#this time it didn't randomly delete all my text

[the-commonplace-book]

oh i'm going to cry

tumblr ate my post again and this time ate the ask I was replying to with it

i wrote like 5 or 6 hefty paragraphs on copyright law and the tolkien legendarium. twice.

[dovveri]

in my head

synopsis: you're paired with your crush and resident popular girl on campus for a project for the rest of semester

warnings: maybe a swear word or two

w/c: 5.5k

a/n: I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE REQ IM SORRY TO THAT ANON who requested this and also sorry it took me so long to get around to this i just couldn't think of anything to write bcs i alr did the nerd momo x popular reader fic and i fear this trope is too overdone for sana so... there is nothing rly original here LOL i stroogled i lwk wish i did not fill this req bcs i hate this fic HAHHA i gotta learn to say no ><

༺☆༻

“alright class, pair projects for this semester will be randomly assigned.”

there are collective groans from around the room but you only pray that you get a partner who knows what they're doing. you didn't really have a problem doing group assignments all on your own, it was better quality that way anyway, but it'd be nice if someone else could contribute a little every once in a while.

"check your emails for who your partner is. please get acquainted and exchange contact details before next week."

everyone quickly pulls out their phones, laptops, or whatever device they use during class, you follow along, logging in and scrolling to find the correct email.

minatozaki sana.

before you can even conjure up the thought oh shit she's skipping up to your table with a bright smile.

"hi! y/n?"

you sputter, unable to look at her, choosing to fiddle with your screen and panic scroll through random weather predictions and calculator apps. yes, plural, apps.

she's hard to ignore though, bending down and tilting her head so you're forced to look at her. when she catches your eyes she smiles again, "we're working together on the project this semester."

"u-uh y-yeah i s-saw."

"mhmm. wanna exchange numbers now?"

"oh! right yes of course sorry." you fumble, handing your phone to sana. she giggles, taking it from your hand and replacing it with her phone.

"cute background."

"oh that's- i'm not-"

"it's okay y/n. i'm a closet glee fan too." she winks at you, handing back your phone with exceptional speed.

you curse under your breath, quickly typing your number in and handing her phone back, thinking about the brittana wallpaper you have set on your homescreen. why did you have to be such a nerd?

"thanks! i'll text you later and we can meet up sometime this week to talk about the project?"

"y-yep. that sounds g-good."

she smiles that bright, blinding smile again, turning with a flourish and skipping over to her friends.

you were so fucked.

༺☆༻

minatozaki sana was the most popular girl on campus. captain of the cheerleading team, notorious for her ditzy charm and line of admirers. girls like that weren't exactly the type to be top of the class or put much effort into their studies. they were already guaranteed shoo-ins at major marketing or HR firms that liked pretty faces to hike in business, if they weren't already signed to modelling or acting gigs that was.

it also didn't help that you were at the wee end of her long, long line of admirers. you hadn't intended to fall for her. you knew it was completely unrealistic, you'd bet she didn't even know your first name until she got paired with you. so you knew what you were getting into when you first started paying a little more attention to her in class, noticing small things about her like the way she'd scrunch her nose when she was confused or didn't know how to do a question, or the way every time she'd get even remotely excited her left foot would start tapping, like a puppy wagging it's tail when it gets excited. you couldn't help but notice these things and who could you blame? it was minatozaki sana, you certainly weren't the first to fall for her charms, just definitely the most unlikely to actually end up with her.

so it was fine that you were paired up. totally fine. you didn't mind putting in the extra academic work if it meant you didn't have to speak to sana or even mildly interact with her. you were fine doing everything on your own so that she, or god forbid, any of her popular clique would never be able find out about your embarrassingly impossible crush for sana.

santana💜: hi! is this y/n?

you blink down at your phone. this was not who you thought it was. there was no way.

y/n: who's this?

santana💜: im sana! i named myself santana in ur phone bcs of ur brittana wallpaper ;) yk... ur brittany bcs ur a secret genius and im santana bcs... well our names are kinda similar!

y/n: oh... haha right. yeah this is y/n

santana💜: would u be free to come over tmr? to get a headstart on the assignment? or i can go over to urs instead if u want :)

y/n: oh it's fine sana u don't have to pretend to do anything. idm doing the whole thing and submitting for both of us i won't tell the teacher dw

santana💜: what?! who do u think i am y/n?! im not just going to let u do the whole thing on ur own! come to mine 8pm tmr ok? i'll text u the address later

you stare down at your phone. okay so that plan wasn't going to work. you could be cool though. this would be fine. totally fine.

y/n: ok

༺☆༻

you knock on the door of the address sana gave you after her cheer practice. you had spent the past day overthinking exactly what was going to happen, whether or not sana really did want to contribute or if she was still just doing this for show. or if something even more sinister was planned, probably not by sana, but you'd seen some of the people she hung out with, you wouldn't put it past them to go back to their high school bully ways and pull a prank on a nerd like you, even at their adult age.

but when sana opens the door with a beam, her smile is bright and seems devoid of any hidden intentions. you honestly feel a little bad that you had doubted her when she's looking at you like that. but you remind yourself that sana was just that sweet of a person, she looked at everyone like that, you weren't special.

you cough awkwardly, offering a polite smile and stepping in.

"my housemates are out tonight so we have the whole place to ourselves."

"oh cool."

"do you want anything to drink?"

"just water would be great thanks."

"you can go ahead to my room. it's the second door on the right. the bathroom's right opposite it as well if you need to go or anything. i'll be with you in a sec." she smiles at you again, going off towards the kitchen to prepare some snacks and your water.

you tentatively step further into her home, feeling very out of place, but also curious at the pictures and trinkets everywhere, your first glance into sana’s real life.

you follow her directions, walking towards her room and stepping inside, not really surprised at the pink-tone hues that greet you.

sana’s room is cute. she has polaroids and film prints of her and various friends and family hung up next to her bed, a pinboard with small reminders decorated with stickers and more pictures, posters stuck up with and fairy lights strung across various surfaces.

“sorry it’s kinda messy. i haven’t cleaned in a little.”

you turn at the sound of her voice, suddenly finding her much less intimidating in her pink fluffy slippers, suddenly she just seemed like another girl, not the person on the pedestal that you, and most of the campus put her up to be.

you smile, genuinely this time albeit still a little awkward, “it’s fine. i don’t think it’s messy at all, i like it, it’s cute.”

“really? you don’t think it’s childish or anything?” sana pouts slightly as she settles a tray of snacks and water on the table next to her bed and then sits down, shuffling the various amount of japanese plush toys around.

“not at all.”

she grins then, gesturing for you to sit.

you follow suit, crossing your legs and sitting on the floor, taking out your laptop and papers from class. “so have you had a chance to read over the assignment brief yet? it’s okay if you haven’t, i was honestly surprised you asked to meet up so early, technically the only assignment for this week was to exchange contact details.”

sana slides down so she’s on the floor next to you, knees touching, you don’t see it because you’re focused on the fact that your skin was now touching and she was close enough for you to smell her designer perfume, but she pouts before speaking, “do you seriously think i’m just some slacker y/n? i asked to meet up because i wanted to get this assignment out of the way while it’s still early in the semester. before things get busy and we both get swamped with our other classes.”

“o-oh right i’m sorry! i didn’t mean to… well yeah anyway... so i was thinking-"

"you totally thought i was a slacker didn't you?" you can't ignore her when she peeks around to eye you.

"i- well-"

"it's okay. most people think we're all just bandwagoners and yeah i admit i know some of the people i may be... affiliated with are those types of people, but i'm here because i wanted an education and i'm serious about it. so don't try and do all the work on your own okay? we'll split it evenly."

you're more than embarrassed now. you had boxed sana into a stereotype that she was obviously aware of and actively against. “right i’m so sorry oh my god- i didn’t mean to- i-“

she laughs then, hitting your shoulder playfully, your skin burns at the contact, “it’s okay y/n! you’re adorable. thanks for wanting to do everything at first but i can handle my own and i won’t let you down!”

you blush, looking back down to your papers but comprehending none of the words on it. "right. i'm sorry again... and thank you." you manage to mumble out.

sana giggles internally, finding you very cute. and she loved cute things as evidenced all over her room.

༺☆༻

the following weeks you start spending a lot more time at sana's place, to the point where you've met all her roommates and their partners, and it doesn't feel weird for them to see you around the house. it was a pretty rigorous assignment and it involved a lot of hands-on research and time dedicated to it.

you're still complete strangers at school though, sana was still the popular it girl, always surrounded by groups of people, while you were the nerdy nobody.

so it definitely comes as a shock when sana slides into the seat across from you while you're eating your lunch peacefully alone in the cafeteria, mindlessly scrolling through tiktok.

your eyes almost bulge out of your head when you look up and see her bright smile, scrambling to make space for her and take your airpods out, almost knocking your juice popper off the side of the table in the panic.

"s-sana! what are you doing here?!" you're pulling the straps of your bag towards you so it's no longer occupying the table space opposite you, that obviously meant that spot was occupied, a cue sana chose to cheerily ignore.

"just saw you eating alone and wanted to join you!"

"o-oh. you don't have friends waiting for you?"

she shrugs, plucking a fry off your plate, "not really."

you shrink into your seat as you feel the eyes of the cafeteria land on you and sana, whispering and pointing at you. you’ve never wished more for the floor to swallow you up than in this moment.

“so i was thinking-“

“sana! what are you doing here?”

oh no. you did not need any more attention on you right now. least of all from park jihyo, student council president, and kim dahyun, student council treasurer, both of whom were on the same level of popularity as sana with just as many admirers.

jihyo slides in right next to you while talking across to sana, dahyun happily greeting sana and sliding in next to her with her lunch tray.

“jihyo! dahyunnie! i thought you both had a student council meeting right now?”

“got postponed. our secretary fell sick and we can’t proceed without her so we just decided to wait until she got better.”

they fall into easy conversation while you shrink even further into yourself, squeezing your arms into your sides so you’re not made known to the other two who still haven’t acknowledged your presence.

“ugh practice was such a drag today.” yoo jeongyeon slides in next to you, still in her lacrosse uniform, throwing an arm over your shoulders without seeming to realise who you were. you flinch at the action.

this was so not happening to you right now.

hirai momo slides in next to sana, eyes trained only on her tray as she mumbles a greeting with her mouth full with food already.

oh good lord what did you do to deserve this?

at least you’d met momo before since she was one of sana’s roommates but she still only really knew you as ‘sana’s project partner’. the others you’ve only seen from afar, and until now you were half-convinced they weren’t really real, too far up the social ladder to ever be associated with the likes of you. jeongyeon was the star lacrosse player and team captain of your school, which was renowned for it’s lacrosse team. hirai momo was apparently roped into playing lacrosse but really excelled in the world of dance. apparently she’d already had experience touring as backup dancers for major hit singers.

jihyo wrinkles her nose, speaking over you to jeongyeon, “yoo jeongyeon you stink. didn’t we allocate an extra $3000 to shower renovations last year? we did not do that so you could continue to sweat all over me.”

jeongyeon sticks her tongue out at jihyo, “i was hungry. besides i’m not sweating all over you. and you don’t mind do you- wait- who are you?”

your eyes widen when you realise jeongyeon’s now addressing you, and then suddenly the entire table’s eyes are on you.

you feel your face going bright red, coughing awkwardly and staring down at your plate of food. “u-um-“

“this is y/n! she’s my friend!”

you look up to see sana beaming at you.

“oh… how do you guys know each other?”

“we were paired together for that pair project i was talking about- you know for my class about sustainable engineering? momoring knows!”

momo grunts in acknowledgement, offering you a fleeting smile before returning back to her food, not entirely interested with this conversation.

“wait- how does momo know her and i don’t? momo spends all of her time in the dance studio, and if she’s not she’s only ever focused on food!”

“maybe you should be a better student council president and know all your students then hyo.”

im nayeon, co-head cheerleader along with sana, her title alone demonstrating her popularity status, teases jihyo with a grin, standing at the end of the table in her cheer uniform, commanding all attention from anyone who wasn’t already watching your table in curiosity.

“oh shut up nayeon.” but jihyo quickly turns to face you, offering a hand and a bright smile, “hi y/n! it’s nice to meet you! i hope we haven’t been giving you too much trouble.”

you quickly shake your head, taking her hand gingerly, surprised at the strong grip she has.

“momoring and nayeonnie have already met y/n because she’s been over at ours a lot to work on the project together.” sana perks up again, and then looks at you again, not that her eyes have really left you but you didn’t know that, “sorry for all this by the way. my friends are obviously people blind.”

“speak for yourself sana. the amount of times you’ve called out the wrong name in bed-“

sana flushes bright red, shooting up and slapping a hand over nayeon’s mouth while the others crack up in laughter.

"ignore her y/n. she doesn't mean that."

sana smiles through her teeth while nayeon makes muffled sounds of disagreement, and honestly it is a little funny so you can't help but laugh alongside them.

in the end, you don't mind too much that sana's friends invaded your lunch time. they were a lot less intimidating than you had thought they would be, similar to how you had judged sana prior to actually spending any time with her. it was still awkward to feel the eyes of jealous onlookers but sana stealing food off your plate every few minutes and making sure you were included in the conversation was enough to make you feel welcome and ignore those looks.

༺☆༻

"y/n! i got those projections we were talking about last week." sana bounds up to you outside your lecture hall.

"sana? how did you even know i had class at this time?"

"i asked around." she shrugs as if it wasn't a big deal for her to actively be looking for you and for her to know your schedule, "here- what do you think?" she hands over a few documents and you shuffle to the side so students can continue moving in and out. that also meant you were basically boxing yourself into the small corner next to the door with sana blocking your way out. you can feel a few weird glances look your way, wondering how you of all people knew one of the most popular girls on campus.

"it looks good sana."

"great! are we still on for tomorrow night? coach put nayeon and i in charge of practice this week but i may have bribed nayeon into running it herself so we can spend some more time on the project without her nosy self at home."

you nod, handing back her papers, "yeah, i'll be over around 6?"

"sounds good! see you then!" and then she's kissing your cheek and flying off before you can react, your hand coming up to touch where she had pecked you seconds after she's gone.

"-don't know what she sees in them."

"right- you think y/n's paying sana or something?"

"no way sana would do that though. i bet she's just using y/n for help with study or whatever."

"nah i've seen sana's marks, she doesn't need the extra help. maybe she's just toying with y/n. could be a dare or maybe she just has a nerd kink, or wants to try it out once and drop her."

"oh true hahaha i'd almost feel bad for y/n but it is pretty funny watching her prance around sana like she has a chance."

the sounds of laughter drift down the hallway as you stay rooted to the spot, completely invisible to the rest of the student body.

were they right? was sana just pulling you along? fuck you were so stupid. of course she knew you had a crush on her. everyone had a crush on her. you thought you knew sana but now you were starting to doubt your perceptions of her all over again. ugh you couldn't do this. you felt so embarrassed thinking about the amount of time you've spent with sana. all that for her to just be stringing you along, maybe even laughing behind your back with all her friends, you were so stupid for thinking you'd ever move out of your miserable social status. you were at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and she was at the top, it would always be that way, and people at the top don't want anything to do with people at the bottom unless it's for their own benefit or entertainment. sana was not an exception.

༺☆༻

santana💜: hey u still coming over? i maaaay have tried to cook dinner for us both even tho momo always warns me not to step foot in the kitchen and ig she was right this time... so i'll order takeaway? thai food okay?

santana💜: everything okay? sorry if thai food wasnt ur style >< i can order sth else instead but the foods getting cold :((

santana💜: im guessing ur not coming :( hope everythings okay w u!! ill see u at school soon 🥺

༺☆༻

you’ve been trying your best to avoid sana ever since you overheard what those people thought of your relationship with her. it was difficult when she would send you daily texts asking where you were and how you’ve been, even i miss you texts with the little sad face emoticon that had your fingers aching to text her back but you resisted. this was for the best.

but of course as soon as you started avoiding her you also started seeing her around campus a lot more than you used to. she’d pop up everywhere you were, at the library, in the hallways, on the fields, you’d always manage to shy away from her gaze but you don’t think she was doing this on purpose. maybe it was just the fact that because you were avoiding her, you were a lot more noticeable of her presence.

it was hard to keep this up though, especially when the time of the week came that you shared the class you had been assigned project partners in. you had seriously considered faking sick when you woke up in the morning, thinking she could manage class on her own and you’d just email her your parts of the assignment or something. but you got out of bed reluctantly and trudged to class, coming up with as many excuses as possible for having not responded to any of her messages and ditching your last meetup.

you sigh in relief when you walk into class and see that people are still milling about, slowly trickling in, and sana’s seat is still empty. you slink to the back of the classroom, pulling your hood up and turning on your laptop to tap mindlessly at the keyboard, hiding your face behind the screen.

you can hear when the class starts filling up, sliding down further in your chair and avoiding eye contact with everyone.

you can also hear the moment sana walks in, flanked by her friends with that high-pitched laugh and sunshine energy, the class suddenly seems twice as bright as it was. god you missed her. and that was pathetic of you! she didn’t even care about you! you stay resolute in your avoidance, only allowing yourself a second to bask in her voice before closing yourself off again from the outside world.

it’s only when the teacher walks in and starts reading the roll, that you have to squeak out a small ‘here’ when they read out your name. you avoid her gaze when you speak up but you can see in the corner of your eye, sana whips her head around and stares at you with wide eyes, her mouth open in surprise. you shrink back down but she continues to stare at you for a few more seconds before frowning and facing back forward when her name is called out.

you spend the rest of class hiding behind the screen of your laptop, formulating a plan on the fastest way to get out of class once it's over so you don't have to talk to sana.

unfortunately, the teacher seems to have taken notice of your lack of participation, when usually you're the only one in the class who is able to answer their questions, or even mildly paying attention, so you're pulled back when you try to escape, the rest of the class chattering excitedly while leaving class.

"what's wrong y/n?"

"nothing. sorry, just not feeling the best today."

the teacher eyes you, "is the pair project going alright? you didn't sit with sana today."

you gulp, "it's fine."

"are you sure? if sana's making you do all the work you'll tell me won't you?"

your eyes widen, "no! no sana's a sweetheart she-" you catch yourself, sana wouldn't really be a sweetheart if she was playing with you would she? "she's been great, she's contributing and pulling all of her own weight and more. to be honest... i'm probably the one who's not doing my part right now..."

the teacher hums, "alright y/n. let me know if there's anything i can do for you. go home and rest."

you nod, adjusting the straps of your backpack and trudging outside.

only to find sana waiting outside the classroom with her arms crossed, tapping her foot in the way she does when she gets annoyed.

as soon as your outside she doesn't spare you a second glance, grabbing your wrist and dragging you to the closest empty classroom and closing the door behind the both of you, standing against it so you have no way of escaping.

"wh- sana! sana what are you doing? i have class!"

"no you don't. the only class you have on wednesdays is the one we share. after that you normally go home or to the library before getting dinner outside."

"what- how do you- have you been stalking me?"

she frowns, "have you been avoiding me?"

"i- what makes you think that?"

"you didn't come last week. and you haven't been answering any of my messages. and i'm not stalking you i just thought we were friends and i like to know my friends' schedules, so when you didn't turn up to any of your usual study spots...i got worried. i thought you were sick or something. but then i saw you at the dessert shop outside the council centre where i volunteer and you didn't look sick at all. in fact, as soon as you saw me you were healthy enough to run off."

you gulp nervously, stepping back, only for sana to step forward. your eyes flit around, looking for any possible exit or distraction, anything would be better than confronting sana right now.

"i just- um- i-"

sana pouts, "did i do something? you'd tell me if i did right?"

"no! you didn't do anything. i just- um-"

she raises an eyebrow. you fiddle with your fingers, unable to look her in the eye.

"w-what do you want with me?"

sana doesn't seem to expect this answer. "what do you mean?"

you sigh in frustration, running a hand through your hair, "it doesn't make sense. why would you want to be friends with me? you're popular and smart and beautiful and you don't hang out with people like me."

"is that what this is about?"

"no- well- yes- i overheard the other day, some people talking about how you were only using me or that you didn't have good intentions with me and i just- i didn't know what to do."

"and what do you think?"

you look up at her then, her gaze is steely, there's no hint of her usual smile. "w-what?"

"is that what you think of me? that that's the kind of person i am? that i'd do that to someone?"

you're taken aback, "i- n-no! i-"

"then why did you listen to them? you're not stupid y/n i know you can form your own opinions on people. you're not like the others, or at least i thought you weren't. i didn't think you'd judge people off of what you've heard about them, i thought we were friends y/n."

"i didn't i- we are- i just-"

you take another step back, needing to create distance between the two of you, needing to think without sana's presence making your head all muddy. but with each step back you take, sana takes one forward.

"was there something else? were you looking for a reason to avoid me?"

another step back, another step forward.

"no! i- i didn't-"

"tell me the truth? please?" you're backed into the wall, nowhere left to go, and sana only steps closer. you can feel your heart rate picking up at her proximity, she's looking up at you, puppy eyes and a pout on her lips, you were so weak.

"n-no i don't- there's nothing else-"

"hmm." she's so close you can see the way her eyelashes flutter when she blinks, can feel her breath on your lips.

you can feel how hot your cheeks are, sweat collecting in your clenched fists. she's studying you, eyes flicking over your face, when your tongue pokes out to wet your lips, purely out of habit and stress, her eyes dart down and watch the movement, snapping back up to your eyes once you were done.

and then suddenly, she blinks and there's a change in the atmosphere. there's a curl of her lips, her eyes conveying something you can't quite decipher.

"do you... like me y/n?"

you blush impossibly brighter, "i-i- well- i-"

then her lips are on yours, just the barest brush of her skin against yours, like a sigh against your lips, but when she pulls away, she doesn't go far, her lips still hovering over yours, looking up at you through her eyelashes.

"it's okay if you do."

you're completely dumbstruck, hand twitching, wanting to reach up and feel your lips, to see if this was really happening.

"because i'd be lying if i said i didn't find you attractive."

your mind goes blank, struggling to catch up. "w-what?"

"i don't kiss just anyone. nayeon may have made that comment about how many people i bring home but none of them compare to you. you're different. you don't want me just because i'm pretty and easy."

"i- i-"

she leans in, pecking you softly again, before leaning back fully to give you space, turning on her heel. "think about it y/n. once you have an answer, stop avoiding me. you know where to find me." and then she's stepping outside the classroom, and you feel like you can finally breathe again, letting your brain catch up to what your body just experienced.

༺☆༻

it takes you a few days to fully come to your senses.

sana stops actively searching for you, but you still see her around campus, only she seems to have decided to give you space, not acknowledging you if you saw her in public or walked past her.

so sana obviously knew you liked her. it just didn't make sense that she could like you too. you took days trying to find any way this could've happened, tracing over every interaction you've had with her in your head over and over, trying to find any clues for her feelings towards you.

it crossed your mind briefly that this was another one of her possible ploys to embarrass you. but she was right when she confronted you, you didn't think she was that kind of person, and none of her actions or the time you've spent with her indicated that she was that kind of person, you needed to trust your own eyes and feelings, sana was being genuine.

it just baffled you how this was possibly genuine, how it was possible for sana to like someone like you. and the only way you'd be able to find out was to talk to her.

you inhale, standing outside sana's apartment. you knew momo had dance practice at this time and nayeon had told you she wouldn't be home because she was meeting up with some friends, so it would just be sana at home.

you knock tentatively, stepping back and collecting your thoughts.

it doesn't help though, because when the door opens, all comprehendible thoughts fly out of your mind, replaced with the mental energy required to memorise sana, her hair up in a messy bun, oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, large glasses on, looking like she just woke up from a nap.

sana's eyes brighten when they see you, leaning against her doorframe and raising an eyebrow expectantly.

"h-hi sana."

"hey yourself. what are you doing here?"

you take a deep breath. you had prepared for this. "why do you like me?" well that was not what you had prepared.

sana smiles amusedly, "i told you. i like that you see me for who i am rather than who i present myself to be. i think you're very cute, you get along well with my friends, you're incredibly smart, and even though you think a little too much over what other people say, we can work on that."

your eyes widen at her answer.

"it's simple y/n. do you want to be with me or not? don't overthink it. we can work out any issues that come up overtime."

"i..." you look down to your feet, blushing, then looking back up to her, "yes. i do want to be with you."

sana grins then, not missing a beat, swooping in and kissing you gently, tasting of berries and sunshine. when she breaks apart, finally welcoming you into her apartment, she teases, "i finished our project by the way. you owe me. but i'll accept kisses as payment."

you whine, finally letting yourself be free around her, no longer hesitating to do what you've wanted to this entire semester, bring her up into a kiss that hopefully makes up for the utter loser you've been in her presence.

[phamminji]

moving along

non-idol!yu jimin x fem!reader

synopsis: part of ❓

wc: 2.3k

"what's your problem?!"

"you're the problem, y/n."

jimin regretted saying those words, back then and even now. the argument that lasted five minutes felt like five hours but that was all it took to crumble down the perfect relationship you thought you had.

jimin knew she was the one who fucked your relationship up but her senseless pride didn't want to admit it. knowing the fact that you wouldn't come back to her again, not that night, not anymore.

but still she waited for your calls for weeks end, graphing texts to your chat only for her to hastily delete it, hoping you were the one who reached out to her first. although jimin did send out a few messages on some drunk occasions, it didn't really matter anyway since you couldn't see them.

jimin slumped into the bed as she reached for her phone on the night table, occasionally wincing from the head pain, starting to sober up the little hangover from last night's drinking adventures.

it's been months since jimin broke up with you but her mind was only flooded with you. caressing the pillow on the other side of the bed, that used to be yours. she swears she can still smell the scent of you from time to time.

making her way downstairs, she reminisces the times where you would be cooking breakfast for the both of you in the kitchen. how jimin wishes she could still hold your hands and wrap her arms around your frame and give you kisses, living in a world where the two of you lived happily together.

jimin misses everything about you. she slouches on the couch as that thought floats about her head for the ninth time that day. she misses the way your eyes form crescents when you smile, the way you hug her, compliment her, how caring you were, the way the words baby, my love rolled out of your mouth, how you were so kind towards other people, how easily everyone finds you likeable-

how everyone finds you likeable. too likeable.

jimin scrolled through her social media recently, like she does every once in a while and she had randomly come across a picture of you and another girl. the space between the two of you was a little too close for comfort for jimin. seol yoona was it? she confirmed her assumption when she clicked on the tags, scanning through the comments.

jimin remembers you mentioning about yoona before. part of your friend group and someone who jimin had to 'watch out' for. jimin scowls at the remembrance that yoona had confessed to you as a joke at a party before. or was it a joke?

she knows she isn't in the position to feel that there was anything wrong even if the two of them had something going on between them. but why- just why does her heart feel shattered? she feels torn, stinged like a splinter that she couldn't take out. all the rage, anger and hurt inside her boiling with the thought resurfacing every now and then. she knows she shouldn't be feeling like that. she doesn't have the right to.

the thought that you might have already moved on from her, but not only that as you could already possibly be together with yoona etches a frown on jimin's face.

she hates this feeling, utterly.

jimin clicks her tongue, rolling her eyes as she sends a few messages to her friends. it was going to be another long night of alcohol for jimin.

☆

"why the sudden meet up?" aeri questions jimin when she's settled in to the space next to her.

"did you downed all of this already?" yeji asked, holding a bottle in each hand from the opposite side of the booth.

"thanks for coming, guys." jimin talked with a slight slur. "there's no specific reason... i just... wanted to drink." jimin sighed as she lied through her teeth, hoping her friends would take the bait, but of course she knew her friends were smarter than that.

"you called us out... just to drink? don't lie jimin, we know you better than that." ryujin protested, her sharp gaze always making jimin feel like she couldn't fly a lie pass the short-haired girl.

"i'm just-" jimin was still at least half sober, she couldn't get the words out of her throat as she took another bottle and downed a few gulps, "just... missing someone today..."

the other three girls throw each other a knowing glance as yeji sighed, "jimin. is this about y/n again?"

"ah ah ah, let's not mention her name, shall we?" jimin's face glowers, downing the remaining half of the bottle.

is it bad that i'm hoping that you're broken

is it bad that i'm wishing you're still broken

that you haven't found fish in the ocean

"how is she?" jimin is the first one who breaks, after what it seemed like five minutes of silence. she knows why her friends don't answer her questions about you. you were their friend too and they knew jimin had done it wrong big time.

"is she dating someone else?"

another five minutes seem to go by and nobody wants to give jimin an answer, that is until aeri breaks.

"she just looks fine. at least to me. in the least, she isn't crying about you anymo-"

"aeri, you do not know that." yeji cuts off the japanese girl and sends a fierce glare to her.

"i know. i know." aeri defends herself as she hold her arms up, "i just- wanna help them."

"you're not helping them in any way by doing this, aeri. this is their problem to solve. not ours." yeji emphasized, before turning to jimin, "look jimin, the two of you are our friends. i love you but i can't understand why do you care so much about her anyways? weren't you the one who broke things up with her?"

"i know! i know. i know i'm the stupid one. i know i'm the one who ended things. and now i'm the one regretting it but i can only blame myself... i just... don't know why i couldn't admit it earlier. i keep thinking about her, it's gonna make me go crazy." jimin buries her head in her hands as the other three girls watched her sob to herself.

although yeji knew better than to feel sorry, she couldn't help but to feel bad for jimin. as much as she loved seeing the both of you when you were a couple, there had to be a reason why the two of you split apart. yeji had always been there for you. she knows jimin is her friend too, but she wanted to tear jimin apart for breaking your heart. she had watched you cry and sob and scream into your pillow, whenever you looked back at the memories you and jimin shared. as much as she could understand that you missed jimin dearly, she couldn't understand why you would still hold onto your love for her. the amount of heartbreak she felt while looking at you is something she swore to ryujin she would never make her go through.

as her gaze falls upon ryujin, the said girl tapped on her arm, "i think jimin fell asleep."

"let's go guys." yeji said as she stood up from her seat. "we'll send you home, aeri."

"what about jimin?" aeri asked. "is it safe to leave her here like this?"

"don't worry, i've already arranged for someone to take her home."

"oh, alright."

to: y/n come to XXX bar, jimin is drunk. could you send her home? i know you still care about her and this might be a wrong decision i'm making. but i know you need answers. although a drunk jimin isn't the best option, it's all i can offer you. if you don't want to, it's fine.

from: y/n okay. i'll be there in 15.

from: y/n thank you, yeji.

☆

you winced at the smell of alcohol once you had stepped foot into the bar. you never really liked alcohol in general neither were you a person who liked going to these kind of places. the things you do for jimin. were you going to tell yeji you actually needed to take five minutes of deep breaths outside the bar before entering because you were nervous to see jimin again? absolutely not. you didn't know why you were so nervous for. you were just going to bring jimin home, settle her down and you're back home, end of the night.

it's been months since you last seen jimin. you always thought she'd come around and tell you to come back after you left her house that day. but the day never came. that day. a day you didn't want to remember but it's forever etches in your mind that you couldn't forget.

what made you so angry that day? what were the two of you arguing about? what made jimin say that you were the problem? why did she say that? these questions floated in your head for months as you tried reaching out to her, searching for the answers to your questions. but to no avail, she blocked you.

you sigh as you spot jimin, sprawled all over the table.

it's been months, and yet, this woman was still pulling at your heartstrings. why was it so hard to let this woman go and just continue on with your life?

come on y/n. just send the girl home and on her way. then you'll go home once again like nothing happened.

you grabbed one of her arm and slinged it around your neck, trying to get her to stand up, "come on, jimin. let's go home."

"yeji?" jimin slurred, "is that you?" as jimin brought her face closer to yours to get a closer look.

you winced again as you could smell the alcohol from her breath, "yes. it's me. let's go."

the car ride to jimin's place was nothing special. just jimin murmuring a few mutters and you trying to keep your heart intact from jumping out of your chest, reminding yourself that she was the one who had broke your heart and made you feel sorrow.

"jimin, we're here."

with no response, you shift to her side and release the buckle.

"jimin." you try waking her up again, tapping her on the shoulder.

which seemed to work as jimin got up from her slumber for a short moment, still not recognizing that it's you and not yeji.

"yeji, could you help me to the room? my feet feel funny."

you wanted to break a smile as you walked over to the passenger's side of the car. jimin was just goofy as always, just like you remember her to be.

while walking up the stairs, you could feel jimin's face rested against your neck. "yeji... why do you smell like y/n...?"

keeping your silence, you opened the door to her room, as you admired the small area. it was just like you remembered it, where jimin placed her headsets, the clothes she liked to wear as you continue glancing around the room, the photo she took for the both of you was still pasted on the wall.

you felt jimin's hand on the back of your neck, "y/n. i know it's you. this perfume... is yours."

you didn't want to turn around to face jimin. especially not when she had already recognized you.

"y/n... please... can you give me one more chance? please don't be with her... i missed you... so much." you could feel yourself shivering as jimin whispered those words into your ear, wrapping her arms around your waist.

"it's not that easy jimin. do you know how long have i been trying to get an answer from you? you always close up to yourself. was it me that was in the wrong? do you know how long have i been thinking to myself, maybe i was in the wrong, but i never knew what was i in the wrong for." you pull jimin's arms away and you turned to look at her.

"i love you, y/n."

"i don't need that right now, jimin. what i need are answers. how are we going to fix the problem, how am i going to fix my problem if i don't know what the problem is?"

jimin cups your cheek with one hand, then the other. without saying anything, she dives for it. holding your cheeks tight, pulling you into a desperate kiss, her lips moving sloppily against your frozen ones.

this is not what you want, she's under the influence.

you push her shoulders away, "you can't just break my heart and then try to mend it again, jimin. it's broken. saying that you love me or you miss me isn't going to fix the broken pieces."

you bite your lower lip, trying not to tear up in front of jimin.

"i really want us to work out again, y/n." jimin reaches out to grab your hand but you pull away.

"then why? then why didn't you look for me when i left? how do you want us to work out if i can't even see you trying? why do you only know how to say you miss me or you love me when you're drunk?" the tears now falling down from your cheeks, not even caring if jimin sees you crying.

"i promise things will be different this time." jimin tries to reassure you, but you've seen too much to know it.

"you know what, call me when you're sober tomorrow, jimin. if you mean what you say... maybe i'll consider it." you wipe your tears, before leaving jimin behind in her room, without looking back.

"wait y/n, please! stay with me..."

once you reach home, you flopped onto the floor as you sob to your pillow. once again, all alone. all by yourself, knowing that that phone call will never come.

yu jimin broke your heart again.

SORRY i am late but here it is the first part of the poll! sorry if this sucks, i really lost touch and am very rusty :( thank you guys for 500 ❤️

(this one's for @perfectsunlight @rosiehrs)

[trickster-archangel]

Random thoughts about Hawaii Five-0 rewatch: part 1/?

So, as someone of my mutuals already knows, I'm currently undergoing the exhausting task of checking all the fucking 61 DVDs from the H50 box set before the 30-days guarantee expires, because it's physically impossible to watch them all completely in that time, even if I took 1 month leave. So I'm simply skipping back and forth and leaving the regular rewatch for when my life will be less of a living hell...so, supposedly around 2038...

I have one complaint, which is the subtitles are not completely matching all dialogues, but since my brain only needs them until it's switched to English-mode and I can start understanding it again, I guess it's alright. Second complaint: they're fucking HUGE and OVERLAPPING THE SCENES SO RANDOMLY IT HURTS.

Anyway, I've by now processed only s1-s5, and dude....some things I caught in the deleted scenes (which I've watched entirely) AND in some parts of the commentaries I specifically sought because curiosity won, and which I've never seen giffed or captioned....man, I was so angry and disappointed at times. So I thought I'd be randomly processing them here, no pics sorry, only thoughts.

~~~~~~more under the cut~~~~~~

Thought #1: Alex and Scott goofing around.

Trust me. The gag reels are so much better than you'd expect. At times I was genuinely laughing to tears and god knows how rare it is.

What I loved most was to watch that scene where Alex and Scott start cussing in Italian, and I bet no one who's not Italian could understand a fuck about what they're yelling. Best part, though, were the subtitles, captioning ALEX AND SCOTT: SWEARING IN ITALIAN 😂 Just to make sure what language exactly they were using.

Thought #2: missed chance to make Amber's character less of a plastic doll, or: Why did you fucking cut those 57 seconds?!?!

While watching s5 deleted scenes, I stumbled upon two real jewels from the 24th episode. I'm still trying to understand why they couldn't include them in the canon episode, since both of them combined are less than a minute and surely there were other moments that could've been cut. My only explanation, sadly, is that it would've painted Amber in quite a different light, making her a stronger, rounder character, and giving her an agency we rarely saw in her, except when confronting her ex husband. They could've followed that route, but we cannot have a beautiful woman who's also her own person, a self-confident person, and not just a plastic Barbie doll, right?! God forbid a woman can have agency and call out men on their bullshit, it would threat masculine privilege too much....

So, what exactly happened that bothered me so deeply? (Be aware I'm quoting by heart and not literally, as I didn't take screenshots and anyway I can't make gifs. Also, the following meta is just my interpretation of the implications running through subtext).

The first scene is very short, just six or seven seconds long, but it's a jewel in subtext and non-verbal communication. It takes place presumably after or around the moment Rachel tells Danny about Charlie: we see them from afar, clearly in a street-taken point of view, from an external observer. They are agitated and distressed, Rachel more than Danny, who's tensely spread on the bench with his arms looped behind the backrest, angling far from Rachel's compact and almost self-hugging frame.

They're distressed, not happy, not even remotely connecting to each other, so it's clear it's not a scene which could be envisioned as romantic. It's only a couple of seconds long, and then we see whose this external point of view belongs to: Amber. Amber who's not an idiotic, mellow, shallow doll. Amber who's been so clearly upset by Danny's lie about the texts, that she decided to follow him to the place Rachel had indicated. Amber who's been manipulated and controlled and abused long enough to become suspicious and self-preserving when someone she loves, and who knows her vulnerability, tries to play her around. Amber who looks at them, and clearly isn't angry nor jealous, because those few moments the actress uses to convey all of Amber's inner distress, are some of her best ones (giving that the actress, alas, is not very expressive to begin with), and we understand that she doesn't see any romance in the air. She's disappointed. She's hurt. Betrayed. Again.

Amber's face, in a handful of seconds, perfectly displays the devastating feeling of someone who finally felt safe and respected and secure, only to discover that it's yet another kind of control and manipulation, less cruel, less brutal, but not less humiliating and even worrying.

This is something she's learnt at her expense, and now that she knows the red flags, she cannot trust a man who can't be honest with her, not with this kind of problems, not with something which is clearly affecting his life to a deep level. He wants Amber to be a part of his life, but only if he can control the terms, limits, boundaries and times of their relationship. And Amber has been through it all before, and can't trust that history won’t repeat itself.

She then drives away, hurt and disappointment written all over her face.

The second deleted scene is even more important plotwise, because it explains Amber's absence as Danny’s plus one at Kono's wedding, after all the talk he did in the car about bringing some Amber's friend as Steve's date, and it casts a new light over Danny's reaction to Steve's resolve to ask Cath to marry him, or his tension about Lynn, or Amber's condistent absence for the whole first part of s6, or even Danny's and Amber's fight during their Valentine's dinner.

The scene is longer, about fifty seconds, and it supposedly takes place right at the end of the episode, after Danny pulls up at the hospital's parking lot, after Steve's affectionate text. He takes his phone out of his pocket again because he's received a voice-mail message.

A message from Amber (sorry, I noticed just now I'm still going with Amber instead of Melissa).

She says she's sorry to be doing this by voice-mail because she'd prefer to do it in person, but given their situation it's probably for the best if she spares them both the trouble to be forced to find shallow excuses. She says he's an amazing man, and that she likes what they have and that she thinks it might be real, and that she hopes he feels the same. She's understanding that his job comes first and it's terribly demanding, as she's also aware of how hard his life and his backstory is, with Grace and Rachel. This all considered, she thinks it's best if they stop and take a pause, so that he can reflect and decide if he wants to keep this thing going, but as for now, she can't keep seeing him on these terms.

Amber decided to stop seeing Danny until he decided what to do with their relationship and be honest with her, and started thinking seriously if he was just using her, as she probably felt.

Why?? Why did they cut this whole plotline? It's pivotal for Danny's arc, for his strained and angry attitude towards everyone, for his constant distress, for his even worsening negativity, for the way he's overcompensating with excessive euphoria to Steve's announcement about Cath, for how he meddles with them and confronts Cath about being honest, for how he's not thrilled about Lynn's insertion inside Steve's life.

Because he's alone, at that time. Call it temporary breakup or period of reflection or a break, but he was single and thinking, again, about everything he was doing wrong with his life and his relationships, and falling again into his old black hole of depression and self-sabotage, and seeing Steve going on with his life even at the cost of pretending he was happy with this woman he had supposedly no trouble cheating on, during their "couple retreat", making him wonder if either what he had with Lynn wasn't serious, or if his obvious charade about his threesome with Alyssa and her friend had a second meaning.

Also, they were probably both single again, or at least testing the waters, when they were at the retreat. And Danny definitely was when Cath left Steve once again abandoned, betrayed, and never-chosen in face of anything else.

Quite a lot of subtext to think about, for just 57 seconds which were, prudently, cut.

[an-original-and-a-seriouser]

∘₊✧─────────────-✧₊∘ENDING VIDEO∘₊✧-─────────────✧₊∘

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Outro: Goodbye. My name isn't Blissed. use no and none pronouns. asexuality is simple. I'm not an artist nor an animator nor a writer. A furless, not enemies with many.

I AM FOR HUMAN MADE ART AND SILENT-BACK. ITS SO COOLED DOWN.

This isn't a blog for any of my art, serious words, or staring at rivals.

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My main blogs are randomly placed out of order of how little I want them to have haters /nsrs

@demand-blessed-and-miar <- demand things from blessed and miar

@textmeblisseddd <- not my art blog..

@it-is-human-art <- You find human art and I don't want you giving it a look

@be--afraid--now <- Fluffy poetry and word plagiarizing ACC, really interesting

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INTERACT: POC, normal humans, gays, transgenders, foreigners, furries, human art lovers

this isnt at all what was originally here said but hi yes putting words here hi. i uhm. junxton if youre seeing this your a tumblr sexyman i would let you malewif me i am not coming and also were getting a divorce. also maria can you text me back please i miss you sorry for pissing in hot topic

Hatesubs: Nutdealer, nutdealer 2, The boring reality school, Stanley Parable, DSAF, anE, animalao, Gravity Rises, Builtdestroy, Rocircles, the worm streets, heavenly employee, neverhas house, ambitious, Stephen World, SWTFOG, Unfortunate Signs

Unrythmatic Words: WONT GRASS!!!, Points Way, lime angel, Kcaj Meduic, RJA, Louie Zong, the dead church pew, The Paint Clean, Joe Juliet, Fish unsoesened, nekkidos, ikstiM, Watercity, Newspaper boy, lork ekiM, aniraM

Uncensored: #words (not art, unclear) #smart words (Don't recommend, only serious fucks n pokerfaced posts) #hatemail?? for toi?? (Hatemail i didn't make for you..) #hatemail (hatemail you haven't made for me)

Not my art:

(credits to @a-mimic-and-a-jester)

(as never before, dont touch for low quality)

Banner anarchy: You don't want to use my words as a banner i demand you let me know in a demand and then discredit me in ur user or a random post :(x

∘₊✧───✧₊∘That's not all. I'll delete parts of this as time slows down.∘₊✧───✧₊∘

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//^og credits from of post

[eepyb33]

Chapter 1

This is just a story that I'm gonna be posting gradually. None of this is based on real events, and anything that is similar or coincides with real events is a coincidence.

TW: implied sa, borderline stalking, loneliness (kinda?), non-consensual picture taking, mentions/implied abuse

This started when I was in high school, freshman year. I became friends with this girl who was a year older, and in my choir class. She called herself CG. We weren't really close until halfway through my freshman year, though.

She seemed nice enough at first. She had a nice smile, a funny way of phrasing things to make me laugh, she was sweet. She was way taller than me, but that never really bothered me unless she brought it up to poke fun at my height.

The first time I met her was a big shock to me though, despite how nice she seemed, it was strange. Within our first conversation, she told me her entire life story, from her concerning home situation, to her escape called school.

She and I were friends, in every way girls can be best friends.

I lost almost all my previous friends that year, including two people I had known for more than ten years. They pretended like everything was fine between us, but I knew it wasn't. Nothing was really fine, because why would it be?

How could it possibly be fine if they didn't talk to me for more than six months, ignore my quiet presence in the stairwell that they were the cause of?

They caused me to be alone. They caused it. I stayed in that stairwell reading to escape from that loneliness. That was my escape. CG, the one I had met in choir, seemed nice, so I turned to her. I mostly hung out with her.

It was a school friend situation where you only talked in school, not through text, and maybe calling for plans outside of school once in a blue moon.

I remember when the joke started. It was the rare time when I actually invited someone over. CG came over and we were killing time before going to the movies, she wanted to put on a show, so I let her. I remember being so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I tried to watch for her.

That week I had been doing so much, and I needed a break. My mom had been the one to suggest CG coming over, and me having a sleepover with her. Mama said I was stressed, and that a girls night would make it go away. So I invited her over.

The first few minutes of the show went by fine, but then I fell asleep. I woke up maybe twenty minutes later to CG waking me up, telling me to pay attention to the show. It was obviously pretty important to her, even though I didn't really follow along with the storyline or the characters.

I fell asleep, again. By the time I woke up, it was time to go to the movies. CG was laughing over something in the car on the way there. It was pictures of me sleeping from various different angles. I thought it was funny at first. She said she'd delete it if I wanted, but I brushed it off. I thought it was a one time thing.

Then it happened again on a field trip. I fell asleep on the bus, and she took more photos. I still thought it was funny.

Then it happened, again and again and again and again.

At sleepovers with friends, all the way through sophomore year. She made a collage of these photos. I began to think it was incredibly weird at this point in time.

I was the second most pictured person in her photo's on her phone. Which was a lot of photos. She had many thousands of photo's. She had a whole album dedicated to me.

This was the point when she began to remind me of Ash- and ex-friend of mine. Ash was similar to CG in many ways, but Ash changed at a point in our friendship. And Ash took a dark turn. Ash and CG being so similar is actions should've raised a red flag in my head.

CG began holding my hand randomly, despite telling me she hated touch. CG began hugging me, and being more touchy. She began joking that we were the two gay girls that were best friends, but everyone thought was dating. I laughed it off.

Then something bad happened, and I found comfort in my new friends. My new friend group with CG. New school year, new me, new friends I guess.

I was comforted by my new friends though. They were nice, and made me feel seen. I cried and they hugged me. It was nice. About a week later, CG asked me to date. I said yes, and we only dated for a little bit before going back to just friends.

I was in a musical, and one of my friends, Tal, was running tech. It was getting closer to opening night, and I was spending more hours at the school. It was verging on fifteen hours a day (tech week led me to eighteen plus hours).

"What's up between CG and Lillith?" I asked Tal, both of us having a break in the long hours of theater. Lillith was in the friend group too, and both of them were having a falling out.

"Everyone is dropping CG, haven't you heard?" Tal asked me.

"No... not really. What's... uh... what's going on with her?" I said slowly, my phone vibrating from many messages, probably from CG. CG messaged me so much, that it could be considered concerning.

"CG has been a jerk to Lillith. Well, more specifically Lil's mom. CG has just been so rude to her." Tal went into more detail about what CG has been saying. "People have also been dropping her because she's been a bit obsessed with you."

"What?" and I swear my heart was beating in my brain. It was in my throat, pulsing through my veins instead of in my chest. "She doesn't really... what do you mean?"

"All she talks about is you in conversation with us, she only texts you, she has a concerning amount of pictures of you. There is so much more." Tal said.

"I'm just having..." I brought my panicked breathing down a bit, and stopped my hands from shaking. I wiped some tears from the corners of my eyes, all within a few seconds. Some commotion happened and I noticed another girl breaking down. She was in my choir class this year, and I developed a slight crush on her throughout sophomore year. "Looks like everyone is having a rough night," I commented humorously.

This was when I realized CG was obsessed with me. I realized not only that, but I had allowed this to happen, and that in order for it to stop, I had to remove myself from her.

That was the night I stopped viewing her as a friend.

[froguemorgue]

you know, i need someone to tell this to, and unfortunately for you, you have been randomly selected as that person.

Alexander Hamilton's biracial cousin once removed aka Peter Lytton's son was called Don Alvarez de Velasco (you prolly know that) now as non-spanish speaker what i didn't realize was that his ma had essentially named him Lord de Velasco. and by GOD do i need the story behind it. is it like when black men would be named Mister so that their white peers couldn't sidestep the honorific? was there something else at play? Did they live a good life after Peter Lytton's death? mulattos could at the very least reach the upper rungs of society in the Carribean and being a Lytton has to count for /something/ so did Alvarez ever "rise" in Crucian society in so much as he could? Did his mother call him Don or Alvarez?

ofc, im not asking you this directly. but its just. he's been reduced to alexander hamilton's cousin's bastard biracial son and drops off mention in any text i could find. granted I'm also driving my chariot through that road because i don't know another road. the only other mention i came across was a historical society in st croix hosting a lecture titled with his name and was about the lives of mulattos i think, i believe. i was desperate for some info on this figure that i even wrote a mail to the society that was prolly promptly deleted as spam because of how stupidly it was written

who was he, yknw? i wonder if we'll ever know

did you ever have a figure like this? atp I'm just yappin lmao sorry for the long ask!

HOW DID I MISS THIS? i still love you, sorry, was not ignoring you!!

When you ask about whether I have historical figures like this I wonder about, YES! and they're almost always women or non-white people. We know their names (if that) and their general relation to the White Dudes history focuses on. It isn't often we know much else, even with some deep dives into any primary documents and context that would clue us into the rest. Wish they'd all just keep diaries, hahhaha. Of course that wasn't always possible and so many people, if they were even literate or had the means to keep diaries, wouldn't even write about themselves in complete honesty. History loves writers because their poetry, fiction, diaries, pamphlets, and letters give us more to learn about. Again, it was such a privilege to be a writer at all, and people marginalized by history and modernity are disproportionately affected by systemic erasure of their existence. History is told by the victors, or whatever they say.

I'd say I wonder about most historical figures, but somebody like Hamilton's cousin is up there for sure. His mother has always piqued my curiosity because obviously her ex husband Lavien was a major POS but history remembers HER exactly how he wanted her to be remembered: a whore. It pisses me off when biographers (r-r-r-ron) reduce her to that, and as a result, LMM's impression of her in the musical was much of the same and it's TRAGIC UGHHHH. It's actually so disgustinf that I start to foam at the mouth because what a fucking injustice.

After your message to my inbox and during my subsequent response, I actually started to go on a rabbit hole reading AGAIN about Alexander's childhood because the number of times he moved, the adults involved in his life, and how he was treated because of his illegitimacy makes it hard to remember exactly what went down. Now added to the list: Hamilton's cousin once removed who happened to be mixed. And though I will not reduce Alvarez to a prop on his own, how interesting to better understand Lytton, right? Of course every person's existence contextualizes other people, but with that said, understanding Don Alvarez as his own person is much more interesting. I'm happy knowing as the years go on, more and more colleges and historical societies are funding and publishing research for biracial, Black and Indigenous people in history, as it seems the Liberal Arts College of the Virgin Islands has done. And yet... the lack of readable information about Don Alvarez online is so, so disheartening.

If you can't contact the historian and speaker for that talk on Crucian Lifestyles, your only recourse is to go out there and dig through mountains of archives until you can find it out yourself. curiosity is so draining

[troublesjunkyard]

Trouble, I kinda feel like an asshole.

Over the time I've been on Tumblr, (almost a year) I've gotten quite a few asks (over multiple accounts) from random people asking me to donate money to them for whatever reason.

I usually just delete the asks and move on with life, but I'm starting to get really tired of them.

There's about a 50% chance that they are just trying to scam, and the other 50% of them are actually struggling and need the money.

But those random people who randomly select my ask box annoy me a lot.

Like, I get it, you're struggling, but so am I!

I can barely afford to take care of myself and you want me to donate money (that I don't have) to you?

I'm struggling just as much as you are but you don't see me randomly selecting askboxs to ask for donations.

Then again, I hate asking for help.

That's part of the reason I have such a hard time at school.

Because when it comes down to it, I feel like a burden when I ask for help; whether I'm asking for help with my math or something more important like a bad injury.

If I fell down a 10-foot hole and couldn't get out without help, I would probably die in that hole because I didn't want to ask someone for help because I would feel like I was an inconvenience and a burden.

Anyway, I got off-topic.

Do you think I'm an asshole for getting annoyed at the donation asks?

My worries come from the people who send asks and are actually struggling.

I probably shouldn't be so harsh about it, but as I stated, I'm struggling too.

Maybe not in the same way that they are, but struggling I am.

I want them to stop sending me those donation asks, and I feel horrible about it.

I don't know why either.

Maybe it's because I've seen firsthand with people struggling- my brother, Tylre, he was in a tough spot; he didn't have any money, and he had a toddler and an infant to take care of.

My mom took in Tylere, Shay, (his girlfriend) and their two kids.

She didn't ask him to pay her money for staying there.

My mom took in him and his family for free so that he could get a new job and save up to move out on his own again.

Tylre has moved back in and moved out at least 3 times since the first time he moved out after becoming an adult.

My brother Alex has moved back in and moved out 2 times since the first move out.

I've seen firsthand of people struggling; and not just any people but family members.

And my mom has always been there to help them, even when she herself is having a hard time.

...

Why do I feel so bad about this?

Why do I feel so bad about not wanting people to throw donation asks into my askbox?

Is it because I've seen firsthand of people struggling?

Or is it another reason entirely?

Oh.

See, I typed all this out, then checked my notifications.

When I clicked on your ask, I half expected it to delete all of this.

I wasn't actually expecting it to put me right back here with all of this still typed out after I hit post on your ask.

...

Oh well. :/

Hey Dakota, I still hope you're okay.

First of all, I can understand your struggle. It's hard to see if something is a scam or someone who really struggles. I always look up if this person is a vetted donation. At least it's what helps me with deciding.

Second of all, don't forget you're a minor. Some things are hard for you to manage or to help. You don't really own your own money.

And your family is struggling. You don't have the resources to help even if you want to help.

That don't makes you a bad person. Just because you can't donate doesn't mean that you don't care. So no, you're not an asshole.

You're feeling bad because you know how it is to be at the limit. At least it's how I see it in your text. You guilt tripping yourself.

Please look out for your mental health because I can read how this affects you... Talk if it gets too much. You know where to find me.

Take care and try to get some sleep

(^-^)/💜

[silently--here]

20 Questions for fic writers

Thank you for tagging me @annanother-thing!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 technically, i have one that is currently anon tho so not on my profile yet

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

59,428

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Harry Potter, i also have one Hannibal poem but I haven't posted it

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Unknown number, my wolfstar texting fic

One Last call, sad angsty wolfstar fic

Secrets, trans remus joining hogwarts late fic with hinted wolfstar and minerva/poppy

Visiting the south of France, good severus fic and background james/lily

Eius Astra, t4t Draco and Percy fic soft sweet get together fic

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I should but I don't really, to be fair I haven't been posting much but I'm really very bad at replying and leaving comments and it's something I want to improve at

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably one last call , mind the tags on it if you read it

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm my fic that is currently anon or Eius Astra

8. Do you get hate on fics?

In the past but I just delete it, recently I havent which is nice

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes but I never end up posting much, I want to get round to it but I overthink

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Nope the closest I have gotten to a cross over was my Glitter and gold fic

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope, I am not a good enough writer for that

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, I have translated my own fic as an exercise in writing norwegian but I didn't post it, it is probably full of errors and wrong words

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope and I don't think I would be very good at it, when I was younger I wanted to but I am happy writing on my own nowadays

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I have so many I can't just pick but if we stay within Harry Potter fandom then its wolfstar

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't know, I have a lot of things I begin but don't think I will finish but then randomly I will find myself coming back to them but being realistic I have a wolfstar fic dubbed as the lighthouse fic and I don't know if I will ever finish it or put anywhere

16. What are your writing strengths?

I don't know, I am well aware I have flaws in my writing and I could nit pick all day but strengths idk. I don't write because I'm good, I write because I enjoy it and it's a bit of an escape and maybe someone will enjoy what I write but if not it doesn't matter because I don't need people to enjoy my fics

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I am bad with spelling and reusing the same words, I don't structure sentences well and don't know if a full stop or a comma is needed. I don't really understand the rules of writing dialogue. Theres so much and I wont go on.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

See I never know what the rules are for this and same as Anna I find it annoying when the translations are in the end notes of a fic. I have some wips written with a different language spoken that aren't posted and I have done it with a '/' to separate translation to actual speech. However I do wonder how important it is to my fic that they are speaking a different language or is it not really needed? Idk

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was Harry Potter but idk

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

It's barely written and I can't wait to write more but half hitches and round turns is my wolfstar living on a canal boat fic and ahh i just love it

I'm tagging: @uncannycerulean, @allalrightagain @bluestringpudding and anyone else who wants to do this

[acefaun]

Leon~ Human Love

Synopsis: A human adopted by the Department of Punishments, you sneak into a ball in the Heavens and end up meeting the god of Leo who takes an apt interest in you. This only puts you in a difficult position as the other gods in the Heavens weren’t supposed to know about your existence. 

✨Masterlist✨ Female goldfish!

A/n: I was watching that one ballroom scene in The Labyrinth when I came up with this idea so I started writing and somehow ended up adopting myself to the Department of Punishments in the process. (In posting this, I realized that my text editor randomly duplicates paragraphs. I tried to fix it and deleted the ones I could find, but if there are any duplicates, you might just want to shake your fist at google docs and demand for better treatment.)

–Word Count: 6,541–

There was another ball in the Palace. Another big dance I couldn't go to featuring the great wild lion, Leon, God of Leo. He was the Minister of Wishes and I absolutely adored him. But... There was one catch: I was human.

A long time ago, Zyglavis found me—something he overlooked when doing his Punishments. I was just a kid at the time, but I knew magic when I saw it, and this man had power. He punished the surrounding humans before he found me, an innocent human that obviously couldn't take care of itself. But he was drawn to me; I had stars in my eyes. I didn't really understand what I was getting myself into, but these gods who punished humans took me in.

They reminded me time and time again not to leave their rooms. I was a human, and I wasn't allowed in the Heavens. Of course, I had my friends like Ichthys, Dui, and Partheno who would take me with them when they would do certain tasks or have free time. They weren't afraid to take me out of the palace. As long as I didn't meet with any outside gods then no one would be able to tell I wasn't a god myself. 

But there was one god that got my attention outside of Punishments. He was the God of Leo, Leon, whom I mentioned as being the feature of an enormous ball in the Heavens.

Of course, Partheno was no one to fool when he would catch me watching the Minister in the Punishment's reflection pool. So, with Partheno's help and his excellent style of dress, he gave me permission to attend this little masquerade ball. With everyone wearing masks, their powers were all suppressed anyway, so they wouldn't be able to notice my lack of power. 

The party itself was intimidating. The gods and goddesses there were oddly cruel and judgemental, not that they were especially cruel to me. How could they be? Thanks to Partheno, I might have had the most eye-catching outfit in the ballroom. But I still hadn't been able to lay eyes on Leon. I knew the chances of actually dancing with him were slim to none, but just being able to look at him would have been something. I expected it to be hard to find him between all the people but there I found him standing amongst the crowd, not mingling as people were trying to talk to him, but searching, trying to find something to interest him for the night. He wasn't hard to pick out even wearing a mask. His presence was so noticeable, his power greater than what the mask could hide. 

But suddenly, his beautiful eyes met mine between the sea of gods and goddesses and we stared at each other, a silent call. It was as if bells rang in my head and I immediately tried to make my way through the gods and goddesses. However, with the passing of a couple, I lost sight of Leon and I thought my chance had passed. But the way his eyes called out to me... that had to mean something. I pressed forward, feeling lost as I searched for the man that held such a weight on my heart. I wanted to meet him, to hear his voice, just this once while rank meant nothing between a powerless human and a powerful god. 

Just as I'd begun to feel helpless, my heart jumped at feeling a hand wrapped around mine. Suddenly, I was tugged forward into a chest but before I could pull away my other hand was captured. "You're a bold one trying to pull away from me. I never imagined someone would try to avoid a dance with me; I assumed it was an honor."

My heart jumped at his smooth voice, and I looked up at him. He was holding me so close to him as he directed me to follow his steps, his arm wrapped around my waist. "Lord Leon..." I was actually dancing with him. Zyglavis would definitely kill me. But I couldn't bring myself to try to escape. This moment was... one I always wished for. Though, actually getting my wish granted made my heart race. I couldn't help but feel nervous in front of him, though I knew Partheno would be proud of where I found myself.

Still, Leon looked down at me with amusement in his eyes. "Lord? I believe these masks are meant to make us equals tonight. Though, I believe it's unfair that you would know my name and I don't know yours."

My cheeks heated up at the sound of his voice. I wished I could hear it all the time. "I think everyone here is aware of who you are... Though I have to be honest that the masks are useless if you're going around asking for our names."

"Honest indeed," He leaned closer to me, his hair tickling my cheek as he held me against his chest. "Though, you're the only one I've asked for a name. You've attracted me with your presence and loud wishes. Now, here you are talking to me as no other would dare. You've taken my interest and I only ask for one thing in return: your name."

He wasn't wrong. He deserved that much, didn't he? Besides, my heart rate picked up imagining him even whispering my name. So, I quietly granted his wish. "(Name)..." 

"(Name)," He tested it out on his tongue before musing, "It's not a name I'm familiar with, though it's unique and as interesting as you. I would assume you're not from the palace." I shook my head, knowing that I was playing the role of a low-ranking god with little power. "Then entertain me," he ordered, his eyes darkening as if he found something interesting to play with. "Stay the night with me."

My eyes widened, and my heart stuttered at his request. I couldn't spend the night with a god... I had to leave before Zyglavis found out, before any of the gods staring noticed I wasn't what I seemed. How could I not notice Leon was drawing so much attention to me? I should have known better! He was the center of attention! I never should have brought such attention to myself, wishing to see Leon like this. It was a dream come true, but I had to end it all before it started. Breathlessly, I denied him, "I can't. I have to go." He seemed confused at my words, and his grip loosened as I pulled away, shoving to get through the gods.

His eyes followed me as I left, but he had a mission in his mind. "(Name)..."

I rushed out of the ballroom, pausing only when I saw a familiar face down the hall. I quickly turned to escape in the other direction, but I was called out, "(Name)! Come here!" I froze in place knowing that ignoring him would be a bigger mistake than leaving to go to a ball in the palace. When I turned around, I froze in anticipation as he marched toward me. "What on Earth were you thinking? Do you have any idea what might have happened to you if you were caught? Do I need to remind you that you would be held on trial for trespassing in the Heavens and they would extinguish you? It doesn't matter that you have stars in your eyes, you aren't a god. Do you understand the weight of your actions? Come. You shouldn't be out here."

Laying a hand on my shoulder, he was quick to drag me with him back to Punishments where he would no doubt punish both me and Partheno. I wished that moment with Leon could have lasted forever... 

***

Zyglavis ended up punishing Partheno by giving him more work than usual so he couldn't tamper with my life. Me, on the other hand, I ended up getting stuck with a bunch of books Zyglavis borrowed from the library and he expected me to study up on the laws of the Heavens since I seemed too keen on putting myself in danger.

However, one law stuck out to me. I was disappointed to find that gods weren't permitted to love humans. I mean, I knew that much already, but it was a sin for them to love one human above others. The Punishments gods loved me in a... parental kind of way but did that change anything? They still held me above other humans. Did that mean they were all sinning? 

Rather than worrying about my own well-being, I was growing more concerned about these gods I loved. Would they get in trouble for keeping me? Feeling too anxious to keep it to myself, I grabbed the book and peeked out of Zyglavis' room before making my way to Dui's room. Ever since the night of the ball, apparently, Leon was searching for someone who caught his interest. I had to be careful not to get mixed up in any of that searching business. He probably found a beautiful goddess after I left and took her to his room and wanted to see her again. 

"Excuse me!" I turned my head slightly to glance at whoever was calling from behind. It was Karno, Leon's Vice Minister. He was certainly a god I couldn't let catch me and find out what I was. So, I walked faster, quickly escaping into Dui's room where I locked the door. Of course, I knew Karno was addressing me, but I just had to ignore him. I wasn't supposed to be seen around the palace. Knocking on the door made me back away slowly so as not to make any noise. "Excuse me, I don't believe I've ever encountered a human in the palace before. Come out of Dui's room and I'll be sure to take it easy on you." 

Clutching the book tightly to my chest, I escaped to the farthest end of Dui's room. I made a mistake. I let a Wishes god see me and corner me in Dui's room. To make things worse, he knew I was human.

But I heard a voice that gave me the slightest bit of relief. "Hey, Karno, what are you doing outside of my room?"

Karno tilted his head before explaining, "I'm glad you're here. A human just escaped into your room." 

Dui's eyes widened, and he faltered, appearing nervous for a moment. "A... A human? Oh... You wouldn't mind if I went in first, right? I'll get them." Karno nodded his head and Dui was quick to unlock the door, letting himself in before closing the door again with a nod. But when he turned to look at me, he looked as panicked as I was frightened. "What did you do?!" 

"I- I'm sorry! I was just coming to see you! I didn't know there was another god down the hall. Usually, other gods don't come down here besides you guys." My hands gripped the book fractionally tighter as my mind processed all the things that could possibly happen now that a god found me out. "I was so worried about the law after Zyglavis had me read this book so I came to find you but I got caught and now you're all going to be in a lot of trouble because of me!" 

Dui seemed to panic even more at how terrified I was that I would get them all into trouble. But he took a deep breath. It wasn't like a bunch of gods saw me. "Listen, it was just Karno that saw you. He's a pretty understanding guy. We can just talk to him, okay? You'll be just fine and no one's going to get in trouble. Besides, he'll understand once he sees your eyes." I was nervous, I was an absolute wreck, but Dui seemed to trust that Karno was going to take this well so I had no choice but to sit anxiously while Dui let Karno in. "See, Karno? Here's the goldfish. Perfectly calm, just like I said. You won't frighten them, right?"

Karno's eyes met mine, and he nodded his head. "They do have stars in their eyes. It could explain how they got into the Heavens. Given that they haven't been found by any other gods yet, we'll just release them back on Earth and all will be forgiven." His smile was so kind, but he was ready to send me back to Earth! I couldn't go there! My home was in the Heavens!

As if catching onto my panic, Dui quickly tried to explain the situation to Karno, "Hold on, I haven't explained everything yet. Karno... this is (Name). Zyglavis found them after a punishment once and... they've sort of been living in the Department of Punishments for a few years now... But they're really good! They stay with us and they study and we take care of them. They aren't any trouble. Please, don't tell anyone. They don't have a place on Earth. We can't put them there." 

Karno looked absolutely shocked at what he'd just been told. He'd never heard of a human living in the Heavens—regardless of whether or not there are stars in their eyes. "This human has been living with gods..." My fingers rapped on the book I was holding nervously and Karno obviously took notice of that as he studied me. Taking a deep breath, he finally addressed me personally rather than just mulling over the situation. "That book you're holding... that's about the laws of the Heaven's, isn't it? Have you read it?" I nodded my head nervously. "I take it you understand your presence here is... not favored." 

I nodded my head again, this time adding on to my worries, "But I'm not worried about what happens to me. Zyglavis and the others will get in trouble for hiding me. That might've been what he was always trying to tell me... Please, don't get them in trouble. I don't want them to die because of me."

Karno sighed, tilting his head at how selfless I was. "You're asking me to do something that will only help you for the moment. It's only a matter of time before his patience runs out and you're found. If we don't return you to Earth now, then you will likely have trouble doing so in the future."

Dui's eyes widened as he asked, "Who's looking for them?"

"Your name is (Name)," Karno pointed out, his eyes narrowing on me. "Your name says enough about you. It's not the typical name you'd find in the Heavens and it explains much. You've caused a stir in the Heavens. I don't believe there isn't a god looking for you at this point."

"What?" I drew back in shock. Why would all these gods be looking for me? "I don't understand..."

Karno sighed, seeing that I still wasn't getting it. He thought it would be fairly obvious since Leon was probably the only god I'd ever spoken my name to outside of Punishments. "Leon is searching for the one named (Name). He will not stop until he sees you again. Do you regret gaining the attention of the wild lion yet? Leon doesn't want for much in his position, gods and goddesses included. Even if you are a human... I imagine that's what drew him to you."

My eyes widened. "He knew I was human?" Of course, that made sense. He wasn't stupid, he was very powerful. He could probably tell I didn't have the presence of a god but I had the eyes of one. That was probably why I stuck out to him. Surrounded by all of those beautiful gods was a plain human with no grace and no particular presence. But the fact that he wanted to see me again had my cheeks growing hot. Nothing good could come of a human in love with a god, but he had some sort of interest in me and that made my heart flutter.

Karno sighed at seeing the deep emotion in my eyes. Same as Partheno, he could apparently read my longing expression like a book. "Leon is destined to be King. I suspect even you know your heart is in the wrong place. Please, let me return you to Earth while there's still a chance."

"Karno," Dui repeated himself with a frown, "There isn't a place for them on Earth. Where are you expecting to send them? They don't know anything about being human." 

I was feeling overwhelmed hearing them talk about potentially going back to Earth, but at the same time, I was putting everyone in danger here. Going to Earth was really my only option if I wanted to keep them safe. "I need to talk to Zyglavis." 

Standing up, they soon joined me and Dui asked with furrowed eyebrows, "You're not considering this, are you? You'd never make it on Earth. That's why we brought you here with us. We'll make sure Leon doesn't find you."

"That's a problem we'll get to when we get there. For now, I just need to see Zyglavis. He's the one who took me here, so his thoughts are important to me." I gave them a look that told them I wouldn’t be shaken from my path, so they nodded in agreement, helping me sneak back over to Zyglavis' room where I entered alone. 

As soon as I entered Zyglavis turned to face me with narrowed eyes. "I was worried, (Name). I told you to stay here. You have no idea what's going on out there. You can't go visit the other's rooms any time you'd like. It's-"

"I know what's going on," I admitted quietly, putting down the book that I'd been holding in my hands since making the trip to Dui's room. "We're in danger and it's my fault. I did something really stupid that you were just trying to protect me from. We can't turn back the clock. But... we can fix it by sending me to Earth."

His eyes widened by my abrupt decision. He knew reading those books would get me thinking, but this was the last conclusion he wanted me to jump to. "(Name), I understand this situation may have frightened you, but you have nowhere to go on Earth. You don't know how to be human."

He was putting me above him again. I was just a human, he should value his own life over mine! "I read the books, Zyglavis! You're all breaking laws by keeping me here! Karno told me everything! If I don't go to Earth now, then our time will run out! I understand what's at stake now, I don't think you do."

"You spoke to Karno?" This took him aback, but it made sense. Leon was looking for me, of course, Karno would have been the one to find me. "That doesn't matter. When I took you in, do you remember what I told you? We will take care of you." 

"I don't want you to be extinguished. I want to be on Earth and know that you're still alive." My hands were shaking at the thought that I might lose him. "I wish there was a way... I wish these laws weren't there! I wish I could stay and not put anyone in danger!" 

The door swung open and Dui gestured for me to hide as he said in a hushed voice, "He's coming."

I nodded my head as I ducked behind the bed, being abandoned in the room so Dui and Zyglavis could take care of things with Leon. He had to have been the one coming that they suddenly got all stiff and worried. But a bell rang in my head and my eyes glazed over as I looked at the window. There was a way for me to save them and something was telling me to trust that voice in my head—or the bell in this case. Glancing back at the door, I heard his voice again. Leon... If only I hadn't fallen in love I never would have tried to get his attention. 

I unlatched the window and opened it, taking a deep breath of Heavenly air before jumping out and into the grassy patch below. Luckily we were at ground level so it was easy for me to escape Zyglavis' room. But where was I supposed to go next? The ringing in my head seemed to grow louder and fainter depending on the direction I went. It was leading me somewhere. Walking to a different building—the Wishes Department building—it seemed almost deserted. Of course, everyone was probably out searching the Heavens for their mystery god. But would something in Wishes take me to Earth? What was that ringing in my head, anyway? 

I froze at a sudden thought. The last time I heard ringing was when my wish was granted at the ball. Leon noticed me. All I really wished for was for the others to be safe. Maybe that ringing was a good sign. Maybe everything would be well in the Wishes Department. Taking a deep breath, I walked into the gigantic building. It wasn't much different from the Punishments Department. They were both opposite each other with the Palace between them, but they were both equally intimidating. I supposed I was only intimidated because I only knew gods from Punishments. If I were to get caught in Wishes, no one knew who I was. 

But the ringing seemed to grow louder as I reached a door before it fell silent. My heart was racing in anticipation. This could be the answer to my problems. All I wanted was for my friends to be alright when this was all over with. With shaking hands, I pushed the door open and hesitantly walked inside. I jumped as the door slammed shut the minute I let go of it. I balled my hands into nervous fists as I entered the dimly lit room. I tried to scan my surroundings based on the little light seeping through the windows. I could make out a fountain and a tall four-poster bed on the side of the windows, but I couldn't really see much else. 

"You look lost." I flinched at the sudden voice, but I couldn't see anyone standing near me. He sounded familiar... "What a frightened goldfish. You should be careful what you wish for. You might just get what you want. So why don't you go ahead and say it to my face, what do you want?"

Why was the name slipping from my mind? I knew who was speaking, but the thought was just out of reach. "I just want my family to be safe. They were just trying to be considerate when they took me in. I- I don't want them to die because of me."

"Is that all?"

"That's the thing I want most in this world... After that... I don't care what happens to me. Whether I'm killed or sent back to Earth. As long as they're okay." My voice shook, but I was certain of what I wanted. I knew what it meant to be a human in the Heavens.

"A human... not wishing for themselves... but for others." He hummed. "You're saying I could kill you here and now, so as long as they live?"

Weakly, I looked down at the floor, knowing what I was prepared to do. "I would prefer not to... but I understand what it means to be a human in the Heavens. I'm not supposed to be here."

His shadow moved closer, and instinctively I moved backward, running into the closed curtains. "Are you afraid to die?" His voice sounded amused and immediately I pursed my lips. Teasing me about death was offensive, but there was nothing I wanted to say in case it reflected badly on Zyglavis and the others. He was staring me down; I could feel his eyes burning into me as he offered slowly, "Do as I say... and I will grant your every desire. Every wish you could possibly make..." 

He would grant any wish as long as I did as he asked. Hesitantly, I asked, "Who are you? What do you want?"

"That's in your power to find out, isn't it?" He sounded so sure of himself and it made me frustrated. 

I had everything I needed at the tip of my fingers, but I didn't understand this guy. How was I supposed to know what he wanted? I wasn't a god, and he seemed to know that much. How could a human give a god what they wanted? But I realized that my back was still against the curtains and my hand clutched around the edge. If I wanted to know so badly, then all I had to do was let light into the room and I could answer my question. He said I had the power to do it myself... This had to have been some sort of test. 

He inclined his head as I pulled the curtain aside, revealing Leon standing in the center of the room. "You..." Of course, it was him. I knew it, but I couldn't recall his name... did he do that with his powers? "You tricked me into coming here." 

He gave a slight smirk. "You came here of your own free will. I gave you a simple direction to follow. Now, I believe you know what I'm asking for."

“I don't.”

“Be with me,” his request was simple. “They cannot protect you, but I can. I'll keep you safe. I'll ensure they don’t find out about your little family. So I ask one thing of you: be my goldfish.” 

“Why…?”

“You entertain me.” He tilted his head. “I've known of your existence since they brought you here. You sought me out and I'll, in turn, return the favor. You have the attention you craved, little one.” My heart jumped to my throat as he leaned closer, his fingers brushing against my chin to angle my eyes in his direction. 

I knew immediately what he intended to do the minute he leaned forward. I had nowhere to escape between him and the window. My cheeks heated and a small whine escaped my lips just as suddenly as he pressed his lips against mine. 

At that point, I didn't care that he wasn't romantically attracted to me. I had the attention of the wild lion of the Heavens. I had what I wished for and he expected something in return. But I felt too weak to respond to him. The kiss was too much, drawing tears from my eyes at how powerful he was in just this moment. He pulled away, but not enough to leave my air space. “You're crying.”

“I- I'm sorry.” If I was being honest, that was just the power of a god. 

His hand landed roughly in my hair and he ruffled my hair like a child. “Go home, goldfish. Think. Will you return to Earth or will you return to me?” 

Before I could speak again, he snapped his fingers, and I found myself alone and sniffling in the middle of a familiar hall. “(Name)?” 

“Hey, now. What's this?” I turned at the voices, my teary eyes wide as I found Krioff and Partheno. Leon had sent me back to the Department of Punishments. Still, I only cried once again as Partheno enveloped me in a hug. “Now, what's with the waterworks? Where did you disappear to?” 

Partheno… Krioff… The other Punishments gods… I could protect them. Leon didn't explain to me what would happen in accepting his offer. He just told me he'd grant my wishes. He'd protect them. Alternatively, I could go back to Earth and never see them again. They would be safe. What should I choose? What would be better for them? 

“Okay,” Krioff caressed my cheek, wiping away my tears. “You're fine. Let's get you inside.” 

With Partheno keeping a sturdy grip on me, they took me into the Punishments living room where Scorpio was having a deathly serious conversation with Zyglavis. The second we were in the door, their attention was on me and Scorpio snapped, “Where were you? What the hell were you thinking sneaking out of Zyg’s window like that? You wanna get caught and extinguished?” 

“I'm sorry…”

“You've been getting into far too much trouble lately,” Zyglavis sighed as he finally took notice of my crying. Though it seemed like that's what Partheno was trying to hush them for. “Honestly, what are you thinking?” His voice was soft as he gestured for me to go closer. I was hesitant, but as soon as I was within reach, he was pulling me into his arms, enveloping me in a fierce hug. 

He was hardly one to wear his heart on his sleeve but he was being extremely open, even in front of the other gods. Now… He was holding me tightly, afraid that I'd be taken away if he let go. But I had to go. I only had two choices and neither of them allowed me to stay with the Punishments gods. “I'm sorry I messed up!” I buried my face into his shirt. “I have to go…”

“No,” Zyglavis immediately responded, “No. We aren't sending you away. Karno’s going to talk to Leon. Things are going to go back to the way they were. You don't have to worry.” 

But he was wrong. Karno could talk to Leo all he wanted, I only had two choices here. “I'm sorry…”

“Please, stop apologizing,” Zyglavis pulled away, his eyes reassuring as he gazed down at me. “You're here and that's all that matters.” 

“Yeah,” Ichthys suddenly shouted, the pressure too much for him to stay silent. “You're not going anywhere! You're our goldfish and we're going to keep protecting you no matter what.”

“I know,” Dui suggested with a smile. “Why don't you go take a bath and then we can sit and eat together?” 

They were all looking at me expectantly. Hesitantly, I nodded my head before being ushered off to my room. The bath was a long one. I used the time to clear my head and think of the pros and cons of each option. If I left, I knew I would struggle to fit in on Earth. They were right about me not knowing how to be human. On the other hand, what did I know about Leon? My only other option was to stay with him and let him protect us. Would he still let me see the other gods? What would he make me do for him? 

Even with how uncertain the path with Leon was, it still seemed like the safest option. At least with Leon I wouldn't be entirely lost. He was just another god; he was a minister like Zyglavis. How different could it be to stay with him? 

With this plan finalized in my head, I spent my time with the Punishments gods like it was our last moments together. I couldn't bring myself to return to Leon just yet, so I remained glued to the Punishments gods for just a few more days.

“You seem distracted.” 

My eyes shot up, flitting between Zyglavis and the book I was supposed to be reading. “Ah, no, no. Not at all. I was just… um…” I pursed my lips together, at a loss for a good explanation. “Yeah, I’m distracted. It's been a busy week. I guess I'm just tired.”

His eyes softened at my confession and he patted my head. “You've been pushing yourself too hard. Not to mention your late nights with Ichthys explain why you're so tired.” He sighed as he took a seat beside me at his desk. His gaze was serious as he stated, “You've been clingy.” Immediately, I knew where he was going with this conversation and I averted my gaze. But that only told him he had the right idea. “You're still bothered by what happened. I told you, you won’t be taken away from us. You won't wake up and find us gone.”

I wasn't worried about that. I knew it would break their hearts when I would have to go. It hurt more so because they would never know. “You act like it doesn't bother you, but you were really upset!” I snapped at him, finally turning to face him. Turning the tables on him might make him drop it. “Karno wanted to take me to Earth—I know that bothered you. To think you might open your eyes and find me gone! And it just hurts so much to know how much I could hurt you.” 

I thought I was on the verge of crying, but seeing the tears in his eyes made this feel too real. For once, I really turned the tide on him. I expected it when he finally wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his lap to hold me closer. “You understand far more than we expect out of you. But you don't need to be in so much pain, not for us. All you ever need to know is that we're going to be here for you. You don't have to cry.” 

His warm fingers caressed my cheek, wiping away the tears that fell. “I just need to cry for you right now.” These tears were theirs and theirs alone. He was so certain that he could control the outcome of this, but it was time. This would be goodbye. I couldn't prolong this. Taking a few deep breaths, I accepted what needed to happen, and I leaned back into Zyglavis, wrapping my arms around him. “I like living here with you.” 

He sighed, holding me in return. “I'm glad.” 

***

“See you later, dad!”

That was the last thing I said before I left. Ichthys and I used the term sparingly as a teasing joke. But, for the first time, I meant it. They raised me like fathers but no one was more of a dad to me than Zyglavis. He found me; he kept me; he made all the decisions for me, and he was the last to see me before I walked out of the living room.

He called my name, but I had already vanished from sight when he came out in the hall to meet me. He knew I hadn't called him that by mistake, and he knew I was doing something insanely stupid. 

Though, he'd never find me in time. I was already sneaking over to the Wishes Department to find Leon. Any other day, my heart would have raced sneaking over to Leon’s room. But my heart ached painfully for the gods I left behind. 

“What's a little god like you doing here? Come to find some company?”

My head snapped up, and I found Tauxolouve addressing me while Teorus stood smiling beside him. Teorus commented, “No worries, you can have both of us if you want. You're a cute little god.”

“Actually,” my voice cracked as I tried to correct them. “I'm looking for Leon. He… wanted to see me.” 

Teorus huffed. “He gets all the innocent gods for himself. You sure you don't wanna spend time with us first?” 

“You shouldn't pressure them, Teo. It's rude,” Tauxolouve nudged him before smiling over to me as if he had the same thoughts in his head.

“(Name)?”

Tauxolouve and Teorus faltered, glancing at Karno before looking back at me with wide eyes. Teorus asked warily, “The (Name)? The one he's been looking for?”

Karno sighed, walking over to the three of us. “What on Earth are you two doing with them? Are you alright, (Name)?”

Tauxolouve pointed out slyly, “You two seem to know each other.”

But Teorus waved his hands in defense as Karno shot them a glare. “We weren't doing anything. They're perfectly fine. You can tell Leo that too. We were only keeping an eye out for them. Right, Lou?”

“Right,” Karno replied flatly. “Because the two of you only keep eyes peeled for interesting things. You two are going to keep quiet about this.” The two gods finally quieted down when Karno brought his attention back to me. “Now, let's get you back to Zyglavis before anyone else catches you out here.” 

“I can't,” I answered quietly, my head dipping down in guilt thanks to my sudden departure. “I came to see Leon. I wasn't supposed to get caught up like this.”

“What?” Karno’s head drew back in surprise. “I already spoke to Leo; he dropped the search for you. You didn't have to come all the way over here. Come on, I'll take you back.”

“No,” I shrunk away from his comforting touch. “I decided. I'm going to protect my family. He told me he'd protect them if...” I trailed off, avoiding explaining what exactly I traded for their protection.

“You think Zyglavis would have wanted you to make this choice without talking to him?” His words shook me up, but I looked away from him. His only goal was to send me back to the Department of Punishments regardless of how I felt. “He cares about you. I don't know why you suddenly made this decision, but there was no reason for you to come here and do this.” 

“You don't understand! There's no choice!” I snapped, everyone falling silent. Even Tauxolouve and Teorus were averting their gazes awkwardly. “Please… don't tell Zyglavis. I didn't want to hurt him.” 

“If you return to Earth, he will find you again.”

“Then he won't find me,” I responded quietly, because I wasn't going to Earth. My eyes snapped up at the sound of bells and down the hall I saw the figure of a man. I glanced back at Karno. “I'm doing this for them… Please, don't mess that up.” I took a deep breath. Karno’s eyes followed me as I walked past him with faux bravery. I walked straight to Leon who was waiting. I was sure Leon was the only reason Karno didn't move to stop me. 

Leon’s eyes stayed on the three gods before I stopped in front of him and his gaze dropped to me. He only glanced at Karno before he turned on his heel. The transaction was silent as I followed behind him per his unspoken order.

Karno would definitely bring it up with Leon at some point, but for now it was only Leon and I that understood the choice that had been made.

[heeheesang]

treat

slow dance ☆°`~

as soon as class ended for me, heeseung waited for me outside of my classroom. smiling at everyone who walked out of the room, acting very innocent and even asking the teacher if she needed help, thankfully she didn't.

"hey princess, ready for lunch?" heeseung asked as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

today, his group and my group were going to eat together because jungwon suggested the idea before they went for their game at another school. it's been two weeks, heeseung and i have grown closer and our dance competition was a few days away.

now maybe this is the delusional talking, but heeseung has been leading me and he's been calling me names like princess and hugging me randomly from behind.

"hanni!" i yelled as soon as i saw her, opening my arms wide as i hugged her tightly and almost cried.

it's been three weeks since i last saw the juniors, hanni and jungwon, because of how hard we've been dancing for the competition, i barely even had time to even text or facetime them. it was that bad.

"i missed you so much, kyo unnie!" hanni suddenly jumped and wrapped her legs around my waist, making me stumble back a little but heeseung pushed me back up just in time.

"heeseung. this is changmin and jungwon, you already know them. this is karina and hanni, my girls."

"kyojin, these are jay, jake, sunghoon, sunoo, ni-ki and you know jungwon."

i bowed and got myself a little comfortable around sunghoon, he was really trying to get to know me. heeseung on the other hand was talking to karina and was asking her questions like sunghoon was doing.

it was all okay until karina and heeseung started to flirt a little by little and i admit, i was kinda jealous but i couldn't do or say anything because karina wasn't in the wrong for doing that, she doesn't know i kinda liked him.

but heeseung? was he really straight up flirting with every girl he sees, was i one of his 'girls'? i was really confused but i was snapped to reality when sunghoon tapped my shoulder and showed me his phone, it was a filter of a mustache and it was on my face.

he snapped the picture before i could even cover my face.

"sunghoon!! you better delete that!"

"when's your birthday?"

"in a month... don't even think about it sunghoon..."

"haha! you're so funny karina!" heeseung suddenly laughed out loud, making all of us jump a little, even karina.

"haha.. i didn't say anything tho!"

a/n : oh men! a story plot?

eight | ten

chapters

[hanmi-xo]

CHAPTER 13: “Behind the Gate”

| My Happiness | Chapter List |

Previous | Next ------------------

I was hesitant to message him. I wondered if Hansol told Chan that he gave me his number. Would it have been bad for me to randomly text him like this?

Should I message or not message him?

I stared at his profile picture that he had for his KakaoTalk. His smile always looked good on him.

I bit my lip with hesitation. I have to thank him somehow. Would this be bad? Should I message Hansol first if he told Chan that I have his number?

I closed my eyes.

"Hansol shouldn't be a messager," I mutter to myself. "He's done enough already for Chan and I."

The thought of that boy came to mind.

I wonder if he's okay? He hasn't been himself lately, but then again, I wouldn't really know how he really is like.

I don't particularly hang out with him similar to how I don't really know much about Chan.

I sighed.

Those two boys... what are they like really? I've seen Chan almost all my life, but I hardly know him. I just know how he acts and who his friends and family are.

I should talk to him. I should message him.

I took a deep breath and began typing. I hope that he doesn't think I'm weird. Now that I think about it...

What am I even supposed to say to him?

Should I greet him? Do I ask if he ate? Do I just say thank you for the medicine?

It's been awhile since I actually messaged anyone other than my parents and my siblings.

I mean, there's Minghao, but I hardly message him. If anything, it's only about work. Minghao is kind enough to help me, and doesn't complain about me, but I don't know how to talk to him either.

He mostly carries the conversation at work. We both got hired around the same time, and he helped me a lot since Minyook refused to teach me... even though he's senior...

So, how do I message someone that I never messaged before?

I began to type, but I kept deleting each word. Everything sounded weird to me. I either came off too formal or too informal.

I wanted to yell at myself to get it together, but even with that, I don't think I'll know what to say to Chan.

I groaned to myself. "It can't be THIS hard to text someone! It's just Chan!"

If I don't do this now, I'll regret it later.

I began to quickly type without thinking too hard on what I should say. I pressed send, and immediately I felt myself begin to regret my message.

"WHY DID I SEND IT LIKE THAT!?" I yelled in horror before covering my face with my hands.

Subin (me): Hi Chan. This is Subin. Thank you for the medicine. ^^

I should have got rid of those smiling eyes! Did I come off too casual?

I heard a notification come through my phone. I looked at it with nervousness of what he may say.

Chan: No problem :)

I felt a smile begin to plaster on me. I gazed at his message as if it were a flower given to me.

Chan: Get some rest Subin~

I stared at his messages for a moment. I wanted to admire them before I respond. As weird as it may sound, I could hear his voice through his messages.

Subin (me): I will. Do well in class!

He immediately responded back to me.

Chan: 👍🏼

I leaned back onto my bed and covered myself with my blanket. I felt so embarrassed. My cheeks were burning and I felt butterflies flow in my stomach. I felt myself begin to kick my feet up and down.

I didn't know how to contain myself.

Is it alright for me to be this happy?

I heard a notification come from my phone once again.

Chan: I'll come by and get you some soup from your restaurant.

I let out a small scream. Why did he have to be so cute?

"UGH!" I yelled in my pillow. I tried to calm myself down. "Don't be weird, Subin. Calm down."

I felt my heart begin to beat fast while I covered half my face with my pillow.

Lee Chan.

How are you able to do this to me? My heart can't take it.

~

I heard a doorbell coming from the gate door. It felt a little too soon for my siblings to come home. They usually come home around 5pm because of their extra curricular activities. I looked at the time on my phone.

3:37 pm

I got up to see who could be doorbelling. Upon putting on my outside slippers, I made my way out to see who it could be.

Was it Chan?

I felt a little too excited. I inwardly slapped myself to calm down. But I couldn't stop smiling. I opened the gate door and was ready to greet the boy.

I felt my smile disappear.

"Does Mister and Miss Kim live here?"

There stood two grown men who looked a little too out of the ordinary. One had a cigar in his mouth with a tattoo on his neck and the other man was tall and bulky. He had scars on his face. The man with scars had a deep voice, it was intimidating.

They both were dressed in black suits as if they were business men, but they didn't look professional to me. If anything, they looked like thugs.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Who were these men. Why are they asking about my parents?

The man with the cigar gave me an annoyed look.

"Listen chick. Does Kim Seokmin and Kim Yujin live here?" His voice was rough and raspy unlike the other man who had a deep voice.

I felt myself begin to shake. Do I lie? Do I tell the truth?

He scoffed at me. The scarred man elbowed him.

"The girl's scared," his voice boomed. He looked over at me with a raised brow. "What's your name."

I wanted to speak. A part of me wanted to say another girl's name, but what if they found out that I lied? What would happen to me?

These men... they don't seem like the type to play around. If I mess up- they'll probably kill me.

"M-my name is Subin," I say with a shaky voice.

I watched the two men look at me before glancing at each other.

"Subin, huh?" The man with a cigar said.

He gave a smile that sent chills down my spine. I didn't like it. It was like a monster that came from the shadows.

"You're that kid those two fuckers adopted?" His voice was raspy before snickering.

The scarred man remained calm while his buddy seemed to have some kind of interest towards me.

"I see," the scarred man said. He gave me an unreadable expression.

Was that judgment? Pity?

He sighed. "Your folks took some money from us. They said they would be able to pay it back yesterday, but it appears they lied. They're not answering our calls, and they seem to be out of the country."

He seemed mad but also not surprised.

"If your folks don't come back by tomorrow, we're ransacking this house you call home," he tells me before staring at the house.

I too turned around to look at the shabby house that isn't much, but is all my siblings and I have.

I felt my heart drop.

I turned back around to look back at the two men. Their eyes were piercing me.

"They're hiding some drugs here," the cigar man said with a puff. "Our boss don't like thieves. Even if they have kids! We might not get the money back from them, but we sure as hell will have all the shit in that home of yours! They signed a contract!"

He laughed. It was ugly and hurt my ears like nails on a chalkboard.

I winced from his laughter. What was he telling the truth?

Did my parents really just sell us out for their own well being?

"Drugs and money- you would think those fuckers wouldn't cross the line with our boss, but they sure as hell did!" The man hollered with another puff of his cigar. "You poor daughter of a whore can't even rely on those fools!"

Whore? What the heck was that supposed to mean?

"The Kim's are smart enough to take you in. Right, Jung?" It was like the man didn't know how to shut up.

The scarred man, whose name is apparently Jung, narrowed his brows at his buddy.

"Would you shut up, Hyuk?" before looking back at me. "You best find a way to contact your parents. Otherwise, you're losing your home."

The two men gave me an intimidating look before turning around.  The cigar man, named Hyuk, turned to look at me one last time with a smile that could leave nightmares.

"You best figure it out, girlie!" Hyuk yelled before snickering. "Time's ticking!"

I stood there with the scent of his cigars still lingering in the air. I felt like vomiting. I wanted to scream, but I also wanted to cry.

Will my parents even answer my calls? Or would they just ignore me?

What am I supposed to tell my siblings? How will they react?

I felt my legs grow weak. I held my nose from the scent of the cigar. It was messing with my head. I felt a migraine begin to form.

Why out of all things did my parents have to do this? Why now?

Why when Chan finally reaches out to me?

Why?

Why now?

~

"Subin?"

I can hear him through my phone.

I didn't know what to do. I ended up calling him. My parents weren't answer me even though I spammed them with messages and calls. I felt hopeless.

A part of me didn't want to call him, but another part of me felt like I had to talk to someone. What was I supposed to do? What can I even do?

"Are you okay?" I can hear him through the phone. He sounded worried. I can hear voices in the background.

I opened my voice to speak.

"I'm sorry, but... I need your help, Hansol."

I called him. I called Hansol.

I called him, because I know that I don't have the strength to tell Chan. I wouldn't even be able to speak if it were him.

I said before that Hansol, shouldn't be a messenger, and I'm sticking true to it. What I needed was advice. I wasn't sure if he was going to pick up since he might have class, but he did.

And I was grateful for that.

I was fearful about what I can do. I was fearful about what I should tell Chan.

How did someone I care about so much also scare me? I didn't want to lose him even if we just reached out to each other.

I was scared.

Scared for what might happen to my siblings. What might happen to our home. If I am even capable, or if it's even possible for me to fix this whole mess my parents created.

At least if I call Hansol, he could give me some advice.

I needed some help. I needed some sort of hope.

I needed a friend.

• • •

Previous | Next

[farsidejr]

ok so i gave a big long huge ramble about my GaSa4 HC turned AU over on Twitter so i'm gonna put it here because yeah gaming !!! i DO have a Player design which i never drew, and they aren't super present in the AU, but if people wanna see em maybe i'll draw em! lore basics and ART below the cut-off!!! mostly copy/pasted from my Twitter ! i'll post the art separately after for anyone who just wants to reblog specific images, without my long ass ramblings and such lmao. PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS THERES SO MUCH LORE FOR THIS WARNING: this AU is based around the GaSa4 bad ending!

this AU started when i realized that Kyu said she would move any extra data from Cashier somewhere else. not delete it, just, move it. ok, so what if that "extra" stuff was his name, model, dialogue, voice sound, personality, etc? what if the stuff that got moved was thrown out of the experience, and is STILL THERE? all of the memories not needed to run GaSa4, like the day shift, meeting Dummy, all still out there, and what if it congealed into THIS GUY

C4SHi3R isn't very stable physically, and gets randomly thrown into Roblox experiences and then zapped back out with no way to choose where he goes or when. he eventually picked up some weapons for self defense in games with zombies and stuff. he doesn't have any memories that would be still needed for GaSa4. he knows he MET people (cough Dummy n Player cough), but doesn't know what they look like, their names, their voices, etc. gets deja vu a lot when seeing someone who looks like them or hearing their names, but tries not to think too hard about it. meanwhile back at GaSa4, Dummy (called Dxmmy for the AU) is stuck there practically alone. the game is stuck constantly looping night time to preserve data space, so FF stays asleep. she thought Cashier died, and spent a lot of time blaming himself for that.

the game is stuck constantly looping night time to preserve data space, so FF stays asleep. Dxmmy thought Cashier died, and spent a lot of time blaming himself for that. they hate purple now, reminds them too much of the corrupt landscape, but besides that it loves bright colours. it's a lot nicer than the dull darkness in the void, which was mostly browns blacks and greys besides their TV. since C4SHi3R can randomly pop up in any game, that includes back at GaSa4 months later, but his added data only let him stay long enough to do that "literally with you" thing and get out, bringing Dxmmy with him, who now wears the most eyeburning outfits it can find in dress up games. there's a big something unaccounted for though. if C4SHi3R is everything that got removed from GaSa4 to make room, what about what was left behind? what's holding the GaSa4 data now? well, C4SHi3R did encounter someone else while he was briefly back at GaSa4. he met the thing that shoved him out to protect the game from being corrupt all over again, and it was kinda a little bit sorta terrifying for him AND Dxmmy

it's cool though just looks scary and couldn't hold a physical form let alone dialogue text for very long without getting a MASSIVE headache, so it had to be quick with its message. after Dxmmy left, though, that gave it enough room to KINDA ALMOST hold the data for a physical body

NullString's body has a lot of unfilled variables, so unless it's focusing, its limbs will change count at random, along with its height, age, and just... honestly everything. it does its best to keep it all within a manageable range, at least. it had to grieve Dxmmy leaving, and the fact that it could only give itself a reliable less-terrifying mode of communication after it didn't really need that anymore is a massive point of frustration. there are a lot more details to this all, a lot of it tied in with my kissmate's AUs and lore! feel free to ask questions, i love talking about these guys !!!

[blogger1011]

So I blocked you in the morning today on Instagram after seeing your story holding the hand of a girl who clicked that photo. Yesterday morning, I woke up at around 7:20 and I randomly had the urge to see if you had texted me back or not so I opened Instagram to see a story with you holding a girl by the waist. She is looking at you and smiling and you are smiling and a romantic song is playing which I now hate by the way. I had planned on sleeping after checking Instagram because I had to go to work and I needed my sleep but I just couldn't sleep after that. I am no stranger to anxiety but that broke me in a way that I did not know how to fix. I know you're probably happy and you are building a very new life in which I have no place as you said to me. And you also know that I love you even if you do not believe me. But I love myself as well and I owe it to myself to not have you rubbing off your girl in my face. I know that I look drop dead gorgeous while crying but I am so tired of crying. I don't want to. Contrary to your belief, I don't have an obsession with unrequited love. You are perfectly entitled to not fall in love with me and to not reciprocate anything that I have felt for you. But I am also entitled to not say a single word to you while I have multitudes to say. I have deleted your number too but not blocked you. Not that I have much faith that you would text. Calling is a whole other story. You know, I am broken in 50 different ways and then you add this heart break and it goes straight to 100. I have had you on my mind for so long that I sort of have connected the puzzle pieces. So I think she was the one you went to the market with where you wore that red kurta. It was during the period when you were ghosting me. And I am so used to letting you leave and letting it break my heart a million times. I let it happen each time because of a very simple reason; I thought you were worth it. It is not fair. I prayed for you. I prayed for you to be okay and I prayed to have you stay when you came. It's so unfair that I continuously wished for you and didn't get you and someone who didn't just did. Just like that. And I know you said you didn't want me. And you said that for me, it's either the bookish love or you hating me. I apologised because no one should be forced into love. But what I didn't say is that it wasn't like that. It's just that I don't do things by halves. I go all in. And I know that not everyone is like me now am I asking for them to be. I can take you liking me if not loving me. I can take you wanting me. I can take you not wanting me. I can take your indifference and even your hate. But I cannot be just friends with you. You can just stand up and say okay let's be friends because this ain't gonna happen. But I've loved you like breathing. Like Pip loved Estella; against reason and against hope. And how can I let you go just like that? Of course, I have to. And I did. But I cannot just sit in the fucking friendzone while you go off and marry someone else. You know my keyboard still suggests sweets as the next word when I say good night to someone? I haven't called you any nickname in like 15 days. But you know what? You are sweets and cutes and all the nicknames I gave you. Keep them. They are yours. But if you so please, give me my heart back. I need it. It's like I am falling and falling and falling. I am bracing for impact but all I'm living in is trepidation. But it will come. And when it hits me, I don't know how I'll piece myself back together. But I know I will. I have to. It's so stupid. Of me, of course. I am writing this just because I need to put it out there. And you are out there with your girl.

What I don't get is why couldn't you just break it off clean? You ghosted me so let me stay ghosted. You told me you don't want anything so leave. Why come back? Why talk to me? Why be the sweetest thing for two weeks only to ghost me again? Why joke about being married and engaged and then denying it when it was actually happening? Why tell me that you will fight my nightmares? Why tell me that you missed me? Why tell me that you wanted to meet me and be like "oh" when I tell you that I was in town then? Why propose a hypothetical date when you knew where you were gonna be next week? Why did you keep coming back to me? Because if I was nothing then this is nothing but cruel. And if I was nothing that all you said to me were lies. And why lie?

Have you seen Love Aaj Kal? It's my favourite Hindi movie. I thought of us being Jai and Meera. And I know you would say that I need to come out my world of books and movies and fiction because life is different and there are practical reasons for doing things and I should be logical. I am practical if the need arises. Why do you think I am doing this job? I wouldn't be doing a lot of things if they weren't the "right" thing to do. But this one thing? I knew I was going upstream but there are certain things where impracticality wins. Call me an idiot but if you knew what was gonna happen, you should have let me go sooner. I'm here breaking my heart because you were too polite to do it. A Taylor Swift lyric but oh how true it rings. But if you were hellbent on minimising the blow then why would you post a story with a girl just like that when you have been talking to me normally the night before? You callousness broke me. Maybe rethink your username. And while you are at it, change your goddamned bio because my God knows you have been out of my sight since March but you not been out of my mind for even a day.

And okay, maybe I asked for too much and it's okay that you couldn't give that to me but then why did you always keep coming up to me and building this glass house only to shatter it again and again? You left. The glass cut me because I stayed. And okay, you can reason that I could have left too. But that is the point. You can reason it out because you never believed that I loved you. That is why you can call it infatuation and that is why you can suggest setting me up with someone on two separate occasions. I'm sorry I didn't take the hint and leave sooner. Would have been better no? I have loved you and you better believe it. Not that I could do anything if you didn't, but please do. I know you have someone in your life. And I have no idea about that relationship but no one would love you like I do. And I know you have gained so much which I hope only increases but what I said will always ring true. I kept telling you that you deserve the best. It never occured to me that someone else would be the best for you.

But you were always sure. Sent me a reel with the girl attending her ex's marriage just after joking about getting married. Sent me a post that said we are each other's character development and eventually are gonna marry somebody else. Did you not know you were being cruel or is it all the same to you? I don't know. Nor do I need closure of any kind. That is why I have left. With whatever is left of my dignity and self-respect. I never beg and I begged for you to stay. You didn't. Says enough, don't you think? But okay. Really not okay but okay. I have said everything I needed to say. I don't know if you will ever read this or even if you did, you would read it like the way I mean for you to. But it shouldn't matter anymore. It does to me but shouldn't for you. What else? Take care of yourself. The most beautiful boy I have ever seen. May you always find reasons to keep flashing your smile.

All my love.

[midwestbramble]

Aradia Book Review

This review was originally posted on Pagan & Witches Amino which was deleted when I took down my account. I read this book originally because it has been such an influence on modern paganism and witchcraft that I felt, to really understand, I should read it.

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Contents:

Synopsis

What I Liked

What I Didn't Like

Overall Thoughts

Conclusion

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Originally published 1899 (this version published in 2010)

"If Gerald Brosseau Gardner is the father of the religion that calls itself Wicca, then Charles Godfrey Leland is the grandfather of Witchcraft as a religion in the English-speaking world, and his small book, Aradia, is that religion's birth-announcement. It is the first work in English in which Witchcraft is portrayed as an underground old religion, surviving in secret from ancient Pagan times. Until now Aradia has been a work more often cited than read. Its first edition (1899) garnered only one review, and sank from sight like a stone cast into murky waters/ it sold poorly and is now a rare book. By chance a copy fell into the hands of Theda Kenyon, who devoted a few pages to it in her sensational Witches Still Live (1929), thereby calling it to the attention of many readers. By the 1950s Doreen Valiente had read Aradia, and she incorporated some of its most beautiful passages into the Wiccan rituals that she wrote. In the '60s and '70s it was reprinted four times, but always from a defective copy of the first edition that had lost its last page. Only in the '90s did another reprint finally restore the missing page. Aradia has always been a controversial work, among Witches and scholars alike. Scholars have questioned whether it may be a fiction or a forgery by Leland or by his principal informant, Maddalena (Margherita Taludi). Witches have objected to it on theological and ethical grounds, since some of the myths that it tells are about Lucifer and Cain as well as Diana and Aradia, some of its spells work by threatening or coercing the Deities and spirits, and in its revolutionary fervor it does not shrink even from teaching that the poor and downtrodden should use poisons to destroy their feudal overlords. Despite all that, it remains a beautiful and compelling work. This edition has brought the format and typography up to date, while keeping the text unchanged. A modern reader will undoubtedly find this new edition of Aradia much easier to read than the original or any of its facsimile reprints."

-- from the inside of the cover

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What I Liked

Right away, I noticed that Doreen Valiente took lines and inspiration straight from a translation of what Aradia supposedly says to her followers on page 7 for her famous “Charge of the Goddess.” [You'll also find the lemon hex that was going around a couple years ago in here.]

In this version, there are several small essays from practitioners from the early 2000s and earlier who were impacted by this text. While I’m not a fan of some of these authors, it was interesting to see what they had to say. Some of them also revealed the names of the Wiccan god and goddess in Gardnerian and Alexandrian sects, so good job on those secrecy oaths guys.

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What I Didn't Like

Very randomly, at one point in the book, Leland goes on a tangent about how writing in a book or folding down a page “is a sin of vulgarity as well as morality” (pg. 93). Go off I guess. He also tends to dismiss any poetry or art depicting Diana that is contemporary to his works as if they were meant to be authentic representations of how people once thought, instead of allegory. It’s very strange.

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Overall Thoughts

I don’t really have any thoughts on the actual contents of the folklore that was allegedly gathered into this book. Whether it’s real folklore from Tuscany or not wasn’t what interested me while reading. Since it’s referenced so often I just wanted to make sure I had a full idea of what exactly was being referenced. It doesn’t really have any impact on my own craft as these are not the types of stories I draw from in my own practice. However, if you have an interest in Wicca, Reclaiming, or any of the traditions coming out of the late 20th century, this may be a book that contains some insightful information.

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Conclusion

Reading widely can give a better understanding of where popular ideas and practices are coming from. I work at a library though so of course I'm going to encourage you to read lol. You don't have to agree with everything inside a book to gain understanding from it. So if you take nothing else from this blog, please take away this: nothing happens in a vacuum, everything is influenced by something else. If you wish to read this book it can be found on amazon, magick.com, Thrift Books, Abe Books, and, possibly, your local witchy retailer.

*all images from the book

[teebaby1990]

ugh.. I don't even know.. my brain is a mess. I have all these thoughts.. all these questions. all this pain. I don't even know how to go about sorting the shit show of my emotions. I don't know what good even putting them on paper will do.. I feel like I would be writing for the rest of my life. I am dealing with several different conodrums.. My ex of 5 years.. who manipulated me into thinking that she was finally ready to grow up and get her shit together for us.. that text me and said she was going to be the person I deserved and she wanted to get down on one knee and ask my hand in marriage, for the second time.. to then 2 weeks later finding out she was with her bi coworker who had 6 kids and was just married to a dude.. But hey, as long as she is happy. She was ready to get her shit together and a job, it just wasn't for me.. mind you she was taking me on dates, fucking me and sleeping in my bed. conveniently one day her phone did an update and deleted thousands of photos off her phone.. several days before she stopped talking to me.. I felt so bad like she lost her photos and what not... No stupid me lol.. She was preparing for a clean slate with this chick.. they obviously had been talking a lot longer than I was aware of.. and that's fine. She is just the next victim..

Dated a chick for a month or so in between me and the ex's breakup #174982965. The chick was rad. Fit, adventurous, sweet, loving.. everything that I was searching for and didn't get with my prior ex. One month in and I was head over heels. Clearly still coming down from a dopemine high.. I realized that I was in no condition to go down this road with anyone... I had just given 5 years of my life to the person I thought I was going to marry... I had nothing to give myslef let alone someone else..

the ex I dated for the month, her and I tried to be friends... I made my boundaries very clear and where I stood... yet every few days I would get angry text messages guilt tripping me..they text me and said they couldnt handle being friends with me. So we cut all ties.. I randomly would get Tik Tok messages just small talk. I get a message tonight saying they have no expectations when it comes to me, that I'm crazy, I'm hot and cold & I need help... Im so confused.. they text me and say they cant be my friend... we stop talking.. yet now suddenly I need help because they didnt respect my boundaries? I just cant win.. I feel so defeated.

My mom.. God where do I even start. my head hurts. I feel like there is just to much to even try and express, it wouldnt do any good.. I just feel like I am working so hard on communication and boundaries with people... yet I'm not respected when it comes to that. I am constantly made to feel like I'm in the wrong.