#time to get emotional but i'm so lucky at having you from my recent mutuals you have no idea

[faceglitchsworld]

teresa your tags are NEVER annoying and i love reading them 💕😘

*Tumblr user faceglitchsworld found giggling at the phone screen while reading this ask *

AWWWWWWWWW Lucie you're so sweet idk how should I be thankful 🥺

[signedkoko]

Howdy!

Makes perfect sense about the requests, thank you for letting me know!

There was really one idea that I've been thinking about but it's kinda angsty and cliche so I understand if it's not the most interesting prompt

--

It's for poly Stolas and Blitzø x reader (but if you don't write poly relationships they can be separate)- finding their s/o crying? Usually their (s/o) tries to be self-sufficient and while they're in touch with their emotions, feel uncomfortable being vulnerable about it.

--

I understand if you choose not to write it for any reason, though. Take care 💛💛

-🐻

Stolas X Reader X Blitzo [Comfort]

In which the two stumble upon you crying, and do their best to comfort you.

Of the two, you are likely to be the most down to earth, go with the flow person

It works best that way with two large personalities, they give you all the love and attention you could need

And ultimately, you are very good at working through your own problems more personally, since a lot of them don't concern your lovers

The both of them have a lot of more pressing matters that require a lot of support, though Blitzo is far more begrudging about his issues

It was just that, recently, everyone has been so busy, and you found yourself falling below the line of being 'okay enough'

Except Blitzo had so many clients with IMP recently, and it was that time of year where Stolas has to participate in all kinds of royal ceremonies required of his lineage

So you were mostly home alone, seeing them at the end of the day and, if lucky, during breakfast

It's not to say they were neglecting you or one another, but there was a mutual understanding that the three of you had very demanding lives- or at least, they did

Everything was just becoming a bit much, and you found yourself spending most your day shut in

One evening, Stolas came home a tad earlier than expected

He knew you'd be home, and after a long day he wanted nothing more than to tell you about it and see your face again

He was very troubled when he heard crying coming from your shared room

Probably runs in, blowing the door open and dramatically lifting you up into his arms

" Oh my is everything alright my dear!? "

Like a mask had been switched, you hid your tears and stopped crying, shaking your head

Even if you try to tell him you were just a bit sad, he will not have it, it is extremely rare to see you crying, and knowing you'd been home alone all day he worried you hadn't taken care of yourself

He lets you back into the bed and hushes you, rubbing circles into your back and using his magic to bring the phone to him

" Blitzo, when will you be home? "

" Kind of in the middle of something, Stolas, can it wait? "

" I'm afraid not, you see, our partner- "

" I'll be there in 5. "

Literally there in less, his van is squealing into the driveway and you can hear him running through the halls, and when he enters he is on the phone, likely yelling at Moxie to take care of everything

Both are on you in moments, Blitzo is inspecting you for any injuries and Stolas is soothing you with scratches and comforting gestures

While Stolas will try to coax you into being more open with them, Blitzo is far more direct

Because, fuck! He's worried! And if you don't tell him what's wrong, how can he fix it? How can he make it all better?

As hard as it may be to get things out, they won't leave until they can figure something out for you

Author's Note - I always like s/o with Stolas and Blitz because I imagine reader can be sort fo a mother figure to both Octavia and Loona! Anyhow, thank you for requesting, and please enjoy 🖤

[angellayercake]

Ghost Fandom Fic Recs

This is such a great idea @ghuleh-recs thank you so much tagging me in yours and saying such lovely things about Banchetto!

I must say this is by no means an exhaustive list of the writers I admire but on digging through my tags and my AO3 bookmarks these are the ones that had my giggling and kicking my feet all over again

And this is getting really long so I'm am going to try to limit myself to one fic per amazing person 💜 haha I failed so hard at that you are all too talented.

@ghostchems I actually gobble up everything chems writes like a greedy little gremlin and I love her OCs as much as I love the Papas. But as I recently admitted I have been fangirling about her since before I was lucky enough to be her friend so Black Light Guides You is my go to for many reasons. It's got the signature horny/horror Chems blend as well as our boy getting resurrected and taking back his rightful position. I love how Terzo and Marion's relationship develops and I am so excited about where they are headed in the ongoing sequel A Perpetual Rise. And then Burn with me!!!! I came for Dracopia and stayed for Mia.

@ramblingoak The Queen of AUs if you want a Papa in any kind of situation Oak is the person you need. If I start talking about The Cardinal's Bride I will actually never shut up and Oak suffers enough word vomit about it from me so I will stop there. But I will say Oak is an incredible all rounder. Every thing she writes it is great and there is something fantastic for everyone. Sexy Cardinals, Mary Goore, Vibrating Pants, Ghaseball, Rat Birthday Parties or Zombies have at it!!

@the-hole-in-terzos-shoe No matter what the scenario Shoe writes the most romantic, charming Terzo you will ever read. I was going to rec the incredible My Dirty Little Secret and Let's get these heels off... which was inspired by our mutual love of Vita deVoid's Terzo but then she dropped Intro to Romantic Literature yesterday and I haven't been able to stop thinking about Professor Terzo so just go read both.

@sucharide If you want to read about some of the darkest depravity written in the most beautiful poetic way you could ever imagine then Roach is the writer for you and A Problem of Mind and Body is the perfect example. But my personal favourite and the first I read I think is Ritual and Ruination a silly and sexy look at the consequences of rituals gone wrong. And who am I kidding I can't not put Poor Beast in the Catacombs on here.

@zombiequeenblog I tell everyone who will listen to me about Cardinal Copia: A Sadistic and Glorious Bastard. It was my first Dark Copia fic and still to this day my favourite Copia characterisation. He is such a well rounded full character in this and I can't get enough. It's hot, it's emotional, it's scary at times but I can count on my hand how many couples I am as invested in and these two are at the top of my list. The world building is incredible, this version of The Abbey is so vibrant and all the side characters are so fleshed out. I have an especially large soft spot for Terzo in this fic he is the perfect dramatic flirt and I would give anything to be one of his girls.

@honeyynymphh Reading anything by Missy is like reading a gothic horror classic. The way she builds atmosphere is second to none a little nightmarish, a little maudlin (good golly go get this kid some laudanum!) is such a great example. And another one of my favourite Copia characterizations especially in The Mark of the Beast, Freshly Squeezed and my personal favourite there’s total depravity (standing right in front of me) he is so mean and I love it so much.

@kissingghouls SUCK CLUB!! I can't possibly decide which one of these is my favourite. I love this whole universe. There is so much going on and I can't wait to get to the bottom of the ongoing vampire mystery. I love how they all interact and I love that the all read The Cardinal's Bride! The Count, The King, and The Prince and I just love them all!

@xfilesinamajor With Wandering Steps and Slow This Terzo!!! This one right here is my favourite, god this fic breaks my heart but it is so so so perfect. His self esteem, his natural charm as a defense mechanism god I am obsessed with it. Also The Peach is one of the hottest ghost fics I have ever read. The ghoullettes really need to get more action, especially if it's like this

@writingjourney Everything Ibi writes is just so perfect. The slow burn of Honey and Venom and Unprecedented have me on the edge of my seat. But I have to especially urge everyone to read Friday Nights at the Cinema Club because if you aren't a Primo fan you are wrong and this will show you exactly why. Like I said, perfect!

@sweatandwoe I am always impressed with the ideas that sweaty comes up with. Really fun and original and hot. These assorted drabbles and headcanons are an excellent place to start. Study Break is so incredibly hot and The Sacrifice was a real highlight from petrifying papas. I also can't rec sweaty without mentioning the Saren fics because WOW. If you have any interest in Mass Effect and Turians then you have to read Overflow and Melting Point

@inkstainedrat Lacrimis et Memorias This fic broke my heart and put it back together again. It is the definition of bittersweet and yeah. I have a lot of feelings about Terzo and this story pokes every single one of them and is another one that stays with me.

@violet-lazer Another one of my favourite Terzo writers, in Pride, Incumbent and Astronomy he is so charming and lovely. Also Terms of Engagement Copia is such a cutie

@whatawonderfulexistence--blog Distractions is a lovely first date with Terzo and then Strawberries because i do love when he is being all seductive. Also I'm not fully caught up with Powerwolf yet but Atone was so HOT

@hallowed-be-thy-username Kissing the Obscene was the Terzo fic I ever read and Please Papa was the second and I just keep going back to them. I had started to fall in love with Terzo already but reading these and all the others really sealed the deal. And also coincidentally one of my favourite papa cosplayers!!

[fanaticsnail]

I have a question about your WIPs of a different kind: how do you not lose sight of all the WIPs and ideas when you write so many at the same time ? And what is your progress when crafting a Story (multi chapter or one Shot) in general? If its okay to ask?! To some, there work progress is very personal so i get If you don't wanna answer it 😊

Because i am over here like:

And I wanna cram all my initial ideas in one thing and then there is the next Idea and I get overwhelmed and then i forget little details and scenes i was so proud of. And then i am to overwhelmed to write anything down 🥺 or i wanna sleep and the ideas come to me just then and are gone the next morning haha 🥲

And you are more like this with your writing✨:

Also your recent WIP-List is soo exciting

Have a beautiful start of the day, Snail✨🍀i will go to bed now!

Oh no, believe you me -> I am exactly like that. My writing process is not pretty and all of my thoughts are maddening. Thank you for asking, I'm happy to show you exactly how my brain maps out if you like!

A glimpse of my writing process:

Snail: "Oh, I have this idea. I wonder what it would look like if I just..." writes a small introduction, gets overcome with the thoughts, watches it play out on my screen the longer I write, letting the words take over, surprised at the scenes coming out, genuinely shocked by the plot like watching a movie for the first time, nodding along and wondering how the hell that happened, writes a one sentence conclusion.

Snail: "...oh, but I can't just leave it there. I should just-." keeps writing, oh no now it's a lengthy series, playlists and soundtracks propel me to keep going, freaking out about the word count now, keep writing until satisfied with the conclusion.

And then it sits in my documents until it happens again for another fic. The amount of ideas I have for myself is insane, and I try to find the time to add a little bit per day for one or the other. Then I go through it and read it a bit later and format it then and see if I can get more giddy emotions to come out of it while editing.

Then there's the fics I haven't written that play out in my mind like a little story when I drive (obviously focussing on the road too) like the Cabaret at Baratie fic I've been attempting to write and map out for a few months now. I keep getting side tracked because I want you to not only have a "why choose" between Sanji and Zoro, but imagine it being the Heart Pirates, Cross Guild, Kid-Pirates, it just never ends.

Here's my current unhinged docs (I have blurred the ones that are a little incredibly NSFW).

When the ideas come to me at night, I usually text myself a note in the middle of it so I don't forget. The Apprentice with Mihawk and When You Had The Chance with Beckman were fics that came from the middle of the night prompts.

I'm also lucky enough to have some beautiful mutuals who chat to me and listen to my unhinged ramblings and add little points to spur me on. Chef-husband has also been on the receiving end of such ramblings. I also keep asks and requests in my ask box until I form something cohesive, which is why it takes me so long to answer some things.

SO TO SUM UP: I am exactly like this too.

How I think I write:

How I actually write:

[nerdnag]

Sure, let's go! 🥑🍬🔪🦷🐝🧩?

Yayy!! And sorry this took so long! My adhd refused to let me answer it yesterday 😬

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

@wild-moss-art without question. They always offer good advice and also they would probably most definitely know how to get rid of a body

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Waah 🙈 I normally avoid this kind of question like the plague because it makes me so uncomfortable to expose myself to Potential Discourse, but I'll give it a shot!!

Since we're both in the AA fandom... I don't know how much of an unpopular opinion this is since I have seen others mention it, but. I much prefer AA4 Phoenix to his other versions, and I'm sort of disappointed he seemed to revert back to the old Phoenix in AA5. I think AA4 Phoenix is freaking awesome. My kinda guy. (I did read a sort of fan essay recently though about how Phoenix was actually always AA4 Phoenix in some manner, and always will be, and that a lot of the difference in AA4 comes from the fact that you are barely inside his brain/POV at all, which makes him look more mysterious and random and incredibly freaking cool when we all know deep down how he's mostly just very lucky, lol. And that did convince me somewhat that it wasn't just a one-off thing, but still. I think his secretive, will-do-whatever-is-necessary, smug-ass attitude was incredibly interesting to engage with and it's sadly absent in the other games.)

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I'm running out of things to say to this question. XD Uhhh. Oh! I went deep into Brazilian favelas in 2016!

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

Alright, here's some personal wisdom courtesy of Sara von Nerdnag-Nuvelle!

I try to think of being wrong as something positive. So although I was very defensive when I was younger and still sometimes struggle not to be, I've managed to reprogram myself so that I usually instinctively respond by admitting to being wrong whenever I see a chance to do so. (I still struggle to do it in emotional situations though, it's easier when it's something more factual.)

And if it feels difficult to admit to being wrong, here are some reasons why being wrong is great, actually!

You get to learn new things and improve as a person.

Other people will view you as humble and tend to like you more.

Also related to the previous point: In the cases that you do not admit to being wrong, people will tend to take you more seriously since they know you're not just being obtusely defensive.

Each time you admit to being wrong and therefore learn something new, you get a cool new sword that you can then defeat other people with!! (Metaphorically speaking)

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

I've already tagged Nic and Eifie, who are the two biggest supporters for my writing, so I'll answer from the perspective of my art instead! And in that case, I'd say @wild-moss-art is likely my biggest supporter!! They found me on tumblr because they liked my Constance art, and I was so intimidated at first because oh my god artworld beyoncé. Their art - especially the Constance art - is so good!! And not only that, they turned out to be incredibly cool and helpful and thoughtful. They leave such nice comments on my art, and have helped me several times to fix anatomy or other stuff I wasn't getting right. Also they're really nice to talk to. 💕

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

Ooooh, hm. There are probably a few things, but if I'm choosing just one, I guess it would be that I see immediate signs of it being a little too badly/awkwardly written for me to be able to get through it. And... I'm not entirely sure what these signs are, but I know they are very instinctual and I can usually catch them within a few paragraphs at most.

[kyleledfordswriting]

It was two days before the one-year anniversary of the death of the guitarist of my old band, and I was feeling all kinds of emotions. I was still trying to process the loss of my friend when I heard the news of another death. This time, it was my high school buddy who had invited me into my first-ever band.

Working in the music scene can take a serious emotional toll on you, especially when you're surrounded by vulnerable souls and vice-filled environments. It's like a recipe for disaster. As I reflect on my own experiences, I realize just how lucky I am to have made it this far without meeting a similar fate. I mean, I could have easily been in their shoes if I hadn't been careful.

The thing is, it's not just about luck. I need to start taking my own mortality seriously and think about my safety as I continue to navigate this path. It's easy to get caught up in the music and the partying, but I can't forget that I'm not invincible. It's time to start making some changes before it's too late.

The feeling of loss and death is amplified by my recent separation. It was a conscious uncoupling, we said. As if that would somehow soften the blow. But let me tell you, there's no such thing as a pain-free breakup. No amount of mindfulness or self-reflection can fully prepare you for the feeling of loss that comes with the end of a relationship.

At first, I thought I was handling it well. I was calm, cool, and collected. But as the days turned into weeks, I started to feel the weight of it all. The joy, the love, the adventure - it was all gone. And in its place was an emptiness that seemed to seep into every corner of my life.

It wasn't until later that I realized what I was feeling was grief. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - I was experiencing them all. And it was no wonder, really. I had become addicted to the feelings that came with being in our relationship, and now that it was over, I didn't know how to cope.

To make matters worse, I had lost more than just a partner. I had lost a friend group too. The people we used to hang out with together were no longer interested in spending time with me.

It was hard to see my ex still hanging out with them, laughing and joking like nothing had changed.

So here I was, alone and adrift, trying to navigate this new reality. It was a scary and uncertain place to be, but I knew I had to find a way through it. Because in the end, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And I was determined to come out the other side of this breakup a better, stronger, more resilient person.

At first, I thought I’d try dating. I mean, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do after a breakup? But as I scrolled through dating apps, swiping left and right, I realized something. I wasn’t really interested in dating. I was just trying to distract myself from the pain of losing my relationship and my friends.

So I decided to take a different path. Instead of looking for a new romance, I started looking for new connections. I wanted to find people who I could talk to about what I was going through. People who wouldn’t judge me or try to fix me, but who would just listen and offer their own perspectives.

It hasn’t been easy. Making new friends as an adult is a weird and sometimes awkward experience. But slowly, I’ve started to build new relationships. I’ve met people through work, through hobbies, and through mutual friends. And you know what? It’s been good for my soul.

I’m not saying that I’m over my breakup or the loss of my old friend group. But I’m starting to see that there’s life beyond those things. That there are people out there who are worth getting to know. And who knows - maybe someday, I’ll even find someone worth swiping right for.

It's not every day you wake up and realize you're not as cool as you thought you were. I had one of those moments after having some deep and heartfelt conversations with new friends. I had to openly and honestly look at how difficult it was for me to process the trauma of having had a miscarriage.

You see, in my past relationships, the idea of having children was never seriously considered, or was completely off the table. So I had never even imagined what emotional space going down that path could exist within.

That all changed when my last partner said to me that they wanted to take out their birth control and have children with me. It was a bombshell. I was surprised at how I immediately knew I was 100% on board. The child that we could make together was such a beautiful expression of love and creation in my mind. The future of my life came into focus, and there seemed to be a true feeling of meaning and purpose to all of the experiences I had lived through up to that point.

When we started to tell our friends and family, I was so proud. I felt like I had accomplished something, even though I hadn't done anything yet. I remember sharing the news around my day job workplace, and the support of my co-workers was so empowering. It was like I had become part of an exclusive club, one that I never knew existed.

But then something happened. Something I never could have imagined.

We lost the baby. It was devastating. It was like someone had punched me in the gut, and I couldn't catch my breath. All of a sudden, my life had lost all meaning and purpose. I was lost in a sea of grief, and I didn't know how to get out.

I had to take a step back and reassess everything. I had to look at myself and my life in a way that I had never done before. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary. And it's still a work in progress. But I'm getting there. I'm slowly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that one day, I'll be able to look back on this experience and see it as just another chapter in my life. But for now, it's a chapter that I'm still living, and one that I'm still trying to make sense of.

It was a crushing blow when our plans for a child were ripped away by the unfortunate miscarriage. The enthusiasm, love, and sense of purpose that we had felt just moments before were suddenly replaced with spiraling negative emotions. I struggled to cope with the loss of our potential future, but I can only imagine what my partner was going through. As a woman, the trauma of a miscarriage must run deeper than any man could understand.

At first, I tried to remain calm and rational when my partner brought up the idea of separating. But in reality, I was in a state of shock and denial. I hadn't fully processed the loss of our relationship in the context of losing our child. Our baby would have been seven months old at that point. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that in such a short period of time, my partner went from being so enthusiastic about having a child to not wanting any children at all.

Was it the trauma of the loss that affected us in different ways? Or was it something I had done? As a partner and a potential husband, had I failed to be the best version of myself for them? These were the questions that plagued me as I tried to come to terms with our new reality.

It all started when I had a sudden realization, like a bolt of lightning striking my brain. I became fixated on every single criticism, argument, and difficulty that had ever arisen in my relationship. I wanted to identify any potential toxic traits and do everything in my power to combat them, to change my sense of self, and embark on a journey of self-improvement.

But why? Why did I feel the need to go down this path? My ex had made it abundantly clear that they were not interested in working on our issues, that therapy was not an option, and that there was no way forward. And yet, I couldn't shake this feeling of needing to better myself, to be the best version of myself possible. Was it to make up for past mistakes and be the father I never got to be? Was it for a future partner? Or was it just for myself?

These were difficult and perplexing questions that I found myself grappling with. It was like a hamster wheel in my brain that I couldn't escape from. Every criticism, every argument, every difficult moment in our relationship seemed to swirl around in my head, demanding my attention and focus.

As I delved deeper into this journey of self-improvement, I couldn't help but wonder if I was just fooling myself. Was this obsession with bettering myself just a misguided attempt to correct the mistakes of the past? Or was it something more, something that would truly benefit me in the long run?

These were the questions that haunted me, that kept me up at night. And yet, despite the uncertainty and the fear, I knew that I had to keep going. I had to keep pushing myself to be the best version of myself, to overcome my past mistakes and strive for a better future.

It wasn't going to be easy, that much I knew. But I was ready for the challenge. I was ready to face my demons head-on and emerge stronger and better than ever before.

It's like trying to untangle a knot of microphone cables - a frustrating, overwhelming mess that seems to grow with each passing moment. That's how I feel about my life right now. But amidst the chaos, I've found a glimmer of hope in the act of accountability.

It's not easy to admit when you're wrong. It's even harder to face the consequences of those wrongs. But I've come to realize that there's something liberating about owning up to my mistakes, flaws, and faults. It's like shedding a layer of heavy, suffocating guilt that's been weighing me down for years.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a quick fix. It's not like I can just say "I'm sorry" and expect everything to magically fall into place. But there's something empowering about taking responsibility for my actions and being proactive in finding a way forward.

Right now, my life feels like a jigsaw puzzle with too many missing pieces. I've lost friends, band mates, a relationship, and even a child. Each loss feels like a gaping hole in my heart, a reminder of all the things that could have been.

But amidst the pain, there's a glimmer of hope. By facing my faults and taking accountability, I'm slowly finding a path forward. It's not always clear, and it's definitely not easy, but it's a step in the right direction.

So here I am, trying to make sense of this messy, confusing world. I can't bring back the people I've lost, or undo the mistakes I've made. But I can hold onto their memories, process my grief, make new friends, and continue to work on myself. It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start. And sometimes, that's all we can hope for.

[tounacasserole]

random & kind of stupid half asleep, half assed appreciation post cause i wanna spread the love and for some reason sad thoughts in my head but let's ignore that (ft. my sleep deprivation sap, mutuals, ppl iloook up to, shitty puns and wordplay)

<3

@moonxma ur the moon :o you give me like calm and peaceful moon vibes like a blue moon!! ty for being one of the first who kind of kickstarted my whole commitment to being here and writing content :D

@raysano ray? more like ray of sunshine shdhefj bad pun but i love indirectly interacting with you through games and hope we get to know each other and interact more mwah /p

@appreciatingtokrev appreciatingtokrev? appreciating YOU you beautiful human being :)) i like seeing your little thoughts and whatnot around your blog bc i find them interesting to me in a good way

@mochi-coffee absolute sweetheart ∑(ﾟДﾟ) sweeter than ice cream mochi need i say more? no but seeing you wherever makes my day better for some reason because you give that positive n uplifting vibe. me 🤝 you waka skmps

@kallikrein me 🤝 you 🤝 mochi waka simps jdkfjskf ty for being one of the first to interact and leave messages in the tags of my silly little waka headcanons :]] and ty for being my majn source of waka brainrot too (￣∀￣) we krei-n (pronounced crying) over wakasa. i think that was fhe shittiest pun ive ever made in my entire life i apologize dearly

@simpywhore seeing your incorrect quotes make me snort in laughter a lot whenever i see them >:D we haven't interacted but i'm sure you're simp(l)y sweet ksjjfkfkskf

@offtaskotaku go follow them rn this is a threat /hj seriously so so underrated pls check out their work and send them requests i'm sure they work hard and they're bery nice :) great sense of humour 2 i like seeing u on my dash. makes me go off task for a bit to scroll through your blog and reread your hcs!!

@kakuchew also a contributor to my waka brainrot jshffkf your headcanons about the black dragons boys are so awesome and i love their shenanigans which makes it easier to envision them in my head!! less chewing on my thoughts and more space to appreciate them and you too :3

@sukunasbabymama your blog title is kk's safeplace and it sure as hell lives up to the name!! i get a homely vibe from you n i like seeing you pop up on my dash :D like my mama's homemade food! you've made me appreciate kakucho and mucho with your contrnt :))

@wwintersun holy crap i look up to you a whole ton!! your works are simply put masterpieces. when i read them it makes me feel fuzzy and warm it's like when the sun melts the winter away ;D i have a lot of your stuff saved in my drafts to reread on a bad day

@bajipaws your tokrev x male reader stuff has at least pawmped 5 more years into my lifespan (i'll take my leVe now). ur doing king shit and i can't wait to see more stuff from you!!!

@kageyahoe your latest work with baji made me Feel all the emotions /pos :] in fact all of your works do and made me love baji even more than i did before >:O i don't have a bad pun for you but honestly considering my punmanship you're lucky jdkfjskf

@shinscig i've interacted with you a grand total of one (1) time but you're so sweet :( i think your chifuyu drabble of painting flowers was one of the first fics i read here which: OOMPF /pos. that's it i can't describe it anymore better than that cause it's almost 3am. your braid train fic with mizo mid is also a big favourite :)! underrated they are

@softbajis You Have Made Me Feel Things but i swear most of it's good and soft besides the angst because it hurts so good hakfjwjfj i like seeing your little blurbs pop up from time to time!!

@tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang I LOVE SEEING YOUR POSTS ABOUT THE MANGA THAT ARE ESPECIALLY SO FUNNY??? they're always a riot and the absolute best. i snorted so hard reading your recent one of the wake me up scene SHEIWKJFWKFJDJ

@koffeekoko your angst. hurts so good. mr sunshine, flowers, and you hurts the best. i am writhing on the floor as i type this (/notsrs) idk if this is weird but seeing your tag "jel loves you!" makes me smile internally :)) your works about insecurities they love also make me really really happy :']

@n0vad your headcanons are so comforting to read,,, they also inspired me to post some of my own too in a similar format (hope you don't mind sjfhe)! i also love that you post for more characters that don't have a ton of content!!

@sunhee-sun your writing is like warm sun after cold rain (i'm a great poet) it's inviting and a guilty pleasure to reread all of your tokrev stuff. bows down to you.

@kakubun my main source of love for bonten. helping hands is one of my favourites and inspired me to make a character based off of that :D your headcanons are also so funny to read and have become a great source of inspo!!

@xuxitheii another whose tokrev x male reader has fed more life into me (°▽°)b i've probably went through your blog at least thrice now reading your works especially since you're one of the first i followed! good shjt right there... your confessing to mitsuya one is my fabourite

thats all i can roll out i think because i dint want to flood everyone's inboxes since your mutuals are doing this too skfjekfjjs ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ happy new year from this touma fish! 🐟 passes out

[ticketstomydaydreams]

HOME

(All We Have: Part One)

Part Two

Colson x Female Reader

Summary: You and Colson are close friends and he invites you to move in to his house while you work on his record together

Word count: 1,580

Feels: Friendship Fluff for now

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, cursing, mentions of feeling depressed

Companion playlist:

Machine Gun Kelly - Home

Sia - Dressed in Black 

The Beatles - With a Little Help from My Friends

A/N: Throughout the series there will be changes to the timing of real life events like the pandemic, the release of certain songs etc. There's certain things I want to incorporate into the series, like particular events in MGKs life and lyrics from songs, so some stuff will get moved around to fit in to the story ✌️

______

It had been a long evening working in Colson’s home studio, The Boulevard, with him and the gang on the upcoming Tickets to my Downfall album. To say your schedule was busy was an understatement, but Colson had insisted you get involved with the new material after the success of your work together on Hotel Diablo.

Composing music was your main gig, you had an ear for melody and your passion for writing meant you always had lyrics swirling around your head. You had a penchant for dark and melancholy lyrics, finding music to be a source of therapy for you. It was something you and Colson had instantly bonded over. He'd bugged you to list some of the stuff you'd written that he'd know and you had gained his professional respect immediately.

He always kept a close eye on your work, ever the supportive friend and had laid claim to your piece ‘Glass House’ as soon as he'd heard it.

______

2019

You were sitting crossed legged on the sofa in your lounge, gently strumming your guitar and gazing off into space and mumbling to yourself, as you worked out some lyrics in your head. Colson was lying on the floor by your feet, scrolling through his phone with earphones in, a blunt in his hand that he occasionally passed up to you. This was a common set up, you found it easier to write in the peace and quiet and Colson has gradually started hanging out at your place more when he needed to focus on his own writing.

"All alone in the glass house, lie awake til the sun's out, pink sky when you come down…"

"Throw me in the damn flames, Bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames…"

You'd started singing out loud, occasionally stopping to scribble down lyrics and make adjustments, not noticing that Colson had removed his earbuds to listen to you

" Dude, that's hard, like, beautiful… " His comment made you jump slightly, you hadn't seen him propping himself up on his elbows, watching you intently "Sing that last bit again"

You blushed slightly, his opinion was always important to you, and started singing. He muttered to himself as you did, then pointed at you "Again!"

Letting out a little laugh and rolling your eyes, you sang again

"Throw me in the damn flames, bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames"

Colson's voice met yours at the end of the line, rapping softly "I'm waiting on the rain to come and wash it all away"

You locked eyes, smiling and he sat upright. "Dude, Im'a need that hook! That spoke to me right there, I've think got something for it that I've been stuck on"

He looked so excited, your heart did a little flip. You'd seen that writing this album had taken it out of him, he'd been digging deep and really going through it emotionally. You could tell it was going to be raw and special from what you'd heard already.

He sat forward and moved the guitar from your lap so he could lean his arms on your knees and looked up at you shooting you puppy dog eyes with those baby blues "Pretty please Y/N"

You laughed and ruffled his hair, "Anything for you Col" Honestly, it'd be an honour to be part of such a personal project, you thought

He wrapped his arms round you and squeezed,

"You're a legend, kid. Get a sample recorded and send it to me!" He grabbed your guitar off the sofa and whipped back around, strumming a few chords as he carried on talking with his back to you, leaning against the sofa "This is gonna be fire, you always just hit the nail on the head, I swear it's like you're in my head sometimes"

You smiled, seeing the wave of motivation that had struck your friend. You felt so lucky to have a friend who was not only so inspiring, but one who 'got it', who understood that music was a form of release. Someone who recognised that it was important to feel these things, rather than encourage you to push dark thoughts away with toxic positivity.

He’d pushed to use your original samples on his record, but as much as you loved writing and singing, you were a behind the scenes kind of gal which had always suited you just fine. Naomi, a mutual friend of you both, came onboard to record them with him. A decision that turned out to be golden… 'Death in my Pocket' would be born not long after, with Naomi doing your lyrics such beautiful justice yet again, perfectly pairing with Colson's emotional rapping.

______

From then on Colson had kept you close to his recording. You'd been helping here and there with composition and notation, but your production skills were what was taking centre stage during the most recent sessions. You had a long list of projects you were working through, leaving you chained to your equipment most days and nights anyway so throwing more music into your workload didn't seem like much of a big deal. In all honesty, the chaos of Colson’s studio and the revolving door of personalities that were in and out constantly, made it one of the most fun places to be. You loved what you did for a living and it never really felt like work Even though the guys were a real handful at times, you kind of enjoyed being the studio 'Mami' as they often affectionately referred to you

Everything had wrapped up for the evening and the guys had migrated back into the house. You could hear from the raucous that the drinks must have started flowing freely. You were saving your work and packing up your stuff when Colson bursts back into the studio and throws himself in a chair, spinning it around with his arms in the air.

"You staying for drinks Y/N?" he grins at you, clearly hyper and in party mode

You let out a big sigh "Urgh, I'd love to but I have an early start tomorrow. I finally managed to get an apartment viewing. I swear I've looked at a hundred places now, they get snapped up so quickly.. I've only got a few weeks left on my lease as well"

“Ah, that sucks kid” Colson empathises, spinning his chair again before an idea strikes him “Wait! Why don’t you move in here for a bit until you find a place? The guest room is pretty much your room anyway, the amount you crash here”

You laugh “This is true, that mattress is so much better than mine! Aw Col, that would honestly be so helpful, the stress of finding a place when I’m this busy is killing me. I don't know… You sure the guys won’t mind?”

Colson scoffs “Why would they mind? You practically live here anyway” he teases “I’m sure they’ll be just as stoked as I am at the thought of you joining the madhouse for a while”

Before you have a chance to respond, he stands up and throws his arms around you, squashing you into him tightly “That’s it decided Roomie. Another song in the bag and a new housemate, plenty to celebrate tonight!”

Wriggling out of his tight grasp, you laugh and in a deep voice shout “let’s goooooo” mocking his signature catchphrase. He flips you his middle finger and says “Kitchen, now”

Once you’re in the kitchen, Colson heads to get you a drink and grabs one himself. Appearing back at your side, he passes you your beer and then shouts out to the rest of the group,

“YO, meet our latest housemate, Y/N is moving in. LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO”

Everyone in the kitchen lets out a big cheer, clearly pleased as he said they would be. Colson bends down and picks you up, swinging you around in a circle, spilling your drinks all over the both of you as you shout his name in mock annoyance, between giggles.

“I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for” Rook laughs, clinking his drink against your now empty beer bottle once your feet are back on the floor

“It’ll be good to have another pair of hands around here, looking after you lot” Ashleigh chimes in, laughing and slapping Slim away as he pulls her hood up over her head, covering her eyes

It had been 5 years since you'd made the decision to move to LA, barely knowing a soul. You'd worked several jobs, jumped from place to place, worked your ass off to catch your break in the music business, sometimes feeling like the grind would never get you anywhere.

There had been times where you felt like you couldn't carry on, aching from trying to keep pace. The dream had felt like it was turning into a nightmare, as you tried to make ends meet, feeling so lonely in this enormous city.. but eventually you'd made these amazing friends who made you feel so safe and loved.

Now, there were times you had to pinch yourself just to make sure it was all real.

As you shake off some of the beer that's dripping from your hands, you look around the kitchen. Taking in the crazy, loveable bunch before you, your new housemates, you are filled with gratitude. You finally felt like you were exactly where you were supposed to be…

Home.

______

❌❌ Lace up!

[sultryvodka]

𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙜𝙚! 𝙖𝙤𝙩 𝙗𝙤𝙮𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣𝙨 | 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 1

𝙥𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚 - 𝙢𝙖𝙮 4𝙩𝙝

warnings: mild swearing, mildly suggestive (if you squint lol)

| armin - colt - eren - jean - porco |

armin arlert

• i think most, if not all of us, agree that armin looks like the type to get all flustered with PDA & shy away from his emotions --- HOWEVER.

• rather than being all over you, he finds himself most comfortable with holding your hand or having an arm wrapped around your shoulders.

• he wouldn't mind you being clingy though 👀

• would occasionally place a gentle peck on your forehead, cheeks & his personal favorite; the palm of your hands.

• you guys' dates would mostly end up being in a library, café & restaurants with a nice warm atmosphere.

• i bet he would be the kind of guy to take you to the beach whenever you're stressed out in hopes of calming you down.

• gets very defensive when his friends tease you, if a man could bark his friends away, it's armin arlert.

• this lad over here would establish a routine with you (with your consent & opinions ofc)

• mondays to friday mornings are centered on school, you guys do your own thing at school & walk you home while making sure to stop by a convenience store for snacks, assuming that you guys don't live together yet.

• both of you make it a point to check on one another to make sure you guys aren't wearing yourselves out.

• which leads me to the conclusion that your parents grew very fond of him & treats him more like their child

• when you guys are having a sleepover, this whole lowkey facade of his takes a 180 and the second you reach the bedroom he'll shower you with cuddles and kisses.

• you would watch movies (mostly rom-com just bc armin makes it work okay) tucked in a warm futon with popcorn and candies between you two.

• armin strikes me as a very studious guy and he does this to ensure you guys' future together ^-^

• all in all armin cares about you so much and he doesn't mind being vulnerable to you. he is your safe haven, and so are you to him.

colt grice

• okay can we talk about how this perfect man deserves some more attention

• colt, my man, gives me disney's prince florian vibes. the soft-spoken, kind-hearted, & just an absolute dream.

• he's the kind of guy to take you to the park, a greenhouse, & WORKSHOPS!!!

• given the idea that he is in fact a shy little baby, he is actually pretty active with you. every date you guys have is different. mans has a quest planned out for y'all.

• at school i think that you might be the one to initiate skinship. doesn't have to be kisses on the lips, it's more of gently trailing your index on the back of his hand or rubbing a hand on his forearm when he gets a little anxious.

• the type to peek through your classroom's door because bubba's too shy to ask someone to call for you 🤧

• colt, in my opinion, is very domestic in private, now don't get me wrong he may be a little too shy in public because he isn't used to it but i promise you he takes on the nurturing role of the relationship more than you are.

• he helps you with cleaning, folding your clothes, and god if you guys get periods, he's got a whole pouch in his locker just for you.

• he doesn't do it intentionally, he happens to know you so well that he notices the slight change in your moods & cravings.

• colt often reads a book while you guys cuddle during the afternoons once all the work is done, he'd make you tea or whatever you want. he hums a tune, probably from old disney movies that his brother falco used to enjoy as a kid.

• your parents are more invested in your marriage than you and colt combined.

• okay, now if you happen to have a baby or a toddler somewhere around the house, someone keep this man from turning into a putty.

• as much as colt acts prim and proper most of the time, he has his moments where he just wants to be an entire mess. perhaps sleeping past his usual waking time, indulging in more snacks than usual. you know, loosen up? yeah, that is a side of his that only YOU will ever be allowed to see.

• so yes you and colt would be labeled as the: put-together couple who needs a little bit of adventure every now and then.

eren jaeger

• i hope i don't ramble too long because i love him sm

• mr. loverboy over here is a simp for you, more than you are a simp for him! he is not afraid to show you off and shower you with flattery. now he does this because he feels so lucky to have you.

• he can be a little cliché (well maybe not as much as jean --- more on that later), like he'll randomly interrupt your vacant class with a gift box he put together, & a bouquet. yes. (carla helped him pick out flowers from her shop)

• he's the type to crash his lips with yours in the middle of campus when you achieve something or when he does, vice-versa. if he plays in one of your school's teams, there just HAS to be a bet that if he wins he gets a kiss... or more... or something else.

• dates with eren are usually random than planned. like it pops in his head and he'll inform you right away. he respects your vacancy too of course but if you aren't he might pout just a little bit.

• his ideal dates are prop shop dates, going to hotspots, amusement parks, antique shops! & maybe late night drinks at a quiet bar where you can both enjoy the solace of the atmosphere.

• on special occasions, he does plan ahead. usually it's something on the simpler side. candlelit dinners at home or somewhere you guys both enjoy dining.

• if eren's had a bad day, best believe that he will run to you for comfort. only you can help keep his aggressive response to anger at bay.

• if given the chance he would take you around the world, he's that passionate in making sure you live a little

• hear me out... you and eren would probably have the most philosophical conversations, just laying on your backs beneath his room's skylight? heavenly.

• eren can get a little poetic expressing himself & i believe that it's just wonderful. no one can describe their feelings as good as eren.

• his favorite look of yours is when your eyes beam with excitement, it usually happens when you spot something that you used to enjoy as a kid or when you're concentrating on one of your hobbies.

• he's a very touchy person too, his hands are usually on your stomach/waist, his kisses are random & they linger for awhile.

• when you're asleep next to him, it's his habit to solemnly watch you while his own drowsiness starts to take over.

• eren is passionate & sometimes people might take it the wrong way. one of the reasons eren loves you is because of the way you understand how he is. mutual growth for y'all ♡.

jean kirschtein

• jean is not afraid to pull a live performance for you, you see this man is at the top of the world when he's with you. from 80s hits to recent releases this man will blast his playlists catered for you.

• dates with jean are certainly spent on concerts, (him & eren bond over chase atlantic don't argue with me) music festivals, thrifting & late night drives!!!

• personally, i don't see jean as very gimmicky unless you guys are with his friends, he takes you very seriously and you are his top priority.

• at school i think he's definitely one of those flirtatious boyfriends. the kind who would not miss an opportunity to blow you a kiss or throw you a wink. he can be a bit of a dork, who wouldn't be? if he can get one of your rare smiles 🥺

• jean's the type to ask his pals for help when it comes to styling. not because he dresses badly but he's too focused on getting a flush on your cheeks. he's a hopeless romantic.

• if you guys happen to stay at home, he'll definitely serenade you with the amount of songs he had written recently just for you.

• since he bonds with sasha and connie, his jokes are either dad jokes or something that went viral on tiktok. he's the perfect balance of goofy and mature.

• if you aren't much of an active person he wouldn't mind being lazy with you and insist on a diy spa day at home.

• it's just netflix with a tub of ice cream and face masks on.

• since jean is quite the romantic, he would be into couple outfits or items that aren't cringey obv and probably doesn't mind using your perfume or vice-versa.

• jean probably asked you out during one of his gigs, offering you a single rose afterwards.

• he's the type to leave you random post-it notes if he visits your house. just random phrases or doodles. and boy does he pick you up every single day on his smexy motorcycle.

• he'll bring you coffee and breakfast to-go. this man's spoiling you baby.

• aside from that, i feel like jean would make you hand-made gifts with the help of his momma. he thinks it's sentimental when you make your presents because it's one of a kind.

• jean does all these things because he's 100% about you being a constant person in his life. he loves how he can be whoever he wants when he's around you, i'm certain you guys wouldn't have it any other way either.

porco galliard

• porco can be a dick if he wants to not to you though, this tough guy turns into putty just for you. he definitely loves being treated like a baby.

• at first he might come off as cold because he isn't used to the whole romance thing and he gets flustered with the slightest pecks so you might have to initiate at first.

• but once you guys get through the awkward phase this boy would straight up greet you with a passionate kiss and does not give a damn about everybody who witnessed it. he might even have a stupid smirk on his face.

• like eren, i feel like porco would be very passionate and intense. he doesn't say much but he definitely shows you just how much he adores you.

• speaking of friends (: reiner would tease him every second of the day. i bet he would team up with bertholdt to annoy this poor boy. annie and pieck's not much help either.

•whenever you're stressed, porco would run you a bath and give you massages very often. he'll sit on the edge of the tub while he runs his hand through your hair.

•his type of dates would be watching at a cinema or a drive-in, going to the mall just to look around,he's a simple guy.

•if you guys happen to have an argument, porco would distance himself for a few minutes to a few hours just to process the situation and avoid anything his aggression might cause.

•he knew that if he wanted you guys to work he needed to be better.

•he would come back though and hold you in his arms while you guys talk it out.

•i bet he's one of the aot characters who would be an athlete, so most days you'll end up watching him practice.

•overtime, porco would be more open to being intimate in public and post stories of you two just doing things most couples do.

•he's proud that you're his and he's all yours.

•porco is a great guy and he would do anything just to make you smile.

i hope you guys liked these~! let me know who you guys want to be in the second part. requests are open and as always, stay safe! - 🌸☁️

[aaronbleyaert]

I think maybe I need a recent awful/awkward/assy story about how you're so bad with women. I'm starting to think it's just a ruse. I think you're actually a casanova.

That’s me! Mr. Casanova. Here is, no joke, my most recent date I’ve been on. It’s long, but you asked. Ready? 

So.

There’s this girl whom I’ve known for a few years through mutual friends. We’ve never hung out and I haven’t spoken to her in a good three years (and the last time we “spoke” was over Facebook Messenger).

A few months ago, she messages me out of the blue, saying she just saw my short film and liked it. We go back and forth, and since all of Facebook is ruined for me because I get so many messages on there every day, I eventually just give her my email address. 

We email back and forth for a while, and I’m like, “Look, this is dumb, but if you’re ever in LA, text me and we can grab coffee”. It’s what we call in the business “a sad and pathetic attempt at sort of asking a girl out”. Unbelievably (and I read the text three or four times in a row because I literally cannot believe it) she texts me the next day and says she’s coming to LA the following Tuesday and that I should have dinner with her. 

I break out in a preemptive nervous sweat.

Now, first off, this girl is way out of my league. I mean, WAY out of my league - she’s funny, smart, super weird, and gorgeous. It’s ridiculous. Also, I mention I own a Brontosaurus egg (aka “Sexual Kryptonite”) and she actually gasps and says that she wants to see it. Is this my perfect woman?

Also, no one ever comes after me or makes a move on me or hits on me, ever, so I’m a bit taken aback (and if I’m being honest might have had a fleeting thought or two that maybe this was some sort of trap and she was going to murder me) but I’m weird and paranoid not stupid so I say yes to dinner.

The day she’s supposed to come to LA for dinner rolls around, and I end up having to do a last minute shoot at work so I have to cancel the morning of. It’s shitty and I know it. She’s bummed, but she’s like “why don’t you just meet me after your shoot and we can still have drinks” but I don’t know how late it’s going to go and she’s way out of my league anyway and probably doesn’t actually want to have drinks or see the Brontosaurus egg but is just being nice because she’s a good person on top of everything else so I apologize profusely and decline. She’s cool about it. Too cool. SHE’S TOO COOL. Anyway, she makes me promise that I’ll come down to San Diego to see her. Laughing, 100% not believing that she’s serious and still wants to see me, I say “Sure. Sounds good”.

But she was serious. She wants me to come down and see her. 

So we pick a day that works. It’s a Saturday. I’m pretty nervous because this woman is literally out of my dreams but goddamn it man we have to at least TRY to not die alone right so I buy a ticket. 

The night before I’m supposed to go, my friend Sona has a holiday party at her apartment. It’s really fun, but I have a very early train to take the next morning to go and visit my probable soulmate so I’m keeping the drinking light. But then two very bad things happen:

1.) Sona makes her infamous Death Punch.

2.) My ex-girlfriend shows up to the party.

It’s a small party. My ex is The Worst. I start drinking heavily. 

My ex and I start talking. More death punch. I am really, really, REALLY trying to not be an asshole, but fuck man, I’m only human and I end up saying a lot of bad shit to her face. I drink even more death punch, get in a parting shot at my ex (I’m pretty sure it was something about her looking like Tom Petty) and Uber home.

I wake up the next morning to my cellphone ringing. It’s my soulmate.

“Hey! What time is your train getting in?”

I look around at my bedroom. All the lights are on. I’m fully clothed. My shoes are on. 

Shit.

I tell her that I got too drunk the night before, and that I’m not coming. She’s like “are you serious?” And I try to make a joke but internally I am screaming at myself WHY. AM. I. SUCH. A. FUCK. UP.

Feeling worse than I possibly have ever felt IN MY LIFE, I promise this girl that I will come down and see her soon. Then I text my ex and apologize for the things I said. To her credit, she’s gracious about it. I want to light myself on fire.

A week passes, and my soulmate and I text back and forth. She’s still talking to me for some reason and we figure out another time for me to come down to San Diego to see her. We pick a Saturday. I buy my ticket. This time, to make sure I don’t miss my train, instead of going out I stay home and spend the night imagining my ex doing bong hits onstage while singing “Free Falling”. It only sort of cheers me up.

The next day, I finally get my dumb ass on the train.

If you’ve never taken the train from Los Angeles to San Diego, I cannot recommend it enough. It’s called the Pacific Surfliner and for two and a half hours, it runs right along the most gorgeous coastline and bluest goddamn ocean you’ll ever lay your eyes on. I’ve only got about a half hour left when the thought hits me: “Wait, what the fuck am I doing?”

I barely know this girl. She’s way out of my league. I’m a sad old man with a sack of old jokes and two sleeves full of rubbery muscles. How could this girl possibly want to talk to me? What if she really was just being nice? Maybe I’ve read this all wrong and she just wants work advice. Yeah. That’s probably it. I mean, what else would we even talk about? What are we going to DO?! Shit! I haven’t planned a fucking thing! Should I make a dinner reservation?! Fuck! Should I have spent these last two hours researching cool shops and museums?! What if I miss my train back?! What then?! WHY DIDN’T WE PLAN AHEAD!? GODDAMN IT, BLEYAERT! and on and on and on ad nauseum.

I get so nervous that I eat all four protein bars that I brought in case of an emergency which I guess works out because this is absolutely an emergency but then my breath smells like a protein bar trash fire so I put like nine pieces of gum in my mouth and start chewing furiously. 

Then, of course, I’m there.

I get off the train, and immediately it’s hot. I peel off my sweaty jacket, and text her. She picks me up in her nice car. It’s an Audi. I drive a dusty Jeep Wrangler. Fuck.

I get in, and she smiles. “Hey! I’m so glad you made it! Welcome to San Diego!!” She goes in for a hug, and I kind of go to hug her back but I’ve already put on my seatbelt because you know like safety first and so I kind of motion to hug her but I don’t quite get there and it’s awkward. We start driving and she puts down the windows and her hair in the breeze looks like a shampoo commercial and she’s laughing and I’m laughing and we’re both laughing and I look outside at the passing trees and wonder to myself how fast we need to get up to before I can be certain that throwing myself out of the car would mean instant death.

She asks me some questions, but I’ve got all this fucking gum in my mouth and there’s like, SO MUCH saliva going on, so I take it out of my mouth and go to quickly throw it out the window before she can see but I can’t find the window thing and she looks over and goes “whoops! I’ve got it” and then I throw it out the window praying it doesn’t fly into the backseat and I gulp down all the saliva and it’s quiet in the car for a few seconds and then she’s like “wow that was a lot of gum” and I mumble something about all the protein bars I ate and reach for the radio.

She takes me to her favorite taco place, and I get some real food in me and I manage to start acting like a human being. She’s great. I mean, really really great. It’s like the whole non-hug lots of gum/saliva thing never even happened. She’s super ambitious, just like me, so the convo is effortless. We finish up, and before I can even confess that I have nothing planned, she offers up a bunch of things to do! I choose a winery, because I’ve never been. She smiles. “Ooooh. I’m going to get you soooo drunk.” I smile back. “Challenge accepted.”

The next 5 hours are amazing. We’re drinking and talking and laughing and sitting outside looking out over these incredible rolling hills as the sun sets. We talk about everything - even getting into some dark emotional shit. I am completely enthralled. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time. It’s incredible. Suddenly, her face turns serious. She looks at me in the fading light, her soft eyes studying mine. “Can I show you something?”

We drive for a little bit. I ask her what kind of music she wants to hear, and she plays me her favorite new song. It’s some bad ass trap music. Could this girl be any cooler? We turn up this winding road that ends at a small park at the top of this mountain with a big white cross on it. It’s fully dark now, and all of San Diego is lit up before us, stretching out down below as far as the eye can see. It’s beautiful.

It’s windy and a little cold, so she takes my arm and  pulls me close, nestling her head in the hollow between my neck and shoulder. Her hair smells amazing. She points out all the landmarks among the lights down below. 

“There’s the ocean. Annnd there’s where I live. And those lights way over there are Mexico.”

It feels like we’re in a movie. We’re quiet, just enjoying the moment. My heart is beating a thousand times a minute. It’s time to make a move.

“So… Is this like, the ‘lover’s lane’ of San Diego?” I ask.

“Yes.” She says.

“This is where you bring guys to make out?” I ask, smiling.

“Yes.” She looks up at me, smiling. The lights of San Diego twinkle in her eyes.

“We’re lucky it’s dark, then. Darkness favors my looks.” She laughs. 

We stare out at the twinkling lights below. 

I do nothing.

After a few minutes, I say “Man, it’s kind of cold up here. Are you cold?” She shakes her head no. The wind whips around us, delighted at my cowardice. She puts her head back on my shoulder and holds me tighter.

We go back to the car anyway.

Later, driving back down the hill, I ask her what kind of music she wants to hear. She says to put on whatever I want. 

I make my train with plenty of time to spare.