#to appease my and bff's 'hope is pansexual' headcanon lol

[rainbowserenity]

For "I love you" list. 32, Hoperai, LR. Damn you if you don't make it angsty. lol

total nano count: 22591/50000

32: In a way I can’t return

this isn’t actually LR-related, buuuut I’ve had this idea floating around in the back of my head for awhile now and this prompt was perfect. please don’t be scared off by the second person POV whoops

You’rein love with an amazing man, and the amazing part is that he lovesyou back.

He’snot overly romantic, but then again, neither are you, so that’s okay.It’s in the little things, like how after six months or so, he letsyou leave you toothbrush in the bathroom and clears away a drawer inhis bedroom so that you’d have a place to put your stuff. Heunceremoniously gives you a key to his place, just because it ‘madesense’ for you to have it.

Dependableand practical. That was Hope Estheim in a nutshell.

Youadored how smart he was, how he’d make quick work of any problem,scientific or not, in a matter of seconds. This seemed to fall intoyour love life, too – whenever you told him that you loved him, hiseyes would widen and he’d reply, “I love you too!” His voicealways got a little higher-pitched like he couldn’t believe what hewas hearing, and the statement always sounded like he wascongratulating you for getting an answer right.

Butthat was okay. More than okay, really. You loved him and hisno-nonsense way of life. He was calculated and precise, but not in acold way or anything. It was just how he was.

Theonly time he ever seemed to lose control of his emotions was when youwere in bed together, but even then, it wasn’t in any sort of wildand crazy way. Sometimes his touches would just get less precise andhe often got a faraway sort of look in his eyes. You always toldyourself that he was just incredibly lost in the moment with you.

Youdidn’t have the guts to ask otherwise.

Sometimesyou wondered if he missed the old world, whatever that had been. Youhad no memories of it, but Hope did. He’d often talk to you about itat night while he traced patterns into your back – about magic andpeople turning to crystal and traveling through time. It all soundedlike something out of a storybook, but the way he told those taleswas so vivid. His words stirred some sort of primal feelingsin your heart, and it was enough to make you believe that you’d oncebelonged to that world, too.

Wheneverhe told those stories, he’d often mention a 'savior,’ and his voicewas so…reverent when he spoke of her, like she was a literalGoddess who’d fallen and demanded worship. He never mentioned her byany other name, so this person seemed more like an idea than someonewho truly existed.

Itwas how you were able to conceal the jealousy when you wished that hewould talk about you with such reverence.

Youwere a real person. Youwere the one in his bed almostevery night, the one that had space in his drawer and a toothbrush inhis bathroom. He loved you. There was nobody else.

Untilyou walked in on them.

Tobe fair, there wasn’t anything scandalous happening. When youunlocked the door to Hope’s apartment, you were startled to find himin a deep conversation with an unfamiliar woman. Her rose-coloredhair gleamed even under the dull lighting in the living room.

Neitherof them saw you at first. Even though you wanted to call out agreeting and kiss him, you just staredinstead. You couldn’t hear what the two of them were saying, butyou’d never seen Hope with that look on his face before – there wasa slight smile on his lips and his head was tilted a bit as helistened to her speak. It might have been a silly thought, but therejust seemed to be this…light thatglowed in his eyes.

He’dnever looked at you like that before.

Withoutanother thought, you cleared your throat, which caused Hope to jump alittle, but the woman just whipped her head around. The two of youstared impassively at each other for a long, suspended moment. Youhad the weirdest feeling she was sizing you up.

Luckily,Hope was right there to smooth it all over in that practical way youloved him for. “Welcome back. Oh hey, is that dinner?”

“Yeah.”You set down the bags of takeaway on the table. Two bags.

Thewoman’s eyes flickered to them and she looked at Hope, not sparingyou a second glance. “I’m going to go.”

“Oh.”For the first time in all the months you’d known him, Hope lookedgenuinely upset. “Well, I…”

“Ineed to get back to Serah.”

“Oh.”Hope nodded. “Right. Please give her my regards.”

Thetwo of them stared at each other some more and you had the weirdestfeeling that you were intruding on something personal even though youwere the one with a key. You were the one who slept inHope’s bed and had his love.

Youignored the little voice in the back of your head that taunted youwith the truth: you didn’t have that light in his eyes.

“Right,”the woman echoed, finally looking away and heading for the door.“I’ll let myself out.”

“Light- ”

“It’snot that far.”

Shecrossed the floor to leave and your eyebrows scrunched together inconfusion. “Light?” you echoed after she’d left and there wassilence in the room.

Hopejumped again like he hadn’t realized you were standing right there.“Oh, um, yes. Another friend from the old world.”

Asthe two of you sat down to dinner, you recalled all those stories hetold you when the two of you were supposed to be asleep, trying toremember someone by that name. It didn’t hit you until you weretaking out the trash that you knew exactly who she was.

TheSavior.

Youaccepted the kiss he gave you before falling asleep. Though his facewas relaxed, like everyone’s usually was in sleep, it didn’t compareto how raw his expression had been while talking to his Light. You’dnever even seen him looking like that while talking about work.

Withouthesitation, you reached over and grabbed Hope’s phone, taking it outto the hallway with you. Sure, he had a two-step unlocking system onit, but you didn’t date a man for nearly a year by now withoutlearning how to get into his phone.

Notthat you’d had a reason to do so before now.

Youscrolled through his contact list. There weren’t very many names, butthey were all organized by the same method – a first name and lastinitial.

Exceptfor one.

Youtapped on the name that was merely the letter 'L’ and a lightningbolt emoji. For a second, you just stared at the contact info,wondering if they’d only exchanged numbers today or if he’d had thisfor a long time, but it didn’t matter.

Shepicked up on the first ring, her voice wary but, ironically, full of…“Hope?”

“Nope,”you replied. Whatever anger that’d been bubbling in your chestfizzled out. Maybe you should’ve been more pissed off, but youjust felt….numb.

Lightsucked in a breath. “What are you doing with his phone?”

“Justletting you know that Hope’s in love with you.” You didn’t knowwhether to laugh or cry at how easily the words came. Maybe both.

“He– he’s not…” You got the feeling that Light didn’t oftenstumble over her words. “Hope – he doesn’t…it’s not…”

“I’veheard how he talks about you. I saw how he looked at you earlier. Youdidn’t want to leave, did you?”

Silence.Guilty silence. And then, “Why are you doing this?”

“BecauseHope doesn’t love me,”  you said. The words felt like a knife, butyou knew it was true. Or at least partially true – maybe he didlove you, but it wasn’t in a way either of you deserved while you hada toothbrush in his bathroom. You let out a wild, painful, slightlyhysterical laugh. “He doesn’t! He can’t because he loves you!”

Speakof the devil – maybe it was your laugh or your words, but youspotted Hope a second later, standing in the doorway of the bedroom.His bedroom, because what the hell had you been thinking thatit was partially yours, too?

Heruffled his sleep-mussed hair, looking confused and bleary-eyed.“Hey…” His eyes widened a bit when he saw you with his phonewith tears in your eyes. “What are you doing…?”

“Nothing.”You scrambled to your feet. “Just telling your savior thatyou’re in love with her.”

Hopesucked in a sharp, shaky breath. “How…?”

Thatwasn’t even a denial. That hurt. You glanced down at the phone inyour hand. Light was still on the line. She could probably heareverything. “She’s probably in love with you, too, idiot.” Youtossed the phone at him, watching as he fumbled to catch it. “I’mgetting my stuff and leaving. Don’t follow me.”

“No,wait - !”

Youwhirled around, staring at him for what would probably be the lasttime. His sea-green eyes, the mussed silver hair, his lean build –he was stupidly handsome and sweet and practical and so smart, but sostupid when it came to feelings.

“Don’tdo me a favor by pretending you feel the same way about me,” yousaid, your voice only wavering a little. Just a little. “Just…thinkabout yourself. For once.”

Withthat, you left him there and stomped through the place, getting yourstuff. Some clothes, a couple of little knickknacks, your toothbrush.It was barely enough to fill a plastic bag. Gods, you were pathetic,thinking that all of this meant something.

Beforeyou left, you took the key to his place out of your pocket and leftit on the kitchen counter.

Andthen you walked out for good.

Overthe next few months, you couldn’t help but wonder if anything hadcome from that night – if Hope had actually talked to Light andthey worked through their feelings or if they decided that you werebeing silly and continued to dance around each other. You had toadmit that, as painful as it was, the first option was preferable.The thought of Hope stringing someone else along like he’d done withyou – even without realizing it – twisted your chest in pain thatyou couldn’t even begin to describe.

Aboveall else, you wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with you.

Thenext time you see him, it’s not in person, which makes sense sinceyou’ve long since moved away. You’re snuggled up next to yourboyfriend on the couch and flipping through the channels while he’sstaring at his phone. Even though you’re going through the boringnews channels, one makes you stop and watch.

Therehe is, right on the national news – Hope Estheim receiving an awardfor some kind of scientific breakthrough.

Eventhough it’s been a year and a half since that night, there’s still aslight little pang in your chest as you watch him, practicallybeaming as he receives a fancy-looking plaque. The hurt in your heartdissipates when you catch a glimpse of rose-colored hair off to theside, and when Hope moves his hand just right, you can see a goldring on his finger.

Yourboyfriend looks up from his phone with a frown. “Why are youwatching this?”

Youshrug with one shoulder, gesturing to the screen. “I used to datethat guy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.”Your boyfriend cocks his head a bit and squints. “I can’t reallysee you with him.”

“Whynot?”

Hegrins and pulls you closer. “Maybe because I can only see you withme.”

Yousmile and tilt your head up for a kiss. When you glance at the TV onemore time before turning it off, Hope has a beaming smile on his faceand light in his eyes. You know it’s partially from whatever awardhe’s gotten, but when he glances to his right and the camera pans toLight, who looks much softer than that day you’d met her, you knowthe award’s not the only reason for his grin.

Itwas incredible, really. Hope had known her in an old, dying world andcarried her with him here to reality. Those two had been with eachother through so many lifetimes, and yet somehow, you were theonly one to see the light in his eyes when he looked at her. Maybeshe’d gotten so used to the expression that she hadn’t been able tosee it for what it was.

Youshook those thoughts out of your head and tossed the remote to theside when TV flickered off, instead turning your attention to yourboyfriend’s lips.

Youonce loved a dependable, practical man who couldn’t return your love.The amazing part is that you found someone who can.