#truly disgusting 😭 okay but why am i sad?

[hermit-frog]

[starsofang]

you deserve hell fire for this chapter. my emotions are everywhere. do you get off on pain? do you hate me? do you hate your other readers? do you hate the 141? do you hate dove? DO YOU HATE HAPPINESS???

The description of Graves is absolutely and utterly fucking disgusting and I feel like puking reading about it so thank you for that angie 😐 how dare you let him put his hands on dove????? HE GRABBED AND AND PUSHED HER TO THE GROUND. “She’s getting kicked down repeatedly.” - You in my Dm’s 2 days ago. I DIDNT KNOW YOU MEANT LITERALLY😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 WHAT IS WDONG WITH YOU😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 He put his nasty foot on her which okay first off, he needs to kill himself in the most violent way possible.

Im going to off on a nursing rant here because whenever I see injured mentioned in fanfiction my little nurse brain becomes happy. The pressure he would’ve had to put on her to actually crack and or break her rib is insane. People think it’s easy to break a rib but in reality ribs are protecting the heart, lungs and multiple other very needed organs. They NEED to be strong. He would’ve had to been practically stepping on her, he needed to be meaning to break her rib. Not to mention the healing process of broken ribs is excruciating. Anyways….

I come to your unholy abode to murder you with my screaming of how fucking amazing the chapter was despite my crying. The way they were worried about her, the way they were truly showing that she meant something to them and they weren’t just heartless brutes. I mean WE knew that but did she?? The wayJohn Fucking Price YELLS AND THREATENS GRAVES. THE WAY HE KNEW HOW TO HIT A NERVE. THE WAY HE COULD SHOW POWER EVEN WITH A GUN TO HIS HEAD. GIVE ME HIM NOW. MY LEGS ARW WIDE OPEN.

AND GAZ😭😭 “Talk to me, dove, I’m right here, focus on me.” WHAT THE FUCK😭😭 He worries so much about her, he fucking adores her and that’s what I love about Gaz and how you write him you crazy maniac. And as much as I would love to continue to speak about him let me skirt over to the fucking telescope. Why. why???? why would you sit here, make us think that the telescope was a sweet gift and even tease us with a kiss and the have graves STEAL IT?? THE LEAST YOU COULDVE DONE WAS GIVE US THAT DAMN KISS.???? My notes are progressively getting longer because I actually had typed out my opinion on the prophecy in my docs and i even MENTIONED the telescope before I was like “nah that doesn’t make sense.” YOY GASLIGHTED ME. WHAT DOES HE WANT WITH THAT DAMB THING.

THEM IMMEDIATELY GOING TO HER😭😭 GHOST FEELINGS GUILTY AND PRICE HATING WHAT HAPPENED😭😭 “We need a medic.” “She’s the medic!” That’s weirdly heartbreaking in a way that I could not put into words. Them all turning around hesitantly and not because they wan’t to be weirdos but because they are all so confused and concerned and don’t want to take their eyes off her. ESPECIALLY SOAP😭

Something is going to happen whilst they are on land looking for a doctor🤷🏼‍♀️ I just know you a bit too well by now.

THE KISS. THE KISS. THE KISS. THE KISS. ARE YOU GUYS HEARING ME. THE FUCKING KISS. HE GOT TO HER FIRST DESPITE EVERYTHING. “As long as I’m first.” OKAY SO MAYBE FUCK ME PLEASE?????????? HE STAYED WITH HER😭 SHE IS EVERYTHING TO THEM😭😭

IM KILLING YOU ANGIE😭😭😭😭

here comes my biggest opp 🙄

to be fair, i did warn u. in my own words, i said she got fucked up, i meant that shit. it’s my dream to write angst 😍 fun fact rlly fun fact i have a crush on cod graves so i had to make him as despicable as possible in this fic so i dont start to trip over him

i am no nurse, im working in a pharmacy for my degree (slay) but BOY DO I KNOW THAT SHIT HURTS. im the clumsiest person alive and ive broken so many bones that it’s sad atp. SO SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS THE EXTENT OF A FRACTURE ESPECIALLY TO THE RIBS BECAUSE MY GOD THAT SHIT FEELS LIKE YOURE BREATHING THRU A JUICEBOX, PLS i had to make dove suffer as i have

THE ROOM SCENE WITH ALL OF THEM WAS MY FAVORITE TO WRITE UGHHHH FINALLY HAVING THEM ALL CONVERSING AS ONE AND SHARING THEIR WORRIES 😫 like a steak dinner istg

(i make no promises for next chapter, or the ones upcoming) (i have not planned it yet)

THE KISS I TOLD YOU TO TRUST MEEEE WHEN HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN. u were going crazy in my dms threatening murder and look here we are. u got ur wish. never falter in ur trust in me bc everybody knows by now when i say trust you trust 🗣️

also absolutely hearing you out on price. he’s a damn fine sir in this fic. it makes me hungry. i did it all for u.

I LOVE YOUUU 😜

[xb0rder-7inex]

It literally disgusts me to think of crying over him after all that happened so sitting with the anxiety is my only option and sometimes unbearable. I worry I will fall back into that weakness but I will try my hardest not to let myself. I hate being borderline because I never know if feeling fine is a true recovery or just the cycle.

I'm not thinking about kms anymore and that's a huge improvement because I was suic*dal for six weeks. And I attempted and it failed and I felt the same way for two days afterwards for not being successful and then I just didn't feel that way anymore. I started looking at my life as something to grow into, and putting less focus on what I'm losing. I'm honestly feeling kind of weird about adding him back again after this. I might do it and just not react to him at all and see what he does. I feel like it's just going to be a lot of blocking right now and that he has no intentions of trying to see me. It is a lot of emotional abuse just like the last time.

I think if he ever wants me to love him again he's going to have to try harder. My circumstances are so different this time. I'm doing it all alone and literally have nothing left to lose lmao. Which kind of gives me an upper hand emotionally.

I'm scared but I get to build something that's mine. I really don't think I'll be blocked long but knowing I have bigger things to focus on and a routine to keep me occupied makes it okay anyway.

I'm just going to post here every time I have a feeling instead of wasting my energy splitting on him because it's not worth the reactive abuse.

I like that I'm doing it alone because I'm not being influenced by anything anybody is telling me. It's filtered directly into what he's showing me and I have no idea why he's having a tantrum and trying to be really emotionally controlling but I imagine it's because he's frustrated even though he's literally the one who put us in this position lol.

I'm going to keep documenting because court is months away and it isn't over until it's over lol. I'm not putting labels on him at all this time because I don't need to scare myself like that. He just has very toxic and abusive traits that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. And that's a yikes for me. Because how much fucking character development have I done in the last six months. Very steady therapy every single week, and I started a mood stabilizer this year. The fact that I'm not even reacting to him blocking me is a huge win.

I truly am just shocked that after everything he didn't change one single little bit at all. Truly taken aback. To know I lost everything and tried to kill myself and to not care is really gross.

I'm not even trauma bonded anymore I don't think. All I feel is anxiety and I think that's normal. I'm not even sad lol. I'm a little bit angry but not enough to split on him. Disappointed but not surprised? Yep.

The peace feels strange after a year and a half of chaos. It's the mood stabilizer for sure. If it's working for me like this to keep my emotions actually level for once then this drug is going to change my life because I can separate my real feelings from my borderline feelings 😭

If I can remain unreactive to him then I will have become the woman I've always wanted to fucking be. I've never ever been a woman who didn't react. I'd love to be that woman.

I'm still not overly optimistic three days after my attempt, my life is still pretty bland and boring, but for the first time maybe ever I feel like my emotions are moving in a straight line and that really excites me because I can trust a feeling that lasts.

There is a downside to that in that it manifested itself in darkness first because I had never felt so heavily depressed and that stable at the same time. So I knew I WAS ready to kms because that feeling didn't waver for six weeks. It's been two full days that I've felt neutral about this decision and I feel like I can probably trust this feeling too.

That day was obviously ridiculously traumatizing but it changed something in me. I am having some pretty intense PTSD flashbacks which are extremely uncomfortable so I try to repress it and Ive always been pretty good at deleting memories so it's working lol. I only remember it when I have flashbacks now which I know will subside eventually. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know that I ever will be I think that's something I probably want to keep to myself because it was so real, so so real. Just so impulsive but so so ready to go.

I also just remembered that that's the last time I reacted to him blocking me. The last time I reacted, I tried to kms, and then I got out of the hospital and I stopped reacting to him blocking me. I stopped swearing at him. I truly and genuinely stopped caring. And what an odd feeling. To have gone from loving someone so much like that to truly feeling nothing for them at all.

I'm going to continue to journal here as much as I need to in order to cope with the anxiety. I'm not even forcing myself to say that I don't love him or don't miss him. He is abusing me right now and all I can control is how I react to it.

My goal is calmness. To be neutral. To be unattached and mindful.