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ellana-ravenwood · 7 years

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In which the Batboys fight to know which Hogwart’s house is the best - Batmom x Batfam

Well...I mean, why not right ? I might as well have drifted away from the original request but..It happens you know ^^'. Oh and before I get too many comments about it : I sorted the boys in houses I thought would fit them, it’s only my opinion and of course I can be wrong but...It’s just a story ^^' (I’m saying that because I know some of us potterheads can get very passionate about in which house which hero is and like...I’m not writing this to raise any debate, just writing this because someone requested it and liked the idea). Hope you’ll like it :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

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It was breakfast time and you were all sitting around the kitchen counter, still groggy with sleep, eating the breakfast Alfred made you like robots.

Mornings weren’t really the best sociable and lively time in your household...

Like every morning, you were snuggled close to your husband, your legs across his own, his free hand, the one he wasn’t using to eat, absentmindedly caressing your thighs. By now, all of your sons had came to ignore your lovey dovey gestures and just eat their breakfast as if you weren’t there.

But from time to time, for good measure, they would shiver in disgust, or just whisper a small “ew”, and avoid their father’s glare. Like right now, as Bruce bends to kiss your forehead gently, and you smile stupidly, lift your head and give him a kiss on his lips...”Eew”, they all say.

You smile some more as your husband squint at them and...Wait, all ? No, one was missing.

Damian didn’t say anything, while usually, he was the most vocal one.

As you were bringing your coffee to your lips, you could see, from the corner of your eyes, your youngest son, apparently lost in his thoughts.

Oh he looked so much like Bruce right now, focus on something unknown.

You turned your head completely to him, observing how his brow was furrowed, his eyes looking somewhere in front of him, not moving, his hands linked under his chin, his breakfast left untouched in front of him...

He feels your gaze and looks at you.

You smile fondly at him, and he smiles back. You don’t need to talk for him to understand you’re wondering what he’s up to, as he can read the curiosity in your eyes, and the way you bend your head slightly on the side physically signifying said curiosity.

-I was thinking about Harry Potter.

He says simply, and you can’t help but smile even wider.

Oh Harry Potter. You had been a huge fan of it ever since the first book was released. You could remember it as if it was yesterday, how you initially bought the book for Dick, who was about to turn 9, and ended up reading the all thing before him...From that moment, you were hooked, and your passion for it was so vibrant that it made your sons fall in love with it too !

It always made Bruce’s heart melt, whenever he caught you and your boys watching the films, or having a silent reading party.

So of course, when you had learned that Damian never even heard of Harry Potter before...you had to do something about it ! At first, he wasn’t really up for it, until he read the first book and the rest was history.

After he read all the books, you guys marathoned (for the 32482932 times) all the Harry Potter movie in one day and one night (Bruce fell asleep on you half way through “The Chamber of Secrets”).

This was only a few days ago, as you were all very busy and it took time to gather the entire family to watch those films...You can’t help but chuckle a bit as the words “Harry Potter” coming out of Damian’s mouth make your other sons turn their attention to him. Your husband rolls his eyes. Oh man, here we go again.

-Oh ? And what were you thinking about ?

-Houses.

-...Houses ?

-Yes. Hogwarts’ houses. I was wondering, if we were wizards, in which house would we be ?

Tim, after a loud slurp of his coffee, says :

-We wouldn’t be in Hogwarts if we were wizards. We’re americans, so we’d be at Ilvermorny.

Damian makes his trademark “tt” sound and, annoyed, turns to his brother saying :

-You perfectly know what I’m talking about ! But alright, what if we were wizards AND British ?

Tim smiles smugly at him, always happy to mess around with his little brother (after all, he stayed the youngest Wayne boy for a long time, and Dick and Jason teased him enough that he felt he earned this). After glaring some more at Tim, Damian turns back to you and, his eyes full of a new spark of curiosity, he asks you again :

-So ? What if we were wizards - and British yes Drake I know !- ? What Hogwarts house would we be in ?

You can feel their gaze on you and...Oh. Oh ! OOooOOoooooOOoh. They're expecting you to tell them ? Oh dear.

************

And this is when it all starts.

They’re all aligned in front of you, sitting on the huge living room couch, waiting for you to sort them into a house. They even forced your husband and poor Alfred to join (even though they secretly love it, because they kinda want to know as well in which Hogwarts’ house they would be !).

To your sons, it made sense that you’d be the one to sort them all, because you’re the one that knows the most about the Potter World, and about them ! And also, because whenever they tried to do the “official potter more” test, it ended up in them fighting because they kept disagreeing on what they “should” answer and such...So their only option to be sure was...you.

You sigh and shake your head, as they keep on staring at you, patiently waiting. Alright. You could do this. Your voice captivates them instantly :

-Well, I’m going to start with the most obvious one...Tim, you’re definitely Ravenclaw. There’s no doubt about this. Not a single one.

Tim stands up, and very solemnly goes to one of the Ravenclaw robe Alfred bought that afternoon (yes, they made Alfred go in town to buy six robes of each houses in the Potter store in Downtown Gotham, and the matching sweaters and tie of course...this was all very serious business ! You felt so bad about this that you went with him and...might have bought a few other goodies just for good measure). With a satisfied smile (he always knew he was a Ravenclaw), he goes back to sit. You continue :

-Now, all of you are a bit tough, as you could all fit in more than one house but...I think I got it figured out. Dick, I hesitated between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff but I think...Yes, you’re a Hufflepuff.

Ignoring his brothers snickering at the fact that he’s in the “useless” house, Dick stands to go grab his robe and dramatically turns around to say :

-May I remind you all that Cedric Diggory was a Hufflepuff, as well as...Tonks ! Who’s one of the coolest character so shush. Also, J.K Rowling said she wished she was a Hufflepuff, and we’re the only house, in the books, where ALL OF THE STUDENTS decided to stay for the final battle so...zip it. Hufflepuff is awesome.

Before any of your boys could say anything and argue with Dick’s point, you raise your hand in a very McGonagall kind of way to shut them up, and you keep going :

-Jason, I also hesitated but I’m pretty sure you’re a Gryffindor.

Your son stands and goes to take his robe. He doesn’t say anything, but only because you know he’s about to be all smug and talk about how Gryffindor is the best house (after all they got Dumbledore, Harry, Sirius etc etc...), therefor starting a “war of the houses” kind of thing, and you don’t let him say anything as you keep going, pushing him toward the couch so he goes back and sit down in silent. He grumbles a bit, but does it nonetheless :

-Damian, I think I’m safe by assuming you’re Slytherin. I’m just going to add that, by the way, every wizard that were in that house weren’t bad people. On the contrary, it’s only a handful who gave them the bad reputation. Slytherins are cunning, ambitious, and would do anything for their friends...Like you my boy. Also, Merlin was a Slytherin.

Damian, who at first was a bit taken aback that you’d think he was a Slytherin (...he wasn’t a bad boy was he ? He tried so hard not to be) stood up after your little speech and, excited, when to get his robe, yelling a “cool !” before going back to sit. Dick, as a good ol’ Hufflepuff, ruffles his hair lovingly and winks at him (of course you’re not a bad kid...though the Slytherin thing definitely fits your little pretentious you haha !). Alfred smiles and...it brings you to your next person to sort out :

-Now Alfred, I also hesitated. Because it’s clear you have all the quality to be in both Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. However...I believe you’re also a Hufflepuff.

Dick stood up and went to grab a robe for the butler, a wide grin on his face. At least he wasn’t alone, and though Alfred acted like he didn’t care, he actually loved Harry Potter too and would defend his house to the death (or maybe not, but like...he would defend it using all his British sarcasm). You smile as Dick and Alfred proudly put on their Hufflepuff robes, and at Damian pouty face (he wanted Alfred to be with him) and finally turns to your husband :

-You’re the most difficult one to sort my heart. So I thought I’d ask the boys to choose for me, as I just can’t decide if you’re a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw !

-SLYTHERIN !

-RAVENCLAW !

Tim and Damian both yelled at the same time, clearly determined to have their father in their house, and you wince in advance at the fight that is about to happen. Damian starts :

-Obviously he’s a Slytherin, after all I must take after someone you know ! Also the cunning and ambitious part ? The will to do things ? I’m sorry he’s Batman, he got an incredible will to do all the things he does so like, hellow, Slytherin!

-Uh uh ! Ravenclaws too have will, will to learn and to get better, and excuse me but we call him “the greatest detective” which just reeks Ravenclaw all over it !! And...

You know it’s going to be an endless fight. After all, there was a reason why you just couldn’t choose wether your husband was a Raven or a Snake. He had qualities to be both. Hell he could even be a Gryffindor ! But mainly, Ravenclaw and Slytherin were tight, and you were hoping your sons could help but...well, it was just a bad idea.

Of course Damian and Tim would fight about this. Endless fight...Or so you thought.

Your husband calm voice raises slowly and instantly your sons stop talking :

-I mean, to be honest, I don’t know either in which house I would be. When I tried the Pottermore test, the website crashed. I tried four times, crashed every time. So maybe it’s a sign that...I should be both Ravenclaw and Slytherin ? If even the sorting hat - he pointed at you and you couldn’t help but laugh a little - doesn’t know, then who can ? Maybe I’m just a...Ravenrin...A Slytherclaw. Here we go. Maybe I’m a Slytherclaw. Because I’m special.

This makes your entire family laugh and...To be honest that’s actually not a bad idea. None of them could honestly say that they knew in which house he would fit better, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. Even Damian and Tim had to admit they didn’t know so...Slytherclaw it was. After all, and though none of you would ever admit it, he was quite special. Special enough to have his own house.

Well. Here it was. Everyone was sorted and it went pretty smoothly without much fights. You were about to say that the ceremony was over when Jason asks :

-What about you mom ? What’s your house ?

You turn to him and, with a knowing smile you say :

-Well I’m a (your Hogwarts house), obviously.

Now that they were thinking of it, this choice of house was indeed obvious for you...

************

They think you didn’t notice, but you did.

They think they’re being so damn sneaky, but they’re not.

And so this is why today, you called them all in the living room, a severe expression on your face.

-I know what’s happening. I know what you’re doing. Now, I’m not going to pretend I don’t like it, because if I’m being honest, I absolutely love the idea but Hell if I don’t stop you all right now, before you actually hurt each others, and set some ground rules !

Your sons look at each others for a little bit, sitting on the living room couch, and they don’t even wonder how the hell you came to know what was happening...After all, you were their mother, you noticed everything.

Their father and Alfred were there too, standing next to her, an amused expression on their faces. You continue :

-So first, this...Alfred could you show them please ? Thank you. This, is the official cups where we’ll gather the points ! Bruce honey, could you please ?

Alfred uncovers something that was hidden under a drape on the coffee table...Tubes. Four of them. One with a raven, one with a lion, one with a snake and one with a badger. They could tell you painted them yourself and they were quite impressed really...The tubes almost looked like what J.K Rowling described in her books, talking about how everyone knew how many points each house had.

Your husband set, right next to the tubes, a few glass filled with different colored marbles (red, blue, green and yellow), and your son suddenly understand. Their suspicion is confirmed when you say :

-I know you guys have been fighting about which house is the best, as you’re each from one...Who beat the most bad guys, who has the best grades, blahblahblah. Now, I’m making it official, and here are the rules : as you guys know, some of my favorite HP characters are the Weasley twins, R.I.P Fred.

You give a minute of silent for the fallen twin before you keep going :

-Here’s the thing, when you guys define how good your house is by who gets to beat the most asses, you put yourself in danger, because you actually want to beat more asses than your brothers, and then you stop thinking, and you could get hurt, and I can’t have that...So, to make this little “war of the house” official, and I’m just going to throw this out there that I never wanted this to go this far but of course with four competitive kids it would, I’m changing the rules. It’s not who’s the best fighter or anything anymore...Which brings me back to the Weasly twins, R.I.P Fred.

You take another silent minute, and Alfred and Bruce find it more and more difficult to not burst out laughing at your antics. You make everything sounds so dramatic and serious, and your sons are so into it ! You wink at your husband and surrogate father, smiling widely at them, before you finally get to your point :

-In honor of Fred, here’s the rule of our very own house cup : you can win points by...pranking your brothers ! As long as no serious harm is made to any of you. Also, no mocking or public shaming. Pranks are to happen only within the walls of our very own Hogwarts, Wayne Manor. Each time one of you have been successfully prank, the one who pranked them will come to me and I will decide how much points, or marbles here, they won. The first tube to be filled is the winner of the house cup.

Dick asks :

-How will you decide how many poi...marbles to give for each prank ?

-Completely arbitrary my dear. It depends how much I like the prank really.

A small silence falls on the living room, and you can almost feel the excitement radiating from your sons. Yup, this is definitely going to be fun.

As you make sure once more that they understood the rules (especially the one about not hurting each others, ONLY SMALL HARMLESS YET FUNNY PRANKS), you let them go on and about to start their little war, and turn to your Husband and Alfred. The butler, rolling his eyes, says in an irritated voice (although the spark of amusement in his eyes tells another story) :

-You’ll be the one cleaning the mess, Lady (Y/N).

-Oh no, they will.

Alfred can’t help but smiles, and leave to continue with his duties. Bruce catches you in his arms and brings you close, brushing his lips against yours he says :

-You’re absolutely fantastic.

You wink at him, and it drives him wild...

************

The first prank was from Dick and you had to admit, that kid was inventive.

Early in the morning, a few hours after everyone came back home from the night patrol, you heard a screeching scream coming from the end of the corridor. Bruce and you stood up on the instant, ready to fight whatever was attacking your son (you recognized Damian’s voice), and ran to the noise...only to be faced with a Damian, sitting on the floor, his hand on his heart, and looking utterly pissed.

-I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK GRAYSON !!

Dick was laughing, and you were confused...all you could see was a balloon filled with Helium flying on the bathroom’s ceiling. It’s only when your boy explained what happened that you started to laugh too.

Dick had hid a balloon filled with helium under the toilet’s lid, hoping one of his brothers would come to pee during the night (or early morning), and would be scared by the balloon suddenly popping out of there...and it was a total success. You gave him three marbles for that one, and an extra one because he drew a terrifying smiley face on the balloon.

************

The little pranks that drove them crazy were your favorite.

You gave two marbles to Ravenclaw (Tim) when he rearranged every drawers in Jason’s room. He changed all of them, and for days, Jason kept getting mad that nothing was where it should be, until he finally understood the subterfuge...

You gave one marble to Slytherin (Damian) when he duck taped harmonicas to Dick’s motorcycle’s exhaust pipe. Dick drove around wondering what the hell was that sound for a while...

You gave four marbles to Gryffindor (Jason) when he put Orajel in the bristles of his brothers’ toothbrushes. They didn’t notice anything until their mouth was completely numbed, and weren’t able to talk properly for hours, which made you, Bruce, Alfred and Jason laugh like crazy.

You gave two marbles to Slytherin when Damian replaced every single names in Tim’s phone contact with “John Cena”, and changed his ringtone to the famous meme song.

This gave an idea to Dick that earned him two marbles as well. He told all his brothers that he changed their contact names, that he swapped them around and...didn’t actually do it. Jason, Tim and Damian were suspicious about any texts or calls they received for days, before Dick thought it was time to tell them, and oh god it was glorious.

Slytherin won three marbles when Damian made a sticker that said “voice activated” and put it on the brand new coffee machine. The sign was well made, he even added the logo of the coffee machine on it, it looked very real...You laughed way too much, witnessing everyone (but Alfred and Dams) talking to the coffee machine until they realized it was yet another prank.

Tim got one marble for unscrewing the shower head of his brothers’ bathrooms, putting chicken broth cube in it, screwed the shower head back and...”I just took a shower but I feel all sticky and I smell like chicken broth...”

Damian got two marbles for putting glitters in all of his brothers’ pants. Your sons were sparkly for weeks, as glitter gets everywhere and takes forever to go...such a good prank.

It took a week for Damian, Tim and Jason to realize that Dick had changed every single picture in their bedroom with pictures of himself laughing as if he was a character in a sitcom...This earned him 2 marbles.

You gave two marbles to Tim when he re-laced their shoes from the tongue down, with the aglets at the bottom. Simple, but efficient and hilarious. He also earned four more marbles for the effort, when he put all of his brothers’ stuffs in their build in closets in their bedroom, and screwed the doors shut. Ooooh yes it was funny.

You felt awful, the day Jason pranked Dick at dinner time.

You saw things happening. You saw Jason took the hot sauce and vodka. You saw it all but...you were too curious.

Besides, he was about to prank Dick, who was old enough for alcohol (and hated it).

You kept it cool while you saw Damian distract Dick (oh so he was in on it...Gryffindor and Slytherin teaming up, a first !) and Jason almost emptied the bottle of hot sauce in Dick’s plate.

A few seconds later, and as you couldn’t hold your laughter in anymore, Dick was turning red and screaming for some water...he should have been more careful when he saw Jason giving a glass to him...

-THAT IS VODKA YOU IDIOT !

Dick yelled as he spat the entire thing on the floor, and rushing to the fridge to get some milk and soothe this damn burn.

By then, the prank war was going on for so long that you all started to laugh like crazy once you realized what was happening.

This earned seven marbles for Jason, and two for Damian who helped.

************

All throughout this prank war, this little personalized house cup, you, Bruce and Alfred (who weren’t playing, taking part in the cup for obvious reason, as one of your boys would be disadvantaged because there was only three of you and four of them) took bets as to who would win...Little did you guys know that, none of you were right.

************

As you were about to give each of them two marbles for their pranks of the day, you realized that...but that couldn’t be possible could it ?

And yet...You called all of them to the living room and they ran to you, knowing why you were calling them.

They held their breath as you slowly put the last marbles of the Wayne House Cup into the tubes and...What ? No. No that couldn’t be the end of it, could it ?

-Well, boys, seems like the winner of the house cup is...ALL OF YOU ! PERFECT EQUALITY ! Wow I’m actually impressed. Good job guys. But I guess we’ll never know which house is the best...

There was a short silence, as Alfred and Bruce, who came at the same time than them in the living room, were laughing because of the boys’ faces. Their facial expression was a mix of shock and “wtf”, and the most hilarious thing ever. Finally, finally they reacted, and as one said :

-ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ?!

The fit of laughter that took over you, your husband and Alfred was endless.

Fin.

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...Eh :/. This was so (too) long. Sorry. The pranks weren’t really great either, I’m not good at finding those and uuuuuuuuuuuuh. MEH EH MEH.

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