thoroughly, and for the love of anything don't give a vegan vampire your meat eater blood, unless of course you'd like to see them grasp at their stomach and groan, releasing uncharacteristically loud farts and moaning shamelessly...

Suppose this is a vampire that's taken a liking to you, naturally you'll begin to bond with them and it'd intensify after each bite, but the thing is, there isn't exactly a limit to human devotion. One day a vampire could be nothing but someone you cross on the street who makes your heart flutter with no memory of what occurred the night before, and a year later that vampire could be your beloved owner that only speaks to you in commands, whenever they need a chair you're bending over before they can finish their sentence, and when the smell of their own gas begins to bother them how could you not dive between their cheeks and smell it?

[drbarty]

It's your birthday today?? Well happy birthday, doctor!! I don't have much, but please have this glass of milk. 🥛Unless you're lactose intolerant then please have some water instead. 🚰

As you know, you wouldn't want to be caught in a thirst trap!

I will happily take a glass of milk! It is suppose to be um. Good for your...bones. Hmm.... As for thirst traps, not to worry! I never have much problem with them, I am mostly immune* *ᵘⁿˡᵉˢˢ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᵃʳᵉ ᵐᵃᵈᵉ ᵇʸ ᵈʳ ᶠᶦⁿⁿ

[juneberrie]

you've never tried cheesecake 😮 it's my favourite!! it's really good :)

unless you're lactose intolerant i suppose

my dogs just a snitch i think🙄 jk i love him really

im a very picky eater and i dont really like sweet stuff like cake and most candies but maybe i'll try cheesecake just for u <3

my pug likes to sleep all the time and my other dog is like ":D GIVE ME ATTENTION I'LL JUMP ON YOU I LOVE HUGS :DDD" so yeah

[hepaidattention]

I absolutely hate how media (especially in the 90s) turns people with food allergies into some kind of annoying, nagging character. Countless of movies and television shows I've watched will present a character you're supposed to find annoying or laugh at and they're like "oh I'm allergic to bees and nuts and dairy and gluten and" and everyone around them is always annoyed or turned off. They're portrayed as some geek who doesn't have social life, like allergies has anything to do with people's social skills. The worst part about it is it has put a stigma around people with allergies. They're labeled as annoying or a bother, and people get turned off so easily when I say like "I'm allergic to dairy" and act like I chose this life and that I'm trying to just make everyone's life harder for them. I am a very social person who love being around friends, and I don't even mention my allergy unless someone offers me food I cannot eat. But dating is SO HARD because so many asshole men immediately hear I can't eat like a pancake without DYING and they seem to think I'm just trying to get attention or I'm on some kind of diet and my allergy is an excuse. OR they find it annoying and see it as an inconvenience to their life. Media portraying normal humans with normal allergies isn't funny. It's literally so damaging to people who do have allergies because somehow it's uncool to keep an epipen in their bag. Oh, my allergies is hard for you? Sorry, I'll just pretend I don't have it and silently die when my waiter brings out food I told them I couldn't eat but they chose to ignore because they think allergy to dairy means I'm lactose intolerant.

[willowlark369]

for the writing prompts: Leverage fic where parker brings home a stary cat and the team has mixed reactions but all eventualy warm up to it? -Teagan

Okay. This is super adorable. I love it. ...I also may now be in love with this whole concept. So many potential family pet tropes, so little time.

---

"What is that?" Nate asked after coming down the stairs from his bedroom. The team had taken over his loft again. He had given up trying to keep them out, true, but it would have been nice if they would at least pretend to have boundaries. Still. It wasn't bad to wake up to coffee and breakfast already made most of the time. Having central place to meet also helped when they were in the middle of a job and admittedly, an apartment was more discreet than an office.

He was still a little peeved that Hardinson had brought the building, but even that had benefits given their proclivities.

"It's a cat," Parker answered as she traded off bites of cereal with the creature sitting on his kitchen island. Perhaps more surprising than the bedraggled beast in his apartment was that the cereal was Cheerios rather than the sugary kid-themed cereals that Parker usually ate for breakfast unless Eliot convinced her otherwise.

"I can see--" Nate cut himself off as he spotted Sophie pursing her lips behind Parker's back and giving him a slight shake of her head. Right. Parker doesn't understand figurative meanings. "I meant, why is there a cat in my apartment?"

"They needed a bath and your place was closest."

Nate squinted at the cat, really taking it in for the first time. Its orange and black long hair was choppy, even cut close to the skin in places, but sure enough, it was clean. As if sensing his gaze, it turned its golden eyes towards him. Then it dismissed him with a flick of one speckled ear and turned back towards the spoonful of milk that Parker was holding out for it.

"I'm not certain if the cat should have that," Nate tried instead. Before Parker or Sophie could say anything, there was a bustle of activity as Hardinson and Eliot arrived with armfuls of reusable shopping bags. Distractedly, Nate finished his thought as the guys started unloading the bags. "I don't think milk is actually good for cats."

"It's not," Hardinson chimed in. He approached Parker with a double-sided cat brush in one hand and a can of compressed air in the other. He handed the brush to Parker who had finished off the leftover milk from her cereal by then. "Cats are lactose intolerant." Hardinson shrugged as he leaned against the island. "But then, Eliot has been stocking your fridge with lactose-free dairy for the last month, so we're all good."

"Wait, what?"

"Hardinson," Eliot growled. "You weren't supposed to tell him."

"Skipping over why Eliot is stocking my fridge--"

"Because otherwise it's empty," Eliot interrupted. Nate narrowed his eyes at the man. Eliot held his hands up briefly in surrender before going back to pulling fish fillets out of the bag.

"Why lactose-free?"

Sophie, Eliot, and Hardinson all exchanged looks. Parker didn't, but probably because she was busy brushing the cat with the detangling side of the brush. Nate rubbed a hand over his face, debating if there was any way to postpone this conversation until after he had either coffee or a drink.

"You're gassy when you've had milk," Parker said when no one else seemed to want to speak. She continued brushing the cat. "And then you get cranky. Well, crankier than normal. So Eliot started swapping out what he got you. I like the new kind. They're better."

"I don't--I'm not--" Nate cut himself off abruptly because Sophie was not giving him a very unimpressed look. He sighed in defeat and decided to change the topic. "What are you going to call it?"

"Alley," Parker answered happily. "It's where I found them. It's a good name."

Alley purred in agreement.

[thetrashiestoftrash]

So every time my Crohn's puts me in the hospital, they send me home with a little dietary guide. By now, I'm very familiar with the gist of it: no whole grains or leafy greens, limit fiber, no laxatives like prunes, caffeine, or sugar alcohols. Smooth peanut butter, not crunchy.

But I do wish there was more explanation, and also more honesty in the guide.

Various foods are marked for lactose or gluten. I think there's a higher rate of lactose and/or gluten intolerance with inflammatory bowel disease, but it's still a separate thing. And for lactose intolerance, you just have to take an enzyme supplement. But they don't mark every possible sensitivity. Peanut allergies are common enough; why not put an asterisk next to peanut butter to remind the unlucky folks not to eat that?

Scrambled eggs--fully cooked--are listed as a recommended food. Fried eggs are listed as not recommended. Why? Are undercooked eggs actually a hazard for Crohn's, or is it just because they may carry salmonella? Why are fried eggs different? Also, considering the variety of eggs, could I have hard-boiled? Soft-boiled? Poached? Omelets? What are the key qualities in egg preparation that make some eggs safe and other eggs dangerous, and are those risks specific to my condition?

Skim milk is acceptable (unless you're lactose intolerant, and then lactose-free milk is okay). However, whole milk and cream are not. Why? Literally the only difference is the fat content (and to some degree, the vitamins--some vitamins are fat-soluble, and are lost when you skim the cream). Is the fat an irritant, or is this weight nonsense? Also, where does serving size factor in? I mean, I'm not gonna just chug a quart of heavy cream, but I'd like a splash in my (sigh, decaf) coffee.

They recommend margarine over butter. No.

Deli meats are okay. Lunch meats are not. Honestly, I use the terms interchangeably, but apparently things like salami and pepperoni are what I should avoid. What should I be looking for? Is it the nitrates? Because those are in a lot of things. Is that why I'm supposed to avoid hot dogs and bacon? Is it another fat-content thing? What's the key feature that makes ham good and bacon bad?

Ice cream is acceptable only if it's low-fat. But a lot of low-fat ice cream is also made with questionable sweeteners and other diet additives like chicory root, which is a real problem. How about I just don't eat a whole carton, and we call it good, okay?

I just want some clarity and again, honesty. How many of these tips are about managing my symptoms, and how many are about something else?