#though i haven't relapsed since starting the nerve meds... i'm not complaining either way lol

[softgrungeprophet]

obviously there is no usefulness in dwelling on "coulda shoulda woulda" etc but that doesn't mean i'm not always a little curious what would have happened if i got diagnosed as a kid, cause having undiagnosed, untreated, unknown adhd inherently defined the course of my (esp college) education (academic probation, transferred to a specific university due to alternative grading schemes etc)

my grades were so funny from middle school on. i was "smart" right? good at reading, writing. didn't apply myself. alternated between failing and doing great in math classes depending on if I'd already taken it. failed my first college math class (c... calculus? i forget), did GREAT in and enjoyed stats. high school English (including AP) mostly Bs and Cs even while the teachers praised my writing, because i just like... didn't.... do my homework (or did it late or didn't finish it) (except creative writing)

always had very high grades in japanese even when i missed an entire week in 10th grade due to family stuff. average grade in japanese for me was actually like. 105% 😂😂 like i got a scholarship to an expensive university because of it (not enough tho, didn't go, probably would have transferred out anyway) cause it was my INTEREST arguably so doing my homework was appealing to me for that class. my grades did drop a little in college japanese but that was more on account of i think the slight increase in difficulty + the pressure of everything else about being in college (a setup that did not work for me; turns out i do way better with multidisciplinary 12 credit courses instead of 5 different classes at once)

didn't get a real job until 2019 (did some workstudy, and brief bookkeeping after college but that was literally like a few hours a week total whereas paging was at least 12 hrs a week instead of like...3)

(of course i lost that job because of the agonies (no we still don't know the actual cause but 🤷))

anyway very curious if i would have stayed at western if i had been like... even aware of what my issue was, let alone medicated