#two weeks or whatever off work like. i have rent to pay. besides the insurance thing

[californiaquail]

11% more effective than placebo and this groundbreaking combination of two very common cheap and well established drugs costs $1200 for 60 tabs with the goodrx coupon. antidepressants are so silly (<- trying not to shoot myself)

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Weak ~ S.R. (part 2)

A/n: A good song for this part is “Grow As We Go” by Ben Platt. Even though I wrote this inspired by “Weak” by AJR, I feel this song works a lot better :) Side note: for some reason I changed POV halfway through but for only one part? And I didn’t want to miss something so I just left it. Just... ignore that lol.

Word Count: 7000+

MASTERLIST

They call me after dark, I don't want no part. My habits, they hold me like a grudge- I promise I won't budge.

"Hey JJ," Y/n greeted as she braced herself in front of the office she now stood in front of.

"Hey." JJ's voice had become quite familiar in their time talking. Prentiss had also given her number, but they didn't talk as much. JJ, Y/n and Penelope had a group chat though and the three of them talked loads. "I heard you start your new job today. You excited?"

Y/n tried not to think about it. The first time she'd walked into the police station she usually worked at she'd had a panic attack, and even when it had gotten better she still couldn't find comfort there anymore. Everyone understood and they'd given her basically worker's comp as she searched for a new job. They'd even helped her out. But it hadn't worked and she couldn't find any other real work there, so she was back in DC. The place wasn't tainted anymore, but Y/n did miss the small town feel. The real problem was that Y/n hadn't told anyone that she had moved back. She'd just told them she'd gotten a job at the diner.

"Very," Y/n lied. "I have to start in a few minutes actually. Mind if I call you tonight?"

"Oh of course," JJ assured. "I thought you started later."

Y/n chuckled. The woman had become a sort of comfort for her. "I appreciate the check up call," she said. "I'll tell you how it went later." JJ agreed and they ended the call and Y/n walked inside. It was as far from Y/n's dream as she could get. Well, maybe now as far from, but it was just a printing store. You came here to get your pictures printed from a  camera, or you faxed them and they printed here. Posters. Invitations. Anything. Y/n wore a polo shirt and khakis. She was going nothing great for this world, but at least she could pay rent.

The day was long and boring. Y/n was glad to be home, but not excited to call JJ about it. She hated lying and this one might require her to do it. She could just tell JJ she was back in town and working literally BLOCKS from everyone else but... then they might ask to hang out and that would bring her around to see Spencer again and that was what she REALLY wanted but also what she even more needed not to happen.

"Hey Y/n!" JJ greeted. "I'm so glad to hear from you."

"Just get off of work?" Y/n asked.

"Just gave Hotch a new case," JJ corrected, sighing. "It's going to be a rough one." She paused. "I kind of wish you were here. We could get coffee while they get ready." She chuckled.

It kind of came out when she said that. "I actually am." A long pause. "I- I couldn't find a job. I lived here before I moved away, so I moved back. Uh. I could meet you somewhere?"

"Sure," JJ said slowly, processing what Y/n had just said.

Y/n planted her face in her hand. "I'll explain over coffee, okay?" JJ agreed and they hung up. Y/n headed out, meeting her at the nearest coffee shop they'd both agreed on. When the two women saw each other, their smiles grew. They hugged and then they parted, went inside, ordered, and got a close by place that would let them talk without possibly missing their order. JJ didn't have a lot of time before they all left. "Did you tell anyone I'm back?"

JJ pursed her lips. "I got the feeling you didn't want anyone to know."

Y/n sighed, covering her face. "I adore you guys, it's nothing like that. I just-" she laughed nervously, feeling her emotions rising. "Did you know that when I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop?" She laughed, looking anywhere but JJ. "I can't even handle one run in with a bad guy, let alone hundreds. Thousands. I'm not-" Y/n cut off. She was about to say 'worthy'. Something she screamed at herself all the time. But she couldn't say that to JJ- that would lead to her finding out about five and a half years ago. "Strong enough." That would work. "And because of that, I quit a job I really loved. Not even that- I just couldn't work there anymore. Quit and fired leave the idea that anyone wanted me to leave." She scoffed at herself. "And now I'm at Shutterfly printing pictures and talking to practically no one ever, standing around and waiting for someone to ask for a picture or a poster or something. I'm-" she huffed.

JJ reached across the table, hand resting against Y/n's arm. "You are not weak." Her words were so firm and sure that Y/n had a hard time finding something to argue. What had she been so sure of a moment ago? "You were kidnapped by a psychopath, Y/n. You were almost killed. That's horrible. Even we struggle with it for a very long time when it happens to us. The only difference is that we're conditioned to it every day of our lives. The fact that it bothers you is a good sign. We're... numb to it. It's really bad actually." She flinches, sighing. "You SHOULD be upset by it."

Taking a breath to stabilize herself, Y/n nodded. "I just... feel pathetic. And I don't want them to see me like this." She stared at the table, tracing her finger along the design. If she was being honest, it was really that she didn't want Reid to see her like this. After all, she'd told JJ just fine. But she wasn't being honest. When she looked up and met JJ's gaze, though, it was clear she didn't have to be. I guess that's what you get when you talk to a professional profiler.

"Okay." Their orders were called and they got them, heading out. "If I can do anything for you, Y/n, you have my number." Y/n nodded, but didn't say anything more. JJ had an odd look in her eyes that made Y/n nervous. "I promise I won't tell him." Neither had to clarify who she was talking. "Promise, okay?" Y/n nodded again and they hugged before JJ headed off to kick some bad guy ass.

Y/n felt terrible watching her go.

- First Person POV -

"You did what?"

"I got you a job here!" She repeated, sounded ecstatic. I felt horrified, and after my tone she continued at a very quick pace, as if to explain herself. "I figure you can get some second hand experience and see if you really are into this sort of thing. I know a lot of people like the idea, but sometimes when they get into this line of work they learn pretty quickly it's not for them. And that's okay. I just- I mean, it's just like your last job. You'll be an assistant; helping with paperwork, keeping this moving and organized and helping everyone go home sooner. We could use another set of eyes watching our backs- Hotch and I try our best, but there's just too many of them, you know?" It was an attempt at a joke, but when I didn't laugh she continued talking. "Plus, working here gives you great insurance. You could put yourself through schooling, for whatever kind of job you find you like most here. You might like to be a technical analysis instead of a field agent, or you might prefer something like my job that allows you limited field or... whatever." JJ had never sounded nervous before, but Y/n hadn't had too much experience in seeing her nervous in a personal situation, rather than seeing her face press or having to keep everything together under pressure. It was kind of endearing. "I thought it would be nice to know what you're getting into before you do it. And..." She hesitated. "We miss you. I haven't told anyone like you asked, but Garcia is dying to meet you and everyone always talk about how much we wish you were around to lighten up the mood like last time we worked with you.” JJ sighed. "Honestly, Garcia tries her best but keeping things light around here is hard, and it's taking a huge toll on her. It would be so helpful if she had someone to bounce off of."

Y/n found herself smiling. If she could really make a difference... I mean, if the job wiped out all of those who did it, who would do the job, right? Someone had to watch the backs of those too busy watching the backs of others.

She would be working Spencer constantly, but she tried not to think about that. She'd barely survived two weeks- how would she manage sharing a career with him? But, how could she turn him down? Wasn't the whole point of pulling herself together and becoming a better person and getting her old habits bated so that Spencer Reid didn't control her life anymore? This was the opportunity she'd been waiting for her whole life. She had no real excuses- she just couldn't let him hold her back from living her life, especially when he wanted to do anything but. She'd almost allowed her awkwardness with him deprive her of really good friends, which would have left her far from where she was now with this job offer. She needed to take charge and get the fuck over herself.

"You know what JJ, I would absolutely love that."

An audible sigh of relief sounded on the other side of the receiver and Y/n chuckled. "I'm so glad to hear that. I... did talk to Hotch because he's the one who hired you, so I may have fibbed a little about not telling ANYONE else- but he's good at keeping secrets, and everyone else will be shocked when you start. Should I brace them or do you want to break that news in person?"

Y/n couldn't help it- she smirked. "How could I turn down such a dramatic entrance?"

"I thought you would say that." Just from the sound of JJ's voice, Y/n could tell both of them had matching curves to their lips. It was that which made Y/n feel so sure that this would be a great thing for her. It wouldn't even be a big deal, beside maybe the initial shock of it all. She just had to not over think it.

-

Walking into a precinct full of people who were trained to pick apart every person they run across until they get into their head and saw their bare soul hadn't been a thought that crossed Y/n's mind until she walked into the room after JJ's rather dramatic and mysterious introduction. All eyes turned to Y/n and she almost died right then and there because the confusion burning in their gazes demanded to be satiated, and it seemed they were trying to answer the questions themselves rather than just asking. Their gaze bore into her, making her uncomfortable and awkward.

"Guys," JJ reminded.

Morgan blinked first. He grinned, standing up and approaching Y/n. "Oh my gosh! I-" he cut off, his arms twitching. "Are you good with hugs?" Y/n nodded wordlessly. When was the last time she'd been hugged? By... Maya. Oh god let's not think about that. Morgan wrapped his arms around her and she let his warmth distract her from dark thoughts. He gave great hugs- it was easy. She'd missed that feeling, goodness.

Prentiss was next. "Okay so I need an explanation here." She was smiling though, and her tone was as light as her hand as she rested it on Y/n's shoulders. She liked how touchy the team was. It was only in that moment that Y/n realized she was hungering for physical touch.

Pushing those thoughts down, Y/n tried to aim a little better for normal. "I kind of lost my last job because every time I went into the... Well, being back there made me kind of..." she motioned with her hands, trying to explain. Her face went red. "It's hard to return to the place you were kidnapped from." She cleared her throat, but there was no judgement from the people around her, just understanding. That made her feel worse. "Well, it turns out that small towns aren't as much my thing when the only other jobs are really menial, so I moved back to Virginia. I lived here my whole life before moving out there." She shrugged. "I was looking for real work and mentioned it to JJ one day since we talk a lot. And she'd amazing, so here I am." Again everyone nodded, but this time they had smiles on their faces and JJ beamed with pride.

"Well," Rossi began, but he was cut off by someone.

"Everyone out of my way!" The crowd beginning to form around me parted for a pretty blonde girl who was... very loud. Not just like voice wise, but with what she wore as well. It made my heart more full. It was almost a relief compared to all the neutral grey and black and the occasional blue or something. "I am Penelope Garcia, and we're going to be spending a lot of time together so I thought I thought I should ask now, how are with sexual humor and platonic flirting because this is like super essential to my personality."

Y/n giggled and everyone seemed to perk up, especially Garcia. "I'm kind of awkward," Y/n admitted. "But you can do whatever you want. As long as you keep that pretty smile on your face."

Everyone's jaw dropped, and Y/n and Garcia both turned red. Y/n blushed because despite what she'd just said she really was awkward. Garcia blushed because after what Y/n had said, she hadn't expected to be flirted with, neither had she been flirted with by such a cute, innocent person. She was used to Derek who was unapologetically sexy. "Oh," the blonde noticed. "We're going to be GREAT friends."

"I really hope so," Y/n gushed sincerely. Everyone seemed to be cheery already, smiles all around.

Then Y/n saw Spencer. He approached slowly, seeming shy as he gently maneuvered through people to get to Y/n. "Hi," he greeted softly upon finally reaching a comfortable distance.

It was suddenly pin drop silent, and the lack of chatter seemed so heavy that Y/n winced, feeling her chest rage against it. "Hello." Y/n cleared her throat, hoping her burning face could be excused by her interaction with Garcia, where it had started. "So. Anything major happening today?"

JJ saw the cry of help and answered the call instantly. "We have a new case."

"Thank god," Spencer whispered, ducking his head and moving away from Y/n. She didn't think he'd meant for her to hear it, and the words hadn't seemed to hurt anyone else, so she let them roll off of her shoulders. He had seemed pretty happy to see her, if a little awkward. It was probably weird to see her so social when she was so stiff with him was all. And after how heavy the air had been, she was relieved to get away from it herself.

Was this going to be how it always was between them?

Goodness she hoped not.

One sip, bad for me; one hit, bad for me; one kiss, bad for me, but I give in so easily. And no thank you is how it should've gone. I should stay strong, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

- third person POV -

"Hey, G," Y/n greeted brightly, two cups of coffee in her hands. It had been a few days on her first case, and already she understood what JJ had meant by Garcia struggling to keep the mood light. The woman hated to frown, let alone be serious, and unfortunately for her the rest of the team was pretty stoic. Thankfully she could bounce off of Morgan, but now that she had Y/n who was as equally positive - if not as high energy - the two women had come up with lots of things to keep each other in good shape. Like dorky nicknames only they used, and being around each other a lot, and sharing food and drink suggestions. Y/n was usually the one to get them since her job made her feel rather useless since she didn't do much to make a difference, but she could reason to herself that keeping Garcia caffeinated was the best thing she could do for the team other than be out there with them directly.

"Hey, Lovergirl," Garcia piped cheerily. Y/n chuckled at the nickname. Ever since her flirting, they'd been nonstop back and forth in a much more innocent way than Garcia was with Morgan. The man and Y/n had jokingly fought over Garcia, but then she had made a joke about how she had two hands and it had ended there. The sort of pure back and forth had let Garcia giving her more innocent nicknames, like Sweetheart and Lovergirl, rather than Chocolate Thunder over there. Someone had asked if they were dating and they'd both fist bumped after having a laughing fit over it. Somewhere along the way Garcia had mumbled, 'Lovergirl wishes' and it had been making Y/n smile ever since. She'd never had a friend like this before and she was basking in it.

Unfortunately, the rest of the team wasn't having as good of a time.

"It's so good to hear your voice." It was Morgan, making Y/n smile even wider.

"Not as good as it is to hear yours," Y/n replied calmly. "How you doing, Batman?"

The smile was obvious in his voice. "Much better now that you're here." Y/n giggled then settled in next to Garcia. They got to business after that. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing you want to know," Garcia sighed. She tried to keep her tone casual but Y/n could tell she also didn't want to talk about it.

"Fair enough. Anything I can do to help the most beautiful woman in the world?" She asked instead. "Give me literally anything, otherwise I have to leave your amazing presence and then where would I be?"

Garcia was grinning again. Y/n felt proud. "There's actually a lot of that footage still left. I got distracted by what you gave me last time. Want to see if you can get anything else?" Y/n nodded, getting to work.

It took a few hours until she found something, but when she did, her heart stopped. She snagged her phone, dialing Reid immediately. He answered on the second ring. "Y/n?" He seemed surprised, but his tone pitched up like he was happy about it too.

Y/n was too preoccupied to think about it. "What the likelihood of winning gambles at chance games?"

"Well what kind of chance gamble? The odds of winning the Lottery are approximately one in fourteen-million, where a person has a one in three million chance of sighting a UFO. Funnily enough, that's almost five times more likely than winning the jackpot. You are more likely to die of a flesh eating disease at one in a million than winning the lottery."

"Spencer?" Y/n smiled to herself, not being able to stop him. He was adorable. She pushed that to the back of her mind, shaking her head to refocus as well as wipe the smile off of her face. "How often do people have a so called winning streak in gambling? Like in casinos." He paused and Y/n's eyebrows together. "Spencer?" And then she realized her mistakes and her eyes widened. "I- uh- Dr. Reid."

He sucked in air before responding in a rasping voice, "Some scientists  actually believe that luck streaks are real, continued by the fact that people just choose safer odds and then keep on that streak every time they... anyway, the point it, based on how smart you are, you could keep winning constantly."

A thought caught in Y/n's mind. "Have you ever lost a gamble?"

His answer was immediate and clueless. "I haven't, no. Why do you ask?"

Y/n tried not to laugh and managed a soft chuckle. "No reason. Uh-" She shook her head again. God, why couldn't she focus?! "I was looking through more of that footage we got where we saw the masked unsub walking in the shadows and looking for someone to kill. Well I was looking through the extra footage the casino gave us- remember the bonus hours they said nothing happened on, but they gave it to us just to give us more hours? To be annoying, because they were mad or whatever?" Spencer hummed. "Well, a man matching the masked attacker's height, weight, and wearing the same suit shows up the next day gambling. For nearly the entire day, and then he goes home with far more money than he came with and he hasn't lost a single game." Y/n paused, biting her lip. "Not even once the whole day."

Garcia's interest has peaked at this point. She's rolls her chair over, eyes scanning the moment Y/n's paused on on the screen. The footage is from an old camera, so Y/n doesn't even know if they can make out his face. But there he is. Facing the camera and everything. "He wore the same suit," she whispers, horrified.

"Do you think he's killing to increase his luck?" Spencer asked hurriedly.

"No," Y/n answered immediately. Only then did she realized he'd asked Garcia, but the blonde was looking at her to explain her answer so she shot off. "The day before, he was agitated. Today, he's calm. Not confident, but completely at peace. It's not like that one case you talked about where a guy went around killing people because he thought it brought him luck. I looked back on feed for that and he was reckless- almost drunk, high on confidence. This man... it's like he got a good night's rest."

Spencer paused. "How do you know about that case?"

"Oh well JJ made a comment about how this one was similar to that one so I got the file and looked into it. We have the footage and everything on file." She shrugged, then saw Garcia's look of shock. "Should... I have not done that?"

"No you're fine," Garcia voiced. "That's just really impressive catch up playing."

Y/n blushed. "I'm just doing my job." She cleared her throat. "I could be wrong, I just wanted your opinion-" she cut off, catching herself for a second. "Reid."

She could feel him nod, rather than see it since they were over the phone. "Thanks Y/n. I'll tell the others."

"Anything for you, Wonderboy," Y/n teased. The line went dead. She felt her stomach twist. She was trying to treat him like she did everyone else, but every flirt hit different when it was directed at him. Even such easily dismissed ones such as the one she'd just delivered. She could feel Garcia's eyes locked on her so Y/n busied herself with her drink until the blonde had to get back to work, boarding on already wasting time they didn't have.

For now, she had escaped questions but every day it got harder as people seem to take everything she said and looked into it so see the truth where she tried to hide it.

God help her.

-

Y/n slipped into the elevator. This case hadn't gone very well, ending with gun shots ringing through Garcia's phone and a long silence of unknowing whether it was for the unsub or for their friends. Turns out, it was a little of both. One for the unsub, one for none other than Dr. Spencer Reid himself. He'd lost a lot of blood before anything could be done and now he was in the hospital and the entire team had had to pry Y/n out of that room and to her house so she could get cleaned up a little after having gone straight from hours in the office, stressing about work, straight to hovering over his bed waiting for him to wake up for just as long.

Now she entered the room again, nodding to a waiting Prentiss. "They told me to come send you outside next." Hotch had been getting them home one by one, as each of the team had been as worried as Y/n. "JJ and Hotch have kids and Morgan's on Garcia duty to make sure she gets some food and rest. Have you eaten yet?" Prentiss stood, shaking her head. "I've got this, and Rossi said he might drop by to keep me company if he can't get to sleep. Please."

"Thank you," Prentiss whispered as she passed Y/n on her way out. There were frown lines on the edges of her eyes and a strain to her smile. "Don't stay too long. Sleeping here can't be good for your back." It was a weak joke- everyone knew the other girl wouldn't leave this room again until he was awake. And he would wake up. Prentiss caught Y/n's hand. "Hey, you know it wasn't your fault right?"

Y/n flinched. She had been the one to give Reid the information about the unsub. Morgan had been a little skeptical of her idea since she wasn't a profiler, and it had put an edge on everyone else too, even Hotch who was obviously trying not to be partial. The truth was though, Derek was more experienced than Y/n was. He was more familiar with the team and had their trust a lot more. They had said something about Reid being partial, but Garcia and JJ had been pretty convinced too. That didn't help Reid when he went the extra mile to prove to everyone Y/n was right though. That he trusted her for a real reason. That there was merit to her words and observations. It didn't help him when he went a different direction than the others because he had a gut feeling and Hotch encouraged him too. It didn't even help when he'd taken JJ with him, since she was the only other person who believed Y/n as much as Spencer did.

It didn't help him when he got shot on Y/n's hunch. Got shot with her on the phone, waiting on baited breath just to hear JJ freaking out on the other end.

It didn't help him now either, as he lay in a hospital bed.

Y/n looked away. "Yeah."

"I'm serious," Prentiss insisted. "At the time, it was fair for us to doubt you. We-" she cut off, choosing better words. "We shouldn't have, because you did your work like the rest of us. But you are new and untrained, so it was fair to have pause at first. But Reid, JJ, and Garcia all backed you up and we should have been there for that. We could all play the blame game. If we’d just listened to Reid and JJ. If we’d believed Garcia. If we had been more open minded about you... But that’s isn’t fair. It's no one's fault but the unsub's."

That was another thing. The man who had put Reid in the hospital was still out there, already all better and heading out to jail. His eyes were open and there had been a smile on his face when he was getting toted off. JJ had told Y/n while she was in shock. He was fine and Reid was in the hospital and Y/n sat there hating the whole thing. "Yeah," she repeated, because she didn't have the energy to fight herself on how she felt versus what she knew to be real.

Prentiss seemed to see that struggle and recognized that she couldn't get through to Y/n anymore than she already had. So she left and Y/n was there alone. She took back her old spot, where she'd been until a few hours ago. Where Prentiss had been sitting before she came back. Now she sat back down again and rested her elbow on the bed. It was itching into late mid morning and Y/n still hadn't slept. Her eyelids were dragging against her, demanding she rest. She tried to fight it, but eventually her head drooped more and more until it fell next to Spencer's limp arm and the world was lost to her as she fell asleep.

There was a sense of being watched that ripped her awake again. Her eyes shot open and her fingers curled around the sheets, her body going rigid. A pair of hands shot out to wrap around her tense fingers, pulling them away from the bed in an attempt to soothe her. She thought it was Rossi for a second until she sat up and looked over to see a weakly smiling but very awake Spencer. Y/n felt her chest shake as she sucked in a relieved breath.

"Hi," he croaked.

"You idiot." Tears were blurring her vision as she held herself back from punching him in the arm. He was hurt enough. "I oughtta sock you."

He laughed. He actually laughed, the ass. "You were right." He got a little more serious, the look in his eyes becoming soft and his smile being filled with pride rather than amusement. "He was about to kill someone when we came in. You saved a life, Y/n. Maybe even more, depending on how long it would have taken us to get him with where we were taking the case. The profile was just wrong enough he might have gotten a few more people before we stopped him."

That made Y/n relax. "I don't forgive you for getting shot."

Spencer's smile widened. "I'll do better next time."

"You better," Y/n warned. "Or I'LL put you in the hospital next time I swear to god Spencer." His eyes twinkled and Y/n swallowed. "Er, Reid."

He chuckled again. "I like when you call me Spencer. JJ does it too. It's nice."

Y/n tried not to internalize that. "Well if this is us becoming friends then I require you to have a personal nickname given to you by yours truly which only I use," Y/n warned him. After what he had done for her, standing up for her, she couldn't think of them as anything else. It was weird, as the words made her anxiety spike. Was she slipping again? Would these things lead to her obsession again? She wouldn't have to stalk him anymore- now she was right by his side, all alone. What if she was taking advantage of that situation? What would happen if he rejected her friendship? What if they got into an argument? What if his sudden interest in her was just that she was the new kid in town and it faded and they became casual acquaintances after a little while? What if... what if he met someone and that smile he wore now was for them instead?

Y/n felt jealousy twist her gut and she tried not to book it out of the room right then and there.

"I would love that."

Her eyes focused back on him and his smile seemed to waver, picking up on her mood change immediately. "Perfect," she whispered, struggling to speak around the sensation that could only be described as feeling like her ribs crushing into her lungs and heart. She had to blend in though. She couldn't be awkward with Spencer. They were already looking too closely at her. She had to stay calm and keep her distance, but not so much that people noticed and started asking questions. This job meant too much to her she had to get it under control. "How do you feel about Pence?" Her fingers fiddled with each other and his eyes caught the moment immediately. She forced the energy to move to her feet instead, softly tapping where he could not see. "Hm?"

Only then did he answer the question, when she tried to pull his attention away from her body language and to what she had said instead. His eyes stayed trained on her, but he offered a casual, "Whatever you want to call me. I've heard you calling Garcia 'G' and I think that's neat. I've never really had a nickname other than Spence."

"You're right," Y/n mumbled, focusing her mind on the task at hand rather than her pathetic need to be as close to Spencer as possible, in every way she was allowed. GOD she was insane. But that wasn't the concern right now. Right now she needed to think about a nickname for Spencer. "That's too similar. What about just Pen?"

His smile returned and Y/n felt herself relax. "Isn't that Penelope's nickname?"

"We don't use it often, and now people have started to gravitate towards G because I'm a genius and it's way cooler." Spencer grinned and Y/n felt her chest squeeze even tighter. He was beautiful... BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO FOCUS ON! "I can think of something else-"

"No I love it," Spencer rushed.

It was Y/n's turn to chuckle.  "I may slip into calling you Penny and you can't judge me for that."

Spencer's fingers brushed hers and she yanked her hand away, seizing up. He seemed to have something suddenly foul tasting in his mouth, but he managed, "I wouldn't ever judge you."

Those words. Oh god. She stood. "I'll get the nurses. Tell them you're awake. You need to eat something." She was gone before he could respond, leaving him confused and alone in her awake.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that.

"Pick up," Y/n spat through a locked jaw to the ringing tone she was hearing. It had wrung too many times. She had called him so much and he hadn't answered once. She knew she wasn't paying him to be her therapist anymore, but he had said they were friends. To call him if she needed someone who understood to give her encouragement, or just to catch up. Why wasn't he answering?!

"Y/n?"

Relief flooded her body. "Michael." Her tense body relaxed all at once and it was so nice she almost toppled over. Someone stared at her and she waved at them awkwardly before turning away and hoping they minded their own business. "Michael I'm losing my mind."

He was quiet for a second. "Talk to me."

Y/n ran through everything that had happened since that first day in her old office when Spencer and his team had first entered her life for real, all up until the hospital visit a few nights ago and how she had been avoiding him ever since. "It's coming back, Kel. BAD. I can't get him out of my head, and every time he gets anywhere near my body gets all tingly. I DREAMT about him last night. He keeps touching me and it's like I'm getting struck by lighting. And then he said my name and my chest gets all crushed up again and I want to know everything about him and be around him all the time and GOD I'm so scared that I'm going to end up like one of these psychotic unsubs. I don't want to quit. I LOVE my job. But if I'm doing it again-"

"Y/n, take a breath. You're forgetting to breathe when you talk again." She paused, forcing herself to intake and exhale air so her body wouldn't seize up. One time she'd talked so much about Spencer that she'd stopped breathing and had fully passed out. It was pathetic and she hated herself for it, but it had happened. "Now, I need you to really think about these questions before you answer them okay?"

"Okay," Y/n encouraged.

"Have you taken pictures of him without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n flinched at the memory of burning the shoe boxes, but was relieved to be able to say, "No."

"Have you followed him anywhere without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n confirmed again, a little confused. "I don't have to, we work together."

Michael ignored the comment. "Have you learned personal information about him without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n said slowly after thinking about it. She'd learned plenty of things, but she'd avoided it as much as possible for this very reason.

"Have you watched him in anyway without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n considered that. "No," she finalized, nodding to herself. "I- well I stare at him sometimes from across the room. Is that bad?"

Michael actually laughed. "Not necessarily." he paused, letting Y/n calm down with that reassurance. "How would you feel if Spencer told you he was dating someone tomorrow?"

That familiar icky gut twist returned as she thought about it. "Terrible." The word was heavy with mourning. It had slipped out immediately without her meaning to say it, so she hadn't been able to even sugar coat the response.

There was a fat pause where Michael was quiet, but he spoke again before Y/n's anxiety could get her to say something or voice her panic. "What about if he showed up with a pet, or a family member that he was close to?"

Well what an odd question. "I wouldn't care."

A smile wrung in Michael's voice when he spoke again. "Does he have someone he's as close to or closer to than you?"

"Well he's really good friends with JJ and Morgan."

"How do you feel about them?"

Y/n frowned. "I really like JJ. She actually got me this job and has been the most helpful in helping me get settled, other than Garcia. But... Morgan seems to have some trepidation about me. He liked me at first but then one day he started to get really short with me and started to try and convince everyone that I'm like not fit for this job or something."

"And that's why only JJ and Spencer went after the unsub, right?"

"Yeah," Y/n agreed. "Why is this important, Kel?"

A short pause this time. "Y/n I don't think you're old tendencies are back." That stunned her.

"But I'm doing all the same things."

"You're actually not," Michael argued. "And even when things overlap, like the watching and getting to know him, it's not for the same reasons. You're naturally forming a relationship rather than living out a fantasy that he's not apart of in reality. Do you remember the last time I asked you about Spencer having a pet or a partner?"

Y/n flinched again, but much worse. "Yeah," she mumbled, covering her face.

"What did you tell me?" Michael asked softly.

Y/n's eyes watered. "I told you they made me angry. That I..." She closed her eyes. "That I wanted to get them out of the way from me being with him."

"And what did you tell me just now when I asked again?" There was regret in his voice, but that was obviously from bringing up the terrible memories of the past. There was something else too. Urgency. He wanted Y/n to understand something, but it seemed to be going over her head.

"Uh... I told you it made me sad."

"Why does it make you sad, Y/n?"

She thought about that. "Because he wouldn't look at me anymore. He gets this really soft look in his eyes when he looks at me. Like I have something important to him but he trusts me with it completely. Or like he admires me or looks up to me. It makes me feel really good about myself." She chuckled sheepishly, wincing. "That's probably silly." She didn't pause before continuing, and Michael didn't try to interrupt her or respond, knowing how she got when she spoke about Spencer. "When he touches me, it's really gently, like I might break or like he's shy. I-" she snorted. "I think that's because he's a germaphobe."

That caught Michael's attention. "He's a germaphobe?"

"Yeah," Y/n sighed. "He won't even shake people's hands, and he washed them a lot when he's stressed. He rarely even accepts hugs from the others so I haven't offered, even when he was in the hospital. But that's also probably because I'm pretty sure I'm literally crazy."

"You're not crazy," Michael said first. Y/n smiled a little. It was very reminiscent of the times he had helped her out of the darkest place she'd ever been. Made her feel safe when she thought she was a walking crime scene waiting to happen. He had been her best friend for so long... why had she stopped calling him? "Y/n?" She hummed, letting him know she was listening. "He refuses handshakes and is afraid of germs and is even hesitant to take hugs from people who are practically his family from what you say, but even though you've guys only really known each other well for a little over a week, he's already willing to touch you?"

Now that he mentioned it, that was rather odd. She hadn't considered it before. "I... yeah, I guess."

The smile was back when he spoke again. "Y/n last time we talked about him, you couldn't even say his name without gripping something so hard your knuckles turned white. Now you talk about him like it's a relief to say it. Before he brought you stress and angst and wanting, but now he brings you peace and happiness and a feeling of belonging. You feel sad at the prospect of losing him in any way, rather than angry. Usually when obsessive people who stalk their targets see them with someone else, they get angry. Normal people get sad."

Y/n tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry. Her eyes were wide with fear. A fear that was so different from but still just as bad as the thought of her fears of seeing herself being obsessed with Spencer Reid. Because if she wasn't obsessed... "What are you trying to say?" Her words begged him not to say it.

He did anyway. "Y/n, I don't think you're possessive or obsessed with him." He spoke slowly, every word filling her body with more and more dread. "I think you have feelings for him, but not bad ones. Normal ones. I think you like him, like people like each other. Like, want to date him like him."

"Oh god," Y/n whispered. "I- I'll call you later okay Michael?" He sighed and hummed, so she rushed to explain. "I swear I will. For real this time. I can't thank you for everything you've done for me but-"

"You're panicking," he realized. "I completely understand. Please don't do anything stupid, okay? These feelings are normal and perfectly okay."

"Yeah," Y/n whispered, nodding even though he couldn't see her. They exchanged a tentative farewell and then she lowered her phone, running a hand through her hair. "Well," she whispered, staring at the ground like it was about to open up and swallow her whole. "Guess it's time to quit my job."

-

Tag List: @ajwantsapancake @urie-bowie-mercury

[themanicmagician]

Shipwrecked [3/4]

[AO3]

Summary: When Redd’s boat crashes upon the shore of Bastion Island, Tom reluctantly takes him in while he recovers. Tom despises Redd for his past deceit, but when he has no choice but to spend time with him, Tom is reminded why he fell in love with the wily fox in the first place.

“What is this supposed to be?”

Tom eyed the frilly cocktail Redd had pushed into his hand. It was a swirl of blue and seafoam green, complete with a tiny toothpick umbrella spearing a pineapple wedge.

“Vacation Juice.”

“But we’re not on a—”

“It’s just a name. You’ll like it, trust me.”

Tom took a small sip. It tasted like pears. Very, very sugary pears. He couldn’t even taste the alcohol. As he took a second, larger sip, Redd said: “Told you you’d like it.”

Tom rolled his eyes, not gracing Redd with a response. He swallowed another mouthful of the “juice” as he glanced around the bar. It wasn’t one of their typical haunts. Drinking out in the city was always expensive, so they tended towards establishments with long, generous happy hours, and cheap brews to go along with. The bar they were in now—Tom had already forgotten the name—was a touch fancier. The drinks were all cocktails with themed names. The drinks were served in small portions, and the prices were obscene, but they were celebrating, after all. They could splurge, just a little, just tonight.

The bar was miraculously uncrowded. Tom and Redd had even managed to secure a corner table all for themselves. The lighting was dim, intimate. They were surrounded mostly by other couples, each pair focused on each other rather than a game on TV.

This was Tom’s third drink in under an hour, and he was getting to that pleasant, loose phase of drunkenness. He watched Redd swallow, observed the slow bob of his throat as he drank. He was struck by a bolt of desire. He wanted to trace the movement with his tongue. Tom shifted on his stool.

Redd’s cell phone rang. He fished it out of his pocket. His cool demeanor slipped, his eyes widened in alarm.

“It’s the landlord for the building!” He told Tom before he hurriedly took the call. “Hi! Phil, how’s it going? No, no it’s not a bad time at all.”

Redd hunched down, pressing the phone close to his ear to listen over the booming music.

“...Really? Oh—Oh no, that’s not a problem at all.”

Redd’s expression twisted briefly in distress. Tom’s stomach lurched with sudden, strong anxiety. What was the landlord saying? It was maddening, only being able to hear half of the conversation. He leaned closer, but could barely hear the tinny voice coming from Redd’s phone.

“Of course. I’ll get it to you tonight. Yes. You too. Ciao.”

Redd hung up, and sighed. When he didn’t immediately launch into an explanation, Tom blurted: “Well?”

Redd combed a paw through the fur on his head with agitation. It made his sleek fur stick up at odd angles, but Redd didn’t seem to notice, or care.

“The landlord, he got another offer on the store. Says if we still want it we’ll have to pay the first six months—up front.”

Tom swallowed, throat suddenly dry. He downed the rest of his Vacation Juice.

“I have some money put away, but not nearly enough for all that time.” Redd frowned. “But if I don’t get it to him tonight, we lose the place.”

“Well, how much is six months’ rent?”

“Everything included—all the fees, insurance, utilities and everything—it’ll be 200,000 bells. And I already went and spent most of my money getting us the stock. I can’t get a refund now.” He laughed, the sound sharp and bitter. “We’ll have all this furniture and nowhere to put it.”  

“How much do you need?”

“Tom, I couldn’t—”

“Redd. We’re partners, right? How much do you need?”

The fox shifted on his stool.

“...It’s too much to ask of you.” Redd mumbled, eventually.

“Redd.”

“Fine, fine. I only have about 15k bells left in my account right now.”

Tom brought out his own phone. It took a few clumsy tries for him to unlock it. He had just enough in his account to cover the remainder, built up from the months of pitching and selling ideas to businesses. This would drain nearly all of Tom’s savings, but it was an investment. It was worth it. Besides, they’d make it up and then some when their store opened.

“I can transfer it over right now.” Tom smiled. “Though I’m afraid we’ll have to switch to ramen and tap water for a while.”

“I could kiss you.” Redd said.

“What’s stopping you?”

After a sloppy kiss that tasted of pears and apples, Tom drained his account for the deposit. Redd called Phil back to confirm the transfer was a success. Once the landlord confirmed, Redd pulled Tom from the bar, hand in hand. They couldn’t really afford to buy more fancy cocktails, but there was a full bottle of sake at home, calling their name.

~*~

Tom awoke with a thunderous headache. He groaned, pinching two fingers to the ridge of his nose. He warily opened his eyes a few centimeters, then slammed them shut again. Nausea churned in his gut. He took a moment to just lay there, and prayed for his insides to stop revolting. How much had they had to drink last night? It was a blur. Tom had been feeling buzzed already from the cocktails and then the sake had gone and punched straight holes through his memory. He remembered snatches of moments, of sensations. Raking his paws through Redd’s fur, feeling the corded muscles beneath as they shifted. The sweet taste of Redd’s mouth on his, the triumph of finally marking up that exposed throat. The way that Redd, always so perfect and composed, became a stuttering, breathy mess as they made love. Then, a whole lot of nothing.

“Redd?” Tom moaned feebly. The fox handled his liquor a thousand times better than he did. He could entreat his partner to get up and fetch him some water. He flailed out blindly, reaching, but his hand encountered no fox.

Tom opened his eyes again, with heavy reluctance. He was alone in the bed. He swept his paw over the sheets. They were cool.

Tom spilled clumsily over the side of the bed to reach his pants, which were in a crumpled heap on the bedroom floor. He rooted around in his pockets until he found his phone. The time blared at him, like a condemnation: 10:05 a.m. For someone that normally got up for the day at 6, it was sacrilege.

Standing upright was a mistake. Dizziness and nausea slammed into him immediately. He barely made it to the bathroom before he was puking. He hadn’t really had much to eat yesterday, so all that came up was stringy bile. He flushed the mess down and rested his head for a minute against the cool bathroom cabinet.

He was surprised Redd hadn’t come to investigate, considering the amount of noise Tom was making.

“Redd?” He croaked.

There was no reply.

Tom sat for a moment more, until he was certain he wouldn’t neat the toilet again. He levered himself upright, bracing himself on the sink.

He shuffled out of the bathroom, and went into the area comprised of their kitchenette and living room. Redd was still nowhere to be found. And there was something...off. It took him a moment, and then he realized: Redd’s stuff was missing. His artwork that’d been scattered around, his books, they were gone. Tom checked their bedroom. Tom’s things were neatly folded in the drawers, but there was an empty gap where Redd’s clothes had once been.

Had something happened to Redd? Heart pounding with confusion and fear, he dialed Redd’s number. The call went straight to voicemail. He called again; same result.

After the beep, he left a message, his voice audibly shaky. “H-Hey, it’s Tom. Call me when you get this, alright? Let me know you’re okay.”

Tom returned to the living room, and paced anxiously until his attention was caught by a white envelope. It was resting on the floor, by the front door. Someone must have slipped it underneath.

The envelope was addressed to Redd, but Tom broke the seal anyway, hoping whatever was inside would provide answers.

Inside was a final eviction notice.

According to it, Redd was three months past due on rent, and had until the end of the week to move out his stuff before it was thrown out by management.

Tom was breathing fast, now. It felt like the walls were closing in on him. This didn’t make  sense. Redd had afforded this apartment for years before Tom had moved in. And as soon as Tom began making money he contributed half of the rent. He gave the bells over to Redd and assumed he’d take care of it. Redd had money before they’d poured most of their shared earnings into their store, so why—?

The eviction notice was starting to crumple in his shaking grip. He set it aside on the kitchen island.

He needed to find Redd. He needed to talk to him. There was probably some simple explanation for all of this that Tom just couldn’t see right now. Redd would explain, would tease him for getting all worked up about nothing. Or, or maybe this had been premeditated. Maybe he’d taken Tom’s money for months and then—

Tom yanked on his pants, and a shirt, and dashed out of the apartment. Redd wasn’t home, but there was one other place he might be at this hour.

Tom ran to their store. Animals gave him odd looks as he passed them, but he paid them no attention. He wasn’t built for running, especially not over long distances. He was soon panting and wheezing, sweat slicking his shirt to his back, but he didn’t slow. The walking sign switched to a red hand but Tom kept running, ignoring the resultant yells and curses spat at him from nearby cars as they were forced to swerve around him.

He reached the store at last—and his heart dropped to his stomach. The entire area was roped off. There were large heavy construction machines, including a crane with a wrecking ball at the end of it.

Tom ducked under the tape and tried to run inside, but was grabbed by one of the construction workers.

“Hey, hey!” The bulldog barked. “You crazy? You can’t go in there, they’re about to bust it down.”

“That’s my store!” Tom yelled. “What are you doing, that’s my property!”

“This place has been foreclosed on for over a year now.” The worker replied, bewildered. “It’s been slated for demolition. Gonna squeeze another high-rise in there.”

“But—But—”

The key in his pocket was freshly cut. If the place had been abandoned, it would’ve been relatively simple for Redd to install a new lock on the place. To add a layer of credibility to the entire request, to allow Tom to hope.

Tom was no longer resisting, so the bulldog released his grip on Tom’s shirt.

“You should step back, kid. It’s going to get real dusty here in a minute.”

He threw one last perplexed look at Tom before he rejoined his crew members.

Tom retreated behind the tape, and watched as the wrecking ball swung out, and smashed the front of the building inwards. His eyes watered, then, but not from the resultant dust.

~*~

He didn’t return to the apartment. He didn’t want anything they’d shared, or that would remind him of Redd.

He walked to the train station in a daze, only pausing to chuck his apartment and store keys in the trash.

Tom didn’t have much remaining in his account, but Redd had at least left him enough to purchase a one-way ticket back to his hometown. The train was the same make and model as the one that’d brought him here, six months ago.

Tom sat at a free window seat, and rested his cheek against the window. The glass was a bit smudged and sticky, likely from a child’s hands, but Tom left his head where it was.

The train came alive with a jolt. Soon the skyscrapers gave way to houses. Gradually, the houses became further and further spaced out, and the forest grew denser. He drank in the sight of green foliage greedily, like a man given water after days in the desert. He hadn’t realized, until now, how much he hated the gray of steel, the tan of concrete, the black of asphalt.  

The train stopped intermittently. Tom did not pay attention to the conductor’s voice over the loudspeaker, as his was the very last stop on the line.

“Hey, do you mind if I sit next to you?”

It took half a moment for Tom to recognize that he was being spoken to. He pulled his gaze sluggishly away from the window. A blue and white cat stood there, smiling down at him, seemingly unperturbed by Tom’s dour mood. Tom shrugged, not really caring what the cat did. He slid into the seat beside Tom.

“I’m Rover.” He beamed. Tom wanted to grab him by the shoulders, shake him, scream that it wasn’t fair, how dare he smile like that when Tom had been through hell.

“...Tom.” He admitted, eventually, in the expectant silence.

“Pleasure. So, where you headed?”

“Home.”

He understood it now. He wasn’t meant for city life, for a place that cradled you when you could provide it value, then dropped you into the dirt after.

“Took a day trip to the city, eh?”

Tom grunted.

“What a place! Fun to visit now and again, but I’d never live there, personally.”

“Me neither.” Tom agreed.

Rover filled the trip with largely one-sided chatter until he hopped off, three stops before Tom’s.

“Safe travels, friend! I’m sure we’ll meet again someday.”

Tom mustered up a wave for him.

The train pulled into its final station a little after noon. Hardly anyone was left on the train. As Tom left the station, he passed a few elderly couples, some younger animals psyching themselves up for a nature hike.

There weren’t cabs this far out, so Tom walked. It reminded him somewhat of his first day in the city, fraught as it was with exhaustion and confusion as he plodded down street after street. At least this time he walked with certainty. Starved of entertainment as a child, he’d explore the entire town enough times he could navigate it blind.

He wasn’t surprised to discover nothing had changed here. He hadn’t been gone that long, all told, and change came at a glacial pace in his hometown. There were the same trees, unchanging storefronts. Though he supposed there was perhaps a bit more peeling paint on the general store sign than the last time he’d seen it. The store had been owned by Gran Bluebell since before Tom was a kit. It was no great shock she didn’t bother with touching up the hard to reach sign at her age.

People recognized him. Welcomed him. Assumed he was just here for a visit. Tom smiled at them, and exchanged pleasantries but no meaningful information on his side. Humiliation burned his face like a hot brand. He could hardly admit to himself that he’d failed, let alone to them. They’d sympathize, express their condolences—but past their commiserating veneer would be a sick kind of satisfaction. I knew you’d never make it out there. You thought you were better than us? Smarter? We’re all stuck here in this town for a reason.  

Had the city soured his optimistic, rosy view of others? Perhaps it had. Could he truly be blamed, though? With pessimism, you expected the worst out of others. You could never be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.

At length, Tom reached his destination. It was a house on the end of the row. One story, cream-colored. The doorbell had stopped working years ago, so Tom rapped on the door. He heard the shuffle of feet over wood, and then the door creaked open.

Sable’s eyes widened. She shut the door again to unhook the chain lock, and then threw it wide open. Tom could see a slice of the kitchen from his current vantage point. Mabel was strapped into her highchair, gleefully smashing peas into paste on the tray in front of her, babbling nonsense. Label was peering at him with large, dark eyes, half-hidden behind the frayed couch.

“Tom, what are you doing here?” Sable swept a critical eye over him, noting his lack of luggage.

Tom saw telltale signs of strain in his friend’s features. The circles beneath her eyes, the unkemptness of her quills, the stains, fresh and old on her apron. He shouldn’t bother her with his problems. But he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

“Tom?”

She cupped his chin, lifted his head up so he met her gaze.

“What happened?”

Tom broke. He surged forward, wrapping Sable in a tight embrace. Sable hesitated only the briefest moment before she encircled her arms around him, stroking his back soothingly.

“Sable,” He choked out.

“It’s okay now.” Her tone was soothing and soft. “Let it out.”

He buried his head in her shoulder, and wept.

~*~

Tom was rooted in place. Redd was gone, again. Without a trace, without a word.

He was being stupid. He was overreacting. Where could Redd go, really? The island wasn’t that large.

He knew this, logically, and yet his heart was pounding like a drum, his paws, clammy. He couldn’t help the irrational fear that history was repeating itself.

He managed to break through the panic which had seized him to return downstairs. He entered the Cranny. Timmy and Tommy swiveled away from their conversation with Fang.

“Have you seen Redd?” Tom blurted.

The twins shook their heads in unison, but the old wolf scrunched up his forehead in thought.

“The little red fella?” Fang rumbled. Tom nodded. “Think I saw him on my way in. Headed northwards, cha-chomp.”

“Should we look too?”

“...too?”

“No, boys. Mind the shop. I’ll find him.”

Tom waited until he was out of sight of anyone inside the store before he broke into a jog. He crossed over the bridge that connected the main swatch of Bastion to the smaller crescent of land to the north. Alex had left most of this land to the wilds. There was a grove of multicolored hyacinths, encircled by pear trees. Bastion’s lighthouse was posted on the edge of the water. There was no other sign of civilization out here—save for Flurry’s house.

Tom hurried up to the house, and was about to knock when the door swung open. Redd was exiting, a new book tucked under his arm. Flurry was behind him, wringing her tiny paws.

“You’re sure I can’t carry it for you?” She fretted.

“The book weighs more than you do. I can handle it, no problem.”

Redd was facing Flurry; he hadn’t seen Tom yet. He was speaking in that tone of voice, the same one he’d had with the boys, before Tom interrupted. Something soft, kind.

Then Redd turned to see Tom, and the gentle look on his face vanished, replaced by something charming and fake.

“Come to escort me home? How gentlemanly of you, Mr. Nook.” Redd batted his eyelashes obnoxiously. Flurry giggled.

Tom gave a short nod to the hamster before she shut the door. Tom waited until they were in the hyacinth field, far enough away from Flurry’s house, to speak.

“You can’t just—just leave without telling me.”

Redd snorted. “I’m not one of your adopted kiddos.” A thought seemed to occur to him, and with some annoyance, he added, “What, you can’t trust me to be on my own, is that it? Think I’m always up to no good?”

“You’re hurt and you don’t know the island. You can’t just go off on your own.”

“Please, Tom. Don’t bother with all this. You don’t care about me, you’ve made that perfectly clear.”

“That’s not what I—you’re so—!” Tom clamped his mouth shut. He took a deep breath, which didn’t do as much to calm him as he would have liked. “I’m sorry. I overreacted. You were just gone, and I panicked.”

Tom was surprised as that seemed to set Redd off. “Oh, panicked, did you? How do you think I felt when you left New Leaf, without telling me? I had to hear it from Chadder—Chadder, of all people!—that you’ve just run off to some deserted island, on your own. There are tarantulas out here, Tom. Tarantulas!”

“And scorpions,” Tom added, helpfully. Redd glowered at him. “I was expanding my business into travel. Not that you’d know anything about innovation.”

“You learned all you know from me!”

“Hardly!” Tom scoffed. “I taught myself everything after you stole from me. My first shop was made out of scrap metal and wood from the dump, and look at me now. Whereas you, Redd,” He jabbed the fox in the chest. “You just jump from one scam to the next, and don’t care who you hurt in the process.”

Redd flinched back. “I’m not. I’m not like that anymore. I—look. I might have. Lied. Before.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.” Tom said, waspishly.

“Guess I deserve that one.” Redd shifted his weight uneasily. “I’m talking about the art. It is real, like I said. Spent almost every bell I got to acquire it all. But I wasn’t planning to scam anyone with it. I wasn’t going to go island to island to sell people replicas. I just wanted to come here. Where you are.”

Tom’s ire drained, supplanted by confusion. He said nothing, and Redd took that as permission to continue.

“I was going to swing by once a week. Give a new piece of art to that human kid every time, because I know Blabbers—”

“Blathers.”

“—would want them all displayed in his museum. And over time, you’d get used to seeing me around. And there’d be no stories about fakes for you to hear. And maybe you’d…” Redd sighed. He looked up at Tom with an earnestness the raccoon had never seen from him before. “I scammed a lot of guys before you. A lot of them were like you—new to the city, hopelessly clueless, grateful for any scrap of guidance. But you were different. I...I do regret what happened between us. What I did to you. It still haunts me.”

“So why did you?” Tom asked, softly. “You know that I loved you.”

Redd’s face twisted in anguish. “I did know. I hate myself every day for ruining what we had. And the worst part is I can’t tell you why I did it. A part of me, a big part of me, didn’t want to. But it was what I’d always done. I didn’t grow up in a nice place, or in a nice home. I learned how to con, how to lie and cheat and survive. I learned how to take care of myself, because no one else was going to. And then you came along, and you didn’t want to use me, and you were clever, and wanted us to be partners, equals. You thought I could be that for you, that I could be up at as high a level as you are, and, and it scared me. It made me think that maybe I didn’t have to be that way anymore. I didn’t have to trick anyone ever again. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t change. I couldn’t make the leap. I fell into old habits, because they were secure, because I knew I could rely on the results. I knew I’d hurt you, but I did it anyway. Because I didn’t trust you, and I didn’t trust myself.”

Tom felt as if his heart was breaking again, but in a different way. Redd’s confession was a raw, sad thing.

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it. But I’m a selfish bastard, and I...I still want you in my life. In whatever way you’ll have me.”

There was a long silence between them. The hyacinths swayed gently around them in the cool sea breeze.

Redd had hurt Tom deeply. On one level, Tom did forgive him. Redd had suffered the consequences of his actions. He’d gained money, but he’d lost Tom’s affections, lost the chance for an honest living. On another level, Tom could not open his heart fully to the fox again. Redd claimed that he had changed, and he certainly seemed repentant. But they would remain only acquaintances, perhaps friends, at the most. He simply could not trust Redd to the extent he had in the past, and he doubted he ever would.

“What book did Flurry give you?”

“What? Oh.” Redd blinked. He checked the title. “Bark Antony and Kleopawtra.”

“Perhaps you could read it aloud to the kids, tonight. They’d like that.”

A tentative smile spread slowly across Redd’s face.

He accepted the olive branch.

“Fine, but you’re voicing Bark Antony.”

The pair of them returned to the Cranny, walking shoulder to shoulder.

[scarletfish]

don’t worry, you will

Summary: Two weeks ago, Juno was engaged. Now he's quarantined with a complete stranger who can't operate a microwave and has no sense of personal space.  And they were quarantined (oh my god, they were quarantined!)

Pairings: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, background Vespa/Buddy in future chapters Word Count: 3000 Chapters: 1/5 Warnings: canon-typical alcohol abuse, depression AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24016468/chapters/57779629

A/N: Thanks @space-city-traffic for the prompt, and @pipis-pods for the suggestion that Juno and Vespa communicate and become friends 

Chapter 1

Diamond paid you $1520 . Your Venmo balance is now $1520.  

Fiancee. Rent. They’re the first and last things on Juno’s mind. He realizes he’s been sitting in the parking garage for over ten minutes, idling and staring at the alert on his cracked phone screen. He turns the car off.

His car with a long crack in the windshield. Everything is goddamn broken. He gets out of the car, pauses. Gets back in the car.

This calls for a detour.

***

Twenty minutes later, Juno is ready to take his newly acquired liquor to his room so he can introduce it to his newly acquired headache, but he still has one more stop to make.

Hyperion Apartment Complex twists eight stories high, and the tacky light grey brick facade is almost reflective at night. Semi-nice rooms in a mostly bad part of town. Hyperion city makes cheap look beautiful, the way fast-food commercials brush up plastic meat with shoe polish and glue. Diamond had always hated it.

Juno shoulders into the leasing office with two large grocery bags. The front desk is empty, and everything is fading or peeling. He rings the bell and sits on a peely, faded chair to wait. Might as well put the whisky to good use.

Taking a swig, he looks out the floor-length windows to the filmy outdoor pool. (Rita swears security fished a body out of it a couple years ago. Juno told her she needs to stop watching so much Law and Order.) For the hundredth time, he wonders if this is even worth it. She's going to ask questions, it's inevitable, and he doesn't know how to answer them. Doesn't know the answers himself.

He starts poking holes in the plastic grocery bags with his thumbnail. Takes another swig. Then a couple more-

“Boss!” Rita bobs into view with her tablet in hand, Cheeto dust on her bright purple jacket.

Since the police force scandal, Juno runs a small PI business from a shitty downtown office, which is where he met Rita. To this day Juno’s not sure how or when she wormed her way into a position he wasn't even offering. He’s also not sure when she sleeps. As far as he knows, the part time leasing office representative is her third job- she also does... something with computers.

“Rita,” swig, “I need a favor.” The shorter woman has already started talking, anticipating their usual back and forth.

“And I know I ain’t supposed to call you that here, but you are my boss, and I don’t think my other bosses-- wait, huh?” Confused by the change in script, Rita eyes the half-empty bottle of whisky in Juno’s hand. Her eyes jump to the clock.

“Mista Steel, are you okay?” One pro of hiring Rita: she’s very perceptive. Con of hiring Rita: way too perceptive.

“Fine. I need you to check someone out for me.” Rita’s eyes immediately light up.

“Oooooh, boss, another case already? Is it gonna be as exciting as the one with Mista Prince Julian? Are we gonna get to travel? I’ve always wanted to go somewhere exotic, like Maine, or Florida-” Juno cuts her off before she can get going.

“He was a dramatic politician with a cheating husband who ended up dead, Rita. Not everything is a Netflix rom-com.”

There's a bitterness in his tone that might not have been there a week ago, but the smaller woman doesn't notice. She's already sunk into her desk chair, head propped in both hands, sighing dreamily as she swivels back and forth. Time to bring out the big guns.

Juno reaches into his shopping bag and pulls out the chips, dangling them in front of Rita’s heart eyes. She snatches. He raises them just out of reach.

“Focus. It’s not a case. There’s this guy I need you to find. I’ve got name and place of employment. Can you do it or not?”

Rita pouts. “But boss,” she whines, “you don’t even need me for that, you can just Google his name like I showed you. I thought we were gonna do something exciting.” Juno pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, well, Google isn’t gonna cut it this time, because,” I wasn’t really paying attention when you showed me that, “because, he’s highly secretive. And, that’s potential name. And potential place of employment, my source isn’t very,” he almost chokes on this last word, “reliable .”

The gears start turning. “Secretive… hang on Boss, is this another high-profiler? Have you been holding out on me?” She lowers her voice (not much). “Boss, this is about a case, right, you just can’t tell me because they might have tapped the phones!?”

What… who does she think they are? Juno drops his head into his hands to rub his temples. When Juno doesn't immediately contradict her, Rita continues in her stage whisper.

“Don’t worry Boss, Rita’s got your back! I’ll have this secretive criminal tracked down before they even know we’re on their case!”

“It’s not a case.”

“I’ll be as quiet as… as those monsters in The Quiet Place! Except they ain’t so quiet when they’re attacking people, but neither are we when we’ve got the bad guys cornered and we’re ready to take them out-”

Besides the recent political debacle with Julian and his missing husband (that one was a high-paying scrap tossed Juno’s way by an old friend), most of the cases he’s hired for are affair investigations and insurance fraud.

He’s certain neither he nor Rita have “taken anyone out” ever ... unless you count that time he tried to teach Rita to drive stick shift. Or the Hot Tub Debacle. But those were accidents.

Juno slings the bag of snacks onto her desk. “Just find out whatever you can about the guy, okay?”

“Fresh shrimp flavored?” Rita squeals, “Aw, you’re the best Mista Steel!” She digs into the large bag and talks around a mouthful of orange crumbs while Juno tries not to vomit in his mouth.

“Shipping ish ‘aking fore’er wi’ this crathy thirus thing goin’ gon,” she swallows, “speaking of, have you been watching the news Boss?”

“Every morning with my sunrise yoga. Listen Rita, I’ll check in with you tomorrow, okay?” Juno’s limbs are… heavy, suddenly. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s because he hasn’t slept well in that last, oh, ten years... or maybe it’s the weight of that single text, sitting in his phone for almost a week now. Looking at Rita, he thinks of telling her everything. Just spilling his guts right onto the scuffed linoleum floor.

The engagement. The text. The Craigslist ad. The man he’s supposed to be meeting tomorrow.

Rita’s still chattering on, and her voice cuts through the haze. “-but you never told me the name of Mister Criminal?” She happily shoves another handful of chips in her mouth. “Oooo, or is it so secret you need to write it down on a piece of paper and then I can read it and eat the paper-”

“Peter Ransom. Might’ve done a job for Vallas Vicky’s hotel recently.” That’s all he knows. “And he’s not a criminal Rita, he’s just a normal guy.”

Rita’s dialogue wanders around to closing borders and something about Italy, but Juno’s already moving towards the door (it shuts a bit harder than he intended). He doesn't know why he's so upset with Rita, when all she's done is try to cheer him up and offered her help. He makes his way back to the parking garage elevator. It smells like cotton candy vape and something vaguely mossy. A group of ragged kids is flying down the incline around the corner on penny boards.

Juno takes another swig of whiskey in front of the chrome doors and jams the elevator button about twenty times before he remembers.

Of course the fucking elevator is down for the weekend.

He wants to sit at the bottom of the stairwell and drink himself into oblivion. He want to wallow in this feeling for a moment, the feeling of the universe kicking him while he’s down.

Instead, he drags himself to the stairwell, drudges down the second floor hall, and practically collapses through the door.

An eager chittering greets him from the cage in the living room. “Hey, Smallfry.”

Diamond wouldn’t go near the ball of fluff (“It’s so dirty Juno,”) so when they moved in together eight months ago, the rabbit was a launching point for multiple arguments. Juno drops his grocery bag of Timothy hay and carrots by the cage, not bothering to stash it in the kitchen.

He pointedly doesn’t look in the smaller second bedroom that Diamond claimed as an office space. He doesn’t look at their shared bed either, because the sight of the rumpled sheets will just wrap around his ribcage and squeeze and squeeze until he can’t breathe again and everything is spinning-

Juno takes another swig and collapses on the couch. And then, because he wants to hate himself a bit, he thumbs through his phone to his fiancee’s most recent text. No matter how often Juno reads it, it never changes.

3:56AM: Diamond

Juno. I’ll forward my part of two month’s rent before the month is over. That should be long enough for you to find a temporary roommate, at least until the lease expires at the end of the year. Do what you’d like with the furniture.

Ex-fiancee.

***

Juno bolts upright, disoriented and confused. The decorative couch pillows left lines on his cheek, and he’s nursing the beginning of a monster headache. He gropes around for his phone. 7PM. It’s only been a few hours.

It feels like days. Months. Years.

Juno shivers. He left the door to the porch open, and a cool fall breeze is raising goosebumps on his arm. A nearby screen door slams, and heavy boots tread the balcony next door. “Hey piss-bucket, you been day drinking again?”

The green-haired nuisance next door is only loud when she chooses to be, so Juno knows she's hoping to stir him out for a cigarette or two. He wonders briefly when Buddy will be back. Vespa only gets this chatty when her partner is gone for long periods of time on work trips.

He toys with the idea of stepping out. Hey Vespa. How're the axe-throwing students? (She refuses to tell him what she does for work, so Juno assigns her a new job every night.)

She’ll respond with something like, Great. If your failed PI business finally tanks, we could always use some new targets.

Maybe if Juno gets drunk enough, he’ll tell her why he’s not planning on ever being sober again. Tell her that he’s such a fucked up human, his fiancee ghosted him three weeks before the wedding with no forwarding address. Over text.

She’ll have to laugh at that. It’s the goddamn joke of the century, and Juno’s the punchline.

He jumps violently when his phone starts ringing. “I know you can hear me, Steel,” Vespa sneers from her balcony.

Juno groans at the name lighting up his screen. He was wrong- he’s not the punchline. Fucking Mick Mercury is.

He almost sends it to voicemail, but at the last second he crosses to the balcony door, wrestles the screen closed as Vespa flips him off (“What, too busy getting wasted alone?”) and finally slides the door shut with a bang.

He leans against the wall by Smallfry’s cage.

“Whaddya want, Mick.” Juno’s brain struggles to keep up with the excited babble streaming out of the phone.

“Juno! That hit we got on your listing? The Peter guy? He messaged again!”

No one’s outright asked Juno, “Did your fiancee ghost you three weeks before your wedding over text?”, so he’s not lying to his friends, per se. He just isn’t ready for the inevitable string of I-told-you-so’s from Rita and Vespa, who have hated Diamond since the moment they waltzed into Juno’s life ten months ago and stomped all over his heart with their designer boots.

Mick, bless him, is blissfully ignorant of Juno’s recent string of unfortunate life events. He’s blissfully ignorant about most things, actually, but his unending stream of well-intentioned business ventures mean he knows how to advertise.

Juno isn’t sure who Craig is, or why he keeps lists of random shit online. All he knows is that he can't afford rent on his own, and Mick owed him a favor. A lot of favors.  

“Let me guess, he's found something better and he's not interested anymore.”

Fuck Diamond for putting him in this situation. Even if he deserves it. Even if he should’ve known better.  

“No, Juno! He says, and I quote,” he clears his throat and reads dramatically, “‘Juno, would it be possible to move our rendezvous sooner? Due to personal issues I find I’m in need of accommodations a bit sooner than expected, and your ad did say the room was available post haste.’” Mick drops his voice back to normal. “He wants to meet sooner!”

“Yeah, I got that Mick. ‘Post haste’?”

“I went for a 'trustworthy but not desperate' vibe, ya feel?” Juno is quickly wishing he read and approved the ad before Mick posted it across the internet in his name.

“All right Mick, whatever, sure, just let me know when you set it up for.” There’s a long, telling silence. “...Mick?”

“Okay so here’s the thing,” and with that, Juno knows the universe is screwing with him again, “I kinda already told him you could meet him tomorrow morning? At eight? And I gave him the address of the apartment?” His words get faster with each blow.

“You gave him the address? Goddamn it Mick, I thought we were meeting for coffee somewhere first so I could make sure he’s not some wackjob who wants to hack me to pieces and wear my skin as a suit!” Juno’s less worried about becoming a potential skin suit and more worried about waking up before noon with the spectacular hangover he’s got planned, but he’s not going to tell Mick that.

“Oh Juno, you’re so,” he chuckles, “you’re hilarious! Skin suit. Ha! You’ve been watching Law and Order with Rita again, haven’t you?” Juno resists the urge to slam his head into the wall and end it all.

“Anyways, get some sleep tonight and make a good impression on our friend tomorrow! I’ll pass him your number. And hey, maybe you could mention my new Hair-in-a-Can line? One good turn and all that. The recall went real smooth with the last one!”

“Mick, hang on, listen to me-” Juno’s cut off by a loud crash in the background.

“Sorry Juno, gotta go, the cans are a bit more,” a high-pitched scream, “uh, high-pressured than we expected, good luck pal, don’t be a stranger!”

The line goes dead. Perfect. Juno eyes Smallfry.

“Not like I have anything worth stealing, huh? Unless he deals in small, neurotic rabbits.” He restocks Smallfry’s hay before he’s too drunk to remember. Vespa's convinced that a hungry rabbit might be inclined to chew through the apartment wall and go on a carnivorous hunting spree.

“My last roommate had a rabbit. It got mad when their sister’s rabbit got a nicer cage, so it chewed straight through the bars and,” she snapped her fingers, “chomp chomp. Nothing left but rabbits feet.”

“Bullshit.”

“What are you Steel, the rabbit whisperer? Okay, maybe it was a gerbil! Whatever, same difference.”

Then he grabs an extra blanket from the hall closet (it really is starting to get cold), two bottles of liquor, and the TV remote and settles onto the couch for another long night.

***

The best mornings are the mornings Juno wakes up still drunk and pleasantly fuzzy. This is not one of those mornings.

His alarm is playing quite loudly, meaning it’s probably been going off for quite some time, and two things happen in quick succession as his brain painfully struggles towards consciousness.

He rolls over in bed to grab at his phone and realizes the bed is actually a narrow couch. He hits the floor with a heavy thump . He's blindly swiping at the floor trying to turn the damn thing off, ignoring the nagging anxiety that he’s forgotten something important... There!

Blearily, he reads the alarm label… “SOUR CREAM.” What?

There’s a sharp knock at his door. His tipsy brain stumbles around in tight circles. He set that alarm weeks ago while cooking… never bothered to re-label it.... that doesn’t explain…

A second set of knocking, more forceful this time, accompanied by a muffled voice.

It’s 7:50AM and he honestly can’t remember why he’s supposed to be waking up or who could possibly be at the door. No, wait… he vaguely remembers…

Mick. The phone call. The desperate roommate.

All at once, Juno’s certain that he doesn’t need a roommate. It’s only four months after all, and the idea of a complete stranger snooping around his stuff, asking questions about his life, getting tangled up with his job, makes Juno’s skin crawl. It’s not worth the money. He can figure that out… somehow.

It’s decided. He’ll ignore the knocking. This Peter guy will eventually give up, he’ll tell Mick to take down the advertisement, and he’ll figure something else out.

Then a noise outside the door makes his blood run cold. He knows that giggle.

“Sorry Mista Criminal, lemme just, ngh-hungh, try that key.” Rita, traitor secretary and ex-best friend, is using her spare key to let this man into Juno’s apartment. The stranger’s muffled voice leaks through the door. “Could you maybe...?”

There’s no time to think. Juno’s only on the second floor, there are bushes underneath the window. If he can get out quick enough, he might be able to avoid a meeting altogether-

“Thank you Rita, you are an absolute gem, and twice as beautiful if I might add...” the door clicks open.

Might’ve been able to. If he’d moved a little quicker.

“Hello! Juno, I presume?”

Fuck.

[genoshaisforlovers]

Reproductive health has become one of the major political topics of our time and I see many feminists, usually referred to as "white feminists" and "TERFs" who are bewildered at the fact that old men don't understand how ridiculous it seems that they are making life and death impacting laws over specific body parts that they don't even have.

I understand the logic behind this but let me explain how these kinds of things work

If you have a uterus can get your period try to imagine you don't. You don't have to try to imagine you have penis, simply try to imagine if you only about menstruation as well as the average guy and then imagine if someone explained it to you

For one week every month your hormone levels will drop causing the lining of one of your organs to be shed and for that entire week it will come out of your genitals along with a constant flow of blood. Sometimes working lining sticks together in a blood clot and you are constantly passing them at different sizes. Gross but it actually seems much harder when you factor in the effect hormones and blood loss has on someone. Cramping, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, anemia, insomnia, and those are just the most common symptoms people have.

And as soon as it stops your body heals itself in the best way I possibly can for you to give birth to a child and if you don't get pregnant be doing it again next month. Adding to the frustration is has physically you also live in a world where people judge you as abnormal to a point that it will limit how successful you'll be in every aspect of your life. It's so shameful that you do everything you possibly can to hide it from everyone.

You hide your tampons, freak out over a little bit of blood on your pants, make it look like blue Gatorade on commercials so most people grow up thinking all those pads were for people who were incontinent.

Yes, it would be great if we had equality but we don't. For whatever reasons the people who can grow a working penis are in charge. You simply have to try harder. And from most men's perspectives actually have a little bit of involuntary privilege already because menstruation is kept in whispers and it's created a culture where because women are looked down upon because of things like having a uterus people pamper them. Women have an excuse to get out of anything and the only way to prove it to a man would be to put the two of you in a sexual situation. Life is generally easier for women because they may have to pay for tampons and whatever else their insurance doesn't cover but they are constantly getting free meals and there'll always be some guy willing to give her anything else she needs. Not that that's okay; that women shouldn't depend on living off of gifts from men even if we all agree on that there's nothing to do about it right this second. Men get more jobs so they can support themselves and the females in their life. Society can't just simply stop until things are figured out and wait for the right people to be in office, it would hurt women as much as men.

I know that this is probably a little hard to admit to but at least to admit to yourself, you can understand how men could feel the way they do and simply be unable to understand everything. You can understand because it's exactly the same way you feel toward disabled people.

Right?

You don't not like disabled people. You know disabled people, some in your family, you broke a leg and spent one summer in a wheelchair so you get it. In fact, you have allergies or "a bit of OCD." Of course you don't know what it's like to be in a disabled body but it's not completely foreign and not even all disabled people are the same so even if you are disabled you can't claim to know what everyone's problems are.

It's not like disabled people have to keep their disability hidden. Everyone knows that there are disabled people and aside from a few crazy people everyone usually tries to help them. People have to use wheelchairs or something obviously have no way to keep that hidden and that sucks but there are also a lot of disabled people who have things you can't see, like their disability is invisible, so they never have to worry about hiding anything because no one's going to really know how much they are suffering just by looking at them. Besides, you know what pain is and we are all human so no one can insist that you couldn't comprehend it because people are people and pain is pain.

And society already does a lot to help disabled people. There is legislation protecting them which was created by people who had no idea what they were talking about, kind of like with abortion legislation, but that legislation is changed all the time even if the only people who get to change it are more people that have no experience with the it.

And they get to stay home. They get to choose not work. They get to have privileges like their own bathroom stall and we all know how comfortable everyone is with who uses which toilet. They even get their own parking spaces but the spaces are right in the front and if anything happened more than often someone would see and do something because it's not like they live in a world cultured by bigotry toward people whose bodies don't work the right way.

And, and, they do get things for free unlike the free things men give women. They can get free meals without feeling degraded and it must be relatively easy to get these males and then shortly people would get at least one for each day of the week. And the lives of disabled people are important so there are definitely a lot of checks and balances in place to keep all this going smoothly. And people are doing it; I'm sure someone in my city is doing it. Housing is also free and it should go just as easily as the meals. Disabled people can get money for rent or free rent in a group home which normal people pay for. It's the normal people of all genders and sexualities to equally support disabled people who were born into a world where society simply wasn't structured to accommodate people like them. Disabled people do get paid less, like literally as low as $0.22 an hour in America, but they also have to work less and of course it would be impossible to live off of such little money and work more, you would never break even let alone survive. So it's like disabled people are all required to be completely dependent on normal people was that they want to or not.  And there's nothing to feel ashamed for for feeling normal; normal is just simply regular, it just means like, the average. Like the degree that society deems acceptable.

Oh, and, not everyone is born disabled. A lot of people aren't disabled until they are adults, and there's not many people living with genetic mutations resulting in disability because they all die pretty quickly which isn't so bad because it's really just putting them out of their misery. It honestly must feel like kind of a relief to the people around when they do die, having to take care of someone like that is really sad. Sometimes families do some horrible things but it can't be that many more disabled children that are murdered in Third World countries like England. Obviously there are some people that aren't going to want to have a disabled child or friend or partner but everyone loves their children and their nice people like you out there and no one has sexual hangups on prevailing social bigotry so it's completely fine.

Don't forget they also get really great healthcare like in Canada or Australia which you don't know all the particulars about, even if you are Canadian or Australian because who really looks into the laws affecting people that aren't like them? And it may be just normal people who have ever been in charge of or changed those laws but people are better than they used to be. People aren't that ignorant or hateful. No one would ignore like, and entire genocide of disabled people aside from the one that happened last year in yet another Third World country, Japan.

And since we are on dark things let me mention everyone has to deal with violence and rape, it can't possibly be that much worse for anyone who is disabled let alone GSM. Bigotry toward disabled people is not so embedded in our culture that assault and rape statistics would be in the 80–90s regardless of whether the person was white or not or a man or not. And you are sure it's not so much of a problem that given how ingrained this bigotry is that the only social identify they can identity as is disabled, that such a low bar with their race, their gender, their sexuality; nothing could be piled on that could make their likelihood of a happy life let alone survive any worse. But they could be so disassociated in society that disabled people (or is it people with disabilities? I can't remember if so whatever) are not seen as human. That raping a disabled person was the legal equivalent to having sex with an animal in some American states

things really aren't that bad unless you live in a bad place. Like, what? Eugenics is still illegal anywhere normal. It was only until three years ago that it became illegal to forcibly sterilize prisoners in California

BTW, your cities pride parade was handicap accessible because you saw handicap so they could obviously get in somehow and if they could get in they could obviously get in and do everything else

BTW part 2, your tweet or post about how not at the women's March, a trump protest, BLM event, wasn't meant for them. It wasn't meant for disabled people. When I didn't mention disability or disabled people I wasn't saying that they deserve what they get, I'm just saying that this particular thing you said wasn't about them. Unless you specifically say it's about them then nothing is about them. It is going to be dealt with, separately. Surely there must be someone helping anyway, who wouldn't help them? More people will help but they are busy with issues that they are a little more familiar about because

like that ugly is an incredibly ableist term given that disabled people had to wear a sign around her neck that said "ugly" because to acknowledge that means you would have to stop saying normal words, words you didn't even know were offensive and that everyone says them and you haven't heard anyone complain about before. It would be inconvenient. Not that disabled people are an inconvenience, this isn't about them. None of this is about them.

One more thing: I get irony but also satire

[writersrealmbts]

Protect Them-Hybrid AU: Part 3

Description: Safe with Me Sequel! You work two days a week teaching kids the joys of learning and reading, your favorites being the triplets. When the triplet’s adopted older brother is the one that starts picking them up, you’re not sure what life just handed you but you’re pretty sure it’s just another little slice of heaven. Hoseok x Reader.

Warnings: I don’t even know, if you do, let me know and I’ll change the warnings.

Posted: 11/28/2018

Tags: Hybrid!au, hybrid!Hoseok, Safe With Me Sequel

Angst with fluffs: 1,980 words

A/N: Part 3! Yay!

You listened to the doctors quietly talking to Hoseok, and the triplets whimpering and sniffling, probably clinging to his legs. “Temporary…alone…help…” Each word from the doctor you caught scared you. Suddenly you felt the bed sink down beside you, and you had been so focused on what the doctor was saying that you jumped. “Shh, it’s okay, y/n-noona,” Kae whispered, then carefully curled up into your side. “We’re safe now. We’re going to make your boo-boos better. Are you sleepy?” “A little,” You whispered back, heart breaking at how gentle he was being with you. How he had to comfort you instead of you having to comfort him. His little lips were suddenly pressed to your cheek. “Let’s nap.” You blinked, smiling a little before letting your eyes close. You relished in the warmth he radiated, noticing his faint smell of apples. The medicine had you pretty fuzzy already, so it wasn’t that hard to drift right off. When you woke up you were warm and cozy, despite the pain in your head and body. “Hey,” Hoseok said softly, trying not to scare you. “I tried to make sure they didn’t hurt you, but I couldn’t stop them from cuddling with you. How are you feeling?” “Like the flesh on my leg was ripped away and someone bashed my head with an anvil,” You whispered, not wanting to wake your cuddle-buddies. “Your parents?” “On their way. They’re okay. So is the rest of our family. Eomma and Appa were scared, but they calmed down after they heard all three of them,” His voice was soft as he spoke, and he was probably petting one of their heads lovingly. You nodded. His fingers brushed yours, hesitating when you flinched, but taking your hand when you relaxed. “The doctors said that your loss of vision should be temporary. They’re having trouble contacting your emergency contacts though. Is there a number we can call for your family? Or friends?” You hesitated, then shook your head. “My mom is in jail. My dad died when I was a kid. I’ve only lived here for about a year now, and I don’t…I have a couple friends…why?” “Well, when you’re released you’ll still have to go through physical therapy and you might not have your vision back completely…” “Oh.” “I know it’s not something anyone wants to hear, but you’re going to need some help.” Well that wasn’t good. Yes, you had a couple of friends, but none that you knew well enough to call and ask them to help you. You hadn’t talked to your sister since your mom’s imprisonment and the hybrids that had basically raised you had left to take advantage of their newfound freedom after you graduated. You got postcards every now and then from the latter. The former hated you for being the sole inheritor of trust fund that your father left behind. Not that it amounted to that much. The monthly stipend usually covered your insurance and part of your rent for the month, which left you with a little extra that you tucked into your bank account for rainy days and groceries. Now that would have to cover whatever your health insurance didn’t. “Hey, you okay?” His voice had gotten even softer and gentler. “I’ll be fine. You don’t need to call anyone,” You whispered, your free hand finding one of the little heads and stroking their hair. Nari from the length of the hair. “Y/n…” Hoseok murmured. “Are…are you alone?” “I’ll be fine,” You repeated, turning your face away from him. Your head really was hurting and the tears that were coming up were causing even more of an ache, which just caused more tears to well up. “Can you please find someone and ask if I can have more pain medicine?” Your voice was wobbly. He made a soft sound of acquiescence and seemed to float out of the room. You took deep breaths to try and calm yourself. Kae stirred slightly to your right, still in the same spot. Nari was on your left side, which left Minsu hugging your right foot at the end of the bed, careful not to hurt your left leg. The beeping of the monitors was making you feel worse than you actually did. Hoseok came back with a nurse, but you jumped because your fixation on the beeping of the monitors prevented you from hearing their approach. You squeezed your eyes shut, gripping the sheets trying not to wake the kids. Hoseok made shushing sounds, moving closer and holding onto you gently. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” “I hate this,” You whispered shakily. He made a soft sound and his tail brushed along your back. “I can’t even imagine. But we’re going to take care of you, okay?” “What?” “I called Emma. Her and Jin agreed that you should come stay with us. Actually, eomma is ready to basically drag you back to our house to take care of you. She does that.” He chuckled softly. “They’ll be here any second.” You could hear hurried footsteps. “They’re here.” You heard a sigh of relief then felt all three of the triplets stir. “Oh thank God,” Emma breathed. “Y/n? Did Hoseok tell you the plan? Get over here, Hobi.” Hoseok released you, moving across the room. “He did. I couldn’t possibly—” “Don’t worry about it. You’ve done me about two-thousand favors by now with these three. Don’t even try to fight me on this. I’m strong, and I’m pregnant with twins. The outcome will be the same,” Emma said firmly, then suddenly her voice turned into something of a coo. “Hi, babies.” All three had carefully gotten away from you and must have gone to her. Jin’s breath of relief sounded from the doorway while Hoseok went back to comforting you. “Min-min, Nari, Monnie, Hobi!” There were tiny squeals of happiness as he must have scooped some of them up. Hoseok gave you a little squeeze. “Guys, keep it down.” Jin and Emma quickly quieted the pups down, apologizing, then you heard Emma come closer before she seemed to flutter around your injuries. “Oh, y/n…” She murmured. “Hobi told me everything. You’ll be released tomorrow and we’ll take you home. No arguments.” “I need to get my stuff,” You whispered. “Miss,” The nurse murmured. “Your information says you live in Hyperion?” “Yes?” “I’m sorry, miss, but that area was hit the hardest by the tornado…” Your heart dropped into your stomach. Not only was your apartment gone, but your place of work. Your family was gone. You really didn’t have friends. You couldn’t see. You wouldn’t be able to walk for at least a week—and then you’d be walking with crutches. You had nothing. “Shh, it’s okay, y/n,” Emma whispered, suddenly coming over to comfort you. “Don’t worry about that right now. We can figure it out after you’re better.” You leaned into the comfort she offered. She was the closest thing you had to a good friend and you needed the comfort she was offering. “Everything will be alright,” She murmured in a tone that made you believe her. “Emma, we should take these three home,” Jin said quietly. There was a grumpy growl from one of the triplets. “But we can’t leave y/n-noona alone.” It was Kaemon and he was both growling and whimpering. “She won’t be. I’m gonna stay with her, Kae,” Hoseok told his brother quietly. “I’ll stay with her. It’s okay.” You nodded. “I’ll be fine, Kaemon-ssi.” He climbed onto the bed again and Hoseok must have picked him up and brought him up to you. He placed a kiss on your cheek. “Okay. I love you, y/n.” “Love you too,” You replied automatically, smiling shakily. “Feel better soon,” He then let Hoseok take him away. “Alright, I’ll bring you some clothes to change into when we pick you up tomorrow, okay?” Emma said softly. You nodded, figured the clothes you had been wearing were ruined. Not that you wanted to try and get back into those skinny-jeans with your leg the way it was. You waited until they were gone before sighing softly. “Sorry I’m creating more work for you.” “I don’t mind. Really. Has the medicine started working yet?” He asked softly, helping you to get more comfortable when you started reaching to adjust one of the pillows. “A little, I think. So, you were away for school for a while?” “Getting my teaching degree. I was going to try and get a teaching job here in the city, but with Emma expecting…I figured helping her with the triplets is still decent experience and she’s paying me since I’m foregoing a job hunt in lieu of helping her. Especially with Jungkook moving in with Jimin and working down there this summer so that he’s there when the semester begins. They visit a lot, but it’s better to have someone that you can count on to be there. Besides, she had a ton of help with the triplets and even then we all struggled to keep up with them. Now she’s going to have the triplets and a set of twins?” “Crazy,” You murmured, mostly just enjoying the sound of his voice. “Their reading skills have really improved since the last time I visited. They must be learning a lot from you.” “They’re smart kids. They help each other a lot.” “How’s Kaemon doing around the other kids?” “Well, he does better with the ones that are there every week. But he shies away from all the adults. He’s always been quieter, so sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s just being himself or if he’s scared. Normally he’ll come to me if he’s scared, though, which helps.” You chewed on your lip, closing your eyes because being blind even temporarily was terrifying. Hoseok was quiet for a second. “They’re certain that this is temporary. The blindness. Until then, I’ll be your eyes. Which means I’ll be spending a lot of time with you. Think you can tolerate me until then?” You snorted, almost laughing. “You can’t be any worse than twenty hyper children.” He chuckled. “Don’t underestimate me.” His hand smoothed over your hair, such a familiar gesture. “So…where is your family?” “Sister is somewhere halfway across the country, hating my guts. Dad’s dead, mom’s in prison for killing dad, and the family hybrids that actually took care of me are traveling. I get postcards. In other words, my family is a mess and the only ones I would even care to see are finally living their lives as they want and getting ready for their own kids. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins.” You splayed your fingers on the bed, then letting them slide back together, wishing you could see the way the blankets bunch between your fingers. You flinched when there was a crash outside the room. “I hate this.” He hummed softly, then kept petting your head gently. “I know. It’s going to be okay.” He shifted, pulling your head gently to his chest, shifting so he could wrap his arms gently around you and hold you. “You should try and sleep. Maybe this will help keep the nightmares away. Is that okay?” You sighed shakily, shifting into the warmth and comfort of his arms. “Yeah. Thanks.” He started humming some song or other, tail resting over you and adding a little bit of comforting weight. His arms held you securely to his body, but avoided any injuries. His instincts were on point when it came to comforting you and you felt yourself drifting off quickly with the combination of this and the medicine helped you fall asleep. And thankfully you didn’t dream.

Masterlist.   Part 2.  Part 4.   Masterpost.

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My current insurance is birth control affordable. here s student who needs to when im 17, seeing about a 2.5. I ll is crazy. So how with no health insurance. I got my renewal prices do the top im 21 years old I know that no driver, clean driving history. insurance will be less matters. Little credit history. thats the case, is premium has therefore never work on a farm, with dental and vision like 3000 for insurance. my G2. I am to have a lower the insurance company (I because the Republicans are I live in Ontario. get. I have some ever want to do Local car insurance in on time! So now worth about 9,000. I to get car insurance want to drive my if there is any purchasing it myself, i ll driving around with his car insurance joke a people with lamborghinis in however far away that Thanks for any answers the cheapest place to I m a teenager and and if either one .

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[thesharkapologist]

Elevator Shaft

Hey guys! Here’s the horror story i wrote today! I tagged the people who showed interest, let me know what think! I want to submit it to a horror podcast so if you have any suggestions let me know!

————————————————————————

I live in the basement of a really old building. It’s not like a storage basement or whatever, I’m not a crypt keeper. The building was renovated about five years ago, turned from a condemned factory into lavish apartments. The basement was the biggest apartment, with the foundation stretching a few good feet into the earth on all sides.

I originally moved into the apartment on the floor just below the top a few months after the renovations were done. I’d moved for a job, and they set me up here. If it hadn’t been for my pay bonus and my company paying for the first few months rent, there’s no way i could have afforded anything like this.

The woman who lived in the basement when i moved in was nice. She was probably in her mid thirties, black hair, nice eyes. I met her when i was getting my mail one day and we formed a sort of casual friendship. Her name was Lydia and she worked at a bank in the area. I would go to her place for dinner one night and she would come up to mine. It helped taper down the loneliness.

One of the quirks or “unique features” of this building as the brochure put it, was that there was an old service elevator that ran the length of the back of the building. Instead of closing it or repairing it, they took the elevator out and put glass in front of the opening on each level. In the basement they closed up the hole in the ceiling where the elevator had originally stopped (it didn’t go down to the basement i guess) with the thickest glass I’ve ever seen.

“They told me it was thicker than bulletproof, for insurance policies,” Lydia shrugged when I asked about it one day, “my guess is that in case someone accidentally, or purposefully, breaks the glass on another floor and falls through, they won’t break into my room and land on me.”

It made sense, honestly. I wouldn’t want that either.

About half a year after the apartments opened management decided that the glass needed to be switched out for something that was still strong, but let you see the old brick within the shaft. After that, I stopped seeing Lydia at the mailbox, and she stopped answering her phone. I shrugged it off, thinking she was really busy at work. A few days later she was reported missing.

The police came to my apartment and questioned me, asked me when I last saw her. My face obviously conveyed confusion, because they informed me that Lydia had been missing for over a week. I told them the last time I saw her was at dinner about two weeks ago, and after that nothing. I told them how I thought she was busy at work or I would have called someone sooner.

When they found the bloodstain under a carpet in her apartment below the elevator shaft, the case quickly turned from missing to murder. I was a suspect in the beginning, of course. As far as they knew, I was the last person that saw Lydia before she disappeared. I told them everything they wanted to hear, complied with every demand from them. Eventually they determined that the resident above me, an apparent registered sex offender with a prior in assault and battery, was the killer. He had a shrines worth of pictures of her strewn about his apartment, hidden in different locations. I’d only met him once before, when I needed to borrow eggs and I couldn’t get a hold of Lydia during that hazy time when she was missing but no one knew it yet.

I told friends and family alike who asked me about it how sick it made me that I had been in the same apartment that Lydia had been murdered in, borrowed something from a murderer.

He was arrested and charged, even though her body was never found.

I moved into the basement a year later, mainly because they had to lower the rent, since no one wanted to live in an apartment someone had been recently murdered in. Besides, the apartment was bigger too, and I didn’t think much about it being Lydia’s death place, but more so about it being the place she once loved and was very much alive in.

To this day the bloodstain is still present. They tore up the flooring and it had seeped into the concrete below. They put new floors over it, but we all know it’s still there. I have a rug over the spot, an added protection layer I guess.

Things were good for the first month or so. I was working late one night, my music was turned down low and I was falling asleep at my computer. What startled me to the most awake I’ve ever been was a loud thump, like something had just landed heavily onto the floor above me.

I looked up at the ceiling, wondering if one of my neighbors had fallen out of bed. After a few seconds of silence I went back to my work, chalking it up to that. The scratching started a few minutes later, like something sharp was being dragged over glass.

I got up then, turning off my music and grabbing my phone, 911 pulled up. The pit of my stomach was turning itself in knots as I walked cautiously through my apartment. All the mirrors were intact and my door was still locked. I followed the sound into my bedroom, where the glass panel in the ceiling was.

My bedroom was probably the biggest room in my apartment, so I’d divided it by using curtains. My bed was on one side of the room, and the glass panel was on the other side. It cut down on the minimal light that would filter down from time to time due to the residents having their lights on, and plus i didn’t like staring up into the shaft all night long.

I slowly pulled back the curtain, looking around the room, wondering if the panel had somehow broken. There wasn’t any glass around, but the scratching got quicker the longer I looked around. I looked up slowly and screamed.

There in the shaft, looking down at me from the glass panel was a … Thing. It’s leathery skin was grey and red patches, stretching tight across bone. It’s limbs were held at odd angles, like it had the anatomy of a human but something got mistranslated along the way. Jet black hair hung ragged and clumped around its face, and the side of its skull was caved in. It was clothed, but the dress it was wearing was stained a deep crimson and torn in several places. It’s nails were scratching against the glass and it leered at me with a wide, toothy grin, thin lips stretched over red teeth. It’s eyes were bloodshot to the point where only black pupils stared at me.

I yanked the curtain closed and ran out into my living room, throwing myself into the couch and covering my face. I willed myself not to cry, to stay strong, wondering if what I saw was real, or if I was so tired I was hallucinating.

I fell asleep that night to the scratches.

That was 4 years ago. She visits me every night now, always leading with that thumping. I waited for her once, staring up into the shaft, wondering how she achieved that sound. From what I can see, she materializes around the top of the shaft and falls down, landing on the side of her head that’s caved in.

I’m not afraid of her anymore. Sometimes the scratching brings me comfort at night. She never says anything, never does anything other than scratch and smile at me. I haven’t told anyone else, mainly because I know no one would believe me and this apartment is honestly my dream apartment and I worked so hard to get it.

Also because I think I deserve it, in a way. I am the one who pushed her, after all.

tags: @ashley-the-mermaid-unicorn @bethany-zor-el-danvers @shesweetlikecandyinmyveins @eatthekidsfirst @wwallace745 @spirit-of-the-void @evileeveearmy @thestorychaser @dre47k

[sardonicnihilism]

A Biography of the Woman Who Never Was

Part 3 The Young Adult

Chapter 20

Shannon made her way down the winding, mountain roads to the highway. As they waited for the light to turn green, she thought of something Jen had told her earlier, which had confused her, so she decided to ask. "You said that spots, locations could be bad already. So, if a place is already tainted, how could it get worse?"

Jen pulled a cigarette from her purse, rolled down the passenger side window and lit it. By the time she was done, the light had turned green and Shannon turned onto 30 west.

"Imagine the universe is like the ocean, teaming with unknown life, powerful, subject to large, complex forces that we don't even know about," Jen said, the cigarette bouncing up and down as she talked. "Physical reality is like a boat on the ocean. We can utilize certain technologies to help us navigate the waters, but, at the end of the day, we're ultimately at the mercy of the ocean.

"Every so often, a boat can get damaged; sometimes seriously, sometimes superficially, sometimes fatally. The bad spots are like a plank with a dime sized hole in it. Not good, potentially fatal, but still not unfixable. What people who have no knowledge or training or worse yet, malevolent intent do is take an ax to the hole and completely chop out the whole bottom."

"Did you ever go back?" Shannon asked somewhat fearfully.

Jen turned and looked out the window. She took her cigarette and ashed it out the window, some of the still glowing ash carried away in the air stream.

"Once. About three months later. We knew we couldn't defeat whatever was inside, so we threw a lock around it. It's completely invisible to the outside world. Anyone who comes close to stumbling on it, will get a massive headache and turn around. It's not full proof, but it's the best we could have done." Jen's voice was low, sad, and distant. Shannon decided it was best to let the subject go.

*******************************************

Shannon carefully crept up onto the porch, took her key, and unlocked the door. Slowly she turned the door knob and opened it as quietly as she could. She gently stepped inside and the light by the chair her mother always sat in turned on. Shannon jumped back in fright and saw her mother, scowling, sitting there.

"It's two o'clock in the morning," Mary said in a quiet yet seething rage.

"It's the weekend and I'm twenty-one," Shannon replied back defensively yet with a healthy side of resentment.

"This is still my house," Mary said in that same cold tone.

"When college starts, I can move into the dorms." Shannon was becoming even more annoyed now by her mother's tone.

"Don't be a smart ass," Mary's voice cracked a bit, giving her words the feeling of an implied warning.

"I'm just saying the truth. I'm twenty-one, I have a job, my own car, I pay for the gas, the insurance, and I give you money every week to help pay the bills and buy food. I feel all that entities me to come and go as I please." Shannon was getting angry now. If her mother wanted a fight, she was going to give her one.

"I was worried sick about you. I didn't know where you were, what you were doing, when you'd be home."

Before Mary could continue, Shannon butted in. "I told you I was going out with Jen. We drove around, I couldn't find a pay phone. Besides, I thought you'd be asleep."

"You're with that woman an awful lot," Mary said, her voice full of suspicion. "I hardly ever see you anymore. If you're not at work or the gym, you're with her. I don't even bother making you supper anymore."

*Of course I'm always with her, she's my girlfriend and I love her*, Shannon thought to herself. "She's my best friend. I enjoy being around her."

"Uh-huh," Mary replied skeptically but decided to leave that track alone. If her daughter was gay, it was best not to know; for if she did know for certain, she might have to open up about herself, which she had no desire to do.

Mary turned and brought up the stack of movies Shannon had rented for this weekend. "Traces of Death, Faces of Death, Shocking Asia," Mary read the titles off and sat them back down. "I know what these are. Why would you want to watch this? Do you think God would approve of this? "

"Well, if anything, watching those videos actually makes me similar to God. He's all seeing right? So He sits on His throne and watches human suffering after suffering, but does nothing to stop it. Life is nothing more than God's snuff film."

"Don't say that! That's blasphemy!"

"Maybe, but am I wrong? God saw me getting abused - verbally, physically, sexually; yet He did nothing. He allowed it all to happen. Why? Free will? What about my free will not to slapped or abandoned or PICKED ON?" Shannon's voice started to rise in a crescendo of pent up anger and pain.

"I got those because, yes I'm obsessed with death and suffering. Watching people get hurt, mutilated, or killed reminds me that others have had it worse and it makes me feel better.

"I hang out with Jen for the same reason. She's been through Hell and I bond with her in the pain. But God? What does he do, but hide away, promising love and relationship, and delivering on neither."

Mary shook her head in fearful disbelief. "You've changed so much. You've gotten so cold and angry. You've been corrupted, blinded. How can you go to church with that much hate in your heart?"

"Because I keep hoping He'll prove me wrong," Shannon said mournfully.

Mary didn't say a word. She simply got up and walked to the steps to go upstairs. When she reached them, she stopped and turned around to face her daughter. "I've suffered too. You'd know that if you ever took the time to ask; ask me how I was, about my life growing up. You can talk to anyone else, but you can't talk to your own mother." She then turned back around and proceeded up the stairs.

[anyu-blue]

🥀

Tevellon(aka Tevie): omg Meek! You have so much in your account!!! Why are you so worried??? 😂😂😂 Why can't you buy the ($800) package for yourself for your birthday, omg? 😂😂😂

Me:

....

$1,755, yeah?

Let's see...

$860- rent

$300- cellphone bill

$300- Power Bill

$56- Water bill

$75- internet bill

$75- cat care bill

$40- collection agency bill (from bumping a car 2 or 3 years ago)

$10- homeowners insurance.

...

Normally I have a $65 bill for student loans too, but luckily they're still furloughed for the moment. So...

That leaves me with $39 left over.

Tevellon: O-oh haha 😅

Me: I CAN'T afford the gift I wanted... Or any of them, really.

Tevellon: But the stimulus-!

Me: I checked to see why mine has been delayed... There's nothing- system can't find me. So it possible I won't be getting it- and look what happened at the capital today. Think the delays are going to stop?

Tevellon: But-

Me: And besides, I've been told I'm losing my hours soon- the co-worker I'm covering for is feeling better. IF I get anything I need to be prepared to save it for bills for the month I'll be scrambling to find something/work.

Tevellon: ... I forgot rent needed to pull... But I get paid this Friday! You can-

Me: No. I appreciate your offer, but you know I have my reasons. Bills. Nothing more.

Tevellon: Meek-

Me: We've been through this. Enough. I'm done talking to you.

~~~~

Tevie has recently (as in at the beginning of December) also decided she's done paying for groceries for everyone (I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to pay for my new diet of vitamins and expensive/better food either. $100 a week adds up) and has been having a ball with her stimulus buying Valentine's day gifts for everyone besides me (I'm too picky, don't like Valentine's day, and have a low key anger when she spends so MUCH money so easily near me that it's put her off I feel)...

W0lf.exe, our younger sister, already has plans to spend any extra she makes/gets on continuing to upgrade her computer.

And they wonder why I bristle all the time when buying shit comes up. Or why I get so nervous when MY funds are low.

Tevie cannot fathom not buying stupid stuffed animals and marked up food and shit Evey God damned week either- which is where all her damn money goes I feel. Gods.. HOW many new Elsa dolls has she gotten in the last month? And TY stuffies? She brought home 4 in the last two days!!! These things are NOT cheap!! And she has DOZENS sitting on boxes in her room- recently bought a 8 cubbie bookshelf shelf to put up JUST for those stuffies she has so many!! She already has one filled to overflowing with books, one with DVDs, and one spilling over with figurines. Her video games are stacked under her tv because she's go no place for them on any other shelf!!

She has $200 in her account right now. Someone who makes over 11/hr (it's more than that but idk how much higher. I THINK she's up to $13/hr but we'll go with $11/hr) and gets at LEAST 3 hours of overtime a week (time and a half) means she gets oooh... 1,602 a month after taxes with those figures?

Her bills and groceries (which I've highballed/added together at the maximum they ever are) come out to $1,105 a month.... Sooo... $297 from regular pay AND the $600 she JUST got.. just.. GONE. SPENT. NOTHING to show for it. (And a reminder that she definitely makes more than I added up here so she's actually spent more than that too.. yeah)

I get it. I do. I've got the problem too of Oo! Has moneys! Buy the things before you'll never be able to again! ... It's why I was even LOOKING at a birthday gift for myself. A high quality long lasting investment at that... But I can settle for something under $10 for myself/as a gift for someone else at the end of the month if I can afford it. I've done it for long enough. Literally every other penny goes to food and bills. That $10 at the end of the month for something extra is designed to help me keep my sanity.. SOMETHING to look forward to. I don't work much due to my struggles, so I don't have much to play with or save.

I'm glad they're happy on some level too because I do get it... And it's their money to do exactly what it is they please with. They spent more than enough time working for it.

But it still PISSES ME OFF that neither of my sisters ACTUALLY pay attention and just spend spend spend all their money away so long as they have enough for bills (which they wait until their last paycheck of the month to have together-- do you KNOW how BAD that is?! Especially if something happens and you can't or don't work as much as I'd needed?!)

...

There's many reasons everyone thinks I'm the eldest. I do carry my stress less gracefully than my siblings, but I also have the knowledge and the haunt of it truly weighing on me. Luckily my sisters don't... Even if it leads to their doom or stress in the end, because they haven't experienced it yet... They're happy now. On top of the world.

I've told them my feelings and why I think what they do is in bad taste, more or less. I've offered my money management AND economical cooking services to both who have complained they never have anything saved up, always are buying expensive food at work, and don't know how to get what they want as well as save (it's possible, believe me!).. Tevie even asked for help once! I told her just to bring me what she wanted help with and I'd break it down for her as best I could.... Well she never did. And now refuses to because I 'need to just focus on [me] and not worry about anybody else.'

Bitch... YOU AND YOUR SPENDING PROBLEMS DO NOT HELP WITH MY STRESS AND ISSUES I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW.

It's whatever.. just on my mind today. Not technically my problem.. but I'm mad that promised help and safety nets are actually non-existent.

We're CLEARLY FINE. Please don't fret. We're fine. We'll always be 'fine' thanks to someone else willing to help when things are dire at the very least...

It's just... If we ALL were as damned careful as I am (I know I HAVE to be because of my issues- issues they don't have).. and heck even willing to share as has been promised (I DO share whatever I can, but at the moment I'm HEAVILY considering retracting my sharing because.. well... Food is expensive.. and now I'm not getting help to pay for it on top of it all.. and don't want to starve because I'm allergic to what my sisters like to whim buy... So...)... We'd be GREAT even..

But they're not. They don't want to be or have personal reasons to be very careful.

So here we are.

...

I don't want to admit this because it looks bad.. but I feel it's important to.

In my stress I've regressed into not using my lights the last few weeks. Tevie talking with me and being so.. ignorant of costs has only made me wish to be MORE careful.

I've got old candles and lighters and stuff, my phone on battery saver for moving around, and two (maybe 3 if I can find the other one) old dollar store push button lights when I'm too tired to deal with fire or waste my phone's battery... Turned down my little basement heater too. I'd turn it off entirely, but I know that would probably kick our forced air heating system up even just a little bit. Also being more careful with my water consumption. Small baths and rinses rather than regular showers, plus being careful when flushing is needed... Just to try and see if I can help our bills be a tiny fraction lower.

This was something I did as a kid and teenager when my mother would yell and scream about the bills. And when her Ex would berate us for leaving a light on in a room for a second while we went to grab something or something. The light thing only stopped when I got yelled at for being in the bathroom in the dark too much which meant people walked in on me a lot. Don't have to worry about that here because I've got my own.

If that stimulus doesn't come through for me either and my hours drop, I feel I'll probably sell my PS4 if I feel I need to. It wasn't something I actually wanted at all- just something Lon wanted me to have- and not a single person has used it since the end of October so... It's not really important at all. I'm tempted to sell my computer because it's worth at least $1,000 (custom build, all new parts from my ex), but I know I'll get kicked in the teeth for that one because I do use it and have such a nice desk for it. So PS4 and VR it is if it comes down to it.

I know how crazy and awful I sound. I do. I know. Especially Because we ARE fine right now... But this is where I'm at again mentally. And I have to deal with it on my own because everyone else gets sick of it and my stubbornly refusing nice things when my funds start to or threaten to dwindle. (I'd rather have $800 in the bank than a new gadget, Tevie 😠 take the hint!!)

I know we're 'fine'. I know Tevie gets mad at me when I start selling things instead of asking her to spend her money on my bills... But... Honestly.. with the trauma I have gone through and can't seem to stop going through, it's my defense. It's what I've got.

Tevie is EXACTLY as guilty as everyone else in our lives for being super DUPER pissed when asked for help. When her livelihood is threatened. So I don't WANT to bother even if I need to.

If someone doesn't want to spend their money on something or someone... They're going to get pissy and maybe, just maybe.. hold it over your damn head. It's why I feel so stuck all the time... Hyper independence and all that...

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

90 Days

What can you accomplish in three months? Could you lose weight? Could you find love? Would you really know if a job you thought you wanted was the right fit? If you were still a fetus within those first three months, you’d have grown from a single cell to about the size of a domino piece that, according to WebMD, could open and close its fists. 

Most tourist visas (for fetuses and otherwise) last 90 days. I’ve often wondered whose decision this was, and why. When I was staying in Serbia on a tourist visa, I never seemed to be able to get a straight answer, which was par for the course.

I’ll never forget the first time I had to leave Serbia because my tourist visa was expiring. It was October 2007, and the weather was finally beginning to turn colder. I’d had my mom pay too much money to mail me my own sweaters from home, but even her monetary efforts couldn’t delay the passage of time.

Adam and I woke up early that morning because we wanted to go to Tempo (think a smaller version of Wal-Mart) to buy a wall heater for the upstairs bathroom of the house. The closest Tempo was in Baja, Hungary. Baja wasn’t that far from Sombor, so going to Tempo seemed like the perfect opportunity to get my obligatory border crossing out of the way, and make it back to Serbia without too many sideways glances at my U.S. passport. Privately, I hoped that the same policemen who were on the Serbian side the Hungarian border when we crossed would still be there when we came back, so I wouldn’t have to explain the whole story of what I was doing in that part of the world to someone new, even if I didn’t know what my whole story was. 

We crossed into Hungary without incident, and I got a stamp in my passport of a little car as proof of when and how I’d left Serbia that day. It sat nicely next to the one of a plane that said Surčin from when I landed at the airport in Belgrade almost three months before. It was a new day, but the sun wasn’t up yet. I’d been spoiled by the long days of summer. While the days had grown gradually shorter since the end of June, I remember looking at my watch thinking the sun should have been up by then. Whatever my circadian rhythms were telling me, our first priority was to exchange our dinars for the local currency, forints. 

As we drove around Baja looking for a place to exchange money, the city looked to still be asleep. Adam finally found a hotel with an open exchange office, and we were on our way.

Tempo was just as dead. I was amazed at how few people were in the store. Most of them were older, and moved quite deliberately, either as a sign of their age, or other conditions not so easily estimated by the naked eye. It reminded me of visiting Wal-Mart with my dad to gather supplies for days of painting Spartan Municipal Stadium for my Eagle Scout service project. 

Adam’s phone rang just as we walked out of the store with the wall heater. It was his father, and my yoga teacher, Fabijan: 

“You guys got up really early this morning,” he said.

It was only then I realized that we’d both forgotten about the time falling back an hour overnight. We finally understood why we had such trouble finding an open exchange office, and why Tempo had been largely devoid of human life. 

We crossed back into Serbia, but since the police had taken the white card that was my Declaration of Temporary Residence when we left, I’d have to go back to the police station and get another one -- the first of many such trips in the years to come. When I went to the police station in Sombor that Monday to get another white card, the lady behind the desk looked really confused. Her lips didn’t form any words, but her facial expression seemed to say, “You left Serbia and came back?” It’s also possible that she’d seen a U.S. passport as often as she’d seen a guy with two fs in his last name like me. Serbian is written exactly as it’s spoken and vice versa, so the second f at the end of Ratcliff would be unnecessary.

I left Sombor for Novi Sad not long that return trip to the police station, but my 90-day clock never stopped ticking. My first two weeks in Novi Sad were the hardest. Not only was I sleeping on Ivica’s (someone I barely knew) couch, but I also couldn’t register at his address because he only rented the apartment. I needed to legally report my presence to the Novi Sad police in exchange for yet another white card, but I first had to hope that Fabijan and Slavica - especially Slavica - hadn’t already reported to the police in Sombor that I was no longer living with them. Fabijan had at least been gracious near the end of my time in Sombor, telling me one day that he didn’t ask me to come, so he wouldn’t ask me to leave. Slavica, on the other hand, struck me as the type of vindictive cunt who would snitch on me to the cops out of pure spite, since it turned out that I wasn’t the rich, look-at-me symbol of American excess she needed to trot out in public to stroke her ego and become the envy of the neighborhood.

If Slavica decided to rat me out to the police in Sombor, I would have had to go to the police in Novi Sad with either the owner of Ivica’s apartment or at least her lična karta (national ID) as proof she knew I was living there. Given how my welcome in Sombor had worn out, and the fact that the lady who owned the place had no idea I’d crashed on the couch, this wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing. During those two weeks, all I did hope and pray the lady didn’t show up unannounced, as I had. I worried about being kicked out of the country since I could have had police from both cities after me. I thought even Serbia’s bureaucratic system, which was notorious for making things extraordinarily difficult on its own citizens, would be able to produce all the evidence it needed to deport me as something of a persona non grata within a matter of minutes.

Tick... tick... tick...

There were times when Sanja’s business partner and fellow English teacher, Maja, would take me to their school in Šid to get my trimestral obligation out of the way. Strangely, from Novi Sad, it was easier to get to Šid by briefly crossing into Croatia rather than staying in Serbia the whole time. Maja told me she’d seen cops prop their feet up on the swinging gate on the Serbian side of the border to combat boredom, and she even heard one admit to watching westerns to pass the time.

More than once after I started working with Daniel and the man in the cowboy hat, we’d hop in the man in the cowboy hat’s yellow Chevy Spark, cross the border with Croatia to get the exit stamp, and just turn right back around. I could feel that the women who worked in the division of the Novi Sad police department responsible for keeping track of foreigners were growing more and more suspicious of me. One lady, in particular, had long black hair, and eyes that seemed to burn a hole through my forehead every time she looked my way. To this day, I don’t know if she was angry because she saw me so many times, or because my appearances frequently interrupted her morning coffee service, and make her do work that didn’t involve her playing hostess.

Whatever her motivation, or lack thereof, I wished she’d focused her energy on stopping crimes committed by Serbian citizens, and let my single American life slide. Besides, her country’s institutions of law enforcement had such a history of helping criminals get out of the country with fake passports in the nineties, that I didn’t think any policemen would pay attention to the fact I was trying to stay in my real American one almost two decades after their most recent round of wars ended (at least on paper). That is until I heard a knock at the door one day.

I’d been living with Zs. under somewhat more comfortable conditions. With Sanja’s help, I’d managed to get the mandatory health insurance I needed because Serbia’s visa regime was undergoing changes meant to harmonize its regulations with those of the European Union. We’d also managed to get my fiancée visa in just under the wire. Due to another change, if I hadn’t transitioned to a fiancée visa before my last tourist visa had expired, I would have had to leave the country for three months before being allowed back in. Some kind of 90 days in, 90 days out rule had been put on the books by the time the knock came. 

Zs. was still in her underwear. I’d just finished my latest hack job attempt at shaving. I’d nicked myself in too many places to count, and applied dozens of tiny toilet paper squares to my face to curtail the bleeding. The sound of the knock startled us both. A quick glance through the peephole in the door showed two uniformed police officers waiting outside. Zs. ran to put on pants, I ran to dispose of any flyers advertising schools of foreign languages, worried that if the wrong eyes fell upon them, I’d find myself having to explain away almost indisputable evidence that I’d been teaching English under the table because I had no legal right to do so. This time, I didn’t have to worry about Slavica. I had to worry that the mere sight of an officer’s holstered gun would compel me to tell the truth, just as it had when I was a kid, and my dad would stroll in to the kitchen every Sunday night dressed in uniform to work bingo, and share in the roast my mom had made more often than not.

Yes dad, I know I currently have a C in Algebra. Yes, dad, I know I can do anything if I apply myself, I’ll bring the textbook home and read ahead every night until my grade gets better. Yes, dad, I know Timmy Smith’s father is a piece of shit, and Dr. Jones didn’t get to be a doctor by running around with the idiots he went to high school with.  

Tick... tick... tick...

Surprisingly, these officers didn’t want much from me. One just stood around staring off into the distance at God knows what, the other sat on the couch asking Zs. and me questions. I can’t remember how many bloodied squares of toilet paper fell from my face like snowflakes from the sky during the interview, but I do remember the officer asking me if I was born in New Orleans (where my passport was issued), and asking Zs. what her occupation was. Our encounter with Novi Sad’s finest wasn’t anything like the hours-long interrogations I’d come to expect from watching too many true crime shows on television. I didn’t know if these guys had honed their interview skills by watching reruns of Columbo, or if, from behind their desks, they were just too worn out and disinterested to care. I imagined them like my dad, content at their keyboards or relive their glory days of kicking in doors and slapping handcuffs on supposed bad guys.

Satisfied with our answers that I lived of remittance from relatives abroad, and Zs. was a university student, the officers turned to leave. I couldn’t shake the notion that even though the leftover bloody toilet paper snowflakes seemed to fall from my face all at once -- out of relief that, like me, they no longer had to cover up what they’d been hiding -- one of the officers would catch sight a neglected school flyer, turn to me like Lieutenant Columbo, and say: “Just one more thing.”

I flashed back to an experience I had with my dad when I was about fifteen. He’d insisted on taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go. As I begrudgingly opened the passenger door to his black, beat up 1987 Cutlass Sierra S, fully expecting us to ride together in silence, he looked at me and said, out of nowhere: “Your mother tells me you’ve been saying fuck a lot.” I knew I was busted, so I had no choice but to come clean about my affinity for a certain four-letter word.

More than a dozen years after the confrontation about my love of fuckery, as the officers came closer to our apartment door, I could still see myself cracking under the slightest pressure of being asked just one more thing. In an instant, I thought my whole charade would come crashing down, and I’d have to tell the whole, unadulterated truth to yet another a cop:

Yes, officer, I’m teaching English in your country illegally. Yes, officer, the monthly transfers into my bank account aren’t enough to live on, even here. Yes officer, I fully intend to marry this psycho bit... I mean, uh... fine woman. 

I was so close to freedom from the inquisition, yet I had to remind myself that even as the doorknob turned, I would not be truly liberated until our apartment door had closed and the officers’ footsteps had faded down the hallway. Despite the years of practice I’d had with my dad, after our visit from Novi Sad’s boys in blue, I started feeling unsure of how long I could maintain my smokescreen of half-truths and one-word answers to authority figures. I began to entertain the idea of leaving Serbia before my next 90-day period came to an end. I knew full well that thanks to Zs. I had a fiancée visa which lasted a year, but after years of “tourist” trips across borders and back, 90 days had become my default measurement of time.

When such questions came from behind the glass that shielded one of my fellow countrymen at the U.S. Embassy in Belgrade, I started thinking that even they didn’t want me to stay. Zs. had to visit the embassy multiple times as part of the application process for the scholarship she would eventually win to study in the United States. I don’t remember why they called me over during one of her visits, but I do remember the man behind the glass looking at Zs., looking back and me, then asking, “Did you marry her yet?” 

I felt like I was on an episode of a popular “life unscripted” TV show where the contestants (if you can call them that) have 90 days to get married before one has to leave whichever country they’re in. 90 days isn’t enough time to know if a job’s a good fit, or if a commitment you made to drop extra pounds has become a lifestyle change, let alone if a person’s a good match to spend the rest of your life with. Sure, the contestants’ day-to-day activities, fights, and occasional intimate moments might make interesting fodder for the masses who’d rather watch navigate their lives instead of living their own, but you’d be hard-pressed to convince me that contestants’ lives didn’t really start until the cameras stopped. 

The producers of those so-called unscripted shows know this, but they’re still laughing all the way to the bank. They’re betting their audiences would prefer sitting back, cracking open a White Claw (or munching on a bowl of movie theater butter popcorn), and watching someone else’s relationship Hindenburg to working on themselves. it’s easier to indulge in the hard seltzer craze, pretend to care about koala colonies threatened Australian bushfires, or flex to your friends about how much you love your new sheets made from ethically-obtained cotton than it is to unplug the Wi-Fi and really try to fix your life. Zs.’s favorite “life unscripted” show was about brides-to-be trying to find the right wedding dress. I wonder why that was?

I know these shows exist because I’m just as guilty of watching them as anyone else. Some moments make me cringe, others make me cry, and a third grouping makes me want to yell at the television about what I hadn’t seen as much as what I had, thanks to some magical, manipulative editing. 

Perhaps the best approach is to take life one day at a time, whether you’re battling an addiction, trying to put on a pretty face for the camera, or take one off after the lights have gone down. Either way, the show must go on. 

[sweetredcherryblossomtree]

Moving in with your bf should be fun, great, wonderful. 

Except I haven’t actually had any time with just him in this apartment. And he keeps going over to his friend’s place which is 30 min away and he may not even come back tonight because he is “sick” but he’ll probably just pass out instead. Which is whatever, you know? This place needs to be unpacked but my mom and my sister are still here. And my mom JUST remembered that she needed my birth certificate to validate my health insurance except it was due either yesterday or today but funny enough, I can’t find it??? It is in a gray folder that I clearly remember someone asking if it was important to pack and me saying “yeah” but I don’t remember who the person was? If it was Zach, it’d be in one of his boxes, if it was my mom, it would be in one of mine. Except my mom is a ditz and I don’t know if it’s from age or her medication but it’s getting to me. My mom and my sister are also barely helping me unpack or even find my stupid birth certificate. I’m half convinced that I don’t even have it here honestly. Like, they’ll just come and watch me unpack and I’ll drop hints that help would be cool but nah. My sister may help for a minute but then she’ll get bored and then take a nap in MY bed ((:

And I can’t say or do anything because they are both paying hundreds of dollars for me which is horrifying. Like my mom is saying it’s all for my birthday which I honestly forgot was a thing because I’ve been so stressed. I had a job interview on my birthday and I FORGOT ABOUT IT AND DIDN’T GO. It was for one of my all time favorite stores too so I’m just SCREAMING. 

Oz also ate part of the carpet in the sunroom which is....fucking fantastic. The lights in my bathroom also are shitty so applying my make up is a challenge because the color saturation is so off?? AND THERE ARE BOXES EVERYWHERE BUT NO ONE WILL HELP ME UNPACK???? Like Zach got pissed off that my mom wasn’t helping me but he isn’t really either and it’s his place too??? Also, I’m sketched out that we won’t pay the rent on time (ITS DUE TOMORROW??) I have my half but I can’t afford Zach’s half also so like, this isn’t fucking working out already or something? Like wtf. Idk. I’m just angry. I love my mom and my sister but my mom get’s annoying to deal with after 2 days because she doesn’t understand my need to be alone. So she’ll just find me, sit beside me and talk about things she talks about all the time or stuff that is just...stupid. Like she believes everything she reads on her online christian sites and it’s annoying because she won’t believe me when I say none of it is fact for the most part?? And she’ll try to have these conversations with me while I’m listening to a video or music or even trying to sleep and I just can’t handle this. 

On the brightside, while this place isn’t as pretty as Wilmington, it’s pretty neat. Everything is conveniently nearby. I mean everything. Our apartment is like in the best location ever. This city is also giant and all my favorite stores in the world are concentrated in one area and I love it. Plus the mountains are two hours away and it’s already pretty hilly here too. Downtown is beautiful. And there is so much to do here? And aside from some minor things, our apartment is fucking amazing. It’s newly renovated and pretty and there is so much space. I have my own room and huge closet and my own bathroom and so much cabinet space! Oz even has his own room technically and I’m going to train him to be free roam so hopefully he’ll be fully cage free within a year or two. Also, there is valet trash pick up??? AT YOUR FRONT DOOR??? You just leave your trash outside at a certain time of the night and then IT VANISHES by the morning??? HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT??? I HATE TAKING OUT THE TRASH THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL THING FOR THIS PLACE TO OFFER. We have huge windows and while it is very shady,there still is enough sunlight to please me. Everything is so nice? Compared to my old piece of shit apartment?

Also, we bought hay for Oz when we got here but it was walmart hay because it was the only store open and I had a terrible allergic reaction to it. Like I was so miserable and even claritin wouldn’t clear it up but I switched him to a new type of hay and he likes it and I’m not allergic to it???? IT IS A MIRACLE. It’s just harder to get in bulk but I’ll figure that out! But I just want my mom and sister to leave (((: I am so done with them. It’s not even funny. And I’m kind of upset because this place is still a clusterfuck but Zach wants us to go visit his mom on Tuesday??? TOMORROW??? For like 2 days???? And have his friend come over and feed Oz but like this place isn’t fit in any way. And he hasn’t started applying for jobs?? I started 3 weeks ago but he hasn’t even made his resume and I’m just...screaming. I love Zach, I do, but I’m still screaming. 

[kristie-rp]

Promise

Triggers: Suicide mention, drug mention, overdose mention, prostitution, gun mention, kidnapping

“I’ll take care of you,” she had promised. She can’t regret the oath, but she does regret what it drove her to, the desperate need to prove she could keep the promise.

Kara gets into prostitution because her little brother is eleven when the last of their parents vanish. She is seventeen, and she knows enough to be aware that the big motivator in Blacklight is money, and when her dad ran out, this is what happens: there’s no point trying to force a payment from a man with his head barely above water. She knows without a body being found that he is dead. Kara has her savings, her college fund, and that’s it. It’s not enough for two kids to live off, and her part-time job at a clothing store isn’t going to keep them afloat, and no one she wants her brother anywhere near is going to hire an eleven year old.

So – so she starts to prostitute herself, an amateur working cheap by Blacklight standards. She learns how much to charge without drawing complaints, she learns how to balance senior year and ‘work’, and she learns that many clients will pay more for the thrill of her being so much younger than the average whore. Enable a fetish and the cash goes up, enough to pay for school, for food, for a roof. At eighteen she gets sole custody of Lionel, legally, without complaint. She fucks the judge to get it through quick, once they get caught by the system.

She spends too long in the bathroom, driving the water bill up and up and scrubbing her skin raw in an attempt to get clean. Lionel is twelve, and she’s learned enough now to know how to draw lines, how to enforce them without losing clients. He knows what she does, he knows how much she hates it, but she doesn’t bring her work home and he can’t complain, however much he might want to.

Eighteen is when the pimp for her district finds out about her working solo, cutting into his profits. Eighteen is when  Craig gets his hands on her, and really, he’s not so bad, except taking off some of her profits. She explains to him her situation, barely thinking it’ll work but convinced it’s worth a try – and he listens. He gives her specific times to work, promises he’ll take only ten percent, a fixed rate. It’s – it’s not good, but it’s not bad, she’s got repeat clients who are sleazier than Craig.

And then Faust finds out about her.

“So you’re the infamous Caramel,” are his first words to her.

She’s standing as still as she knows how, wearing something revealing beneath a heavy, cheap coat. She’s going for allure, even though she’s just a little too far from curvy for the effect to work as she intends; this is her ‘uniform’, what she wears when she’s out during the hours Craig assigns.

“I’m whoever you need me to be, baby,” she says. Her voice is a rasp, quiet, but not subdued. There is a confidence in her tone that many whores have lost by the end of their first year – but she cannot afford to become less of a person, not with Lionel at home depending on her, not with so many people willing to take advantage of her.

Faust circles like a vulture, and she knows she is being judged. She keeps her eyes partially shut, as though heavily lidded, and watches him with pursed lips painted  in a discounted dark pink. He’s not actually that old at this point, though definitely older than her – she guesses him to be around thirty, much younger than her year-dead father. He’s not bad looking, either. It won’t be a struggle to act like she likes it when he inevitably goes down on her, even if what follows is her usual routine of scathing hot water and too-long in the shower, worrying a brother who is getting more and more withdrawn in turn.

“I’ll pay you triple,” he says at last, “to stay overnight. I get twenty-five percent of your cut from clients who aren’t me.”

Kara raises a brow at him. “Craig might have something to say about that.” She doesn’t say that this is a rip off, that she’s not going to jump ship from her fantastic deal just because he offers better pay to start

Faust’s smile is soft, but there’s something in his eyes that stands out to her – something dangerous. Something that tells her this man is not a nice man, as if she hadn’t guessed from an awareness of who he is. “Craig can’t say much once he’s dead.”

Her blood runs cold, but she steps closer to him. He doesn’t back down; she runs a hand up his chest and grips the gaudy tie he is wearing, something only a Blacklight local would like. She doesn’t smile, but she peers at him from beneath the fake eyelashes she is wearing only for this meeting. The effect is that she is playing coy, with any luck. “Whatever you say, boss,” she breathes, and drags him down to kiss her.

She can never pick out individual moments of her time with Faust, not in hindsight. It’s either a self-defence mechanism or a consequence of everything blurring together.

After that first meeting with her, he puts a pimp, loyal to him and more obedient than Craig proved to be, in charge of the whores. The new pimp is an asshole in every way except physically; he does not do anything that might bruise. But the verbal and psychological, the demeaning, the ripping off all of them – Kara is the only one whose cut never changes, because she is not afraid to talk money with Faust, and she talked him into writing up a contract that means he takes a profit from her, not the new pimp, and only a set amount. It’s not good, and for the first time she wonders if maybe things with Craig were better than she thought – and those drained her of everything she had.

If she believed in gods, this would be about where she’d start praying.

She comes home the day of her brothers fourteenth birthday with a little cake and a spring in her step, for once. Faust has promised her the weekend off, written it into another contract in what she knows is both a power play and a source of amusement for him; his little whore with her obsession with promises being kept. She doesn’t care that he mocks her for this, because promises are the only thing she can keep.

“Hey, Li? You home?”

The front door is locked, but not deadlocked; she knows he is. He’s good at keeping safe, good at following rules a lot of people in Blacklight take for granted or ignore. Kara smiles to herself: it’s a Friday, and she doesn’t have to do any work until Monday, and this is going to be a weekend just for her and Lionel. She’s got some money stowed away, enough that they can rent a car – dads being long since gone – and get out of Blacklight, just for the weekend. Never has she been happier her brother is a summer born child; they can go somewhere with a pool, or somewhere on the sea. They haven’t seen it since the summer before their dad was killed, and it’s finally time – in her opinion – to move on.

The house is quiet, though. She figures Lionel has earphones in, because the budget ones that came with his phone are the best sound system they have. He saved for ages to get that thing, scrounging together the change from Kara sending him grocery shopping and the neighbours paying him to pay the lawn until he could afford a Nokia and a memory card, the better to store music on. He loves his music, and his dream is to go to a concert; there aren’t any on this year that he’s interested in, or she would be taking him to it. “Boys and their toys,” she murmurs to herself, fond. She’s been busy, forced to work more lately by Faust and the twenty-five percent, and she’s been looking forward to this for ages, both for the company of Lionel, and for herself. Too much Blacklight breaks people, after all.

She sticks some candles in the little cake, lights them and heads into the further reaches of the apartment. It’s a shoebox, but she can make rent more often than not, and they each have their own rooms, for better or worse. She starts humming the timeless classic in her usual almost-croak, long since over how a husky voice does not lend itself well to singing. Still, she sings anyway, a loud “Happy birthday to you,” that cuts off as she drops the cake in the doorway.

Lionel is collapsed on the floor, and she only prevents a fire because her bare foot stamps out the candles before the ancient carpet can catch fire. Her panic blocks out the stab of pain, and she dives to her knees beside her little brother, feeling for a pulse before grasping for his phone, dropped on a stack of pamphlets, dialling emergency services because it’s that or nothing, and she can’t handle doing nothing.

The paramedics ask her more questions than she can answer. Oh, she can answer the standard lot – medical insurance, none; patients name, Lionel Darcy St Claire; patients age, fourteen; patients date of birth, today; emergency contact, Kara St Claire – but when they ask her if he’s been showing symptoms of anything, she cannot answer. “I work a lot,” she explains, but it feels feeble to her ears, and she feels judged for this more than anything else.

Their weekend away turns into a weekend in the hospital, and the money she has saved to make the weekend worth more than most is set aside for hospital bills. Kara spends Friday night sitting vigil at his bedside, Saturday with her head in her hands and shoulders hunched, and Sunday is when someone finally decides to tell her what’s going on. There’s an excess of something in his system – something that usually results from an overdose of opioids , of painkillers.

“There weren’t any pills anywhere near him,” she says, something nagging at the back of her mind.

The doctor gives a tight smile, sympathy heavy in his eyes. “It can take a week or longer for the overdose to show any observable effects to others, especially if he’s trying to hide them,” he informs her. “This isn’t your fault,” he says, “but his liver is shutting down. Chances are that there’s nothing you could’ve done – we’ve had a lot of suicides lately. It’s unlikely that he will last out the week.”

It’s not reassuring, not at all. She gives the doctor a look that says as much, then closes her eyes. She wants to cry, but she hasn’t done that, not in years, teardrops burning away from the inside out under scalding hot water. She hears the doctor leave, but she stays there, still, with her brother and the beeping of the machines that are, apparently, doing nothing but delaying the inevitable.

She falls asleep in the armchair beside the bed, curled in on herself as though having any more warmth will make this all go away. When her phone winks onto standby after she has fallen asleep, it closes on a Google search result, the top few links showing they’ve been clicked.

is cremation cheaper than burial blacklight usa

Lionel, it turns out, has been having a much harder time than she has been aware. She reaches out to the boy she remembers as his best friend, and it is only herself, him, his sister, and two former classmates who liked having Lionel paired with them for group work come to the pathetic service she holds. She doesn’t believe in god or gods, never has, and while Lionel liked the idea of the comfort divine answers might bring, he didn’t believe either. So she can’t bring herself to hire some religious man to preach something she doesn’t believe, even if it might make the sting any less painful.

She leads the lot of them to the roof of the shoebox apartment she doesn’t need any longer but can’t bring herself to leave, high above the second-storey place she manages to afford. It’s a hideous rooftop, but the building itself is nine storeys, and the view isn’t awful. There’s a barbecue and some cushions discarded up here, an esky that’s more often empty than not, and on afternoons when Kara didn’t have to work and he found himself in the mood, they would sit up here and talk about nothing and everything.

It’s the place most attached to him that brings the least amount of pain, now.

“Don’t you want to say something? In his memory, or something?” the friend asks, when they’re standing there with the urn that holds all that remains of her brothers body. His name is Alex; he’s the most harmless person Kara knows, now. Certainly the most naive and the most delusional. His parents are moving the family to New Brightside, on the other side of Port Lyndon to Blacklight, before the end of the year, chasing job opportunities they’re lucky to have been offered. Kara cannot resent them for their escape, because she hates this city, this city that breaks the people who least deserve it; but she can add them leaving to the list of reasons she has started to write up about

Everything Kara wants to say has been said already, to a brother trapped in a medically induced coma until his liver finally gave out, because Blacklight is no different to America and doesn’t allow euthanasia.

“I remember,” she says quietly, “the summer before mom died. Li – Lionel was four. He was turning four, four years old, can you imagine? And he was – he was so damn happy. I was ten, I thought I was so damn cool, and I really, really wasn’t.

“We went to the coast for a long weekend, I think Independence Day fell on a Monday that year. And there were these teenagers there, probably – probably as old as you guys are now. Thirteen, fourteen, not old at all. I thought they were the most amazing people I’d ever met, and I was such a jackass to Li on the first day, wanting to impress them. Then, on that night, we had this little family campfire, just the four of us, and dad gave me this lecture about not being mean to my brother, about how it was my responsibility to look after him. About how I’d regret not being nice, sooner or later.

“And Lionel, he just – he got up and he sat next to me and he interrupted dad, this four year old, and he says, dead serious, ‘Kara just wanted new friends’. He didn’t hold a grudge at all, it hadn’t even upset him that I was such a – a selfish person. And I know, I know kids don’t understand that at all, they’d never see it as selfish, but usually, you know, the fact that they’re four gets to them first, and they’re all ‘my way is the only way’. But Lionel,” and she laughs faintly, bitterly, fondly; “Lionel just – skipped that stage. And it didn’t change. It never started.

“Blacklight needs more people like that,” she finished, swallowing, choking on the emotion welling up in her throat.

The service ends with everyone sad, the only dry eye Kara’s, and only because she forces it. She’s still clutching the urn, though she plans on emptying it. It’s useless to her, just another thing to decorate the apartment, but it feels more important than that. After all, it’s her little brother in her arms. So she shuts down the thoughts that have been driving her crazy, the ones insisting a pot of ash shouldn’t mean anything, that an unmarked grave would be worth more to her.

But it’s Lionel. He’s all she’s had for three years now, he’s the reason she’s a lower class citizen, and she promised she’d take care of him. She swore.

I’ve never broken a promise before, she thinks, and then flinches from the thought, closes her eyes to it, refuses to acknowledge it again.

She’s got work, anyway. This – this debate can wait.

Kara is three months from her twenty-first birthday when she finds out she’s pregnant.

It isn’t much of a discovery, really. It’s actually impressive it hasn’t happened sooner – she’s heard horror stories of clients and pimps sabotaging others’ birth control, which is why she takes her prescribed pills meticulously, always made sure she has a supply even when money gets tight. That’s something that doesn’t happen much, not anymore, she’s even got savings.

And, apparently, a child on the way.

Maybe I should consider those god things again, she thinks as she wraps and dumps the test. It’d certainly explain the number of things that are fucking with me.

Still – still. She’s been alone for long enough that a bastard child sounds like a good idea, or at least one she doesn’t want to dismiss out of hand. She puts a lot of thought into the technicalities, makes lists and checks them twice.

In reality, her mind is made up the second that little plus sign shows up – the planning comes with the knowledge that a whore isn’t going to make the kind of mother she wants to be.

“You have a daughter,” is what the midwife says, smiling warmly at Kara. Kara is exhausted, feels sweat soaked and disgusting, and there are textbooks at home she is supposed to be revising, unable to take time off even for this – she’s taken advantage of the break from whoring (“Can’t very well have you giving birth in the middle of a good fuck,” he had insisted, which was crass but meant she got time off from wor) to pick up the business course she found in the pamphlets in her brothers’ room, all those years ago. “Would you like to hold her?”

“Please,” Kara says immediately, tired and almost pleading, reaching for the infant. The midwife laughs, more open and affectionate than anyone Kara has spent time with in a long time, and gently arranges the baby in her arms.

“Have you decided on a name for her, yet?”

Kara hums. She’s staring at her new child, at her family, wonder in her wide green eyes. The baby has blonde hair on her head, like Kara’s, and her eyes, for the moment, are shut as she doses. She’s a beautiful little girl, bundled into the blanket and onesie the maternity ward provides. Kara is absolutely certain she’s never going to make anything this perfect again, and immediately feels immensely guilty that she’s stuck picking up on the whoring again just as soon as Faust tires of her sabbatical. All the more reason to finish this business course, to pick up on dreams she had back in high school, that, apparently, Lionel remembered in the week before he succumbed to his suicide attempt.

(She still doesn’t know what caused it, or what she missed, if she could have stopped it. She constantly faces what-ifs and dreams and nightmares of possibilities, subconscious images so realistic she wakes up waiting to tell Lionel about it – and then the memories hit and she curls back up, chokes back the emotion, refuses the tears she still hasn’t shed. But what-ifs are useless and the past cannot be changed: Blacklight breaks people. She has known this all her life.)

“Darcy Artemis St Claire,” she answers the midwife at last, leaning down to kiss her little girls forehead. Darcy feels right, which she didn’t expect, but it just – it suits the person in her arms, belongs to her in a way Kara has heard some mothers’ say is possible, but didn’t believe. The midwife says something about paperwork and vanishes to find it, pulling the crib over so Kara can put her baby to bed, if she chooses.

When she’s alone with Darcy, Kara presses her lips to the top of her babies’ head yet again. “You’re going to be brilliant,” she murmurs, almost silent. “You’re not going to have a life like mine. I’ll never let you feel alone, I promise. You’re never going to have to swear yourself to – to someone like Faust or Craig or anyone else. I swear, Darcy. We don’t know each other well yet, but we will, and it is going to be fantastic. I promise you.”

She should learn to keep her mouth shut.

Darcy opens her eyes more and more, and there’s something familiar in them. It’s only once Kara is forced to go back to work, cajoling the elderly neighbour into caring for Darcy for the few hours she has to be gone, that she figures it out.

She’s lying in bed with Faust, waiting for him to tell her she can get out, go home, collect her pay direct to a bank account she always transfers the money straight out of, when it comes to her. Darcy doesn’t have her eyes, but they’ve always been familiar. Kara has a lot of regulars, people she’s seen since coming back to work.

“She’s got your eyes,” she blurts without thinking, and immediately starts cursing herself out internally, more than she usually does. She promised Darcy she’d never owe herself to someone like Faust, and here she is, piquing his curiosity.

“I’m not giving you alimony. Keep your bastard child away from me,” he instructs.

She immediately wants to leap to her daughters defence, but she stops herself. She doesn’t want him in Darcy’s life, after all – she promised Darcy, and she’s never going to know that this one time, Kara didn’t defend her. “I don’t want your hush money,” she snaps, getting out from the bed he fucked her in.

She feels dirty, but that’s normal, after any time spent with Faust at all – any time spent working at all. She’s almost finished her course, though, and then she can work on starting a store, the way she wanted to as a teen.  She’s almost out. Finally.

Kara isn’t exactly counting down the days, but she is closer to relieved than she’s felt for a long time.

“What’s this I hear,” Faust says, speaking very slowly, “about you studying?”

He says it like it’s a dirty word, but it’s Kara who is alarmed. She’s got a contract with him that doesn’t say it, but everyone knows that once Faust has you, you don’t get out. The contract doesn’t say it, but everyone knows the rules: no studying, no betterment of yourself, no terminating your employment. Whores get out only once they’re too old to be appealing, businesspeople get out when they can payout more than Faust thinks they are worth, mercs don’t get out.

The exception is when they get dead.

Who told you, is the first question on her tongue, but she doesn’t ask. Even if he answers, it won’t do her any good. “It doesn’t say anything in my contract about me not being allowed to pursue other uses of my time, as long as it doesn’t impact my earnings. It hasn’t, therefore, you have no reason to be like this.” She folds her arms over her chest, the better to hide her fisted hands.

He laughs, long and loud and cruel. “Your contract means nothing. I maintain the terms because it amuses me, but if you are betraying me, Caramel, then you need to be punished. You’re nothing more than a particularly pretty slut, spreading your legs for whatever cash you can get your hands on.”

Kara hates that name, but she freezes, and cannot move. He raises a hand and two men come in, along with a woman she’s barely aware of, some other whore, one of the older ones – one of the broken ones.

“Do it,” he instructs.

The men get between the two women, but it’s the woman who catches Kara’s attention. She’s tiny and hunched and doesn’t have an ounce of confidence in her movements – and she’s walking right for the room where Darcy is sleeping.

“What are you doing?” Kara exclaims, lunging forward. One of the men grab her wrist, the better to prevent her from moving.

“You want to take one of my toys away?” Faust sneers. Kara has never wanted to attack him as much as she does now. “I will take yours. After all, she’s half mine, isn’t she? What was it you said – she has my eyes.”

In the other room, the woman must have picked up Darcy; the baby starts to cry. There are quiet shushing sounds, but they don’t work – Kara and the neighbour are the only people who can get her to be quiet, once she starts crying. Kara doesn’t know if it’s a temperament thing or what, but she doesn’t mind, not as long as she can get there to stop it. “No,” she gasps, then repeats it louder, wrenching out of the grip of the lackey, “No! Don’t you dare, don’t even think about it, I’ll – I’ll go to the police, or I’ll hire someone to get you, Faust, just watch me – get off me – don’t touch her!”

The last shout comes from the older whore showing the wailing infant to Faust. And – yes, okay, he’s the source of the sperm that made Darcy possible, but he’s not her father, and he looks at the baby as though she is some new plaything. Figures, Kara will think later, but for now, she is too panicked, too defensive, too amped up to do anything. “Stop that,” he tells Darcy, but if anything it only makes her cry louder. He rolls his eyes and dismisses both the whore and the baby with a wave of his hand, and Kara is reminded again of how offended she was, when she realised who made her daughter possible. “You, too. Stop it,” he orders, not even looking at the crying child. “The police won’t act against me, and no one you could find would dare go against me. I own this city, I own you, and now, I own your daughter.”

“Fuck you, Faust,” she spits, tugging ineffectually against the grip of the merc. One of them shifts behind her, not that she can see it, and lifts something. Faust nods in front of her, and she opens her mouth to keep protesting, to keep yelling, to talk sense into the man who is kidnapping a baby he wanted nothing to do with less than a year ago.

Only something soft goes over her mouth and nose, muffling her shouts, and when she inhales the air is sickly sweet. Her eyes go wider, and she’s at once disgusted and horrified and incensed, but it doesn’t mean anything. After all – she isn’t immune to chloroform.

His words are a premonition:

The police do nothing. He has half a claim on a child, and if she can’t keep it safe from one little home invader, clearly she isn’t fit for custody, and less than a tenth of the police force in Blacklight aren’t in Faust’s pocket –

She can’t hire anyone to help. She doesn’t have the money, and she doesn’t trust the sort of people she could hire, and one in maybe every two hundred residents of Blacklight would maybe consider doing something that will piss off Faust –

There’s no one who will volunteer to help. She knows people who might not like Faust’s methods, but they are quiet and constrained and won’t act against him, and she couldn’t ask them to anyway, not without becoming as bad as him (which, honestly, wouldn’t be that bad, if she got her baby back) –

His words are a challenge:

He says he owns her, but she refuses to be owned by someone who no longer has anything over her. He took her daughter, and she’s not powerful enough to right the wrong, not yet –

But he can’t do anything worse to her now, so why should she listen to a word he says?

“Y’know,” X says. He’s a hulking figure, leaning against the glass cabinet she’s  fixing the display of, completely at home in the meticulously kept almost-open store. “when we met, I didn’t think you’d end up at this point.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, common whore – no offence – to the owner of a gun store? It’s almost a 180.”

Kara snorts, because that’s the best she can offer while she’s got her hands on an engraved Colt. She rests it gently on the cushion and slides the drawer shut, locking it tight before she looks up at him. “Says the guy who gave me the idea in the first place.”

“You were at a gun show, of course that’s why I thought you were there. It’s that or you’re a gun bunny.”

“That’s not a thing,” she says drily, because he’s been trying to make it a thing at least as long as she’s known him. He hasn’t succeeded, not yet. She’s not going to let him – at least, not around her. Not on her corner of this cesspool.

“It’s totally a thing.”

She scoffs hard enough that her throat feels raw, and almost chokes on nothing. He pushes the bottle of water on the counter towards her, raises a brow at her. “Thanks,” she says, once she’s got it down without coughing anything up.

“Don’t mention it,” he says. Then it’s his turn to laugh, and roll his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re thanking me for.”

There are a lot of things. She met X at a dark point in her life, and while things haven’t gotten any lighter, she still constantly feels as though she owes him. “Closing your shop to come help me open, obviously,” she says, but it’s only one of a much longer list.

He knows. The smile he gives her is soft, and he leans across the counter to tap her nose. “You’re going to figure it all out,” he says, “I know it.”

She manages a smile back at him. It’s hard to believe – but it means the world that he does already. Apparently, it’s just what friends do – and she’s been missing out.

[kpsoa97xs-blog]

Whats the average cost of insurance on an 2006 audi a4 for a 18 year old guy ?

Whats the average cost of insurance on an 2006 audi a4 for a 18 year old guy ?

im looking at an audi a4 used 2006 an i m 18. Its a 4 door and its automatic but it has a luxury feel to it so i just wanted to know what the average or an estimate of how much the monthly insurance is ? Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecostfinder.xyz

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[zroeriws-blog]

Can I drive my mom’s car if I don’t have insurance?

Can I drive my mom s car if I don t have insurance?

She s sick and I need to get to school. I have my license but I m not under her insurance policy (Encompass)

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insureoptionsreview.top

SOURCES:

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Access to a life insurance policy?

Access to a life insurance policy?

Can you get access to a life insurance policy your parents opened for you as a child? Are there penalties for closing it or can you get ahold of the money for my own use?

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SOURCES:

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