#tldr i'm kinda considering moving into my more original projects

[secondsonaym]

(blinks my eyes cutely)

you want to buy some of my adopts sooooo bad

no, but seriously, my disabilities are currently at the point where i can work maybe a couple hours, then fatigue as well as a migraine hits me, forcing me to stop everything and spend a good chunk of time in bed so i reaaalllyyy need the support

I also have commissions open and am more confident in being able to get through them, albeit at a pretty slow pace, so if you want some pretty art from me then by all means <3

My adopts

My commissions

You can also become a ko-fi supporter to get previews/preclaims to my adopts and discounts on commissions

[tsfanart]

You know, it really makes more sense for TLDRs to be at the top of blocks of text instead of at the bottom. Anyway, the TLDR is is that I think my sense of self has grown too reliant on the attention I get from my art, and I'm considering a Tumblr/Discord hiatus, at least for a couple weeks. Likes are fine but I'd prefer if people didn't comment/reblog/etc.

Hnnng...you know, I wrote this post with the hope that I could read it when I was down, but tonight I just don't feel like it helps.

No matter how many times I try to tell myself otherwise, the craving I have for Thomas' attention is arguably getting toxic. I have notifications on because I am pathetic enough to know that he's a tiny bit more likely to reply to comments if they're posted immediately, but that also means I get notified whenever he retweets something that isn't mine, and that only hurts me. So much of this is based on sheer luck, especially when it comes to Twitter, but that's exactly why it's so obsessive. I mean, it's an actual psychological phenomenon (that I'm forgetting the term for right now but whatever).

And while there are certainly highs, they don't last long. Even the best notices I've gotten are ones that I've made excuses for--for example, the Sanders Sides double acrostic that I submitted to him didn't count because...well, I submitted it to him, he didn't find it on his own. And so on.

I mean, it could definitely be worse. But it's not good either. Part of why this is coming up is because I didn't get anything out of his Twitter video from tonight. He was talking about "all the videos that people sent in" which I think referred to the video he reblogged earlier (which I didn't participate in). And THAT made me feel insecure about my Tweet compilation project because I feel like it's not special enough and also that it will make me look like a copycat. (I'm still gonna complete it and send it to him though, of course. That sentiment wasn't that strongly internalized but it did bum me out a bit.)

I'm not sure how to solve this problem. I think right now, the prospect of turning off Twitter notifications would just make me more anxious. I'll just have to keep moving forward, really.

But on a smaller level (no, I'm not done yet), I'm starting to realize that I'm also toxically insecure about my place in this fandom, especially since joining Discord. Like, someone geeked out last night when they realized I had joined, and that was cool and I got a high off of that, but earlier this evening an even more popular blog joined the server and several people geeked out and that brought me down again. And then there were those text stories--I thought it was original and I wanted it to be my thing but I wasn't very good at them and they weren't that popular, and then other people started doing them and they were better at it than I was so I just kinda gave up my plans to make more. And although it sounds selfish, I'm really protective of my Google search stories because at least those are popular. Either way, I'm nowhere near iconic. I'm never gonna create something like IOL, for example, which I feel like everyone knows about.

Anyway, unlike with the Twitter issue, I don't think I would be as bogged down by FOMO if I were to check out of Tumblr for a little while (and also Discord, if I can do that?). Maybe I'll take that time to get a bunch of projects lined up so I can exercise my creativity without worrying about what others are up to. It's definitely worth considering, but now I really ought to get to bed.

Alright, don’t get me wrong–there’s absolutely no way that the 500+ people who have liked/reblogged/gushed over my limericks would ever be thinking all of this stuff. And part of the reason I’m posting this in the first place is because I realize it’s a bit silly and overkill, and I’m able to laugh at that.

But I also think it’s okay if the only person I’m doing this for is myself. I feel so much better now that I’ve been able to get this all down, because even though I may not be able to find the perfect solutions to everything that bothers me, I have a much better chance of making them better now that I’ve managed to articulate *why* they bother me. Even if I don’t end up finding a line that I like better, composing this analysis was still worth it in and of itself.

But moreover, as I talked about on my side blog a few days ago, it’s all an exercise in problem-solving for me. And maybe it’s coming from the freedom of being done with all my formal schooling and not having to make things good for anyone but myself, but I’m just finding so, so much joy in the very process of learning and improving for its own sake. Certainly for some people writing all that out could make them more agitated, but I find it thrilling.

ETA: Also, I think that pouring my energy into making my work good for myself is healthier than pouring my energy into trying to get him to see it. Because of course I want him to see it, so much–I think anyone who makes fanart feels that way sometimes. I’ve gotten all different levels of attention from him, and probably the best was getting advice when he read my message aloud during his livestream in early October. Making it into the cosplay video was pretty cool too, but getting him to retweet or reblog my art is certainly next on the bucket list.

I am holding onto the faith that that will happen one day, but at the same time I’m only gonna get hurt if that’s all I ever focus on. In the meantime, I’ll continue to make my art the best it can possibly be for me. Anyway, I just thought I’d add this because I feel like it’s something that’s important for all of us as fans to keep in mind.