#ultimately i dont think he's like. gone or anything but i havent drawn them in a bit is all | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

masterturner · 6 years ago

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long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still. im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time. i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull. the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly. i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward. i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too? i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking. maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was. it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow. and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different. it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable. maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt. i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it. i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else? even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that. i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish. why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt. i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place. there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow. but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year. since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all? did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now? i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know. eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess. she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far. it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain. ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep. but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining? i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though. but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same

#do not reblog this

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itslovewithyouthings · 6 years ago

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The New York Giants new braintrust of general manager Dave Gettleman and head co… http://bit.ly/2XdoEzI

The New York Giants new braintrust of general manager Dave Gettleman and head coach Pat Shurmur knew that to rehabilitate a team that went 3-13 last season their biggest challenge was to fix the divided losing culture that permeated a team that was broken. When the Giants hired Shurmur giving him his second opportunity to be an NFL head coach Gettleman said the two men completey agree on the importance of culture. Football is the ultimate team sport Gettleman said. We have to put together a roster that is talented but who love the game of football and love to compete. Have they succeeded? Signs are everywhere that yes the divisions and dissension that plagued the Giants during their historically bad 2017 season are gone. Eli Apple after a tumultuous season is a happy camper with a new and improved outlook. Shurmur has lauded him for acting like a pro. Janoris Jenkins who had his own issues last season and is facing personal strife of his own has been business-like and solid on the field. There are quite often players working after practice and trying to help each other. Players like Nate Solder Connor Barwin Kareem Martin A.J. Francis and William Gay have brought with them not only talent but the desire to help other players. Shurmur likes to talk about keeping the focus on football. It feels like football again around the Giants with the focus o n the field instead of a myriad of other distractions. Credit for that has to go to Gettleman and Shurmur. They have everything to do with it and it has changed a lot said John Greco an 11-year veteran who came to the Giants midway through last season. Unfortunately for me I havent had a lot of success in wins and losses in my career but Ive always been around teams that never fell apart when things went bad. But last year there was a lot of that. I think that culture has changed. Odell Beckham and Sterling ShepardNorthJersey.com-USA TODAY NETWOR Reaching Odell If the Giants were going to successfully change their culture Shurmur and Gettleman had to reach superstar wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Shurmur is Beckhams third head coach and while not close to the reason Tom Coughlin and Ben McAdoo lost those jobs the way those two coaches handled Beckham did not help them. Desperate for victories after too many losing seasons Coughlin turned a blind eye in 2015 when Beckham had his run-in with Josh Norman of Carolina. McAdoo did the same last season when Beckham was penalized for his peeing celebration in Philadelphia. Truth is whatever you think of those incidents when the head coach wont stand up to his his star player and enforce standards or impose some type of discipline when necessary the rest of the roster notices. And the team framework erodes. Shurmur began reaching out to Beckham and trying to build a relationship back in February shortly after settling into the job. He even went to Los Angeles to see Beckham on his home turf. The result? Beckham has been everything the Giants hoped for. Coming back from an injury and seeking a rich long-term contract extension he participated in offseason workouts and mandatory mini-camp. In training camp despite still not having that deal and reports having circulated that he wouldnt step on the field without a deal Beckham has been a full participant in each practice during camp. Coach Shurmurs great. When we first met out in L.A. we just sat down and talked football. To see his mentality and how hes going to run the ship its been phenomenal to come in here every day Beckham said. He makes it fun for us. Hes just doing a great job. The contract Beckham wants appears within sight. The relationship forged by Shurmur with Beckham had a lot to do with it. This guy loves to play football Shurmur said of Beckham. He trains extremely hard hes totally engaged in the meetings behind the scenes the things that the world is not aware of and hes got a lot of passion for the game. Veteran leadership When the Giants won Super Bowls in 2007 and 2011 there was of course talent on the rosters. There was also veteran leadership. In 2007 a star like Michael Strahan and veterans like Antonio Pierce R.W. McQuarters and Sam Madison. In 2011 stars like Justin Tuck and Antrel Rolle guys like Chris Snee and David Diehl even a veteran like Deon Grant. Those types of players have been missing for the past several years. The Giants in an effort to get younger and more athletic moved on from veteran leaders like Tuck and Rolle saw guys like Snee and Diehl retire. In building their roster they virtually ignored the 30-and-over market. They got younger sure. They also left themselves with a leadership void. Without veteran players who had won who had been there and done that and who could guide some of their younger teammates. Nate Solder (right) with rookie Will Hernandez.Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports Gettleman and Shurmur have changed that. Veteran players like Gay (33) Greco (33) CBarwin (31) Jonathan Stewart (31) and Solder (30) have been added. Solder has had an excellent influence on Ereck Flowers and second-round pick Will Hernandez. Third-round pick Lorenzo Carter is soaking up knowledge from Barwin. Stewart is a former first-round pick who can help Saquon Barkley and Wayne Gallman. Gay is a veteran who loves the game and has helped the cornerback room filled with dissension a year ago come together. You have to stop worrying about age Gettleman said in the spring in answer to a question about Manning. He might as well have been talking about his approach to building the entire roster. One of those 30-somethings Barwin recently described what he thought it took to be a good teammate. You try do whatever you can to help a guy do better Barwin said. It is perhaps a small example but after Fridays practice 12th-year long-snapper Zak DeOssie was on the field helping 25-year-old Jordan Williams try to master the art of long-snapping which he has never done in a regular-season game. I think its good Shurmur said. I think especially when older players are helping younger players it shows me that they care and thats the most important thing. Genuine and approachable There is an old adage that you have to give respect to get respect. Spend time around Shurmur and you can see that is what he does. Coach Pat is one of the most genuine coaches Ive ever been around. That was veteran defensive tackle A.J. Francis playing for his sixth NFL organization on Shurmur. Greco has been with Shurmur in three stops when he was offensive coordinator of the St. Louis Rams then head coach of the Cleveland Browns before coming to the Giants. His personality is always the same. Hes a great guy players coach. I dont think theres anything thats changed as far as how hes approaching his day-to-day head coaching duties I see a ton of similarities. Greco said. Some coaches youre afraid to talk to. They have this aura about them that makes them unapproachable. I dont think thats Pat at all. You can go up to him and joke around and give him a hard time but at the same time you know when to separate that from work. I think thats great to have. Giants tight end Rhett Ellison was with Shurmur in Minnesota. Shurmur he is what youre going to get like thats who he is Ellison said. He doesnt change around different people or in different positions he is who he is. Hes real hes a great communicator and hes a great teacher. Shurmur has shown that genuine personality not only to players but to the media as well. The day players reported for training camp he stopped by unsolicited to chat with reporters and welcome them to camp. He will let you know if he is tired of a particular question but he gives respectful thoughtful answers to each question. He will often extend press briefings taking an extra question or two after the Giants PR staff tries to shut down briefings. Hes even opened up a little recently and drawn some laughs. Friday Shurmur spent about 15 or 20 minutes after his briefing talking with a group of young journalism students visiting for the day. Certainly he had someplace else he would rather have been but he gave them his full attention. Gettleman too has shown his personality to reporters. He jokes with them. He uses their names. He talks to people not at them. And yes there is a difference. Players notice those kinds of things. Media too. Ive seen Mr. Gettleman Ive seen Pat talk to everyone on the team no matter who you are. They come in they want to know how your day is doing they want to know how youre feeling Greco said. I think that makes guys feel good especially the younger players. They dont feel like just a number and a name. They feel like part of a family. A pragmatic approach Gettleman and Shurmur didnt know each other before Shurmur was hired by the Giants. The marriage has thus far been a good one. Gettleman said that Shurmur an offensive coach has a pragmatic approach much like many defensive-oriented head coaches he has been around. Hes got a great way about him Gettleman said. What Ive found is defensive coaches if you look at NFL history the greatest head coaches most of the greatest head coaches have come from the defensive side of the ball. They tend to be very pragmatic. Joe Schmo goes down Sam Smith goes in these are our adjustments. Ive got a head coach who has been on the offensive side of the ball his whole career with that pragmatic approach so Im in heaven Im in absolute heaven. Hes very pragmatic. I think hes got a great way about him with the players. He keeps it simple. Were playing football its not rocket science. Were playing football put the ball down lets go 11 guys lets go. Im thrilled with Pat. I couldnt be happier. Hes everything I thought he could be. I do try to be realistic about things. How our game relates to the players. I dont know if thats part of being pragmatic Shurmur said. Try to solve the problems as they come up with a plan in place. Decide what our plan is work the players to try to get em better and then when things change be willing to adjust. I really do believe its about the players. That is a Shurmur quote from his first press conference after being hired. We used to have a thing we said in Philadelphia and then certainly when we went to Minnesota that Its not the plays its the players. I think whats important is were going to establish the right way to do things. Were going to establish what we want as a New York Giants football team Shurmur said. I think what you do is you start initially with the locker room by developing relationships with those guys that love to play football and youre constantly talking to them about what it means to be a good pro. Final thoughts The Giants have not played a game yet. There is no guarantee that anything they have done will lead them back to the playoffs or even to being better than they were a year ago. Still it is abundantly clear that the Giants are in a better place. Shurmur and Gettleman deserve credit for that. Source link The post Valentines Views: Pat Shurmur Dave Gettleman change Giants culture appeared first on Proud Teams.

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The New York Giants new braintrust of general manager Dave Gettleman and head co… http://bit.ly/2XdoEzI

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