#tozette's akatsuki office au

[tozettastone]

I'm casting an AU where the Akatsuki work in an office together.

Nagato and Konan comprise 51% ownership together. Nagato is CEO, Konan's COO so you know who does most of the work. They're not actually married but everyone thinks they are. They just trauma bonded after the tragic loss of the guy they were both dating. Konan talked him out of naming himself 'PAIN' but he does have a giant tattoo about it.

Kakuzu is the director of corporate affairs. He's a control freak about it.

Deidara and Sasori are the two man marketing department. Deidara doesn't believe in strategic vision; Sasori loses his mind when he has to alter his plans. It's going... not great. Together they are absolutely amazing at crisis management though. And Deidara loves crisis management.

Itachi is the head of legal. He used his family's money to get the fanciest law degree on the planet but had a falling out with them after his entry to the bar about the allegedly unethical source of their wealth. He still works for Akatsuki, which isn't exactly a nonprofit.

Kisame is Itachi's common law partner who is a... private contractor, who is employed on an ad-hoc basis by Akatsuki for specific professional services. He mostly takes gym selfies and sends them to Itachi to get him through each bonkers day. But some days, he charges tens of thousands to go to work for 3 hours. He's good at his job.

Orochimaru used to be the head of R&D but now he's left the company and has embroiled them in a litigious tangle about intellectual property in the commercialisation of his research. Itachi's predecessor was ousted ("ousted") over the hole in his contract, and now they're trying really hard to patch it up. It's not going great.

Hidan is the receptionist. If you canvas businesses to try to sell to them, or if you show up without an appointment, Hidan is there to take very, very good care of you. He's also carrying on with Kakuzu ("boyfriend," would be pushing it) but it's not really affecting his enthusiasm for his work.

Obito/Tobi: intern and general dogsbody, but he's also a 9% shareholder. He does not really need to work here. He's choosing this.

Zetsu shows up once a week to water the office plants. They're mostly lilies.

What, you might ask, does this company actually do? Well. Akatsuki has... a variety of interests. Waste management. Wealth management. Risk mitigation. You know. This and that.

[electra-pylades]

The Great  Sakura Haruno Fanfiction Recommendation List

Otherwise known as my September 2019 Fanfiction Roundup 

The Get-Goods: In which our girl Sakura gets to train and become the bad ass she was always meant to be. (most romantic pairings are minimal). 

Retrograde Motion by Crunchysunrises -  From sixteen to eleven didn't feel like a big jump until she realized that she was now the best ninja in their class. And that tiny Sasuke hates her for it. [My all time favorite Naruto fanfic. Funny and filled with incredible world building. This is what canon Naruto wishes it was]

Expedient by SwiftKick - Konoha and Iwa sign a truce and agree to an Exchange Program between recently promoted genin to "bolster village relations." Fortunately, if anything were to go wrong, Haruno Sakura was just average enough to risk losing. [This one really plays with the idea of Sakura as a Redshirt and what that would do to your psyche. There’s some Deidara/Sakura, but it’s mostly focused on her growth.]

a girl in the forest of moss and bone by theformerone -  Katsuyu spits acid in her eyes, and Sakura must prove herself worthy enough for the slugs of Shikkotsu Forest to heal. [Sakura goes to Shikkotsu Forest to become a Slug Sage. This one feels like Naruto by way of Princess Mononoke.] 

Pulling My Weight by itsthechocopuff - During their mission to Wave, Sakura realises how behind she is in her training and decides to do something about it. She vows to become a shinobi her Village and her teammates can respect and depend on.

Survival of the Fittest by  cywscross -  Sakura is thirteen, still a Genin, lost in the middle of Earth Country, lugging an unconscious Chuunin around, and so far beyond scared that she’s moved right on to pissed off.

How To Save The World With No One Even Realizing by IncompleteSentanc (Erava) - It all starts with Rin's kidnapping, and her subsequent rescue at the hands of a mysteriously appearing, monstrously strong, murderously violent woman. A woman with cotton candy pink hair.

Kill Your Heroes by Evil Is A Relative Term - It's time to stop waiting for other people to save you. A story about fear, resilience, and Sakura.

Dirt and Ashes, or: The One-and-a-Half Body Problem by Tozette -  The invasion of Konoha during the chuunin exam didn't fail. Team seven is broken, people are dead, and Sakura is hurt and frightened and a very long way from home.

ABO:  In which ABO Fics treat the female characters better than the canon. 

Gratuitous Title Here, Please by Esloriath -  Sakura Haruno has hidden her omega status for as long as she can remember. What happens when an unplanned fight with the Akatsuki drains her of her last chakra reserves - those she uses to mask her scent?

Taken by MistressDragonFlame - Haruno Sakura was an Omega. She didn't let her status hold her back, becoming a Jounin of Konohagakure, a disciple of the Godaime Hokage, and the strongest shinobi in the village. All she had to ensure was that she managed her heats, and kept a respectful distance between herself and her Alpha teammates.

Heart Under a Blade by yunyu -  Kakashi suspects the universe is out to punish him for his failures in the most poetic and painful matter possible, but he's pretty sure he deserves it.

YOUNGins: In which our baby is a baby - and also a bad ass. 

The Flowers Cherish You by  ich_bin_ein_stern -  Nature has always cared for Sakura and Sakura has always loved nature. They have a beautiful, strong bond. But can such a bond withstand the tragedies that follow a shinobi's life? 

About Face by  wroth_and_ruin  - A little yellow-haired boy saves Sakura from the bullies. And everything changes.

Time Flies Like an Arrow by  Katlou303 -  Sakura traveled back in time with the intent of changing everything, but something went wrong, and now she's four years old having nightmares about impossible monsters and losing friends she has yet to meet.

Freedom in the Eyes of Another by Oroburos69 -   The Wave Mission was a failure. They got caught, captured, taken-it didn't end well. Now Sakura has a half-heard order, uncut fingernails, and more desperation than bravery. One way or another, she's getting Team Seven out today.

ROMANCE: 

How & Why by  randomsomeone - A psychological war gets completely out of control. Lust doesn't cut it and love doesn't just happen, so how else can it work? [One of the all time Greats. Gaara/Sakura]

Heartbeat by letmeannoyyoutoday -  From the beginning of their relationship, Sakura never failed to thank Sasuke for every little gesture that he made. It took a while for him to realize that the reason she did it was because, the moment she accepted to be his wife and give him all that she had left to give, she honestly never expected to receive anything in return. [One of the few stories that made me really care about this couple. SasuSaku]

In Case of Blue Scroll by Leola Majora -   In Case of Blue Scroll the Hokage must lock himself in his office and pull his hair out as what he thought were memories of a long lost love turn out to be the memories of a mission he was about to assign his former student, Sakura Haruno.

Roommates From Hell (and Other Miscalculations) by Crunchysunrises -  Itachi has a girlfriend.  So does Kakashi.

Ikebana by waitingatthecrossroads -  She should never have caught his attention. Pursued by a prodigy, can Sakura manage to escape Itachi's determined clutches? Will she even want to?

CROSS OVERS and AUs 

Menagerie by Crunchysunrises -  Twelve of Konohagakure's shinobi are cursed by the animals of the zodiac. Most of them are pretending to be Sakura's pets. [Fruits Basket meets Naruto] 

The Natural Habitat of Haruno Sakura by Tozette - Sakura moves to a new town to attend university and desperately needs to find a cheap room in a share house.Luckily, the Akatsuki need a new housemate.

[kakuhida-by-hoppspindel]

Fic rec master post

I’ve finally made that master post I’ve talked about. Thank you to all of you who sent me recs! :)

These recs are mostly Kakuhida but some are not. Kakuzu and/or Hidan are in all of them.

Is it life or art? by @lilac-bramble

Summary; AU Kakuzu/Hidan set against the tempestuous backdrop of the London art scene. Kakuzu is an investment banker with an extensive art collection and a difficult past; Hidan is a notorious life model unwillingly moving into the world of fashion. They take to each other inexplicably and immediately, but can they keep it together as their friends' relationships deteriorate around them and Hidan just can't seem to stay out of trouble?

An affair of the heart by @lilac-bramble

Summary; As Hidan begins to piece himself back together in Shikamaru's trap, his first thought is just how much he wants to see Kakuzu...

Rapacious by Grandma_wolf

Summary; What really goes bump in the night? Are those fireflies fluttering between the branches of those trees? Or could it be a predator keeping an eye on it's latest meal? 

Camera-shy by Grandma_wolf

Summary; When young Business-major Itachi Uchiha's uncle asks him to manage his business for him while he recuperates in the hospital, Itachi jumps at the opportunity. Of course, he hadn't been expecting to be placed dead-center in the porn industry by having to oversee a group of online camera-show actors. Including one whom he was a loyal viewer and 'supporter' of. He even had several items from Mr. 'Caribbean Blue's online store. Not that he ever needed to reach for the 1/2 scale vibrator while watching him.

To teach you (nothing like a zombie apocalypse) by Tozette

Summary; Hidan’s plans for today have changed from make it home and take a nap to choose which way to die is least shitty. Since he’s contemplating it anyway, he’s pretty sure he’d prefer the explosion to the fall, but he’s still open to alternatives that, you know, don’t involve dying.

Something you do at gunpoint by Tozette

Summary; He knows he's got the right guy because he's seen pictures of him. He's got pictures, addresses, schedules. He's got the CCTV footage. He knows he's got the right guy. So it's really inconvenient when he sets up his rifle on the rooftop with the best angle into the guy's office window, sees his mark cross the lens of the scope and thinks:   Hidan's always more trouble than he's worth. He blinks. And buried inside him somewhere, something big and ancient and a little scary wakes up.

Dirt and Ashes, or: the one.and-a-half body problem by Tozette

Summary; The invasion of Konoha during the chuunin exam didn't fail. Team seven is broken, people are dead, and Sakura is hurt and frightened and a very long way from home.Alternative summary: In which Sakura carries half of Hidan across two countries, leaving a trail of blood, bodies, and other people's legs.

Masala Dosa by Firefly

FF.net won’t let me copypaste the summary/authors’ notes, but click the link and you can see what it’s about!

Paying a compliment by Firefly

FF.net won’t let me copypaste the summary/authors’ notes, but click the link and you can see what it’s about!

Extasis by Firefly

FF.net won’t let me copypaste the summary/authors’ notes, but click the link and you can see what it’s about!

Say hello to your new partner by Firefly

FF.net won’t let me copypaste the summary/authors’ notes, but click the link and you can see what it’s about!

Callow lamb by Firefly

FF.net won’t let me copypaste the summary/authors’ notes, but click the link and you can see what it’s about!

Hardly eternity by Makkoska

Summary; The Edo Tensei ends but Kakuzu manages to stay alive. He can’t die yet, not when he has an important thing to do. He has to rescue Hidan.

Forever by Makkoska

Summary; Hidan thinks about his long-time partner on a sleepless night. Sequel to Hardly Eternity.

Stranger things have happened by Makkoska

Summary; When Hidan is captured by a group of shinobi hunting for him, Kakuzu grudgingly has to come to his rescue. It starts a chain of events that neither of them anticipated.

Catch me if you can by Makkoska

Summary; Kakuzu and Hidan need to change from their Akatsuki cloaks so they won’t draw attention to themselves. When Hidan’s choice of clothing doesn’t meet Kakuzu’s approval he does his best to get him out of it. Hidan resists.

Company by BlessedMasochist

Summary; They aren't necessarily in love, but they're the best they have.

Evolution of us by Senko wakimarin

Summary; “No one ever expected them to get along, it seemed inevitable that they hate each other. But underneath each argument and fight there lurked something stronger.”

Hallowed by Jashin-chan

Summary; “He could never REALLY forget the best eleven years of his life. Not he, the everlasting martyr.../ A background story, Hidan's POV.”

Follow your arrow by Weirdowithagun

Summary; "When the straight and narrow gets a little too straight, just follow your arrow wherever it points." -Kacey Musgraves Doctor Kakuzu Hoku had followed one straight and narrow path his entire life in the pursuit of his one and only love; Money. Dubbed the 'asshole of the century' he constantly finds himself having to get new secretaries via his old friend Kisame Hoshigaki, the friendly and easy-going human resources worker. Unfortunately for Kakuzu, Kisame makes a bit of an error sending him his latest employee while trying to help out one of his friends, a man by the name of Itachi Uchiha, who's new roommate has been having a hard time finding work due to his less than spectacular legal history.Hidan San is 'desperately afraid of his own desires', and throughout his unfortunate life has never managed to find a place he could really call home, or people he could really call friends, until he accepts a job in a last-ditch effort to appease his roommate that ends up sticking him with the man he's come to know as Dr. Satan. After a string of self-realizations and mini-panic attacks, they find themselves suddenly on a completely new path that greets them both with surprise after surprise.

Also two of my own at the end becasue why not :p

Waves by Hoppspindel

Summary; Short fic. Kakuzu and Hidan goes on a boat trip. Fluff and smut.

Kakuhida oneshot by Hoppspindel

Summary; Short fic. Basically just smut :p

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Feel free to send me more rec if you have any that aren’t on this list! :)

[tozettastone]

Sasori as the Brand Police is completely terrifying, actually. I have invented an actual nightmare. Your 22-slide presentation has one misplaced apostrophe and it's all, "Are you intending to present this externally? Incompetence isn't a facet of the Akatsuki brand identity."

And god help you if you used the eyedropper tool to get the colours instead of using RGB from the style guide and now the red is 0.5% darker.

[tozettastone]

May I ask why you chose director of corporate affairs instead of CFO for Kakuzu in your office AU?

Akatsuki Corp doesn't have a CFO! That's because I personally don't like writing about financial projections, risk mitigation and financial reports. I reckon they have a lower-seniority finance manager, who probably lives in terror of both Kakuzu and Itachi, and who won't even touch accounts payable without approval from one of them in writing. (You CAN bill the Akatsuki. But should you?)

Instead, Kakuzu is a Director of Corporate Affairs who doesn't sleep and is in everyone's business and calls you 5 times at between 6AM and 7AM because he found an error in an invoice from 1987 that he was personally inspecting just then. 8:30AM is too late—he's harassing HR about their comms plan then, he doesn't want them to accidentally say anything that suggests the company might be in any way responsible to their staff, who should be very grateful to have jobs at all.

I think he is still very value- and risk-minded, though, so he is a holy terror for everyone anyway.

[tozettastone]

The Akatsuki office au Christmas party is either absolutely wild, or just very boring and awful and if you're invited you have to let someone take you to a secondary location to have a good time. Someone probably dies, idk.

[tozettastone]

Extremely legitimate business with a twenty six year history and a squeaky clean tax record. They solve complex problems with innovative solutions. Don't let them out of your sight.

I'm casting an AU where the Akatsuki work in an office together.

Nagato and Konan comprise 51% ownership together. Nagato is CEO, Konan's COO so you know who does most of the work. They're not actually married but everyone thinks they are. They just trauma bonded after the tragic loss of the guy they were both dating. Konan talked him out of naming himself 'PAIN' but he does have a giant tattoo about it.

Kakuzu is the director of corporate affairs. He's a control freak about it.

Deidara and Sasori are the two man marketing department. Deidara doesn't believe in strategic vision; Sasori loses his mind when he has to alter his plans. It's going... not great. Together they are absolutely amazing at crisis management though. And Deidara loves crisis management.

Itachi is the head of legal. He used his family's money to get the fanciest law degree on the planet but had a falling out with them after his entry to the bar about the allegedly unethical source of their wealth. He still works for Akatsuki, which isn't exactly a nonprofit.

Kisame is Itachi's common law partner who is a... private contractor, who is employed on an ad-hoc basis by Akatsuki for specific professional services. He mostly takes gym selfies and sends them to Itachi to get him through each bonkers day. But some days, he charges tens of thousands to go to work for 3 hours. He's good at his job.

Orochimaru used to be the head of R&D but now he's left the company and has embroiled them in a litigious tangle about intellectual property in the commercialisation of his research. Itachi's predecessor was ousted ("ousted") over the hole in his contract, and now they're trying really hard to patch it up. It's not going great.

Hidan is the receptionist. If you canvas businesses to try to sell to them, or if you show up without an appointment, Hidan is there to take very, very good care of you. He's also carrying on with Kakuzu ("boyfriend," would be pushing it) but it's not really affecting his enthusiasm for his work.

Obito/Tobi: intern and general dogsbody, but he's also a 9% shareholder. He does not really need to work here. He's choosing this.

Zetsu shows up once a week to water the office plants. They're mostly lilies.

What, you might ask, does this company actually do? Well. Akatsuki has... a variety of interests. Waste management. Wealth management. Risk mitigation. You know. This and that.