#this turned into one super turbo hell of an essay

[holycafe]

You know what my main problem is with the ‘too little too late’ discourse regarding Castiel’s love confession?

Y’all are actively shitting on a show for making one of its lead characters queer. You are providing evidence to any other production team who might be considering listening to its fans and canonising a queer character, that the fallout isn’t worth the pay-out. And why? Because you’re bitter that they didn’t do it when you were teenagers, as though that diminishes its importance. You are acting as though the world starts and ends around you, as though there aren’t younger generations out there who are going to be impacted by this.

Supernatural started off as a show about Manly Men™ who drive classic cars, listen to classic rock, drink a lot of booze, and hunt monsters. On paper, it is a cishet white man’s wet dream.

And yet that show chose to make one of its main, pinnacle characters queer. Sure, spn made its fair few jokes along the way, but at the end of the day, it delivered. And it did it in a way which rewrote everything that Cas has done for the past eleven years and made it into the longest portrayal of canonical gay pining that I have ever seen.

And, more than that, Supernatural didn’t bend to stereotypes. They’ve had this confession planned for at least a season now, and yet they did not change anything about how Dean and Cas spoke and moved around each other. And that is big. They didn’t abruptly change how Cas acted as though he’d simply just become gay all of a sudden; they didn’t shoe-horn a love story in. Instead, they built it into the show’s very core, only amplifying what was already there. And that is the best part!

The writers didn’t make it so that the average watchers, the ones who have never been on tumblr hell with the rest of us, can pinpoint exactly when they ‘made things gay’. Instead, these viewers are going to go back and rewatch earlier seasons and realise that this profound love story has been there all along. Sure, it wasn’t intentional back in season 4, and we all know that. But to the average watcher? Well, it sure as hell looks intentional. They’re going to see all of these scenes which they’ve never so much as batted an eyelash at before, and realise that someone who they had spent the past 12 seasons getting to know, believing they were straight, wasn’t. And it’s going to be so damn clear that they’re probably going to question how they never realised sooner. Maybe it might even help them to realise that straight isn’t the default and that when you act like it is, you’re often wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, they might take away from this whole thing that gay people aren’t only some gimmick, some stereotype. Because, at the end of the day, one angel falling in love with a man was undeniably that first domino to fall askew from God’s plan. It created a knock-on effect which allowed our characters to save the world time and time again. And that is now canon.

Gay love saved the day.

But even if you ignore how this could impact the average viewer, this is still important. Just like it would have been important to you ten years ago as struggling queer teenagers, it will be important to younger generations who are probably feeling the exact same way as you did, looking for somewhere to belong. Representation matters. And as sad as it will be if Cas doesn’t end up coming back to life and getting his happy ending with Dean Winchester (and as much as I hate the bury your gays trope), the fact still remains that Castiel is queer and has been on your screens as such for twelve years. That is important.

Perhaps it could even open the doorway for other shows to follow.

But not if the online community turns on it.

Now, I’m not saying that you have to sing Supernatural’s praises, that they’ve never done anything wrong, or that there aren’t ways they could have done this better. But actively attacking the show for taking this step is only going to do more harm than good. Criticise it, please do, because that is the only way that shows will learn from their mistakes. But don’t strip away its importance just because it hasn’t helped you, specifically. Stop acting like bitter, spoiled children.

[froginthemachine]

I have very few followers (at least, very few who aren't bots but I'm too lazy to sift through them) so I don't imagine anyone will read this.

I'm having a lot of issues, and I just need to yell out into the vast void of Tumblr so at least my voice is floating around somewhere.

I've been dealing with what is likely untreated ADHD. I talked to my therapist about what I've been feeling and she says I should definitely get tested for it because it's greatly affecting my daily life. I didn't really want to admit it, because I was always the good quiet child who did well in school. I was an unhappy child but, as most "burnt out gifted kids" will tell you, my mental health wasn't addressed because I wasn't causing problems or inconveniencing anyone.

Over the past couple years I've had some issues with my brain's function that just seemed to get worse, and I really brushed it off and attributed it to other things - maybe my anxiety getting worse and manifesting itself in weird ways, being in the wrong environment, and of course, being stuck inside for a year.

But I moved back down to Georgia in March for school and was finally in the environment I wanted to be in - living alone, independent from my parents, hanging out with my friends again, and working on 3D animation projects which I am super passionate about.

Did my problems get better? Nope! In fact, I found it so hard to concentrate during classes, to sit still at my computer and do work, and even just to do basic daily tasks, even though I eliminate distractions the best I can. I think it wasn't caught earlier by my mental health professionals because I described these things as "racing thoughts" like it was anxiety, but it's more like an overwhelming amount of thoughts about anything and everything.

The best way I can describe it is like when your computer is being slow and you open task manager and there's a bunch of shit running in the background. Only I can't click "end task", I can't just turn off the many thoughts I'm having.

It's to the point where I lose my train of thought so easily while talking to someone. I have to work so hard to concentrate on what others are saying, because if I allow even one other thought to interrupt, I won't process a single word they've said.

I'll get undressed and turn on the shower. While the water warms up I figure I'll put my laundry in the washer. I notice a pan on the stove, and if I don't put it in the sink now I'll forget to wash it next time I do dishes. I notice there is no sponge next to the sink because I threw the old grimey one out. But I'm out of sponges so I have to add that to my grocery list. I look through my fridge and cupboards to see what else I'm low on to add to my list. I go back to my room to check the wall of post-it note reminders to see if I had written anything else to add to my list. I notice a deadline I'm about to miss, and then I hear the shower still running so I turn it off because I'm wasting water. I quickly turn on my computer and finish the thing I had to do before the deadline. I keep interrupting myself with more things and then an hour later I'm still naked, in bed on my phone. Why am I naked? Oh yeah I was gonna take a shower an hour ago.

Its a big fuckin "if you give a mouse a cookie" chain for each task during the day. I'm exhausted. My brain going so hard at all times really drains my energy physically, as dumb as that may sound. A few hours after waking up from a good night's sleep, I have to lay down for a long nap or else I will be miserable all day.

I put off my work and then go into turbo mode 1 or 2 days a week and get it done super quick. But my work quality is definitely suffering.

I just want to be able to do the things I gotta do and want to do without it being so mentally taxing. When I tell someone these things and they don't really relate, I feel jealous of their normalcy and ability to just... function as they should? It's fucking up my school, work, and social life. Hell, it makes it had to sleep because my brain won't turn off. I go to bed, physically very tired and ready to sleep. But I'll be up tossing and turning until I can't stand all the noise in my head and go on my phone, then try again at sleeping, then get up and do something else, and eventually I've been up for so long that I get really hungry and then I'm having a 2am snack but I need to be up for my 8am class and I thought I would be fine because I went to bed at 10 but no I'm a fucking disaster!

I see my psychiatrist in a month, but that still feels like forever away. My Lexapro isn't working because it's trying to treat something that isn't an issue for me. All it's done is make me unable to cry and unable to get a boner. It mellowed out the low moods at one point when I did actually have depression, but it hasn't been an issue for a long time and now it's just mellowing out the highs when I get them. I notice when I miss a few doses I feel all my emotions more strongly, especially the happy ones. I cry over listening to good music. I can whack it again :') but I get unpleasant withdrawal symptoms, so for now I'll stay on it until my psychiatrist tells me otherwise.

I've written a whole essay at this point but it feels better to just have it written down in words. It's made these feelings more concrete; I have a way to describe what I'm feeling. I know I won't feel so dysfunctional forever, and things are going to get better. I just feel so frustrated and powerless right now. If anyone reads this, thank you for listening and making me feel heard.