#u don't have to read but i'd appreciate if someone did bc i feel Alone

[juvederm]

oversharing, being mentally ill possibly

i genuinely don't know if this is a legitimate phenomenon or not, but i have friends who "IRL" characters (call them delusions at times), and i kind of don't get it. it kinda seems like kinning to me. i described how i felt about my attachment to josh, and my friend related to a T but still called theirs a delusion. and correct me if im wrong but like... aren't delusions something that u don't know is happening... like ur not aware ur being delusional. but my friends seemed very like, aware. complete opposite.

so they tend to get upset when you "double" (meaning like, you kin or "IRL" the same character as them), or shit talk the character in any way. i kind of related to that aspect, just being overly protective of a character. but since my friend related to me, i assumed i had like a safe space to vent abt my actual frustrations with like, having this heavy of an attachment so i'll get into that now.

because josh is like my most liked loved admired character in my arsenal, i always projected onto him. when i was 14-15, i didn't call him a kin, because i didn't exactly relate to his canon version. instead i made a version of him i related to, and he was Literally me at that point. but also not. and comically as time went on, i noticed i was becoming more like his canon version, but also staying like the projection version of him (bc he literally had the same interests as me, same music taste, same fashion sense, same everything). this all snowballed into a weird thing where now he's become apart of my brain. he has like his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, sometimes i say things that he thinks and it gets me in trouble at times. i worry that like he might take over? and that i won't have any original thoughts? even tho this version of him is a mix of canon and projection. like we have to share some of the same thoughts but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. like i differ from him in some ways, for example, he's like a different type of intelligent from me, he likes castlevania and fighting games, etc.

along with this, i also have a sort of gender envy for him. i always wanted to look like him, be socialized the same way he was, have all the same friends as him, like i really wanted to Be him. so i took his name as a start. and it's always been a smack in the face to look in the mirror and not see That. being confronted with a girl reflection.

so i coped pretty hard. it became somewhat dissociative? i don't know if that's the right word, but i genuinely departed from my physical self whenever i'd do my "rituals" (i say this tentatively because i know this is a term used for OCD, which i'm not entirely sure i have or not), and my rituals always had to be the following thing: between 1-4:30 AM, at least an hour long, they had to have a Story, and they had to be Useful. and another thing, absolutely NO LIGHT. and it wasn't like i wanted to do them (i sometimes did), i HAD to do them. i've been very irritable the past few days because i've been missing them (literlaly bc i fixed my sleep schedule loool) and it's just been upsetting me.

it became hard to do anything, i've had these rituals since i was a kid. they always had to do with something i was currently obsessing over. always at night too. nothing really changed there. when i got to high school, i realized i was never going to be josh, or that ideal projection of him. because he was Me but he was also Me If I Did Anything With My Life. but i got to school, i wore the same black hoodie everyday, i didn't talk to anyone, i had my headphones on 24/7. and talking to people physically made me ill. i actually could not do it, because i would have an out of body experience where i would see myself through the eyes of whoever i was talking to, and see myself as who i ACTUALLY was, rather than the person i became during my rituals. and it stressed me out every single day i went to school, and on top of me just being a very slow worker (i cannot do deadlines), having dysphoria and depression, i couldn't Do school anymore. so i dropped out.

and nobody got why i did, i'm still very much judged for my decision but it was for my Own good. i've not been Great but my quality of life definitely improved a little bit after i dropped out. and i hate socializing with people as who i physically am, i hate being perceived when i can't control what i look like (can't start T, can't cut my hair, can't dress masculine), so i'm just a Girl to everyone which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i just want to CONTROL when i feel like a girl, i don't want it to be my natural state because i want to be Both. a girl and a boy. during my rituals, i always feel like a boy. to be honest, i feel like josh. that's the best i can describe it.

and back to my original point, i basically said all of this (although more condensed), and admitted that i disliked that disconnect i had by looking in the mirror and not seeing josh, i think my friend got upset by that? by me saying like, i wasn't who i feel and thought i was, and i think they took it as me saying "ur not (insert character) irl, just look in the mirror" but that's not at all what i was trying to say. i'm not rly defending myself here bc who am i defending myself to? like whoever's reading this is not like, thibking im the villain hopefully

but yeah. anyway. did you pray today

[wcamino-confessions]

I wanted to share experiences with echo too. I don't usually want to get involved in any of this kinda stuff but she really hurt me and a lot of my friends and she doesn't seem to understand that.

I was almost an ex, to put it simply. Echo approached me in pms but idk why, and the first thing she was asked if I wanted to be her friend, platonic gf, or "first"? still don't know what she meant by the last one lol. I'd never met her or seen her around before so I was like hell yeah platonic gf that'll be funny!! So we became amino "wives", and she introduced me to a bunch of her friends and it was a pretty fun first day lol. After knowing me for a day she pmed me me saying she loved me, that I was "the best she could ask for" and yada yada

And i was like yeah cool nice bc at the time it was all harmless fun lol.

Later one she started to get incredibly overprotective, despite it being "platonic". She would leave chats or act upset/angry if I joked around with my friends, fake flirting or anything "too friendly". It made me uncomfortable because I felt like i couldn't talk to my friends how I usually did or she'd get angry or upset at me.

I know she left because of this because she told me in pms. (after I had already said no to dating her)

And then there's when she actually asked me out. Just before this she had talked about how much she was scared of rejection. (I don't have screenshots for everything, most of it happened in gcs with friends that are now deleted.) She asked me in a huge message, saying I was "the light of her life", ect.

And i was incredibly stressed out at this time,, because I had no clue what to do. If it wasn't for a friend helping me out, I would've said yes despite not wanting to. I felt so bad saying no because of course you would after a message like that? Keep in mind I'd known her for around week or two. I sent back a long message of my own, explaining why I was saying no while trying to keep her happy at the same time. I said we might be able to try again in the future. I was crying through this because these situations make me super nervous and I felt so so bad for saying no after she had showered me with affection.

We sorta returned to normal after this. Still being platonic gfs because I didn't want to loose her or others over it. She got more overprotective though, like when my post was featured (💖💞ty whoever featured it) she would reply to any slightly negative comments incredibly rudely, swearing and insulting people. This was done mainly while I was offline so I couldn't do anything about it until later. She told someone to "shut your dirty ass mouth", and I ended up getting two hate pms over it which rlly sucked because it made me feel like it was my fault again. She kept up with leaving chats when I joked with friends, so eventually a friend stepped in and told her she was making me uncomfortable.

The 2nd ss was the friend telling me what she said after ^. Echo then posted rants on her wall, left chats, and ignored my pm. She later pmed me herself asking if she made me uncomfortable, and I explained. The next message I got was her explaining she didn't want to be "wives"

Removed personal info for both of us. I explained to her that was OK, I understood, and wanted to stay friends. She apparently shared that want. However, 2 days later, a mutual friend was banned, and when I reached out to her she said she wanted to be left alone. About an hour later she left the conversation and cut all contact.

I felt like it was my fault that she was upset, that I ruined our friendship, and I was confused to why she would just cut me off after everything. I felt like it had all been fake from the start. If she had really cared she wouldn't have done that. I didn't tell anyone except the friend that helped me previously due to fear of them being angry, or ditching me for echo. Later, echo briefly talked to me again about loving a mutual friend (star) and that's the last of it. I'm sure you know what happened with star already so I don't need to fill that in.

Before you say "why not confront echo instead of talking about it here", I did. I messaged her on discord yesterday after the star drama came up and I'd told my friends what happened w me (they were lovely and supportive and I love and appreciate u all so so much💖💞). Echo replied, trying to guilt me (again lol) by saying I didn't care about her, and I was only there because she upset star. I responded with

Blocked out is a personal message from star she wanted me to send through.

I don't know what to think of the whole situation now, and I'm sure I missed a lot out, but I feel that I was manipulated and used. Thank you to: star, shiningsnow, shelly/eth, suki, songbird, minnow, swrmz, all of my friends, worm disco, tplt chat, star's amino staff. Ur all awesome and ilyall sm 💖💖💞

And echo, if you're reading this, stay away from my friends.