#tldr fuck covid and fuck ableists who dont think you're trying hard enough

[ktkat1377]

As someone who's recently joined the chronically disabled, I feel this. Literally woke up fine one morning and had it develop as the day went on, and my life hasn't been the same since. Chronic migraines that resist every kind of treatment that we try, and to top it all off, they're vestibular migraines, not your usual migraines, so they don't respond to the usual migraine meds. Best I can figure is that the last time I got covid turned on a dormant hormonal migraine gene that affects a lot of the women in my family that skipped me entirely until now. Thanks, covid. Now I'm facing being medically retired from the army and having to get disability from the VA because I'm consistently getting 10 to 25 migraines a month, unless they just happen to find some treatment that actually starts to work.

My 1SG was having a bad day and was giving me flack one day because he tried to make me go for a run and I was only able to go 30 seconds before I was smacked with a bad migraine. Felt like someone popped me in the right temple. Eyes watering, could hardly see, super dizzy, couldn't think, so nauseous I wanted to puke. He starts questioning me about all the stuff I've done to fix it. I've had three MRIs, I've been to the ear, nose, and throat specialist, I've had vestibular rehab, vision rehab, been to a neurologist, seen the optometrist to rule out the prism issue that Joy had, tried Sumatriptan, Rizatriptan, Zolmitriptan, tried several migraine preventative meds that obviously don't work, tried a bunch of OTC migraine vitamin supplements to no effect, etc. And the man had the audacity to ask me if I had tried dramamine to help with the dizziness. Dramamine! You really think that wasn't one of the first things I tried when I had 24/7 vertigo that was so bad that I couldn't even drive or take a shower? People really think that you aren't actively working or trying everything under the sun when you have some sort of disability or chronic issue. They have NO idea that you could literally be perfectly fine that morning, and all of a sudden, your life could permanently change.

Whenever I get a particularly nasty message, I always check to see if they're following me first. Nine times out of ten, they're not. But they're also, unfortunately, the same people who feel entitled to send me multiple messages in a row, most of them heavily steeped in the language of moralization and purity.

Like whenever I talk about painkillers or pain management, I always get a handful of well-meaning people who are maybe new to my blog or are just young, asking me if I've tried diet/exercise/meditation, etc.

Sometimes I'll respond to them. Other times I'll just ignore them because I get those kinds of messages so often it's like white noise, and maybe part of me hopes if they stick around on my blog, they'll learn it through exposure via my incessant bitching.

When you see me responding to someone offering that kind of advice, it's either because I'm at my fucking limit or because I'm hoping it's a teachable moment and an otherwise seemingly nice person might unlearn some harmful biases.

The people who don't follow me are not interested in any kind of conversation on the subject. They do, however, feel the most qualified to tell me, someone they didn't know existed until one of my posts crossed their dash, how to manage my life, everything I'm doing wrong, and why I'm a bad person.

And for them, my disability is proof that I am a bad person because they view health as a moral issue.

If you're sick, it's because you don't exercise enough, don't eat the right foods, don't pray enough, don't do enough. They genuinely believe that if they say and do all the right things, like a Good Person, they'll never get sick.

It's their security blanket against the harsh reality that anyone is one bad day away from disability. One faulty gene, one bad infection, one bad accident away from a life-long diagnosis. And if they do get sick, it's a test. A challenge to be overcome with Willpower as they learn the True Meaning of Life.

It can never just be a simple fact of life that sickness happens. That disability exists without a moral reason.

And it's suffocating.

Day in, day out. Folks who don't know me from fucking Eve telling me I'm being punished. Not always as outright as that. They don't always use that word. But sometimes I appreciate it when they do because at least then they're being honest. They're not couching it in the softer language of leftist circles. Not hiding it behind concern.

Because the truth is, there are just as many folks who think they're liberal and enlightened who'd be happy if disabled people just stopped existing. They don't like thinking about us because it makes them think about themselves. About their own fragility and mortality, and they hate that. They hate that there's something they can't control with their thoughts and actions. That they can't moralize their way out of.

Honestly, it's a relief when people are just cunts about it because I can hit the block button, safe in the knowledge that they were never the kind of person who would see me as a person. But when it's some 20yo kid with their pronouns, orientation, and "ACAB" in their profile spouting the same kind of moralization, sometimes even with the language of eugenics, it feels like such a betrayal. Like a loss.

And perhaps if I wasn't multiply disabled, I'd have the energy to pull them back. To tell them why they're wrong and hope like hell they realize what they're doing is harmful. But then, if I wasn't disabled, they wouldn't be messaging me, so I wouldn't be dealing with it.

I wouldn't be expected to use my existence as a teachable moment to spoon-feed them compassion. But I am, and I do. When I can. Not always with the grace that's warranted. Not always with the thought and compassion I ought to. (And I don't; I acknowledge that. I'm prone to anger and off-the-cuff remarks that are hurtful too. Though I try to keep most of it to myself or save it for therapy.)

Basically, if you've made it this far through the TED talk, don't be fucking cunts to disabled people. Don't tell chronically ill people to try yoga. Don't moralize pain relief. Suffering is not noble.

You need to kill the cop and the priest in your head telling you otherwise.

And also if you're the nice people sending me nice messages. Thank you. It helps cushion all of *gestures* this.