#this is technically about nanowrimo but really that's just a framing device for me to talk about having conversations with morally reprehens

[seascapesandsalt]

I’ve been distracted all day. I’ve written like 200 words, total, and I was supposed to write 4000.

You know, there are some views people can take that make me not want to know them anymore, and being okay with refugees dying because they were denied asylum is one of those views. Being okay with toddlers being gassed is another. I didn’t think any of my friends would be okay with those things, but apparently one is, and now I am in a moral quandary.

I’ve tried my best to reach this liberal, environmentalist, Bernie supporter (of course) who also believes that refugees should “go home and fix their own countries” and that her white ancestors “came here legally.” Up until yesterday I had no idea that she held those views, and now I’m just horrified.

Usually in these situations I just cut the asshole out of my life and don’t think twice about it. I burn bridges super easily, especially when someone expresses bigoted views. If someone is behaving in a morally reprehensible way (for example, commenting that refugees should go home and fix their own countries on a post about children being gassed at the border), I don’t want them to fool themselves into believing that I’m still okay with them. 

This is not someone I want to cut out of my life. This is someone who I genuinely thought would respond to my points and at the very least modify her statements. I told her, “I know you. I know you have more empathy than this.”

Apparently not. Instead, she doubled down. No hint of empathy for anyone, lots of bullshit about how they’re only coming to America for adventure and riches.

Have I mentioned that I burn bridges super easily, especially on principle? It’s a fucking miracle that 24 hours have passed and we’re still technically friends. She doesn’t know what a miracle that is, but everyone else in my life does. All I’ve done on Facebook for the past day is passive-aggressively reblog things about the border to my wall.

I know that if I cut her out, that’s it. Conversation over, no chance of recovering this person’s soul. In the past that hasn’t bothered me, but I’ve grown, and now, at least with this person, the idea of just telling her what I feel (something like "you’re the kind of weak-minded person who denied refugees from Germany in WWII and insured the Holocaust had plenty of victims and I’m too disgusted with you to continue our friendship”) troubles me. I won’t waste my time with random assholes arguing in bad faith, but if I believe someone has good in them, cutting them out because they’re slightly more susceptible to our racist society seems like a bad plan. Besides, if it’s anyone’s duty to change her mind, it’s another white person (you know, like me).

The problem is, it’s a huge conversation with so many hurdles. I mean, she doesn’t even get that talking about white people coming to America legally is a fucking joke. She clearly believes that legality is more important that morality, or at least thinks they’re the same thing. Given some of the nonsense she’s spewing, she’s clearly reading some deeply conservative news or something. I don’t know how to have this long, involved conversation without it being friendship ending. I will lose my shit.

But if I’m going to continue to associate with her, I have to have this conversation. I wouldn’t be able to live with my choice otherwise. Even if I didn’t have this conversation and we never spoke about immigration again, I wouldn’t know how to keep being friends with her after what she’s said. And I don’t mean that in a performative allyship way. I’m not good at regulating emotions, and I’m worse at handling conflict. Even thinking about this a day later makes me shake and want to self-harm.

I’m stuck, and for the first time since he was elected, I truly understand that Trump is winning the national conversation about immigrants. That’s terrifying. Anyway, this is an interesting kind of writer’s block to have. Hope everyone else’s final days of NaNoWriMo is going better.