#today's one social interaction failure is that someone tried to give me a high five and i shook his hand. :/.

[walterdecourceys]

ok ok goodnight :)

[stephhannes]

fireworks that went off too soon

i guess i haven’t really written anything since i was in new york back in may, and i promise i have a great excuse: i was sad. 

when i got back from new york, i spent basically the entire month in bed. i really don’t remember anything i did, other than hope i’d get hit by a car. 

i finally hit my breaking point of living in abilene. it was good for awhile, but there’s nothing for me here. the only thing that made living here for a year tolerable was being able to travel out of state every few weeks. i absolutely needed the time i spent in abilene to recuperate. i spent 10 months feeling like i had all the breath knocked out of me, but finally i started to feel like myself again. once i started to feel like myself again, i felt stagnant in abilene, almost claustrophobic- that’s when i knew it was time for me to start moving on. when nathan died, i was so afraid that when i came back to abilene i’d just be stuck here forever. i’ve never once felt like i belonged here, and when i got drawn back after i had been gone for five years i felt like a failure and like i’d never get an opportunity to escape. and then i got the opportunity:

at the end of june i did two things: drove to colorado to gone girl myself and just be off the grid for a few days, and got hired as a house manager at the paramount in austin. 

my first day at work was on july 4th, i was super nervous- but for once in my life, i just walked into the room and confidently pretended like i knew what i was doing, like i was actually qualified to do something. after my first day, i realized that i’m definitely qualified to do something. 

my favorite thing about house managing is that there’s a hot 45 minutes of action before the show starts, but as soon as the show goes up, everything is calm. there’s something comforting in knowing that no matter how terrible and hectic pre-show is, there’s going to be a break eventually. 

after my first day, i kept texting everyone saying “i feel so powerful, someone needs to collect me, i think someone made a mistake giving me this much power.” i think most of my power comes from the shoes i bought for work that clack really loudly when i walk on tile, the other 10% comes from how confident i am in decision-making and being a leader now. which is weird, because i’ve never made a decision in my entire life. 

my least favorite thing about house managing is the poverty that comes along with it. that being said, i’m out here looking for a second job so if anyone has any leads, hit me up. i’ve been so stressed for the last two weeks over buying furniture for my new apartment. look, i’m a taurus, so my home space is very important to me. every place i’ve lived in, i’ve had a clear way i want it to look and i can’t rest until it’s exactly representative of my vision. i’m moving back into the same apartment that i lived in during undergrad, literally the exact same bedroom, with my exact same roommate. some of my old furniture is still there, and i realize that i could just re-use all of it and have the same bedroom i had when i previously lived there. but i honestly don’t think my heart can handle it. i lived in austin for 12 years without nathan in my life, but no matter where i go here, i just see him. it’s hard enough driving down the street in between work and home and remembering the time we went to the taco bell cantina and then walked around campus, or the thai place that i took him the first time he ever visited me, or the apartment complex i lived in the first time he visited me. the other day, i was in a kerbey lane location that i don’t normally go to, but i had gone with nathan once, and andrew mcmahon started playing over the speakers and i almost lost my shit. sometimes even being back in the apartment itself is hard for me to handle, the first time i visited my old roommate after nathan died, i spent the night on the couch, and all i could think about was the time we’d both fallen asleep on the couch watching star wars back when he tried to make me watch all the movies. 

the point of all of this being: i’m back on my bullshit and i have a new vision for how i want my bedroom to look- a complete 180 from what it used to be, but i can’t afford it and i’m about to be so anxious until i can get it to what i want. 

it feels really good to be back in society, but it’s been weird meeting new people. for the first time since nathan died, i’m interacting with people who have no idea of who i am, no clue of where i’ve been or what i’ve done, and i’ve been having a hard time figuring out how much to tell people, and when to tell them, and how i want to present myself to people. there are some people that know my fiancé died, but there are some people that have asked me if i was married and i responded with “nah, but i was previously engaged” and left it at that. i hate when people ask me “what brought you to texas from new york?” i’ve completely omitted my time in philly. i don’t mention it on my resume, or in conversation because i hate that time in my life so incredibly much. i usually deflect, and say, “oh, well i was born in austin so i came back!” which doesn’t really answer the question, but it answers a question. sometimes i feel like i seem shady when i have to do these weird conversational navigations but like…. i don’t know what i’m doing. i’ve never had to do this before! 

the other day at work, the coworker that’s been training me introduced me to someone as, “this is stephanie. she used to work at the daryl roth in new york city, and she’s really fucking good! i barely have to tell her how to do anything, she just knows how to be a house manager.”

and it’s true, i’m really fucking good at my job. 

and i’m having a hard time accepting that i’m doing well. 

when i got hired, i was so sad. i was so sad because it feels like accomplishments mean nothing without nathan by my side to celebrate with me. i remember how proud he was of me last year when i had managed to get a bunch of theatre job interviews lined up in philly, and i remember how supportive he was of me back in new york when i struggled to find a job- and i miss it so much. i feel guilty for doing well without nathan in my life. i feel guilty that in the last week, i’ve been so stressed with starting a new job and trying to pack and move i haven’t really thought about him much.

but i think that what upsets me now, is that i get it. i get the guilt that he felt so strongly back when he graduated from acu and managed to move out of abilene. at the time, i was so confused as to why he wasn’t proud of himself, as to why he felt unable to celebrate his accomplishments- but i understand now. and it’s hard for me to be able to understand exactly how he felt with all of the guilt he had after high school. i’ve started to notice lately that a lot of my reactions and thought processes have been reflecting the same ones i saw in nathan, and i’ve felt so heavy knowing that he felt like this too. 

a year ago, i remember being so excited to start my new life with nathan. today, i still feel excitement to start again and to really start rebuilding my life- i’ll just always wish it was with nathan. 

returning to myself has felt so weird lately. i’ve started to notice characteristics of mine pop back up, every time it happens, i ask myself “wow where is this behavior coming from?” and then i remember, oh right, this is who i am. for example, lately after work i’ve found myself with a ton of energy- i want to come home and socialize with people, which is not something i’ve felt in a long time, and i was confused as to where all of this energy was coming from. and then i remembered how one of my favorite parts of the day was when i’d get home from work and then, incredibly enthusiastically, tell nathan about everything that had happened at work. i’d come home and get so worked up while recanting my night that i couldn’t fall asleep, but i was cool with it because that was when i got to spend quality time with nathan. 

long story short: i’m doing well, and i’m feeling bad about it. 

the next time i write anything will probably be next month, and i’m dreading it already. i’ve got a lot of feelings now that we’re approaching the one year anniversary. it’s going to be a hard day. 

for almost eight months, every single day, i would spend like an hour just running through that night’s events, reliving it. i don’t do that as often now, i haven’t thought about it in awhile, but i know that i’m going to be a total disaster on the anniversary. i’ve got a terrible memory, but i’m really good at remembering incredibly specific details of some days: i remember the shirt i was wearing, and that lady gaga’s “just dance,” was playing the day that nathan and i first kissed in 2011. i remember the way nathan’s hair smelled on that one day in english class sophomore year that our teacher let us sit and read wherever we wanted in the classroom, and nathan laid his head on my shoulder to read when we sat against the back wall together. (speaking of, the other day at work, a patron came in that smelled like nathan did in high school and i a) cried at work but b) kept scanning tickets because i’m not a little bitch). and unfortunately, i still remember, in incredible detail the night that he died.

we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. 

ps: there was nowhere to naturally fit this into the blog post, but while we’re on the subject of the fourth of july- i was reminded of one of my favorite memories with nathan. the first time he met my family, (grandma, cousins, etc) was two months after we’d started dating. the best part about having a boyfriend is having a plus one to all the things you don’t want to be at by yourself and the first time i played that card was to get him to come with me to the family fourth of july function. at one point, my cousin asked me to hold her baby and i was like “yeah ok, i’ll do it, but if i break your kid don’t get mad at me” because i have no idea how to interact with children. so i was holding this baby, and jokingly i asked nathan how he felt about it and he was like “i literally don’t think i’ve ever been less attracted to you,” and i was like “oh hell yeah we both hate kids thank god, this is gonna work out.”

[cinephiled-com]

New Post has been published on Cinephiled

New Post has been published on http://www.cinephiled.com/interview-hulu-documentary-jawline-shines-revealing-spotlight-boy-internet-stars/

Interview: The Hulu Documentary 'Jawline' Shines a Revealing Spotlight on Boy Internet Stars

In rural Tennessee, Austyn Tester, a 16-year-old newcomer to the live-broadcast ecosystem, attempts to become the next big Internet crush. Teen girls all over the world tune into online “boy broadcasts” like Tester’s, in a 21st-century version of Tiger Beat, where all your favorite heartthrobs might actually interact with you online for a minute or two — or more for the right price. But Tester’s earnestness sets him apart, peering wide-eyed into his laptop camera and professing unconditional love and support to his female fans for hours on end. What’s he selling? Male validation. In return, he asks for fame and a better life for his family. Will Tester’s open heart give him celebrity status and a chance to escape from his dead-end town, or is this new ecosystem built for failure?

Liza Mandelup’s fascinating documentary Jawline, now showing on Hulu, distills complex concepts about growing up in today’s connected world with its new and fleeting versions of the American Dream with a moving human portrait that questions the values we’ve passed onto our young people. Mandelup approaches this peculiar world with an intimate air of BFF confidentiality and finds that as esoteric as the Internet and its niches feel to some, boy broadcasts represent modern youth’s starvation for love and acceptance and susceptibility to exploitation — a tale, unfortunately, as old as time.

I sat down with director Liza Mandelup, and then separately with Austyn Tester, the earnest subject of the film, and Michael Weist, the young and driven entrepreneur/talent manager who is Tester’s polar opposite.

Danny Miller: Liza, I came to this film knowing next to nothing about this world. At first I was thinking how great it was at leveling the playing field, at giving someone like Austyn who had no resources and was kind of miserable in his small town a real chance to follow his dreams. But by the end of the film I saw it more as a cautionary tale. Do you see it that way at all?

Liza Mandelup: No, I don’t think I would call it a cautionary tale because I think the film gets into a lot of the positive aspects of this phenomenon as well. Like finding a community when you don’t feel that you have one and providing refuge to young girls who are feeling lost or even suicidal. I was very surprised by those aspects of this world.

Yes, I was moved by some of those girls, too, especially in the lower key settings where they got to spend time with Austyn and were so honest with him about their feelings. Unlike some of the other online personalities you see in the film, Austyn seems so sweet and unassuming, a real innocent.

That’s what I loved about him and why I picked him. We were shooting for like a year without a main character. I started by talking to the fangirls. Then I started making contact with some of the boys to see who I might shoot. The boys I spoke to all had around 10 or 20 thousand followers and they all had managers and did these big tours, something I wasn’t that familiar with — it took me a while to understand the system. That’s when I found Michael Weist who was such an interesting character. When I eventually heard of Austyn, he didn’t have a manager and hadn’t even done a tour yet.

And when Austyn finally got a manager (not Michael) and went on tour, that’s when everything started to go downhill for him, right?

After he did his first tour, I followed him back home with my camera and I had these visions that he’d be walking all over town giving high fives to everybody, that girls would be running from different directions to see him, and that he’d be this local celebrity wherever we went. But instead I found him to be very anxious, not wanting to leave his room, and not being that into broadcasting anymore. I felt so bad because he’s had a really difficult life and he was really starting to get the kind of attention that he so craved as a means to get out of his town.

He seemed so real, like he wasn’t faking his sincere attitude at all.

Oh, he clearly wasn’t faking it or else he would have continued faking it! Instead, some things happened to him that really hurt his feelings and he started to lose interest. I purposely chose someone that I thought had very good intentions, not some ruthless, obnoxious person who would do whatever it took to get to the top, so his being a little fragile was a risk I was taking.

When you starting shooting Austyn, did you have it in your head that maybe he’d be super famous by the end of the film? I did!

To be honest, I genuinely thought that he might be because of those qualities you mentioned. Girls just loved him! But there’s something very arbitrary about this world, and I’m not sure he was prepared for it. But I’m so grateful that I met Austyn because he took me to a place that’s way more human than I ever could’ve hoped for. When I started making film, I was worried that the film would lack humanity.

Austyn had none of the veneer or blind ambition that so many of those boys seem to have, including Michael Weist, the manager.

Right. I’m very happy to have Michael’s voice in the film but I also wanted someone who could reflect a very human experience, not just the statistical side of things like how to increase the number of your followers. I kept reminding myself that even though we were telling a story against the backdrop of social media technology, it was still a human story.

Which is why I found Austyn so appealing. Do you think he’ll be able to use the attention he’ll get now that the film is out to reboot his social media presence?

I kind of hope so. As a documentary filmmaker, I’d like to give back to him in some way and I hope the attention that the film gets helps him to figure out how he wants to exist in this world. But to be honest, I don’t know if he wants it anymore, I feel like we may have caught a moment in time. That’s the crazy part about documentaries that exist in a very specific timeframe. When we made this film, Austyn wanted that kind of success more than anything in the world. But in the course of making the film, he changed.

He’s such an interesting case study.

At the end of the film he kind of returns to his previous life. Now he has this opportunity to come back but I’m not sure how that will go. He was so young when we started filming and he’s still trying to figure out who he is, both in his real life as well as online.

After talking to Liza, I went down the hall to talk to young entrepreneur Michael Weist looking like a Hollywood superagent. Austyn was supposed to be in Los Angeles that day as well but had some family issues he had to deal with in Tennessee so he joined Michael and me via speakerphone.

Michael, I admit I had no idea that all these young online personalities even had managers, I learned so much about how it all works.

Michael Weist: Yeah, it’s kind of like a subculture that most people don’t know anything about. I’m glad that the film finally shows that to the world.

Austyn, I think you come across so great in the documentary but it ends on a bit of a questionable note regarding your Internet career. Have you gone back to that at all since the shooting ended?

Austyn Tester: To be honest, I’m not doing it right now, no. I’ve just been really lazy. Since I went on tour with all these famous social media people, I’ve had to come back home and get an actual job. I’m working at a Starbucks now.

Do you both like how you come off in the film? Are there any moments that make you cringe?

Michael Weist: Watching it back is definitely like seeing this time capsule of your life. But ultimately, it shows who I was at that time. I think Austyn can attest to that, too, that’s just who we were then. I don’t think there’s anything I’d really change because all that made me who I am today.

Austyn Tester: When I watch myself in the film, there are moments when I cringe. I was pretty young and I think some of the stuff I do online is pretty bad like the lip-synching! Things have changed a lot on social media since the film was made, so I’d really like to figure that out.

Cool. Michael, I assume you still have your business managing online people?

Michael Weist: Yes, I’ve been able to refine my company a bit more, trim off pieces that needed to be trimmed, and grow in the right areas. The world of social media has changed quite a bit and only people who adapt to it will survive.

What are the qualities you look for in a client?

Michael Weist: Number one, you need to have consistency on all your platforms. You need to be very determined, you can’t half-ass it. You have to be very personable, very outgoing. That’s the formula for success.

Austyn Tester: I know if I jump back in, I’d have to be consistent which I haven’t been at all lately. I get it, though. Why would people follow me if I’m not giving them anything to watch?

It was moving to see all those girls at your public events getting so much joy out of interacting with you. Was that ever overwhelming, dealing with those hordes of girls?

Austyn Tester: I always felt it was friendly, but sometimes it was a bit too much! I was always super nervous before a live show, though, just sweating and hurrying through it. I saw all the screaming girls and would think, “Oh my gosh, what if they don’t like me?”

Were you surprised when you watched the film and learned how much you helped some of those girls who were really struggling in their lives?

Austyn Tester: Yeah, that was amazing to see, I’m so glad I helped people with my social media presence, that’s all I ever wanted to do. I always tried to remain positive and inspire people. It was kind of crazy because I was like 15 or 16 changing these 13-year-old girls’ lives. You suddenly realize, holy cow, you really do have an influence on people. It’s kind of hard for me to believe that happened.