#tl;dr i've inverted crossdressing. i'm an invert.

[aeide-thea]

i've probably said this before but like. not-very-secret confession is that i absolutely don't believe my own gender hype most of the time [although like, dgmw, you all still better!], i have a constant inner mantra of like. 'wow yr a deluded wannabe' even though like. logic would suggest that most women do not in fact Want Not to Be Women. like plenty of women of my acquaintance are pretty 'eh' about the whole thing but like. it's an 'eh' of least resistance—they're not interested in getting people to use non-she/her pronouns for them, or in actively masculinizing their presentation—and so like. i do actually think ~gender desire~ (as some piece on medium put it one time) constitutes a gender position in itself.

(also i do in fact feel complicated & often-negative abt various Traditionally Gendered aspects of my body [& in fact have since puberty, not that that's a requirement necessarily, but like. have def been unearthing some suppressed memories there!], but like. (i) hating myself is familiar and comfortable and load-bearing! (ii) do i really want to add yet another Maintenance Routine. so swamped with execdysfunc already. (iii) have not yet worked out how to bear permanent change. [obviously stasis is its own sort of permanence but.] (iv) accessing anything medical establishment-y is like. gonna take SO much work. i gotta figure it out for some other stuff and i'm overwhelmed and just, like, playing civ vi about it.)

anyway like. probably having some kind of masc*ish peer group such that i had a position that wasn't just like. Alienated from Society Around Me (lots of women i love & value but like. i get 'ladies'd every time i hang out with one.) and more like. oh we share something maybe. would be good but, you know. the soc anx. oof the soc anx. /o\

BUT! my actual point in making this post (before i got sidetracked making one million very adhd defensive disclaimers) was that one of the more gender-affirming things i've found lately is like. digging out old women's clothing actually. just bc it's like. oh actually this is not at all the ~natural fit~ my inner cissexist expects, i look like i'm trying to stuff a marmot into a satin ballgown! right okay then! and then i realize 'oh right the ways in which my current wardrobe is agender are actually doing a LOT of gender work for me, i'm just totally erasing that work most of the time in order to more effectively shit on myself!' and it's like. a helpful data point.