#ultimately - dont shoot me for saying it - he genuinely is a good guy and recognizes cheating is a low blow

[myownprivatcidaho]

sigh. so basically,

so. ive known this guy for nearly 3 years now, we go to the same acting studio but havent been in the same class until this school year.

SO. i kinda sorta had a thing for him since the start of the schoolyear but it wasnt Active yknow it was more. latent. like a puddle of gasoline on the ground, it was pretty harmless until something sparked. and boy did it spark.

september 8: i caught him checking me out for the first time. he then asked for my number (under the pretense of sending a 100+ page pdf. yknow, to Help) BUT. my phone then was absolute junk at receiving pdfs so i had to give him my email. off to a great start

over the next few weeks i started having more & more of a Thing for him while also totally spiraling at the idea of vulnerability. just by his nature hes very caring and likes being helpful and was. just so gentle with me. like didnt take any toughness for granted and was always so genuinely encouraging and helpful. if you werent here at myownprivatcidaho, (finalgirldeanwinchester at the time) in the fall 2021 semester, basically this was the first time i really really let myself just. Like someone. this was all new for me and i was scared shitless.

even worse, for some reason whenever i have any type of thing for someone my instinct is to find it absolutely crucial they Cannot see it. but i liked him and realized he had a thing for me too, and he seemed pretty trustworthy so. i was willing to consider taking this leap.

so mid october the most i was doing was sitting next to him in ass flattering jeans. i still didnt look at him when he talked or pay any special attention but i Was very much losing my fucking absolute actual mind.

october 13 i finally got his number after over a month of trying to figure out how. i depersonalized it right after by saying i just needed to get more people in the class's numbers. you know like an emotionally available genius.

slowly i realized all his encouragement and helpfulness was starting to wane. and i REALIZED. like fucking woke up in a cold sweat when it hit that this guy has absolutely no fucking reason to think that i like him. great. so i was ready to mope and cry about how everyone leaves me and its all my fault until i got a grip and said no. im pulling this ginger ass marketing major if its the last goddamn thing i do.

so i talked to my sister (i dont come to her with ANYTHING on my mind, so.) and basically after much struggle she helped me decide to commit to the valiant and taxing efforts of a) looking at him when he talked and b) maybe even checking him out. great. awesome i can do those

so heres where things REALLLY started heating up

october 20 i checked out his hands. like i noticed them before (and LIKED what i saw) (hed wear 3 rings two on his right index & ring finger and one on his left middle) but this day he was popping his knuckles so i Watched him. and he Saw me watching him. so you know what he did. ? YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FUCKER DID?????? fingering gestures. yep. without even looking at me he started pulsing two of his fingers (couldnt tell if it was index & middle or middle & ring because i was straining my peripheral vision to hell and back) and he DID this for roughly 15 fucking seconds. jesus christ. like at this point i was ALREADY losing my damn mind and there was ALREADY silent tension but. this is where we semi-acknowledged it. not out loud but it was Acknowledged.

so more weeks passed, at one point i tried texting him like small talk and hed take fucking 5 ever to respond and eventually let the conversation die. theres like 8 messages total between us lmao. all the while he continued flaunting his hands like a fucking thot.

(important to note, after that first Encounter i was like. ok. okay FINE you asked for it. this is War. and i rolled out the slutpants: tight black skinny jeans that i ripped too close to the crotch like Icarus flying too close to the sun. call that thiccarus.)

so it went on like a silent exchange of spank bank material for weeks without any mutual Acknowledgement we were actually doing it. all the while i was wondering more and more as to why he was holding back so much and why he wasnt doing anything about it.? was he not wanting a relationship? was he talking to someone else (ruled that out cause he didnt seem like the type of person to do that. RIGHT? just wait and see.)? what the hell was going on? what did he WANT from me?

so all the way into december that MADNESS continued and we also just. got more and more Comfortable around each other with each week. it was less giddiness and more genuine open mutual enjoyment. we liked talking to each other and got along really well but there was still Tension that neither of us were acknowledging, much less acting on.

(i did have one concern though: it seemed like i only wanted to fuck him. but we were getting friendly enough this surely wasnt the case. right? RIGHT???????)

so FINALLY end of november i decided i was gonna ask him out. i was thinking about how and decided id ask him out on the last day if he didnt ask me out first. thats how Into It he seemed and how much he seemed to be fine with showing.

so. the last day of the semester comes. december 15. we were friendlier and more comfortable than we'd ever been before and neither of us were interested in being discreet in checking the other out. so. at one point when we were alone i asked him if we can talk after class and his voice went all Soft the way it does when he talks to me and he said “yeah. for sure.” after that its like our back and forth was Shut Off. he wasnt laughing at my jokes or even acknowledging me. i didnt really worry about it. so i hung back for like 30 whole minutes after class while he was getting something done and at last we were on the parking lot sidewalk when we had the Conversation

he asked "so what was it you wanted to tell me?" and let me talk from there. (he was looking at me in a flirtyish way at first, like “are you about to say what i think youre about to say?”). and after lots of stammering and rambling in circles and saying "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" a whole lot, (at some point i looked up at him and. his gaze Shifted. it wasnt flirty and smooth it was. all soft. and gentle. hed looked at me like that in flashes the entire semester but this was full, undivided attention and like i was made of gold. it just. Calmed me and i thought “everything is gonna be okay”) i said "i like you. and i have forrrr .... just about all of the semester." and like stuttered out some more stuff and bit more and was about to say more when i realized he looked like he had something to say. so i tapered off my ramblings to let him speak and you know what he said? YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?????

"so, im actually talking to someone right now"

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

THE FUCK

???????

"and we've been going on dates, and it looks like it might be something serious. so"

????????

all the while i, the amazing faker of emotions, was just like "oh okay!" like i wasnt just hit with a literal FREIGHT TRAIN right between the goddamned eyes jesus fucking CHRIST i did NOT see that one coming

the conversation started closing off from there. he said "i hope i didnt totally crush you with that" a couple times i said "nah no worries its all good". you know, like a liar. he said "i had a feeling you were gonna say that and i didnt wanna let you down." you know, like a lousy ass BITCH

not once did we acknowledge all that back and forth - whatever you might even fucking call it - that went on for the back half of the whole ass semester

anyways we're both great at feigning friendliness and glossing over awkwardness (acting, even. ha ha) so we said goodbye from there. from an outside perspective, such as that of the very confused teacher sitting in her car wondering what two very different students who barely actually speak out loud to each other could possibly have to say that would last for nearly 10 minutes while she had to pick up her kids from school, it looked like just two people chit chatting, one of them being weirdly flustered despite her really cool and sexy tough and extremely convincing exterior. maybe she didnt take her meds that morning. but yeah. we both said "see you in a couple weeks!" and then left.

major. unforeseen. event.

WHAT.

so then i was spiraling for completely DIFFERENT reasons than i had been for the entire semester. i was angry and jilted and HURT. and heres the thing, i can handle being told no. for any reason. if he did all that and turned out he just didnt want to commit to anything, thats fine i could handle that. but driving back it actually hit like what the fuck. he was TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE????? fucked up man. its not just unfair to ME it was unfair to THAT person. so winter break (which only lasted a couple weeks) passed and i was PISSED and then. classes started up again.

(the first couple weeks were on zoom due to the omicron surge)

so january 5, over a zoom call he looked guilty as hell. guilt ridden - not trippy - but ridden. as all hell. we both backed away from the screen when the other spoke and we didnt look at each other the same, and then i thought you know what? if im pissed at him thats my business, but i dont need the teacher seeing i have beef with her personal favorite. AND im not a pussy AND im not about to distract anyone else AND im not gonna show that im a Person That Catches Feelings. so i, the amazing faker of emotions, (had to) put effort into basically copypasting my demeanor towards others onto my demeanor towards him (and ok i mightve smiled. very big. for seconds on end. at one point at him.). and he took that shit as a green light. his expression brightened up like the sun coming out on a cloudy day. he went back to nodding when i talked and visibly paying lots of attention and outright smiling when i talked about things that make me happy and the people i love.just as he was before all the bullshit was revealed

anyways after that class i cried. i was HOPING that i just misread things. that he just wanted to fuck and didnt have a Thing for me personally. no. fucking. dice. its like he was confirming i misread nothing, i wasnt a #1 potential fleshlight, i was second best to someone else. and i wasnt off the hook because he still wasnt over me. great.

so this is where we are now. the second week he wasnt there and the third its like he was testing the waters by making an effort to talk to me and he made me laugh. a lot. like he was enjoying the act. and seeing me smile lots. great.

(see. its hard because when someone tells you they have feelings that arent returned usually you have the decency to back off and leave them alone. right? and distance any awkwardness and enforce youre not Into them like that. right? this mf was getting even Closer and even more friendly and active and intentional than he ever had before.)

this was the first in-person class. i initially didnt want to like. link any other post but this ones got (much needed) fucking illustrations of seating arrangements. if you want an idea of how he was.

im not sure when or how things ended with that potentially serious person he was talking to but i know that he was single (and drunk) as of valentines day.

this last class (2/23) was fun (and over zoom bc weather issues). its hard because this semester started with both of us just going out of our way to feign lack of awkwardness and prove to a third perspective that theres no type of feelings (be it tender touchy or sour) between us and now its just devolved into plain talking to each other again, more than we ever have before because (at least on my part), things were acknowledged and he seems like. to have some intention to show reciprocation.

soooooo thats about it in answer to your question. we've never gone on a date, we haven't texted more than like 8 messages total, we haven't had any physical contact in the 3 years of knowing each other. and we're both going nuts

i dont know if ill text him (you know. with "questions" on the transfer process to his school (even though his transfer was dual credit and mine is from a community college)(he is once again inviting conversation through an offer to be helpful)). i have a few questions but like. they can wait. hes probably itching for me to text him but. thing is he hasnt TOLD me hes not seeing that person anymore, he hasnt TOLD me my feelings were reciprocated, he hasnt even TOLD ME hes sorry. im not a damn mind reader, he has to take some fucking initiative on this one and i dont want to just launch into what feels Good if it means sweeping all the horseshit under the rug (and like i said in previous posts. this has left me pretty fucked up for reasons he doesnt even KNOW about)(and my opinion of him has changed and ive lost some respect for him. even though there was never any commitment he did fucking lead me on and went behind backs for Funsies)(and YEAH shoot me i want to give him a taste of his own medicine. the days on end id go waiting for him to text back were EXCRUCIATING. yeah. i can wait this shit out.) anyways. so thats that so far

girl what is going ON have you gone on a date with this guy yet or what

phewwwwwww . well. that ones a long story