#thought i'd try shading with black since everyone says you're not supposed to

[shurpart]

ばか

[krakenartificer]

When I got my ADHD diagnosis, I looked at the questions on the screening form and thought, "If this result comes back positive, then I'm definitely not the only person in my family who has it." Questions like

"Have difficulty finishing one activity before starting another one" and

"I finish others' sentences before they can finish it themselves" and

"have trouble staying on one topic when talking"

...I thought were just weird quirks of my family, but no. When I got my results, I contacted my cousin, and she contacted her sisters and mother, and .. .. yeah. Basically everyone in my dad's side of the family is ADHD.

Now there are some problems with that, obviously, (getting family reunions to stick to a schedule is lol no) but there are some really fantastic perks. For one thing, no one in that family minds if I interrupt them while they're talking ... everyone's happy to keep 3 conversations going at the same time .... and no one minds if you fidget constantly.

But the best perk -- at least that I've found so far -- is that all of our parents have coping mechanisms, and passed them on to us. When I found myself unable to handle tasks with more than one step, my father didn't say "WTF are you talking about? It's easy! Just do the thing! Stop being lazy!" No, he could relate completely, and he sat down and taught me how to handle that.

So today, I'm going to pass on to you the coping mechanism my dad taught me for handling the "cannot put tasks in order / cannot get started / forget what I'm doing" problem. You'll need to adjust it for your own needs and your own struggles, but hopefully it'll be helpful in setting up your own process.

I'm going to walk through it with a big project I'm doing at work, just to have a concrete example. That will make some of the discussion specific to computer programming and technical writing, but I do the same thing for all my projects, so hopefully it'll be generalizable.

So to set the stage:

I was supposed to modify this piece of code -- we'll call it "Rosetta" -- to make it handle call data as well as what it was already doing. I did that.... but we now need the code to be able to handle calls (if that's wanted) but also to be able to handle NOT having calls (if THAT'S wanted).

Which is just .... ugh. So much. SOOOOOOOO much.

So. Break it down.

Step one is to get some recording mechanism - pen and paper, whiteboard, blank computer document, whatever

(Technically, this is a different coping strategy, so we'll just take a quick detour: WRITE THINGS DOWN. Your brain is shit at remembering things, and anyway you've already got limits on your working memory; why would you choose to tie up some of that limited resource in something that could be accomplished with literal stone-age technology? Don't even try to remember things. WRITE THEM DOWN.)

I like sticky notes: they're readily available in all offices, they're pretty cheap, and (most importantly) they can be rearranged if it turns out that I forgot a step or put the steps in the wrong order (which, like, let's be honest, I am definitely going to do). But they kill trees and create unnecessary methane emissions, so I've recently switched over to using virtual sticky notes. That's the format I'm going to use for this example, but you can use anything that meets your purposes.

So, you've got something to write with, you're ready to start.

The first question is: what are you trying to accomplish here? What would "done" look like? What is our goal?

I need to end up with a version of Rosetta that will make the correct results if you don't want calls, and will also make the correct results if you do.

The goal here is that you end up with a statement that you can definitively say (a) Yes this is what I wanted or (b)No this is not right because _______

In this case, in order to do that, I'll need to define "correct results" for both call- and non-call versions. But if I have that nailed down, then this statement meets that criterion: I'll be able to say "Yes, this is what I wanted: see, it makes the correct result for calls, and it makes the correct result for not-calls". Or else I'll be able to say, "No, this is wrong: see, it makes the correct result for calls, but on not-calls it does X and we wanted Y."

I have a clear, definitive standard about what I need to do and whether or not I've done it.

But there was a prerequisite there: I need to define "correct results".

So that goes on a sticky note: Create test that will compare my results to existing call!Rosetta-results and to existing not-call!Rosetta-results.

[ID: Two blue boxes, one on top of the other. The top one says in white text "Create test to compare my results to call!results" The bottom one says "Create test to compare my results to not-call!results"] OK. So now we know what we want. The second question is: what do we need to do in order to get that? Here's where the sticky-note recording system really shines, because you don't have to answer this question sequentially. You just start writing down every single thing that is not the way you want it to end up.

I need it to remove commas in the python script, not the bash script

I need to delete the first part of the get_runs() function, which doesn't do anything

I need to delete the rest of the parameters passed to build_query_script() function, because runs encompasses all the others

while we're on that subject, runs doesn't even need the group_variable, so let's pull that out of the parameter document

we also have a dmf defined, which the bash script demands but doesn't use; let's change that demand

since we're changing the structure of the parameter document, we don't need to pull new metrics for each run, so let's move that outside of the runs() loop and only run once

right now the parameter document is ALMOST but not quite "one row per template". Make it so it's actually one row per template.

among other things, that's going to require making it possible for a template to be followed by nothing at all, since it's the assumption that a template will have a metrics block after it that makes it not quite one row per template. So make it possible to publish a template with a null block

the other thing that's weirdly hard-coded is the definition of what a block looks like. Would it make more sense to separate that out into an input file, like the parameters document? On the one hand, that would make it much more flexible; on the other hand, that's another piece that can break. Don't know. Put a question mark on it.

etc

Here's what it looks like at the end of this step:

[ID: A black and white background showing many boxes in two different shades of blue, all with white text. Some of the boxes are overlapping each other.]

As you can see, at this phase you don't need to worry about any of the following:

ordering the tasks. Just stick 'em right on top of each other for now

how you're going to do any of this. Right now we just need to know what, not how

sticking to only one project. As I was working on this, it occurred to me that this whole process would have been a heck of a lot easier if someone had just made a user manual for this, and since I have to go through all the code line-by-line anyway, I might as well write up the documentation while I'm at it. (To help out future-me, if nothing else.) So I put those tasks on another color of sticky note.

making notes that make any ***ing sense to anyone else. This process is for you, and only you need to understand what you're talking about it. Phrase it in ways that make sense to your brain, and to hell with anyone else.

on that topic, also don't worry about making steps that are "too small" or "too dumb" to write down. This is for you. If "save document" feels like a step to you, then write it down.

You also don't need to get every single step involved in the project right now. Get as many as you can, to be sure, but the process is designed on the assumption that you ARE going to forget important steps, and is designed to handle that.

When you can't think of any more steps, then the third question is: what order does it make sense to do these in? Are there any steps that would be easier if you did another step first? Are there any that literally cannot be done unless another step is complete?

This is also a good place to group steps if they fit together nicely. When I used physical sticky notes, I used two different sizes; digitally I can of course make them whatever size I want.

So I have several documentation steps that (a) do need to be written to make sense to other people and (b) I really need to know what's going on before I can do that. I could write them now, but if I did, I'd just end up re-writing them based on things that change as I'm coding. So we'll move those to the end:

[ID: Three dark blue boxes with white text. They read "Create step-by-step instructions for creating your own metric agg", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a metric", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a query."]

These parts, though -- if I had all the variable structures written down, I could look at them while I'm coding. Then I won't have to keep scrolling back and forth in the code, trying to remember if it's an array or a dictionary while also trying to remember what part of the code I was working on. Brilliant. Move that to the front.

[ID: Seven dark blue boxes with white text, three large, four small. The first one is large and says "Write up explanation of how Rosetta works." The second one is large and says "Document structure of all variables." Attached to that one are four smaller boxes that say "All_blocks", "Runs", "metric", "New_block". The third large one says "Document what qb_parameters.csv contains"]

Also, while I'm at it, I should get the list of variables I need to document -- then I won't have to keep scrolling to find them. Make those sub-steps.

I definitely keep needing to look up what's in the parameters document, so I should write that down, too. For the user manual I also should write down what's in the metric document, but I don't need that for myself, so I can send that to the end.

[ID: The same three dark blue boxes from two screenshots ago (create step-by-step instructions for metric agg, modifying a metric, and modifying a query), now with another dark blue box in front of them with white text that says "Document what granular_metrics.tsv contains."]

These five are all small steps, and are all related in that they don't actually (hopefully) change the functionality of the code; they're just stuff left over from prior versions of this code. So we can lump them all together.

[ID: Five light blue boxes with white text that say "Delete first part of get_runs()", "Have build_query_script only receive the "run" parameter" "Delete dmf" "Move metrics=get_metrics() outside build_all_blocks (all the way up to the top level?" "Delete group_variable from qp_parameters"]

My brain likes this better, so that I can keep track of fewer "main steps", but that's just a peculiarity of me -- you should lump and split however you prefer to make this process easier for you.

[ID: The same five boxes from the prior screenshot, now all made smaller and attached to a larger box that says "Remove Legacy Code"]

Keep going, step by step, sticky by sticky, until you've got them in order. If -- while you're doing this -- you remember another thing you need to do, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile; you don't have to stop what you're doing to deal with it, because it's written down and it's on the pile and it will get processed; you can just keep working on the thing you're on right now.

[ID: All the same boxes from the first screenshot, now in a neat row. Some of the original boxes have been grouped together. The ones that were said to be at the beginning of the process are on the left and the ones that were said to be at the end are on the right.]

Step four: for the love of all that's holy, SAVE THIS LIST.

Write it on your cubicle whiteboard where it won't be erased

write it on a piece of paper and tape it to the office wall

send an email to yourself

take a picture with your phone

I don't care but save it.

When I used physical sticky notes, I kept them all on the hood of my cubicle's shelf. Now, as you can see, I use Powerpoint, which is irritating af but does allow me to keep everything in a single document, which I can write down the path of.

[ID: White text on a black background says "open ~/Documents/Rosetta\ Modifications\ and \Documentation.pptx" The next line says "Notes in Rocketbook pg 10-12, 16" The next line says "Turn that into documentation that can be used for making modifications."]

And now (finally) you can answer the question "How would I even get started on that?" You look at the first thing on the list, and you treat it as its own project. You can hyperfocus on this step and completely forget about everything else this project requires, because everything you need to remember for the rest of it is written down.

If, as you're working a step, you think of something else you need to do for the big project, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile. Don't even worry about trying to order it or identify sub-steps; as long as it's not blocking the thing you need to work on right now, you don't have to care. Just stick that bugger anywhere at all on the list, and go back to what you were doing. When you un-hyperfocus and come back to look at your list, there'll be a big sticky note stuck sideways across all the rest of the steps, and you'll remember to file and order it then.

Other benefits of this system

1) The first question really helps with unclear directions from your boss. You can take whatever they told you to do, and translate it into a requirement that is clearly either met or not-met, and then run it back by the boss.

If they say, "No, no, we want ______" then phew! You just saved a huge miscommunication and weeks of wasted work! What a good employee you are! What an excellent team player with strong communication skills!

If they say "Yes, that's what I want," then you know -- for sure -- what it is you're trying to accomplish. Your anxiety is reduced, and your boss thinks you're super-conscientious.

(And if your boss is a jerk who likes to move the goalposts and blame it on their subordinates, then have this conversation over email, so you can show it to their boss or to HR should it become necessary.)

2) Having this project map means that when you spend an hour staring at the requirements and trying to figure out how to get started (which, let's be honest, you were definitely going to do anyway) ... When your boss/coworker comes by and says, "How's it going?" Instead of having to say "I haven't even started 😞" You can say, "Pretty well! I've got all the steps mapped out and am getting ready to start on implementation!" and show them your list, and they think you're very organized and meticulous. 3) Sometimes, especially in corporate jobs, you and your coworkers will run into a problem that's too big for even Neurotypicals to hold all in their heads. At that point, the NTs will be completely lost -- they've never had to develop a way to handle projects they can't just look at and know how to get started. So then you pipe up in the meeting and say, "OK, well, what exactly are we trying to accomplish?" and everybody at the conference table looks at you like you're a goddamned genius and you don't have to tell them that you use this exact same process to remember how to make a sandwich 😅

4) Having this project map makes it so much easier to stop work and then start it up again later, but this post is already really really really long, so I'm going to address that in a separate (really really long) post.

[ma-gic-gay]

"I'm sorry, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Carly asks and he nods his agreement with the question, confused as well.

"His first allegiance has been you for the entire time I've known him! You call, the second he registers it's you he answers it. No matter what. We could be in a fight and he'd still pause it to answer that call from you. I don't know why, maybe there's something going on there I don't know about, but still. At least now I'm not competing for attention," Sam sadly smiles.

"Redo on the question: what the hell is that supposed to mean?" The blonde asks again, laughing when she figures out what it is she means. "Oh my god, you think we're having an affair! Oh my god! That's- oh my god."

Both of them burst into laughter at the thought of that. "You thought- us?" Jason asks, laughing still in a rare showing of emotion for him.

Confused, Sam takes that as a sign to say that. "Yeah, actually. I don't know, it just seemed like something that would happen between you two. Or that it was happening."

That stops their laughter promptly. "You do know we used to do that, right?" Jason asks her calmly. "Before Michael."

"And then I was in love with him for several years," Carly smiles at him, "and he wouldn't tell me his feelings until after Sonny and I had gotten together the first time. Stubborn goat. I practically told him everytime I saw him but he just smiled and gave me taxi money. Cruel, truly."

"Most of this took place when she was married to AJ," he finishes the version of the story Sam gets today, even though he could've sworn he'd told her before, "with a minor amount of her begging me to flee the country with her and Michael while she was married to Sonny the first time. But since I came back from my great world exploration, we've simply been friends."

"So you two were going to leave the country together, and you used to hook up, and you were in love at one point, and I never learned any of this?" Sam exclaims, angry and kinda hurt as well.

"I just assumed you knew. Honestly, Sam, I'm kinda surprised you didn't. Everyone knows it; we don't try to hide it or act like we weren't. People haven't just brought it up in... God it'd be years by now, but a long time. When you came to town, though, people were still talking about it pretty regularly. No clue why, maybe they found us fascinating or something, but how didn't you know?" A surprised Carly asks her former fellow mob wife.

"No one ever thought to tell me that his best friend was also someone he was in love with! Someone he considered not only leaving the business for, but someone he considered leaving everyone he cared about to protect," Sam exclaims.

"A million years ago," Carly defends him, "and besides, I doubt that ever would've actually happened."

"Mainly because I refused to let it happen," Jason smiles at her. "You were ready to leave the country on the next flight out and never look back, not for anyone or anything."

"Yeah, I guess I should've thought that out, but in my defense, we would've been happy in, say, Switzerland with Michael and very far away from Sonny," she quickly returns his smile, quipping back immediately.

"Switzerland has an extradition treaty," he reminds her. "Vietnam, on the other hand, does not."

"You were prepared to let me just take off to a country with an extradition treaty with my son and you?" Carly asks, mock offended. "That's just mean."

"Never. I would've made sure we went somewhere without one if we went, which we already established wasn't gonna happen," he smiles again, this time noticed by Sam exclusively, as Carly was busy fake pouting and he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Not once have I willingly gone along with a Carly plan and I plan on dying with that."

"Lies. My fake marriage to AJ so that Michael, me, and you could be a family again, legally," the blonde reminds him, smirking. "You went along with that one pretty easily. Granted, it was because you'd get everything back to how it'd been, your comfortable, no changing life."

"So you act like this, reminiscing about a past I found out about five minutes ago, and I'm expected to believe you truly, truly, aren't still feeling feelings for each other?" Sam asks, incredulous.

"Of course we have feelings! Joy, and anger, and fear and sadness and nostalgia all wrapped into one cozy blanket. But that doesn't mean we're cheaters in relationships, doesn't mean that he would cheat on you, that I'd do that to Sonny," Carly exclaims. "Jason is the most loyal man I have ever met. He's broken zero promises to me and believe me I've given him more than enough reason to. But still, he keeps his word. He would never, in a million years, cheat on you."

"Back the hell up, did you just say you've got feelings for him?" Sam asks, angry but unsurprised.

"We're friends, just friends!" Carly fights her.

"Tell me you're not still attracted to him, then, and I'll believe you!" Sam fires back. "Honestly, can you tell me that you have no feelings for him? Can you?'

There's a poignant pause and a shifted dynamic between the three when suddenly, everyone's eyes are on Carly. "I knew it," Sam scoffs. "I knew you were still in love with him, you slut! You say I'm bad, you've been friends with him for longer than I've known he existed and yet you love him, when you're married to someone else!"

Anger and confusion clouds his blue eyes before he says, "Sam! That is completely out of line! Don't you dare accuse her of this when you don't even know what she means yet, or start fighting with her in her restaurant!"

"So that's it? You're mad at me for getting upset with her for having feelings for you all this time? God, you're in love with her too, aren't you? Somewhere, some part of you is still in love with your best friend's wife. This is rich, maybe I should go tell Sonny about this, let him know his wife's a whore and her and you are in love," Sam angrily shouts. "After all, I'm just the baby mama now. Right?"

"Don't say that," he says softly. "I loved you, Sam, with every piece of me and you told me that we were over. That there was no chance of us reuniting. I love you and it kills me, to know you don't feel the same way back."

"You used the past tense. Loved. You corrected it when you noticed. If you're not in love with me, you're in love with her." Sam says calmly, disguising her anger.

"That's not how life works," Carly argues, interrupting whatever Sam's trying to say. "It's not black and white like that, it's covered in shades of grey as well. You, of all people, should know that. Love's complicated. Life's complicated. Don't expect me to be able to answer a question like that easily."

"If some part of your heart didn't belong to him-"

"Some part of it always will. He was my first love, and he's my best friend. He was the first person to show me unconditional love. The very first person to put up with me and treat me the way I never thought I deserved until I met him. So yes, of course I love him. Happy? Satisfied that now you can run back to Sonny and you two can try for baby number two?" Carly asks, the last part coming out as a sarcastic joke.

Jason stands there, stunned but processing it. She's in love with him? That's a shock. Definitely wasn't expecting that when he woke up today.

By the look on her face, Sam wasn't planning on hearing it either. "So you admit you're a whore who used Sonny because you couldn't be with Jason? Is that it? Or is it that you're somehow just coming to this realization now?"

"That's enough!" He says, pulling out of his thoughts. "Where the hell do you get off acting like this? You dumped me, and you're here now it pick a fight with a woman who's my best friend."

"A woman who's in love with you!" Sam says, hurt he's protecting her. "You protect her with everything in you and I can't even get half of your attention. God, I hope you two are happy together. I'm leaving."

No one tries to stop her as she storms off to the elevators.

A slightly embarrassed Carly looks at him. "Look, if I made this weird or anything, I'm sorry. I just- she asked for the truth and I think I needed to get it off my chest. I was planning on taking this to the grave, I swear. You and her are great together, truly, and so I don't want you to feel like you've got any burden to act on what I've told you. We can just forget this ever happened if you want."

"Can we?" He asks, contemplating. "I mean, yeah, I guess we could, but I know you and I know you don't ever give up or hide things. Once your feelings are out in the open, you leave it like that. You are incapable of hiding them."

"I have for this long," she smiles. "So, no pressure, but whatever we do with this knowledge is up to you."

"No pressure? What the hell has happened to you? Are you feeling alright?" He teases, a smirk playing on his lips despite his best attempts to hide it. "I, uh, I guess you're waiting on me to say something?"

"Kinda."

"You... It's complicated."

"No shit."

"Do I love you? Yes, of course I do. We're friends and you've been my family for a long time. When I woke up from the accident, you didn't know about it, didn't feel the need to be careful with me or treat me like I was marked fragile. Granted, we were just having no name sex, but still. And when you found out, you didn't care much. You had Michael, and remember how scared you were? That's why I agreed to take you both in, and it turned out to be both one of the best and worst things to happen to me. We fell into a solid friendship and eventually in love. You word blurted every feeling you had and I just didn't tell you how I felt. When I did, you fucked Sonny because of a misunderstanding. That hurt. But I survived. Came back to town and we were best friends again. The feelings never fully died, but I definitely loved Sam too, still love her to an extent. I just, I don't know anymore what to do to cause the least amount of pain."

"That was emotional, Mr. Morgan," the blonde smiles at his friend. "Maybe you're not stone cold anymore."

He just rolls his eyes and smiles at his friend who's distracting herself. "If you can hide a feeling, anything's possible."

"That felt personal," she jokes. "But where does this leave us? I mean, we both have feelings for each other, but I just so happen to be married to your boss and second closest friend. And you just got out of a long term relationship."

"Absolutely no clue. You're with Sonny, I'm single, and Sam's definitely about to tell him what happened here," Jason sighs. "God, our lives are complicated."

"Seems like my sneaking around plan won't work. Damn. How about my better plan, one where we figure out what we are to each other first," she smiles at him.

"That's somehow even more complicated," he sighs.

"Do you want to explain it to Sonny that we're unlabeled or something?" Carly raises an eyebrow at the man she knows so well. "Exactly. You don't. I don't either but I guess we've got to go with my plan."

"The plan that also involved Sam, the scorned woman, not telling him? Good luck with that," he chuckles, thinking deeply.

The only thing that pulls him out of his thoughts is the sudden feeling of her lips on his. They pull away when he registers what's happening and he looks at her, confused. "What the hell just happened?"

"I kissed you, genius," she smiles at him. "And you didn't kiss back."

"I was thinking," he defends himself. She cocks an eyebrow and he rolls his eyes. "Do you want me to kiss you?"

"No need to be so formal," she smirks and they kiss.

Conveniently, Sonny shows up right then.

To be continued

.-. whY-

[cameoamalthea]

The truth is I'd never been great at 'networking'. It's not like it's a class they offered in school. I was good at school. Clear assignments. I was not good at abstract concepts like 'networking' so you can find a job. 'Network' seemed to mean pretend to be friends with people and pay money to go to functions where people would be so you could befriend them and then somehow that could land you a job.

Getting a job is about who you know. Connections. Who do your parents know? Well, I had no idea, I'd been in foster care since I was little, in and out, and then permanently but never adopted. Usually, babies are in high demand but not when there are older siblings so you're on the same timeline as them - more time for parents to get it together to get you all back - and then there are behaviors. A two-year-old might be adopted but four years later when your mother loses her rights, you are six and your placement disrupts. You are moved and then things are identified. Things like autism. Things that put you in the category - of high needs.

They try to keep siblings together but with different fathers, their family placements might not be yours. Then a distant relative is found for you, a great aunt, who everyone calls Gramma anyway, and guardianship papers are drawn. And she is old and does her best to raise you with money she gets from disability benefits, but she doesn't know anyone or have connections or teach how to make them.

You hate social functions where you're supposed to make connections. It feels like lying - manipulative and awkward. But graduation is coming up and you need a job and you are trying to make connections. That's why you agreed to go to a club with some girls you worked on a project with for a management class, to try to be more social. To maybe figure out how networking works. Now you're here, in what, ironically feels less horror movie and more networking event. Groups of vampires in formal wear of every shade, and cliques of ones in black. I stay quiet and try to listen to what's being said in the groups. How long the new bloods had been vampires and their plans. Who made them and whether the elder they were talking to knew them. How they'd met their maker and what led them to want to become a vampire. None of it applied to me, but I didn't say as much. I did not want to stand out and have attention on me. I'd had enough of that before...what do your parents do? I don't have parents, I lived with my great aunt but she's disabled. Not the answer you're supposed to give. Awkward looks. What made you interested in a degree in HR? Well I'm bad at math and science requires math, so I couldn't pick pharmacology, engineering, or finance, but HR is an in-demand degree and interdisciplinary so there are a lot of classes that don't require math. Too honest. Too rambling. I liked the idea of helping people, making sure bad things didn't happen, being someone that a person could go to for help, and maybe ensuring more equality in the workforce. I don't think that answer was bad exactly, but I didn't even sound confident when I said it, as if I was just waiting for someone to tell me I was stupid for thinking like that. This gathering was so much worse. I didn't want to be a vampire. I didn't know vampires even existed until literally today when I woke up in a cave and I need help. But I couldn't say that. No - not when I was supposed to be making people like me. I couldn't cause a scene. I excused myself to wander out amid the pool and look at different groups. One caught my eye. All girls, or at least I thought so, although some were androgynous, like the one with brilliant red hair in a pixie cut shaved at the sides. I thought they were a girl, but I wasn't sure. I knew they were an elder from their black suit. There were two elders in that group, the redhead and their partner, a girl in a black lace dress that matched her dark hair worn in a layered asymmetrical cut.

I actually wanted to join that group, if only to tell them both I loved their hair and their whole look. The dark-haired girl met my gaze and gave me a hint of a smile before waving me over. I waded across to where they say one edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water surrounded by three brightly dressed new bloods. "I'm surprised you're still mingling," she said, "it's getting late. You'll find a group or are you going to make a run for it?" The rest of the group laughed but I didn't get the joke. I forced a smile.

"There's just so many people," I said.

"Well you can stick with us if you'd like," said the redhead. "Girls stick together. I'm Anne, and you?"

"Tara," I said. "I like your outfits and your hair. You guys look great."

More giggles from the group, but the dark-haired girl extended a hand. "I'm Theo and aren't you sweet? Is flattery the strategy then?"

I blushed and let go of the handshake. "Oh no, I - was just - excuse, me, I think I need some air."

I pulled back from the group and looked for a clear exit from the pool and another side chamber I could slip down to get a minute alone. I walked, the ends of my dress dripping a trail of water along the stone floor of the cavern. Amazed I hadn't slipped or lost my footing at all. I felt...graceful almost, sure-footed like a cat. It seemed my transformation has cured any physical awkwardness, but nothing had been for my social awkwardness.

I leaned against the wall of the cave and closed my eyes.

"You know, we don't even need to breathe," came a familiar voice. Theo.

"I actually didn't know that," I said.

Her expression shifted, curious. We were alone here, just the two of us. My scent wouldn't be masked among the throng. If a fellow new blood like Collon could sniff me out I had no doubt this elder would see right through me.

"How old are you?" she asked. "Twenty-three," I said honestly. I'd had to repeat a grade when I was younger before my learning disabilities had been identified and addressed with special one-on-one programs to teach me to read and write. I'd learned to let people assume I was a fifth-year senior or taken a gap year rather than explaining I'd actually failed the first grade.

"I mean how long have you been a vampire," she clarified. "What age you were turned doesn't matter. We'll all be twenty-five physically, regardless."

"What?"

"You- did your maker not tell you anything?"

"I-I just woke up like this tonight," I confessed. "I don't even know who my maker is..."

Her eyes widened in shock and she took a step closer to me and pressed a finger to my lips. "No one can hear that," she said, "do you understand." She looked around, but we were alone. "It's forbidden to make a vampire who doesn't choose it. You're supposed to be prepared beforehand and - you weren't prepared for tonight, were you? Do you even know what's going on?"

"A party?" I said. "Where new vampires mingle with older ones and you're supposed to make connections."

"You're supposed to convince the elders gathered here that you're worth allowing to live or else strong enough to survive and fight anyone who tries to drain you."

"Drain?"

"Consume," she clarified, "drink every drop of blood you have to give. Plenty of species eat their own young. Feeding on another vampire makes you strong and besides, we can't have too many new vampires. The game tonight is to make alliances, elders who will protect you, or new bloods who will fight with you. But you-you're as weak as a human, practically human." Her canine teeth seemed to grow in her mouth, elongating into pronounced fangs. "And by our law, you should be culled regardless."

I tried to back away, to press myself closer to the wall. My stomach tightened. "Are you going to kill me?" Fear pulsed through me mingled with something else, excitement, attraction despite the growing panic.

Her hand slipped into mine. "Stay close to me," she said, "and say nothing about how you got here or lack of connection. The Feast begins at midnight. You have an hour to get into the good graces of our little clique."

The vampire population is tightly controlled. Too many predators would put a strain on the prey population and when their primary prey is a species with a history of destroying any who would dare hunt them 'strain' is defined less as putting a dent in the human population and more as taking enough for it to be noticed.

In the United States, a little over a half a million may go missing in a year, with a population of 229 million that's only around.2 percent of the population. Of course, not all of those who go missing are victims of vampires. There is a very small amount of humans vampires can kill without risking notice, and learning to feed without killing takes practice.

Therefore vampire law has it that every year all newly made vampires must be brought to the caves. A network of partially flooded caverns in New Mexico where every year new bloods gather along with older vampires who volunteer to assess them and cull a large amount.

The new bloods are sent alone, their makers cannot go with them or protect them aside from what protection reputation and the promise of favor might offer. Vampires can sense the age of their peers, and should a vampire attempt to hide a new blood from presentation to society and they are later discovered, both maker and new blood will be hunted and destroyed. There are rules.

Another rule, the cavern only holds so many. If too many vampires decided to make a new blood any given year, well...if you can't get into the cavern then come dawn there are very few places to hide. This is the calculus a vampire must make before they decide to create another - can they bare to lose them if they do not survive their introduction at the cavern and do they want to gamble on making a new vampire when not even be room for them to make it inside the caves at all?

I didn't about the calculus. I didn't know what awaited me in the caverns. Makers prepare their new bloods. They teach them what to expect when they're presented to society at the cavern, how to ingratiate themselves to the older and more powerful, and what will happen if they fail.

But I didn't know my maker or the fact I didn't put a target on my back. It is forbidden to create a vampire and abandon them. It is forbidden to create a vampire without first preparing the human and ensuring the candidate will transition smoothly. To wake up as a vampire and not know what happened to you or who did it, well that's not allowed. But I didn't know that or that letting it slip would be a death sentence. I also didn't know that being a new blood vampire meant I was almost as weak as I'd been as a human and just as on the menu for older vampires. See, vampires have to be careful about how many humans they kill, but draining other vampires? All you can eat, are empty husks that crumble to dust. Blood that tastes better than any mortal blood could and can sustain a vampire for months? Taking all the power the blood for themselves.

When I woke in the caverns and found others it seemed like a party, welcoming new vampires, a chance to network and make connections with older, more powerful members of your kind. No one mentioned that if you didn't make an impression that made you seem worth keeping that they'd literally eat you alive.