#tried to guilt trip me into going out with him even though i hadnt even started yr 10 and he was in uni!

[potsherd]

these tags are very long and mostly abt a creep bc i feel sick enough without typing it all into the main body of a post

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[pestopascal]

what do you think with the romances in mass effect overall? i was kind of happy with andromeda in the end bu t i did miss some of the other ones

sidenote i actually got completely sidetracked with your question so let me preface with that despite a lot of grievances i do enjoy the romances and the characters, obviously, or i wouldnt still be here. yes even liara, to some degree.  not a lot but to some degree shes not the worst character ive met in a game. lots of things i would improve on or yknow. change but hey. we’re here now. rest under cut skjfdh

overall? hm. i mean................. there’s no denying that femshep got screwed over massively in the OT. i mean they were like ‘oh my god we dont have any hot aliens for femshep bc we never figured we’d get this far. lets throw a fish and a bird together and see what happens. oh but then give him terminal cancer and a son he doesnt speak to, and have him mention how much he loved his wife while you proposition him for sex’ and presented it with a lil bow on top. no wonder there were and still are soooooo many fics and art and comics out there rewriting the entire romance lmao. oh and jacob? cheats on you, knocks up another woman, names the baby after you. they wrote the black man doing that? like i know bioware is tone deaf but thats too much. and if you do decide to pursue vega? yeah. we all know what happens there. oh AND if you do decide to romance someone else in me2, after romancing kaidan in me1, he says you cheat on him. you cant call him out on it. however if you play mshep and romanced ashley then someone else, you can shut her entire conversation down. their justification btw was that, same with how kaidan doesnt use his biotics half the time anywhere like when eva core smacks him around the beginning, that it was too time consuming/expensive to rig an entirely new set of lines/interactions/everything, so it’s basically just. ashley’s stuff.

and that mass effect couldnt work out just what it wanted to be, even in the beginning, with being a new cool fancy space opera, but wait we still gotta be like. super manly. no one is gay in space. (like why bother recording the mshenko romance from me1, the mshrios one in me2, and then debating including mshakarian like hello. NEVERMIND tali, miranda, jack alone in me2 for femshep). and mshep can still pick up other romances in me3, however he can inadvertently kill his me2 love interest if he dumps them.

i love shrios. hate what happened with it. i played me2 first on ps3 (as obv me1 hadnt been ported and u didnt even get the genesis comics u got a longer questionaire with miranda and jacob), and so like if you play femshep, and say u saved kaidan.......... the game automatically looped in a romance. and i had NO idea who this bloke was, but his photo was in my cabin, and it ended up being face down lmao. i did go back to me1 eventually on the xbox, and played through with the romances but yknow. that will always be the funniest experience to me. like i love kaidan dont get me wrong but like. i had no idea who tf he was.

i think andromeda tried, but never should have promised. i mean like gil pre patch? his romance was terrible (the forced “oh i have to have a child with my straight female friend bc she guilt trips me into it and i cant imagine not having kids” or w/e it was entirely idk i just know that it was. yuck). and jaal shouldve been an option for both from the beginning bc yknow. entire species hinges on forming deep emotional relationships far removed from appearance and sexuality? but hey i mean, at least they arent a complete race of sexy blue babes so. i mean i love jaal i just ���‍♀️ @ bioware yknow. and i did romance reyes, but im still soooooo mad that his romance hinges on killing a black woman in a place of power who is doing the right thing by her people, whose story is in the prequel novel, and you dont even get to interact with to form an opinion, and is also hinted to be suffering from the effects of being in longterm cryo and just wants HELP. just basically a “if you wanna bang this dude? kill her” like. hello.

vetra though? what a fucking QUEEN i lvoe her. my sister actually romanced her on her first playthrough and then jaal and like. cried. over turning down vetra. it was adorable. also i love liams romance? so many ppl had problems with it but it was FUN and it was different and he was funny and seriously i love him with all my heart but its a crime that they were like “actually he has to be the token straight guy” like. SURE JAN.

[rocketrole-jmzc]

-

Elton had woken up to an empty bed with a blaring head ache as he always seemed to now a days. He knew he had booked a booth at the studio for the week but it was Wednesday and he knew he could get away with missing one day out of the five that he had booked. The sun was already in the middle of the sky by now and Elton cursed whoever had left the curtains open, it was too damn bright. He blindly searched his bedside table for a pill bottle popping a few painkiller managing to swallow them dry before reluctantly reopening his eyes. Lazily Elton swung his legs over the bedside and padded down toward the kitchen passing John's office on his way down. The door was shut which was seldom the case but Elton didnt think much of it. Coffee had already been brewed and Elton poured himself a cup splashing baileys into the mug and sighing as he brought it to his lips. There was a dull thud above him and Elton sighed, with his pre existing headache and sour mood he didnt want to investigate but then he heard a similar sound but louder like something had fallen. Reluctantly Elton set down the mug and made his way back up the stairs opening the door to John's office caught him off guard "Excuse me?" He shouted his brain working to hard to process what he was seeing to say something proper.

Earlier that morning John’s secretary was over delivering some paperwork. Although it was work that could easily be mailed, the two had been casually flirting for a couple weeks now and the man was going out of his way to see John. John never thought things would go this far but now he had the man pinned down against the desk, clothes discarded long ago and going at it. John and Elton had been drifting apart for months, barely talking aside from fighting, and John thought Elton was out of the house so he wasn’t being careful. When the door to the office opens his secretary quickly pushes John off of him, looking guilty and scrambling to put on his clothes. John’s slower about it; he knows he should feel guilty or embarrassed but he’s mostly just annoyed to have been interrupted. “I thought you were out,” he supplies after putting his boxers back on, working to pull on his pants and get his belt done up.

Eltons jaw sets in place as he watches the other two scramble apart his stomach lurching at the sight of his partner being unfaithful. He scoffs at the other mans words feeling his rage boiling up inside him "That all you've got to say John? Hm? Really that's all you have to say," He says his voice high and tight as he works hard to keep himself from shouting. The secretary is still scrambling to grab his things and Elton glares daggers at the young man "and you," his tone is low and feral as he addresses the secretary "Get out!" He shouts at the secretary his breathing heavy from hurt and frustration as the man scrambles away.

John watches him go then turns to Elton, his expression the same as if Elton was just a minor annoyance, or simply a mild inconvenience needing to be dealt with. “Quite frankly it’s a miracle you’re sober enough to even process what’s going on around you,” he marvels, pulling on his undershirt and beginning to do up the buttons.

Eltons eyes narrowed his heart pounding "That's it? Youre screwing your fucking secretary in /my house/ and that's all you have to fucking say John?" Hes aware hes screaming now approaching John as he speaks "How fucking long? Huh? A week? A month? Is this all the fucking work you need to do?" Elton barely stops for a breath shoving John knowing it wont help the situation but his blind rage is too strong for him to stop himself.

The shove quickly changes John’s demeanor, his shoulders squaring and his jaw clenching. “This was the first time, actually. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner, what with you always gone, high, or picking fights with me,” he shoots back, starting to get angry. “Did you seriously think you could get away with always lashing out physically, without any ill consequences? The work I’ve been needing to do is covering up black eyes you give me,” he brings attention to their more recent fights, which had been getting increasingly more violent.

Elton audibly laughs at John's words "First time? Or first time with him John and dont you dare act all high and mighty when we both know that I am not the only one causing fights," His words rose with anger knocking over one of the chairs in front of John's desk "And lucky for both of us, I had to learn how to cover up that shot of thing very quickly," he sneered in John's face now but he turns away quickly shaking from the anger he cant control.

“Don’t fucking break anything in here,” John warns when Elton knocks over the chair. He rolls his eyes at the others words. “It’s not my fault you thought I loved you enough to only ever be with you,” he practically spits. The seconds the words leave his mouth he regrets them, since they’re not true. He’s purposely lashing out at Elton where he knows it’ll hurt. He knows how sensitive the other is about these things, that deep down the other was afraid nobody really loved him. Which wasn’t true; despite everything that had happened John still loves Elton, but the love has been flattened down from weeks of fighting, Elton ignoring him and vice versa. He shows no sign of regret though, simply crossing his arms.

Elton feels the anger in his chest deflate into cold hurt as he hears the words leave John's mouth. His mothers words rose up in his mind but he quickly shoved her out of his thoughts trying to keep himself angry before heart break set in. He turns to look at John his jaw tight from anger though the hurt shown threw his eyes "Get out of my house John!" He shouts ignoring the other mans cold warning and hurling a glass paper weight into the book shelf next to the other man "Get the fuck out!"

John grits his teeth harder when Elton throws the weight; it shatters, the sound echoing throughout the room, and part of the bookshelf collapses, spilling books and a few records onto the floor. All restraint leaves him instantly and he storms up to Elton. “Don’t. Break. My fucking stuff!” He growls, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and almost raising him up off the floor. “If I come back here and you’ve messed with any of this, I won’t let you off so easy,” he threatens, harshly shoving Elton away before turning to briskly walk out of the room, heading to leave.

The breath is knocked from his chest as John pushes him against the wall fighting every instinct to fight back. But even as John is walking away Elton paces after him hardly ready to let that go "stuff you bought with the money you made from my records you twat!" He shouted slamming himself in the bedroom still seething from the fight

John doesn’t stop when he hears Elton yelling after him, storming out of the house. He calls a car to take him to his apartment in the city, and once he gets there he sits at his desk, still shaking with anger. His own words echo through his head and he tries to push away the guilt; feeling guilty won’t help anything. He knows he messed up but he’d never admit that, he’d defend himself to the death if it kept out the humiliation of apologizing. He pours himself a drink, downing it in seconds and refilling his glass. He continues like that until it’s hard to pour anymore, spilling his drink onto the carpet. He doesn’t care though.

Elton hears the door slam and kicks blindly in frustration. John's words still stung and he reached out for the only coping skill he had: substances. He stares at the bottle for a moment a few silent tears slipping down his cheeks. Elton truly didnt want to loose John but he wasnt sure how he could trust him again.

John sits at his desk with his head in his hands. He feels like he should do something; instead of just sitting at home when he knows Elton’s probably losing it miles away. The other mans known to overdose and attempt, and a brief flash of worry that maybe he’s already done it, and John would get a call saying a maid had found Elton dead in his office. He nervously chews on his bottom lip. He opens one of his drawers and pulls out a small metal tin, taking a small spoonful of the white powder and heavily snorting it. He lays his head on the cold wooden desk, his senses buzzing and his head spinning as he tries to forget his worries.

-

It had been a little less than a week since Elton and John had spoken although hed seen that secretary around more than enough. Each time was a painful reminder of what he had found that morning and he wondered why he hadnt been fired yet. He made his way down the stairs with his trunk, it was the first day of travel for his tour and the last person he expected to see sitting across from him in the car was John "No work you need to do?" He spat, his bitterness speaking for him before he could stop it.

“This is the work I need to do,” John responds dully, his tone implying he’d like to roll his eyes, though he keeps himself from actually doing it. “Besides, somebody has to make sure you don’t kill yourself before you even go onstage,” he adds, hating that their first exchange in almost a week is hateful and bitter.

"Ah," Elton responds his eyes cold as they settle on John "wed hate to have to refund tickets," He supplies pouring himself a drink from the tumbler that they kept in the car for trips such as these "Where are we starting off again?" Elton asks downing the drink hed just poured for himself looking out the window.

“You have your first show tonight in L.A, then another tomorrow night,” John answers emotionlessly. Once Elton’s poured himself a drink he takes the tumbler, pouring himself one and downing it as well. He pours another, sipping this one a bit slower, looking out the window to ignore Elton. He’s clearly shutting him out, not giving him any attention.

Elton doesnt respond he fishes the tin from his coat pocket and takes a bit on the end of his pinky inhaling and leaning back his nose beginning to drip "Fuck, lend me your handkerchief," he asks his head tipping back to try and stop the bleeding.

John nods and takes the handkerchief out of a pocket on his lapel, handing it to Elton. He notices how thin Elton’s blood is and it makes him grimace: of course his is exactly the same, but he hates knowing Elton’s just as far gone with drugs as he is. “Try holding your breath, it’ll help the blood stop quicker,” he suggests softly.

Elton holds the fabric to his nose huffing, the tip feels condescending but he tries it and it works. He wipes the excess away and glares at John the substance on his system making his heart pound "If you dont fire that secretary then I will and I'm sure I wont be as nice about it as you would be," He doesn't intend for it to sound threatening but he hears his voice distantly and knows it must have

John raises an eyebrow, glaring a bit. “He’s good at his job, he’s been making things a lot more organized and efficient. Things won’t run as smoothly with him gone. But if you want to let your personal problems get in the way of your career then I can’t stop you. I’ll call him later and tell him he’s been let off,” he tells him, not much emotion showing in his voice at all.

Hurt boiled up in him as John tried to defend the other man but he didnt let it show unsurprisingly the conversation veered back towards his career. "Well I suppose that depends on if he continues to be a personal problem," Elton replies his tone icy "and would you get off your damn high horse you cant possibly be pretending that keeping the man you're sleeping with on payroll is for my benefit,"

John’s expression quickly turns to annoyance, looking at Elton almost as if he’s tired. “It /is/ for your benefit, but I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about something you know nothing about,” he retorts. His tone is still superior, but it’s only a coverup for how lost he feels. There’s no going back from what he did, and he’s much too ashamed to apologize, so the only thing he knows to do is defend himself, and to do that he’s trying to distance himself from Elton. All of his responses are given without any real emotion behind them, like he’s giving pre-rehearsed lines to somebody who works for him. He almost seems distant, occasionally glancing out the window, doing his best to avoid eye contact.

The other mans stoney tone just fueled John's anger his uncaring attitude and Elton opened his mouth to respond instead he just filled his glass again and downed his drink leaning his head back against the car seat. The last few days had been hellish and Elton wanted nothing more than to just forget about the hurt that John had caused him. But every time he thought of the other man all he could picture what what he had found that morning and that's what made him speak again "You know I dont know the last time you cared about my benefit, so I suppose I should be thankful you're shagging this poofer, hm?"

That gets John’s attention, and he turns to glare at Elton. He hates how Elton’s always saying that John doesn’t work hard at his job, and that he doesn’t care about Elton’s well-being, because that’s the one thing he always tried hard to do; make things as smooth and seamless as possible to make Elton’s life easier. He narrows his eyes, his face turned up in a scowl. “I’ve always cared about your benefit. I can count on one hand how many times there’s been a major slip-up in concert schedules or distributing records. That’s because I’ve always put your convenience over everything, because I know what kind of person you are. Throwing tantrums like a child if your private jets temperature isn’t exactly 70 degrees,” he says almost mockingly.

Elton doesnt respond he knows John's right in some capacity but the difference is John is the one in the wrong this time and he hates that he wont admit it. He cant stand the anger that brews in his stomach and a silent frustrated tear slips down his cheek. Hes quick to wipe it away and he pours himself another glass sipping it slower this time.

John notices the tear, a sharp pang of guilt hitting him. He turns away, looking out the window and shutting Elton out again. His face is expressionless and uncaring, just to hide how upset he is. The silence is heavy and tense, and he wants more than anything to break it somehow, but he knows anything he’d say would only come across as cruel, so he stays quiet.

"Is he the only one?" Elton asks unable to help himself, he doesn't really want to know those words that he isnt enough for John makes him wonder if this is the first time or he hasnt made John happy for a long time. The thought hurts more than he cares to admit, and he takes another swig.

John nods, turning back to partially face him. He’d much rather not talk about it, but he knows Elton deserves to know the truth. “Like I said before that was the first time. I never meant for things to go that far,” he tells him, knowing it’s no excuse or even close to an apology. It’s the truth, though; it started out as harmless flirting, just a way for John to get his fights with Elton off his mind. They’d never even kissed until the morning it happened. They had been in John’s office, casually flirting, when the other man had made a sudden move and kissed him. John let things progress, even encouraging them onward, because he was so starved for affection from fighting with Elton for months. He didn’t have any real feelings for the secretary, everything the other man had done John found himself thinking how Elton could do it so much better. John wishes he’d never let the flirting continue in the first place.

Elton scoffs and shakes his head as John speaks because hearing it hurts but hes glad he's able to actually listen to the other man, part of that being the alchohol rushing through his system. Some strange part of him feels like he should be apologizing to John, for what he didnt know but hed do anything to keep the other man from doing something like that again but theres another part of him that isnt satisfied and he raised the glass to his lips. Its exhausting to have the part of him that need affection and the part of him that was anger was at war and his anger always won out.

John tries to read Elton’s expression but isn’t able to. Now that Elton’s not yelling at him it’s easier to convince himself to at least try to apologize. “I don’t... I mean...there were no feelings involved. I know that doesn’t make it any better.. and what I said last week, about not loving you.. that wasn’t true, I didn’t do what I did because you’re not enough,” he tries to reassure him. It’s the truth but he knows it’s probably unbelievable. His tone is gentle now, more emotional, like he’s taken down the walls that were keeping him so far away.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

(f/15, could Tash please answer this as I think (from seeing the posts on this blog) she is the most experienced with this? That isn’t meant to be offensive by the way…)

Okay, so, last year was living Hell for me. I’m gonna make 2017 a better year though, or at least try.

So basically, I was in this friend group on the internet with three other people since 2014/15. It was fun, trust me, we had some good times. And around 2016 it just went downhill. We started fighting more, life turned to crap for all of us, we started ranting to each other about our problems and such. And even though ranting is something good, since we were all doing it it also made the negativity stronger, y'know? None of us were really motivated to make our lives better. One night, one of the people of the friend group (I’ll call her A) was actually like “Let’s both just end it.” After I ranted to her. Even though I really wanted to, I just KNOW life is worth living somehow. There’s so many things I haven’t seen or done, and even if it feels like nobody will miss me, I’ll just think of my dog (as I’m 100% sure he will miss me.) Maybe that’s weird, but it works for me, and that’s what counts right?

So I tried being more positive, and I tried getting A to do the same. I made small challenges for myself like “think positive for a week, do stuff that makes me happy, stand up for myself more,” etc. It went great but the friend group, and especially A, (being the so-called “leader”) just brang me down every time. I’d be saying something happy about my day for once, and then A would go “you’re lucky my life sucks I want to die”. It’s frustrating, she just didn’t want to be helped and it really stopped me from being happy.

Then one night we got into this giant argument. Idk, I got into a fight with her boyfriend over something so small and silly. Instead of apologizing like I always do, I wanted to stand up for myself more and told him off. And she got all protective, kicked me out of the group and expected me to still be her friend outside of it. I was 100% DONE with letting her control me like that. We’d already had fought before and she also kicked me out of the group that time and I came crawling back apologizing but she didn’t even say sorry a single time. So.. I got mad.

And maybe I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I pointed out a lot of things I disliked about her and suggested her she’d either work on her flaws like I am or just get out of my life. She didn’t want to see things from my perspective. Instead, she blamed her problems. I also had problems, but I don’t use it as an excuse to be shitty to my friends? The least she could’ve said was sorry. Like even if you want to blame your problems instead of telling me “my dad always yells at me” you could’ve said “I’m sorry, it’s just frustrating for me that my dad yells at me every day, but it’s no reason for me to take that out on you.”???? It’s not that hard. Even my girlfriend at the time, agreed with me and said “it’s like A is just trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad for what you just said. like she’s not even thinking about you, just about herself.”

The whole friend group was on a forum (where we all met in the first place) & she PM'ed me later on that forum (because I blocked her Skype) she sent a really nasty message where she made fun of all my problems, all the things I trusted her with, pointed out my flaws too & she made fun of the death of my pets, things I ranted about to her, because I trusted her.

Okay. I’ve made some mistakes, I know I have flaws but. At Least I’m trying to work on them. At least I’m trying to make my life better. At least I can admit my mistakes and think of others. In the first fight we had, (where I came back crawling and apologizing) I realized I shouldn’t have done that, but I just couldn’t stand up for myself yet. And now I can.

I PM'ed the admin of the forum about it, ended up getting banned for a week (and she for a month).

So the first step of making my life better was cutting the whole group out of my life. I had to create new accounts on like every social media I had her on and I’m even planning to leave that forum. I do miss the memories, but then I remember I’m missing the memories and not the people in that memory.

So what’s the problem you may ask? I still feel so much hate for that girl, A. I wouldn’t have lost the two other friends if it weren’t for her. I even ordered something online for her although my family has money problems and she knew all about them. She was so grateful in that moment, but at soon as I started picking on her boyfriend she kicked me out. It’s just so rude. And that message she sent me about my pets just really hurt. And she knows I’m sensitive to that shit, that’s one of the flaws I’m working on. And she just took advantage of it. It’s even worse when you realize she’s 17 and I’m 15 and she supposed to be the mature one. And now that she’s kicked me out of the group for no GOOD reason.

Anyway, it’s just annoying that I hate her? It’s been like 3 months or something since we last talked. During the day I don’t even think of her at all, but as soon as I’m trying to sleep I just start imagining all these scenarios where I do horrible things to her, hack her computer, delete all her files, things like that. I’ve even had dreams where I did bad things to her, or she did them to me. And I bet I’m gonna have nightmares about her finding this tumblr post, screenshotting it & sending it to the friend group to laugh at me being miserable. I know, that’s SO unlikely. But yeah in nightmares anything can happen.

It’s frustrating, I just want her to be somebody unimportant, somebody I used to know, just a mistake I made in the past, learned from, and can now move on from. Make new friends and forget that they even existed. But there’s still a lot of hate ugh. She’s just having a fun time with that friend group and crap, I bet she never thinks of me anymore anyways. I mean it would’ve been easier if she hadnt sent me that message about my pets. I don’t know why that bothers me so much it’s just one of those things that really triggers me. I just love animals so much, especially mine. And she was all like “THEY’RE DEAD GET OVER IT YOU’RE NOT 8”. I just feel so much HATE. But actually doing bad things to her isn’t going to make things better.

Don’t worry too much about me though, because other than the dreams I have and the scenarios I imagine with her, I actually don’t think about her a lot anymore. I’m also MUCH better, and much happier now that she’s gone. I have another best friend I can always talk to and they are so much better than a friend group that didn’t even care about me in the first place. So yeah I just needed to rant about it, and maybe some advice on how to not feel so much hate??? Like I subconsciously hate her so much but I want her to be somebody I used to know, and nothing more than that, so I can start making my life better.

Sorry if it’s long I just like to give all the details so you don’t give the “wrong” advice eheh

TL;DR or short version: I cut 3 toxic friends out of my life, but I still feel a lot of hate for one of them, any advice?

hey there, I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you! )-: the inbox has been pretty full lately and this got a little buried, apologies

cutting toxic people out of your life can be difficult sometimes, I’m proud of you for doing it!! the online friendships you had sound really unhealthy and negative -- and yeah I agree with you, constantly talking about only the negative things can create a toxic environment. venting is good, getting things off your chest is good! but when you have a friendship group where it’s only ever negative thoughts and feelings, that’s not healthy.

I had a pretty big fight with a friend in march last year and our friendship ended because of it, it’s was something so lame and even now whenever I think about it? I get mad and annoyed too!! )-: it’s only been 3-4 months since this all went down and you cut A off, it’s natural that you still feel anger and frustration over it all. give it time friend, that’s all I can really suggest. you said yourself that most of the time you don’t think about it and that you’re much happier now that she’s not in your life anymore!!! that’s progress :* you’ve come so far and been proactive about your own well-being and happiness, in time the anger and bitterness will fade. 

delete her off snapchat, facebook, instagram and any other social media accounts? delete any songs that remind you of her and instead create music playlists that make you feel good and happy and positive, try not to think about her too much when you can. she’s someone who was a mistake to be friends with and it’s definitely sounds like to me that you’ve learnt from it?! you’ve talked about so much self-growth and reflection that resulted from the friendship and the ending of it, and that’s good too. just give yourself time, time helps to heal pain and anger like this. lots of love <33

- tash