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tilbageidanmark · 2 months ago

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MOVIES I WATCHED THIS WEEK # 215:

2 OSCAR-NOMINATED GERMAN DRAMAS:

🍿 NEVER LOOK AWAY (2018) is an epic (3+hrs) drama diving into German history and art history, my second by "Florian Maria Georg Christian Graf Henckel von Donnersmarck". (He was born 20 years to the day after me - and his first Very Important Work was 'The life of others').

The first act is oppressive and intellectually-dense, as it tells of a beautiful young woman in the Third Reich who's lucky enough to hand Hitler a bouquet of flowers when his motorcade passes through Dresden, but who's later diagnosed as schizophrenic, so she gets sterilized and mercy-killed by the Nazis. It's dark and tragic, and hard to take.

But then the film shifts gears into a biopic of her little nephew who grows up to be a painter, loosely-based on the real and famous artist Gerhard Richter (still alive today at 93). Through 20 or 30 years of inner turmoils he finds his artistic truth, by harking back to his early memories of the aunt. This is the weaker part of the story. The movie was the only second German movie that was nominated for two Oscars, but in spite of its vast ambitions, felt too uneven.

With the magnetic Paula Beer as his muse. 7/10.

🍿 EVERYTHING WILL BE OK (2015) is about an 8-yo girl whose divorced father picks from her estranged mom, for his bimonthly visits. Things seem normal at first - but they aren't. Desperation & heartbreak - I know them so well! 8/10.

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KUROSAWA + SHAKESPEARE X 2:

🍿 First watch: The first of Kurosawa's three Shakespeare adaptations, THRONE OF BLOOD takes Macbeth and transports it into feudal Japan. It's the gold standard of five-star entertainment. Toshiro Mifune in top form, the delusional husband of a manipulative Lady Macbeth in Noh white-face. Murderous ambition brings tragic consequences. Filmed on Mt. Fuji in the fog, and (in the final scene) shot with real arrows. (Photo Above).

🍿 RAN, his re-imagining of 'King Lear', a magnificent epic with breathtaking cinematography, made when he was 75. What if Shakespeare was transported to 1985 and was present at a large screen performance of it, with English translation. I wonder how he would react. My majestic viewing of the week.

I've already seen his Hamlet adaptation, 'The Bad Sleep Well', a few years ago. (With the wedding scene that inspired the one at the beginning of 'The Godfather').

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"...Life can be bright in America / If you can fight in America / Life is all right in America / If you're a white in America..."

WEST SIDE STORY (1961), another unorthodox, iconic Shakespeare interpretation, a musical adaptation of 'Romeo and Juliet'. It played out in the Upper West side of Manhattan, between a gang of young Polish delinquents and a gang of (brown-face) Puerto Ricans. The five classic numbers ('Maria', 'America', 'Tonight', 'I feel pretty' and 'Somewhere') were the highlights of the plot. A dazzling love story between a boy and a girl, written by four gay men (Robbins, Bernstein, Sondheim and Laurents) in the ultra-conservative mid-50's, it unapologetically included "Anybodys", an early non-binary trans character.

The Spielberg 2021 version was even brighter.

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I heard good things about the 1996 LAST MAN STANDING, in that it is a remake of Kurosawa's 'Yojimbo'. But then I heard wrong, because Walter Hill is no Kurosawa, Bruce Willis is definitely no Toshiro Mifune, and this sad, cliche-ridden story had nothing in it that merited a watch. Even the Ry Cooder score, and the scar-faced Christopher Walken couldn't save it from itself. 2/10 is too generous.

Next: Welles 'Chimes at Midnight'.

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"On the rung of employment, it's beneath taxidermy, it's beneath bellhop... Bellhops get uniforms..."

THE PARKING LOT MOVIE (2010) is a terrific, joyful documentary about a group of "insanely over-educated people working at a service sector job", i.e. students and graduates from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, many from the departments of Anthropology or Philosophy. Most are eccentric slacker-intellectuals and they put in their time at this small, independent corner parking lot as attendants / ticket-takers. One of the guys [I didn't realize it - but they were all guys!] ended up playing the bass for 'Yo La Tengo'. An oddball, entertaining and feel-good gem. This was the only movie directed by this Meghan Eckman. I wonder what other quirky wonders could she make, if this movie had became well-known. Highly recommended - 8/10. [*Female Director*] I discovered it via Kevin Kelly's Livestream.

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3 DANISH THRILLERS:

🍿 KING'S GAME (2004) a Danish political thriller and my 3rd by Nikolaj Arcel. It's a traditional plot, seen many times before in various forms, about a new parliamentary journalist who cares too much about the truth for his own sake, and who discovers a conspiracy perpetuated by a politician at the Danish 'Folketing' who's about to become the next Prime Minister. Power struggles and the corruption of ideals but with a Scandinavian bent. With two smaller roles by my favorite Danish actors Nicolas Bro, as a background 'stringer' and Lars Brygmann as a helpless, depressed husband. 4/10.

🍿 THE ELEVATOR (2021), a 4 minute horror-thriller about a young man who is stuck in an elevator. 8/10.

More from the Danish-Bulgarian Toni Genov, 2088, a very low-budget "Computer-screen" thriller, [Like 'Searching' and 'Missing'] with two physicists in the year 2088 discussing the sudden disappearance of a college.

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When I saw Bertrand Tavernier's dark 'Coup de Torchon' last week, I wasn't aware that it wasn't his first existential period drama with Philippe Noiret and Isabelle Huppert. THE JUDGE AND THE ASSASSIN (1976) also starred the mesmerizing Noiret as a complicated authority figure and Huppert as his 23-yo, mistreated mistress. This is a beautiful, strange and multi-layered story which was based on a real-life serial killer from the end of the 19th century. He was an insane vagabond who cruelly raped and murdered dozens of teenagers, as he was drifting around the countryside. Noiret however is an ambitious and duplicitous judge, and the plot drifts in and out from their cat-and-mouse pursuit into one describing a larger society in flux, a system of corrupt justice that is far from just, and morals that are complex, unclear and though-provoking.

(I also started watching his tremendous last work, 'My Journey through French Cinema', but at nearly 4 hours long, I'm still in the middle of, so I'll log it next week.)

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TWILIGHTS (1994) are the surrealistic adventures of a young Japanese boy, maybe a ghost, who died at 3 o'clock of the 3rd of the month, but refuses to accept his own death, so he keeps running away from it. It's a 33-minute silent movie slapstick comedy, with endless modern cinematic tricks.

The final, extended 4-minute long shot (starting at 25:45) is alone worth the price of admission.

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"David Lynch's Office Space..."

I'm waiting for the end of Season 2 of SEVERANCE, so that I can binge-watch it all in one gulp, as Dog intended. I have a general fond recollection of the first season, while not remembering any of the details from it, and so I re-watched the pilot, GOOD NEWS ABOUT HELL. ♻️.

I'm surprised that I only gave it a mediocre review in 2022: Apple’s new, much-lauded and compelling series, a speculative sci-fi mystery box, where weird conspiracies stay purposefully unexplained. Dystopian exploration of office life with sinister sense of Scientology-related cultist oppression (added no doubt by the Tom Cruise-lookalike main actor). With John Turturro, Christopher Walken, and Patricia Arquette, and a terrific final episode. It was very bingeable, but I doubt I’ll join them for the second season next year. (The Opening Credits Were Good). 5/10.

I think I may appreciate the new Season more.

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The upcoming biopic 'Mr. Burton' (about Richard) doesn't look like it's gonna be any good, but I thought I'll try Welsh director Marc Evans' highest-rated previous film, SNOW CAKE from 2006. However, this TV-drama type romance was mediocre and predictable. Depressed Alan Rickman gives a lift to an eccentric youngster who dies when a truck crushes into them. He visits her mother Sigourney Weaver to apologize, and discovers that she's a high-functioning autistic woman living alone in a small town in snowy Ontario, Canada. Not knowing much about ASD, it felt like a stretch, not representing the impairment with any accuracy. 3/10.

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LOST KUBRICK: THE UNFINISHED FILMS OF STANLEY KUBRICK (2007), a trifle documentary that focused mostly on his Napoleon and Holocaust projects. Malcolm McDowell narrated.

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THE INDUSTRIAL-MILITARY COMPLEX / INTERNATIONAL ARM TRADE X 2:

🍿 THE INEXTINGUISHABLE FIRE (1969), my first by German Harun Farocki, an experimental anti-establishment documentarian and Brechtian theorist. This is an essay that examines the process of scientific R&D at a Dow Chemical factory, as they research and manufacture Napalm, to be used in Vietnam.

"First you’ll close your eyes to the images, then to the memory, then to the facts, then to the whole story...”

🍿 "War is a racket. It always has been."

The documentary SHADOW WORLD should have been catnip for people like me. It investigates the immense, secret profits of the international arm trade, the massive corruption and collusion between politics and industry, the need for a state of Permanent War to sustain a trillion dollar pipeline of death and destruction, and how fake are the public perception of 'security' and 'democracy'.

But with so much footage to support it, the movie just pulls random clips from all over the place, all covered by ominous soundtrack, and jumps from one phrase to another, from one postulate to another without any rhyme or reason. Also, even though it came out in 2016, it mostly re-litigates the war crimes perpetuated before and after 9/11. So it brings together Prince Bandar, the Iran-Contra scandal, Jeremy Scahill, Cheney's Halliburton, Obama Nobel Peach speech, Bush Jr. shoe thrower, Lawrence Wilkerson's Mea Culpa, The despicable Margaret Thatcher Tony Blair and other anti-heroes of the roaring 80's and 90's. It was just terrible. 1/10.

It was my first by Belgian documentarian Johan Grimonprez. I still want to find his FOUR CHAMBERS TO THE HEART (about Renaissance master-painter Sofonisba Anguissola!) - but I will probably skip now his Oscar-nominated 'Soundtrack to a Coup d’État'!

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THE DRIVER'S SEAT (1974) was an off-beat Italian turkey, starring Elizabeth Taylor as a high-strung, insane spinster, looking for someone in Rome who will murder her. I learnt about it on an intriguing r/truefilm thread, but it was too demented for me. ⬇️Could Not Finish⬇️

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2 BY DUTCH ANIMATOR NINA GANTZ:

🍿 Her latest, 'Wander to Wonder', is nominated for this year's Oscars. Her ZALIGER (2010) is a perfect B&W linocut-style short about a widower who still thinks about his wife.

🍿 EDMOND (2015) is a weird portrait of an awkward, suicidal man, possibly with cannibalistic tendencies dealing with his social anxiety.[*Female Director*]

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2 SPANISH SHORTS BY ALBERT PINTÓ:

🍿 NOTHING CO. (2014) is a brilliant black comedy: After 3 years of unemployment, a very short desperate man gets a job offer where he must sit alone in a chair and do nothing. "Do as you're told and collect a paycheck."

🍿 THERE'S STILL TIME (2014) is a young person fantasy about a guy who was dumped by his girlfriend, and is now stuck in a time loop. Every time he comes back, he's multiplying. 2/10.

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7+1 EARLY SHORTS OF GREAT DIRECTORS:

🍿 THE BANK NOTE (1907), my first by French Louis Feuillade, who was discovered by my crush Alice Guy-Blaché, and who went on to direct 800 (!) silent films, including the series of Fantômas and Les Vampires. This is a terrific story about a tramp who saves a robbery victim and receives as a reward a large note, which he can't redeem. Told perfectly in visuals - no need for any verbal explanation. 9/10.

🍿 THE BRIDGE (1929), the first silent film by Charles Vidor, (who went on to make 'Gilda'.) It's the first adaptation of Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" about a man about to be hanged during the Civil war, who sees his whole life flashing before him. I already seen the 1961 Oscar-winning French version. 8/10.

🍿 PEOPLE OF THE POE VALLEY (1947), Michelangelo Antonioni's very first documentary about the poor peasants and fisherman who live along the river. Neo-realism 1.0.

🍿 IT'S NOT JUST YOU, MURRAY (1964) was actually Martin Scorsese's second film [His first, 'What’s a Nice Girl Like You Doing in a Place Like This?' was way too puerile]. It's a solid Film School crime-comedy, with many of his later obsessions already pronounced. First time he used his mom Catherine, the Felliniesque mobster world view, the joy of abundance. 6/10. [I still haven't seen 'Boxcar Bertha'.]

🍿 Because I'm a completist, I watched Alexander Payne's very first film school short, CARMEN (1985), the only one of his I haven't seen before. It's an offensive, silent slapstick experiment about a drooling imbecile who works at a gas station in the desert. NO! 1/10.

🍿 The omnibus INCOHERENCE (1994) was Bong Yoon Ho's first production after film school. The unrelated episodes tells of 3 respected members of society, a teacher who reads 'Penthouse', a jogger who steals milk from doorsteps, and a drunk expert who has to take a shit in the street late at night. In the epilogue they all appear on a TV talk show, and seem as normal as everybody else would.

🍿 FORCED HILARITY (2001) on the other hand was a much better Edgar Wright short with thought balloons, an early Nick Frost appearance and one dramatic plot twist.

🍿 (Not exactly the first or great, but) CAKE (2017) with Maxine Peake. 2 well dressed women at a barren end-of-the-line road don't want to wait for Godot, so they discuss the best way to die. Artsy.

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THROW-BACK TO THE ADORA ART PROJECT:

Adora with Akira Kurosawa.

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(ALL MY FILM REVIEWS - HERE).

#movies #akira kurosawa #toshiro mifune #ran #throne of blood

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smokeybrandreviews · 1 month ago

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Drowsy part One

I feel like I write about this twice a month but it irks the f*ck out of me. Veilguard has recently become the gimme for PS Plus and an entire slew of new content about how awful the game is because of “Woke” is flooding the internet. This sh*t annoys the f*ck out of me because, as a Black dude in America, it was my culture which coined the term. It originally meant to be aware of your standing in a society built on discrimination and oppression. My ancestor’s slave labor in the past, literally built this ungrateful ass country into the economic powerhouse that it’s become in the current era. When the term was co-opted by other persecuted groups, we wholly accepted them into the flock. That’s a unique thing about the Black plight. We fight for everyone, not just ourselves, but that sentiment of comradely is rarely reciprocated. It’s always bewildering to me seeing proper Africans or Mexicans side with the oppressor against those filthy Blacks because they see themselves as our better but, in reality, to the oppressors, they’re just as trash. Useful idiots that can be pointed to in order to dismiss our very real, very lived, experienced. But that’s a topic for another day. My focus with this rant is to explain, for the umpteenth time, that Wokeness isn’t some toxic ideal that is rotting away at “traditional American values”. Historically, they should go hand-in-hand. Melting pot and all. It’s just that, as time has gone on and a slew of asshole neckbeards have been given an amplified microphone due to the interwebs, the true meaning of woke has been lost in the shuffle of childish, immature, tantrums fueled bigoted hate.

Dragon Age: The Veilguard is a bad game. There is a myriad of reasons why this sh*t sucks but, the biggest reason of all, is the writing. That sh*t is awful as hell. Dialogue is cheesy and forced, the character work is even worse than f*cking Andromeda, and the overall plot of the game is trash. Coming off the excellent and my favorite of the series, DA: Inquisition, watching a playthrough of Veilguard was pure disappointment. I can forgive a shift in art direction but to deliver such awful, churlish, writing is a cardinal sin. Especially for a Bioware game. You want to soft reboot the franchise? Bring in an entirely different set of players? Go for it. There are ways to execute that without alienating former fans. You have to be clever with your word and properly build an epic which passes that torch. You respect what came before while simultaneously setting the ground work for something new. The Persona franchise is great at this sh*t. We’re five games in, with five separate narratives, each paying homage to the formers while telling their own, compelling ass story. Nothing compels you with The Veilguard and that’s the problem. It’s not the fact that Taash his non-binary and won't shut the f*ck up about it or that you can add top surgery scars to your character or that all of the “female” characters tend to look real dude-ish or the fact they kill off a fan favorite character early on or any of the other superficial reasons people hate this game. The Veilguard is bad the same reason all “Woke” sh*t is bad: Terrible goddamn writing and even worse execution of it. It’s fine to be Woke, you just cant be lazy about it. Case in point, f*cking Baldur’s Gate 3.

BG3 is the anti Veilguard in a lot of ways. It’s a Woke ass game that never oversteps its diversity or forces it down your throat with clumsy interactions. It’s never preachy about its Wokeness and, indeed, you wouldn’t even know how Woke the game is with how deft Larian executes it. I can’t speak to the trans representation in the game, don’t recall ever coming across anything like it. Maybe Nine-Fingers. I remember Jaheira alluding to something along those lines if you take her with during that first meeting but I could be wrong. That said, lesbian demigod and her priest lover fight off her intolerant father? Gay vampire confronting his abuser? Black warlock returning home to save his reagent father and then ascending to the highest chair in all of Baldur’s Gate? One of the main villains is a corrupt politician who manipulates his way into power, who also sold off one of your companions into Hells slavery? All of that is Woke! All of it! And that’s just the sh*t I can think of off the top of my head! And it won game of the year! Baldur’s Gate 3 is a masterpiece BECAUSE of its Wokeness. The gay vampire is one of the best characters ever written, with a depth you rarely see in a single video game. So is the hot, goth, ninja, priestess! The same people who despise Veilguard, heap unanimous praise of BG3. Why? It has much better writing and even better character work. Larian wasn��t lazy about executing their messaging. They took their time and developed an engrossing story, filled with ideals and agenda, which was masked by brilliantly developed plot and timeless characters. That’s the key to all of this; You can be Woke as f*ck as long as you’re clever with it. Preach your sermon, just make it entertaining and engaging.

#Dragon Age #Dragon Age: The Veilguard #Some ol' bullsh*t

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smokeybrand · 1 month ago

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Drowsy part One

BG3 is the anti Veilguard in a lot of ways. It’s a Woke ass game that never oversteps its diversity or forces it down your throat with clumsy interactions. It’s never preachy about its Wokeness and, indeed, you wouldn’t even know how Woke the game is with how deft Larian executes it. I can’t speak to the trans representation in the game, don’t recall ever coming across anything like it. Maybe Nine-Fingers. I remember Jaheira alluding to something along those lines if you take her with during that first meeting but I could be wrong. That said, lesbian demigod and her priest lover fight off her intolerant father? Gay vampire confronting his abuser? Black warlock returning home to save his reagent father and then ascending to the highest chair in all of Baldur’s Gate? One of the main villains is a corrupt politician who manipulates his way into power, who also sold off one of your companions into Hells slavery? All of that is Woke! All of it! And that’s just the sh*t I can think of off the top of my head! And it won game of the year! Baldur’s Gate 3 is a masterpiece BECAUSE of its Wokeness. The gay vampire is one of the best characters ever written, with a depth you rarely see in a single video game. So is the hot, goth, ninja, priestess! The same people who despise Veilguard, heap unanimous praise of BG3. Why? It has much better writing and even better character work. Larian wasn’t lazy about executing their messaging. They took their time and developed an engrossing story, filled with ideals and agenda, which was masked by brilliantly developed plot and timeless characters. That’s the key to all of this; You can be Woke as f*ck as long as you’re clever with it. Preach your sermon, just make it entertaining and engaging.

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citrusclowncircus · 8 months ago

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I see (and appreciate) those Dante top surgery scars (also your art is lovely)

THANK YOU!!! I like him so I have to hit him with my epic transgender beam because why else would he be super duper awesome sauce? (It's because he's trans and he transforms into a beautiful bear when he's older) Also thank u for enjoying my art!

#anonymous #ringleader's circus #ask

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thedawner · 2 years ago

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Currently listening to Too Human’s dev diary and this spurred me into another long-winded ramble. BE YE READY. (Pictured: Various concept art)

The first (and last haha /cries) game ended on a massive cliff hanger! I want to know what happens next, no matter how awful the fate of the characters will be! This world is good enough that it deserves some closure! I live off the hope that there're bits and pieces of the script somewhere stashed in the storage of one of the former devs and that one day… it will resurface… maybe with even more old concept art too, if I dare dream that far.

Seriously, I would love to see a lot more unearthed artwork for this more than from any other game. In the first dev diary, they showcased a wall filled with prints showing off so much stuff. Some of it I’ve seen floating on the internet, others are concepts of characters that were not featured much such as Frey or Hermod.

What an underwhelming fate this game has! Stuck in a limbo where I can’t even say that it has a cult following, such as Black & White (another game very dear to me that is in a similar situation). Most of the perception of this IP is fairly insular from what I observed, and it saddens me.

There’s nothing similar to Too Human out there! While I can find general ideas and aesthetics in other works, this specific combo of world design, character designs and story is unique to it, at least in my eyes.

There are out there iterations similar to the game’s Loki, Heimdall and Thor. They represent a model that I really like. However, this model being placed within Too Human’s universe satisfies some monster in my brain that craves this exact idea.

The artists who worked on Too Human did a wonderful job at concretizing the bleak yet cautiously hopeful atmosphere that haunts this universe. Among that, they also blended some body horror aspects into it as well and I want to talk a bit about that.

The Aesir are a good example with their cybernetic augments where, even the subtlest prosthetics, still have their own unsettling feeling. That might also come with interesting psychological aspects, too.

Heimdall’s holo glasses come to mind where you can see the thin, golden frames attach to his temples and branch out underneath his skin into what looks like purple veins.

A design that was crafted to be elegant still comes across as off-putting. I imagine he would be used to normal people stealthily gawking at him in meeting settings. One of the least rude behaviours that he could receive so he doesn’t complain much about it. Other, less nice, examples would be people treating him like a computer and chalking up any personal achievement to a simple ‘wave’ of his augments. Maybe ODIN himself would over-load him with duties because his cybernetics, that are rapid-information-processing-based, allow him to bear that. His Aesir colleagues might also often forget that he is his own person and not just an extension of their leader, ODIN.

Even Baldur, canonically described as the least augmented of his colleagues, still looks odd to the fellow human soldiers that he commands. Picture being a rookie wolf trooper just starting out to work under this Aesir. You hear your superiors praise him that at he, out of all the other gods, looks like a normal human person.

Then Baldur goes past you, a towering frame of expensive armor with glowing blue scars criss-crossing his face and weird blue eyes. The rune sword mounted on his back growls at you as its owner went on his business. Yes. That is totally a normal person. You feel so represented.

This disparity of perceptions circles back to the trans-humanist theme prevalent in this game (huhu Too Human title pun huhu). It’s obvious that the writers wanted to do so much more with what they already had in the game, but had to omit a lot. I mostly blame the Epic lawsuit that later on killed both the company and any hopes of a trilogy.

God(s), I’m repeating myself like a broken record, but this is why I’m so in love with this game. I could make up headcanons all day based on the little information that there is out there and it still would fit with the official bit of the story. This could have had a chance for a huge collaborative project that could’ve gone on and on.

AND YET.

He's dead, Jim.

He's gone and died.

He's croaked off.

I'm (not) sure why.

So far I have a dream that one day Denis Dyack, the original creator of the story, will give this a re-bound… one day.

#Too human #too human game #silicon knights #cyberpunk #norse mythology #norse myths #aesir #norse gods #heimdall #thor #baldur #hel #loki #mimir #once again thank you for taking the time to look through this #commentary

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mrcowboydeanwinchester · 2 years ago

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Hi Ola!! I wanted to show you my Trans!Benny with heart shaped top surgery scars in honor of Trans Day Of Visibility :D (The second photo is where I got the inspiration from !!!!🍃❤️🏳️‍⚧️)

THIS IS SO CUTE I LOVE IT the pink scars pop so beautifully in your art <333 and happy trans day of visibility!!!!!!!!! an epic slay on all fronts !!!

#benny lafitte #transnatural #ola answers

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modgirlyreposts-revamped · 3 years ago

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Bro why'd my art style lowkey suck back then jwhthejbfbf- anyway I redrew Sarah too! Why does the way I draw her like chubby w/ freckles & acne scars actually give my dysmorphic ass so much comfort I love her 😭

DGHDJJSDKJDH SARAH W/ FRECKLES MY BELOVED-

also trans and bi Sarah???? Epic :00000

#asks #answered #spirits-in-the-wind

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tylerwritez · 4 years ago

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Sunday, September 19th, 2021, 10:31 p.m.

Hey guys

I'm here again,,, which, as y'all know, means I've got something to say.

My life has been sorta stupid lately. I dont quite remember when I posted here last, but,,, a LOT has happened since then. I got into a lot of new music and tweaked my image a bit, my parents found out all about my self harm... and now they are being REALLY strict. No closing doors, I gotta do my art downstairs instead of in my room, my messages got searched, my room and bags are regularly searched, its like I have 0 privacy which ie ridiculous because I'm not going to fucking kill myself if left alone for... omg... a few moments :0

Whatever. They're trying. I love my dad. My mom... I love her too yeah, but idk, I have a weird reaction inside me to her touch, I'm like GETOFFME which is so weird???? But it makes me panicky. Idk why. There are so many things I dont know about myself. I proabably have BPD. IM PISSED at my parents for being so strict but I understand why. It's because they're scared I'll hurt myself real bad one of these days and the damage will be hospital/death level.

I haven't self harmed since I cut up my left leg... so that's how long... lemme check

Since September 11th

It's been only 8 days? WHAT THE FUCKKKK??? it feels like so much longer. I guess that's what it's like when you're addicted... time passes slowly. For example, it feels like FOREVER since I last smoked a cig, but it was really on the 17th.

I made a new friend which is cool. I'm going to call them Velo, which is in their disc user but not their actual name. Velo is pretty cool... they're a chill person, and I'm afraid I maybe came off as annoying, but I'm doing my best at social interaction,,, its been a long time.

Velo has been helping my tattoo my arm, I did a heart and they designed a face to go inside the heart. So far it's looking super epic! I also have a smiley face on my knee, a sad face on the other knee, and I'm going to do a sun so i can match my BFF, whos getting a moon.

Wow I'm so #rebellious

ANYWAYS I'm not here to talk about my shitshow life. I'm here cos I'm sad and I wanna talk about that and HONESTLY doing my best right now Not to hurt myself because I WANT TO HURT MYSELF!!!! so badly. But it makes me feel guilty,... my parents were so upset. Crying and shit. It made me feel so bad, but like, they shouldnt be doing all that crying shit in front of me... I swear sometimes they forget that I have feelings too...

Right now, I'm mostly upset about my slight weight gain... I'M FUCKING FAT and ugly as fuck, my acne meds dont seem to be working and I... my fucking face... is shaped WEIRD.... i look at my body and I dont even see anything remotely human it all looks disgusting and fat and gross and repulsive and like some kinda of monster and my skin is disgusting and full of acne like some kinda monstrous thing and I have got scars and scabs and... it hurts. It hurts knowing how fucking ugly I am. Seeing that other kids my age havent got dots all over their fucking faces, it's just me. Since I was 10 years old. And IM FAT holy shit I'm so fat I'm so ugly I dont even look human my lips are gross and my nose is fucked up and I dont even look like a boy becos my thighs and hips are fuckinf massive I hate seeing little blond children knowing theyll grow up without my fuckinf problems, I HATE IT, I HATE CHILDREN I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THOSE PERFECT FUCKING KIDS FUCK FUCK FUCKKK I hate seeing them knowing their family loves them and they never have to question that, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being trans, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being mentally ILL and of having everyone deny your sickness and assume you're a bad person and ruin your ability to trust adult authority figures and ruin your relationship with your parents and ruin your ability to walk into offices without crying or tensing up FUCK if I was a bit more off the rails than I am right now id take one of those little blond kids and beat the shit outta them because fUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU, ,, WHY YOU ??? WHY YOU AND NOT ME? WHY??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE AS A CHILD TO DOOM ME TO THIS??? and the answer is nothing. It's not that kids fault, or my fault, or some fake gods fault, or my parents fault, or the teachers fault..... its nobodies fault. This is just how things ended up. A combination of faults from everyone. We are all to blame, but in little, complex pieces that make me think that nobody is to blame.

Its sadder having no one to blame. You cant rile up your anger and point a finger saying YOU did this to me, its YOUR fault... you just gotta put your head down on your desk and cry because there was nothing anyone couldve done to make it better for you.

I'm sad.

Yknow tonight when i went to bed, I couldnt find my nice pillow... it's one of those fuckinf memory foam cool whatever pillows with a batman pillowcase. I looked all over for it but then I realized that the pillow in question is the one I use at my DADS house.... and i broke down crying. I was confused, my brain was confused, between my two houses, because it was thinking of it's old life.... in one house... I'm not even upset about the divorce, I swear to god I'm not. It's just sometimes, my brain is confused about where i am... and I just find that so SAD. It's like oh, right, my parents dont love each other no more, I forgot about that for a moment.

Yikes. ANYWAYS. talking about this didn't help much cos I'm still bawling my eyes out. I'd love to smoke some to calm me down but I only have 2 and I'm saving em for lunch tommorow with my friend... goddamn. I give in. If I'm not too exhausted, I'm going to burn myself and then ill cry some more cos I look like freddy fuckin kreuger then I'll burn myself some more.

Goodnight guys... not that theres anyone out there whose even listening, who even CARES. Jesus.

#judejournals #jude shepard #tumblr journal #tumblr diary #divorce #sadcore #Spotify

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genderhawk · 5 years ago

Text

A Long List of Marketable Skills

Aka; My Commissions Post

Capitalism exists, we all know the drill.

To commission me, get in touch via this form (link in full: https://forms.gle/oubqobDyF8emSeXq5 )

All prices all negotiable based on my availability, your project, and the actual work needed. These are just estimates so that you might better judge your ability to ask.

My Writing:

Narrative fiction (Most genres) - $5 starting, + $5 for every 500 words (some rounding)

Poetry (narrative, rhyming and free verse, epic, short, etc) - $10 base, price adjusted based on length and prompt

Academic work (Articles for zines/collections/etc) - $25 base + $10 a page + 15 for sources

Professional work (Ads, emails, newsletters, posters etc) - Prices vary heavily

Tabletop Games:

One shots: Dungeons and Dragons 5e, other systems considered (run and/or written by me, no published modules) - Written guides: Custom - $30 | From my private collection - $15 || Run by me: Custom - $55 | From my private collection - $40

Campaigns : Dungeons and Dragons 5e, other systems considered (run and/or written by me, no published modules) Written guide - $25/per session | Run by me - $40/per session

Character help: most systems (building, sheet format) - $15

Educational:

Tutoring: Reading comprehension, English composition, literature, history, theater/performing arts, political and social sciences, research skills - $15-30/hour depending on subject and difficulty

Spelling and Grammar editing for any work - $15/page

Essay help - $15/hour

I also give workplace sensitivity trainings, education on trans and nonbinary issues, and other assorted for educators and mental health professionals, and groups of all ages

Creative

Art refs: black skin, natural hair, scars from assorted surgeries, pose and lighting etc $10 for images I already have + $5 for new references

Audio recordings: Stories, articles, text books, poems, monologues etc - $15 for the first 10 minutes + $10 for each five minutes thereafter (discounts for childcare needs and/or accessibility of non-visual media can be discussed)

Sensitivity reading - $15 a page for cultural competence + $5/page hazard pay for any topics that might cause distress to be discussed | I can read for intermittent wheelchair use, blackness, autism, queer shit, genders, dissociative identity disorder, schizoaffective, probably more idk just ask

Commission availability depends heavily on current workload and the difficulty of your request and, in light of that, I will be open to discussion of commissions at any time (for as long as commissions remain open) but may not be able to accept them all.

#writing commissions #sensitivity reader #art ref

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paler-than-thou · 7 years ago

Note

Oh sorry! The invasive gays thing!

OH. XD Fair enough and holy shit anon, you want even more oversharing huh ^^

OKAY SO

(putting this under a Read More for people, and this is for this post!)

1. What’s your gender?

Male, though I kinda say ‘transmale’ automatically these days.

2. what are your pronouns?

He/him

3. is your family accepting?

Hhhh on the whole, yes, though I do wonder sometimes.

4. what do you wish you could tell your past self?

The depression won’t magically fix itself, and the things you’re doing now are just going to make it worse. But...it does get better, it gets brighter and one day you’ll smile and realise it isn’t perfect, but it’s good.

5. what is your sexuality?

Asexual! And fucking proud of it.

6. favorite color?

Depends on mood, ranges from darkish-red (trying not to say blood red but that’s the actual shade) to green. If we’re talking combos? Black/white/red.

7. sun gay or moon gay?

I’d say moon, I get a lot of my light and shit from my friends 8D

8. when did you find out your sexuality?

Fairly recently, after a lot (and I mean a lot) of personal growth. From gay to bi to maybe?straight?no? to bi to demi to ace.

9. how was your day?

Quiet, thank you for asking ^^

10. do you have any gay friends?

I honestly don’t think I have any straight ones.

11. what’s your favorite hobby?

Modding, arting, being an ass

12. who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

The ones who made it, the ones who are making it, the ones who still fight, the ones who stay silent, the ones who make noise. All of you.

13. which pride flags do you like the most design/color wise?

Design and colour-wise? Bi, pan, trans, and really REALLY like that Ace/Aro/Agen flags too. Good thing I’m trans, ace and aro then really huh XD

14. are you openly out?

Yup, and very much FIGHT ME about it.

15. are you comfortable with yourself?

I’d be lying if I said yes. Not 100%, but I’m at the ‘Do no harm, take no shit’ stage in life, and doing a lot better than I was.

16. bottom or top?

Depends on mood. Mostly top.

17. femme or butch?

Again, depends on mood. I’m a great hairy monstrosity, but I also like skirts and makeup.

18. do you bind?

Used to! Don’t have anything to bind any more though.

19. do you shave?

Not enough 8D I used to shave my legs, but after starting T and getting hair just everywhere, I gave up. I’m beardy, though and need to shave twice a day if I want to be clean-shaven the day through. Needless to say, I haven’t found anything worth shaving that often for.

20. if you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

Kinda already doing so with the people I want to ^^

21. do you have a partner (s)?

Yup! Two of them in fact.

22. describe your partner (s)?

How do you describe perfection? I can describe colour better than I can those two. Oh, wait, hold on. Lemme try.

One’s an Elder God from the unknowable reaches, their eyes the colour of exploding stars and their multitude of arms clad in the skin of forgotten nebulas that will never see the birth of a star, their mind the unending scream of creation that beguiles and bemuses the artist they bless with their knowledge.

The other? A dragon of death and thunder. Their body a cacophony of storms and rivers, clad in the scales of cold certainty and metal, bright with the sheen of the oceans and scars showing the wars they’ve won. Their eyes old and the colour of warmth, hypnotising and inspiring in turns. Their roar is one that uplifts their loves and scatters their enemies.

That’s close, right, guys?

23. have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?

Ayup.

24. anyone of another sex?

Ayup.

25. pastel gay or goth gay?

Oh, goth, 100%. I can’t pastel to save my life.

26. favorite dad in dream daddies?

I have to choose?!

27. tell me a random fact about yourself?

I like pineapple on pizza, and have it every time I can :3

28. do you own any pride flags/merch?

Not enough. I hoard trans stuff, and get inordinately excited if I find something that makes up the flag.

29. have you ever been to a pride parade?

Once or twice. Unfortunately marching is not something I’m good at.

30. any advice to someone who isn’t out or who is exploring themselves?

Firstly: you do not have to ‘come out’. It’s entirely fine to spend your life pretty cool with who you are and not be interested in telling anyone. Us that are out aren’t somehow ‘better’ than you. Secondly, take your time. If you never quite manage to find where you sit, that’s okay! If you do, then that’s okay too. If it takes you years, that’s fine, if it takes hours then that’s cool too. If you find one label and it sticks for years, awesome! If you change it like clothes and have a new one each week, epic! There is literally no right way to be. Be what you want that’s true to yourself, and do not drag people for their choices.

Unless they choose to be assholes. Do no harm, but take no shit.

#Anonymous

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