#typical that only when i'm close to finishing the game that i decide to explore properly and take screenshots

[cybersteal]

sunny Pacifica

[fedorahead]

I put CWs, but I'll add a foreward; this post deals with drugs (magic mushrooms), sexual trauma, childhood abuse, and some religion. It's also maybe the most candid thing I've written in a long time.

This past weekend was my husband's birthday. We had date night Friday, and we decided to lemon tek some APEs that we've had sitting around for a while. I was worried they'd lose their potency because we put zero serious effort into storing them correctly and it has been months. These ones had been fantastic the past few times we partook, and we'd only been doing small amounts (small for us is 1-3g typically, and I usually eat rather than lemon tek which is a mellower, longer experience).

It's been a while as I mentioned, so my tolerance was back to zero, so when I finished my cup of lemon earl grey and asked how much I'd just had, I got a little anxious when he said it was 3.5g. But I had already set my mind to enjoying the evening for his benefit, so I calmed myself and got ready for the ride.

We've got a year and a half of eating mushrooms together now, we started just before my 30th birthday. I'd had them once before and it was not a good experience (yay music festivals and mixing substances) and he had done a lot of exploring in his teen and early adult years, but it had been a while. I delved headlong into the studies of psychonautica and mycology, and discovered I have better retention for mycological facts in my adulthood than I did for spelling or debunked urban legends in childhood (absolute mastery of those subjects, as a kid anyway).

We went into the bedroom, because the most important discovery I've made about enjoying the ride is that oxytocin is the miracle chem that turns a mushroom high into a full sensory vacation; though in the ounces upon ounces I've consumed, even pushing 7g in an evening and timing my medications for maximum effect, I'd never reached that state that neurotypicals (and even other autists/ptsd cases) tell tales of. Cohesion has never been the name of my game.

Our sex life, I won't go into, but it involves a lot of discussion of concepts reserved for the privacy of just us- this is relevant, I'm not just bragging or baiting. We started to do our thing, intimacy, closeness, playing roles that weren't really divorced from reality, and I came into full swing.

The intrusive thoughts that plague me always, and especially during sexy funtimes, became more tangible and less repetitive or fleeting. I started crying, (which was perfectly appropriate and enjoyable for both parties).

Sooner than expected, the sun was rising, and I was living renewed. Two major understandings came to me: one, much subtler and less applicable to daily life; the other, a complete audit of my entire identity.

The first realization was a spiritual one. I've always been an atheist. I tried to believe in something, anything, but none of the proffered options gave me any sort of inspiration.

I've also always had inclinations towards believing in the essence, soul, maybe even consciousness of things around me. Toy Story spoke to me as a tiny kid, and when Pocahontas sang "every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name", that resonated with me. Maybe it's cliché, or maybe there's an inherent respect for the world around us children understand that our society teaches us to ignore. Those movies were hits for a reason. Either way, especially since starting mushrooms but even before, I've felt tapped into something. My Buddhist studies have felt the closest to, well, not understanding it, but definitely vibing with it, whatever it is. And this weekend I connected the thing I do feel in some ways and some times with the stories other people have told of spiritual experiences. My brain is more inclined to see it as some sort of magic, and I've worried I've got schizophrenia many times for having some supernatural... not beliefs, but openness I suppose. It's always felt like a flaw, but I see now that it's just the thing all those other people have been going on about my whole life. They just layer all their tangible bullshit on top of it and make it so hard to see. And seeking whatever this is feels very very different to the assertion of seeking "answers" or some form of "explanation" regarding the nature of existence. Fictional media concepts like the warp, or the multiverse, or parallel dimensions (yes I know that's covered by the multiverse), higher and lower planes of existence, the threads that connect all things, even enlightenment; they're all referring to this place I've been going for a long time and I finally understand that now.

The second revelation, I've called it an epiphany, I've posted about incessantly since having it both here and on facebook.

Everything I use to define myself, every aspect of my personality I recognize and feel I know, is a result of, either by adherence to or rebellion from, a set of expectations that were forced upon me from birth. On one side of my family, there were the best of intentions, trying to encourage an educated, compassionate, caring, sensitive person. One with confidence and self-esteem, even though those were struggles for everyone guiding me. On the other, one person had control, and his expectations were not rules set out but reality presented in the form of facts and logical rants and arguments that begged their own questions. It was also a childhood of warnings, explanations, exposure to concepts far beyond a child's years. I was to be smart, quick-witted, fit, rational, completely sexually repressed, modest in clothing but not in academia, and entirely dependent. Mental illness wasn't an option, disability a choice I was to opt out of. I was taught cultural knowledge that was out of date by my birth let alone my tween years. The world around me had a lens of his perception. When I decided I would not be torn down for making my own life choices any more, I walked out of his house and stopped seeing him for years. While his mother and sister held control of me financially, they pressured me to "just go see him" and I refused. During that time, I worked very hard at unlearning the twisted life lessons he'd given me, the fundamental "truths" that were no such thing. When I was in my early 20s, I thought I had shaken his programming and rejoiced that I was no longer spewing ignorant bile at the expense of the people around me, that I had deprogrammed myself.

This weekend, I realized how much deeper it went. I don't share his views anymore, but I was still bound by a deeper programming. Realization after realization hit me in waves. Every formative memory holds a trauma that has defined me for 30+ years. Every deviance from the norm I have, I can track to his behaviours, his words, his intentions. Including the source of most difficult shame, my sexuality.

I'm still not comfortable talking about the specifics of things in my head. But I had not realized until this weekend that they weren't facets of my inherent self; he put them there. His warnings and admonitions, so early in my life, meant I knew what incest was before I knew what sex was. Meant I knew what repressed memories were before I understood trauma. I remember not believing him when he told me women didn't enjoy sex, because how could it be objectionable when I already wanted it so bad, so young? I considered myself precocious until recently; the warning signs had been there the whole time, but I assumed I'd become who I am naturally and wasn't like others who only developed early sexuality from relevant abuse.

I've known for years the things he had been accused of, and also been told by anyone that would answer that the situation was complicated, that he probably hadn't done anything, that it was a misunderstanding, that maybe the witness lied and that's why she didn't come back to court to testify. Nobody wanted me to understand how terrifying it would be to go up against him in court, a small woman tied to our families, part of the social circle, whose house I'm sure he had been to. A teenage girl trying to protect a toddler without protection for herself.

From my late teens onward, I considered the signs that I'd been molested to be signs that our mental healthcare system was so terrible I'd been traumatized by that. A false allegation can still land the kid in probing meetings with adults who want to get something out of them. I do think spending my entire childhood in therapy traumatized me. I also wish they'd told me the truth. That they weren't sending me "just in case, because he yells so much", that they saw that I was suffering symptoms of complex trauma even at age 2 and they wanted to intervene. Even if I hadn't understood it, what I was told gave me room to believe his side. I kept believing his side for so long, it become the lore I told myself and others.

I realized, I've been running my whole life, and I don't have a self to find. He made sure of that.

Wave after wave of connection and realization made our evening of drugs and sex complex and amazing and ultimately, freeing.

I don't have to hate my body. I don't have to struggle to find clothes that cover perfectly normal parts. I don't have to compensate with gender confusion, sexuality confusion, hating labels and trying to find one and feeling like it's incomplete anyway. I don't have to have a cool name.

I get to build a person, and that person doesn't have to be perfect or better than anyone else. I don't have to look down on people for circumstances beyond their control. I don't have to be a judgmental dick just because I was traumatized into being one.

And I can have sex whenever I want, with whomever I want, and it doesn't have to be the sole purpose of my life to find the emotional fulfillment and validation sex provides. That can just be a fun side quest I do with my husband regularly. You know, to grind those skill points up or whatever.

I have energy. I have accomplished so much this week. I even cleaned the fridge and pantry. I danced. I played with the dog. For the first time in my life, I am Hannah, I am present, and I am free.

[j-minte08]

Why do I award BalanWonderworld as a masterpiece?

Introduction

⚠️I'm using a translator, so I apologize if any parts are difficult to read.

In this article, I will write about why I award Balan Wonderworld as a masterpiece, with answers to criticisms.

When I played the demo version, I thought this game was SO BAD. But I believed Yuji Naka and bought the full version. (Before I knew it, I had bought four of them...) I'm not raving blindly about it.

At first, I was hopelessly disappointed because nothing had changed from the demo version. However, in chapters 2 and 3, I was impressed by the three-dimensionality and beauty of the stages, and in chapter 4, I realized the comfort of gaining freedom through the acquisition of costumes.

By the time I was completely finished, I was convinced that this game was a great piece of work.

This is an article that I wrote after spending nearly 100 hours on this game.

I hope you will read it.

Main part

First of all, this game is not a game with flashy action as its primary objective. (Flashy battle action is possible in some scenes.)

【Puzzle】　【RPG】　【Exploration】

It is structured around these three main components.

The game also features a "Balance AI" that senses the player's movements and makes changes to the difficulty and world. There is also a presentation of my own work, so please take a look!

Please read with the above in mind.

■ One button action is stressful.

▶︎ As mentioned earlier, this game is not intended for flashy action. At its root, it is an RPG and does not require multiple buttons. The reason it's a simple operation is because it doesn't need to be.

There is only one button, but instead the player is given the freedom to select up to three actions of their choice. The way to play Balan is to find your own strategy within these constraints.

Some people point out that you can't jump, but only a few outfits limit jumping. Most of them are attack-oriented outfits. It's up to you to decide whether you want more attack power or more movement power.

If you're still not convinced, this game just isn't to your liking.(If that's you, I recommend the Wii version of Rodea.)

NiGHTS and Sonic are also action games with simple controls, but the concept is different from Baran, as explained below.

From the very beginning, NiGHTS and Sonic are one-button games that allow for exhilarating action. The action feels good and allows for improvement through trial and error.

However, Balan begins in a state of helplessness. One of his goals is to use his wits and eventually gain the power to run freely around the three-dimensional stage.

Freedom from discomfort. This catharsis is the best part of Balan.

It is also linked to the story's theme of opening closed minds.

■ The structure of the puzzle is sketchy.

▶︎ There is an intention behind this. By making the puzzle structure more flexible, the player is given more choices.

Therefore, each player will have a completely different solution to obtaining a single statue.

Also, each time you play the game, you will find new strategies, making it a game that can be played repeatedly.

This is the reason why Yuji Naka was so confident about this game.

Personally, I think that this action with a puzzle concept has a similar point of view to card games and rock-paper-scissors.

The Mega Man series is a typical example of a game that requires you to observe the situation and your opponent's movements to find the right technique and move. In fact, there is a famous episode where it was derived from rock-paper-scissors. This is also a game where you can enjoy improving through trial and error, but I think the structure of the rules is similar to that of Balan.

■ It's a pain to stock up on costumes.

▶︎ There is no need to overstock costumes. The minimum number of costumes needed to clear the course will naturally be available. Dependence on certain costumes can make the game monotonous. Also, the BalanceAI can sense your movements and take countermeasures.

As the difficulty level increases, you will have a hard time because the costumes will not come back.

The game is made more interesting by the style of play that allows you to use all the costumes to their fullest extent and bring out the true value of each one.

If you run out, explore the stage while collecting costumes. It may lead to new discoveries.

Even if you don't have a specific costume, there are many situations you can get through by applying other costumes.

This degree of freedom is what makes Balan so interesting. The strategy is left to your imagination.

■ The stage is curved. Isn't this a useless design?

▶︎ The curvature of the map allows you to see every corner of the stage. You may be confused because there is no other game that tries to do something like this. However, this is an ideal map for exploration games.

The basics of this gimmick are used as of chapter 1. Chapter 7, which has particularly large differences in elevation, makes good use of this gimmick.

■ The difficulty level is too low.

▶︎ Basics → Application → Review (Boss battle)

This game is designed to follow the above flow thoroughly. As a result, the difficulty level in the early stages is kept low, but the endgame is quite difficult. I almost lost my mind in chapter 12.

The bosses are easy to defeat. However, it is difficult to conquer all three strategy patterns.

Also, if you keep defeating enemies quickly without taking damage, the difficulty level will increase.Stronger and faster enemies will appear in large numbers.I found the difficulty level increased at chapter 3.

In other words, the difficulty of the game depends on how good you are.

■ I want to have a HP separate from my costume.

▶︎ This system prompts the player to use a different costume in case of failure.

Depending on the situation, you can either sacrifice valuable costumes, or use inconvenient but well-stocked costumes... The game throws a variety of choices at the player. This gameplay becomes more apparent as the difficulty level increases.

If you separate the HP from the costume, this tense gameplay will be lost.

The system of choosing outfits based on what will happen next fosters the ability to think and survive on one's own. It will also help the child's ego independence.

■ I need more explanations and hints. It's designed in an unfriendly way.

▶︎ It's not a game that requires you to do anything difficult, so if you think about it, you should be able to understand it to some extent. All you have to do is immerse yourself in collecting statues by any route you can think of.

Some people criticize Balan for being old-fashioned, but they are missing the point.

Games are essentially content that teaches you to think and act for yourself. This is a posting of what games should be, and a refreshing return to the basics.

However, I don't mean to criticize modern games. The immersive feeling of being in a movie, and the friendly design of the UI that shows you where you are going so you don't get lost. I think it's a beautiful evolution for today's hectic world where it's hard to find time to be alone.

However, to be honest, it is abnormal to say that only works that follow the latest trends are evaluated, and it is difficult to say that there is creativity in such works. Evolving technology and the presence or absence of originality have completely different meanings.

I would like to say that games like Balan, which have their own rules and think for themselves, are what we need today.

■ I don't understand the story. I want subtitles.

▶︎ With both video and dubbing, the amount of information is extremely high. By not using real words, all the people in the world have the exact same experience. Very romantic, don't you think?

It's not to dismiss the unspoken parts as non-existent, but to let your imagination run wild and have fun with it.

Since ancient times, there has been an aesthetic in Asia that finds meaning in blank spaces.

If you want a more substantial story, I recommend the novel version, which probably has what you want. It is available for Kindle.

At the end

Balan Wonderworld is a game designed to grow with the player the more time they spend playing.

Despite its gorgeous visuals, the reality of the story is deep and Yuji Naka's philosophy shines through, making it a masterpiece that can be called a compilation of his work.

At first, you may find some scenes difficult or the system annoying. However, they all have a meaning and will make sense as you continue to play.

Balan is built on a very complete system.

EVERY MOMENT IS AN ADVENTURE... This tagline is true.

But the fact is that Balan is a very peaky game. But that's also true for Sonic and NiGHTS.

If you have enjoyed Yuji Naka's past works, you will surely understand the quality of Balan. I recommend that you take the time to face this game first without any preconceived notions.

Now that I've spoken highly of Balan, I'd like to offer some criticism of the official advertising.

I think the main reason for this failure was the poor choice of stages included in the demo version, which made it difficult to convey the fun of expanding the degree of freedom by acquiring costumes, the sense of freedom, and the fun of being able to create a number of unique strategies.

As for the official SNS, rather than introducing the costumes and the storyline by themselves, the official should have done a better job of showing how they are all connected to make this game interesting.

That's how it looked from my personal point of view, but I believe that the current situation is the result of continuous failures in the area of advertising.

I'm so disappointed that this masterpiece is being buried, and I hope that the officials will have the guts to turn its reputation upside down even now.

Hopefully, this game will get the recognition it deserves. I love Balan Wonderworld.