#this shithole may be going down but ill always remember the art

[mylifeyayy]

Saturday 23 December 2017

12.39pm

I can’t take it anymore. I am sick of living under the rule of my controlling father who thinks he is entitled to being respected without respecting. I cannot count how many times he has pointed out a “fault” in me while blatantly ignoring that my sister triggered all my negative responses. While my sister is also terrifying, the subject at hand here is now my father who is just the worse.

Ever since around Primary 5, I have an enstranged relationship with him. He never ever listens to what I have to say and have never supported me. I’m every single conversation since then with him, I would like cry on instinct. I don’t even want to and yet it fucking happens. If this doesn’t say something about how wrong the relationship is, I don’t know what will. The thing is, when I cry, I get scolded for doing so. This I think is extremely STUPID because not only is this an act I cannot control, but I’m getting berated for crying because of HIM. He has never tried to understand why I’m crying. I do not think asking “Why are you crying? I didn’t even say anything? Why are you so sensitive” is called trying to understand me. It is just him trying to defend himself and ultimately places the blame on ME for somehow crying. I simply do not like talking to him. He always says I am “talking back” to him when I simple was trying to explain my situation. AND WHEN I DO listen to whatever he said, he will say that I do not have a backbone and cannot explain myself. PLUS it is extremely diffucult to do that if my natural instinct is to cry and make all forms of speech incoherent. I do not think it would be fair if I cannot even give a coherent argument while he continues to verbally sling insults and accusations in my direction.

He is extremely biased towards my sister. Even when she throws tantrums and shouts, he will always beg for her forgiveness and cajole her out of her room (which I may add she has locked.) If I do any of those, I would be thrown out of the house or beaten, who knows. Everything is always my fault. What I couldn’t do last year when I was her age, she could do now. He agreed to fund her education overseas when he immediately rejected my desire to. He allowed her to study whatever she wants and constantly beats down my dreams. Whatever I’ve wanted to be (basically the arts) is an impossibility as he will never support me. Ever. It is perfectly okay for her to do badly in her studies while I am basically regarded as a constant disappointment. Another example that shows his bias was when me or my sister were late for school. When my sister was late, he would readily send her (when he had a car) or give her money to take a taxi. When I was late, he would scold me and berate me for being irresponsible, making me even more late, even though I offered to be responsible and pay for my own cab fare. He then proceeded to rant about how the money isn’t mine and that I shouldn’t be so ready to use it. WHICH IS FUCKING STUPID because I went to work painstakingly and earnt my own money. He doesn’t even give me the right to the amount I’ve worked? Wtf? This is fucking bullshit. My sister is allowed to go out of the hosue at 10pm. While I, can’t even go out to study with my friend. Back when I was studying for As, I had plans to go out with a friend to study at a cafe. This would be effective as I was planning on studying Literature, which would be best with intellectual conversations. Yet, he began to accuse me of not doing my best and going out to play, when all I was trying to do was do my best. I already had insufficient time and he was trying to waste more time. In the end, I had to last minute cancel my plans. Later one, he came to say that I could have explained why I wanted to study at a cafe calmly. As you have read in my previous paragraph, it is entirely impossible as my immediate response is to cry. Plus, what I did was what he always have instilled. He had said that as long as I’m living in his (haha no it’s my mom’s too what bullshit) house, I have to listen to whatever he says and never have an opinion or talk back. Of course, he conveniently says that he never remembered that but I do. So I told him yeah fine I’ll just listen to what he says and stay home. He then proceeded to say that I was talking back. This is FUCKIGN STUPID because I was fulfilling his wishes without talking back. He said that I could calmly explain myself. Which is entirely not true. For years I’ve been trying to explain myself and doing so only got me a beating or disowned. I don’t see how doing so would be of any help. See how whatever I do is futile?

He is also very controlling. At the age of 18, I should be allowed to drink alcohol, or even to at least try some. To my knowledge, I’m very sure universities have a shit ton of events where u have to somehow go to some bar (which is very weird for me). By not having drunk any, I’m pretty sure I’ll be taken advantaged of. BUT WHO CARES RIGHT? He also doesn’t allow me to live in a dorm or go out with my friends or basically let me live a decent life. While you may say these reason are somewhat petty, can you stop for a moment and imagine being forced to stay home forever? Yeah.. He disguises these controlling measures as something that “protects” us. When my mother tries to warn us about rape, he is quick to say that we shouldn’t learn about what it is. WHICH IS DUMB because HAHAHAHA when we are actually in danger one day we won’t know what to do.

He has never cared or loved me. I’m very sure I was an accident. My parents weren’t even married when they had me. He had constantly said and implied that he has never wanted this family and that this family is terrible. MAYBE HE SHOULD have considered that before making one. I never wanted to be born. In fact, life has been a shithole. I remember back when I was relatively thin that he insulted my weight and look. That caused me to retaliate and eat more. He basically ruined my self esteem in my looks or any other aspect. I used to be confident and bright but now I can’t even SPEAK In his presence. He took away my tuition right before my PSLE exams while he still somehow had enough money to fuel his alcohol and smoking addictions. He basically wanted me to quit choir. He constantly accuses me of wasting money when all I’ve ever bought was food. In fact, I’ve been withdrawing from my account so much due to how I hate asking them for money that my account has run dry. I don’t even have money to support myself if I leave this house. Back in lower sec, I was lowkey tormented by a classmate that was controlling and faking her mental illnesses. Before you start saying I’m judgemental for saying that, let me explain. This classmate would take advantage of people’s kindness or weaknesses and try to control them. She would take credit while not doing any work and she pretends to cut herself in front of the class to scare people. Don’t people who cut themselves try to hide their cuts? Why publicise it? AND why PRETEND to cut. I had once made the mistake to confide in my father that I had a classmate who was terrible to me. All he did was say I needed to suck it up and not think so negatively. He basically made it seem like my fault that I had to deal with this classmate. Naturally, I cried and again, he began to attack me and say that I’m too sensitive. When my sister complains about her classmates doing petty things to her, he is quick to assure her and support her. I do not understand this. He only ever cares about himself and his pride and his fucking daughter (my sister). I need to leave.