#to make someone else unknowingly inflict the 'killing blow' so that they would be the murderer

[makedamnsvre]

he is risen

[moistvonlipwig]

OUAT Week Day 6: Favorite plot twist

Snow White is a good person.

She has to be. That's the very last thing her mother asked of her -- to "hold the spirit of goodness" alive in her heart, so that Eva would never truly leave her.

Snow White is a good person, and that is why she let her mother die rather than take someone else's life. Snow White is a good person, and that is why she gave her child up, not once but twice, for the sake of her kingdom. Snow White is a good person, and that is why it is okay that she went to unimaginable lengths to ensure that her daughter would be too. It is vital to Snow White's psychological well-being, her very sense of self, that she is a good person.

But what if she's not?

That is the question both Snow and the audience are forced to grapple with after she tricks Regina into killing Cora in 2.16 "The Miller's Daughter." This moment is the fulcrum around which Snow's arc pivots, the point of no return after which her character will be irrevocably changed. Killing Cora in and of itself might not have been such a big deal, but playing on Regina's desire for a mother that loves her in order to manipulate her into unknowingly delivering the killing blow is a profound cruelty, one that Snow almost instantly regrets. Yet she cannot take it back. At the end of "The Miller's Daughter", Cora lies dead by her daughter's hand, and it is all Snow's doing.

This rocks Snow to her very core. By using the same candle to kill Cora that she had refused to use to save her mother, she has betrayed her mother's final request, and she is forced to truly confront the idea that she might not be good after all. She has briefly considered the idea before, but she has always been able to suppress the thought. No longer. Regina shows her her heart, and there is rot at its core, and it is spreading.

And yet -- despite the pain Snow's murder of Cora inflicts on Regina and Snow both -- it ultimately changes Snow for the better. In the immediate aftermath of Cora's death, Snow fears that her actions will be the beginning of her descent into villainy. But as Snow eventually comes to realize, she began that descent long ago, when she stole Maleficent's infant child. Snow's murder of Cora does not doom her to villainy -- rather, it gives her the chance to begin to claw her way out of it. To truly become a good person, Snow must first reject her obsession with being a good person, which up until now has defined her entire life. Thus, the psychological reckoning she endures after Cora's death at her hands is necessary in order for her to overcome that obsession and acknowledge her actions for what they truly are.

Without being forced to confront the possibility that she is not the person she thought she was, Snow never would have learned to truly empathize with Regina, and thus never would have healed that relationship as fully as she did; she never would have reached a place where she could look back at her parents' actions and acknowledge their flaws; she never would have been able to admit her wrongdoing against Maleficent and make amends for it. The good Snow does in the later seasons of the show would never have been possible without the evil she does in "The Miller's Daughter." Like so many other characters on the show -- Regina, Rumple, Hook, Zelena, et cetera, et cetera -- the hero Snow becomes is not despite her past villainy, but because of it; her past actions, and the lessons she has learned from them, inform her future choices for the better.

The brutal twist of Snow being the one to kill Cora is not just a turning point for Snow's arc, but also for the show as a whole. Prior to "The Miller's Daughter", OUAT did not spend much time interrogating the actions of its designated hero characters or questioning their status as heroes. The closest the show came to doing so was in episodes like 1.11 "Fruit of the Poisonous Tree" or 1.21 "An Apple Red as Blood" when the narrative pushed back against some of Emma's attempts to take Henry from Regina. "The Miller's Daughter" changes all that. It is a declaration of intent, a metaphorical throwing of the gauntlet. If Snow White can become a murderer, anyone can become anything. Regina can become a hero; Emma can become a villain; even Cora herself can (posthumously) learn and grow as a person. Snow killing Cora opens up the door to nigh-unlimited storytelling possibilities, and in the process changes the very fabric of Once Upon a Time forever. Nothing, we the audience realize as Cora draws her last breath, will ever be the same.

[benefits1986]

Year 7: Final Year Na Ba Talaga?

Today, I was greeted by the watch mom gifted me with before she passed on 7 years ago. Nakakatakot. Pota. Pero it made me smile inside out. Well, after shaking my head, that is. Tomorrow is her birthday in heaven and nagpapaganaps na naman siya in her own way and style. I guess it’s one of the reasons why I hate to love and love to hate my home in Manila. It is filled with too many memories of my life’s most defining chapter.  Funny how mom never fails to let me know that while I seem to be so crappy with how I deal with my life after she passed on, she reassures me that no matter what, it’s toward the right direction. Ako lang ‘tong takot sumabak at pabebe in a way na I’d rather keep my comfort zone than to be the palovean wander and wonder girl that I am all these years. By wonder pala, I mean, laging out there for adventure and always has a hefty dose of curiosity.  The past months have been particularly interesting, the most interesting parts of my life, no matter how sedated and boring and “downgrade-worthy” they appear. The past months have been spent in Palawan then back to Manila mostly with my dogs as I prune my seven years of being stuck in a really, really bad cycle of denying myself of the bucket list that I try to postpone just because I’ve already been on a track where I’ve done more than I can inspite failing many, many times miserably.  For someone who’s strategic and really, really aware of compartmentalizing my emotions to the point of concealing them very, very cleverly and artistically, admitting that I need to take a huge step back is extremely death-defying. Notice that I use the word death-defying because for such a long time, I have denied vulnerability in order to survive a life without purpose --that is a life without my mom.  Looking back, all the doors that opened no matter how promising did not make sense. I thought back then that I do not deserve them. I thought that I am not worthy mainly because I dream dreams that have turned to realities when I lost my mom. I took so much of me even when there’s not much left of me without anyone else knowing how fucked up I am because, hey, ego over heartbreaks, right? Back then, I severely punished myself because I felt alone and cheated. Even when people tell me that I am doing a decent job or even a good one, I felt so small and so insignificant. It is because of this immense blow that I found myself OD-ing on work. Yes, work that I am kind of decent with but something that I vehemently disapprove of. I figured that every time I spent away from my family is a step toward proving something to myself --a world where my mom’s memories cease to exist, or so I thought. 

Every deadline, every goal met, every KPI delivered felt addictive. And so, it progressed to higher dosages as I found myself more unhappy, more unstable and heck, even more miserable, after the high wears off. It’s for this reason that I seem to be a weirdo when I say I hate my world and most especially my work but I keep showing up never mind the fuck ups I cause along with the chaos that is part of my strategic and creative process. Hah. So much for shit, yes? And then it progressed even more. I wanted to turn back time because I felt my mom betrayed me, hence I moved to a bigger organization in the hopes of getting into an even bigger world I denied myself of before graduation --a world where I know is tough and will eventually corrupt me, but, hell, yeah, a world that I’ve been dreaming of just because I felt that I can finally prove to my mom of all people that I’ve made it big without her help, without her approval, and without her, at all. Twisted to the core, but back then, I don’t give a shit. Really. And being the go-getter girl that I am, I managed to wiggle my way to the bigger world where I finally got face to face with even bigger matters that made the already problematic plot even thicker. The OD on work topped with a brimming social calendar and the thirst to get to the even bigger world got the best of me. I don’t even know if it’s considered the best of me when I am an autopilot mode each day because the high no longer mattered, literally and figuratively. I somehow managed to theorize that it may be because I am getting old and that YOLO is no longer part of my vocab nor my mantra. Wrong. I was beginning to see the perils of OD-ing on things that do not make me breathe and live anymore. That’s when I started thinking more and more and more and more about killing myself without anyone knowing it. Hah. That’s how fucked up I was. My reason was not that nobody loved me nor valued me. I simply wanted things to end because it’s no longer worth wasting time on. I felt that my breaths are not mine. I felt that I am taking up too much space in this already densely populated planet. And most of all, I’d like to take my chances if there’s indeed a world after this world. In short, I missed my mom and I wanted to be with her. Simple as that. No fancy shmancy shit that involves family or friends who did not look after me or watched over me. No lack of love life or dating or flirting. No loneliness. No shadows of the past. Just plain old “thank-u-next” life kind of vibe. And so, one fine day, I met a car accident, my first to be specific. And, guess what? It was a total car wreck. 

Though the car may look decent enough, thing is it’s matic, hence, the car insurance company declared that I’d rather be given a full damage claim rather than fix it. Imagine. My first ever car accident was a total car wreck. How awesome is that, ain’t it? I can never forget that day where I chose to OD once more on work. Hah. This bitch ain’t giving up back in those days. Showed up to work at 11:30 am and ended my day at around 5 am. Had decent performance that day because I was able to swing a bigwig meeting with the board of directors and our CEO and our seniors PLUS handled a trending event with co-workers while drinking and doing shamncy live social media reportage. Little did I know though that this particular OD will cause me to lose control that I thought I had all these years. You see my adrenaline is on its A-game all my life even when I lost my mom. I remember asking Manila Memorial and Trinity in the calmest and collected style if they offer 0% on credit card payments for their services. Also, I slept like a baby an hour after mom died. See? Adrenaline A-game, bitches! 

However, because I was on OD with something that kills me without me knowing it, I felt my ground shake that very early morning after my car wreck. I felt my body shut down as I quivered and felt cold sweat. Another first. I felt the pain of the whiplash I was not aware of, hence, I was shook thinking I might have unknowingly gotten a fracture. And oh, after drinking and smoking like a crazy AF kid, I discovered I had a lump on my forehead and that lump was quite big and throbbing. All these while I succumb to hailing a cab because Grab drivers think my location is out of their bounds. I cried in the cab and thank you, universe, for the driver whose face I can no longer remember. He simply assured me that everything will be okay and that I just needed to rest and calm down. He even shared that car accidents ought to be traumatic and that eventually, I’d be back on the road because I should not be intimidated by these normal occurrences. At that moment, I felt like he was Rafiki in The Lion King and that The Circle of Life is playing in the background. And I was this fucked up young Simba gone adult. 

Things seemed to be back to regular programming, inside I began to see I was rotting. I began to question why I’ve been living in a material world that I totally believe to be immaterial. I began to feel the pull all the emotional shutdowns are causing my physical stance. I began getting sick to the point that the heartburns would not allow me to get up from my bed. Flashbacks of the car wreck became random thoughts even when I try my best to go back to OD-ing with work again. And then, a glorious system failure happen. I missed deadlines. I learned the realities of this world -the small, the big and the bigger worlds. I began to see that this world that feeds me is the same world that would kill me before I know it. And that now that I finally know that this world is killing me, I am pretty much veering toward shutting it down for my sanity. Problem is I don’t want to. Problem is I choose not to know how to. Problem is I already built a life that I can’t sustain without this world. Problem is I keep making excuses because, heck, yeah. I am that strategic girl, right?  And so, I came back to a place where my dreams turned nightmares began. I somehow convinced myself that my dreams in this bubble were dreams that not only belonged to me, but were part of a grander purpose, something bigger than who I am and who I thought I am. So, after trying it out with all that I can, the OD-ing were no longer enough. I found myself in a very, very dark place that is ultimately hollow. Imagine. Dark and hollow in one go. Shit gets more and more real. I thought that if I have a dream with a dream team, things would be better and that eventually, I’d be back to regular programming. But, dreams turned realities are usually more messed up because they go beyond deadlines. They fuck up with your lifelines, big time. 

Months later, the OD-ing pulled me to a place where there is absolutely nothing except me, myself and I. Again, nobody knows this back then because I am that strategic and creative critter. Physical tolls kick in harder. The emotional turmoil escalated all the more. The self-inflicted shit fest came in handier. The deadlines kept piling up and honestly, that was the first time that I did not care at all. I thought that I was selfish, but in retrospect, that was me crying out for help not from others, but from me --the me that is still somehow breathing under all the shit pile that is above and beyond me. Of course, I was trying to solve these because I need to be fed by the world I chose to be part of, but, I failed more than ever. I had some A-game wins but the wins were at the expense of my sanity. And again, this is the first time that I am totally experience shutdowns both in the physical and the mental spheres, and I am not kidding when I say that these shutdowns make me feel more than nothing. It’s so difficult to explain, so let’s save that for another entry, shall we?  And so, I decided to make a full stop amidst everything. I just woke up one day and told myself that it’s time that I allow myself to look after myself. I just realized that I ought to be wasting my time beautifully. And that beautifully meant I am the only one to define it. For the first time in my life, I was able to let the voices inside me have a decent conversation with any trace of OD-ing on anything.  Today, I am still learning. I am still afraid. I am still figuring things out.  Today, I can say that I am back on track even if it seems like I am still lost. I can say that I finally managed to live my truths even when it seems that the world I was once in look down on me, and yes, I don’t give a shit. After all, I am still the strategic and creative girl, but now, I am also a work in progress in the name of things that make me more of the me I always dreamt of without having to run away from my mother’s memories. I am a work in progress who’s on her way to live with intent as I make more sense of how to die beautifully in my eye. Of course, I still want my mother’s approval, but now, I realized that I don’t need it. Sweet, right?