#this made me realize i haven't changed my wallpaper in about 4 years

[luciferousnacht]

@awesomefrogofawesome tagged me! 🦄 My lock screen, my home screen, the last song I listened to, and the last photo I took!

I'll poke @thedarklordsnicklefritz and @spagettitie if you want to play too. :)

[depressed-sugarplum]

he cheated on me

it's too sad to write about this since my last entry about him was all wonderful and sweet. i'm too sad to even think about it.

but what u read is true. he cheated on me. ugh, thinking about my last entry makes me want to cry again. but this time will be hella different, this time i'm crying because i'm sad and hurt and in pain.

i just wanted to know how he managed to look at me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me when he did something horrible and way beyond my wildest imaginations. never have i ever wondered that time will come that he'll do that to me. it never occured to me that he can do something that will change our entire relationship. i never thought of having to deal with something like this because he never striked to me as a person who'll do something reckless, what more of a cheater?

January 4, 2019. it was around 6pm while i was browsing through his phone gallery while i went across a folder called 'rarely used library'. i found a folder for viber images, tangina idk i don't want to curse pero dun palang kinutuban na 'ko, maybe because i've been there. i know viber's only a place for online sellers and HE'S NOT A FUCKING ONLINE SELLER so why the fuck is he on viber??? what i found a minute later changed my thoughts of him, it changed our relationship, it scarred me for the rest of my life. i found pictures of girls, tatlo sila. i found screenshots of omegle convos, i found pictures of sab (his dog), i found a screenshot of a phone wallpaper. his picture is on a girl's wallpaper and that girl isn't me.

it's so sad having to find out that that one person who you thought would be different, happens to be way worse than from what i experienced before. i thought i actually found a person whose life goal is to only make me happy. maybe i had it coming din naman, but i didn't expect it to be this early. i thought magloloko siya during the what they call '7-year-itch', we haven't even had our first anniversary yet!!!!! we haven't had our major fight, wala pa. and his alibi was because i was too cold towards him.

tangina naman, i could've made him a damn fireplace if he just told me that i was too cold, i could've prevented it naman diba? grabe what kind of fucking fuckery is that excuse? he couldn't even give the girls' names, saying he forgot their names. HOW TF?????

gusto ko siyang sapak sapakin, tadyakin, and everything but i was too scared to hurt him because i might lose the chance of us getting back together. yet again, i feel like i'm begging for someone to love me even though they don't deserve even the littlest of my love. i feel like i've been much of a beggar for such little love from people that gives me pain every chance the get. i hate the fact that i'm begging for people to complete me when they're the ones who broke me in the first place thinking that they're the only cure my wounded heart.

i've been so desperate for love

from others na hindi ko namamalayang hindi ko na pala narerespeto sarili ko. i tend to give and give and give my overflowing love to other people to the point that i even give them the love that i should be giving to myself. doble nang doble ng effort, thinking that through loving them too much, they won't dare to give me pain. i realized that no matter how big your heart can be, no matter how much love you give them, you will never get the love that you want because hindi sila yung kayang makapagbigay nun!!!! hays :(

this is all for today. i know nobody's reading my shit here, i just hope... maybe someday, someone can read my entries. gusto ko lang

naman mahalin, nothing more. hindi ko naman hinihinging magkasnow sa pilipinas or manirahan sa mars e. gusto ko lang mahalin, kahit na not romantically, kahit as a friend lang. i just want to feel loved kasi i have all the love to give and i think i'm giving it to wrong people. grr tama na drama, and if you made it this far into my journal, thank you :)