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destroyyourbinder · 5 years ago

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the day i was a man

In the summer of 2019, I decided to fully shave my head into a buzzcut, something I had never done before. I had a lot of feelings emerge and re-emerge at the time. While I was still visibly female in my day to day life- something that felt uniquely frightening given the utter dykeyness of my haircut- I accidentally discovered one day in August that my haircut could allow me to pass as male. While I had deliberately tried to “pass” in an earlier life, at the height of experiencing gender dysphoria, I was never taken to be a man except by chance (such as from behind or from afar). So potentially being able to pass as male was a new and disorienting experience, one I felt compelled to explore out of multiply perverse kinds of curiosity. As a context note: I mention my partner frequently in this piece, who has detransitioned from her transition from female to male, but chooses to handle her situation through continuing to pass as male at work and in public. Her experiences unavoidably framed my experience trying to pass for a day, and this experiment changed permanently how I see both her passing persona and the public presentation of female transgender people. If you can pull it off, and perhaps even if you can’t (a different, but also nervewracking experience), I recommend women try this at least once, especially if you claim to understand the experiences of transgender female people. It is a female experience to which there are truly few comparisons, and to which even the majority of living gender non-conforming lesbians cannot relate. Having largely recovered from gender dysphoria, I cannot imagine having to permanently live my life this way nor finding it affirming to do so, and I am disturbed that this experience was one I once aspired to and envied. However, I am glad I had it, and I plan to try again sometime in this upcoming summer when I can cut my hair without freezing. My partner now knows I did this, and I am especially curious what it might be like being seen together.

I wrote this the day I chose to do this experiment. My goal was to take public transportation to a shopping center so I could check out some shoes I was considering buying. The first part (in present tense) I wrote before leaving the house and while dressed in preparation, the second part (in past tense) was written after I returned, using my memories of the experience. It has been mildly edited for readability and to include a few details and pieces of context.

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I am scared of what happens not if I pass but if I don’t pass. In trying to become a man I have become a woman I am afraid of and afraid for. It’s often the same thing when you are a woman watching women. I am having trouble breathing under three sports bras when I usually wear none. My chest is flat unless I actually stand up straight and proud. I have to be ashamed to become a man, although they say men are confident and becoming one will make you so. I debate whether or not to put some kind of fake dick in my pants, although I doubt that will do anything, and I shudder to think what will happen if I do and it doesn’t work. Being a woman with a dick stuffed in your pants: at best I’m pathetic, at worst I am a monster.

I don’t know how to explain this to my girlfriend. I don’t know how to explain that I had to do this, at least once. I don’t know how to explain to her something she already knows.

I wonder if I’ve been watching too many music videos. I wonder if this is about sex. I don’t know how I can wash our dishes while being a man, but I decide I should try before I try something bold like letting people look at me.

The danger of not passing is violence. The danger internally is that it would be deserved. I realize there’s no real way to justify wanting to do this, nonetheless actually doing it. I think wanting to transition is sublimated fear. I wonder if this will help me with my social anxiety, because this fucking sucks. This is not the exposure therapy the doctor ordered. It feels familiar to be ashamed of myself and hold my body this way, like an old chair molding around my butt, like stepping into old shoes. Dykes go to the outdoor store but do bulldykes go there? I realize I don’t know anything about bulldykes. I understand why so many trans people are so preoccupied with being fake vs. real, false vs. genuine. There is something intrinsically very fake about passing. You are faking the other sex. Of course you feel fake. It is a pretense. It feels very odd to pretend so seriously, so people pretend that they are not pretending after all. I am fixated on the small things all over again. I find myself wondering when I tie my girlfriend’s boots to my feet whether or not men have ankles like mine. My laces are too wide at the bottom, too small at the top. I worry that this will lead me to be discovered or worse, mocked. I know this is absurd but in this state I don’t feel like I can take any chances, like I would even know what chances to take. When I went to get the bus I thought I saw my coworker. It ended up not being her, but I crossed the street and circled back because I didn’t want her to see me so strange, doing something so weird and incomprehensible. I understand now why people change towns, friends, abandon their family. This is difficult to explain, even if you say you are “trans”. It doesn’t make sense, fundamentally, to anyone with a grounding in their body. The bus driver was a big black woman, serious face, tattoos. I think she was a dyke. I got the sense she was looking at me out of the side of her eye when I got on the bus, but that might be paranoia. I didn’t know because I didn’t want to look her in the face too hard. I get why my girlfriend’s so avoidant in public. You don’t want people to know what you’re doing, you don’t want people to see your face. It’s real hard to know what emotion to put on there when you’re a dude. It’s real scary to not have the barrier of a woman’s smile or laugh anymore. It almost feels nice to not have to do it, but how do you handle anything? I’m the type of woman who’s been able to get away with this gender weirdo shit throughout my life because I gave an oh-shucks smile at the end of it, that little woman’s laugh that means I’m not a threat, not serious, not anything at all. When you’re “a man” you can’t do that anymore. You’re naked under six layers of clothes. When you can’t do that anymore you’ve got nothing except sheer bravado and nothing to back it up. What if it doesn’t work, what if you suddenly become the type of girl who doesn’t smile? I get why my girlfriend doesn’t look anybody in the face, even though she looks real fucking shifty sometimes. You can’t look a man in the face and not be able to back it up. Men are like reactive dogs. They’ll get fucked up if you look them in the eye. On the bus I realized all of the sudden even though I’ve read a billion passing guides, and I’ve stared down dudes real jealous my whole life I do not know how a man sits. I had fixated so much on the legs and where they go that I didn’t know what they did with hands, elbows; how do you look out the window if you’re a guy? What do you look at? I snatched glances at the dude up front, an ambiguously brown teen who could probably pass as white in the right places but not the wrong ones, a dude with a big mop of floppy curly dark hair and what looked like a serious case of apathy. He was scrolling on his phone, and I could see the divots of acne scars forming on the side of his face. Guy didn’t look like he could grow a lot of facial hair but probably made up for it with encyclopedic knowledge of Fortnite or some shit. I knew he had a life, but he seemed like most men, kind of constitutionally dull. He wasn’t looking at anything, really, I guess only kids and women really look at stuff. Which made it hard to do the whole clandestine observation thing, I decided, a guy who looks at stuff is not really a dude. I tried to look kinda dumb and wasn’t sure where my jaw should go. The girlfriend does this thing sometimes with her mouth that makes me cringe when she does it at home. Sometimes she phases in and out of her passing persona if she’s talking about work or feeling threatened for whatever reason, if she’s in a different place and time than the place and time where she’s home and a wife and all that. She does a little underbite, doing that thing that internet FTMs do in the pictures they take; I figured she learned to do it like a little bird puffs itself up, it makes her little head look bigger and squarer. I tried to do it when out and about; my teeth don’t fit together that way. I’m sure I looked like a moron. But men do dumb shit all the time.

I transferred to the train, and when I got off at the station I ended up walking kinda the wrong way for a while. I imagined all the people in the cars staring at me. I hate walking on the sidewalks along highways and strip malls. I dunno if they look, and if they do, what they see. I was real nervous but I figured I didn’t know any of them anyway and made it into the shopping center where the store was. It occurred to me that if this was an adventure it was quite a stupid one, but it was an adventure nonetheless, complete with the actual lack of excitement and the actual presence of fear. I had never been in this particular store before and everything was displayed so tastefully. I was dismayed to notice the presence of a million salespeople, and realized I didn’t fucking know which gender of shoe I even wanted to try to look at because I didn’t know how I was coming across. I was not going to be a dude who asks for women’s shoes, a.k.a. a woman who’s obviously doing something real weird asking for women’s shoes nonetheless. And at this store you gotta ask for the shoes, and I didn’t want to use my voice because I’m pretty sure I’m obviously female by voice. So I just stared awkwardly at the shoes, mostly, I checked the prices and the clearance racks, and they were too expensive anyway. At one point I realized I was looking at the women’s shoes (which seemed like a huge fucking big deal) and I went to cross over to the men’s shoes, there was a group of bros standing in front of the men’s shoe wall and they parted like the red sea when I went over. I think this was passing because frankly I’ve never had men ever get out of my fucking way. I ended up circling around the store and leaving because no way was I going to afford any of the shit in there, and they didn’t even have very many shoes of the kind I was looking for. I went into the chain pet store next door and wandered around in there. There was a young person working the register who was a young lesbian or a trans kid or something. Every time I saw a woman I felt guilty, it was real weird to be separated so much from women. I had thoughts of jumping out, you know, and saying “boo”, following a woman a bit too close to see what would happen, even though I knew that would be real fucking mean. But it would be the test. See how women react to you: are you still a woman yet? What happens when you’re not a women to women anymore? It seems real fucking lonely. I was already lonely, and it had been maybe three hours. Men are real rude to other men. Some old white sales guy was like,“excuse me”, real curt and direct in a way I’d never got before, not gentle but not with the contempt-force they use towards a fucked up woman. It was empty of all the shit I’d learned to expect. How men deal with the emptiness I don’t know. They must fill it with all sorts of nonsense just to pass the time, just for kicks, is that why they want to hit each other and fuck things? There was a little girl with her family outside the stores, she had a floppy autistic hand and was wearing cargo shorts, I wished her luck inside my head but couldn’t smile at her and my heart broke.

I walked around and tried to find the other location of a store I used to work at. I knew it was around there somewhere but couldn’t find where the building was. My stomach was grumbling and it occurred to me that if I needed to use a bathroom I’d be screwed. Even if I was still plausibly visibly female I was female in the way that’d get me bathroom trouble, and I wasn’t quite dudely enough to stride into the men’s. The store I used to work at had gender neutral bathrooms, and I realized a hell of a lot of trans people must be in a huge pickle all the time. I understand the bathroom resentment even if trans people project their validation shit onto it. It’s easier to believe you’re being invalidated than that you’re scared because you’re doing something real weird and you’re in hiding all the time. I don’t know how people live like this full time. There’s got to be a lot of grief, nihilism, resignation when you finally make it so you can’t go back. The tension’s unbearable: I imagine a lot of trans people think that the tension will be resolved if they make themselves undiscoverable, if they just push themselves more towards perceptibly male.

The sports bras were hurting me. It was hard to walk so much in this get up. I found I was breathing with my mouth open a lot to get enough air, and the word “mouthbreather” kept occurring to me. I realized the shit that I had to knock out of me as an autistic woman was double-edged as someone trying to pass. A lot of it actually helped, a healthy and hamhanded disrespect/disregard for etiquette is very male, but I realized I was still real weird with weird motivations and weird in ways that would make me stick out even as a dude. I understood why the girlfriend has a persona-- she says he’s some nobody, a stoner dude, a guy who doesn’t have all that much to say and of course it’s kinda stupid if he did-- to cover the incongruities. Before I got back on the train there was this young black woman with a swagger, wearing what looked like men’s pants, wandering around the platform. I figured the universe was fucking testing me today because she might be gay too. She was talking on her phone in a video chat, getting way too close to the edge. She wobbled over the edge a couple times, then decided to sit on the fucking platform with her legs out over the tracks . Some shady white guy wearing gloves was doing some weird shit with the ticket machines, a lot of coins were coming out and he was rustling around. I figured he had some kinda scheme and decided to leave him very alone because I didn’t know how the fuck I was supposed to react as a fellow guy if he wanted something from me. The woman didn’t look up when the train coming the opposite way signaled, and I got scared I was gonna have to drag her off the tracks, like maybe she wasn’t doing good and she was gonna try something. I realized I didn’t want to die as a man, didn’t want that woman to be saved by me as a man, what if they called up my girlfriend and said I was some dude, what if she found me in three sports bras and three shirts in the hospital, what would everyone think. Swagger gal jumped the hell out of her skin and scooted away when our train was coming, so I didn’t have to worry about it. When I got on some family plopped down in front of me, and I felt that grief again. If I was a man I couldn’t look at kids with the same gentleness, there was no solidarity with the mom and her weariness, I couldn’t take the load on my hips alongside her. I didn’t want to do this any more. I had planned to catch the bus on my way back but the bus wasn’t going to come for a while. I decided to walk from my home train station and see if I could catch my girlfriend at work but realized I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t know who I was, walking through the dark back into the neighborhood. I peeked into a dark bar with sports on the televisions, a lot of normal heterosexuals doing their thing. But back on the main drag it was trendier heterosexuals everywhere. I stopped beside a dark park to take off two of the bras and tucked them in my pockets. I had no idea what the fuck I looked like when I was walking somewhere more familiar, didn’t know where to put my chin, didn’t know whether I was incongruent, incomprehensible, or I was just myself. My clothes were all mine except the beanie and the boots. It was nothing crazy but I felt crazy, I felt split in two, schizophrenic in the old-school definition way. If my coworkers saw me they’d know me, but maybe I wouldn’t know me in return. When I got to my girlfriend’s workplace I realized she wasn’t in the building; she had stepped across the street to take a break and get some air. I don’t think she recognized me coming across the street. I felt all fucked up for a long hot second until she broke into a smile. I couldn’t tell if she was astonished I was out and about in the area at that hour or that that body was me. I wandered on home, got an Arizona iced tea, went up to the corner pharmacy all weird in the head and high on drag to get some mascara to see if I could make me a beard someday. The people at the pharmacy usually know me, and I didn’t want to be some weirdo who was trying to be a guy in front of them. The guy who I think’s a manager was around, then a barely-outta-adolescence woman with a bob of orange hair and strange makeup and a big old nose ring. These days they make eyebrow mascara, in each brand there were a million different kinds. Who knew, and who knew it cost 12 bucks for a little tube. I went around the corner feeling lucky: there was some in the clearance section. Why someone like me’d buy mascara for your eyebrows, who knows. I was titillated by the tiny brushes. The young woman at the counter wanted to talk to me about my nose ring, hers was only a tad bigger, and she told me she must’ve hit a nerve when she stretched. Her piercings were nice, I was happy to have a conversation with a woman as a woman of some sort even though she was a different kind of woman all in all. When the wall comes down it’s terrible. I can’t imagine that wall all the time and what that must do to women behind it.

#writings

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iowagreys · 2 years ago

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For a free support use, family tree maker live chat and get the best support.Five apps for creating installation packagesĭeliver a solid first impression and a clean installation with five installer products for Windows. If you have any queries then you can contact us anytime 24/7.

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The first is to upgrade your old family tree builder software and the second one is to download family tree maker 2019. If you want a family tree maker 2019 download then you can get this in two ways.

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If you select this feature then your family tree password and other information will be transferred to your kin.

Next of Kin: It helps you to choose your successor after you.

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Now here we have some key features of family tree maker 2019. In the above paragraph, we told you about the latest feature of FTM 2019.

Companion Guide: This is a free guide in which you will get all details about family tree maker 2019 download and use.

You can also track their path from where they are coming.

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Some of the latest features of FTM 2019 are given below, please check them. Latest Features of Family Tree Maker 2019 Here we tell you almost all about this amazing software. Now FTM 2019 is run by the software MacKiev.įamily tree maker 2019 comes with a lot of new and amazing features which makes it so popular. Family tree maker is developed by the ancestry and in 2016 sold it to MacKiev. In this post, we will tell you a step-by-step guide for downloading family tree maker 2019.Īpart from this, we also discuss about the installation process of FTM 2019. If you want a family tree maker 2019 download then read this post. It is the newest version of family tree maker software.

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familytreemaker2019 · 3 years ago

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Family tree maker online

Find the complete Family Tree Maker Online Software Support The beginning of the genealogy Family Tree Maker Software for Android and Mac Users has given users the advantage of keeping track of information gathered when doing research and collecting data through reports, charts, or books. One can easily exhibit one's family story with images, historical documents, audio, and even video content using this method. This can be digitally passed down to many ages as a legacy. Download Family Tree Maker Software now to start creating a legacy that will last a lifetime. Latest Family Tree Maker Online Software Nearly thirty years ago, Family Tree Maker was offered as a digital download. It has evolved greatly since then to deliver a quality experience to its consumers. It has been outfitted with simple-to-use tools and quick-access capabilities. Rich Color Coding, Photo Dark Room, Charts & Reports, Media Organization, and a Comparison Guide are just a few of the new features. We're here to help you navigate all of FTM Software's latest features with our special Family Tree Maker Software Support. Family Tree Maker Software Online Support What should you anticipate from providers of FTM Software Support Services? We offer comprehensive support services to help you handle FTM with ease also without problems. Please contact us if you run into any software problems while using FTM. If you really need to transfer Family Tree Maker 2019 to another device or system, contact us. If you're experiencing issues logging in or signing in, touch to contact us and we'll help you troubleshoot the issue. Get help with upgrading or downloading the Family Tree Maker software. If you're having trouble synchronising your tree between Family Tree Maker and Ancestry, you've come to the perfect place for Family Tree Maker Software Support. Make your own Family Tree Maker online and leave a legacy for future generations. Why should you contact Family Tree Maker Support? Family Tree Maker Help is provided to offer users with all necessary information about the software's features. Learn how to upgrade from an old FTM to a new FTM step by step. If you are experiencing any errors or problems, please contact us for help with FTM issues. Family Tree Maker Support Services are designed to address all of FTM's concerns. Please contact the FTM Team if you require assistance with transferring Family Tree Maker 2019 to a new computer, Ancestry Sign-in Assistance, if you require any assistance with synching your tree between Family Tree Maker and Ancestry, need to know about upgrading an old FTM, or need to print Family Tree Maker Charts. We also assist you in resolving FTM issues, learning how to back up Family Tree Maker files, using Family Tree Analyser, if your Family Tree Maker is not opening in Windows, merging duplicate facts in Family Tree Maker or merging duplicate facts in Family Book Creator, and many other tasks. There's a lot more to this Family Tree Maker, and you may get full assistance. Get one-on-one help with the FTM Connect App. What should you do if the Family Tree Maker Software suddenly stops working? We'll be pleased to help you get it working again. Also, learn about the status of the Family Tree Maker 2019 companion guide and how to utilise it. If you'd like to get your hands on Sharing Ancestry DNA Results, please contact us if you don't know how. Use the Family Tree Maker Support Services to their full potential! For FTM difficulties, you can reach out to us at any time and from anywhere.

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parenthunter366 · 3 years ago

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Family Tree Maker For Mac Free Trial

Discovering your family story has become easier with the help of Family Tree Maker 2019 which has been America’s Favourite genealogy software from the last thirty years.

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For an expert, it gives a wide range of charts and reports with more advanced features and options for data management. In 2016, Ancestry sold their Family Tree Maker to Mackiev for further family tree maker support.

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Rich Colour Coding –This feature has enhanced the colour coding of the home person’s ancestors as well as each ancestor’s descendant also which gives it rich colour effects.

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Turn back time –The one feature is worth the whole upgrade in the FTM 2019 program. For instance, the user can go up to 1000 steps back to correct the mistakes he/she made and the best part it happens in a click,

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System Requirement for Family Tree Maker 2019

Macintosh – OS X 10.10 or later, including Mac OS Catalina 10.15, 2 GB of RAM (4 GB recommended), 900 MB hard disk space, 1280 x 800 screen resolution.

Windows – Windows 7 or later, including Windows 10, 2 GB of RAM (4 GB recommended), 900 MB hard disk space, 1024 x 768 screen resolution.

Frequently Asked Questions.

Does a Family Tree Maker 2019 upgrade necessary?

If you haven’t use the feature to connect Family Tree Maker to Ancestry family tree maker through FTM 2017, then you have to upgrade it to Family Tree Maker 2019 as Mackiev has already stopped the sync of FTM 2014 and the older version.

Is there any free trial available before buying the Family Tree Maker 2019 Software?

Yes. The download of 30-day free trial is available for the software before purchasing it, you may create a new project and import your data into it.

Family Tree Maker For Mac Free Trial Version

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The actual cost depends upon the additional services which a user purchases or opts along with the FTM 2019 Software program.

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Yes, discounts are available for the existing users of family tree maker. https://parenthunter366.tumblr.com/post/665642986810523648/photoshop-cs3-mac-os-x-download. The user must be registered with Ancestry.com to avail the offer.

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Is the Version of Family tree Maker 2019 available in any other languages?

Free klondike solitaire download for mac. Apparently, the edition of FTM 2019 is not available in other languages. However, the team is currently reviewing the possibility of producing the software in localised edit.

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michaelbennettcrypto · 5 years ago

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Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin

Bitcoin’s meteoric rise not only made the crypto asset a household name and caused extreme FOMO at the tail end of 2017, it also caused a surge in interest in altcoins from those seeking to find the next Bitcoin.

While a “next Bitcoin” may not exist, many altcoins very well could outshine the first-ever cryptocurrency, and an expert altcoin trader and published author on the subject has shared his list of the top 5 cryptocurrencies that have a strong chance of outperforming Bitcoin in 2020.

Who is Altcoin Trader Nik Patel?

Nik Patel is the author of a top-selling cryptocurrency book titled An Altcoin Trader’s Handbook, and runs an ongoing blog of the same name that provides regular cryptocurrency market updates, with the majority of them focused on more obscure altcoins the analyst expects to grow in value and dominance.

Related Reading | Experienced Altcoin Trader Outlines Expectations For Bitcoin and Alt Bull Cycles

Patel is an expert in the space, having first got into cryptocurrencies in 2013 after stumbling upon the meme-filled Dogecoin subreddit. After he became enamored with the digital asset class, Patel tried his hand at trading altcoins and found much success, earning him a reputation as an authority in the space.

Even today, Patel shares regular updates on altcoins he sees with potential and shares it with the greater crypto community. In his latest report “Coin Trader Nik” highlights the top 5 cryptocurrencies he expects to outperform Bitcoin in the next year.

Morning

My ‘Top 5 Alts For 2020’ post will be published shortly.

— Nik Patel (@cointradernik) November 6, 2019

…And the Top 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin Are?

Cryptocurrencies are a speculative market driven by hype. Outside of the top ten cryptocurrencies, which offer true value or utility, most of the top-performing altcoins on the market offer very little value or utility, and instead are driven almost entirely by hype and promise.

That promise of potentially outperforming Bitcoin, is often too enticing an opportunity for crypto investors to pass up, and they load up bags of obscure altcoins hoping for a moonshot.

Nik Patel hopes to take some of the guesswork out of this for crypto investors and has released his list of the top 5 crypto assets he expects to outperform Bitcoin in 2020. The published author uses a combination of fundamental analysis coupled with technical analysis to provide a detailed overview of each asset.

On the list is Komodo (KMD), a scalable, business-friendly blockchain solution; New Kind of Network (NKN), offering decentralized networking; V-ID (VIDT), a blockchain-based solution for file protection and validation; Fantom (FTM), a smart contract focused network that aims to solve scalability issues found in Ethereum and others; and finally, Constellation (DAG), designed to improve data transfer efficiency and monetization.

Related Reading | Altcoin Trader: Alt Market Cap Shows Longest Accumulation Phase Yet

Whether these assets actually go on to outperform Bitcoin is a coin toss, however, given Patel’s experience with analysis of this type and success in the cryptocurrency market, investors may want to dig in further before placing a buy order. Additional information on each altcoin can be found on Patel’s blog, An Altcoin Trader’s Blog.

The post Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin appeared first on NewsBTC.

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joshuajacksonlyblog · 5 years ago

Text

Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin

Who is Altcoin Trader Nik Patel?

Related Reading | Experienced Altcoin Trader Outlines Expectations For Bitcoin and Alt Bull Cycles

Morning

My ‘Top 5 Alts For 2020’ post will be published shortly.

— Nik Patel (@cointradernik) November 6, 2019

…And the Top 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin Are?

That promise of potentially outperforming Bitcoin, is often too enticing an opportunity for crypto investors to pass up, and they load up bags of obscure altcoins hoping for a moonshot.

Related Reading | Altcoin Trader: Alt Market Cap Shows Longest Accumulation Phase Yet

The post Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin appeared first on NewsBTC.

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brettzjacksonblog · 5 years ago

Text

Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin

Who is Altcoin Trader Nik Patel?

Related Reading | Experienced Altcoin Trader Outlines Expectations For Bitcoin and Alt Bull Cycles

Morning

My ‘Top 5 Alts For 2020’ post will be published shortly.

— Nik Patel (@cointradernik) November 6, 2019

…And the Top 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin Are?

That promise of potentially outperforming Bitcoin, is often too enticing an opportunity for crypto investors to pass up, and they load up bags of obscure altcoins hoping for a moonshot.

Related Reading | Altcoin Trader: Alt Market Cap Shows Longest Accumulation Phase Yet

The post Published Author and Altcoin Trader Highlights 5 Crypto Set to Outshine Bitcoin appeared first on NewsBTC.

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ao3feed-prodigalson · 4 years ago

Link

by prodigalsanyo

NSFW podfic high school love story between Vijay Chandasara and FTM Malcolm Whitly. Vijay transfers to boarding school in his senior year and meets his roomie. Their first meeting is less than magical.

You will hear occasional barking and cars and giggling from the spicy paragraphs. Narrator is so not a sound wizard.

Words: 2, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Other

Characters: Malcolm Bright, Vijay Chandasara

Relationships: Malcolm Bright/Vijay Chandasara

Additional Tags: Minor Original Character(s), Trans Malcolm Bright, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Unplanned Pregnancy, Teen Pregnancy, Stereotypical Jokes by Vijay Chandasara, Podfic, Podfic Length: 1-1.5 Hours, oh my god they were roommates

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #Prodigal Son #Malcolm Bright

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coconut2877-blog · 5 years ago

Text

10/13/2019 visualization and digressions

This week I pinned down my research goals in two directions, one focusing on sound synthesis based on physical models, the other on user control/visualization.

Visualization

I have decided to start from visualizing the string model.

Before when I was building the plugin, parameters available to control by users are simplified to be as few as possible because 1. the more physical parameters included the more confusing for the users to adjust 2. parameters are deliberately picked and transformed to convey quality of sounds rather than the “look” of the model, because again it’s more intuitive for sound-oriented users.

However, since I’m visualizing the model, including more “visualizable” parameters seems to become the goal here. I began by categorizing parameters based on its ability to be visualized

Complete list of parameters:

E - Young’s modulus (measures resistance of a material to elastic deformation under load)

I - moment of inertia (determine the torque needed for a desired angular acceleration about a rotational axis)

Ts - Tension

rho - density

A - cross-section area

d1 - frequency independent damping

d3 - frequency dependent damping (d3<0)

l - string length

Previous simplified list of parameters:

c - derived from Ts, rho, A, describing propagation speed of the wave traveling in the system

p - derived from d1 and d3, describing damping of the system

S - derived from E, I, rho, A, also correlated with d3, d1, c

tau - derived from d1 and d3, implying duration of the sound generated

omega - derived from S, c, d3, d1, implying pitch of the sound

Dispersion - derived from S, d3, d1, c, implying inharmonicity of the sound

l - length of string is simplified to be of unit length.

Visualization of parameters:

I wanted to recover the lost visual aspects of the model - to do that I need to recover the visualizable parameters : l, rho, A, Ts/S (might be able to color code tension and stiffness in the string), x (where on the string that I’m exciting). There are still some parameters not ready to be visualized: d1 and d3.

d1 and d3 are frequency independent and dependent damping coefficients, in my PDE formulation they are simply numbers in front of the corresponding derivative terms, but where do they come from physically?

Through research I found:

References: “Computational Physics by Nicholas J. Giordano and Hisao Nakanishi”, “The Physics of Vibrating Strings by Nicholas J. Giordano” , “Physically-informed Percussion Synthesis with Nonlinearities for Real-time Applications by Jennifer Hsu”

- Air drag and bridge coupling are what accounts for damping in a string model. The former being nonlinear and the latter being mostly linear. Longitudinal waves traveling through the string is another factor in non-harmonic sound generation. However this factor is often times omitted in a transverse displacement formulation.

- Longitudinal force signal has large contribution to the high frequencies (several kilohertz), because the speed of longitudinal waves are much bigger than transversal waves.

- presence of stiffness contributes to the dispersive effect of sound (the inharmonicity)

- The fundamental difference in a linearly and nonlinearly formulated system is that - when exciting a linear system at a larger force the resulting sound would just be of higher value; while in a nonlinear system, larger force results in complete spectral change, for example the “twang” sound when plucking a guitar string hard enough.

Conclusion

I recovered the original parameters and implemented a preliminary string model in Matlab. I’ve been playing around with tweaking several parameters to synthesize different sounds. I’d like to figure out a range for each of the parameters, and their physical equivalences before implementing them with JUCE. Next I’ll focus on sketching what i want visually and prototype my sketch in JUCE graphics.

Sound Synthesis

efficiency-wise:

Since in FTM approach a transfer function can be written down. Rather than deriving the underlying impulse response and synthesizing sound based on the impulse, I wonder if it’s possible to derive a difference equation and design a recursive system that would largely simplify the computation. I’ll work on it this following week.

reference-wise:

References: “Max Matthews interview”, “Physically-informed Percussion Synthesis with Nonlinearities for Real-time Applications by Jennifer Hsu”, “Digital Sound Synthesis of String Vibrations with Physical and Psychoacoustic Models by Rabenstein and Müller”

Reading these inspires me to diverge from trying to be as physically accurate as possible, and moving onto exploring the sound I synthesized in a spectral sense. Max Matthews brought up his research interest at the time - study of inharmonic timbres, specifically how stretching he ratio between overtones affected sense of key changes and cadences. Dr. Hsu who just graduated from UCSD focused on studying algorithms of inharmonic percussive sounds synthesis. She brought up a lot of interesting points on achieving inharmonicity, and her dissertation’s background section largely coincided with what I have been researching for the past weeks. Rabenstein and Müller’s paper combined their FTM sound synthesis approach with the famous critical bands study, which “degraded” the resolution of synthesized sounds without compromising the human perception towards them.

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