#this truly is word vomit because I didn't have the words to say it elegantly but it's true and that's what matters

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My 2024 In Review:

"I can't do this anymore"

If I had to pick a sentiment or phrase that has followed me around and guide the last twelve months of my life, that would be it. This time last year, I was absolutely miserable. I had a broken toilet and toilet room light that the main tenant of the house refused to call in and get fixed (until early March!), I had all but spent Christmas alone and "I either need to leave permanently or make permanent social cuts and changes in the new year to survive" was part of one of the last posts I made for the year. I didn't know how I was going to do it on a practical note, but I knew that my life had to change and I couldn't go on how I was.

The irony comes when I realise that though just about everything has changed in the last twelve months, nearly all of it was subconscious or out of my control completely. Though there were little things I did including finally drinking water over other drinks 95% of the time (99% of the time at home but I drink other stuff while I'm out), a lot of that came after my mental shift. I've mentioned this a few times on here now, but I am likely to be undiagnosed from my PTSD and bipolar in the coming months if things keep going the way they are. As a base point, I had been going to therapy for about thirteen years and had reached a point of recovery where nearly all of my symptoms could be misconstrued as general anxiety disorder (or even social anxiety) and major depressive disorder and, on any days where it was worse than an annoyance, were nearly always only triggered by one situation in my life. But that was still enough for me to feel like I still needed to get better; especially comparing that to now.

The change came in waves, or, if you want to embrace your inner Shrek, layers. In February, I went to Melbourne; my favourite city in the world and, as far as I know, the current city that an ex friend that I feel a lot of shame over (in regards to our fallout) resides in. At the time, I joked that Maisie Peters was right, by New Year's I was a very different person as a lot of my shame over my wrongdoings in that situation alongside every other bit of shame I had been subconsciously holding onto for years had finally left me in January. Little did I know that that was nothing compared to the mental recovery that was going to come just months later. One day, around halfway through the year, after an extended period of feeling anxious, I uttered the magic words;

"I can't do this anymore"

And like that, something changed within me. From that moment, I've been able to quieten any anxious thoughts with some line of thought alike to "No, I can't do this anymore. This is unimportant and unhelpful" which is something I really don't think I've ever been able to do, even before my diagnoses and specific triggers to get help happened 13 1/2 years beforehand. I was always an insecure child and had a ton of anxiety around that and even in non social areas, I was a perfectionist until the specific triggers that happened just before I was 16. This shift also made me realise just how much my bipolar was linked to my PTSD because it left alongside the anxiety. So, while it has been slowly coming for years, this is by far the calmest I've ever been in my life and happiest I've been since at least age 9 (Siri, play Daylight by Taylor Swift because man talk about seeing daylight after a 20 year dark night). And again, an weird feeling hits every time I think about it and realise that I couldn't tell you how I got here. I'm sure I've hit the "I can't do this anymore" point at multiple times before this year and I couldn't tell you why this time is different. All I can say is that I'm so grateful for it.

The rewards from it all have already started to fly in too. Alongside the general 'life is just easier' benefits that come with good mental health (and money saved from no longer going to therapy at the advice of my psychologist, loved ones and how I'd been feeling for months beforehand lmao), I've genuinely found myself in a place where I love life again and actively want to take care of myself. Like I mentioned earlier, I drink far more water now and don't find it a challenge like I used to, I have plans and goals (including health related ones) for next year, I no longer bite my nails and I recently went to Sydney for the first time since this recovery and despite the fact I have been there hundreds of times before I had a moment where I feel like I fell back in love with it as if it was my first time there. It's also the first time I feel like I can have a future in my city. Don't get me wrong, Melbourne is still the goal, and if anything, this recovery has made me confident that I truly do want to move there as opposed to just running away from here. But I'm also in a place now where if that doesn't happen, I know I can be just as happy here.

I recognise this whole post has been about mental health and not any physical achievements or outings that I've had. So let it be known that they exist too. Like I said, I've had a trip to Melbourne and multiple to Sydney, I've done several hikes and physically healthier than I've been in years (my long covid is another thing I may get undiagnosed from soon, but that's less assured given the industry as a whole is unsure how long covid works still), I've seen Troye Sivan and Noah Kahan in concert for the first time alongside Taylor Swift, Kate Miller-Heidke and The Weeknd for the second (or more in Taylor's case), I had the one of the best Christmases I've ever had, I'm just about finished my first draft of the novel I am writing and I've listened to so many albums and read a decent amount of books; all on top of living my usual life with usual responsibilities. But none of that will ever be as stark as the mental health change I have felt this year. And I don't want it to.

I made posts like this for years before stopping and refusing to make them for the last few years. Historically, up until the year I stopped doing them, either I was doing well mentally or the politically my world felt more stable. When I gave up doing these posts, it was because both had gone to shit and I couldn't fake hope for the upcoming year. This year is the first time I'm going into a new year knowing bad is going to come from both aspects but still feeling hopeful. I can't deny that certain world events from this year and that are coming up in 2025 may/will have horrific consequences for myself and my loved ones. Likewise, on a personal level, my cat who has been very helpful for my mental health over the years is turning twenty in 2025 and given her health has been very up and down the last six months, is likely to die within the next twelve. This time last year, that would have scared the shit out of me and I'd be either in denial about it or having a elongated anxiety episode over it. And obviously I will still be heartbroken over everything I am expecting to happen. But I will make it through whatever comes. And I want this up here to come back to if, god forbid, I fall back into worse mental health. So, to that potential future version of me or anyone else who needs to hear it, don't give up. I got to this point of wellness once and I'll do it again. Because at the end of the day, when it comes to letting the anxiety and depression takeover, I can't do this anymore.