#u know what fuck it i'm gonna tag this. the fandom could use more crackfic

[sparxwrites]

Prompt: canon divergence ‘I broke the world for you.’ ; )

(there are only three people in the entire world that have the full context for this. one of them is me, one of them sent this ask, and the other is, hilariously, @lyinginbedmon​. dedicated to @rhydalic​: you’re a bastard, i hope you’re happy, thanks for keeping me up until 2am last night to write this utterly incomprehensible nonsense for your personal entertainment and delight. you’re welcome.)

Based on a true story.

“Sylas! Sylas, did you have to kill Lord de Rolo? Truly? He was contained, there was really no need.”

“It’s unfortunate, my love, but yes. I told you, we can’t keep all of them, there’s just too many. It’s strategic pruning, is all. We both agreed it was necessary.

“I leave you alone for five minutes to work on the ziggurat, dearest, honestly. I can’t take my eyes off you for a second, love. It’s terrible.”

[A minute of silence, broken by the faint sound of tapping.]

“Sylas! You killed all of them? Really?”

“I left you two. Your favourites, Percival and Cassandra. So, if you need more, we can always breed them – we have plenty of meat, after all. And besides, you kept saying that your framerate-”

“Dearest, do you have any idea how long it took me to collect that? And now I’m going to have to start from scratch…”

“Not scratch! I left you two! We’ve got plenty of meat, you can breed them, or- ah, oh dear, oh no-”

[The sounds of a distant, unmistakable explosion.]

“...My dearest heart. Love of my life. What was that.”

“Delilah, we have an emergency, Cassandra and Percy are loose. I repeat, Cassandra and Percy are loose.”

“Sylas!”

“It’s okay, I have meat! I have meat. Here, come here Cassandra, there’s a good girl, come on- there we are, Cassandra’s back, we have Cassandra, I’ve got her back in the pen-”

“And Percival?”

“...Percival has… Ah. Percival appears to have vanished.” “

“Sylas!”

I’m so sorry, my love, I don’t know where he’s gone-”

“So, you kill most of my dogs, and then, then, you lose one of the only two remaining ones? How am I meant to breed more with just one dog, Sylas?!”

“You can tame one-”

“We have no bones! And they don’t just grow on trees, you know, the days it took me to find that many-”

“Look, my love, I’ll fix it all for you. I swear. I’ll go out and get some bones for you as soon as it’s night-time, and then I’ll find you a wolf and bring it back to the castle. I’ll fix this for you, I promise.”

“...Very well. Fine.”

[A few minutes of sulky silence, other than tapping and clicking.]

“...Well. I have some good news, at least. I’ve finished the ziggurat! We finally have a portal.”

“Fantastic! That’s excellent news, my love, I’m so pleased.”

“You should come down and take a look, love, it’s really quite impressive. The culmination of all our work is… far better and more beautiful than I could ever have hoped for. Oh, and don’t mind all the eggs in the cells, by the way, when you do. Ripley is laying remarkably fast, for some reason.”

“With you as its architect, Delilah, I have no doubt it is spectacular. Give me a minute, my love, and I’ll be down there to see the fruits of your labour.”

“I’m just going through the portal for a moment, Sylas, whilst I wait for you. Just to see where it takes us, where it will spit us out in-”

17.02 19:52:55 [Server] Server thread/WARN Can't keep up! Is the server overloaded? Running 6552ms or 131 ticks behind17.02 19:52:55 [Server] Server thread/WARN Keeping entity minecraft:item that already exists with UUID 4e53d0a2-4c8f-9568-6d9e5e91ef6317.02 19:52:55 [Server] Server thread/WARN Lady_Briarwood moved too quickly! 0.11356428327559343,-6.464159374955443,7.66378577666531817.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Watchdog/FATAL A single server tick took 60.00 seconds (should be max 0.05)17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Watchdog/FATAL Considering it to be crashed, server will forcibly shutdown.17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Watchdog/ERROR This crash report has been saved to: /./crash-reports/crash-2016-02-17_17.54.01-server.txt17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Stopping server17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Saving players17.02 19:54:01 [Disconnect] User Lord_Briarwood has disconnected, reason: Server closed17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server thread/INFO Lord_Briarwood left the game17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server thread/WARN handleDisconnection() called twice17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Saving worlds17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Saving chunks for level 'world'/minecraft:the_end17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Saving chunks for level 'world'/minecraft:overworld17.02 19:54:01 [Server] Server Shutdown Thread/INFO Saving chunks for level 'world'/minecraft:the_nether17.02 19:54:03 [Minecraft] Server shut down (running)17.02 19:54:03 [Minecraft] Restarting crashed server in 5 seconds17.02 19:54:03 [Minecraft] Looks like a crash, check the server console. Return value: 117.02 19:54:03 [Minecraft] Server stopped17.02 19:54:03 [Disconnect] User Lady_Briarwood has disconnected, reason: Server shutting down

“Well. That was rather anticlimactic.”

“Indeed.”

[A pause.]

“I’ve just logged back in and it… appears to have put me back at spawn. Sans the hut we made there, for our first night. I believe the crash may have been severe enough to reset the server to its initial state.”

“Hmm. Unfortunate. When was the most recent backup? If I have to build that entire ziggurat again…”

[Absolutely frantic sounds of typing.]

“...Sylas, darling. You did remember to back the server up, didn’t you?”

“Ah. Well. About that…”

“What! But- all our work! Whitestone Castle! The ziggurat! We’d only just opened the portal, too… Please tell me it’s not gone? All our hard work...”

“I, ah… The backup doesn’t… seem to have… run… per se. There’s… Delilah, there’s nothing left.”

[The sound of hands slamming against the desk, and a clatter that might be a headset getting tossed against a wall.]

“I want a divorce.”

“I- Delilah, what? Over a Minecraft server?”

“Yes! I broke the world for you, and your ridiculous ziggurat with the nether portal on top, and- do you have any idea how much obsidian that took? And you didn’t even bother to back it up?”

“But, Delilah-”

“No! Not another word. It’s appalling. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”