#this reminds me of that song from crazy ex gf

[vettelsvee]

GOODBYES ARE BITTERSWEET | Sebastian Vettel ✩₊˚.⋆ PART 4: FAMILIAR [PREVIOUS PART] [NEXT PART]

goodbyes are bittersweet masterlist f1 masterlist | ao3 | ask anything or let's talk!

ferrari sebastian vettel x ex gf!female reader

word count: 3811

summary: seb comes back home as a surprise only to see that hanna and a little mysterious girl receive them... instead of y/n, who was supposed to finally meet him

warnings: settled on may 2018. curse words, angst, seb and little emily meeting but they don't know who they are to each other, seb being VERY suspicious. seb pov.

taglist: [ @saltycomicsanimalssalad @hc-dutch @mycenterfold @simplyamberj @spitesfvl-blog @jaydaaasworld @lottalove4evelyn @zoeyjadetice2010 @jehun @ferralari @cosmoscoffeee @mcmuppet @myescapefromthislife @sleutherclaw @youre-on-your-ownkid ]

a/n: i haven't said anything, BUT taylor made a mashup for her surprise songs in warsaw night 2 that is an absolute spoiler of this series (if you know it TELL ME ON ANON BECAUSE I LITERALLY SCREAMED). anyways, we're back with an update FINALLY. sorry to make you wait (really, i wasn't doing mentally ok and I'm still struggling but here we are!), but in the next chapter we'll have y/n and seb finally meeting... but for the moments I'll wait to see your comments, anon messages and reactions (please please please) about everything that happens on this chapter and how suspicious seb's gonna be (hope you fangirl and like everything as much as i did writing this) + also remind you that feedback and reposts are truly appreciated. thank you for all the support you've been showing me these days, love you all <3

© VETTELSVEE (2024). please, do not steal, copy or translate my works. thanks for reading!

2018

May 3rd Heppenheim, Germany

Sebastian

The exhaustion was piling up in my body, and I knew that what I was doing was crazy. I was fully aware that facing my past with just two hours of sleep was quite risky, but I couldn't wait to see Y/N again. As soon as Hanna told me she had spoken to her and gave me the green light to visit her, I forced Britta to buy me a plane ticket to Cologne to head home as soon as I finished some Ferrari ads and all that shit I absolutely hated in Maranello. My excitement and nerves were so intense that I didn't even tell anything to my parents or Fabian, who would probably go crazy for not telling them earlier.

I let go of the suitcase reluctantly and, to my misfortune, it fell to the floor with a rather noticeable thud. I sighed and did my best to ignore it, ringing the doorbell and leaning against the wall while holding the bouquet of tulips I had bought for Y/N. I knew it was silly, but I was excited to have this small gesture as a sort of belated birthday gift for her.

"Who is it?"

I was notably surprised when, instead of my mother’s voice, a child’s one chirped the question.

"It’s Seb," I replied, trying not to make a big deal out of the situation. Maybe it was just the daughter, or even granddaughter, of one of my mother’s friends.

"I don’t know any Seb! Who is it?" she asked again, this time with a slightly annoyed tone.

"I’m Sebastian."

"Sorry, but I only know two Sebastians: one is the crab from The Little Mermaid, and the other one is the man who sometimes appears on TV at Grandma’s house."

I couldn’t help but laugh. Whoever that little girl was, she was the best thing I had come across in a long time.

"Mum also says I can’t open the door to strangers, so I can’t let you in. I’m sorry, sir."

"But my parents live here," I replied as calmly as I could. It was clear that the lack of sleep was affecting my patience.

"Are you Mr. Norbert’s secret son?!"

"Emily, let me open the door!"

The door suddenly opened, revealing a somewhat out-of-breath Hanna, as if she had come running to open it and was now trying to catch her breath. Next to her was a girl about five years old, with completely blonde and curly hair that reached roughly to her waist. The little one didn’t hesitate to smile and greet me with her right hand, and almost immediately, her eyes widened as she made eye contact with me. When I turned my gaze back to my friend I was quite surprised. Her skin, which was already pale, had turned even paler for no apparent reason. The girl, however, kept looking at me, curious and, in my perception, somewhat pleased.

Had Hanna become a mother and didn’t tell me?

Before I could react or say anything, the door slammed shut in my face, not giving me a chance to say anything. My surprise came when, a few seconds later, it opened again, revealing the same scene.

“You’re…” she started to say, hesitating. She was nervous, and her nerves only made me more anxious. “Seb… but not…”

“Is something wrong, Hanna?”

Instead of answering, she remained completely silent. I knew something was wrong as soon as she started to look at the ground instead of looking at me.

“Hanna?”

“Aunt Hanna…” the little girl, still by her side, intervened, trying to get her attention by tugging at her sweater sleeve. “The man who appears on TV with the red car is talking to you,” I widened my eyes, surprised. Did the girl know me? “Mom says that when someone talks to you, you should respond; it’s rude not to.”

“Do you know who I am?” I asked the little girl, crouching to her level.

“Of course I know you…!”

“Hey, sweetie, why don’t you go play outside for a while?” My friend intervened before the little girl could finish. “Sebastian and I need to talk about some things, okay?”

“Did mommy have a surprise for me and that’s why she brought him?” the girl asked curiously, pointing at me. “Mommy said she was going to bring me a surprise when she came back from…”

“Emily, that’s enough! Go outside and we’ll talk about mom's surprise later. We can even call her if you want, okay?”

Prater’s shout startled the girl, who simply picked up a stuffed panda from the couch and a red car that looked quite similar to the one I had in Formula 1 back in 2015. As soon as Hanna turned back to her, scolding her once more, she ran towards the yard.

I found it amusing that, when my friend turned back to me, that curly-haired blonde girl peeked around the door, trying not to let us see her, possibly feeling quite curious about what we had to discuss. 

It didn’t bother me at all, but exactly the opposite. I used to do the same when I was a child and my parents had friends coming home.

“Are you here or not, Sebastian?”

Hanna quickly brushed her hand over my face. I immediately shifted my gaze from the little girl and refocused on her. She had her arms crossed, her sweater sleeves rolled up, and her face was completely red.

I wasn’t sure if she was angry with little Emily, with me, or with the situation, though she had no reason to be. After all, I was the one who had come to my parents’ house, my home, to get ready to see Y/N. It wasn’t my problem that I had encountered Hanna and this mysterious girl here, without any prior notice. At least, I didn’t see it as such.

“I’ve been here since I arrived, Hanna. You’re the one who’s gone crazy seeing me show up,” I responded tersely.

“You could have told me that you were coming.”

“Do I need to give an exact day for when I’ll be back home? Can’t I give my parents a fucking surprise?”

“Didn’t you consider that your parents might be running errands at this time? Or that…”

I left her talking to herself because the last thing I wanted was to argue, especially over something trivial like this. Her behavior was stressing me out too much, and that was the last thing I needed, especially considering that my ex and I might run into each other at any moment.

Without saying anything else, I headed to the kitchen to find a vase for the tulips for Y/N before they wilted. While filling it with water, I noticed the little girl. She was engrossed with that red toy car, moving it back and forth while murmuring commands with what seemed to be an attempt of technical Formula 1 words. She pushed her curls out of her face and suddenly decided to include the panda bear in the game.

I stared at the girl. Her face seemed familiar… too familiar, in fact. I didn’t know exactly what it was, but I had a feeling I had seen her before in Heppenheim, though I didn’t remember seeing her as part of any family of my parents’ friends.

I tried to downplay the fleeting thought when Hanna arrived, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed and, as I had guessed upon looking back, with a rather unfriendly expression. 

Her eyes were analyzing me, I knew it perfectly. I sighed and placed the vase on the counter, arranging the tulips as best as I could while trying to ignore her behavior.

"Are they for Y/N?" she finally asked.

"Who else would they be for?"

"She isn’t here," she said abruptly, dropping the news.

Silence fell between us once again. I raised my gaze so quickly that I almost felt a bit dizzy. All she did was look at me, unable to continue the conversation or, at least, undecided on whether to continue it or not. Finally, after a few seconds, she decided to speak again:

"I know I told you she’d be here this week, but…" she hesitated. It was the first time I had seen her like this, and she was by no means the self-assured Hanna I had known since the first day of school. “Damn it, Seb, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…”

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

That was the first thing that came to mind, and I immediately regretted blurting it out. Hanna laughed so hard that Emily, who was now chasing a butterfly, stopped dead in her tracks to see what was happening to her supposed aunt.

Hanna approached me. She gave me a few pats on the chest and then on the head, before giving me a hug that caught me off guard.

"How naive you are, Sebastian Vettel… Do you really think Y/N would have a boyfriend? Can you picture her having one?"

"Well, it's been five years since she broke up with me. It's about time she moved on, so I find it normal."

"Have you moved on? Do you have some secret girlfriend you haven’t told us about, Mr. Privacy?"

I didn’t answer, which was enough for her to know we were in the same romantic situation.

"I've slept with a few girls all these years, but I’ve never looked for anything serious," I confessed.

"Well, I’m afraid to tell you that you’re in the same boat as Y/N then. As far as I know, she hasn’t slept with anyone, although it’s understandable, considering she has…”

And before she could say anything more, she stopped talking. Again.

If the situation between us had calmed down, it had now become tense again. It was the second time that day, at least as far as I had noticed, that Hanna Prater seemed to have let something slip. I looked at her, searching her expressions for something that would give me a hint about what she wanted to say; she simply looked away and headed to the living room, sitting on the sofa and changing the channel from some cartoon pigs to the local Heppenheim news channel.

"What does Y/N have, Hanna? Or who does she have?"

"Y/N is in London, Seb," she finally revealed with a sigh, as if it was hard for her to tell me. “I know it’s not my place to tell you this, and even less that she would like you to know, but after your breakup… she has some contacts.”

"What kind of contacts are you talking about?" I wanted to know. Had she done something I wasn’t aware of? Was she in trouble?

"To say it briefly, because the story is too long, a guy from this very famous boyband back in the day decided to come here for a while to find inspiration for new music and see what to do with his solo career," she explained. “Call it coincidence, luck or an act of God, but Niall ended up going to the bar where Y/N works and, well… the rest is history.”

I didn’t know what to say… Yes, I hoped things were going a bit better for her than when we were together, but that she had met someone as important as that guy seemed…

"The thing is, Y/N is in London right now. But she’ll be back, so don’t worry. She’s been there for several days," Hanna continued. "Niall isn’t particularly good at keeping secrets, and since he knew she was the face behind Red, he had the bright idea of mentioning it to his label who, luckily, said they’d like to meet with Y/N to offer her a contract."

"And did you know any of this before telling me to come, or…?"

I tried not to sound angry, but the truth was I was, at least a little. To be more exact, I was more than just angry… I was upset. Upset simply because Y/N, knowing I had asked if she was the face behind that viral video that was having so much success, and now considering that she had a possibly important meeting with that record label, hadn’t bothered to respond not only to my question but also to my birthday wishes.

I felt really bad because, despite being the person who probably knew y/n better than anyone else in the world, it seemed like the opposite.

"Y/N didn’t tell me anything until the day before she left," she confessed quietly. "I swear, Seb, she was so reluctant to go that I even thought she wouldn’t go and you two would finally get to talk about everything…” Once again, a pause full of uncertainty gnawed at me from within. “The only thing she said to me before going to London was that she wasn’t going to sign anything and that she was going only because she hadn’t traveled since you two were together, and she actually was doing that because she needed to disconnect and think about a few things.”

"So… did she go for nothing?"

"She doesn’t want to sign any record deal, Seb. She just wants to put her life in order and continue it as it is now. She doesn’t need anything more than what she has."

I didn’t know what to say, but I had a thousand conflicting thoughts swirling in my head right now. It struck me as very strange that my ex-girlfriend didn’t want to accept a record deal. That was everything Y/N had worked for in this life, and now, when she had the opportunity, she was turning it down…

Maybe Britta was right and the Y/N I knew was now just a mere ghost of my past, still haunting my life to torment me with the answers I never got.

"Y/N should accept it," was all I could say, impassive to what my ears had just heard. "I can’t believe she’d turn down something she’s fought for so many years…”

Suddenly, a melody from a song I didn’t recognize started playing in the room. Emily appeared with a phone in her hand and ran to give it to Hanna who, upon looking at the screen, became quite alarmed.

"Sorry, Seb, it’s important…" she said without taking her eyes off the phone. "Emily, stay here with Seb, okay? I’ll be right back…”

Hanna left faster than I would have liked, leaving me alone with the little girl, who again kept staring at me.

"You’re just like on TV..."

The little blonde girl came up to me, too close, and began examining me closely. She placed her small hands on my cheeks and moved them across my face. I was sure she was leaving little traces of dirt, but I didn’t mind when I saw she couldn’t stop smiling and laughing.

"If my mommy were here, she’d be very happy to see you," she said, sitting next to me.

"Does your mom know who I am?"

She nodded.

"Mommy watches you on TV every day," she revealed. "Well, not every day, but when you’re on granny’s TV on weekends, she spends hours and hours watching you at your work!"

"So your mom likes Formula 1, huh?"

"What’s that?" she asked innocently. However, before I could say anything, she spoke again. "Oh, I remember now! That’s what’s on TV where the cars go really fast, right? And you drive one of them, don’t you?"

I nodded slightly while laughing.

"Mommy says it’s very dangerous and sometimes she’s scared about what might happen to you. Mommy really likes you a lot, you know? Why don’t you go out with her and be my daddy?"

"Sometimes it is a bit dangerous, yes, but don’t worry: today there are many safety measures to keep us safe, and we also take a lot of care when we drive,” I said quietly, trying to sound as calm as possible and ignoring her last request. Did this girl not have a present father?

The girl frowned, not very convinced by my answer and, possibly, upset by ignoring part of what she was surely eager to know. Her eyes, a shade of blue that was neither dark nor light, looked at me with curiosity.

"Have you ever hurt yourself while driving your red car?" she asked again, interested.

"Well, um…" I hesitated for a moment on what words to choose so as not to alarm her further. "Sometimes we have small bumps, but the barriers on the track protect us when we go off."

Emily seemed more at ease with the softened version of reality, although she still looked worried and upset. I didn’t know why I was telling her all this considering she was probably no older than five and I might be scaring her.

"Hey, now tell me something about you, since I’m on holidays and I don’t want to talk about my work! What do you like to do? I don’t know anything about you yet!"

Her eyes lit up when I asked her that. My main intention was to change the subject, but something inside me was glad to see her so happy when I showed some kind of interest in her.

"I love to paint and play!" she exclaimed. "I also like going to the park with mummy, dancing and singing at her work! And I also like tales!"

"What’s your favorite tale?"

“Mommy always tells me one about a prince who is part of a blue team and takes part in an important game every year, and he always wins! And in the end, he falls in love with a very pretty waitress, and they have a little baby and take care of it together, and they’re very happy!”

I got in absolute shock at her words.

Could it...?

No, it’s impossible, there’s no way that’s some kind of version of my story with Y/N. It must be the exhaustion and all the hustle and bustle of these last few days that are starting to make my head a mess.

I didn’t know what else to say, so while I tried to sort my thoughts, we sat in silence for a while. I changed the channel from the local one to the cartoons that had been on earlier to keep Emily entertained.

The little one didn’t say anything else, but she did snuggle up to me as if she had known me for much more than less than an hour.

When some amount of time had passed, I felt slight tugs on my shirt. I hadn’t realized I had closed my eyes and had dozed off a little. Emily’s little smile brought me back to reality:

“Is something wrong, little one?” I asked, worried that something had happened to her.

“Aunt Hanna is still on the phone, and Peppa Pig is over,” she pointed to the TV with her little hand. “And you probably have to leave soon... Mrs. Heike and Mr. Norbert are coming back any moment now!”

“But this is my house. I’m not going anywhere,” I said, trying not to laugh. “Heike and Norbert are my parents. Do you remember that I told you that before?”

She nodded, relieved and partly remembering that we had talked about it earlier. From her face, I knew she was about to say something more, but I didn’t hear her when I noticed my phone vibrating in my pocket.

I tried to disconnect as much as possible when I was on “vacation,” but given that it could be an important work issue, I decided to check what the notification was about.

To my absolute surprise, it was a message from Y/N:

Hi, Seb.

I’m so sorry for not replying to you earlier. I completely forgot...

I really wanted to, but with one thing and another, it’s been impossible. Hanna has probably talked to you about it, so I won’t say much more so I don’t stress you out more than you probably already are.

I promise that the next time you come, I’ll be there, and we’ll talk about whatever you want.

I think we have quite a few things to discuss about, and I hope you’re not upset with me when that happens.

I read the message more times than I could count, not believing what my eyes were seeing. Relief mixed with confusion at the last sentence. “I think we have quite a bit to discuss, and I hope you’re not upset with me when that happens” didn’t make me think of anything good, especially coming from Y/N.

I took some time to reply, maybe hoping that Hanna, who I saw was coming back into the house, could help me. I started to worry again when I saw a forced smile on her face, as if she was trying to hide something, just as she seemed to have been doing all day.

I started to hear the door lock and then it opening. I knew perfectly by the way of walking that it was my parents, and Emily seemed to know it as well. The little one jumped off the sofa and ran towards them, which surprised me quite a bit.

I only did the same, except I stood up as calmly as I could, with a kind of fear I couldn’t explain.

“You’ve come back home!” the little girl shouted excitedly, bouncing up and down. “Mrs. Heike, Mrs. Heike! Can I ask you something now that your son, the one who drives cars and is very liked by mom, is here?”

My mother looked at the little girl, and then at me. Her face changed completely when she realized that Emily wasn’t lying and that I was, in fact, back home. I didn’t know what Hanna was like at that moment, but I would swear she was more distressed than she had been all day.

Even my father, who normally was a person who didn’t get flustered by anything, seemed quite nervous.

Emily and I, however, seemed to be the only ones who weren’t catching on and were living in our bubble of innocence.

“Does your mommy have a nickname for you, Sebastian?” the little one asked me in a low voice, calling me by my name for the first time. Then she asked me to bend down and carefully placed her hand on my ear to tell me something so that no one would hear. “My mommy says I’m the sunshine of her life, but she always says to me not to tell anyone, that she calling me that way is a secret between us. No one answers me why when I ask them, do you know why?”

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary303

7/18-19/24

thursday-friday

wow...303...like the tb 303 bassline synth... crazy.

the fact i can make the day text in that stupid font is like endlessly entertaining to me. i might keep doing that but like having one day like that is really funny too.

anyway, i didn't do very much today w/ music. feels stupid, like it makes me feel stupid and bad and like guhh like i guess i feel like i have to be writing riffs like have have have to. but maybe i should rest a bit on that. think about what i want from grind and pv riffs... what i wanna play. what's something that feels and sounds good? it's hard to figure that out when my gf is home all day. also hard to figure out when guitar rig crashes ableton sometimes. and then not other times. !!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, today was not a bad day or anything, i called my work about my check, and they said last time, they mailed it to my address which is my parent's place, so like i called them, they were all we didn't get it, i was like okay, i need to call my job again to get them to mail it again. i called them, they said oh we have it here. i was like why!! they were like well we got paid and that's where tha checks go. and then my ex boss said if i want it mailed it's just going to take longer and like why did you tell me it was being mailed to me????!!! so whatever. i walked over because it was a little rainy and weird today, the cloudcover was really not the best but i brought my umbrella cuz it was raining sometimes / sometimes not, so it helped me not feel like death, obv i was sweating the whole way there cuz it's crazy hot out here in vegas + humid cuz of the rain but the humidity is kind of nice, i don't mind sweating a lot it feels kind of good for you and humidity keeps your skin moist in a way so i like that also. it's not like your insides are being evaporated out of you by the sun. instead the world is a pool you're always trying to get out of but failing.

i got my check, as usual the people there were oh so confused by me dressed how i normally dress and a little put off or something like there's some kinda crisis and they don't know who i am or how i know my boss' name. what ever!! i never have to see them again. it's not even everyone, i have no hate for all the people there just the fucking management. why would they jerk me around like that??? it feels intentional, such scummy shit.

also, i didn't take pics but i think my outfit today was cute and i think i looked kyute too. i am happy about feeling good about myself.

anyway, i listened to this record today, this is a song off it i'm a little obsessed with, cuz the riffs are so simple but they've got that slide shit i always hear and get envious of cuz it's harder to get right on the stuff i do:

it's good to listen to this stuff though. i wonder if they have any tabs out there.

good they have a tab for this song:

happy to have access to that. it's funny how this song's main riff, to me it sounds more complex but it really is just these 4 chords, one's low but then it's this chromatic move kinda, the kind i'm a fan of where you start in the middle, down a half step, then up a whole step up from that half step, so it's like a half step from where you begin there but it's a little abstracted feeling. i also like how most of the song is just all this disso chord thing into a dead note bit.

their 2 records i've heard are really good.

also, while walking, i got to listen to something i haven't listened to in a while, this record:

as well as a couple others, the compilation of the encyclopedia of american traitors, glad i was reminded of them, i ought to listen to that comp more, lots of interesting riffs and the vocalist really loses his shit when he screams, you can tell he's not really feeling good doing that, he shreds his chords it seems, hopefully he did no permanent damage. anyway the closing track on this ep:

i really like the bit he does about how issues of race, gender, environment, do not distract from class struggle, but are in fact part of class struggle, it really moves me to be honest... how are people regressing from that point!!! this band from years ago got it, these are factors which are part of people's struggle for material security, and part of their exploitation and how they're exploited... idk. it's so strange how a lot of the political stuff in screamo/emoviolence really does feel watered down. you had so many bands talking about hating shitty men, talking about issues of gender, men making some kinda effort, and i know a lot of it was also really annoying breakup stuff, but that's what it seems to mostly be now... or maybe not actually. i do know some of these new bands, especially the grindy ones, do take after the other grindy earlier bands, orchid being so political i suppose helps keep that in their minds.

now i am listening to arab on radar... i got someone to listen to them... that's so crazy to me. he was listening to solo john lennon. now he's listening to arab on radar.

this song really is a masterpiece. i mean this double comp is some of the best music evarr, their whole discog is basically perfect.

anyway... i'm getting sleepy. for some reason i did waste a good chunk of the day looking at that rnc stream to see what anyone would say. basically it's the usual racism/everything else, trump did decide he had to talk about "men playing women's sports", which is crazy to me. i mean not really but it's baffling people care so much, they think they see it everywhere. i do wonder, somewhat often these days, if people are gonna get more bold about hating anyone who is not cis.

obviously though, the big deal is racism, these are the things the reactionaries seem to be focusing on, tales of murdered women and foreigners. hideous ways to frame this information. anyway it's best to not dwell, another take away is how hollow and pathetic that whole thing was, how sad it is, also these photos are insane to me:

there's more but this one's like got everything going on. her face, her earring is crazy, why is it like a safety pin, why is she kind of trying to be punk rock. is that what punk rock is. i mean obv not. but it's really funny.

anyway like i sad: sleepayy so i should just go now, before i go to bed at 3 am again. we're going to my gf's friend's birthday @ korean bbq tomorrow. i am excited for that, though i do not want to overeat. though it's not like i really ever do, it seems like. the worst i ever feel is bloated from salty food. not like... heavy with too much food. just kind of gross at times. i am looking forward to that, though last time her friends saw me i was wearing a one piece swimsuit and i guess they're all like, now unsure of what pronouns to use, or one is, i don't really ever like saying what anyone should call me, if he asks idk what i'll say. though i guess at this point i sometimes feel like saying "everything's okay" is maybe, it's like only half true, like it basically is, but idk, there's times where people use he with me and it doesn't feel good. sort of like they say it in a panic, to make sure i really am or something. and then because i'm... well floaty's not the right word because i am entirely feminine, in how i present myself, even if i am androgynous generally i do think it's heavily feminine, so it's not like loose in that way, it's just like, i'm whatever, but whatever in a funny way. i am just my self!! i don't want to ever be made to feel like i am anything in particular..

with that ,, , ,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😴

So are you wonder woman? Always wondering where you left something? Hahaha just kidding.

Good that you remembered about changing up the stuff in the carry on. Are you going to write when you're on vacation??

I'm surprisingly still awake. Lots of things going on in my head. You know, I hate overthinking and not being able to voice out my thoughts to people.

I'll give those a listen. Is crazy in love a cover? And you're already thinking of a new fic with Natasha? Any spoilers for that one? Ahahah just kidding.

For karaoke, my go to song would be she will be love by maroon 5 or if you're not the one by Daniel Beddingfield.

Name 3 songs that remind you of your happiest moments.

-CuriousGeorge

Hi corn-punn! Oh wow, u r still awake! Yaay!

Lol sadly, i am. Even though i'm not a fan of DC. 😅

I have bad memories, so i forget easy but what's weird sometimes i remember small details about certain stuff or people. I'm pretty good on remember people's voice despite my hearing problem 😅

I might write if i have the chance.. thats why i only bring my tablet not my laptop. Hopefully i can write in the whole flight. I remember the fic "The best Christmas" i started that fic in flight to texas from california. 😅 n i wrote pretty good amount. My first dark fic "I Love You Too Much" was also started when i was in flight but on the way back from texas to cali (different trip though).

Oh nooo..r u okay? Do u wanna talk about it?i'm her3 for u if u need someone to talk to. 😊

I totally understand how u feel. That's how i feel most of the time.. n thats never fun.😔

Yeah try to listen to those songs.. it was so good. Special the first one. I love that song so much. N guess what, it's in my Lost In Assistance series smut.😅 also yes, that crazy in love is a cover.

Well, yeah it's just an idea that i got when i listen to the song. I dont know when im gonna write though. But it will probably a short smut, simple one. It's like a soft slow smut with not many extreme kinks. Something passionate n strong desire R n Nat. With some details.😊 okay that's all spoiler u can get haha. I dont know if u get the feel like that when u listen to the song. Let me know what u think about the song.

Haha we sing one same song.. omg, that beddingfield song. I even still remember his voice. 😅

Hmm 3 songs that remind me of happiest moment

1. Annie's Song (wedding day)

2. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Celine Dion (Em was born)

3. Lucky by Jason Mraz (whn i started talking with my ex gf.)

What bout urs?

Next question?

Cheerio!

[popstarryeyed]

second impression of midnights (more favorable)

lavender haze - i think i would've liked this better as a track off reputation. like now taylor writing about her reputation is overdone but the idea of falling in love while the world hates you is actually compelling. i love "delicate". objectively it's not a bad concept for a song. it's also very jack antonoff-y production wise and i don't mind that but it is very noticable.

maroon - still can't get over "so scarlet it was maroon". not the same color! also one of the things i find fun about taylor swift is her continuity with imagery and theme, and in "daylight" she talks about how she used to think love was burning red (like the song and album red) but it's golden. i don't know how maroon fits into that established color imagery.

anti-hero - the first few lyrics are a bit too hashtag-relatable (saying the word depression directly instead of just describing the experience) but overall i really like the song. i feel like people might think the sexy baby/monster on the hill line is cringe but i actually really love it bc i can totally see tall 30-something taylor swift feeling odd and ungainly next to younger music industry girls. and as a fat woman in my late 20s, i definitely feel that way sometimes about college students on the train. the music video skit IS cringe though

snow on the beach - it's pretty, but saying it's featuring lana del rey is laughable. if i didn't know she was on there i wouldn't have noticed.

you're on your own, kid - kind of growing on me. i've certainly felt alone a lot of the time. i like that this album is giving some insight into taylor swift as a kid being kind of lonely and weird. when she first got famous, i saw her as a very normal popular girl but a) i don't know what she was like pre-fame and b) getting famous at a young age would make you weird.

midnight rain - i really want to love this bc the lyrics and concept are so good. taylor swift thinking back to someone who wanted a more stable life but she wanted to pursue her music career and how they just had such wildly different priorities. i love the imagery of sunshine and midnight rain to convey this distance, reminds me of that verse from "your best american girl" ("you're the sun / you've never seen the night / but you hear its song from the morning birds"). and i can totally imagine that she still thinks about it sometimes because pursuing her fame has also fucked her over. BUT that pitch-shifted voice. it's not the worst pitch-shifted voice i've heard but i don't like it and i think the song's lyrics would hit harder if delivered more directly.

question - this is good, asking a past fling for closure makes sense with the whole midnights thing. i like when taylor gets pointed

vigilante shit - it's so...revenge as aesthetic. like she does some interesting stuff on the song, revealing her ex's crimes, teaming up with his ex-wife, but the way it comes back to how she's dressed makes it so hollow. like it's not a story about her getting revenge, it's about the aesthetic of being a vengeful woman. like scary scary sexy lady from crazy ex-gf but not a joke. "mad woman" does the "aren't you tired of being nice? don't you want to just go apeshit?" theme better, and "no body no crime" has an actual revenge storyline. this does neither.

bejeweled - i like it. flex on that loser

labyrinth - not particularly memorable

karma - sounds lovely but i don't love the smugness

sweet nothing - i think this is about how the world expects so much of her but this partner expects nothing and it's so comfortable. but idk. something rubs me the wrong way about it. especially the bit about people asking her to do more but she's too soft for it. like obviously i get the appeal disconnecting from the world to be with your partner but that's not a solution to the world's problems

mastermind - i like this one. i get it, trying to orchestrate things because you don't get things if you don't.

the great war - i still like this one a lot. maybe my fave overall.

bigger than the whole sky - still good.

paris - again with the whole "i'm totally disconnected from the world with my boyfriend" thing. except paris is, in fact, a part of the world.

high infidelity - i like this one better on second listen. rolling eyes at a jealous lover like do i have to tell you every detail of my life? ugh!

glitch - i like it. the idea that falling in love is some flaw in the plan, some electronic glitch in your programming - i feel it.

would've could've should've - i totally understand why this relationship is still bothering her over a decade later. i still listen to dear john and feel homicidal.

dear reader - i don't like songs where the singer just gives you advice. it's always so trite.

overall i am far more positive on it than i was. still think there's some filler and weak songs, but hey, that's typical for a taylor swift album

[matan4il]

Buddie 511 meta

I was always sure we were going to see Buck still being a part of the Diaz boys’ life in 5b, but honestly, the whole dinner scene was more fantastic than I could have imagined. Taylor was right there, but the whole time, everything plays out more like Buck is Eddie’s bf than hers. When she’s not touching her food, Eddie asks her about it and quickly guesses correctly that Buck told her to eat beforehand. It shows how well Eddie knows him. Meanwhile, Buck is completely unconcerned about her not eating, he’s just happily stuffing his face with Eddie’s food (let’s not get into how emotional it makes me that Eddie has been trying to get better at cooking, and of all the ways we find out about it, it’s when he goes all out and cooks for a dinner with Buck). Then we get the mirror image reminder that Buck also knows Eddie really well, correctly guessing that he’s not okay ever since he quit, and then telling him he doesn’t need to pretend with Buck.

Eddie shows concern over whether Taylor's eating not because she matters to him personally, but because she’s Buck’s gf, while Buck? He’s showing concern for Eddie. Their care is mutual. They’re so married! It’s honestly unreal. I also had to do a gifset to stress the romantic language Buck and Eddie both use when talking to and about each other in this ep, in this scene (“Buck, you need to move on. I have” is the kind of thing we usually see on TV being said to a romantic ex, not to a best friend), as well as during Buck and Hen’s talk to Bobby (“I had dinner with Eddie last night” when by all means it should have been “Taylor and I had dinner at Eddie’s” or “We had dinner with Eddie and Chris…”). As if that wasn’t enough, that convo with Bobby is when we also find out that the reason why Buck’s been okay during the time jump between 5a and 5b is because he has not, in fact, moved on, he’s been under the illusion that Eddie is going to come back to the team any second now. From the way Buck spoke, it could have been that he accepted Eddie leaving until he saw his best friend suffering, but Eddie correctly guessed Buck never moved on. It again demonstrates how well they know each other. ~~~

That montage of Eddie after he’s started his new job at the dispatch center is a clear callback to a similar one back in ep 204 (down to a shirtless shot of him), showing how he gets through the morning getting ready for the day after he just joined the 118. But look at the many contrasts! To start, the one back then showed him being cheerful and smiling a lot whereas the new one lets us know just how tired he is (we even see the change from Eddie waking up and rubbing his face from his sleep to the shots of him rubbing his face while trying to sleep and going crazy 'coz he's failing at it).

Ep 204 showed him connected to Chris, doing things together, while now he’s shown still doing his best, but being more separate from his son (for example, in the first montage, we had them “training” together, while in the new one, we see Eddie exercising on the treadmill alone. You can tell how things have shifted even more in the breakfast scenes: back then, they were both sitting at the table eating together, while in the new montage Chris is at the table eating, while Eddie either has to get up while his son is still eating or is already up at the counter, putting things away, implying he’s more rushed than he was as a firefighter in the field, that without having shifts which give him 48 hours off, this is taking a toll on the quality of his time with Chris).

And lastly, the music back in 204 was upbeat, though still having a leisurely tinge to it, while the soundtrack to this new scene is more strung out in comparison, the lyrics even mentioning “dark nights,” plus the song back then was in Spanish, a reference to Eddie’s heritage, telling us that he was in his element! No such indications now. Even the span of the montage shows a marked change: back then, we got slices of many scenes all taking place during one morning, while the new one condenses a lot of different days (and sleepless nights) into one sequence. That in itself gives us a sense of being rushed and weary. The contrast tells us that before, each day was unique, while now, the days and nights all blur into one... This is Eddie at his most unhappiest he could possibly be, and more than that, if in 510 he believed he was quitting the 118 for Christopher’s sake, in reality this is hinting that this move has probably been having a detrimental effect on their quality time together... Eddie is sacrificing so much, he’s suffering so bad, he’s trying so hard, and he’s still not really achieving the one goal for which he quit. He’s breaking my heart! ~~~

OMG! OK, I’ve mentioned before the parallels between Eddie’s current arc and Buck’s at the start of s3, but this ep really exceeded my expectations. Both story arcs start with Buck and Eddie quitting the firefighting profession following bad injuries on the job by a firefighters-hating psycho. Then in both cases, the team is still looking in on them (the kitchen talk in 301, Bobby asking May about Eddie in this ep), while we find out they’re both absolutely miserable without that job and their teams (Buck even freaking explicitly makes this reference himself). In both story arcs, their misery is also shown as being expressed in their disturbed sleep patterns. Eddie is not sleeping at night in 511, while in 301, we saw Buck sleeping late (possibly a hint that he needed to because he wasn’t getting his rest at night).

Despite this, they are still personally connected even after their professional paths have split up (Eddie coming in to check on Buck and drop Chris over in s3, in 5b we learn Buck is still coming over for dinners at the Diaz home). They also each end up being there for the other man in a crisis. Buck was there to save Chris in the tsunami eps, while Eddie steps in to help with the emergency Buck’s on now. But oh, it doesn’t end with this! Just like Buck was there in 304 to see his team seemingly moving on without him with a new female firefighter taking his place as Eddie’s field partner, making Buck feel left behind, now Eddie is there at the pub to see his team seemingly moving on without him with a new female firefighter that takes his place at Buck’s side, making him feel like an outsider looking in, I am just watching these parallels and they’re even more on the nose than I thought they would be? INSANITY.

And like that’s not enough, when they’re both ready to fight to get their jobs back, it’s Bobby who stops it from happening, insisting that they first have to fully heal before they can come back to the field, causing both men to lash out in response. In both arcs, Bobby’s past is also mentioned (think of 305) as a way of pointing out that they felt betrayed by him, like they were supportive during his time of need, believing he isn’t doing that in return. And then both men spiral when they feel truly without their partner (Eddie when he can’t talk to Buck in 305, while Buck in this ep realizes Eddie is really not coming back… and just remember, Buck's the guy who we repeatedly saw is terrified of being abandoned, of people leaving and never returning to him. The fact that he held on to this belief that Eddie IS coming back for as long as he did is remarkable and speaks volumes of how much trust Buddie have managed to develop, and in a sense he's not wrong 'coz we know that if Eddie could, he would have returned to his partner in this very ep, but Buck's belief in Eddie coming back for so long only makes his eventual spiraling worse). That's when they do some stupid, self-destructive and uncharacteristic things, that happen in connection with the new female firefighter who has joined the team. Lena introduces Eddie to street fighting while Lucy stirs Buck down the path of cheating and lying to his gf (...I might make a separate post later about Buck and his consent). Beyond the fact that the arcs so perfectly align, they also show just how much Buck and Eddie have in common. It’s one of the reasons why they know and get each other so well, why they fit so perfectly. ~~~

During Lucy’s introduction, Buck compliments her, while she only rates his work during that emergency call as a 7. It made me think about how almost every long term partner Buck has had in the past has belittled, dismissed or not been there for him in some way. Abby called him “boy toy” and seemed to look down on some of his beliefs, Ali wasn’t there for most of their r/s, Taylor told him off far too harshly IMO when he didn’t wanna be on his own at a dinner where his ex date was hooking up with his roomie/brother-in-law, and now Lucy condescended him. The only one who didn’t do that, the only one who lifted Buck up right away, who complimented him and valued being partnered with him from the very get go was Eddie. Even when they had a fight and Eddie said some harsh words in 305, they were literally his way of saying how much he needs Buck and can’t handle not having him around. I’ve been saying this since my meta about s2, but the show keeps highlighting that they are the perfect match for each other.

(to save people’s dash, the rest goes under a cut. HUGE thank you to @judsonryder and @whosoldherout who are legends for stepping up and helping with the gifs!) ~~~

The couple in the Speed call! Okay, first I have to make a small confession, I wrote my fic Nothing So Gentle (with its side dish of SEAL!Buck) because I wanted to try and convey the emotional charge of my fave scene in that movie. The plots are nothing alike, but Speed was my inspiration, so imagine how surprised I was to learn 911 was paying tribute to this film! And that the writers made the couple on this call meaningful to Buddie, too. The wife insists she can’t have the husband die, that she would rather die in his place, which parallels what Buck said to Eddie in ep 414. If that’s not enough, she also mentions child custody in that context, and what do you know, Buck’s words about having preferred to be the one who had been shot led to a conversation about child custody, where Eddie told him he’s entrusting him with Chris. This stuff can’t be unintentional. ~~~

I have to say that Josh was quite harsh with Eddie, but his words make it clear to us in a way the scene itself couldn’t have (because we’ve seen more than one call takeover at the dispatch center) that Eddie stepped way out of the line of his job description when he did what he did. It shows just how much he needed to be there for his old team (his actual chosen family, not people who see him as a guest in their home... what a wild reminder of 311, when Eddie talked about choosing the 118, while Buck said he wasn’t really a guest at Eddie’s). Because at the end of the day, Eddie is not the guy who comfortably steps out of line. So if he did this time, instead of going to Josh/Sue, it’s 'coz he needed to help his family, NEEDED to keep his promise to Buck (who he was watching on screen risking his life) and have his back that badly. ~~~

Even while down and out (hating his job, tired due to sleep deprivation, just having been told off despite saving the day), Eddie still misses his team and loves them so much, he right away goes over to meet with them at the pub after the Speed call. That makes him being the stranger who’s on the outside looking in, for the first time not identifying as being with the firefighters, hurt even more.

But in case we were in doubt about how much Buck is central to this feeling, the scene is shot in a way that makes him stand out within the team (just like Buddie were always battlefield boyfriends, a team of their own within the 118). Buck is the only one whose face is clearly and fully visible, lit and turned in the perfect direction for Eddie’s gaze to fall on it. This focus of course parallels the one on Eddie responding to a call with Lena during Buck’s visit to the fire station in 304, but I really want to emphasize on its own the depths of Eddie’s love, which moved him to go to that pub immediately on the heels of that call, and the magnitude of his pain when, in spite of his love, he felt he didn’t belong anymore, they seemed to him quite content, not looking for him like he was for them, so he ended up leaving right after he got there without even saying a word to his chosen family...

~~~

OK, I believe Bobby’s talk about finding the right person to join the team being such a challenge because if it’s not the right dynamics, everything falls apart, is in subtext a comment on shows’ own struggle over seasons to balance the cast viewers love with outsider characters who will keep the show from turning stale, but mustn’t harm what the audience already loves about the show. This was particularly painfully clear a struggle for 911 in s5 as some of the regulars had to take a step back during it. We’ll see what lasting effects the showrunners’ decisions will have on it, and probably this will be especially tested with Lucy, who joins as the instrument that will undo Buck’s r/s with Taylor and force him to examine himself... But since this is a nod at the showrunners’ own work, what does it say, that Bobby refers to himself as a matchmaker, when we know he’s the one who put Buck and Eddie together as a team?

~~~ I mentioned in a reply to an ask I got before the ep aired that I think if Buck will cheat on his gf, it would be very much like Eddie, Chim or Bobby, who all became physically aggressive when they were at their lowest point. They did something awful, but also very uncharacteristic of them, showing just how out of balance they were. Buck cheating is an indication that he’s at his lowest point precisely because the kind of person that he is would never normally cheat on a partner. He’s been shown repeatedly to be sensitive, loyal and empathetic to the pain of others. But the lying that follows is also something showing us how badly he’s handling things. Especially given Hen’s past experience, he should have known better. But I also find it telling how, during his attempts at honesty (consulting with Hen, talking to Taylor), he says he loves his gf and things have been great. Except we’ve caught more than one glimpse during 5a of the fact that no, things haven’t been that good, something has always been off with B/T and the fact that he ended up cheating on her is also an indication of that. On some level, Buck isn’t just lying to Taylor, he’s also lying to himself. Even the most honest description he gives of the B/T relationship, giving it the unromantic title of being his most functional one, is still off the mark, because really, his most functional, healthiest, most supportive, happiest and most loving r/s has been the one he’s developed with Eddie, their bond on and off the field and co-parenting Chris together. So yeah, Buck won’t be able to come clean with his gf until he admits his own unhappiness. And doesn’t that just parallel where Eddie’s at in this very ep, having to finally own up to his own misery? ~~~

Eddie’s been struggling with his new job, his unhappiness and his fatigue for quite a while, and in all that time, during all those sleepless nights, he suffered alone, in his bed. The first time that he fails to keep it to himself is right after he sees his team at the pub, with that special focus on Buck. He can’t contain how he feels, so for once, he doesn’t confine himself to his bed, he’s up in the kitchen at night, where Chris finds him, and they finally have the talk we all knew they needed to have back in 510. I just have to say, Christopher is a beautiful KING! I didn’t know I could love him even more, but here I am, doing just that. “I can be brave, too.” That is clearly the son of two brave firefighters! But once again, I’m going to point out the depth of Eddie’s emotions brought up by seeing his team and his best friend without him. Especially given how closed off he thinks he always needs to be, has been for months, it speaks volumes of how much love that man has for his found family. How could Buck possibly not fall in love with him immediately? One way or another, I have to believe that 911 will let all of this buildup and love pay off eventually...

~~~ Thank you so much for reading! You can find more of my content (meta, gifs, fics) on my blog, don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. And thank you for any support, especially for reblogs that allow others to discover and enjoy these meta posts as well. xoxox

[hotwings0203]

Okay idk wtf this is too but I’m bored at work so lemme do smthn rq.

Songs That Inspire My Works

Scary Yandere Songs:

Mezzanine-the song is sung is a very gritted-teeth type of way. Almost like the yandere is sitting in a dark room on a chair, just staring at a picture of the darling or mindlessly watching tv, positively seething about how giddy and happy she is. There’s one part of the song that goes “All these half floors will lead to mine” and it just makes me think of him basically saying that he’s gonna make her fall off her high horse and succumb to his level. Very Shigaraki vibes for a happy bubbly girl.

Still- verrryyy crazy drunk shigaraki vibes. The song was actually based on the lead singer who played with bones on a train track when he was younger. When the lyrics say “follow me into the trees, I will lead the way” that line gives me chills

Maidaiz-any generic yandere tbh, usually Dabi-actually, maybe Hawks cuz the voice is so smooth and buttery, and he’s singing about a chained girl surrounded by jewels and pearls. Idk it kinda fueled my Gilded Cage fic cuz he showered her with all this money and she still was just a captive at the end of the day

Dangerous- reminds me of kuroiro and tamaki sometimes, nothing too big here, just the reader feeling like they’re being watched by an unseen force

Kilmaa- OOOO now this is a good one cuz the whole music video and song itself is about a girl kidnapped into sex slavery basically and breaking out. In the video the girl is captured by this big powerful business man/mafia type guy, and at the end of all her trauma she stabs the guy and k/lls him. I’m thinking maybe hawks or dabi cuz yknow, big scary powerful guy gets his share of dues or whatever.

In For It- the song isn’t too scary on its own but just the slow kind of raspy way Tory Lanez sings makes me think of a darling in a club and is just dancing around when she sees maybe Bakugo staring her down all menacingly and lustful. She gets nervous and tries to avoid eye contact, but at the end of the song when it gets deeper and slower at the “I’m so offended” part, it makes me imagine he gets up and starts going after her.

Angst or Fluff

Turning Page-maybe makes me think of shigaraki or tamaki, very soft boys on the inside (and out for tamaki), like they start watching you out of the corner of their eyes unconsciously to catch you smiling or laughing. One of my fav lines is in there, “Your love was my turning page/where only the sweetest words were made” and idk it just makes me all mushy and soft

American Girls and French Kiss- I wrote a dabixhawks fic a while back, not one of my most popular pieces but I still had fun writing it. It was before 290 came out and everyone thought dabi knew who hawks was cuz of the childhood friends theory, and this song was kind of like a “fuck you im fine but not” vibe that went along with the angst potential of that side

Hold On Till May- this one I feel like can be used for dabi or shigaraki and their backstories. The song itself is about one of Vince’s ex gfs who was abused at home and would run away and wait for her parents to come find her(spoiler alert-they would never care enough to go after her). So I think in terms of backstories and exploring that part with the darling or character, you could take it both ways-either the guy is singing to the girl that it will all be okay, and that even though they’re both broken he’ll try for her. OR if it’s from the darling’s POV she could be saying like even though the character (Dabi or shiggy) have had a rough life shes there for them now.

Berenstein- super angsty song, reminds me of my ex tbh. Berenstein refers to (if I remember correctly) a memory shared by others even though the memory didn’t actually happen. I always think of this whenever there’s an ending where the character has to leave the reader and one day just reminisces about what they had. It’s like in the end they’ll move on and their lives don’t really change in terms of lifestyle of daily activities, but if they think back far enough, they can catch a glimpse of someone who used to be their everyhting. Very much dabi and shig.

Stay With Me- bakugo vibes, it’s like two ppl fighting and telling each other that the other was the one who left, but ultimately it doesn’t matter because he just wants them back and to not leave.

102- a lot of the 1975 songs get me in my feels (which is a tragedy cuz Matty Healy is islamophobic as fuck) and this one is another one. Major Dabi or Kirishima vibes, the song is about being friends and in love with a girl who is in love with someone else. It’s like you don’t know what to do with yourself and all that love you have for her

Anyways yeah if any of y’all wanna chime in w ur own fic song recommendations just reblog and continue this ig?? Tag people, or not lol just read all of this bs and have fun w it🤷🏽‍♀️

[tawmlinsun]

@sinterblackwell​​ tagged me for this book tag, so thank you kaylina! i’ve really gotten back into reading this summer so i’m v excited to get into these questions 🥰

how many books are too many books in a series?

oof i think 5 is kinda pushing it??? i mean i grew up with harry potter and percy jackson, but i probs wouldn’t pick up a new 5+ book series today. i’d honestly rather do 5+ stand alone books from a single author than a long series

how do you feel about cliffhangers?

depends on the book. i like having a complete story when i close a book, but i also enjoy cliffhangers that really push a series forward (though i hate the anticipation of waiting for the next book!!!). i feel like i know a good cliffhanger when i read it akldsjlaksdf

hardback or paperback?

paperback!!! hardcover books always feel too stiff in my hands. i like how pliable and light paperbacks are

least favorite book?

well i really hated the lord of the flies when i read it in high school asljasfk idk if it’s my absolute least favorite, but it’s defs up there, right along with ethan frome

love triangles, yes or no?

yes, when done right. love triangles for cheap and pointless drama suck. but love triangles that have a deeper meaning, where each suitor represents something different for the main character and lets them grow, are where it’s fucken at. the hunger games still has one of the best love triangles i’ve ever seen in YA. i also really liked the love triangle in kelly quindlen’s she drives me crazy, where scottie had to deal with developing feelings for someone new while still having lingering feelings for a toxic ex that she’s trying to heal from. 

the most recent book you just couldn’t finish?

i actually hate not finishing books!!! the only time i don’t finish a book is when it’s an assignment for school and i just have so much going on that i don’t have time to finish. i’ve been out of school for a couple years now, but the last one i didn’t finish was beasts of burden: animal and disability liberation by sunaura taylor, which was for a disability theory class. i got about halfway through it, and i actually would like to finish it one day!!

a book you’re currently reading?

just picked up little black dresses, little white lies by laura stampler. i read it years ago and for some reason it kept popping out at me every time i walked by my bookshelf. nothing to write home about, but defs a cute and light read to end the summer. plus i’ve read three e-books in a row and i miss having a physical book in my hands 😂

last book you recommended to someone?

she drives me crazy by kelly quindlen. i rec’d it to my gf bc there were a lot of lil moments in it that reminded me of her 🥰

oldest book you’ve read?

off the top of my head i’d say the epic of gilgamesh. it was one of the first books i read my freshman year of college for my liberal arts core. that class was focused on ancient texts so we also read parts of the iliad and the bible (among many others i’m forgetting) but i think gilgamesh is the oldest

newest book you’ve read?

one last stop by casey mcquiston!!! adored it!! v excited for their wlw ya debut next year!!!!

favorite author?

i honestly have no idea. i spent my entire childhood saying jkr was my favorite author (🙃), but now that i’m getting back into reading as an adult, i think my favorite author is still to be discovered. i do really really love casey mcquiston’s writing tho!

buying books or borrowing books?

buying always!!! i enjoy borrowing from the library or from friends, but i love the feeling of buying a new book and making a lil home for it on my bookshelf that i can always come back to whenever i want to revisit the story. also i hate finding a story i love and then having to give up my copy at the end!!! i borrowed the song of achilles from a friend and now i need to buy a copy omg

a book you dislike that everyone else seems to love?

oooh dislike is a strong word for it, but maybe where the crawdads sing by delia owens. everyone i know who has read it has absolutely raved about it, but i just. wasn’t impressed. the ending was predictable and underwhelming, and the constant back-and-forth between coming-of-age story and murder mystery was off-putting and kept me disengaged from the book.

bookmarks or dog-ears?

bookmarks!!! i hate dog-earing my books asljask if pages get folded up by accident i will literally unfold them and then leave the book under a paperweight for a day or two to fix it 😂😂😂 the bookmark i’m using right now is from my fave lil indie bookshop in new hampshire

a book you can always reread?

my tried-and-true classic is audrey, wait! by robin benway. i read it for the first time in 7th grade (so literally half my life ago holy shit alksdjafsd) and the writing doesn’t really hold up now, but it just shaped me so much as a kid and will always always hold a place in my heart. i usually come back to it every year or two (and use the same bookmark every time lol)

can you read while listening to music?

yes, unless the book is super intense or complex. i couldn’t listen to music while doing any sort of reading for school, actually. and the music has to fit the book!! i read one last stop while listening to clairo’s immunity, and then listened to waterparks while reading one of us is lying.

one pov or multiple povs?

i prefer one pov, but do like multiple povs sometimes. if there are multiple povs, i like when there’s a rhythm to the pov switches (characters take every other chapter, or maybe two chapters in a row before switching, etc.)

do you read a book in one sitting or over multiple days?

multiple days, typically. i most often don’t have a long enough chunk of time on my hands to tear through a book in a single setting anyway lol

who do you tag? 

i’m tagging: @lepetitepeach, @fatoujallovv, @sweetbitterpdf, @feathered-minds, @kritiquer, and @brieflygorgeouss 💖🌻💖🌻💖

[hoochy-coo]

I guess she was talking about "I bet that she knows Billy Joel cause you played her Uptown Girl".

But this whole Olivia is misogynistic thing because she mentioned a blonde girl that made her insecure in drivers license (which I didn't think anything of and read it as 'she's what I would like to be for you to like me') reminds me a lot of early days TS slander.

People are so adamant on hating this girl who just released her SECOND song, is crazy.

And it's not like she's trash talking the new girl in the rs or being irrationally jealous and hurtful. Both songs are about what she is going through in the process of letting go.

Ok fair but I feel like we’ve all felt that way before our ex’s new girl. It’s not really coming from a place of malice but bitterness.

That kind of personal lyricism is a double edge sword. Olivia is resonating with the radio because she’s open with her vulnerability and insecurities that stems from a breakup/being left for another girl. When that happens, you’re ultimately going to have a period of obsessing over what it is this new partner has that you don’t, and is that why your ex picked him/her over you? That’s a very natural, very human response and she’s channeling that. She’s addressing the new gf to paint a fuller picture but like you said, she’s not dragging her rather him. Her frustration isn’t aimed at the new girl, it’s aimed at her ex and how he exited their relationship.

And Olivia is barely an adult, people need to stop dragging/sending hate to children. Fame is hard enough as it is, let alone experiencing it as a young adult.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #299

“you look so beautiful tonight  /  reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life.”

Ever done any drugs? Besides alcohol, no. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. What’s your favorite show to binge? I could only ever willingly *binge* Meerkat Manor and not get bored after like, two episodes. Do you watch porn? No, it's never appealed to me. What’s one of your fantasies? Being financially stable. :^) Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? I've lightly considered getting one, but I really doubt I ever will. What’s the most overrated movie? /shrug. Let people like what they like. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. I'd love to get to know my Facebook acquaintance Courtlynn better; I've wanted to for a long time. I think we could be fantastic friends. We'll like each other's stuff regularly and occasionally leave comments, but we don't really talk. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Paper ones, by a long shot. I just really like the feeling of a book and being able to clearly see how far in you are. I enjoy the smell and sound of turning pages. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick? Probably Wonderland, realistically. I would say Azeroth, but too much world-threatening shit goes on every day lol. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? G O T H Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yep. Do you drink? Very, very rarely. Almost exclusively during celebrations or on the once in a blue moon occasion we go to a sit-down restaurant. Do you read erotica? No. It would make me super uncomfortable. What color was the last candle you lit? I don't remember at all. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Well, not exactly me. Mom and Nicole both had memberships to Planet Fitness, and I was able to come as a guest. It was just cheaper that way. What color was the last fish you had? That I owned or ate? Either way, idr. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. If you play The Sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I don't play it. Does your animal sleep with you? Roman does, yes. He legitimately spoons with me lmao. Sometimes he'll move to the bottom of the bed, other times he'll sleep through most of the night there. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? Yes. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rock Band? "Hotel California" by The Eagles on expert is so much fun and just feels good. The ending solo is just great. When you drink chocolate milk do you just buy the jug of it or the syrup that you can put into the milk? Almost always just the chocolate syrup. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. What’s the worst abuse you have done to your phone? I know I've thrown it across the room once. Well, not my current phone, but a really old one. How did you meet your first love? High school. Well, you could maybe say Facebook. He sent me a friend request and I literally only accepted it because I thought it was another Jason. We talked via messenger some and then we ran into each other at school, and tbh I kinda knew I was fucked from there lmao. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s underwear? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever kissed in a pool? Yeah. Are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others? I absolutely cannot write in front of others, and I HATE drawing when people are watching. What do you do when you simply don’t know what to do? Odds are I'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something in WoW that sounds even remotely fun, or I'll browse Facebook. How did you find out about your current favorite band? He's one of my mom's favorite singers/bands, so I grew up with some of his music, and when I was getting into rock and metal, I decided to go through her music case and listen to some of it. Ozzy's Black Rain album set the adoration into motion. Where are you most likely to go when you need clothing? The Internet or Wal-Mart, depending on what kind of clothes I need. When was the last time you tried to do something yet failed? I should have an answer for this very quickly... yet I'm unsure. I don't think anything *major* has happened in a while. Oh, this is a tiny thing, but I did look really hard for the pencil sharpener so my niece could finish coloring her drawing, but I couldn't find the damn thing for anything. Do you think your life is comprised more of success or failure? Lots and lots of failure. What’s one personality trait that’s not strong in you? Uhhh outgoing, ig. Are you a difficult individual to get to know? Considering I hide a lot about myself to try and be accepted, yes. When was the last time you opened up to someone and about what? Literally yesterday to my mom about this unreasonably massive fear I've had lately that she doesn't have much longer in her. I'm terrified she's going to get COVID or her cancer just comes back faster than we hope. To whom do you feel the most important? My mom. Is there something you want but might not ever have? Many things. What’s something you’re working to obtain? Mental stability. Do you tend to enjoy your dreams? No, considering they're usually violent and rarely just psychotic nightmares. Are there any projects or goals you’ve recently abandoned? Hm. What in life serves to keep you going? The hope it'll get better, and I'll reach a point of actually being happy and content with my life. What was the last good news you received? Nicole's trip to Maryland to bring back a baby was successful (if that sounds weird, she's a child social worker). He has a heart condition where if his heartbeat or something like that was irregular, she'd have driven all the way up there for nothing; the baby wouldn't have been able to take the ride. Are you more inclined to appreciate sweet or savory foods? Sweet. Are romantic relationships important to you at this point in your life? I mean I'd like to be in one, but I highly doubt it'd be successful, just given where I am in life. I'd be signing up for heartbreak. Who was the last person to apologize to you for something they did? I don't know. Probably Mom for something minor, like just bumping into me or something. Are you wearing a necklace, and if so, who got it for you? No. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately? Lately? Uh. I don't know, but I can guarantee to you it wasn't long ago at all, considering breathing embarrasses me, pretty much. Do you ‘think out loud’? Sometimes. Do you take gummy vitamins? No. How do you know the majority of the people you know? Former schools. Hell, or maybe various online locations. I just might have more online friends and acquaintances than in-person. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I've talked about my pebble from my partial hospitalization program enough. Can you play electric guitar? I used to be able to play a little bit; I took guitar lessons for a short while in high school. Best I could do was the intro to "Crazy Train," but I'd still occasionally mess up. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you believe in ghosts/supernatural occurrences? Yes. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yeah. Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? Yes, usually songs that are also angry. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? The only case this has ever happened was with Jason and his gf after me. There are no words to describe the fucking hatred I felt. I haven't seen pictures of him with an s/o in a long time, and I absolutely never plan on seeking them out ever again. What song are you listening to right now? "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva. If you’re not in college, why? I couldn't handle the stress anymore. Just couldn't. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? I have a good number of old ones from high school, actually. I wore them all the time. I could never fit into them now. Favorite fictional character? Um, Darkiplier, duh. Most recent thing you are looking forward to? I think it's finally set in stone that I'm getting my tattoo redone soon. Thanks to my laptop saying "ha fuck you," it's not as soon as I originally planned since I had to pay to fix it, but Mom seems fine with helping me pay for my birthday. Not a guarantee that it'll happen on that date of course, given scheduling, but yeah. It should fucking finally be happening. How many stairs can you climb before you wanna pass out? This is too embarrassing to even answer lmao. Have you ever kissed someone with braces? No. Would you ever consider adoption? I don't want kids, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. I feel like I'd personally need the "wow this is a part of me (and/or my s/o)" connection. Do you ever go hunting/fishing? I would never go hunting, and the only occasion in which I'd fish again is if Dad asked me. I don't like the idea of fishing for fun anymore, but that's like... always been our bonding experience, and I wouldn't tell him no. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Knew. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Who are your godparents? I don't think I have any. Do you have any friends who are famous? I have two friends who are parts of bands, but idk how successful they are. I don't think either are like, huge. Nova Mortis if you're into heavy metal and I think Toukan does rap? When was the last time you stayed at a hotel? Hm. I have no idea. What side of a heart do you draw first? Uhhhh I think the left? What is your mom saved as in your phone? "Mama Bear." Do you want your tongue pierced? I had snake eyes for a while, but I took them out because I kept chipping my teeth. I miss that piercing, it was so cute, but it wasn't worth ruining my teeth. Ever made out in a pool? It's possible very briefly, idr. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? SHORT. SHORT. SHORT. Do you change your phone background a lot? Not really. Would you get back with your last ex if you could? Yeah. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes. What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate is way too sweet. Did anyone see your last kiss? It was at an airport, so probably. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean, I do, but I don't really know how smart it would be right now. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? A few. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Girt. Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Hell naw man, I looked up to them lmao. What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) Queen. Do you like spaghetti? Hell yeah. It was my favorite food as a kid. What about lasagna? No; I don't like the cheese at all. Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mosquitoes of course, as well as a bee once. Maybe other things, idk. Have you ever worn contacts? (even just to try them out) Yes, but I changed to glasses because I had too much trouble putting them in and taking them out. Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? No. Have you ever been screened for STDs? No. Did you have your tonsils taken out? No. Did you have your appendix taken out? No. Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? What is a "collector's" glass or mug? Were you your parents’ first born? No; I'm the middle child. Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No. Were you born perfectly healthy or with some (or a lot) of health issues? I was born healthy. Good 'ole days. Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Ohhhh yes, my neighbor and I loved doing that. My favorite was catching fireflies with my sisters, though. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend. I'd get lonely. Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? A whole lot, sadly... I'm despising that disease more and more every day that goes by. I know far too many people who have it or have died at its hands. Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No. Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? N/A. Do not stay in a relationship where fighting is common. Would you ever share a site password with a family member or partner? I mean sure, depending on the site and person, and the reason they (may) need it. Has anyone ever told you they couldn't trust you? Hm... I actually don't think so? Who in your family has the prettiest eyes? Idk, I don't see enough of my extended family to know. What is an odd food item you would like to try, or have tried? I'm sure there's something I'd like to try, but nothing I think about with consistency, really... Most "odd" food I find unappealing anyway. When/if you drive, do you go the speedlimit? When I did, I certainly always tried to, but I was bad at maintaining a stable speed. I went up and down too much. Are you an aggressive driver? Or more passive-aggressive? I was dangerously passive at driving. Describe a hairstyle you had as a little kid? Well, I had long hair with bangs. What routine of yours would you most hate to break? Probably stopping getting a soda first thing in the morning... That is like so deeply ingrained into my day and is a motivator to get up in the first place. I want to change this to where I'm not allowed to grab one until I've had a full cup of water, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. Has jealousy ever ruined one of your friendships/relationships? Honestly? I think it's possible that Jason totally split on me because of it. We were in this very unstable "friends" position after the breakup and hung out very briefly and awkwardly twice (which I'm pretty sure he didn't want), and I think one of our last attempts at conversation was who a girl he was talking to via Messenger was. No, before any assumptions are made, I didn't snoop. He showed me something on his phone and I just inevitably saw the little Facebook chat icon of a girl I didn't recognize. I don't even remember his answer. I just know it wasn't too long later I was blocked and everything. What is one restaurant you would NOT recommend? I personally am not a Chili's fan. What was your last conversation about? Mom and I were just talking about what a mush the cat is, haha. Who is your favorite person to debate or discuss with? Yo fuck debates, I got mad anxiety over that kind of stuff. Are you more likely to praise or insult yourself? Why? Insult. I don't even believe myself when I try praising, so it's not worth the effort. I have a billion and two reasons. Do you enjoy cloudy days? Why or why not? Honestly, not very much anymore. I've found that it actually does affect my mood. I like some cloud coverage, though. Would it bother you to be forgotten after death? Yes, even though when you think about it, most of us will be. I want to do stomething so badly; not even particularly something major, but just contribute to things and causes that matter and slowly change the world for the better. It's especially likely I will be forgotten though at some point because I don't want kids, so my blood isn't carrying on. Do you tend to prefer healthy or unhealthy snacks? Ugh, unhealthy. Has anyone ever asked you for diet advice? I think so, back when I started recovery and lost like 60 lbs fast as fuck. I wasn't even dieting though, just... came off awful meds. What age is your youngest aunt? Ummmm I have no clue. Do you like bowling? Yeah, it's fun, but I'm not good at it. Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire? Totally. Do you prefer sweet or sour fruits? Sweet. How're your dancing skills? Rusted to the point of just not functional anymore lmao. What brand of batteries do you usually get? I don't pay attention to the kind Mom gets. Are any of your friends pregnant or have kids? A lot of my FB friends have kids. At least two are pregnant, but I only consider myself remotely close to one. I'm beyond worried about how she's going to be as a mom. Where's the strangest place a fast food restaurant was located? I've certainly seen some questionable placement in busy areas, but none that are super odd. Do you stay up all night on New Years Eve/Day or go to bed after 12am? I don't care nowadays; I just stay up until I'm tired like every other night.

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

Before I forget it

I want to reminisce on the good. The first night we met. When your friend invited me to hangout but all I could see was you. So many people around us but I just fixated on you. When I asked you to be my research participant. I forget, so I showed up with no makeup, sweatpants, and an old T-shirt. For some reason you flirted with me the whole time, you laughed (I can't forget that laugh) and ruined your data. I added you on Facebook and we talked for days on end. I ruined it the first time for some drug addict.

That summer, we ended up in the same city in Italy. For one night. I said "I'm in Florence! Just for tonight." And you said "I'm in Florence! Tonight!". You met me at my Airbnb, we walked around the city. You bought me a rose, and we kissed on the bridge, over the water. I didn't feel "Sparks" so I assumed we weren't meant to be. What a stupid fucking girl.

We talked for a couple months after. Me distant, you growing. Eventually you met someone else. Just when I convinced myself you were it, to give it a shot, we stopped talking all together. You had someone.

The next semester (my last semester) you and I ended up in the same writing class. It was weird, because I wouldn't have been in that class if my credits for my original minor hadn't gotten denied the week before.

My ex roommate was also in that class. I wanted to resolve at least one conflict, so I messaged you on Instagram. Asked if we could avoid the awkward and be friends. You agreed. We talked every day after. You with a gf. Me with a bf I acquired half way through the semester. You and her broke up. We still talked every day. I started to realize that I felt happier spending time with you than I ever felt with him. I dumped him, and yet the guilt I felt from that kept me from being with you. The semester ended and I went home.

The next year I entered graduate school. I called you about once a week. We were there for each other. I didn't think much of it until we both came home. On the plane ride back to Austin, I listened to NF's song "If you want Love". I asked you on a date, we saw the lights together, you kissed me, I had a panic attack (not you, just trauma). Asked you to stop. You were so nice about it. We drove back to my place, and on the way, you played "If you want Love", with absolutely no idea that I even knew NF... We talked about him for hours. At my house, we had the night. We did nothing but talk about our life, our desires, our struggles... That night, I knew then that I liked you. For real. Liked you. After that we'd make any excuse to see one another. My dad loved you. He'd tell me you were invited over any time. I hate touching, but I cried one night because I missed the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. You were... Everything to me. Not because of some wild expectations. Just that being with you felt like every single rom com I ever misjudged.

I remember New year's Eve I invited you to spend the night at a hotel with me. I remember leaving you in the room alone to see my mom, and having a panic attack because I was terrified you'd pressure me into something (I knew you wouldn't, just trauma coming to the surface). When I came back, you and I just watched my favorite TV show. That was it. You never asked me for more than a peck. The whole night we just talked and watched Bojack. That was the night I knew I could trust you. The night I knew I was safe with you.

Every night you respected my need for slow moving... Every night felt like me and you. Even that night when you took me to your friends... That was a bad night. We all got way too drunk and your friend and I wouldn't stop arguing... He said something related to family that reminded me of my mom and I made you leave, then broke down crying in front of you. I've never felt so embarrassed. But even through that you were my rock.

We drove 15 straight hours from Texas to Kentucky (your school) together and had one argument, but even that didn't drive me crazy. We drove 15 hours straight and never got tired of one another. That was the first night I tried Popeye's. A dumb realization, but I've refused to eat it since then (to preserve our memory, I guess). We spent the next three days together in your apartment. Still, I realized it wasn't long enough. That was when I knew, for sure, that you were my person.

And yet, when push came to shove. I pushed you away.

You told me "if you're not going to text me one day, let me know in advance", and I exploded. I could give 1000 reasons for why: I was stressed, depressed, lonely without you there... But it doesn't make up for the fact that I broke your heart. I was selfish and I broke your heart.

And despite growing up now, I can't fix that. I gave up on my potential husband, and there's no going back on that.

No matter how many drunk texts I send

I fucked up.

And I'm so sorry.

But I hope I never forget.

[quackspot]

Every single one of the talk about meme questions. Just kidding, pick any 6 you wanna do

m gona do whatever i can talk about bc i like to talk about myself

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

getting addicted to th internet but of course i wouldn’t be here but i would likely be better off socially .  or maybe just being born as i am sometimes i think about how if i were born male things would be Much better for me like socially n stuff like that.. sometimes i jut wish i coud chest bump and cheer with friends n goof around and be crazy yeah i can be like that but it’d feel kind of weird (or just weird at first)

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.

one year i got a club penguin membership and i was in chuck e cheeses and then another year completely different but me n some friends played a game called body body in my house and it was fun

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

i dont think i did anything for my birthday last year so like oop

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

my forehead or my height

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

im pretty proud of my art and writing!! 

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

my body is very cool i like how my hair bounces when i walk because of how i walk and how my hair curls in towards my face (kind of)

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.

probably a video game one to be honest.  cant really recall. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.

i’ve had some weird dreams like when i stole the side of a locker and ran from some guy but i was late for the bus so i put the side back and it was all ok then uhhhhh one where people were doing like cheer leader pyramids and i think some dude named craig from dream daddy was there i cant quite remember if that’s the guy who was there i just remember being like “FSKLJFLKJKLF CRAIG DREAM DADDY WAS IN MY DREAM”

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.

i went to someone’s house and i kicked a tree stump then bees chases me and i dont remember much else about it it was in like 3rd grade

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

bottom

14: Talk about a vacation.

i went to florida in 6th grade for a week and i loved it very much i got a wand (and a wand ceremony >:) )

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

never

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

in like 4th grade someone told me someone else had a crush on me and i was like “ohhhhh yeah that kind of makes sense” and i just felt awkward around him since i didnt like him back 

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

OHOSHOSHODHSOHOEHO HO O O O N N NN N  THE BUSS!!! I met a good friend and the first words i said to her were something like “hi i have social anxiety” and she was like “me too!!!” hten we were friends and then i went to another school in 8th grade and we never talked ever again and im in 10th grade now o-o

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

last year i went to the bathroom and said “let there be light” while walking in and hte lights came on

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

also last year someone who i considered like somewhat close friend (we dont talk anymore sadly he had fun games? i dunno he was rich and white and yeah he was fun to hang out with n stuff) and he asked me if i wanted to be his gf and i was like “nahh hahaha im not ready for that kind of thing” and i didnt like him that way also it was during challenge day aka  a day where people came in and were like “man we all sad let’s hug :)”

22: Talk about your worst fear.

either bugs or the horrifying fear of hte unknown and growing up

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

cant get turned down if you’ve only asked 1  person if you’d like to get together twice and they said yes both times but you started thinking you weren’t right for them then broke up B)

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

someone i’ll call m&m because she didn’t like being called that uhh she was rather rude and had a trampoline and 2 dogs and was pretty bossy i guess

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.

literally nothign new i just do what i do but maybe actually just. yeah thts basically what i did recently i had a stuffy nose and like mucus or something in my mouth and it’s still like that but the only thing i really changed was nasal spray ! i use that at night but i might stop soon since im feeling better

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

it depends on how you die. there’s probably like the last moments and then nothing. nobody knows what happens next. you might get revived or you might just be nothing forever and that’s rather scary to me

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

i remember my first house i lived in and i walked back home from elementary school and it was cool

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

tell myself “hey stop being sad” or cry if im alone 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.

MY LEGS TODAY WERE GUCKNVIGTIORJ LKEKL JRIOFDJKLSAJIDFKEDSL ohh wait worst ok

so it was a period pain and i was on my bed and i was crying and i was curled up and a thught appeared in my head.... “what if i drew a pentagram on my hand?” because jamie said that brought her luck and i was like “fuck it might as well try it” so then i had a pentagram on my hand and satan didn’t help me with period cramps

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

stop being nervous abt talking to people i guess lol. . . . making friends hard if u cant say hi 

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

my little pony n stuff sometimes i just watch kids shows when im bored

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

idk i dont think i’ve truly fallen in love but im sure i was in love with kiley at least a little bit 

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

when i first listened to melancholy blues i thought of sparkling cookie i know he’s not real but songs don’t remind me of real people

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

golden birthdays because my golden birthday was when i was 5  actually theyre nothing special but.. .  still wig

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

we dont have fishies anymore and that’s becuase we have a dog and a cat now :(((( miss u fish....... 

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Love Potion Extravaganza Bonus

Thanks as always to @pizzansunshine for editing what I promise to be the final of the love potion extravaganza. As I said before, I wanted to include the sirenas. And thanks to Crazy Ex Gf releasing one last song on love, it inspired me to write this. As you can guess from the song, Love is not a game https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G9VnIL33TvI There is plenty of bets. Hope y’all enjoy. 

Marisa ran to the post office of Buena Vista, waving frantically to the elderly post man who was shifting through his bag, “Hi! Hello! Is there anything for us? It would be in a royal document sealed with the Avaloran crest and-” 

“Sí Princesa, I know what document you are waiting for. You have been stopping by every morning and afternoon to see if it has arrived.” The postman said smoothing his grey mustache in a torturously slow fashion instead of looking at his letters for a document for her.

“Well?” Marisa asked eagerly, clasping her hands together in an effort to keep from grabbing his bag and looking through the letters herself.

“No, no letters this morning from the central area. Try again in the afternoon.” The postman shrugged, “Oh but here are the postcards you wanted.”

He handed three blank postcards with dazzling images of Cariza, Tir ná Nög and Brazendale. 

How she would love to visit! 

Ever since the peace treaty was signed between the Avalorans and the Sirenas and the subsequent Royal Retreat Marzel attended, her parents had become more open to the idea of travelling around to another sea and visiting. So Marisa started planning the trip by asking the postman for postcards of other kingdoms so they would get to see what they looked like today. Mom had told them stories of what they were like when she was young but she had only heard rumors of what they were like, she had mainly resided in Avalor when she was human and only visited Cordóba once.

From the postcards she had so far, Marisa was more partial to visiting Napurna it looked gorgeous with the image of the Salt Sea and Marzel had said King Raj was a very bubbly fellow to be with.

But despite the postcards, it didn’t make up for the loss of curiosity and excitement she had for the Avaloran’s upcoming letter.

Elena had had a trade meeting recently between Paraíso and Cordóba that almost ended in chaos thanks to Carla Delgado setting off a love potion through the town. Elena had been sending episodic letters about the entire situation, who fell in love with who, how they acted, what Carla had been doing, etc. and they had just arrived at the second to last letter where everyone drank the antidote and was back to normal even though Carla escaped.

Elena had finished the letter promising that her last letter would detail what had come out of the circumstances and Marisa was dying to know!

“Wow, Marisa,” Marzel panted, running up next to her to rest his arm on her shoulder, “Slow down. You have a lot more practice on legs than me. You’re too fast.”

“Here’s your hat señor,” the postman broke in between them to hand Marzel the fedora he requested. Elena had also been giving him fashion advice for how to blend in with humans and he had been obediently ordering them from local stores as she had suggested. Last week’s letter told him to get a fedora and get rid of the loud purple sombrero and feather hat that he had been keeping in his room.

“Cool!” Marzel spun the rim of the snazzy black fedora on his head, and almost missed hearing Marisa’s jibe.

“I’m not that fast on legs. You’re just clumsy.” Marisa retorted narrowly avoided the jab Marzel aimed at her ribs for the insult.

Before Marzel could fire back at her with his own comment on her walking skills, Marisa changed the subject to the important topic, “No letter this morning.”

“Come on!” Marzel cried, “I need to know if Elena ended up with Gabe!”

“Gabe?” Marisa wrinkled her nose as they turned to walk back through town to the seashore, “Do you not know, Elena? She’s obviously into Mateo. She’s going to tell us that they are dating right now. I know it.”

“She was only into Mateo because of the love spell.” Marzel gave her a condescending look.

“No! The love spell paired people who had some feelings for each other! That’s why she was all over Mateo. Why would she choose Gabe after all that anyway?” Marisa argued.

“The answer is threefold.” Marzel jabbed the air with his finger assuming his obnoxious fancy voice, “One, she felt bad for rejecting him-”

“Because she was hurting his feelings and she felt that she had no time for dating.” Marisa interrupted.

“She felt bad for rejecting him because she felt like she had to not because she wanted to. Two, they balance each other out. He’s the calm to her impulsivity. He’s knows the laws, she makes the laws.” 

“Hmm... sort of like how you balance me out, Brother?” Marisa pointed out, exaggeratingly tapping her finger against her chin.  

“Let me finish. And number three, they balance each other out as pointed out in number two.” Marzel finished proudly crossing his arms.

“So your argument is twofold.” Marisa smirked, knowing her comment was riling him up. 

“It’s threefold.” “Twofold.”

“Threefold.” “Threefold.”

“Twofold-argh!” Marzel cursed when Marisa’s switch-up caused him to accept her answer.” Fine then, why do you think Elena is into Mateo?”

“You should have seen them together after Elena defeated Shuriki. He was hanging onto her every word to make sure she was okay.” 

“Sounds like a good friendship to me.” Marzel interrupted mocking her voice from her earlier comment but Marisa ignored him. 

“They danced together at the party. And I swear when Elena put on the kelp shirt, she took a peak at Mateo..”

“Psshh that did not happen.” Marzel scoffed.

“You weren’t there.” Marisa crossed her arms, “I saw it with my own eyes.”

“No way. That’s not enough evidence. Why wouldn’t Elena like Gabe? He has it all. Good looks, he’s cautious, he has excellent fighting skills, he’s charming, the girls like him..” 

“Are you rooting for him because he’s like you? Biased much.” Marisa mocked.

“What are you two arguing about?” Cuco asked as the sirenas approached the shore where Cuco, Ocho and Daria were waiting.

“Whether Elena will end up with Gabe or Mateo.” Marisa answered, emphasizing Mateo’s name. They knew what they were talking about since the royal family plus they had been eagerly reading the letters during lunch and dinnertime. 

“That’s great.” Daria snapped curtly as to leave no room to continue the conversation, “Marzel, your dad wants to go over some public relations topic with you, and Marisa, you have to keep your promise to help the children’s singing group. It’s at lunchtime, but you insist on playing with them beforehand so you better get going now.”

Due to her role in helping Saloso and the rest malandros almost invade Coronado and the ensuing rescue, King Pescoro had demoted Daria’s army commander status to being a personal guard for the siblings for the time being. Which was for the best because with the human-sirena peace treaty, there was no need for an army commander unless they were suddenly called to war again.

Now Daria spent her day hounding them to keep on schedule and make sure they...technically Marisa... did not try to sneak off to the mainland when they were needed elsewhere for lessons or other obligations. She took the job as seriously as she took her last position, but they had all noticed that Daria mellowed out a little bit too. They heard her make a joke! It had only happened once though because the event had surprised Marisa so much that she nearly choked on her kelp taco.

“What about Alonso?” Cuco pointed out completely ignoring Daria’s instructions for them to head back to Coronado.

“What about him?” The siblings cocked their heads to the side in unison.

“Elena and Alonso.” Cuco said as if that cleared things up.

“Elena and Alonso are not here. Let’s get going.” Ocho commanded.

“No. No. I can’t picture Elena and Alonso together.” Marzel laughed, 

“Remember that part where he sang that awful song to Naomi. And he slept with the malvago. No way would Elena date a guy like him.”

“You can finish this conversation later. You have duties to attend to.” Daria reminded them, impatiently slapping her fin against the water.

“Alonso showed no interest in her. With or without the love potion.” Marisa argued with the large hippocampus.

“But who knows. Maybe they both had a change of heart after the love potion. He was going all over the place because he had no true love. Maybe Elena is the one for him. The prince and the princess” Cuco sighed dreamily. 

“No.” Marisa and Marzel insisted in unison. 

“It’s Mateo.” “It’s Gabe.”

“Will you two stop? Elena is going to say she is dating Mateo in her next letter. Now let’s go do important things then speculate about your friend’s love life. Marzel, take off that hat, we’re leaving.” Daria finished the argument for them.

“What? No you can’t think it’s Mateo too!” Marzel cried, completely ignoring her order to take off his fedora.

Daria rolled her eyes, “It’s obvious. They look at each other with complete trust whenever I saw them interact. Love is just adding tenderness to the equation.”

“No-but-no. What do you know about love?” Marzel shot back.

“I know a lot more about love, and war, and life than you do.” Daria raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“Hmm then you’re willing to put your money where your mouth is? I bet 50 sand dollars plus 3 gold doubloons that Elena ends up with Gabe.” Marzel challenged, slipping some golden doubloons from his leggings to hold up.

“I’ll bet 100 sand dollars.” Daria answered with a smirk at Marzel’s nervous gulp.

“105.” Marzel said.

“Oh oh I wanna get in this too. I’d give you 20 doubloons if you’re right. No sand dollars.” Ocho scooched up with get on top of Daria’s shoulder.

“Guys? I don’t know if we should do this. It’s one thing to debate, but betting?” Marisa said, nervously listening to the escalating numbers.

“10 sand dollars that she ends up with Alonso.” Cuco added.

“30 doubloons that if you’re right, she’ll dump him within a week.” Marzel scowled.

“I say 134 sand dollars that Alonso would get bored before Elena would dump him, and so dump her.” Daria contested.

“This is just getting mean.” Marisa vocalized as the one sound of reason but to no avail.

“Elena would dump Gabe. Who wants to bet 10 doubloons that Elena dumps Gabe?” Ocho hollered.

“Guys.”

“Elena dumps Mateo.”

“Eight sand dollars plus three copper doubloons.”

“Mateo dumps Elena!”

“Four doubloons.”

“They get married.” 

“They’ll divorce.”

“Alonso would so cheat on her.”

“300 sand dollars.” 

“Eighteen sand dollars.”

“GUYS!” Marisa yelled, freezing everyone in the middle of their frenzied betting.

Marisa walked across the shoreline looking at each of them square in the eye as she sang, “How dare you play with love? Have you no decency?

Love is what created him, and him, and her, and me.

How dare you play with love?

Is nothing sacred to you?”

Marzel and Cuco looked guiltily to the ground, Daria stared stonily ahead but tensley rubbed the doubloons in her hands, Ocho scowled.

“Love is what unites me and you and him and her and him and him and me as well.”

Marisa stared at them and their ill-at-ease postures before letting them off the hook.

“JK LOL!”

The four stared at her in confusion. Both from the odd human slang Naomi had taught her and for her sudden change of heart.

“I want in on this too. But can we be discreet about it? It feels wrong and our parents would probably say it’s wrong to place bets on Elena’s love life... It’s just I have a good feeling that I’m going to win!” Marisa squealed, holding up a sand dollar her brother dropped on the sand, “Let's do this!”

They all immediately scrambled to gather up their currencies so no straying beach goers would find them. They had decided the copper doubloons would be used for any Mateo bets since it was the closest to the color red. Silver would be Gabe and Alonso was gold. 

Meanwhile Marisa began to hum a jaunty tune, “Love's not a game, love's not a game.

None of us would ever say love's a game.

That would be bad, you can be sure-a.”

“But I'm in the mood to wear this cool fedora,” Marzel rhymed before Daria snatched it off his head.

Marisa and Marzel jumped into the water to transform to their normal form, “Love's not a game, love's not a game. We would never play with love like it's a game.”

Ocho swam up next to Cuco, unofficial racing him to the next rock, “But if we did...”

Cuco winked, “And that would be wrong.”  

They crowed together as they whipped around the kelp beds, “We'd put 30 doubloons down that Gabe has the biggest schlong.”

Marisa raised her eyebrows at that image but shrugged, “Oh, interesting, I'll double that!”

Daria put her nose in the air, “I'll triple that!”

Marisa took up the next chorus as they swam through the shipwreck graveyard, “Love is not sirenas swimming down courses. They're our dear friends, they are not seahorses.”

Cuoco galloped ahead of her, “Their love is pure, groom meets bride,”

“So we'd never soil it with a death pool on the side,” Ocho added nudging Marzel who flinched at Marisa’s “that-is-so-wrong” glare.

Daria handed Ocho a sand dollar, “Alonso, age 52, parasailing accident.”

Ocho gasped, “That's so smart. Same.”

Marisa shook her head at that sick bet even though she kind could see it happen. Marzel started the next line of their song, “Love's an endgame, but it's not a game.”

“Our mouths keep saying that, but our hands need change,” Marisa admitted when she placed an IOU for 60 sand dollars and a pound of doubloons with Cuco that if Mateo and Elena got married in the future, Mateo would be the one to propose.  

“Put 30 on red, poetically...For red's the color of a heart that beats free.”

“Red is also Mateo. It's going to be Mateo.” Daria yelled as she zoomed off ahead at the sight of the coral alarms so she could recheck them.

The closer they approached the castle, the more jittery Marisa got. It was like being near the presence of her parents reminded her how wrong this was. She looked to her side and saw that Marzel had a similar anxious expression. She swam up next to him, suddenly wishing to stop the group so she could return her bet money.

“We definitely shouldn't do this,

We definitely shouldn't do this.

This is bad, this is bad,

We're going to hell, this is bad.”

Yet the moment they arrived at the palace Marisa and Marzel’s worries dissipated. They were immediately whisked off to their respective duties and temporarily forgot about their betting and their money until dinner time came.

“Marisa, do you want to see if Princess Elena’s letter arrived yet?” Queen Camila said nonchalantly, but the way her tail twitched underneath their dinner table signaled that she was a lot more excited than she let on about hearing the conclusion to the long saga.

Marisa hesitated for a second when she heard her father come swimming up eagerly, “Is the letter here? Did Elena end up with Gabe?” 

“No, honey. There’s no letter about Elena not ending up with Gabe.” Queen Camila corrected with a soft hand on his.

The moment that clinched it was when Marisa spotted her mom mouth, “It’s going to be Mateo,” and her dad shook his head patronizingly.

“Marzel, Daria, Ocho, Cuco, we’re going to see if there is a letter!” Marisa whooped, not even looking behind her to see if the others were following.

When Marzel was able to catch up to her Marisa sheepishly turned to him to say, “Uh um can I get in on the Alonso parasailing bet. I think it’s very likely to happen.”

“Oh that’s off. We all agreed that Alonso is likely to die parasailing.” Marzel waved it off dismissively.

Marisa giggled a little at the thought that was the one bet they could all agree on. Then she got back on task to swimming as fast as she could.

They were going to find their answer in a matter of moments. Hopefully today!

Once they reached the shores, Marisa and Marzel jumped up, crashing into each other once they were on the sandy ground. Heads bumping, but too animated to feel the pain they raced to the town’s post office as Ocho yelled behind them, “Don’t open it without us!”

Marisa was the one who arrived at the office first after Marzel tripped over an old lady’s cane and she nearly knocked over the elderly postman herself.

“Steady there, señorita.” The postman warned, chuckling grittily, “I have what you wish.” 

“YES!” Marisa prompting Marzel to run faster in her direction.

“Thankyouthankyousomuch!” Marisa babbled hugging the man before ripping the document from his hands.

As she turned the corner, she crashed into Marzel turning the world upside down with dancing starfish around her head.

“IS THIS IT?” Marzel crowed in amazement, taking the document reverently from her, earning the disapproving glare of a man with a baby at his loudness.

“YES IT IS!” Marisa screeched, grabbing it back from him. The creamy white document had a red seal of a jaquin’s head. It may have been her imagination but it just seemed to glow and sparkly like the gold doubloons and sand dollars she was bound to collect after they read it.

“SHHHHH!” The man shushed them.

The siblings scrambled to their feet and ran to the shore leaping and singing excitedly.

“Love's not a game, love's not a game.

That being said, let's make it rain!

While Cupid descends from above...”

“They have it! They have it! I’m going to be rich!” Ocho shook Cucoa’s shoulders with exhilaration and even stone-faced Daria was smiling in anticipation.

“Can you even spend it?” Cuco innocently asked the octopus earning a smack on the cheek from the irate sea creature.

Marisa and Marzel knelt down to the knees and sang their song as they slowly opened the letter. “The group mind has decided to bet on love!”

The song began to grow in volume as the three others joined in repeating the refrain, “Love's not a game, love's not a game,

Love's not a game!”

Marisa cracked open the seal and Marzel slipped out the letter, “Alonso should be wary of parasails!”

They all scanned the letter, reading as fast as their eyes could possibly go. Marisa was skimming so quickly that she reached the “Love, Elena” part without even understanding what she had read and nervously went back to the beginning to read again.

Nothing was jumping out at her. No Mateo or Gabe or love.

Was it possible that Elena ended up with no one?

The nagging guilty feeling that Marisa had forgotten came back again to form a pit in her stomach. They all had gotten so caught up in her love life, they had forgotten the true sight of it all. A love potion did not mean Elena was going to make it a big focus of her life from now on. She had other things to do, a kingdom to run and they were busy making bets on a part of her life that was only hers alone to care about.

It wasn’t even like they cared about Elena’s love life for the sake of her happiness, they just wanted to get money out of the bets.

No, this disappointment served them right.

“What?” Ocho screeched indignantly, “This is useless. It has nothing!”

“She-she didn’t end up with anyone?” Marzel moaned disappointedly.

Marisa looked frantically at the parchment even at the little side bars to see if there was any doodles or invisible words, but nothing!

“Wait!” Daria grabbed the paper ad flipped it to the back.

“And Mateo?”

Marisa snatched it back, “Love Elena” she flipped it to the back, “And Mateo! With a heart next to. I think they’re together.”

All those regretful feelings about how wrong Marisa felt it was to bet on Elena’s love life disappeared with a snap. She’d won! She was getting so much money! She had bragging rights over her brother! Yes!!

“Oh goodness, they’re together. That means I’m right! HA, I’M RIGHT!”

“Noooo!” Marzel and Cuco yelled out when Marisa began her celebratory dance, high fiving Daria and all of Ocho’s tentacles.

“Pay up!” Ocho sing-songed, gesturing to Cuco.

“Fine” Marzel grumbled handing each of them two sand dollars, “I’ll give the rest to you later. So you can give it back to me when they break up.”

“There not breaking up.” Marisa laughed, “Also I hate to say it, but I told you so. “No you’re not.” Marzel rolled his eyes, huffing with outrage at being proven wrong.

“Nope cause I’m rich!” Marisa cheered and then booped Marzel on the nose, “Aww don’t get all pouty just because I’m better at matters of the heart than you.”

With that final smug comment on her victory, Marisa leapt into the water to go tell her mother the fabulous news.

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. archer in training, baseball playing, lady that still has to finish writing her dark fiction lefty eyebag. 😅

I think I'm slowly getting better. I've been having runny nose, coughing, aches in my body, the migraines. I've been taking medicine though, but still feel like crap.

How are you today? Any exciting plans?

Also, from the last last post.. I work at home, answering phone calls. Right now, since the department is new, it's really boring and not getting a lot of customers in. It should pick up soon, hopefully.

Not sure if ube and taro is the same hahaha I just know ube is the purple one.

The Corrs... I haven't heard of them in a long time. I like Lady Antebellum too. What's your favorite song by them?

Do you make new years resolutions?

-CuriousGeorge

Hello hello sickly right eyebag.. thats all i can say compared what u called me.hahaha.

Thats a good news that u r getting better.. n oh no! That doesnt sound good at all..have u got covid test yet?

Im okay.. i woke up with baaaaaad baaad alergy that cough like crazy n even my asthma attacked me n my throat was closing up so i had to hurry up n grab my allergy medicine in the cabinet. It has been a while my asthmatic allergy attaked me. It was because the wind was sooo hard last night, blew in the ashes in thr fireplace n i gues also blew the christmas tree pollen every where in the house.. so we deep clean the house to clean the ashes n pollen.

I dont have any plan for today..just enjoying the day n writing if i can. Was gonna put up the tarp for my archery, so it can catch up the arrows if i miss it but we found that we need extra plank or pole to hang it better so we'll wait until we get one. My target stand wont be here until next week anyway. 😁

Ah okay.. well at least u work from home.. do u like it better to work from home?or u like to work in office better?

How was ur day? N what did u do today?

Ah i see.. i think taro is purple too... im gonna google it.haha.

Yeah The Corrs is pretty old band. Well, remembering our age range is getting up there 😅🤣

I dont know much about Lady Antebellum songs but everytime i enjoy a country song i heard, it turns out to be their song.hahaha.

But there r two of their songs that i really like. "Need You Now" and "Just A Kiss" . I try to not listen to those song anymore because it reminds me of my ex gf. 😅 it was kinda two of our songs together especialy Just A Kiss

No i havent really thought of some resolutions. I know i would reorganize my tumblr,get all my requests done, n maybe write for Florence Pugh n Yelena.. (maybe) 😁

What about u?

Cheerio?

[shoottomiss]

Why Pacifica has more character than Wendy (And why that’s one of GF’s biggest issues)

I’ve technically already talked about this. Made a small little post about it way back when that pretty much covered it in one paragraph. But sometimes you feel like expanding on things like that, you know? Besides, It doesn’t really hurt to think about it a little more deeply.

Oh, and if you haven’t seen gravity falls? There will be spoilers here. So, enter if you dare.

It’s no secret to those who know me that Gravity Falls is my favorite show of all time. It’s impact was what “saved” me from the “all new cartoons are bad” mindset, a thought process that plagued many during the cartoon channel dark age at the turn of the decade.

I’d say the only thing I’d actually hate about it is that terrible 3DS game, and even then I don’t dwell on that. However, it does serve as a reminder that like all shows, Gravity Falls doesn’t have a perfect track record. A show can minimize its mistakes, but at the end of the day, it will still end up making them from time to time. Gravity Falls in particular had a few problems of its own, from Dipper’s crush that just kept coming back, to Mabel’s difficult to digest at times childish antics.

But while both of these aspects can be justified, Gravity Falls’ biggest mistake is one that was never addressed or fixed. Which can be a big problem when it’s one of the main characters on your show.

It’s hard not to like the colorful band of characters Gravity Falls brings to the table. Whether it’s Dipper and his nerdy awkwardness, Mabel and her crazy antics, Soos the eccentric handyman, or Con-artist Grunkle Stan, it’s very likely you’ll come to enjoy at least one of them. 

But one other character sticks out like a sore thumb, one that manages to share a bit of the spotlight with the other four, even though it feels like she doesn’t really deserve it.

Enter Wendy, the teenage cashier of the mystery shack. Wendy is the “Fonzie” of Gravity Falls, constantly doing awesome actions and saying cool stuff because she’s, well, cool and awesome. She often has sage teenage advice for Mabel or Dipper, handles dangerous situations like a pro, and is the main love interest for Dipper. On the surface, these traits make it seem like Wendy might be an interesting character. The reality however, is the exact opposite.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, Wendy is perhaps the most boring character on the show. Wendy may be cool and collected, but since it ain’t broke, there’s nothing to fix. There’s no emotional conflicts with her, no stories that center around her, and no flaws in her character to make her more interesting. She has little to offer towards anything in the story other than pushing it towards its next destination. Now sure, all characters are technically pushing the story forward at all times. But creators usually make it feel more natural, by having the characters be just the slightest bit complex, thereby making them seem less of an obvious tool.

Had she been a minor character, this wouldn’t have been as much of an issue. But Wendy is a major character, one that appears in the theme song and has been on adventures with the twins more than a few times. Yet constantly the most complex intricacies she displays are that of a wooden board (in fact, the board might have more to offer). She never changes, from the very beginning of the series to the very end. So why even put her up front at all? If she was going to act as more of a minor character, why have her anywhere near the spotlight the main characters have? There’s almost nothing to work with.

It doesn’t help that her only character traits can end up hurting her too. Especially the damn crush. The fact that the biggest things Wendy is involved in also involve Dipper’s crush on her 95% of the time can be extremely frustrating to deal with, way more than it is for Dipper’s character. These cases once make her feel like nothing more than a tool that moves others forward instead of herself.

Though it seems like that wasn’t always meant to be the case. There are inklings here and there, in certain episodes, where it seems like some sort of actual character is trying to explode out of Wendy, like some sort of literary chest-burster. Wendy’s emotions during Boyz Crazy, her feelings of being manipulated by Robbie and being hurt by Dipper’s naive disregard for how she felt, is a episodic-conflict that writes itself. But by the time we reach her in the next episode, it’s brushed off as nothing more than a passing feeling, that needed no follow up. Another two great possibilities to look into Wendy’s character happen within the same episode, Society of the Blind Eye.

Firstly, Wendy talks about to Mabel about her love troubles, where she decides to tell Mabel to forget about guys. Though it is her usual “teenage wisdom”, it presents us with a possible consequence of the numerous ex-boyfriends Wendy has had (as she lists off in Hand that Rocks the Mabel). Has she become disillusioned by dating, or love? Is she far more similar to Mabel than we realized, dreaming of having someone to hold and also reaching a dead end? Hell, is she discovering something about her sexuality? 

The second opportunity is perhaps the biggest one, the one everyone remembers. Fearing their minds will be erased, Wendy admits that she’s actually extremely stressed all the time, and that it’s mainly a result of her family. Could it be because she’s the only woman in the house, especially with her mother gone? In fact, what happened to her mother? Could it be the way her father raised her, seeing as how he substituted Christmas with apocalypse survival training? Maybe it’s that she has to look after her brothers while her father is doing god knows what? It would certainly be nice to confirm why she’s always so calm and collected.

All of these possibilities would have worked, and would have helped Wendy’s character immensely. But instead, they too are abandoned, and Wendy is doomed to be as complex as a piece of string until the series ends.

I would also like to mention the rumor I’ve heard on the grapevine- that Wendy was indeed supposed to have an episode based around her, but it was dropped (if I recall correctly, it was because they decided to finish a different episode instead). Though I can’t confirm it, I will say that the “stressed all the time” point is definitely evidence for it.

Things get even worse when actual minor characters end up looking more interesting than Wendy, to the point where characters like Grenda and Robbie, fucking Robbie, are characters who have managed to receive better development within the bits and pieces of a single episode. But none stole Wendy’s potential quite more than Pacifica Northwest.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Pacifica and what Alex gave her. In fact I admit I support the relationship between the llama and a certain pine tree. But if we are to once again be honest with ourselves, as a two-dimensional mean girl bully character meant only to be an obstacle for Mabel’s goals, Pacifica had far more development than she ever deserved to have.

It’s strange to think that people would latch onto Pacifica, despite her having so little to work with. Perhaps it was the slight lampshade hanging over her, or that her version of the character archetype was so amusing, but people loved her. How much, you ask? Enough to catch Alex by surprise and convince him to make an episode centered around her. It was a strange occurrence, to say the least.

Season 2 began, and by the third episode, we already began getting a taste of Pacifica’s new development, seeing the pressure put on her by her father. But it wasn’t until Northwest Mansion Mystery where Pacifica was fully expanded upon, showing us new twists in her character. She could be rather nice when not obsessed with “looking rich”, she began showing remorse for her foul behavior, and the one thing that stuck with everyone the most- that her parents were very likely abusive. Pacifica’s popularity in the fandom skyrocketed, and she’s been a favorite ever since. People even went so far as to get angry when her character seemingly regressed in the finale, and for some, it’s the only thing in said finale they consider bad.

But Pacifica’s increasing popularity also increased the problem on Wendy’s side. While people were waiting for Pacifica to show up in episodes after, Wendy’s appearances would be received with a more “come and go” attitude. How Wendy would impact the story from here wasn’t anyone’s biggest concern, and any action or appearance she made would be acknowledged, then brushed aside. Meanwhile there were theories a plenty about how Pacifica would become involved later on. It isn’t hard to see why.

It created what I’d like to call the “character paradox”, where Pacifica seemed far more viable as a major character despite being a minor character, while Wendy looked more fit to be a minor character instead of a major one.

However, this also created another problem on Pacifica’s side. A problem similar, but different to Wendy’s. When the series ended, and Pacifica’s only other appearances were cameos and and small bits in the finale, fans became upset that Pacifica didn’t have more time given to her. Things that they wanted Alex to expand upon, like how Pacifica would deal with the bell, her relationship with one or both of the Pines twins, and so on. Alex gave them a bone, not realizing they would be swarming for more. Now admittedly, it is partially the fans’ fault for assuming we would get more out of such a small time character, but that other part has to go somewhere. And unfortunately, Alex and his crew are that somewhere, starving one girl character so much that the fans scrambled for the next best thing. 

And why wouldn’t they? There were paths you could explore with Wendy or Pacifica that you just couldn’t do with Mabel. Yes, obvious things like possible romance, but also other aspects, like their families (which would be much different from Mabel, since many of her family problem’s are also Dipper’s), or hell, their possible interactions other characters, or with each other.

But we were cut off on both ends. After everything was said and done, and the series was over, neither character felt complete. We were left with two underdeveloped characters instead of one or two fully developed characters. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the show is bad now, far from it. It’s a big problem, yes, but not enough to make Gravity Falls anything short of amazing. But when it came to this aspect of the show, it certainly does feel like Alex’s priorities were a bit skewed. I think fans would have preferred an episode about either of these two rather than an episode where Dipper learns to not be a womanizing jerk (don’t think we need an entire episode for that).

And hell, it’s not as bad as how much Rebecca keeps Connie from doing after four fucking seasons.

[toddbeeson]

Guides/Ghosts/Spirits/Angels

I am going to remind you why I started these blogs to begin with...to point out that as a child I would point to lights and say “See.”  “See” was my first word.  This is directly such a story.

As a child my mother came to my room each night to pray with me and my brother, Brett.  Brett and I shared the same bedroom. We slept in twin beds. While my Pops was a traveling salesman and quite often away all week, my mom would prepare us for bedtime, turn out the lights, kneel down in the space between our beds and we would say the Lord’s Prayer.  If there was a special prayer request, she would include that as well.

Looking back at it now, it is a beautiful memory.  My heart is warmed at having shared time with my mother and brother in such an intimate, loving way.  Mom helped usher in the direct connection to God/Life/Spirit.

Also at that time, I would see shadowy figures standing around my bed. 

Yes, you read that correctly. 

They were different colors...and most easy to see when the lights were off. They almost looked like cartoon characters except for the fact that they appeared life size.  I couldn’t make out any facial characteristics.  They were just more of a shadow/shade thing that you could see through.  There actually was a real comfort in having them around during that time.  I never felt scared.  I do not remember how old I was when I stopped seeing them…maybe i was 5 or 6?...or probably shortly after I remember telling my mom that I saw such things as she was sure I wasn’t seeing anything.  She tells me now that she doesn’t remember this stuff at all.  i do-- I can close my eyes to this day and still remember what that bedroom and the shadowy figures looked like.

October 2002

After a traumatic weekend in Austin, TX that involved the closing of a relationship, the memory of the shadowy figures re-entered my mind.  I told a couple trusted friends about it.  They believed me and had heard similar stories, in fact.  My friend, Gigi, went on about how her child/son recalls details from his previous life...saying things and words that a child couldn’t possibly know.

I thought I was alone in sharing the expression that I had seen spirits.  I thought only “crazy” people see them!  But, I shared my memory anyway.  I had a feeling I needed to step into this truth and share it. (Btw- also in 2002 when I was staying at my ex-gf’s grandmother’s home in Galveston, I took pictures around her Historically protected home and although I didn’t realize it at the time that I was snapping pix, I did indeed capture a picture of a ghost-- you make out the details of an older woman! I have to find that picture!!)

After returning to LA a couple days later, I was asked to watch a 4th grade class for a half-hour while the homeroom teacher tended to another need.  She asked me to read a story, but could not find the book that she had wanted me to read.  So instead she had me read a story called,  “The Uninvited Guests.”  I was amazed as I read aloud to the class to find out that this “fictional” story was about a family that had moved to a house where ghosts lived.  The parents could not see the ghosts- only the children could see them!!!!!!

I told my truth and I felt validated.  My spirit was heard!   The timing of reading that story was perfect!!

Present Time

In keeping my interest of such stories and the wonderment of what happens to our spirit after we pass, I have read some books-- Brian Weiss’s “Many Lives Many Masters” -- which by the way I had actually attended his workshop in Austin, Texas that same weekend I was experiencing my break up and shared my shadow story with friends, Gigi and Josh...and most recently this past year my Pops gifted me books “Reality Unveiled” by Ziad Masri and “Journey of Souls-Case Studies of Life Between Lives” by Michael Newton. 

A week ago Saturday night, I felt exhausted and just wanted to sit back and watch some fun and silly movie before I faded to sleep...and had planned to watch Wayne’s World 2 as the movie just happened to illuminate itself from others -  I couldn’t even recall anything about the movie, so it would probably feel like the firs time watching it.  But before I watched it, I had a little ding hit me-- I felt inspired to read from Michael Newton’s book...so I picked it up off my nightstand and went thru the table of contents...leading me to wish to read the chapter on “Guides.”  

After I read a little bit and felt the gift of inspiration, I was now finally comfortable enough to allow myself to sit back and enjoy being entertained= I finally then felt it was now time to start watching Wayne’s World 2...and to my amazement and wonder, the movie pretty much started out with Wayne having a dream that he has a Native American Guide who connected him to Jim Morrison and on a mission...leading him to go on a faith-filled lark-- ultimately connecting to someone who had been guided by the same Native American Guide. Whoah!

It definitely now seems on this quiet Saturday night of relaxation and rest that I had again been led by a Guide to experience such a connection.  

I also had a flood of memories of those magical times I had been led in the past-- in previously posted stories.  To name a few:  I recalled having a dream in 2006 after a 13 year old girl I used to teach had died due to drowning while having an epileptic seizure while bathing alone-- in my dream she visited me in my bed to say she was fine.  I recalled my time being led to the Eden Prairie mall to run into a girl I used to date.  I recalled being connected with my ex-gf Lynn when she had lost her phone, but somehow happened to walk into the same place at the same time in a way that could never happen on a daily basis. Around 2007 I recall teaching my student, Charlie, the James Bond theme on guitar and being in such a flow I said now expect that your’e going to have a connection with James Bond-- and wallah-- I went downstairs to talk to Charlie’s mom...and she had a friend over who told a ghost story (out of the blue)-- one of which he mentioned he had visited an Irish castle that has a ghost-and he even added that he was there with the guy who played Q in James Bond movies(again w/ no knowledge of my having taught that song during my lesson)-- and many more stories= All feel Divinely guided.  

Last Monday (a couple days later) I woke up to the horrific news that a couple of old high school classmates (technically one was my year and the other was a year younger) had passed away unexpectedly.  Shocking and So so so sad.

It led me to picking up my Reality Unveiled and Journey of Souls books of my night stand at the same time...but I had to pick just one to read, obviously...and I settled on Reality Unveiled-- and just opening a random page.  I had a bit of trepidation to read that one at that moment, actually...as I heard my mind argue to just keep with the Journey of Souls per its magic last time.

But...as it turned out, I was correct...as the random page I opened to actually wrote specifically from the Journey of Souls book!  

It mentioned how when people die their spirits linger for a time on earth before going to a heaven place (no matter what their religion or beliefs, btw)..and that spirits are different shades of colors depending upon their vibrational frequency/energy.  Wow.  Dr. James Newton has scientific proof of such stuff having taped interviews with thousands of patients describing their in-between-time before re-incarnation.  

In a world where it seems that information/media/religion are being used for exploitation and selfish gain via misinformation, we can rarely trust what we see in front of us-- its even more clear that we need to carve quiet time-- to go inside/connect with our spirit and our guides...trust our heart and our truth...and know that without a doubt I have been shown so many ways that we are not alone in this life.  Ever.  We are always in the company of guides...and they help us in ways we might not even know.  

Its time to trust and remember this magic...more than ever.  

Thank you for reading this...I hope this helps you find peace, comfort, inspiration and trust in this world.

i wish you peace and magic.

Love, Todd  

Warmth by The Lift. 

[szopenhauer]

What is the reason you last got a new cell phone? because I needed phone with internet connection 

Are you more masculine or feminine? dunno, smth in between?

Which name have you kissed the most people with? I only kissed one person in my entire life

Do you enjoy All You Can Eat buffets? yes

Have you ever seen the band/artist you’re listening to live? I didn’t attend any Momomoyouth concerts

Last thing you printed off a computer? short story that I’ve written

Last thing you threw in the garbage? not sure what was last

Last black person you hugged? I saw few black people but never even had a chance to talk to them

Is life hard? for me it is, I know some people have it worse but still

Who does the song you’re listening to remind you of? nothing, I just enjoy it

Have you ever had anything pierced that isn’t anymore? never had anything pierced ever

Would you consider yourself “tough”? it’s complicated 

Headphones or earbuds? headphones

Do you support freedom of speech? I think some stuff should be censored like bullying

Are you ever told you are too opinionated? maybe 

Do you hold grudges for long? sometimes

What’s in your garden/backyard? you mean plants or other stuff like furniture or decor?

Do you own a purple pillow? nope

Do you have a brown blanket? nah

Do you think diamonds, stars or hearts are prettier? stars

Have you ever overflown a bath? noooo

Do you appreciate brutal honesty? not brutal but I appreciate honesty in general most of the time

When was the last time you ate meat? yesterday

Have your parents met your gf/exes? they met my current gf and my ex S.

How about your gf’s parents? Met them? I met my current gf’s parents 

Do you feel uncomfortable easily? kinda

Do you know how to say I love you in at least 4 languages? yup

What age will you be when you times your current age by two? 56

Do you find the sound of a cats purr relaxing? hmm...

Are you in a simple or complex mood? complex

Do you know your Mum’s first pets name? I need to ask my mom’s guinea pigs’ name :o

*she doesn’t remember

Do you like car racing? playing car racing games, don’t like to brag but I’m very good at it actually 

What is your closest uncle/aunt called? to me it’s my aunt Alicja (Alice)

Do you wear underwear to bed? when I have my period to have extra protection

Do you get angry, depressed or nervous more? all at once

What is something obvious about you that everyone notices? that I’m short 

Would you ever get a heart tattoo or your back? what for?

Do you like Sapphires? I don’t

What about you do you think your friends dislike? ask them

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) I don’t want any and would allow but no sex! at least use protection or birth control

What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? amount of illnesses for example

How often do you wash your car? I don’t have a car

Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? fb messanger

Do you find it easy to put yourself in somebody else’s shoes? I believe

Have you ever kissed a smoker? I have not

If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? my parents wouldn’t have to ask :)

What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? crazy is that one of the coworkers actually disappeared - he left his stuff and didn’t took the money for the job - he was never found 

Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn’t finish it? many times

Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? hope so

A word that describes you, starting with the last letter of your last name?: asexual

What is the age difference between the last two people you kissed romantically?: -

How many hours have you worked this month?: zero

How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s): he was fattest among his siblings as a puppy and used to eat a lot later too, he even ate roof of his house lmfao

Last time you washed your hair?: Monday’s night

What is your weight?: about 40 kg, I didn’t check recently

Last article of clothing you purchased?: dad bought a hoode NOT INTERESTED for me in second hand because I cold so cold yesterday but I worry I still got a flu :(

Last electronic you purchased?: powerbank from what I remember

What is your blood type?: no idea

Who did you last walk a dog with?: my dad, we always go together for walks because it’s quite dangerous to wander alone around the forest

Ride bikes with?: same

For what reason did you last high five someone?: I virtually high fives my gf because we agreed on smth

Are you emotional? I’m more analytical/logical/overthinker but I still am very emotional Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? ... Have you ever noticed the hidden adult jokes inside of kid shows/movies? in Shrek, the one about penis

Do you sin often? only God knows What do you think happens after you die? we have a funeral :P Are you afraid to die? I’m afraid of looking stupid and people laughing, being a burden, others trying to save me (or me trying to save myself of course) and failing, someone stealing my stuff while I’m unconscious, suffering for a long time, waking up in a casket, going to hell etc. If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? YES Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough? I’m not enough and yet too much if you know what I mean Are you jealous of your siblings? I am, she’s lucky, normal

Are you always wanting more? I want more than I have but not as much as people usually want - I want health and enough money to not just barely survive but I don’t dream about career, kids, big house, fame, talents, travelling, beauty, long life etc. Do you make good first impressions? pfft Do you consider yourself guarded?  it seems Do you like animals? majority but still wouldn’t want to own them 

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? absolutely, too many meds are causing more problems than help and the fact lots of them are sold without prescription makes me angry and sad Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you’re losing all control? I don’t drink because I don’t like the taste/smell and the consequences - losing control is one of them but also hangover and puking for examples Do you think the internet is dangerous? almost everything can be

Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? women are pressured more to be attractive Do you care what impression you make on people? not much Honestly, do you say racist things? nah Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? not really Do you think people overreact when their pets die? not usually

Has anyone ever told you they needed space? that’s what I say!

Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocalypse? smth similar 

Do you get offended really easily? I’m pretty sensitive

Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? not wall, furniture

Ever been turned down in a really mean way? in my opinion that was hurtful

Are you ticklish? I am and hate that about me

Do you currently have a pair of UGG boots? I use them as slippers during winter :3

When was the last time you had a stomach ache? morning

Have you ever been to a circus? at least once <3

Does drama seem to follow you everywhere you go? I live in a drama movie Do you ever regret giving your number to people? regretted Have you ever been told that you’re afraid of your own shadow? fuck you! Have you ever tried Gouda cheese? obvi Do you still watch South Park? I never did You’re babysitting, what do you expect per hour for pay? been doing it for free :( What’s the last thing you returned at a store? tried to return computer and even tho it was on guarantee they didn’t fix it, it didn’t work from the start and it’s only getting worse >.< Do you still look at clouds and make shapes of them? it’s so much fun! :D If you had to dye your hair for one year, what color would you pick? green What’s your television addiction? non existent Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? 4 hours of root canal without anesthesia Do you make your own jewelry or clothing? tried but I’m bad at it Do you use drawing to describe what you’re feeling? preffered collages  Do you give everything you do 100%? I half ass majority of the things I do

If you could transform into any kind of animal, what animal would you be? raccoon? XD  actually a bird I guess One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? somewhere I could fall down like from the roof or into a deep hole and where are sharp objects etc. Are you claustrophobic? just my head is, I’m scared to be stuck in smth with my head, I know it’s strange If you could be reincarnated, would you come back as another human or an animal? If an animal, what kind? I just want a good life... but never come back would be a better option - no more death  Easiest way to scare you? jump scares What was your last nightmare about? personal

Do you own any knee-high boots? no longer Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth? disgusting!

How many squares of toilet paper do you use at a time? 2-3 Have you ever had acupuncture done to you? heard you can get ill outta that Do you play hopscotch? played a bit as a child Are you jealous of beautiful people? rarely  Are you foolish and naive? I try my best not to be yet end up being fooled at times anyway Do you play with the food on your plate? my mom does and that annoys me When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? luckily not Have you ever taken a mud bath? no thx Do you have nude photos of yourself posted on the internet? I didn’t even really took any to begin with Are you considered “normal”?

Do you want to skydive? nah Have you ever been told that you talk too much? and not enough, you can’t please anyone

What’s the latest youtube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched?   https://www.youtube.com/c/naomijon/videos

Do you think your hair looks better long or short? it’s ugly 

Do you look best with or without bangs?   I prefer no bangs

Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? I like filters sometimes but not editing

Which season do you wish would last longer?   summer

Haw many outdoor birthday parties have you had?   none, sadly, my birthday is during winter so I can’t 

How much taller or shorter are you than your mom?   like 10 cm taller even tho I’m so tiny

Do you have neat handwriting? r u kidding?...

Would you rather hike a mountain or dive into the sea?   hike

Which Barbie doll was your favorite? that one I slept with and broke her neck but I loved my Ken as much (and broke his legs but my dad fixed him) - that’s unusual as those are the only toys I actually ever broke (not counting my fav stuffed animal that lost it’s head but my mom sewed it back) and not because I didn’t care for them like some kids but because I loved them 

Do you prefer cheetah or zebra print, polka dots, paisleys, plaid, stripes or stars? animal prints are ok at times, paisley and some kinds of plaid too but I love stripes and stars and hate polka dots 

Do you like your natural hair color? whatever

Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid?   later in life I wanted to become an actress 

Have you ever been to a gynecologist? several times and I regret that

Do you use the Bitmoji app on your phone? used to

Do you get on facebook every day? yep

Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member?   not that I want to have kids but yes

List three names that sound similar to your name.   apparently Zosia is similar to Zuzia but also Anna as it’s part of Zuzanna

What were you almost named?   Lilia (Lily)

What does your name mean? same hahaha

Do you have any symptoms of COVID-19 right now? luckily not

Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus?   my mom is making those

Do you ever wish you had someone to hug?   I have someone to hug