#to be clear: they'll get there eventually in my heart. thinking about writing anything more at this point makes my brain hurt

[thaliagrayce]

Errand Boy, Assistant, Ambassador

Link: ao3 Pairing: Jason Grace/Nico di Angelo Fandom: Percy Jackson & the Olympians Tags: Pre-Relationship, Role Reversal, Ambassador of Pluto!Jason Grace, Champion of Hera!Nico di Angelo

Word Count: 7,835

Summary:

“Woah!” The other boy righted him and patted his shoulder. “Careful, you might…” The end of his sentence trailed off into nothing as he caught sight of the glower Nico was sending his way. He looked way too normal to be in a place like this. He had blond hair that looked like it was supposed to be short, but had been forgotten about for a while. His eyes were so blue they were almost electric, and they were getting wider and wider as he stared. Nico almost looked behind him to see if there was anything more interesting than a scrawny and hopelessly lost half-blood, but didn’t have time to get too confused. “Nico di Angelo,” the boy whispered.

(or; the first few meetings of Nico di Angelo, Champion of Hera, and Jason Grace, Ambassador of Hades.)

Hey y'all! I know I usually put the content of the fic itself here, but this one is a little long for tumblr, so it's just the link to ao3. Happy Jasico Bingo month! I hope you like it :3c

[love-bitesx]

im word vomiting my headcanon list and id love to hear what you think!

*hobie gifting things that he finds to his partner like a crow. i can imagine they'd just randomly turn up, either on a desk or like they'll just find it in their bag or pocket, or that he'd just walk of and just hand it to them with no word *hobie fell for his partner hard, though he kept it pretty well hidden from everyone except pav starts calling his 'loverboy', eventually the nickname catches on to the point his future partner starts using it as well(either b/c they like it and thay're oblivious or they know exactly whats going on and are teasing him about it) *loves playful banter *nicknames for daaaaaays with his partner *hobie getting serious with a partner would be him gifting them something important, first thoughts are either a guitar pick of his or one of his favorite rings (its the most worn one he has, a simple metal one that you can literally feel the love thats gone into it. somehow it fits his partners finger perfectly)



i may be back with more, until then i salute you!

i agree with ur hc’s so much!! this is how i hc & tend to write hobie so, 100%! pls don’t hesitate if u think of anymore hehe

i’d love to expand! ~

- giving you gifts, to him, is like the ideal expression of love.

- because basically all of them are stolen, it’s a combination of his favourite things; stealing from big corporations, and seeing the beaming, heart-warming smile on your face when you open your bag and see a tiny trinket wrapped in newspaper.

- everytime you would come home, you’d find a new little addition to the house somewhere – notably: necklaces, rings, tiny ceramic statues or wooden decorations, pens, music (cd’s, vinyls, etc.) – especially if he’s been to camden market that day, his pockets would be full for you.

- when he started to fall for you, he low-key thought he was coming down with the flu.

- whenever you were around, his heart would flutter, his head dizzy and palms sweating – he considered getting medicine, until pavitr pointed something out.

- “how are you, loverboy?”

- “eh? you talking to me, pav?”

- “of course, hobie! little loverboy”

- “did you hit your head, bro?”

- pavitr would explain that he’d noticed hobie’s eyes glued to you whenever you spoke, hanging onto every word like gospel, and the way he flustered when you touched him, how he’d do anything in his power to be in your personal space.

- “shit.”

- “no! this is a good thing, my friend! love is the most bea—”

- “shit.”

- days went past of hobie avoiding you, he’d never been in love before, and it was scary to him

- his brain was only thinking of you, and he hated that he liked it. he hated that he wished for every thought to be of you.

- and he hated that he could see your body deflate when he avoided you, hated that your eyes looked sad when he turned away

- he hated that he liked loving you

- until, you caught him on his own one day, he was minding his business, relaxing on his lonesome whilst the others hung out in different dimensions.

- “hey, loverboy”

- a deer in headlights wouldn’t even come close to the shock on his face

- “loverboy?”

- loverboy? you were calling him loverboy?

- “yeah, loverboy, that’s you, isn’t it?”

- in all fairness, you were completely oblivious to the reason behind it – pav had simply just started calling him it when hobie wasn’t around, and it stuck

- “i-i guess so”

- clearing his throat, he willed his confidence back to the surface

- “you can call me anything you want, sweetheart”

- it wasn’t long before you were together, a gentle, but spontaneous kiss after a particularly dangerous mission one day sealing the deal between you both

- he was obsessed with you

- now he could be obvious about his feelings, he took that and ran with it

- his arm was essentially glued to your side, or over your shoulders, or anywhere where he could pull you in close to him

- he’d grab you by the belt buckles, dragging you towards him and welcoming you with a soft peck on the lips

- even in public, almost especially in public

- always have his hands in your back pockets, he says he hates the cliché-ness of it but he likes that he can hold you close whilst respecting your personal space – and he can feel your ass, but he doesn’t admit that outloud

- THE NICKNAMES.

- THE. NICKNAMES.

- this man is born and bred british, and over here we use nicknames more than actual names

- darling, sweetheart, love, lovely, all of those AND more are natural to him, anyway

- but he adds a special little “my” before them all now, now that you actually are his, and so “my darling”, “my love”, etc. are like a second name to you

- in bed, the nicknames would be even better, but i’ll leave that to your imagination…

- when things started getting a little serious, you’d been dating for months, all your friends and colleagues knew about him, your family as well (if you decide to tell them)

- you’re relaxing in hobie’s dimension, laying on his bed with your head on his shoulder, reading a book whilst he strums at his guitar softly. he’s humming a song you don’t recognise, but the sound of his deep melody was enough to lull you.

- “hey, love?”

- you hum in response

- “i wanna give you something.”

- sitting you up, he’d lay his guitar down and face you, grabbing your hand and bringing it to him

- “what are you—”

- he’d fiddle with his own hands for a second, before twisting his favourite ring off his index finger

- “here.”

- “hobie, are you—”

- “i’m not proposing, don’t worry. weddings are just a social nuisance that give us one more way to control each other. no. this is better.”

- you tilt your head and watch him, as he slides his ring onto your middle finger

- “it’s just a promise.”

- “a promise?”

- “a promise that i love you, and that i’m yours, innit.”

- “oh, hobie.”

- you cry a tiny bit

- and he hugs you tightly, kissing your forehead

- that’s when he knew it was serious with you, not only because of how he was so obsessed with you, and his heart melted at your touch, but because when he saw you with the ring on, his ring, his person, it just felt right. he didn’t ever wanna see you without it, or without him.

- “hey, hobie, did you mean what you said about marriage? you don’t wanna marry me one day?”

- “hey, i said i hate weddings. nothing about marriage. not if we do it our own way, you know?”

i love him so much. also pls stick around, couple of one shots & fics will be out this week!!! sorry they’re taking ages hehe

[pseudowho]

Hi Mrs. Haitch :D!!! I have a bit of a problem dump in the following 2 paragraphs. And I absolutely do not expect you to read or respond unless you want to! You’re not a therapist and you’re not responsible for others’ emotions. If you do want to read/reply, that’s really welcomed as well!

I personally have had/am having issues with men who are in their thirties hitting on me when I thought I made it clear I just want to be completely platonic friends AND they all knew my age from the start 🥲 TW - I was 19 when two 33 year olds sexually harassed me (one was a coworker who said stuff out of the blue, like, “you want kids? I’ll put one in you” (for context, he heard me talking to my co-hostess about wanting to raise children in the ways I never got loved, nurtured, and cared for) // “What if I touch myself and moan your name?” // “Wanna hear a joke TRIGGER WARNING “Are you a school? Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you” which was literally such a disgusting and inexcusable joke??? Hello?) and currently there’s a 30 year old guy who KEEEEEPS trying to get me to be his super close friend (he was flirting CONSTANTLY until I made it really overly clear I don’t want romance with anyone atm). He knows I am 21 as well! Which is wild to me! Just wild. I’ve literally FELT my frontal lobe developing in the past few years (It’s like I could suddenly start to understand the importance of more practical decisions), and it won’t stop developing until I’m 25 either. So for a full grown 30 year old… to be… I’m 9 year younger than him… idk… it’s weird to me…

and I was wondering, should I feel bad for these people? Would you let pity/guilt override the judgment? (I am not perfect at all and have my share of flaws, but I have had a issues with letting hurt people who hurt people, get away with stuff they do to me AND I feel guilty for not being their personal therapist, even though expecting that of any single person who ISN’T one’s professional therapist, is unfair). You seem like a kind person who understands the depth of humans, so I think I trust your judgment! And would love to hear what you have to say if you want to share. The 33 year olds have deep rooted issues and my heart truly sympathizes with them (but I do feel a shit ton of disgust too. if they ever did that to somebody else I would be SO MAD).

I’m eventually somehow gonna figure these questions out (as life tends to go), so don’t worry about this ask at all if it’s not ur cup of tea, or is draining.

Take care and hope you have a LOVEEEELYYYY DAYYYYYY!!!! (Also curious what ur fav tea is? Mine is Numi’s earl gray. It’s too perfect, so elevated. Very flavorful and elegant and THE NOTESSSSSS oh god. Could write a whole post on it)

Anyone who thinks comments like that are flirting, need to be re-educated. With a baseball bat. They'll call it 'dark humour' when really they're just cunts, so they're doing you a real favour showing you that early.

Well done for not being flattered by the attentions of an older man, because...

If there's anything that women aged 30+ tend to notice, it's that when men their age hit on much younger women, it's usually because that man's character is lacking, he's emotionally immature, a predator who relies on younger women and girls being less self confident, and it is most often a RED FLAG.

These 30+ year old men are usually not with women their own age, because the women their own age recognise that they're arseholes or losers, most of the time, and we cringe when they then repeatedly shoot their shot with young women who they will flatter with that age old adage of 'you're so mature for your age!'

If they have deep-seated issues and they turn it into someone else's problem, without any sense of ownership or willingness to actually work on resolving or improving from their issues, RUN.

Never get with someone out of pity. Have some self-respect, and do not let them mistake your kindness for weakness.

Because people see me as understanding, I am a therapist. To everyone. All the time. Strangers, within hours of meeting me, will often pour out their emotional vulnerabilities and traumas; while I'm tough and able to compute it all, and to help them, and read through a solution, it is sometimes a heavy burden.

But for YOU, remember there is a difference between you therapising someone, and someone using you to trauma-dump. Learn to recognise the two, and protect yourself from being used, especially if these are the very same men who have recently been trying to get into your pants.

My favourite tea is Yorkshire Tea by Taylors of Harrogate, with a splash of milk and a spoonful of brown sugar or honey.

Don't let these pieces of shit use you, kiddo.

They're not "daddies"; they haven't earned such an esteemed title. Nothing daddy about these tramps.

All my love, and I have a knife in my pocket,

-- Haitch xxx

[lucadrawss]

I'm not at all a psychologist but I want to go into the psychology behind the actions of the Arclight family. I apologise if anything sounds wrong at all feel free to correct me. I'll go through all of them individually. I won't go into Byron though as I'm not entirely sure what to write about him.

Overall theres a lot to unpack with this family so this'll be long.

(Its gone 2am as I'm writing this hence my rambles about fictional characters)

Christopher:

So Chris being the oldest seems to put alot of pressure on him, he seems to take alot of the responsibility which could tie into him feeling he needs to take care of his brothers as their father is downright neglecting them but also him as well, which he doesn't seem to realise or he does realise and he just doesn't care. We already saw in flashbacks that he already acted older than he was when they were younger which could really tie into his current mental state seeing as he seemed to force himself to grow up quicker than he should have. This could also tie into Chris feeling protective of his brothers as we know they were eventually separated for a little while, he seems to really care for them, even seeming extremely worried when Michael is dueling Yuma, he could feel like he owes it to them to protect them. Sure he's acting like a big brother should, but there seems to be more to it. Obviously he misses his father, thats very obvious with all three of them, but it also seems like he carries a bit of guilt about what happened to him, survivors guilt so to speak. When his father didn't come back he could have felt so much guilt that he didn't go with him. This would be made even worse when he eventually learns what really happened, causing the guilt to tug on his heart even more after seeing what his father had become and how he was no longer the person that had raised him. I would go into more detail and I know I haven't touched on the whole thing with Kaito and Haruto but this is already super long and I have to write about his brothers too.

Thomas:

We've seen how he reacts to being put down and insulted by his father: with anger and retaliation. Thomas seems to have a fear of failure or not being good enough, he strives for his fathers validation and just wants to be seen as a good son, maybe even better than that. All he wants is his fathers approval and love and he takes that out in the form of anger and aggression towards anyone and everyone. He wants to prove himself, prove that he can do things on his own and that he's worthy of his fathers time and acknowledgement. When he realised he was just being used to manipulate someone else for his father he snaps, letting his rage take over and he doesn't think straight which eventually leads to his downfall, he makes the same mistake during the duel against Nasch. Its clear that he's never been taught how to regulate his emotions and that he doesn't know how to control his anger. Thomas seems to have really low self confidence but tries to mask it in a way that makes him appear confident which causes him to become arrogant and selfish as well as causing him to hurt others who he feels are standing in his way of approval. He enjoys hurting others as thats what he's been encouraged to do, he's two faced because he feels he needs to be, he acts this way towards the world because he feels like no one will help him, they'll get in his way and turn their backs on him.

Michael:

Oh god there is a lot to talk about with Michael, he's probably the worst of them all. First off: He was willing to manipulate, torture and kill all for his families revenge, he really didn't need to but he felt it was necessary so he did. Secondly: He was very willing to sacrifice himself and almost did, he didn't care what happened to himself he only cared about his family. If he had to die for his father to get revenge then so be it, he'd happily do it. This has some concerning implications. Sure alot of people would say they'd die for their family but Michael actually went through with it and seemed very at peace with the idea, only hesitating because he has empathy for others and seemed more worried about them than he was himself. If he was so willing to die then whats going through his head? Is he really that loyal to his family or had he just given up? Onto the topic of the manipulation, torture and murder: Michael did not fucking hesitate to harm Astral and to manipulate Yuma's memories so that he wouldn't be able to duel anymore or remember his father which in turn caused Yuma to lose his spark. The moment Astral tried his best to help Yuma, Michael literally murdered him. Not even painlessly either, Astral was chained up, put through so much more pain than he would normally experiance, forced to watch his friend suffer and them put through even more pain before basically being crushed and disappearing, this was all done by Michael. He seems to have a similar situation to Thomas, wanting his fathers love and willing to do anything to get it, even harming others killing himself in the process. He just wants to make his father proud. Theres some really fucked up implications on whats going through Michael's head for him to be willing to hurt people when he seems to be extremely empathetic and kind as well as being willing to commit suicide.

All of them have issues and thoughts that would be brought on by neglect, manipulation and abuse, mainly neglect especially with Thomas.

The amount of abuse that these three have been put through is astounding, I'm surprised they're not more fucked up.

[nemoys]

a very long messy review of link click (season 2)

alright so reading through a bunch of (mostly negative) reviews of the season thus far i've come to my own conclusions over how this season felt, and i really feel like addressing them since i personally feel like it deserves recognition (and rightful criticism) within certain aspects. really interested in everyone's takes so lmk whatever you think about all these aspects i'm about to gloss over.

NOTE ; i'm not going to be talking about the art direction or OSTs . i believe those have been nothing short of phenomenal and i feel like we can all universally agree over that

1) tonal shift : from a more emotionally driven s1, coupled with sprinkles of slice of life moments, we turn to a mostly thriller/mystery plot line. personally, i've always seen this coming. the tonal shift really didn't take me by surprise. with the lg stabbing at the end of season 1 it almost seemed inevitable that the more light hearted aspects of the first season weren't going to happen. more importantly, it was very clear that there was always a higher presence to fight. link click was always meant to be a thriller, this was always the plan, and so i suppose logically i assumed the second season would follow that path. i understand how people might've felt disappointed, or 'robbed', but i don't think the shift was all that shocking quite honestly, it was always set up. link click was never light hearted, even at s1.

the more shocking shift has to be the shift from an emotional, to suspenseful change in writing. the emotional writing in link click has always been the best part of the show and that hasn't changed, the emotionally driven plot lines of s2 (chen bin, ltc/ltx) have been written very well. the suspenseful writing also works. replaces the tear jerkers with an unsettling anxiety, and it's executed relatively well. you can clearly tell that the crew's been experimenting quite a lot with this season, and yes, that's usually what season 2 is for.

2) pacing : now i totally get the criticism in this aspect. in my opinion, the weakest part of s2's been the pacing. with overly drawn out fight scenes, and unnecessarily long recaps, i think the issue has to do with the fact that lc just has a LOT to address, and so it makes us feel less inclined to sit through longer scenes that don't directly advance the plot.

obviously i get that the fight scenes show off a lot of the animation budget #tm and they do look great but the fact that we had way too much time dedicated to a five minute long fighting cutscene in the FIRST episode just made me feel impatient.

3) red herring endings: alright this might be an unorthodox opinion but, aren't red herring cliff hangers a norm in general with these kinds of shows lol. idk i've come to expect the total opposite every time so it doesn't really bother me i guess i'm just used to the medium. not really a lc problem it's a story telling problem in general but that's just marketing i don't know what else to say.

it'd be nice if they followed through but some part of me thinks they're pulling a whole boy who cried wolf situation, eventually they'll pull the trigger when we don't really expect it.

4) shipping/ main trio reconciliations : it's a really serious ongoing situation. i kind of get why the main trio/shiguang don't get a chance to talk things over amongst themselves, it just isn't the time. keep in mind everything that's happening rn is happening continuously, there are no gaps within the days or anything, kind of makes sense that they don't really talk about it. they probably will get to once it's all over, which might be well into s3. again, this was always meant to be a thriller more than it was trio focused. also idk about you guys but i think we actually did get a lot of sweet moments within the trio, cxs and lg, even the sibling dynamic with ql and cxs were really lovely this season.

5) the women: okay i REALLY don't understand the problem here. the women are written well. ql is written FANTASTICALLY and all side characters like ltx and that one red eyed lady i'm forgetting the name of were great too. hell even chen bin's wife was great. i think for a donghua/anime where women are usually given dirt in terms of actually strong writing, lc has always been very solid. their lives do not revolve around the men in the show it just happens to be that men are a part of their lives. they have very distinct personalities and aren't treated like weird objects to gaze at (what a bar lol) but yes i do think the women are written quite dimensionally.

6) unanswered questions : when have linear shows ever answered questions (especially mc based) in season 2?? when has season 2 EVER tied loose ends? when it comes to linear television, season 2's purpose almost always build towards a greater evil/climax. there's a reason why season 2 hasn't answered questions we've had, season 2s in most shows rarely ever do. from what i can tell, with a confirmed s3, i've always expected s2 to simply do its job as a second season and further raise stakes and raise even more questions. i do get the frustration, i get the lack of any backstory, but i want to refrain from making any actual comments over that till every episode's aired ahah, however, im not too mad at it. i just think this show's ride is currently still at an increasing accelerated pace (guys i'm sorry i study physics), things will only be explained once we've once hit the climactic point or go downhill right after. time will tell i guess

Conclusion

overall, i think this season was actually pretty solid. s1 set a very unrealistically high bar, as s1 in my opinion is one of the best seasons in television period. but s2 and s1 shouldn't be compared in the same way, their tone is quite different, and needs to be analysed individually instead. i'll make a complete review once the season is over, but honestly i've come to enjoy the season most when i stop expecting too much out of it. i think people had way too many things they've expected from s2, that were bound to simply never happen.

that said, i do hope the crew takes the valid criticism regarding the pacing (and ig the character focus?) into consideration and implements it well into s3. it's worth noting that i believe nothing was meant to be complete with s2 in the first place.

i've really enjoyed this season, and i'm beyond ecstatic to rewatch it all once it's done airing, in order to properly take it all in. it's had its flaws, more than s1 has had (let's be real s1 had little to none). but that's bound to happen to shows when they head down their linear routes. currently sitting at a 7/10

[alesyira]

ShinDeku Day 12: Listen

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AN: some of these scenes are more difficult to write (like today's has been), and my process of constructing a chapter tends to be chaotic. When I come back through these scenes to piece it together into the completed oneshot, there will likely be a ton of editing to clear up the flow and pacing. (I'll leave these as-is though.) Writing around prompts is an interesting challenge! Also, this scene is a lot longer than the others. There just wasn't a nice spot to break lol. ...And then I went and broke it where I did to make you guys wait for what happens next I'm so mean I'm sorry 

Izuku is a little horrified to realize his hands are shaking. Hitoshi shifts his grip to press his palms against his chest, just over his heart. He swallows thickly and stares at the hands holding his, strong and steady, warm and kind. 

The unexpected swell of panic ebbs.

Fades away. 

His boyfriend dips his face into his line of sight, catching his attention. “What’s wrong?”

Izuku blinks, realizing his eyes sting a little. He does not want to cry again. “I’m um-" He swallows. "Well, you see..."

He glances away. He’s a little anxious about what Hitoshi might think or say when he sees the ugly burn scars littering his chest and shoulders. They skip in patches down his arms, but he's almost always wearing long-sleeved shirts, so they aren't often visible.

Not even his mother has seen these marks. 

He’d been very careful to bandage everything himself over the years. Maybe if he'd gotten better help with treatment, the scarring could have been less obvious. But he'd been afraid, he'd been stubborn, he'd been so sure it was just a phase, and that he shouldn't say anything, hoping that things would eventually get better. 

(They didn't.)

He bites his lip and considers how he might answer this question without having to show him anything. He should have known something like this might eventually come up, though. One does not simply get a boyfriend and assume they'll always be fully clothed around each other.

They spend so much time together that-

Well.

He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. This isn't as bad as he's thinking it is.

Hitoshi has a lot of scars, too. It’s not uncommon.

But it’s not just that the scars are ugly, it’s that they’re connected to memories that he’d rather not dredge up, and he thinks he’s done crying for the day. 

Or at least, he’d like to be done crying for the day.

Hitoshi shifts closer, putting his hands on Izuku’s shoulders as he gives him a kind smile. 

“We don’t have to do anything,” he reassures.

(That is not what Izuku wants to hear. He wants to do everything.) 

Izuku keeps his hands pressed to Hitoshi’s heart, feeling the warm flesh beneath his fingertips, the steady thump against his palm. There’s a little scar there just below his clavicle. He bites his lip and strokes a fingertip along the pale stripe.

Hitoshi’s chest rises and falls in a silent sigh. The fingers on his shoulders squeeze gently, pressing into the muscles that have tensed over the last few minutes. A tingle of relief shivers along his back, and he finds himself melting, just a little bit. 

"You’ve seen me at some dark times," he murmurs. There's amusement in his voice as he continues, "...stumbling in like an idiot, bleeding all over the place, covered in who knows what from who knows who. You’ve cleaned my wounds, stitched me up, and you’ve gotten to see most of my scars." 

Izuku finds his cheeks quickly turning pink at the memory of that night. He swallows heavily and glances away. 

Hitoshi sets his fingers against his cheek, gently nudging his attention back to his face. "Listen, you've seen a lot of what I don't feel comfortable sharing with others."

He sighs again and closes his eyes for a moment. “A lot of what I don’t feel comfortable sharing,” he repeats in a soft mutter. He swallows heavily and looks at him with furrowed brows, a little frown pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“I have seen a lot of shit. I’ve seen my friends horribly injured, pulled civilians from wreckage, fought tooth and nail to escape some real shady situations. I cannot think of anything that you could show me that’s worse than what I’ve already seen and experienced firsthand.” 

He brushes his fingers through the hair that’s fallen in front of Izuku’s eyes, clearing his vision. He tilts his head and asks, “Do you trust me?”

Izuku stares up into his pretty purple eyes and doesn’t know what to say. 

He trusts, him, right? 

They haven’t been together long, but if he’s in trouble, he thinks Hitoshi would be there in a heartbeat. 

He already knows so much (so little) about his life and the struggles he’s faced. 

What’s a tiny bit more? 

(What’s a tiny bit more that could incriminate a rising star, one of his former classmates, someone he’d trained alongside and could very well be a friend he just never mentions?)

What’s this small detail in his life in comparison to what Hitoshi has already seen and dealt with? 

(Izuku trusts because he wants Hitoshi to be trustworthy, but he's very afraid of what will happen if that trust is broken.)

Izuku nods, then replies, “Yes.” 

(It's years in the past now. It shouldn't matter. But he trusts Hitoshi to hold his heart safe, because if he can't, Izuku might crumble.)

Hitoshi always seems pleased when he answers his fleeting few questions out loud, but the smile that spreads across his lips is especially warm when Izuku answers this one. 

His boyfriend slowly leans forward, their eyes locked as he gently cups his hand around Izuku’s neck. Their lips meet for a sweet kiss, then another as he tilts his head to find a better angle. Hitoshi’s free hand traces his waist, playing with the edge of Izuku’s shirt, the touch sweeping back and forth in a teasing manner. 

Izuku really wants those fingers to touch a little more. He shivers when Hitoshi slips his hand beneath the fabric, tugging upwards just high enough to slide his fingers against the skin of his back.

His hand traces warm and firm along his muscles, alternately doodling faint shapes that make him sigh, pressing his fingers hard enough to make him gasp. 

It feels so good. 

His shirt lifts higher with each movement, and Izuku’s breath hitches unexpectedly at the electric thrill of excitement that races through him. 

Higher. 

More.

Hitoshi is relentless with the carefully teasing touches as they kiss, his lips parting to breathe in his soft sighs, his tongue darting out to taste his lower lip. Izuku hums and tries to press closer, opening his mouth for more.

He drapes his arms over Hitoshi’s bare shoulders, his fingers playing in the soft violet hair as they briefly part for breath and press together at a new angle. 

Izuku scoots closer, wanting to climb into his lap, to have that warm and solid feeling of Hitoshi against him.

And it would be so much better with bared skin. 

He quickly makes up his mind, up on his knees in the next moment and fumbling with his shirt. It gets caught on his elbow and then his chin as he struggles to finally pull it off. His hair is a wild mess by the time he can fling it across the room, and he wastes no time before trying to crawl into his boyfriend's lap.

Once Hitoshi realizes what he's doing, he curls his fingers beneath his thighs to help lift so Izuku can straddle his lap without too much awkward adjustment. They both chuckle at the way he kind of collapses against him, but the amusement doesn't linger for long. 

Hitoshi pushes his unruly green locks aside, then cups his cheek for a warm, appreciative kiss, his free hand scooping around his hips to tug him a little closer.

Hitoshi’s hands on the bared skin of his back are little electric shocks of pleasure. He wraps his arms around his boyfriend, sucking in a breath through his teeth at the shuddering excitement from so much skin contact. 

He’s so warm, and it feels like he can’t get close enough as his hands drift to touch anything he can reach. Their mouths meet in a slow series of gentle brushes, curious nibbles, exploratory tastes.

The feel of Hitoshi’s hands brushing his skin is divine, and his eyes flutter closed as a whimper creeps up his throat, only to be swallowed by Hitoshi's hungry mouth. 

He savors every warm stroke and teasing tickle, dancing fingertips giving back the same sweet sensual torture he’d been handing out minutes before. Hitoshi seems to be most interested in doing the things that will make him gasp and groan, and he's pretty sure he's quickly losing all semblance of sweet and gentle. 

There’s a fire building in him and he’s not sure what to do to quench the flame. He shifts an inch closer, and the unexpected friction between their groins sends a bolt of lust straight through him.

Oh my hekkin- 

Hitoshi’s touch pauses on his shoulder, and Izuku whines as he breaks their heated kiss to lean back and peer at the skin beneath his fingertips. “What—?”

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yeah gosh i'm mean, i'm so mean i'm sorrrrrryyyyyyyy~~~~

[sweetestlamb]

Wake Me Up Inside(Chapter 2)

Summary: Hope is a flickering light, coming and going as it sees fit. 

Author's note: Y'all like this? Color me surprised I thought everyone had cast Sujin aside based on tumblr post honestly, expected maybe 3 people to read this. I'm happy so many are enjoying, thanks for coming along for the ride. If any talented individuals want to make me a header that would be great, anyway enjoy the teen angst. More awful parenting, beware. it hurts me to write this but random immediate romance doesn’t make sense to me so here we goooo. 

The world seems larger, everyone towers over her as they squeeze by jostling her tiny body, she twists and turns desperately searching for a familiar face and faltering when there is none. Just blurred faces with stretched out smiles that are horrifying grotesque, almost as if they were painted on by a deranged circus clown. She begins to run frantically racing away from the figures, who are now reaching out for her grabbing her arm and tugging at her pigtails. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out, bringing a trembling hand to her lips she finds them sewn shut, silencing her petrified screams.

Then a hand clutches at her elbow and she's spun around, suddenly staring into the face of evil.

"Where have you been you brat? Everyone was waiting for you."

She tries to tug free of his punishing grip but his fingers tighten on her tender flesh, marking the delicate skin. Ignoring her evident trepidation he forcefully pushes her towards a table, with a large looming birthday cake.

"Hurry up and blow out these candles, you're almost old enough to be useful to me."

Screaming no in her mind, she breaks free of his hold running as fast as her compact legs will take her but she miscalculates and trips over a stray toy, tumbling over the edge of a pool she hadn't noticed there earlier. The cold splash of the chlorine scented water on her skin shocks her in a panicked daze and when she pries her eyes open the menacing face of her father greets her looking nonplussed by her hectic drowning.

"Good riddance." He smirks sipping from his cup as he stalks away, no longer bothered with her. 

Water constructs her airway and she continues to sink to the bottom. Forgotten and discarded.

With a flash she bursts from her nightmare silent scream on her tongue, it's his presence that silences her cry. Wide feline eyes regard her from his crouched position, it takes a moment to realize that the rapid puffs of air filling the room are coming from her lips. She grips at the mattress beneath her, hopelessly pleading with her heart and lungs as her body quivers from the intensity of her dream.

"Are you okay? You looked like you were having a bad dream, I called your name a few times."

She's decidedly not any semblance of okay and has no concept of what that would entail for her but she finds herself nodding, lying as easily as she always does.

"I'm fine." Clipped and brisk despite the cold sweat on her skin, she's probably soaked through his shirt the collar almost plastered to red collar bones.

He doesn't reply further than pursing his lips and walking over to a dresser she'd hadn't noticed earlier.

"That lie would probably be more believable if you didn't look as if you were going to pass out at any second." She can hear his eyes rolling at her and it raises her heckles, she doesn't need anyone looking after her, she is fine on her own.

"I should go." She says curtly, forcing herself out of the dangerously warm bed to walk across the room and test her previously soaked pajamas. Damp, but they'll do.

"I thought you had nowhere to go." He challenges finally standing to his full height, subconsciously she flinches at the sudden movement and immediately he takes a step back pressing himself almost flush with the wall. Lowering his head until they are almost eye level. Shame washes over her do strongly she has to turn away, so pathetic.

Speaking to his bedpost she answers, "That was last night. I can go home now."

Her father will be at work until late into the evening, she just needs to lock herself in her room and she should be safe until school tomorrow.

He hums at her sounding closer than he did earlier, "You don't have to go. I'll find an excuse to give my mom, you can stay here."

No she can't. She knows what's going through his mind, probably the same thing that went through Suho's when he saw the blood on her lip for the first time, you poor little thing. Pity was always the first reaction but it never lasted, eventually pity shifted to annoyance nobody wanted to be friends with someone getting beaten. It was depressing, and uncomfortable to discuss and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. It was her penance for being born a girl and not being the best at least to make up for that disappointment.

"I'm not a stray puppy, you can't just pick me up off the street and expect me to stay. I told you, I'm fine." This time she says it harder, sharper with a bite that screams don't push me.

Unsurprisingly enough Han Seojun doesn't seem intimidated by her.

This time she gets to witness the eye roll as he approaches her but still keeps his head lowered as if deferring to her. "I already told you that I don't pity you, you need help stop pretending you don't."

But she's not pretending, that would imply that she wants others to help secretly. That just isn't accurate, she wants nothing- expects nothing. Her father pound any inkling of hope she had out a long time ago.

Stepping into his space, her eyes narrow as she bites out, "I don't need anything certainly not help from you. You're not a nice person, what am I your one good deed? Just mind your business."

She pointedly glances away at the flash of hurt that scatters across his expressive face.

She expects him to lash out, stretch to his full form and berate her, reprimand her ungrateful behavior and an even darker side of her almost expects him to slap her. I see why your father does that, you deserve it.

"Suit yourself."

That's all he says solemnly with a shrug before tossing more dry clothes at the bed and silently exiting the room.

She feels worse than she did before. Guilt gnawing at her, she ignores the offered clothes she doesn't deserve his hospitality or warmth. She disrobes and puts back on the damp chilled pajamas, that matches her better.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That's what he gets for trying to help someone, his act of kindness thrown back in his face. Angrily he pours the boiling water into the waiting cup, starting his mother's mandatory morning tea. He's so lost in the routine that he doesn't notice her presence until she clears her throat. His pride stops him from turning around, her words were as painful as a dagger.

"Your clothes are on the bed. I called a cab."

He nods without looking back, "Get home saf--" He cuts himself off, maybe he's overstepping again. So he just hums and stirs the now perfect cup of tea with a splash of milk. His sister's will get three sugars, she has such a sweet tooth.

The soft snap of the front door closing is loud in the silence of the morning, the sun has barely risen. His mother will be out in an hour, he was worried for nothing. Nobody will even know she was here. He can pretend this was all a fever dream and listen to her advice, he's never minded anyone else's business why did he decide to start now?

Lesson learned.

He spends the remainder of his weekend not thinking about the bruises on her face and instead plays video games, bullying Suho into playing Call of Duty with him online until the stupid genius starts to win too often and it's no longer stress reducing.

"Sore loser." He scoffs at the staticky insult through his headphones, draining the can of soda he took from the fridge. He should start dinner soon, his mom and sister will be back from shopping any minute.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." He can't help but roll his eyes at the lame response but he pushes on ignoring his brain shouting at him that this is the opposite of minding his business. He hardly listens to his brain, his gut is much stronger.

"Does Sujin have any siblings? Or does she like to box or anything like that? " He tries to make sense of the night, maybe it wasn't what he thought initially. From his memory Sujin comes from a very affluent respectable family, there's no way right?

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"Just answer me." He quips impatiently, ready to let go of this unwarranted worry that's been weighing on his heart.

After a long pause where he checks if his Wi-Fi disconnected he finally hears a response, "No. She lives with her mother and father, she's an only child. And I’ve never known her to do anything physical like that."

His chest tightens, not what he wanted to hear. Her flinch this morning flashes brightly in his memory. He wasn't mistaken. He's sure of it, she'd been scared. 

"Why?"

He can barely hear through the ringing in his ear, "Nothing. I have to go."

He signs off before the other boy can reply, walking autopilot to the kitchen to get started on dinner. Chopping vegetables does nothing to stop the nausea bubbling in his stomach.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Taking the bus the next day is out of the question, he has spent the entire weekend wishing he had the nerve to get the girl's number but anyone he asked would misunderstand why and he didn't need anymore rumors circulating, he would just have to get it from her himself. If she wanted him to mind his business she shouldn't have collapsed where he could see.

The engine rumbles between his legs as he brings his motorcycle to a stop, swinging off effortlessly before tugging the helmet off and shaking his hair free. He doesn't notice the various lecherous female and male eyes watching his very moment, too focused on walking into the school and finding her.

Turning a corner he sees her instantly, sandwiched between her two best friends, they look like a high school brochure giggling as they walk down the hallway garnering the attention of most of the male population. The purple bruise on her cheek is missing, nothing but smooth blemish free skin. He almost does a double take. As all three of them pass him, he locks eyes with Sujin for a moment, the mask slides off for a second but the moment he blinks the façade snaps back into place, nothing left but a pretty empty smile.

He follows them into class, sliding into his seat and promptly going to sleep. He has to catch her alone.

Doing so proves to be a near impossible feat, she's always surrounded by her two bestie shadows and Chorong and the gang are never far from him either. He sighs forlornly even time he sees her only for someone to interrupt before he can approach her. All too frustrated.

He's sitting dejected on the staircase when he hears the bustle of students in the hallway, their voices carrying down the long space and he rolls his eyes imagining what ridiculous situation they've deemed as drama now. Last time it was Ju-Kyung having pimples, a topic that was completely groundbreaking and worthy of weeks of discussion. So it's with the smallest shred of curiosity that he stands up wandering over to the commotion.

"What's going on?" He directs to the closest person, some mousy looking girl who stutters out an indecipherable answer. He looks at her confused before stalking away to find someone who has a better grasp of communication. He poses the question again, to a boy this time.

"I heard one of the girls started freaking out in the bathroom. Screaming not to be touched."

He stands frozen before the words register in his brain and his feet are moving without his brain's permission. Shoving past gossiping bystanders, he easily gets to the front only to see Ju-Kyung covering someone with her sweater as they walk down the hallway. Immediately the crowd comes alive and they surge forward like a wave all calling questions out at once, "What's wrong with you?", "Why did you freak out?", "Who do you think you are? Are you too rich to be touched or something?"

He twists his head around ferociously at the last question, everyone in front of him gulps while taking a step back. The hallway is a cacophony of voices and shouts and he can feel his anger boiling, slamming his fist into the nearest surface-a wall- he gets everyone's attention.

"Go back to your classes. Now."

Some of the male students look as if they are going to challenge his authority but another step forward is all it takes to get the student body scampering to their classrooms.

Inhaling deeply he stomps off to find the source of his unease.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It had been hard to disregard, how lacking of warmth her house was. Seojun's apartment had been brimming with warmth and love, the fridge bursting with papers and drawings documenting that someone cared enough to show them off. Her home was a large empty prison in comparison.

But she'd been right, it was dark and quiet proof that her parents were not home. With her heart in her throat she ran to her room, locking the door behind her. Sleep captured her before she knew she was in its grasps, waking up groggy hours later and forgetting where she was. Fierce pounds on her door reminded her instantly.

"Open this door now."

His voice is a low growl, even more terrifying than when he's screaming his lungs out. She grabs her vanity chair pressing it under the door knob for more protection.

She jumps when the door bulges, the loud crashing making it clear that he's slamming bodily into the door now determined to get to her.

"Please....stop." She pleads, tears already cascading down her bruised cheeks.

"Open this fucking door!!"

She's sobbing now, body folded as she cries her eyes out shaking viciously as her father continues to ran into the door, dread filling her stomach as he's never fought this hard before.

Then everything is quiet.

The pounding is gone as suddenly as it arrived. She doesn't let go her panic just yet, still too raw. Butt seconds crawl to minutes and she hears nothing so she finally exhales, sliding to the floor in relief.

She weakly crawls to her bathroom, turning the dial to the hottest temperature possible wanting to burn off his brand on her skin. After her shower she brushes her wet hair, staring at the bruise, it's turning yellow now with tinges of purple. Good thing she let Su-ah and Ju-Kyung convince her to buy foundation the last time they were in the beauty store. She will have to layer it on tomorrow.

She's starving but the thought of leaving her room with him in the house is enough to eliminate her appetite. Instead she puts on a warm sweater and sweat pants and wraps herself in a thick blanket, still too cold ice running through her veins.

She had never felt as warm as she did at his house.

A quiet knock thankfully pulls her away from such unnecessary thoughts. She simply listens.

"Su-jin, it's mom. I brought you food."

She sits up, crawling out of bed to stand in front of the bed. Her mother has never brought her food, even when she was nine and hadn't gotten a perfect score on her spelling test and her father locked her in the closet for two days with only a dictionary. She'd contemplated eating the pages before she was finally set free. Her mother had simply looked away, avoiding eye contact until she was safely back in her room.

But her stomach grumbles at the mention of sustenance and despite her best judgement she opens the door.

It's a mistake.

Immediately she notes that her mother has nothing in her hands, trembling herself and before she can slam the door shut a foot blocks her escape.

He uses the belt that time whipping her in places that others will never see, her back, thighs, and shoulders. Her mother's weakly calls out, "Don't hit her face she has to meet that boy you wanted this week."

It goes on for what seems like hours, he leaves her crumpled on the ground her body stinging as she refused to cry, blinking her tears away not wanting to give him what he wants. When her mother meekly walks over and extends a hand to her, she looks at her with listless eyes. Her mother has a fresh bruise on her cheek, her father hardly hits her anymore using Sujin has his punching bag instead but at times of high frustration he would regress.

She wonders if her mother knew that one day this would be her faith. If this was the purpose of her birth.

She doesn't take the hand. It seems there was still some hope left, it is extinguished now.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The school day had been easy she's been hiding her abuse for years, no teacher had ever suspected a thing and she didn't even blame them. It would just be bothersome, her father was a powerful man there wouldn't be much they could do.

She slaps on a smile, allowing herself to be dragged around by Su-ah and Ju-Kyung, listening as they giggle about their boyfriends chiming in the appropriate moments to not seem disinterested or jealous. She is jealous though, of their freedom and innocent problems, she'd lost her innocence a long time ago.

She knows Seojun is trying to talk to her but she can't handle seeing him right now, having to face someone who knows what she's going through sounds worst than being beat right now. So she jolts at every sight of the tall lanky figure, thankful for his fan club who seems to announce his every arrival. She's on her way to having a successful day when everything goes to hell.

She's in the bathroom drying her hands when a classmate comes in, responding to the small talk she answers the girl's question before nodding her head in goodbye.

"Oh your tag is sticking out."

That's all she hears before a hand is brushing across her sore beaten neck and her reaction is instantaneous, she turns around catching the offending hand and twisting it.

Her throat wheezes out, "Don't touch me."

The girl stares at her wide-eyed before tugging her hand away, then other girls begin to come of the stalls to see what's happening and before she knows it she's hyperventilating on the ground, nonsensical words dripping off her tongue. Everything is too loud and her head is splitting in half just when her vision is graying out, she smells a familiar perfume.

"Su-jin ah, you're going to be okay. Just breathe with me, follow me."

Ju-Kyung's voice is calming and sure, not touching her but covering them both in her sweater as she models how to breathe, she follows until her lungs are no longer burning.

"Good. You're doing so good, is it okay if I touch you? I'm going to help you up."

She grabs at the bathroom wall yanking herself until she's upright, trying to show her friend that she's not that weak but a look of hurt is displayed on her face and Sujin doesn't comprehend why.

The other girl shakes it off though, now covering her fully with her cornflower yellow sweater.

She's suddenly reminded of her nightmare this morning as she has to pass all the students in the hallway, all pointing and laughing as she falls apart some of them even have their phone out recording her and she sways uneasily before catching herself, trembling the whole way she walks down the hallway until a loud bang and a voice she recognizes all too well silences the uproar.

Resisting the desire to look back she allows Ju-Kyung to pull her up the stairs until they're on the roof. Air pumps into her lungs as she's finally free of all the judgmental eyes.

She expects the other girl to start interrogating her the moment the door closes but it never comes, instead Ju-Kyung places her sweater around her trembling body.

"You're okay. Just keep breathing."

She does her best to follow the uncomplicated directions.

After a few minutes, Ju-Kyung's phone suddenly rings disturbing the quietude. She barely hears blood rushing in her ears like the waves at the beach.

"Okay we're on the roof."

She stills at that utterance, turning in alarm.

"Who was that? Who did you tell where we are?"

Ju-Kyung looks guilty, as if she wasn't meant to hear that conversation. She doesn't want to see anyone right now, can barely stand to be with herself.

"Call them back and tell them not to come. I want to be alone."

Ju-Kyung holds her phone in her hands gingerly staring at the screen, clearly contemplating what is the right decision. She almost lunges for the phone to see who is the most recent call, but it's not needed as the roof door slams open.

"Why are you here?" She shouts, walking away now furious that tears are already filling her eyes now just at the sight of him.

"Nice to see you too princess." He drawls back, following her further onto to roof.

"Will you two be okay? I have to go back to class."

She spins to glare at her friend, why would she leave her alone with Seojun? They have had any interaction at school that hasn't been antagonistic.

"Yes, we need to talk." He answers for them and that's enough to make Ju-Kyung nod before walking off with a smile in her direction. The door shuts loudly behind her retreating back, Sujin wants to chase after her. Instead she turns back to him spitting fire and poison. 

"I told you to mind your business."

"Are you okay?" He counters, eying her like a wild animal who can bolt at any minute, he isn’t wrong.

"That's none of your business!"

His expression remains the same, those beguiling feline eyes that scream at her.

"How hurt are you?"

Her emotions come crashing down again. He just keeps pushing and picking at her, no matter how much she shouts and shoves him away he just won’t go away like everyone else did. What is wrong with him? Couldn’t he see that she was more trouble than she was worth?

"What do you want to hear, huh? That everything hurts, that he used a belt this time! Do you want to hear about how he beat me until I bleed! Why do you care what happens me, why won't you leave me the fuck alone!"

Sobs ravage her body, she keeps brushing the fiery tears away fighting with her emotions but they won't stop and her palms are wet from covering her face, her breath is hitching until she starts hiccupping uncontrollably and she starts to feel light-headed.

"Hey! Su-jin! Breathe!"

But she can't, she doesn't remember how. Her body only knows how to hurt.

"Breathe, damnit!" Despite his shout, she hears the slight quiver in his voice but she can't discern why it's there but it desperately makes her want to obey.

When he cups her head, staring her head on she feels the vine wrapped around her lungs shrivel up and air starts gushing in until she feels dizzy, she sways back and forth gravity now also working against her and then she's being reeled in, her head placed on his chest. The thumping of his heart lulls her into a meditative state, she starts to count the beats and before she knows it the cobwebs in her head subside. Embarrassed by their sudden closeness, his arms are still by his side now almost immediately retracting from her head but she can feel his warmth radiating onto the skin of her thighs, she begins to draw back.

"Just stay. It's helping."

She blisters at his words, preparing to push him away.

"It's helping me, seeing you like that....it scared me. I helped you the other night, you should return the favor."

She puffs up before deflating, she'll never admit it but this is helping having something else to focus on, his scent, his heartbeat, the way his chest expands and constricts with every breath. The buzz of their skin nearly touching, his deep voice rumbling through his chest and into her ears, all placating and soothing her worries away. 

"Fine."

She's never known Seojun to stay still for this long after years of attending the same school, always bursting with kinetic energy so she's pleasantly surprised by how long he simply stands and lets her rest on his chest, neither of them saying a word.

She stiffens when he suddenly starts moving disturbing their stillness, she sees his hands balled into tight fists by his side and wonders what's going through his mind.

"You can't go back there."

This again, she starts to remind him that she has nowhere to g--

"Stay with me."

[apenapaperandadoofus]

Can you write something in which the RFA learns about Jumin's mother, it just irks me that they don't realize the damage they unintentionally perpetuated with the way they treat him. Specially Zen, I'm sure they'll be baffled if they just knew...

YES this one is amazing actually, I'd love for them to understand him better bc they do treat my man poorly :'(

RFA finding out about Jumin's mother (mentions of emotional abuse)

After a year of being together, you and Jumin decided to move out of the penthouse and go and live at his old childhood home. You were a bit nervous about the whole change, but Jumin assured you that it was all going to be alright.

You fell in love with the house as soon as you saw it, and that night as you laid in your bedroom with Jumin, you talked about the place, and about your future.

"This is the place I'd want to raise our children." He murmured against your skin that night, and you smiled as you imagined the happy future that would await the two of you.

A few weeks later, after the two of you had gotten everything ready, you decided to do a housewarming party, and so, you invited the whole RFA.

You handed out appetisers with Jaehee by your side, as Jumin and V chatted, probably catching up after a while of not seeing each other. Yoosung was talking with Saeran, while Zen was dramatically moaning in the corner as Saeyoung played with Elly and tried to get her as close as Zen as possible.

After you were done eating, Yoosung stood up from the sofa. "Oh! Hey guys, you haven't even done a house tour yet, that's the most important thing!"

Jumin looked at Yoosung. "Hmm... a house tour? I don't see why not. Are you alright with it love?" He asked you and you nodded, standing up from your spot and grabbing Jaehee's hand.

"I'm actually pretty excited to show you all around! C'mon!" You said as you led everyone out of the living room and showed them around the rooms.

Everytime you showed the group a new room, Yoosung would let out a gasp and moan about how lucky the two of you were to have such a giant house, while Zen would scoff and say, "why do you even have these many rooms? I bet you don't even use them all."

Eventually you all made it up to the third floor, where you showed them your room and the guest rooms. As you explained to Jaehee and V what you wanted to do with one of the rooms (you wanted to build your own office and were asking for their input on the decorations) Yoosung found a room at the top of some small stairs and slowly opened it.

"Woah what's this!?" He asked as he went inside, with Zen following behind him.

"Oi, trust fund kid, why is there a room full of creepy toys?" Zen said, and then Saeyoung whistled as he looked around.

"You know this looks as if it was from those creepy horror movies where the kid dies in here or something and becomes a ghost to haunt everyone! Saeran look at these toys!"

The younger twin only rolled his eyes but did agree that it was a pretty creepy place.

You had never really seen the room before, so you were really confused too. You looked at Jumin and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey Jumin, did you know this was here?" You asked, and he nodded.

You exchanged a look with V, since it was pretty clear Jumin was feeling a bit uncomfortable. You cleared your throat trying to get the other guy's attention.

"Hey everyone, why don't we go downstairs now? I think lunch is ready."

Yoosung popped his head out from the room, an elephant plush on his hand. "Awww but I was actually having fun! Besides, Jumin hasn't even explained why you have this place.... wait." He looked you up and down and let out a small scream. "MC DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE PREGNANT!? SINCE WHEN, AND SO EARLY!? YOU TWO AREN'T EVEN MARRIED, I MEAN CONGRATS BU-"

Zen immediately walked out of the room and gaped at you, then he glared at Jumin.

"No way, YOU GOT MC PREGNANT? DUDE WHAT THE HELL ISN'T SHE A BIT TOO YOUNG TO-"

"OH MY GOD CAN I NAME THE BABY?!" Saeyoung screamed from behind and you sighed. Jaehee, thankfully cleared her throat and quieted the guys down.

"Why don't we listen to what MC wants to say instead of coming up with random conclusions? And Saeyoung, stop touching the toys, please we don't know if they hold a special meaning to Jumin."

You gave her a grateful smile and then looked at Jumin. "Well, I don't exactly know what this place is, but I am definetly not pregnant! We aren't ready for that yet haha. Anyways, maybe Jumin doesn't really want to talk about this place, so why don't we go back down?"

The boys let out a disappointed sigh but started leaving the room in a single line, and you were about to nag them when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You turned around and saw Jumin, who was giving you a small smile.

"It's alright love, thank you. I think I can tell them...after all they're my friends and I trust them."

Saeyoung let out a whoop and held a small duck finger puppet he had found inside.

"Yes! I can't wait to listen to what crazy things Jumin used to do as a child, I mean, this used to be your play room right?? What I don't get though is why it's in an actual basement, and the reason it feels so gloomy...you didn't murder someone in here did you!?"

"Saeyoung please." V spoke up from behind him and looked towards Jumin's direction, a worried expression on his face. "Jumin, you don't have to tell them, why don't we go and eat?"

Jumin shook his head and smiled at his friend. "It's fine. Like I said before, the RFA is a group I whole heatedly trust, and I'm alright with telling them. They did ask after all."

"What's the big deal?" Zen grunted. "This was probably just a room where he would play. That's all. Although I have to admit I'm surprised you even have a whole toy room for yourself. I didn't think you were one to play with toys."

Jumin smiled, although you could see that it was a sort of sad, forced sort of smile.

"You're correct, I wasn't the sort of kid that used to play with toys. Instead, I loved to read and investigate about things that intrigued me. I also enjoyed studying."

Zen scoffed. "Of course, so you had a whole room full of toys that you never used. Seriously, do you rich people care that little about everyone else? There must've been plenty of kids without any toys at home that would've killed for a room like this."

"Zen." You glared at him and he stopped, a guilty look appearing briefly on his face.

"I'm just saying..."

"Love, it's fine. He's right in a way." Jumin said. "These toys were a sort of...present from my mother. She didn't like that I wasn't like other kids, that I didn't really play with toys. So she decided to buy a bunch of them and give them to me, to see if I would finally play with them. I didn't really find them interesting though, so that only made her more exasperated in a way. To this day I don't really understand what would make her so angry but it did. She ended up filling the basement with toys and then she would lock me up in here for hours to try and get me to play with them."

You felt your eyes widen, and everyone in the RFA stood in silence as they listened to Jumin who was saying all of this in a really nonchalant way.

"Jumin...I didn't know. For how long would she lock you up?" You asked, and Jumin shrugged.

"Sometimes it'd be between four hours, if not more. One time she locked me for 15 hours straight."

"That's horrible!" You gasped. And Jumin caressed your cheek. "Jumin I'm, I'm so sorry. We shouldn't have...I'm sorry." You buried your face in his chest and hugged him tight.

"It's alright love, it's all in the past now. And I don't mind sharing it with the RFA. They're my friends and it's fine if they know. Now, why don't we go and eat? I'm sure you're all starving."

The whole group was suddenly startled by Jumin's sudden mood change but they nodded, unable to really say anything. You decided to leave downstairs first with V.

Yoosung quickly put the toy back in the room and shyly glanced up at Jumin, a guilty look on his face. "I'm...I'm sorry Jumin. We really shouldn't have been so nosy."

"Yeah... Yoosung's right." Saeyoung said from beside him, his tone serious. Jumin noticed that Saeyoung had a dark expression on his face, just like Saeran, as if they were suddenly remembering something. Saeyoung looked at Jumin and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for joking about it. I'm sure it was hard...especially to tell us. Sorry for making you remember that...that horrible thing your mother used to do...no one should ever go through that."

Jumin smiled at his friend. "Like I said, it's alright. You all didn't know, and I trust you enough to tell you. I don't mind that you asked at all."

Yoosung and Saeyoung nodded, and gave Jumin encouraging smiles before following you downstairs. As Jaehee passed by she nodded at Jumin and looked as if she wanted to say something, but instead, she reluctantly grabbed his hand and squeezed.

Jumin felt himself taken aback for a bit, after all Jaehee had never really touched him like that before, and the only times she did, it was because they were shaking hands as boss and employee.

But this time, it was different. Jaehee was now touching him as a friend. Jumin felt his heart warm, happy at the thought of Jaehee seeing him as a friend and treating him as one.

She quickly let go and walked downstairs followed by Saeran who gave Jumin a nod.

Jumin looked back at the room and was about to close the door, when he noticed Zen standing stiffly behind him.

"Zen?" He asked, and the young actor only huffed, his face suddenly becoming red.

"Uhm. I...listen. This is the only time I'm saying this, and I'm not going to repeat myself alright? So pay attention. I'm...I'm sorry about the whole basement thing. Uhm, like Seven said, we shouldn't have tried to pry into your business like that."

Jumin felt the corners of his mouth twitch, but he tried his best to keep a serious expression. "Thank you Zen. To be frank, I'm surprised that you're actually apologizing for this, it wasn't really your fault."

Zen huffed. "Idiot, I'm apologizing because I made fun of the situation without knowing anything about it. And...I mean...I am also apologizing because I might've been too harsh in you all this time. Don't get me wrong, I still think you're a brat that has always had a silver spoon on his mouth, but I guess I never thought you might've dealt with some... pretty heavy stuff too." He blushed and tried to look anywhere that wasn't Jumin, who didn't know if he should laugh or just look at Zen in surprise.

"...I probably shouldn't be saying this but, I'm glad you told us. At least now I know that you're human like the rest of us and not a robot." Zen tried to joke, and Jumin smiled.

"I certainly am not, but I'm glad that your opinion towards me has changed. I still find it strange though that you would think I'm a robot, after all, currently it isn't possible to actually make a full functioning machine that behaves like a human. Actually if there was one then I'd like to know, maybe having a robot working on C&R would help us raise stocks even more than usual, I have to ask assistant Kang to-"

"Alright shut up, I get it, I get it. Anyway we should go downstairs, the rest are probably waiting for us to start lunch."

Zen quickly walked down but before he could completely leave Jumin grabbed his arm, making Zen freeze and glare at him.

"What?" He said.

Jumin chuckled. "Nothing. I'm just glad we got to understand each other better today."

Zen scoffed. "I...yeah whatever. And I mean...like I said I'm glad you told me. I know what it's like to...to have a parent force their ideas on you. I just want you to know that I understand. I-I mean, I still despise you but...listen next time just tell us something like that, don't keep it inside. You're...you're our friend after all and we do worry."

Jumin couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face, and Zen coverrd his mouth with the back of his hand. "Yeah, yeah laugh all you want. Just don't tell anyone else that I told you this or I swear I'll never speak to you again."

Jumin chuckled. "Alright I won't."

"Good." Zen started going down the stairs.

"Hey Zen." Jumin said, making Zen sigh and look back at him with an eyebrow raised.

"You're a good friend. Thank you."

Zen felt himself blush once again and he quickly mumbled a 'you're welcome', then he quickly went downstairs.

Jumin locked the basement doors and went to the living room, where the RFA was talking. He smiled as he saw his group of friends joking around and teasing each other.

Thankfully the mood became lighter during lunch, and Jumin enjoyed talking with his friends. He was happy to be in a room full of people that he cared about deeply, and he felt even happier when you reached for his hand under the table and gave him a big smile.

The RFA behaved differently towards Jimin from that day on. It wasn't a bad different, but instead they started treating him like an actual person, that could have feelings and could joke around. From that day on Zen, Jumin and the twins definetly became closer, and even if Zen didn't want to admit it, he had really become fond of Jumin.

Eventually, you wanted to know what to do with the room, and Jumin decided to turn it into a nursery for your future kids.

"Jumin I...are you sure?" You asked him, and he nodded.

"I don't want to pass by that place and only remember the bad things. This time I want to make good memories in there, with you, and with our future family. I promise that I will try my best for all of you."

You smiled and kissed his nose. "Thank you Jumin. I'm sure that you'll be a great father, and I can't wait to start that new phase with you. Of course we have to get married first."

He chuckled and nuzzled your nose. "Yes, and I can't wait for the day where I get to call you my wife. I love you MC."

"I love you too Jumin."

[charrfie]

Alright now that its officially Forzen Friday let's try this post again since it didn't show up in the tags last time-

I'M FINALLY MAKING A FORZEN HC DUMP (kinda AU-ish territory but not really idk exactly) AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME

There are also a few other hcs sprinkled in here related to other characters (like Darnold and Sunkist for example) but Forzen is the main focus!! Despite him being a minor character I latched onto him and fleshed him out sm yall have no idea

Everything under the cut bc this shit is gonna be LONG (and there's also some more doodles that take up a bit of space!)

Also uhh if people like this I might take one for another hlvrai character later bc I have a lot to say about everyone!!

Forzen moved from France to the US with his parents when he was around 12 or 13 (yes, I'm aware that Scorpy and Holly are French Canadian and not France French but that doesn't mean Forzen can't be, I'm just being sure to say this now before someone says something to me about it)

He wanted to go to college and eventually become a game dev, but he didn't have the funds or the support for it (his family thought anything to do with games would amount to a career that would go nowhere).

Because of this, he instead was recruited in the US military. He originally had no intent to join, but after constantly being harrassed recommended to join and being entertained with the concept of being able to afford and pay for college, he caved (hence him telling the science team that his only goal is "to graduate").

He doesn't like his job very much if that wasn't clear.

And neither do most others that have the same job like him.

He was put on a "team" of his own, Team Nice, which was likely arranged as a guaranteed way to get Forzen in the way of danger, and with no one else fighting beside him, he would be easily dealt with- no one would have to worry about him bothering them again. However, he somehow manages to survive all of this, of course. Somehow. He likely knows the real reason he was assigned his own team (if you can even call it that), but refuses to fully acknowledge it for his own sanity, and instead pretends that he's some big, important person on a team that ranks so highly, he's the only one qualified to be in it. (I apologize ahead of time for giving one of the most shitposty and throwaway characters in hlvrai this much depth and angst, there was just potential there leave me alone)

Fast forward to the actual events of hlvrai though. This hc is a little outlandish but I really like the concept!!! So, at one point, Forzen is killed, presumably by some kind of creature that was out and about due to the RenCas. The science team + Benrey stumble across him (act 2 part 2 at around 13 min in for anyone curious), and Benrey decides to use the healing beam Sweet Voice on him. While Benrey and Forzen may not be on good terms anymore, Benrey still very begrudgingly cares about him and didn't want to see him get injured or die. Forzen wakes up a minute or so after the science team exits the room, assuming that he just passed out, nothing more, and goes along with things as normal.

He meets Darnold a while after his first (concious) run in with the science team. Darnold has recently dealt with the science team and helped them out, but is pretty bummed that he couldn't travel with them, as everything was far too scary and dangerous for him. Forzen, wanting to escape Black Mesa and the military altogether, ends up making a deal with him that he'll handle all the dangerous stuff if Darnold can show him a way out.

Now, meeting Darnold is a very new experience for him, since Darnold actually enjoys his company, and actually wants to befriend him! At first, Forzen openly tries to act as if Darnold is a huge deal to put up with- he goes along with with the whole "if you're escaping outta this hellhole with me, you better keep up" kinda deal (despite the fact that he kinda NEEDS Darnold to escape and show him the way out). His walls are still very much so raised, and he doesn't let his guard down as he's not used to others caring about him and his safety. But as time passes, he begins to realize that maybe Darnold DOES want to be his friend, and the tough guy act becomes less apparent.

To preface this next one- Sunkist sensed that something was up (he has a next-level sense of danger when it comes to Tommy's safety) and got to BM as fast as he could, searching every hallway for his boy. This is when Forzen finds him!! He figures that taking Sunkist as a hostage would be enough to get extra info out of the team that's been practically plaguing him lately.

Darnold doesn't know about Forzen's plans to take Sunkist hostage, so is completely fine with traveling alongside him. At one point though, Forzen and Darnold get separated (Forzen occupies him, makes sure hes safe and then runs off to deal with Sunkist). Darnold immediately uses his surroundings to model a quick little teleporter device to get Forzen back, because, you know, the man's a genius. Idc if its logical or not just go with it shhh I've gotta fill in the plotholes with something. That's why Forzen disappears all of a sudden after he's cornered by the science team. He just pops back in front of Darnold suddenly, all confused and loopy from the whole teleportation thing.

As things begin to wind down, Darnold and Forzen make it out of BM and start making a break for it, no idea how they'll get away from BM and to safety somewhere- they didnt really think things through.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for Forzen really), however, G-man picks both of them up. He means to drop Darnold off at Tommy's party, as he observed that Darnold helped his son to safety and is grateful for it. Forzen, though, he intends to "deal with" for messing things up so badly with Tommy, Sunkist, and all of Tommy's friends. This is where Darnold finds out about everything Forzen did and frankly gets really pissed with him since he thought he only had good intentions??? Luckily though, Darnold convinces G-man to give him a second chance, let him go to Tommy's party and apologize, and try things again. G-man, for some reasons agrees- probably bc hes in a good mood, as it IS his son's birthday.

The party is pretty uncomfortable to say the least. Tommy's extremely hesitant to talk to Forzen, but he does, and they end up on neutral terms by the end of it. Uneasy, but neutral. Tommy and Darnold hit it off though, and Tommy opens the invitation to Darnold that he can visit his place anytime now that everything at BM is over with.

As everyone's getting ready to leave, Forzen mentions to Darnold that he doesn't have a place to stay, seeing as the entire military was kinda. Yknow. Wiped out. Obviously wouldn't wanna go back to check anyways. And he has no interest in going home to his parents. So Darnold agrees to let him stay with him since they've become good pals over the course of everything.

Over time, Darnold visits Tommy more and more often. He starts bringing Forzen along, which Tommy is iffy of at first, but their dynamic starts to change and become more comfortable once Tommy sees that Forzen isnt interested in being enemies anymore.

Sunkist and Forzen still don't get along for a very long time. Or, well- it's moreso that Sunkist is very wary about Forzen, despite him not doing anything to harm either Sunkist or Tommy.

Oh yeah and almost forgot to mention one of my favorite hcs (that I PROMISE you started out as a joke but then I got attached) is Sunkist can talk!! So his first spoken interaction with Forzen after Forzen comes over to visit for the first time is literally just him being all threatening and laying down the ground rules bc he doesn't want Forzen to hurt Tommy at all in any way. And of course Forzen about has a heart attack bc "HUH??????? THERE'S A DOG THAT IS SPEAKING HUMAN WORDS TO ME"

UHH I HAVE MORE (I've written out so much shit about dynamics and what I'd think would happen even after all of this) BUT I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE TOO LONG like it already is SO I SUPPOSE I'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT FOR NOW!!!! I hope this isn't too ooc either, I just have Emotions about this series and write too much so why not share it yknow

[drarrygirl27]

Thanks for the tag, @unsealingkale !

I nominate @darling-lo

1. what does your name mean / mean to you?

Oh wow! I learned something new about my name. It is a Hindi boy name meaning, Center. I'm used to reading it meaning things like knowledge, wise, understanding, and water baby. This is very interesting!

I used to hate my first name years ago, but honestly I really used to hate myself for many reasons for many years. I now love my first name as much as I love my middle name. My last name is pretty cool. I used to want to change it to my biological last name, but now it ties me to both my grandma (She got remarried when my dad and his brother were in their teen years. The man she remarried, she had 3 of my uncles with, 2 are still alive.) and my dad so I'm going to keep it for a little while longer. My dad has another brother who I keep in contact with with my biological last name. They found each other through Facebook years and years ago.

2. breakfast, lunch or dinner?

Breakfast because breakfast is the bomb! That is my favorite kind of food, day or night. I do eat lunch and dinner too, but breakfast food will always have my heart.

3. what are you proud of?

I am proud of how far I actually have come in my life. There were times where I literally wanted to just let things be even when it was bad for me to do so, but I still eventually found the courage to leave when I knew that in my heart of hearts that I needed to for the good of my overall well being. I have had to do that a good bit of times in my life and despite how some of it hurt me really bad to do so emotionally and sometimes mentally even, I knew that I just had to do it because if I would have stayed in some if not most of those situations, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I don't have the best job in the world right now and things have been really hard especially with this crazy ass situation going on, but I am so much happier in so many ways than I was 3 years ago and years before that even. I have grown a lot in many ways. I have the Army to thank for that at least partly. That place pushed me to my limits in so many ways that I had no choice, but to see that I really, really needed to change in some ways if I was ever going to get anywhere in life in the Civilian world. It was what I like to call a necessary hell.

4. your go to song on a bad day?

Not sure if this counts, but when I get scared or anxious about something, I listen to "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins. It feels like he is singing it to me in a way. It sounds crazy I know, but I have loved this song for many years and overtime it just became a really good comforting song for me.

5. have / want tattoos

I don't have tattoos and I don't think I will ever get a tattoo. I don't like needles. I'm not as bad as my mom with them, but I still don't like the way they feel and I wouldn't know what to get anyway.

6. what are you looking forward to post ‘rona?

To go to places without having to wear a mask like the movies and the mall for instance. They drive me nuts! I wear them for work and when I go into stores. At home, I stay mask free because no one has the 'rona in the house because we all wear masks when we go out some where like work places and the like.

7. fave place you’ve travelled to / where you would like to travel to?

Lost Maples Natural State Area in Texas, hands down! It is a gorgeous place with mountains with hiking trails and beautiful unbelievably crystal clear water.

North Carolina. I need to pay respects to my grandma and if it is allowed I am thinking about spreading my dad's ashes on her grave as well. I was in the Army when she died. I was offered to go back home because of it, but I knew my grandma would have wanted me to keep going and so I did.

8. name a personal object in your room that you love

My grandma's and Daddi-o's memorial service discs even though the Bitch Cunt of the Century a.k.a. Former stepmom was in charge of the pictures on my Daddii-o's discs. You can tell because she is in most of the pics. *Sighs* Lord, I wish I would have had enough balls to tell that 'thing' to fuck all the way off! *Sighs* Hindsight is 2020 and unfortunately, all that shit went down in 2017.

9. what’s your niche interest?

Hmm... I have a good bit of them to be honest. I will just name my main fandoms at the moment. Rhink, Supernatural, and Harry Potter especially when it comes to shipping. LOL!

10. ideal date with yourself?

Hmm... An ideal date with myself, eh? This is going to sound so weird or maybe not, but either a trip to a bookstore or a thrift and or antique store. I love to check out those kinds of places.

11. share a pic from your camera roll that brings you joy

12. is there anything you would say to your younger self?

It may not seem like it now, but eventually things are going to get better for you and you are going to accept and love yourself for everything that you are. You're not going to hate yourself forever and there are going to be people who like and or love you as a person. Your family has always loved and respected you even if it didn't seem like it sometimes. One day, you are going to be able to look into the mirror and through very, very deep self reflection come to understand why your friends and family and the like have always loved, respected, admired, and believed in you. I love you and one day, you are going to love you too.

13. do you bop to music on (I corrected this. It originally said in.) your own? do you sing?

Yep especially while driving in my car to and from work and at work too.

Oh Hell Yeah! I sing way more than I used to especially not just by myself behind closed doors. I don't sing out loud at work though because people could be sleeping and also I'm still a wee bit hesitant to sing in front of people like face to face depending upon where I am at, who I am with, and such. I'm working on it, but I do show my talent to people a lot more than what I used to.

14. is there a type of animal you associate with home? does your house get animal visitors?

Hmm... I was around cats a lot more than dogs throughout most of my lifetime especially my childhood and teenage years.

If we're being sappy though I'd say cats and dogs now. My boyfriend's brother and sister-in-law have a cat that I love a lot. He is what I like to call a sweet asshole. LOL! He can be nice and or loving, but not towards most people. He is kind of like my boyfriend in that way. They're both assholes to people who actually deserve it, but if you're a good and respectable person they'll show you the same kind of decency.

My mom has two German Shepherds that are my fuzz sisters. I love them way more than I thought I would ever love dogs. I was just a cat person for a really, really long time, but now I actually like or love dogs depending upon my relationship with them.

15. is there an artist of any kind who speaks to your soul?

Oh goodness! So many of them do. A lot of musical artists, writers, and the like. To name them all would have me write out a novel or two even. LOL!

[lord-leche]

Ramblings

School has a weather day tomorrow (1/14/22) and Monday is MLK Day, so I got a 4 day weekend

yay? Honestly I'm not sure if it warrants a yay at this point, maybe when I was younger, more social, and would have something to look forward to, whether it be visiting my dad, going to church with my Papa, or just jacking around in the apartments. But not anymore, now, this 4 day break feels doomed to be 4 days of isolation.

And what's stabbing into my gut and just twisting around is the knowledge that this isolation is self-induced. All my friends, even if I'm not confidant enough to call them friends, are only a DM or text away. Papa made it clear as day all I need to do to recapture the magic of hanging with him is to call. Even if I can't drive yet, I can still walk.

But no, I lock myself away from the world, and I suffer. I reach new lows, find what should be rock bottom, and start digging. I just try to drown everything out, hell, I feel like I'm still trying to stop my face from showing any hint of emotion right now. Sure I don't want to feel sad or down, but is trying to be blank any better? I mean, this can't be healthy. There's no way. I don't want to feel bad, but I know that's something everyone has to deal with eventually, but I just can't make myself let it out. I know this is like a pressure cooker, with steam trapped in. I know if I don't vent out emotions regularly, they'll fly out in a fit of high pitched scream. I know if anyone is near me, they'll get hurt.

But I stay closed. I want to say I'm shy, but I can talk to a stranger no problem, I can be out and about by myself, no problem. I want to say I just can't feel, but I can. I feel the pain of dealing with this. I feel my world just brighten up every time I talk to them. I feel my throat tighten just reading this over, but I can't let it show.

My main way to escape is music, Bug Hunter for something with emotion, Bear Ghost for their upbeat vibe that allows me to dis associate, and classic rock just for the little pang of nostalgia, remembering being in the car, hanging out with my dad. And when I'm feeling heavy hearted, I have a single album; Clover, by or3o.

I think writing this my be helping, for tears almost leaked. But I still can't let myself. I click on Discord, hoping I can allow myself to forget about this rambling rant. But I can't, I am going to cry tonight, I need to let it out. But the small moment just thinking of something different, weakening the attack on the barrier I set was enough to redouble the defense. I think of them, the one who brightens up my day. I could just talk to them. Tuesday we went to a nature center, me and them. We talked about life, we related over the isolation we force upon ourselves, and how just hanging out was so liberating.

I do not know if this was a date, just hanging out. I don't know if I wanted it to be a date or just hanging out. I don't know if I want to ask them what it is, or even if I want to share this somewhere else, where my face is known and the one I'm talking about will likely see.

I can't force the tears. I could, but causing myself physical pain to cry isn't healthy. I can't let myself dodge this. I can't give myself the escape of music. All I can give is these words and hope they help me.

I sit, wait, and hope.

Nothing

I won't let myself express anything but nothing

I'm fighting to even notice I feel more than nothing.

Will this even help? I've written a bunch of nothing, and none of it helped. I acknowledged the problems, but I know I won't make myself do anything about them. I've spent a long time just letting my fingers fly, just to end at square one.

This realization brought the tears forward again, teasing to finally leak. But again I block it. Again and again and again, I block it

I can't let people see what I'm feeling, even when no one can see me. I want to change. I want to be more comfortable with my emotions, I want to be able to be me. Dad says I used to be happy, used to be open, used to be, while still weird, normal. But I just ain't

I want to be who I used to be, or an improvement on what I was. I want to be able to be genuine with my feelings, I want to be able to say "hey, I'm feeling down, please help" or "Hey, I think you're cool, you're cute, I feel like I can be open around you, want to go on a date?" I want to be able to go up to my dad, go up to my mom, and say "I love you," and not question if I really meant it. I don't want to question what love is, and if I can feel it. I just want to feel and show it. I just want to be comfortable.

But I ain't

I can't share this on Insta, my friends will see, and what if they judge? What if They see it, and stop wanting to be around me. What if my family sees, and realizes I'm always questioning if I can say I love them. What if years later, I see it, and realize I haven't changed a bit?

But I need to share this on Insta, I need my friends to see, and I need them to judge. What if They don't see it, and just thinks I'm clueless on what they want? What if my parents don't see this, and just get concerned about me growing distant, not thinking more of it? The only one who'll see it is me, and all it'll serve is a reminder that I haven't changed.

[drarrygirl27]

Thanks for the tag, @unsealingkale !

1. what does your name mean / mean to you?

Oh wow! I learned something new about my name. It is a Hindi boy name meaning, Center. I'm used to reading it meaning things like knowledge, wise, understanding, and water baby. This is very interesting!

I used to hate my first name years ago, but honestly I really used to hate myself for many reasons for many years. I now love my first name as much as I love my middle name. My last name is pretty cool. I used to want to change it to my biological last name, but now it ties me to both my grandma (She got remarried when my dad and his brother were in their teen years. The man she remarried, she had 3 of my uncles with, 2 are still alive.) and my dad so I'm going to keep it for a little while longer. My dad has another brother who I keep in contact with with my biological last name. They found each other through Facebook years and years ago.

2. breakfast, lunch or dinner?

Breakfast because breakfast is the bomb! That is my favorite kind of food, day or night. I do eat lunch and dinner too, but breakfast food will always have my heart.

3. what are you proud of?

I am proud of how far I actually have come in my life. There were times where I literally wanted to just let things be even when it was bad for me to do so, but I still eventually found the courage to leave when I knew that in my heart of hearts that I needed to for the good of my overall well being. I have had to do that a good bit of times in my life and despite how some of it hurt me really bad to do so emotionally and sometimes mentally even, I knew that I just had to do it because if I would have stayed in some if not most of those situations, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I don't have the best job in the world right now and things have been really hard especially with this crazy ass situation going on, but I am so much happier in so many ways than I was 3 years ago and years before that even. I have grown a lot in many ways. I have the Army to thank for that at least partly. That place pushed me to my limits in so many ways that I had no choice, but to see that I really, really needed to change in some ways if I was ever going to get anywhere in life in the Civilian world. It was what I like to call a necessary hell.

4. your go to song on a bad day?

Not sure if this counts, but when I get scared or anxious about something, I listen to "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins. It feels like he is singing it to me in a way. It sounds crazy I know, but I have loved this song for many years and overtime it just became a really good comforting song for me.

5. have / want tattoos

I don't have tattoos and I don't think I will ever get a tattoo. I don't like needles. I'm not as bad as my mom with them, but I still don't like the way they feel and I wouldn't know what to get anyway.

6. what are you looking forward to post ‘rona?

To go to places without having to wear a mask like the movies and the mall for instance. They drive me nuts! I wear them for work and when I go into stores. At home, I stay mask free because no one has the 'rona in the house because we all wear masks when we go out some where like work places and the like.

7. fave place you’ve travelled to / where you would like to travel to?

Lost Maples Natural State Area in Texas, hands down! It is a gorgeous place with mountains with hiking trails and beautiful unbelievably crystal clear water.

North Carolina. I need to pay respects to my grandma and if it is allowed I am thinking about spreading my dad's ashes on her grave as well. I was in the Army when she died. I was offered to go back home because of it, but I knew my grandma would have wanted me to keep going and so I did.

8. name a personal object in your room that you love

My grandma's and Daddi-o's memorial service discs even though the Bitch Cunt of the Century a.k.a. Former stepmom was in charge of the pictures on my Daddii-o's discs. You can tell because she is in most of the pics. *Sighs* Lord, I wish I would have had enough balls to tell that 'thing' to fuck all the way off! *Sighs* Hindsight is 2020 and unfortunately, all that shit went down in 2017.

This Bitch Cunt of the Century actually had the absolute gall just like she does every year to wish me a happy birthday. I of course ignored it like I do every year. In other words, Go fuck yourself & leave me alone!!! I want to forget that you ever, ever existed, please & thank you. By the way, that statement was towards my former stepmom who is I am pretty certain as a curtain has a spot in Hell waiting for her and not at any of you. I just wanted to make sure that that was clear as crystal.

9. what’s your niche interest?

Hmm... I have a good bit of them to be honest. I will just name my main fandoms at the moment. Rhink, Supernatural, and Harry Potter especially when it comes to shipping. LOL!

10. ideal date with yourself?

Hmm... An ideal date with myself, eh? This is going to sound so weird or maybe not, but either a trip to a bookstore or a thrift and or antique store. I love to check out those kinds of places.

11. share a pic from your camera roll that brings you joy

This cute little thing is Lulu off of Kittisaurus. He is my favorite cat on that YouTube channel.

12. Is there anything you would say to your younger self?

Yes there is. Things will get better than what they are now. You just have to be patient and strong. One day your life won't be completely the same. It will be better. We ourselves will be better so keep your head up kid and don't give up on the fact that one day your life will change and that you will change for the better and that you will be truly happy. Eventually, wonderful things will come your way, but you first have to go through some trials & tribulations that will make you want to just give up, roll over and cry and allow life & people to screw you over. Don't let them! You are stronger and brighter in spirit than you will ever realize. Keep striving to have a better & happier life because you are worth it. You have always been worth it and I love you. One day you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that to yourself like I am telling you right now.

After that I would embrace my younger self while she cried. That is probably what more than likely would happen if I met up with my younger self somehow.

13. do you bop to music on (I corrected this. It originally said in.) your own? do you sing?

Yep especially while driving in my car to and from work and at work too.

Oh Hell Yeah! I sing way more than I used to especially not just by myself behind closed doors. I don't sing out loud at work though because people could be sleeping and also I'm still a wee bit hesitant to sing in front of people like face to face depending upon where I am at, who I am with, and such. I'm working on it, but I do show my talent to people a lot more than what I used to.

Now that I work at the school district this has changed quite a bit. LOL! 😆 I more than likely especially this summer thus far have given unintentional concerts to some people possibly.

14. is there a type of animal you associate with home? does your house get animal visitors?

Hmm... I was around cats a lot more than dogs throughout most of my lifetime especially my childhood and teenage years.

If we're being sappy though I'd say cats and dogs now. My boyfriend's brother and sister-in-law have a cat that I love a lot. He is what I like to call a sweet asshole. LOL! He can be nice and or loving, but not towards most people. He is kind of like my boyfriend in that way. They're both assholes to people who actually deserve it, but if you're a good and respectable person they'll show you the same kind of decency.

My mom has two German Shepherds that are my fuzz sisters. I love them way more than I thought I would ever love dogs. I was just a cat person for a really, really long time, but now I actually like or love dogs depending upon my relationship with them.

As far as animal visitors go now that Doug & I have an apartment that has loads of cats just casually hanging out in some spots including our patio yesterday swatting at some birds, the answer to the next question is yes. Too bad I was at work when that was occuring. It sounded so entertaining & cute!

15. is there an artist of any kind who speaks to your soul?

Oh goodness! So many of them do. A lot of musical artists, writers, and the like. To name them all would have me write out a novel or two even. LOL! However, I will say one at least. Stevie Nicks is a huge one. I love her and her music too death. She was also awesome in Fleetwood Mac as well.

Ok. So this is going to be possibly weird to do because this post is so old and I honestly cannot remember for the life of me if I ever posted it. If I did I apologize in advance for the possible repeat. LOL!

Anyway, thank you @unsealingkale ! I apologize sincerely if I never answered & posted these questions and or apologize for doing it twice depending on whether I did not post or I already have. Anywho, here are my good vibes to you & yours: 😃💖✊✌️ Rock on! 🎸 Stay safe, Be smart, & Take care! May the Force or whatever you believe in be with you always!!! 🌟🌟🌟