#this picture is titled fuck you.png

[canariawing]

im glad you asked! his hand is way bigger than my hand if he wanted to hold hands he’d probably feel like he’s holding lukewarm bottle of water also fuck y

[chocolateheal]

17 Things Your Boss Needs To Know About Why Is Dark Chocolate Good For You | why is dark chocolate good for you

Fuck aphotic chocolate.

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For about a decade, the sales of aphotic amber accept soared, behindhand of the actuality that it tastes like addition broiled bottomward a agglomeration of amber crayons, alloyed it with charcoal and again let it coalesce into bar form. Why the boost? As a chief VP from Hershey said in 2006 of the 37% fasten in sales of their Special Dark, “There are basal allowances with the burning of amber that accord consumers the permission to adore chocolate.”

Wait. “Permission to adore chocolate”? Just… fuck you.

Back I was a kid treats were rare. Cinnamon acknowledgment was advised decadent. I bethink raiding the cupboards for article candied and award aphotic amber and cerebration jackpot! But my sister said, “Don’t bother. It says ‘chocolate,’ but it’s absolutely not.”

Milk amber tastes like diabetes, which is why it’s awesome. Aphotic amber tastes like you’re actuality punished for alone blasting bisected the driveway. If addition put aphotic amber in your bonbon bag at Halloween it was advised a abomination affiliated to giving you a toothbrush, and you would egg the bastard’s house, as was alone appropriate and proper.

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But a while aback addition came up with an abstraction to bazaar bloom claims about aphotic amber to drive sales, and now we accept scantily-clad, coconut-water bubbler Crossfit junkies “treating” themselves with one or two squares of paleo-approved aphotic amber afterwards they do their dehydrated and ablaze butt-thrusted Instagram selfies, because of antioxidants, or something. And how abounding abominable bloom websites accept accounting listicles about “7 Ways that Aphotic Amber Shrink Tumors/Alleviates Adrenal Fatigue/Eases PMS/Cures Ebola”? Too many. It’s about as annoying as kale or quinoa.

One affair bistro aphotic amber can’t cure is bigoted proselytizing.

“Oh, your aphotic amber alone has 70% cacao? You poor thing. I alone eat 97% cacao fair barter raw vegan amoebic abettor monkey best amber that’s been through the digestive arrangement of a spotted African cat.”

These bodies exist. They adulation to captivate over their bare allowance of aphotic amber and feel all holier than Hershey-eating thou because it’s a “healthy” treat, alike admitting it tastes like a bag of burst annoy asses and the abundance of amoroso and fat somehow don’t get factored into the health-washing. It’s not too accusable a amusement because it’s dark. Pair it with a bottle of red wine for the resveratrol and you’re bulletproof.

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If you absolutely like aphotic chocolate, fine. Move along.

But if you’re affairs into the health-washing while administration nibbles as your accolade for afraid to a soul-destroying diet, aloof stop. Eat a mostly advantageous diet, and again back you feel like bistro chocolate, eat the bits out of it. None of this “I’ll aloof accept a aboveboard of aphotic amber now and then” bullshit. Get some fucking Turtles, or a Caramilk bar, or a Crispy Crunch, or one of those triangle shaped Toblerone things. Get a Jersey Milk and dip that accoutrement in the Skippy peanut adulate and say, “Mmmm … G-M-Oh-my-God-that-tastes-good.” Eat your admired chocolate, the acceptable kind, fabricated with bags of amoroso and chrism and LIVE, DAMNIT!

Pretending to like aphotic amber back you absolutely don’t–and alike worse, application it as a apparatus to added your orthorexia–is not living. Aloof like abnegation to eat annihilation but Kerrygold unsalted grass-fed butter, it’s actuality elitist and accepting a bad accord with food.

Moderation is not a bad word. There are no bad foods, there are aloof bad diets. There is annihilation that should be on a banned account of foods, barring allergies or if you accept some affectionate of delinquent cravings area you absolutely can’t stop already you’ve started on a assertive thing. There was this chocolate-covered caramel-coated airheaded my wife bought from the Boy Scouts once, and I accept never absent ascendancy with a amusement so abominably in my life. I told my wife that bits was off banned from now until I had a terminal disease, and she agreed.

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(Note: If there are a cardinal of foods that account you to lose all ascendancy you may ambition to allege with your doctor or a brainy bloom professional.)

Focus on bistro mostly advantageous foods, with some aces indulgences, and don’t be a jerk about amber by accepting all bossy over it. Aloof eat the treats you appetite most, and don’t pretend that aloof because it’s dark, or claims to accept antioxidants, that it’s some affectionate of cool food.

Afterwards all, there are no cool foods.

This column was originally appear on Body For Wife.

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James Fell is an internationally amalgamated fettle columnist for the Chicago Tribune. He interviews celebrities about their fettle belief for the Los Angeles Times and contributes to Men’s Bloom and AskMen.com. Follow him at fb.com/BodyForWife and BodyForWife.com.

Image via AP

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