#this tumblr post has turned into me just letting out years worth of bullshit HAHAHA

[touslesjers]

Forty Days

So I don’t actually post about my personal life but i just had the urge to post this because I had nowhere else to post this without sounding too dramatic and not being judged. I don’t want too much attention for writing this and i feel like I’d be judged big time if I posted this on Facebook. 

Thank you Tumblr for being here.

Where do I start? :( It’s just that, here in my country forty days after death is actually something wherein you hold a little gathering, ceremony or ritual. 

My childhood friend, who has been with me for ten years passed last January 19, 2017. He died because of having too much fun with his motorcycle and ended up crashing to a mini-truck. 

“ The 40th Day concludes the 40-day memorial period and has a major significance in traditions of Eastern Orthodox. It is believed that the soul of the departed remains wandering on Earth during the 40-day period, coming back home, visiting places the departed has lived in as well as their fresh grave. The soul also completes the journey through the Aerial toll house finally leaving this world. The rituals during the period aim to let the soul go in order to keep it from returning and bothering the living. “

“The motif of the 40th Day is "we said good bye to you, no longer come to us, we will come to you." After the 40th Day the living can no longer grieve about the departed, they must move on with their lives. “

How unfair is it that he only got to live nineteen days of 2017? How come he only live for eighteen years? And how come I can only grieve for forty days? 

It doesn’t feel like forty days have already passed. It just feels like yesterday, the wounds are still fresh. The scares he left are yet to heal.

I’m a religious person, and i don’t doubt the Lord’s plans and will. I know you know better, and i have no rights to question you at all. 

If after forty days, YOU will be leaving Timuel, then I guess here’s my last message for you.

I’ll just kid myself that you can read this, that you’re there reading this. Timuel, why? why’d you have to leave so soon? Why this early? Tim, I still have so many things to tell you. TOO MANY. Tim, you’re too kind to leave. You’re too special to let go. It’s so hard, it’s so damn hard to let you go. I don’t think I can. Half of my life, you were with me, you’re by my side always. Now I don’t know what to do without you. How to go on with life now? While writing this, something’s telling me that I need to write this in Filipino because you always tell me you hate me speaking in english because you damn don’t understand a thing. So, putangina mo timuel bulaon. Tangina bakit ka nangiwan :( andami kong tanong sayo, andami kong kailangan malaman. Timuel, sorry. Ang sakit kase eh. Ang sakit. Naalala ko pa din pano tayo nagkakilala, naalala ko huli natin pagkikita and naalala ko pa din pano ko nalaman na wala ka na. Timuel, ang selfish ko kasi ayokong umalis ka pa. Ayokong umakyat ka pa kasi natatakot ako na baka pag punta mo dun, hindi mo na kami maalala... hindi mo na ako maalala. Hindi ko kaya, hindi ko kaya isipin yung ganon. Natatakot ako na baka totoo yung reincarnation... Paano kung totoo? Mababalik ka nalang sa mundong to ng walang naalala about us and hindi ko man lang alam na nakabalik ka na? You and I would pass by each other without even knowing that I’m your old friend and you were once mine as well. How would I know if your soul would be inside a kid I would pass by when I’m fifty? or maybe a young man who would help me cross the street when Im old? How would I know if it’s you? Tim, I’m scared of not finding you again. Scared of not having you in my life. When you were around you gave me advises I thought would only be good for a day or a certain time but now I know, you gave me advises that I could bring for a lifetime. When you were here, you always saved me. You saved me from the harsh world. I remember when I found out that my ex was cheating on me, as soon as I went the guidance office, you were the first one to hug me and told me everything will be okay. When the bevy of girls bullied me way back sophomore year, you pulled me away and told them that’s enough. When I have troubles in school and at home, you would tell me that it’s nothing and you’re there and I wouldn’t have to face it alone. You taught me to be closer to God, you taught me how to seek God, you taught me how to live by the word of God, you taught me how to humble myself for God, you taught me everything I should about God and in life generally. 

Remember way back in third grade? That’s when we met. Somebody was pulling me inside their classroom and I was pulling myself not to. And suddenly, you were the one pulling me, and i was like “dafuq r u??” I could still remember what you looked like, chubby, square shaped smile and you wore black glasses just for style. I found out that time that you liked me... and the shy and innocent old me chose to ignore it. We ended up being classmates on fourth grade and we got along really well because we were both on our emo stage. We both joined the dance club of our school and we always get paired up. You were the escort of the club and I was your muse. You were my partner on our folk dances, You also played Adam and I was your Eve. Our clubmates would always tease us and we would always end up being shy. During that time, Yahoo messenger was still our way of communicating, we were close... Too close actually, you confessed your feelings to me through Yahoo messenger and I signed out as soon as possible because i never knew how to handle a situation like that. My mother was the one who read your message and just told it to me afterwards. We became awkward that time, we didn’t talk for a few month I suppose all because of me. I never knew how to treat you right after you confessed. You were the first guy who confessed to me, hence i panicked. hahaha. Fifth grade, Sixth grade passed and we never ended up as a couple but remained as very close friends. I had a boyfriend and you had a girlfriend. High school came and you transferred schools but i don’t know how we remained friends. We were still intact and we would still see each other, we would go to McDonald’s even if we had no money and take pictures on our friend’s webcam. Sophomore year, you came back to our school, there we found our realest squad and most likely, our second family. We weren’t classmates but we still ended up being on the same solid squad. Amazing isn’t it? I would find some random photos of you at our house singing on our karaoke and got me thinking how’d this happen? There were tons of pictures of us that I didn’t know existed and some moments i don’t even remember much. Maybe because we have too many memories together that you being there always is already a routine, you became a part of my everyday. When Junior year came, the worst time of my life because I had a jerk for a boyfriend, he cheated on me for some times and I would fall down but you would always pick me up. Give me endless advises on how i deserve better and that I’m worth it. You would give time to cheer me up and give company even though you had a girl that time. You once walked me home just to ask me how’s my life and listen to so much of my bullshit and told me how your life and it ended up being a sermon. I didn’t mind walking because it was actually cute and you gave me another batch of your life long lessons. 

You and I both saw each other grow, from graduating grade school and both high school. Even when entering college.

Entering college to me was not easy because I had to work due to financial issues of our family. I was no longer available that much because I had to work. But you and the rest of our squad managed to visit me on my work during my birthday. I would never forget that. And last December 23, 2015 when we were done driving the rest of our squad home... On our way to my place, I was riding shotgun and it was already 2am-ish, you told me again how much you liked me. How you still have feelings for me, especially that time because the once so lazy me turned out to be the one working, the once “all about boyfriend’ me became very goal-oriented. You told me so much on why you liked me again. You said so many things that I never knew. You know me better than I actually know myself.

February 25, 2016, one of our friends’ birthday and we celebrated it by swimming and drinking. As usual, I got drunk. But you took care of me. I couldn’t remember anything but our friends told me everything. When I got drunk, you held my hand and kept on yelling you loved me. I only knew this because of our friends, sadly.

After all these, you were always reminding me not to get awkward like how I did way back in fourth grade. HAHAHA.

There are too many things to mention on how special you are to me. You were always the one taking care of me when I’m drunk. You never get disgusted by my vomit or what. You would always drive me home... Remember when we rode your motorcycle while wearing formal attire? like we were a bunch of runaways? You even do things for me, like put the helmet on for me even if I can do it. You would also take it off even if I can also do it myself. 

 December 10, 2016, during our friend’s debut, you said you have to go home early because your mom would scold you. We went to my place to get my stuff then rushed to yours and then you said you would just try to ask for permission from your mom to let you go to the after party and if she didn’t you would bring me to the hotel were we will meet our friends but I was persistent and told you I wouldn’t leave without you even if your mom didn’t allow you to leave. I could remember you took of your top and I scolded you to wear something because your huge belly is showing HAHAHA. I even yelled excuse me because you were blocking my way... And you shouted back, “what?! kiss me??!” and i just ignored you. Then when we got to the hotel we ended up waiting for all our friends for an hour at the lobby. You promised your mom you would just drive me to the hotel but you ended up staying because I forced you to. One of our friends would tease me on having a crush on you but nobody teases you. It was always one sided even though we both know the truth on who likes who. HAHAHA. That day, we ended up sleeping next to each other and you even farted on me. You hugged me while we were sleeping but I didn’t reciprocate. 

January 15, 2017... the last time I actually saw you. I was supposed to hug you but my dad was watching and your cousin was also there. I was supposed to tell you so many things but we were awkward because of my dad and your cousin.

If I only knew that this was the last time we would see each other...  I would have hugged you and told you everything you deserved to hear. I would have told you that I find you really cute and attractive with those glasses when we were in third grade. I would turn back time and give you a reply on Yahoo Messenger that I do like you back, that I also have a crush on you. I wouldn’t have ignored you for a few months and handled our feelings properly. I wouldn’t have let you go to a different girl way back in fifth and sixth grade. I would have taken endless pictures on the webcam I was talking about. I wouldn’t say yes to my jerk ass ex and I wouldn’t let any other girl have you and hurt you for two years like I was being hurt for two years as well. We wouldn’t get hurt if we were just together instead. I would kiss you when you shouted “kiss me?!”. I would hugged you back when we were sleeping. I would tell you that I also like you on our way home on that 23rd of December, I wouldn’t get drunk and tell you I love you back. I love you. I would love to hear it again and I would respond to it this time.

You would always ask me, “Who’s your boyfriend now?”

I would always respond, no one because I focused on my goals ever since our financial problem. You never bothered because I know you valued our friendship more and you know how much goal oriented I've become.

I was actually torn when I found out you had a girl but also happy because you found someone to take care of you. 

But despite having a girl, you never forgot about me. You still made me feel special in a way where you wouldn’t be cheating. You still take care of me, still drove me home, still reminded me how beautiful I am and still appreciated me. You still tell people about me and you still tell me that I deserve someone who would take care of me like how you take care of me. Sometimes, the good things i do wasn’t for anyone anymore. It was solely for you because it’s such a bliss to have you impressed. To have a Timuel Bulaon impressed. It was such a privilege to have you impressed.

Timuel, I wrote this because I don’t want YOU to forget even just these dates. I would never forget all the time and days I spent with you so don’t you forget about me or our whole squad in fact. You will live eternally in my heart and memories, I would tell you to my children that there was once this guy, he was never my boyfriend but he’s the best i never had. You were the one that got away. The one I regret not having after so many opportunities. I didn’t tell you all these before because I thought we had all the time in the world but I guess we didn’t. I prayed to God on how much I wanted a big brother, and I realized, that I did get my wish, it was you. I prayed to God on how I wish someone appreciated me, and there you were. You’re everything Timuel. Everything I asked from the Lord. 

Writing this helped me. I can now face it, face the reality that you’re no longer here. It's time to face the music that I'm no longer your muse.  I know you’re in a better place but it’s always going to hurt. But this time, I won’t be selfish. I wish all your questions before can now be answered. I wish you eternal happiness and peace. If reincarnation does exists, I just wish that in another life, no matter what we are, where we are or who we are, your name might no longer be Timuel and I maybe named differently by that time but I wish you would still be in my life and I would be in yours too. I know will see each other again, in a different time, form or place. My soul will always find yours. I promise I will. And when that time comes, I will tell you all these feelings and we would keep all our broken promises together with our squad. In the next life, I won’t let you pass by just that easily. I won’t call you the one that got away anymore.

See you again Timuel.

Thank you, Sorry and Enjoy your ride to Heaven.

Guide us always, give me all the strength I need to carry on and heal.

I love you.