#this is the first time i've been personally affected by women's solidarity in my life

[littlegildedswallow]

got dogpiled by men defending pedophilic beauty standards on twitter today, and instead of the usual worry/anger/frustration I'd feel, all I want to do is laugh because they're FUMING and they KNOW I'm right. is this what growth is, gyns ?

[nekoning]

I want to speak in support of transfems, as someone who is TME that embodies some of the arguments used to deflect acknowledging transmasc privilege. I want to start by saying that nothing I'm going to say is something transfems haven't said before and that you should prioritize listening to transfem voices.

Just to give context, for most of my life I was a masculine, non-passing transmasc, now I'm a visibly gnc agender person who's been 2 years on T, but what is important is:

There has not been a single stage in my transition journey where I have not been more privileged than transfems.

Not when I was pre-T, not when I was masc, not now that I'm gnc and sometimes get read as transfem, never.

I can only speak from my experience, but I will use it to deconstruct a few of the most common arguments used by TME people to criticize TMA people that speak out about transmisogyny.

1) “Transmasc people face the same level of oppression, any disagreement to this is an attempt at dividing us”

(CW: mentions of SA and murder)

Believe me, I know oppression. For another context i live in Latin America, where if you've paid attention to statistics about transphobia, it gets pretty bad here. Transmascs I know have had heartbreaking life stories, a lot of them have suffered SA, a few became sex workers to survive, that and more transphobia transmascs have talked about before.

Not too long ago, I was in a candlelit vigil with other transmascs, mourning the murder of Ever, a trans man who suffered violence, was killed and dismembered. He was treated as a woman in the news like in most cases here, a lot of us wondered if we could be next.

That same day I saw a post about transmasc privilege. My first knee-jerk reaction was to feel defensive, how could I get told that in that moment? how could anyone think we're privileged? A lot of transmascs are having that reaction now, the problem is you're staying with that reaction instead of listening.

You think what transfems are saying is that you stand with cis men at the top, hand in hand, only rewarded and not faced with any harm. That is not what they are saying, what they are pointing out is that even if we're both at the bottom, transmascs are one step above, 10 cents above, it is not wrong to point out that difference, it's fair.

I could go on and on with anecdotes about how other transmasc people and I suffer, and yet, none of it will erase that privilege. It’s in the name that appears in my ID and CV, it's in the way masculinity is favored in comparison to femininity, it's in how the community's response to my suffering will most often be open arms instead of being harassed, called pedophile or rapist, being banned and more of what happens to transfems, it's structural, it's patriarchy.

Everyone has a duty to recognize in which ways they are privileged. It is the duty of transmasc people to recognize that, even though the little privilege they have is not enough to protect them from transphobes and cisnormativity, it is enough to be weaponized against transfems if they choose to do so. The same way that even if a cis man is the best of allies and is discriminated by other aspects of his identity, he still holds more privilege than women.

We have to be aware of this privilege not because there is an “oppression olympics”, but because it's necessary if we want to use it in favor of transfems and not against them.

If you think transfems speaking out about the mistreatment they face is what is destroying unity, you're wrong. it's your lack of solidarity that is.

2) “GNC or feminine transmascs suffer the same treatment, so everyone is affected by transmisogyny”

I'm very fluid in my gender expression and nowadays I pass most of the time as a man. Sometimes I get read as transfem by strangers and get harassed, because of this I've started to become anxious about going outside.

And that is kind of the point, I started getting treated worse when read as transfem, in no other stage of my transition, not even when I didn't pass at all and was very masc, was I ever treated this harshly. And you know what? it's still not as bad as what transfems go through.

Because it's occasional and accidental, it's not even directed towards me really, the oppressive system in place doesn't have me as a target. Some other transmascs will give me the side-eye for being feminine, still not as bad. Some people will misgender me, see me as a cis woman, still not as bad, cis women ARE more privileged than trans women. If something happens to me, I can reach out to my safety net and be supported.

Maybe you should ask trans women what happens to them when they reach out for help, what happens when they speak out about what happens to them. I can't claim to be just as oppressed when the bullets just graze me, they are taking the direct hit and you are not protecting them.

3) “We don't know the reality of transmasc oppression. There is not enough data about us yet to make these claims”

That fact infuriates me as much as it infuriates you, I wish we were studied more, because it is true that sometimes our experiences are undermined. However, despite that, I don't need statistics to know that transfems are telling the truth, because it's how patriarchy works. They are women, I am not. We are both trans but stand in different sides of the spectrum, patriarchy punishes moving towards their side.

If you're still old enough to remember, what was one of the most common things cis men would tell women when they would speak about the oppression they faced? "show me the statistics." Don't do that to trans women, even when we both know it's unfair that the statistics don't exist, don't. Believe trans women, it's as simple as that. I don't need statistics to believe them because we have decades of history as proof.

To end this, Sylvia Rivera and many more transfems fought to get their voices heard despite the rest of the community trying to silence them, the same thing is happening now.

When will you listen? when will you contribute to making the community safe for trans women? If you want an united queer community, strong enough to fight against cisnormativity and patriarchy, then you need to make your choice between defensiveness and solidarity, I already made mine. And please hurry, because transfems really need us right now.

There is much more everyone should know about transmisogyny, but you have to hear it from them, they are the experts, read books and articles made by transfems, listen to what transfems are saying on this site, listen to the transfems in your community, be there for them.

edit: i can't believe i have to say it again, these are my experiences only, not speaking for everyone, and still, personal experiences are one thing, a systematic, structured oppression is another, it changes nothing.

[gacha-incels]

Video Anon Yet Again

Thank you for not flaying me alive when I sent in my initial ask. You linking the tumblr post and goo's twitter thread helped to refresh my memory.

The first thing I checked in the description was for a link to the sources, but couldn't find one. So a friend reached out on my behalf, as I don't want to publicly "out" myself. I'll keep you updated if/when the drive owner gets back to my friend.

I've been trying my best to stay educated on the ripples indirectly caused by PM's firing of vellmori, as well as learning about the societal causes that lead to the huge gender gap in SK. I feel like part of the reason of the west's easy dismissal of the whole controversy is partially because the things Korean women fight for, are rights westerners take for granted/see as a given.

I will say though, trying to keep up with all of the news and how they were caused by PM does wear down at my mental state. I know it's important to care, and I know staying informed and informing others is one of the best ways to do that; but honestly speaking, I've been so worn down by all the other garbage from my micro and mesosystems/local politics, that I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat in my day to day life, and I'm unable to muster energy to try and advocate for women on the other side of the planet. I still try my best to stay informed (and your blog really helps with it, when I'm in a mind space where I can think more about these things), but its definitely frustrating/uphill battle trying to correct misinfo.

Personally speaking, I still have very complicated feelings regarding PM's actions and their IP, that i'm still trying to navigate/sort through since personal feelings aren't as black and white as the internet often makes it out to be.

Thank you for being a good resource aggregate that keeps track of everything that's happened since then, and thank you for being open to inform and discuss some of the things I brought up prior.

no problem, sorry if I come across as a person who would flay someone alive for asking a question, I thought I just wrote kind of bluntly lol tbh it's hard when you're not speaking to someone face to face.

in regards to stressing yourself out over learning this information I'll post my thoughts.

There's no reason to repeatedly expose yourself to disturbing news like this if it's affecting your mental and physical health. Completely burning yourself out mentally reading things online in some sort of kind, sympathetic but ultimately misguided solidarity doesn't do anything. maybe you'll feel like you really did something dramatic because your health has taken a serious toll in a short amount of time from reading, but these issues aren't flash in the pan. they didn't start in the past year and unfortunately they won't stop in the near future. on the ground level of advocacy we need consistency and stamina. at some point it becomes arrogant to think you can learn absolutely everything about a complex societal issue from another country by overwhelming yourself with information online. it's important to take action when needed and you don't need to understand decades of complex politics to protest pressing issues regarding misogyny, racism, colonialism et al. obviously. acts like protest, boycotting, mutual aid, strikes, walk outs, disruptions, and other street tactics are extremely important to a movement and typically require more immediate action. that's not what I'm referring to with any of this so please do not misunderstand. the average person learning things online needs to be consistent more than they need to totally stress themselves out trying to take in years worth of information within a week. in the long run you could develop fear and anxiety around reading news like this and completely avoid it, in the short run the stress will begin to negatively affect your health. this isn't going to help anyone. Learning your own mental limits is legitimately one of the most important things anyone can start doing, this is also something that doesn't happen overnight. it's a process. this will also give you the confidence to understand how much information you can take in and you won't feel as if you need to explain yourself to strangers online if you feel guilty about not doing more. I'm not saying you're doing this but I have seen it quite frequently and it begins to disturb me. It's dangerous because you're putting your self worth in the hands of a stranger, it's like a secular confession booth. you can get confidence from learning and speaking with others but none of this happens overnight and it's not something you can rush. understanding the amount of information you can take in to stay informed isn't the same thing as closing your eyes completely towards it. this entire thing is a process, maybe in a year I'll disagree with what I've written but this is how I look at it now. I'm glad this small blog can be helpful and as always I wholeheartedly thank those posting the information that I repost here and I will continue posting what I can in solidarity with the women in South Korea.

[thecoolerliauditore]

Hi I might sound a bit insane here and feel free to not answer this cause it might get a little controversial but I was thinking about the Jimmy solidarity hierarchy system you’ve been hinting at and how it seems to be some sort of life series form of the patriarchy.

Cause ok essentially I was thinking about your labour edit of Jimmy and then trying to like understand the fact that Jimmy is a social person right like his strength is his social skills and his likability. However within the life series (and similar) series) his biggest downside is the fact that people are mean to him, like if we think first episode of Sausages’s sossmp he talks about how no one’s died yet and they talk about how Jimmy isn’t there and would have died but then Pix specifically points out someone would have killed him (around 5:20ish). But then like everyone is obsessed with Jimmy people want to be in strange romantic relationships with him, people want to be around him and they want him to be like the centre of attention. They crowd around his streams a lot but specifically to be mean to him, one time in another sossmp video (sausage episode 11 around like 3-4 minutes in) they meet at his house for like no reason. But that doesn’t mean they’ll acknowledge his house is nice or respect him in anyway they just want his attention and to use him and his stuff for themselves and their own gain. Sort of in the same way men see women as like these mythical attractive creatures that they want the attention of without respecting

I’m not exactly sure how to put this into words but yeah people like Jimmy but not in the same way they like people, you know. They like him like an object or comparing it to our world they like him like men like women. (See a lot of this has also been on my mind since I read this one fanfic that accidentally projected their own experiences with misogyny onto Jimmy without even realising that’s what it was but I can’t talk about that cause it was so clearly written by some kid in a rough situation who hasn’t realised it yet but yeah overtime I’ve realised it makes sense why Jimmy was in the place he was in that fic)

Also if you ever want to expand on your idea of the Jimmy solidarity hierarchy I am very excited to listen

NOYEAH THIS IS AWESOME you pretty much put into words alot of stuff I have trouble saying outright but yeah The Ecosystem as I've come to call it is dripping heavily with gender (in a bad way). This is pretty much what I was lampshading with things like the labour edit and comparing jimmy to characters like anthy and kotoko

If I may say something that may one up the controversial aspect of this post I do believe a lot of it comes from the inherently somewhat homophobic style of humour a lot of the (real life. content creators. including jimmy himself) esmp crew tends to indulge in with jimmy where there are constantly bits that pretty much boil down to. hahaha a MAN taking on the social role of a WOMAN is that not FUNNY AND STRANGE hahaha that shouldn't be happening!! (don't want to get too into this because I don't think they're like. evil or anything I just think most of them are basic straight men who think gay = funny and that does weird things for the very queer fanbase's storyline they've made up)

On a certain level it's also very. Men can't be hurt in the ways women can so it's okay to laugh-ish. Like imagine if the maid poledance sequence in sos was being done to say. Pearl instead. I'd argue it'd affect Me in the same way but I don't think anyone would have the balls to suggest she do that in a video in the first place.

So what we end up with, character-wise, is Jimmy essentially being the victim of this. prison-like ecosystem where he's constantly humiliated through this taking away of his masculinity (whether that's through literally making him crossdress and poledance or denying his authority, such as during esmp2) as the "bottom of the food chain" so to speak.

Women are kind of an untouchable because it's not "funny" when these things happen to women (see: how sausage treats people like pearl and false vs how he treats jimmy) so Jimmy has to kinda. fit that slot. And I do think it's fun when people play with Jimmy having complicated feelings about this (especially through stuff like transfem headcanons and such) but yeah it is very much a position he is continously forced into.

Also I'd argue I've read. quite a lot of posts projecting frustrations with misogynistic life experiences onto jimmy. I think it's like. comforting a little bit? Like in the same way women like boys love because it's divided enough from you as a person physically to be confronting about your own feelings regarding sexuality or whatever but you can still enjoy relating to the characters.

Anyway I'd love to expand on the jimmy hierarchy thoughts. I haven't because I honestly don't trust myself to talk about creators I genuinely dislike as creators which is most of the people most responsible for that but I do have thoughts, albeit ones I wouldn't trust myself with. But pretty much no single one of them is like. a complete monster. they just all have very strange worldviews and accept jimmy's dehumanization because it benefits them in some way.

[ask-vladimir-makarov]

This blog is going on hiatus until further notice.

This will be a long post. Please read it anyway.

I've gone back and forth on this for a while now. I've been dealing with health problems and real life responsibilities that make it difficult to keep up with my regular posting, let alone with projects like this, which is why I haven't posted in so long. However, in the end, I decided I don't want to anymore.

I like Vladimir Makarov, as a character. I’ve been drawn to him since high school. He’s an interesting character to pick apart and analyze, both in the context of his fictional world and the larger meta context of his place in the narrative and how he’s received by his audience, especially in the realm of fandom.

However, he's also a character who has canonically committed genocide against the Chechen people during the First Chechen War. He is a character who, during his operations as a terrorist, profits from genocide in the Global South, particularly on the continent of Africa. And his reboot incarnation is no better, having taken part in Barkov’s occupation of Urzikstan and seeking to reoccupy it—timeline discrepancies aside, this is the character Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer wrote. And it’s for a reason.

I can sit here and talk about the nuances of fiction and reality and what it means to like a fictional character all day. However, I cannot and will not run a fan blog for a fictional genocider when my country, the United States, is funding, conducting, and aiding and abetting in multiple genocides across the world. I cannot draw Makarov cheekily answering asks about his love life and personal tastes while people suffer in Palestine, in Sudan, in Congo and elsewhere. I cannot contribute to a fandom environment where colonialism, oppression, and genocide are glossed over, whether fictional or real.

I implore everyone who follows this blog, or who reads this post, to do something within your ability if you aren't already. Attend a protest, participate in strikes like the one currently underway, and contact your representatives and implore them to denounce genocide and apartheid. Boycott companies on the BDS list and give your financial support to those who need it, whether that means donating to trustworthy organizations, purchasing e-sims for people on the ground in Gaza, or donating directly to those in need. Buy your electronics used and refurbished, not new. Create art—draw, write, make music, whatever it is you do—in solidarity for the peoples affected by colonialism, apartheid, and genocide. If you use social media frequently, follow those affected by these conflicts, pay attention to the news they share. Take the time to put the present into context and educate yourselves on the history of these conflicts and the systems at play. Encourage others to do the same.

Here is a very small list of resources on Palestine, Sudan, and the DRC to get you started. I may add more links in the near future, but keep in mind this is no way meant to be exhaustive; it is imperative that y’all take the time to inform and investigate yourselves. I nor anyone else can spoon-feed the facts. I've linked directly to donation pages for some, but I encourage y'all to dig through their sites to learn more and find more resources.

🇵🇸 Eye on Palestine + Taawon Association + Palestinian Children's Relief Fund 🇵🇸

🇸🇩 NasAlSudan: The Sudanese Revolution + What is Happening in Sudan? 🇸🇩

🇸🇩 Darfur Women Action Group 🇸🇩

🇨🇩 Friends of the Congo + their Resource Center 🇨🇩

>> kandakat_alhaqq on Twitter also has an extensive linktree of resources on many countries and groups in need of aid, including Sudan and South Sudan, Palestine, Somalia, Congo, Libya, Afghanistan, Yemen, Syria, Morocco, and the Uyghur people Some of the links I've already listed here.

>> Genocide Watch tracks genocide around the world. They have a list of reports by region and many resources on educating oneself about genocide, including a breakdown of the Ten Stages of Genocide.

Finally, as fans of Call of Duty, it’s important to acknowledge and reckon with the fact that these games are military propaganda. I’ve seen this refrain passed around the fandom time and time again, but very rarely do I see it actively engaged with; most often it’s used as a way of dismissing the game’s narratives in favor of doing whatever one wants with the characters. And as someone who’s made it My Thing to do whatever I want with the characters while also staying cognizant of the themes of the stories these characters come from, I’m going to challenge y’all to do the same.

Engage with the propaganda.

Take the time to analyze and deconstruct the games and their themes and pay attention to what viewpoints they’re encouraging. Pay attention to who you, the player, will have your guns pointed at most often, and why.

(Also, please please PLEASE watch Jacob Geller's excellent video, "Does Call of Duty Believe in Anything?")

And for those of us who like Makarov the character, take the time to educate yourselves on the very real things this fictional character was involved in, whether in the context of the original trilogy or the ongoing reboot. Put the present into context. Consider the role this character plays in the narrative, and why.

Do these things privately and publicly. Post about it alongside whatever else you share in fandom, whether that's art, fanfic, headcanons or meta analysis. Discuss it with your fellow fans.

I may one day come back to this blog, or I may not. Please do not hold your breath either way—this blog was a short and fun thing while it lasted, but to me, paying attention to the real world and treating these games with the gravity and depth they require is a more important use of my time. None of us are free until all of us are.

Thank you to the kind people who've followed this blog and sent asks, and thank you for reading this post all the way through.

I’ll see y’all downrange.

[azuresins]

What is your opinion on Grell's gender

I don't think that there's much more I can say on this matter, that hasn't already been said and pointed out here in this *chefs kiss* beautiful masterpost. by @chibimyumi ... But I'll do my best to reiterate the main points and offer something I noticed in the added scenes in Book of Circus that involved Grelle to back this up. - First of all ...the official spelling for her name, is "Grelle" - as of now Yana exclusively uses female pronouns for Grelle -The musicals aren't part of the same canon as the manga, neither is Season II... and that includes the OVAS (The story if Will the Reaper). - Most of the characters are in upper-class England during the Victorian Era, a trans person as we know it, would generally be extremely rare, if not unheard of by most people in this society (though there were a few!)... much less, an openly-out one. -While things in recent years have improved, trans women in Japan still do not have a lot of inclusive language that can safely 100% describe their identity to the general public, the way the west does. Eastern LGTB culture and Western LGTB culture are very different, and comparisons are often drawn in bad faith. Some Japanese trans women have reclaimed 'okama' (a word previously used by Grelle to describe themselves in a character interview) and others, consider it a slur. It's complicated, become a 'catch-all' word that can describe EITHER an effeminate gay man or a trans woman. - More importantly, it's been heavily implied if not-out-right pointed out in canon, that the work force at the Grim Reaper Staffing Association (at least, the "higher ups") are transphobic! Yana was deeply involved in the making of BoC, and there are additional scenes with Grelle in it as most of us know. -- Did anyone notice that when the higher-ups told Grelle she could go back to work, Grelle was dressed in their "butler" disguise and presented masculine, and then the moment she didn't need to, she resumed her true appearance and attitude?? ...That's extremely telling, and it was in there for a reason!

And finally ... Yeah, I think Grelle is a woman. And I think even though in the past she made mistakes at her job out of affection/sympathy for Madame Red, her arc was important ... It was our introduction to the concept that Divine creatures like Grim Reapers or "Death Gods" aren't infallible, and are allowed to rule break to the point someone else can defeat them / intervene and stop them -- and they can not put life back, once they've taken it. There was no correcting her mistakes, or giving life back to the people they incorrectly took it from. Once they're dead, they're dead and that's it. Without meaning to, it also showed us that o!Ciel's referenced "lineage" in the Green Witch Arc (why he can see Reapers) could just as well be connected to his mother's side of the family as much as his father's because it seems BOTH sides of his family have a tendency to get tangled up with divine, supernatural beings. That being said... I do think that while generally writing a trans woman in the role of a villain (even for an arc) that is specifically targeting other woman, for choosing what they do to their bodies ... is messy, because te/rfs and other transphobic bigots have a tendency to view trans woman as predatory and dangerous to cis woman. However, given that Grelle did not DO what they did alone, but did it at the bequest of /felt solidarity with a cis woman, she felt empowered and emboldened. A cis woman, Madam Red, was shown being just as harmful as Grelle was against their victims. Cis woman can and are, dangerous to other cis woman, too. Every time I've read an argument implying that Grelle somehow forced Madam Red's hand in the other killings or manipulated her into it, it reeked of both transphobia and misogyny. Especially considering Madam Red killed the first woman entirely on her own: you can not put all of the blame entirely on Grelle's shoulders, without infantilizing Madam Red. It was also written in 2007... at a time when trans woman were not widely discussed-- Much less fictional ones and how one ought to write them in an interesting but holistic way. Truthfully, I hope one day it wont matter as much whether a trans woman is morally grey or not. I personally appreciate her for what she is: A complicated, strong, female character who's morally grey. I think in the future it would be challenging and interesting if Grelle encountered a trans male... but that's just me daring to hope, and thinking that would be interesting. To see someone "throwing away" their womanhood but for reasons Grelle could actually sympathize with... 😩... I can dream. TW: Suicide mentions: ... And just on an emotional level being entirely honest, there is something... dark, but comforting... in the fact knowing, that even though Grelle was a living human being once, who at some point was in enough pain that caused them to take their own life... they can be the woman they want to be. Even if, in death, they still have to fight for it and skirt their "bosses"... -- Last of all... I just don't think anyone has made a single good point as to why Grelle is a cis man. Literally not a single one.

[radmista]

Random updates 1/?

Long semi-vent/talking outloud about relationships with TRA's

So I have a gf now. Sort of my first gf in a way, I dated a tif and nb tif before briefly. And while I know they were female, since this was more in my "be more accepting" phase, I kinda did see the tif as a guy even though our relationship was 1000% one I wouldn't have had with a male. I kinda processed it like "trans guys are just better bfs".

Having a GF is nice, she was one of my bestfriends and she asked me out the last day of June which was really sweet. I'm normally kind of hesitant to relationships, I feel I've never really gotten the supposed correct burst of excitement that comes with "making things official". I always feel kinda bland about it, like I'm a gf now woo... now what? I kind of chalk it up to being raised to be incredibly independent and not needing romantic relationships, if I were to die without a romantic partner I guess I wouldn't be too bothered as long as I had a good life. And also bc with my friends I form very close relationships that from the outside can be seen as romantic, so the shift to being an item isn't really anything drastic imo? The only addition really is kissing and other activities, and I guess I soften up around my partners, like I afford them more patience and lenience than I would if they were just my friend (I'll bite my tongue more on their behalf and not be as critical).

I'm pretty sure I love her, I care about her deeply and she makes me happy, I feel I can be mostly myself (minus the GC stuff) without judgement, I like holding her and kissing her, we can have good conversations and have differing opinions in debates and stay respectful, and I enjoy being in her prescence most of the time.

I say mostly bc like... she's kind of emotionally unstable sometimes. Technically she has an unspecified mood disorder, but she says she probably has BPD or at least says she related most to people with BPD. And that since the beginning of our friendship has been a flag of sorts. Not that I wouldn't date her for it, its just... a flag? Nearly everyone I've had a relationship with thats had BPD ended in a flaming pile of chaos and was rather traumatic. She doesn't split (permanently at least) from my observations of her other friendships and how she talks about people who've previously burned her so thats not a big worry. But she does get a rather big victim complex about some things and will jump to a "well I guess its all my fault"/"just blame [her name] for everything" and its frustrating. She's not a bad person, just a lot to handle at times.

Her emotional and mental issues aren't really a big beef, she at least acknowledges she has a problem and is trying to get back into therapy so cool. My main hangup is she's pretty big into the TRA koolaid. I didn't think it was that bad when we first started dating, I thought at most she believed in binary and nb trans people the basic stuff. But 2 weeks ago she mentioned having "bigender" and "genderfluid" ocs and it somehow managed to torpedoe any good mood I had that day and I got really quiet and gave her a "cool." response and continued cooking. And last week while discussing womens solidarity and how we need to have class awareness and making claims like "abortion doesn't affect rich women" or "abortion doesn't affect white women" only serve to distract and create divides meant to turn women against each other so we don't think we can work together. She got really defensive saying abortion affects poor people more (which yeah ik it does that's not what I said) before spewing what felt like an automated "the abortion ban affects everyone! Women, men, trans men, nb people, genderfluid people, intersex people, queer people!". And it nearly made me blow my top. I didn't argue her mentioning all the tq+ stuff but when continuing to make my point I made sure to keep saying "females" or "women". Since we're both in the med field she thankfully doesn't object to the term female being used (and even uses it herself sometimes).

Its just frustrating. She's so stubborn so I know changing her mind will be astronomically difficult. Her views on gender ideology and TQ+ shit was one of the main reasons /I/ didn't ask her out even though I found her attractive and saw potential in a relationship. She's also relatively "new" to being bisexual, she says she only realized she was bi when she was 21 (she's 23 now) and also claims to be demisexual (despite having more sex than me or heck even our other friends). So she's still sort of in her "vomitting rainbows" phase which can be a little cringe ngl. I knew I was attracted to women at 14 in catholic school, and have always just seen it as part of me, nothing special needing any fanfare. And I get thats just a difference in personality, but she's very much like those fandom people who always have to show off "how gay" they are on everything. I'm not doubtful she is bi and has attraction to women, she says she's had woman crushes and is attracted to me afterall.

I've tried approaching the demi thing before we even started dating, talking about the rise of hookup culture and male centered media that paints an unrealistic picture of attraction and sexual activity, how women develop sexual urges later than men tend to, the rise in use of SSRI's dampening or killing libido, and how wanting to be close to others before wanting to bang them is 100% NORMAL for women and a lot of people. Its just painted as the abnormal by media thats hypersexual. Even tried pulling out the "why isn't hypersexual a sexuality then?" before putting it away bc she kept expressing disgust at people that are hypersexual. I thought I had at least given her something to think about, but when her parents visited she had asked them to buy her a demisexual flag and now I gotta see it everytime I visit her.

I guess at the end of the day its not a HUGE issue since I'm also not very sexual, but it does make me uncomfortable sometimes wondering what internalized homophobia rhetoric she can be harboring as tumblr ace/demi people are usually pretty homophobic. She comes off sort of better than thou because she's not always horny, and looks down on people who are and calls them disgusting and that they should "keep it in [their] pants its not hard!" also saying shit like "sex isn't even that great an experience, its can be such a chore sometimes. You know what feels amazing: adding something to your shopping cart, so much serotonin, or cuddling on the couch yassss". Which I roll my eyes at bc I'm not a shopping addict and have heard the stupid "just cuddle" shit ad nauseum from asexual tumblr and past friends.

I know that sounds like a lot of bad stuff but idk, I feel like these are all things that she can shift her opinion on. She is younger than me and I didn't really fully jump on board radfem stuff until I was almost 24. Even though I was always skepticle of the trans movement from when I was 15, I did buy into their shit every once in awhile and tried to be supportive as a transmed until I was 23 when gloves finally came off and I couldn't keep believing the lies they told or ignoring the horrible erosion of womens rights. She lives in this very ignorant TRA bubble and hasn't seen any negative sides to the trans community or how their enforcement of sterotypes is wrong and misogynistic. I think partially bc (as typical fandom bi) she finds feminine men, men with long hair, and men in heels and skirts hot. She probably has a crossdressing fetish only through fiction, bc I doubt she'd find a real 6ft tall 0 fat distribution male with giant feet hot in high heeled shoes and an unflattering dress that fits him poorly.

I think if I just keep being vocal about womens rights and the rampant misogyny in society maybe things will start clicking in place for her. I just don't know how to make the transition (hah) to mentioning how trans and gender rhetoric also plays into this and is actually super regressive and making shit worse for women. I want her to realize how bs this all is, how its abusive to gnc gay and lesbian kids/teens and been a huge step backward for women. I just don't know how I'll get there without setting off alarm bells that I'm an evil "terf" and she "blocks to stay safe" herself from me. I've actually broached the "single sex only spaces" issue with her and her other friend in the room, and while her friend (gay male) opposed it and said it was transphobic (bc of course he did his safety isn't at stake) she said she can kinda see both sides. Which I think is a good thing, if she can at least see my point without branding it as an evil terven thought crime. So I feel like there's hope, but it'll prob be a real uphill journey esp if she continues to keep company with alphabet soup people on discord and fandom.

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.