#to clarify yes I was attracted to her I think but it wasn't exclusively about that like she was also super cool generally

[agnesandhilda]

when I used to do arnis (filipino stick fighting/martial arts, which has a handful of different names, but that’s what the group I practiced with called it) we practiced chokeholds and I, understandably, was kind of freaked out about the idea of being choked even though I understood it wasn’t real.

we were doing triangle chokes. to clarify how that works, you’d be facing someone (we’d usually run through some brief drill before this to simulate a “fight” that someone would “lose” and end up positioned for the chokehold) with their throat pressed to your bicep and your stick against the left side of their neck, resting against your own shoulder, to keep them in place. your stick and arm together would make a triangle shape with someone’s head in the center---that’s where the name comes from---and you’d press in against the side of their neck, not directly on the front of the throat but to one of the soft, fleshy sides on either side of the neck to restrict blood flow. (and, fun fact, not all chokeholds work by targeting the airway! some, like triangle chokes, affect circulation)

so we pair off to practice and I’m with this dude I’ll call andrew, a mild-mannered older man, and he walks me through it. I tell him I’m nervous, and he explains that I can tap out, (which is common practice for martial arts, and means exactly what it sounds like--you tap your partner to signal that they stop. I had done this before for exercises related to joint locks and takedowns, so I was already familiar with the concept, though I was never nervous for those) whenever I feel like.

anyway, I’m still skittish, but I’ve known andrew for like a year at this point and know he’s a responsible guy to partner with for drills, so whatever. we’re doing this. we get into position. he’s got me in the crook of his arm, and he starts to press down very, very slowly. now, if you’ve never been put in a triangle choke, I’ll tell you that it feels like there’s pressure building up in your face, inside your head---or at least that’s how I remember it feeling now, years after last doing it, so take that with a grain of salt if you want. anyway, I let that feeling of pressure build a little, and then tap his arm twice, solidly. and he lets me go on the spot. 

we do that a few more times. he catches me, gradually increases the pressure on my neck, and whenever I feel like I’ve hit this natural threshold of discomfort I tap out and he releases me instantly. at some point, I think, oh, he’ll stop whenever I tell him to, and it was oddly empowering.

like, I know it sounds weird to say, but I was what, sixteen at the time? and like most kids I had never gotten much of a say in what happened to me or my body---you can’t dress too boyish, it’s rude and improper, (even if I just wanted to wear what cis boys would in that same situation), you can’t refuse physical affection in polite company, even if it’s from people you despise---it was novel to me to be able to give my no and have it respected instantly and without question.

andrew’s turn to practice ends, and mine starts. I put him in the chokehold and he corrects my stance so I do it properly, and I start to actually choke the guy. now, if letting someone practice their chokehold on you is nerve-wracking so is being the one to do the choke, in an equal and opposite way---I did martial arts for years, and I never got entirely comfortable with hitting another person with force, even though they always consented to it! fuck, I do taekwondo now (sort of, I’m bad about actually showing up), and I’m still hesitant to strike up until my partner pretty much up and tells me to go for it already. 

anyway, I’m a bit shy about this whole choking business, so I go in slow as a snail (to be fair, you’re always supposed to go slow for safety reasons during any chokeholds or joint locks or takedowns, but I’m going extra slow), pressing into the side of andrew’s throat with my stick, and after several moments he taps my shoulder once, firmly, and I break the triangle to let him out. 

we do this until my turn to practice the chokehold is over, and then the guy who runs the class stops everybody to tell us to break up and find new partners to practice with, and I make a beeline for one of my favorite partners, one of the few other women in the class, and one of only two female black belts, which left her as one of my only options for a role model. I’ll call her edith! edith was blunt, funny, a no-nonsense teacher, and I thought she was the coolest. 

edith had been practicing there for fifteen years and, unlike andrew, who was a straightforward, no-surprises kind of guy, would mess with you. she’d sometimes break out of the routine of the drill we were supposed to be doing to try something else she knew---because she’d been practicing arnis for about as long as I’d been alive at the time, and blindside me. I remember once we were doing this drill, a fast-paced one, swaying around the room, our sticks clashing loudly, and she snaked her stick around my arm to catch my elbow and pull me in, twist my arm behind my back, and tease me. she said I was stiff and predictable, which was embarrassing advice to get, but also hard to be upset about when the whole situation was fun for me. 

anyway. I went over to her immediately so she could choke me next