#this is such a miserable experience I already hate being sick and I've had covid once in like 2021/22 but this is so much worse dawg

[leeblissy]

hi I'm home sick with covid, am probably not getting paid for my time off, and have had to order quite a bit of food cuz I don't feel well enough to make anything o/-< it's getting very expensive very fast and I don't have much money left, plus the money im losing out on from not working is gonna fucking suck.

I can't draw anything rn cuz my apple pencil doesn't work and I'm just so so exhausted anyway but here's my kofi and my v*nmo is herecomeslee if you wanna help a guy out

[niisancomplex]

30

My parents used to celebrate my birthday when I was a kid.

So when I had my 30th here, in my room, with nothing happened, I dunno why I felt so empty.

Not that I like to celebrate it, my family does. (stop fucking lying i know i like to give myself gifts and princess treatment on my birthday. i bought niee meals and stuff to gift myself last month)

Honestly wished I was dead before 30 because it was my deadline. Deadline to marry, to have children, to reach a certain point in my life. But in reality I achieved... What? Nothing. Oh, right I achieved some things this year.

going to the gym alone (!!) defeated social anxiety? no, jokes on me i skipped few gym days because i was too anxious also i didnt go this month because im losing motivation and im too fucking depressed to go to the gym thanks

going to the hospital alone (!!) defeated social anxiety again? yes, and no. i didn't know what to do where to go i looked like a lost child also it was the worst experience. 1 wisdom teeth extracted tho at least

getting actual sick (with throwing up and diarrhea as bonus point) fucking sucks, getting sick alone in my room in this shitass city though i could get meds easily but i swear i've never gotten sick because i rarely go out! and yet, right after i reached 30 i got?? idk fucking antibiotic poisoning? food poisoning? i dont know but i've never gotten that sick for years, well, not included covid. i felt so fucking miserable i wish my mother was there or idk i wished i just fucking die already because being sick is annoying like just off me alrdy lmaoo

self-harming (!!) LMAO i know this is alarming and i'm not supposed to laugh but i ccant believe i actually reached this point. yk i hate pain, i never had that courage. but this year is just TOO MUCH and i almost reached my lowest point.

talking to psychiatrist (!!) yh i did it this year. i couldn't handle it anymore i talked through text tho. i knew i would get those diagnoses but in the end i didnt purchase the meds. i didnt wanna take meds because it's fucking expensive. damn staying sane is expensive i guess i'll stay insane jk i'll get help. unles...?

going to orchestra AHH MENTALLY I M STILL THERE thanks my brother for going to the orchestra w me :') it was one piece orchestra and I TEARED UP DURING WE ARE!!! forever my favorite childhood series

That's all? Idk, maybe, yeah. OH also i'm still so fucking burnt out w my job but what can I do? I need money to pay rent and bills. So burnt out with job, and life. idk. should i talk to psychiatrist again? maybe i should start taking meds. and move out. fuck i hate this place, this city. everything is expensive, and i hate the peopel, the air, the weather, the fucking sun. i need to move out so bad but do i wanna go back to my parents house? i dunno. idk. i feel like im a failure, i didnt achieve things i wanted to do in 30. no family, no house, no cats. fuck em children i dont want those in this economy but IF i could IF i was stable enough mentally and economically maybe i want them, maybe. in another life? universe? idk.

so yeah 30 but im alive? barely? hopefully only for a while.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I think often about what the last thing I say to some one before i die.

I don't know when ill die. If i make it home from the store.

So I tell my kid "I love you" every time and usually at our house some nonsense piece of advice so she knows i care

.....

Kelly Ripa decided to stop talking to her kids because they womt hug her. What if she died tomorrow? She wants them to know their mom hated them because they wouldn't hug her? Because she wouldn't compromise. She's being childish. She's the adult. "Okay i realize you're at the age where hugging mom sucks and you're using this opportunity and taking advantage and i know you're exploiting it in a way that is hurtful to my feelings as a mom. And it is unnecessary. So let's find a decent ground. So now er have to have movie nights 3 times a week. Quit your jobs if you have to. But we're all gonna sit in the same room and watch the same tv and be together. No touching. Because i love you. You're my kids and thr most important thing to me" instead she's a childish cunt ass bitch.

Instead she may die tomorrow and purposely leave her children in a gutter of guilt and hate. That's disgusting Kelly Ripa.

Your children are the age where they can say they do not want to be touched. You need to fucking respect that. It took Quarentine for them to tell you? What do you do on Your daily alcoholic binges that makes them feel your touch is undignified?

You beat them? Scream? They are probably the most thankful kids in the world that you finally shut up.

Don't think tree ain't telling on you because he is.

......

Now we Don't know what will happen ever.

What is dying with people? Old and children?

Knowledge. Information. Wisdom.

Old stories. Recipes.

Y'all going to the hospital -- you're missing out on the World's Greatest Gift -- you.

You're taking that from your kids and your great grandkids and your parents

Because you're scared. Because you're scared of the Great Unknown.

Stop.

You know what the best medicine in the world is besides love?

Laughter. Y'all saw my xrays of the cancer in my lungs? Laughing makes me cough and miserable.

But you know what? I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

And y'all purposely going to ICU. Where no one can hear your voice.

Can't hear you plan your own funeral.

Sing your favorite song. Or at least play it on the phones.

Can't hear you say"no girl i said "corn flour! That is corn starch!!" Watch you look at the can and then put it in anyway and hear you laugh behind them because you dam dumb.

"Oh!!" And watch you luckily be able to scoop it all or most out Or tell you what corn starch is. And why you put it is soup to make it thicker instead of flour. Then realize "dam you didn't do it wrong at all! Girl you are dam smart! Im sorry honey i still love ya! I'd still love you even if yoh ruined dinner!

That is what the world is missing out on.

This Quarentine bull shit. This lock them in the room like cages.

I'll go along with you call them all evil cause some really are.

But there comes a time that changes.

Our world don't stand still. It rotates on its axis every 24 hours we do a full blown spin.

The world don't slow down for nobody.

That's the truth.

Im not saying stop. The world don't stop for nobody either.

What I'm saying is play it smart.

You get a pilot with COVID-19 or someone immune to it. Dam go jump from the plane. Go bungee jumping.

If you're immune you're immune. Period.

The problem is Corona Virus. But if you are happy and having fun and your life is lit up how are you gonna get sick?

I am an immonology expert believe it or not. If you got a build up of happiness you're immunity is higher than others

Mine is not. I am not happy. I'd die on pneumonia in 5 seconds. That is why I already had the Corona Virus. You only get it once. So I am immune to both. And DNA4U will tell me that.

So i can bust all in a room of sick ass mother fuckers and be just fine. I can (slow) dance (for hours if I'm drunk) provided my back and hips don't eject me.

I can press my painful hip against a sick ass mother fucker's leg about to die in 2 hours to help me deal with my pain and let them die dancing in my arms.

Isn't that how you would rather die than hooked up to a machine alone, mute and unable to communicate?

Ventilators. Its a tube that goes in your mouth and down your throat. It can cause an even worse infection. And you can't talk. You can't breathe on your own. And it forces you to sleep because it's so much pressure you can't control your own breathing. Its one of the worst ways to live. And one of the worst ways to die. I've done both.

I'm not from some place higher than the rest of you.

Experience wise i am. Immunity for this particular thing i am.

Right now Marc Antony took all the cancer in my ribs and dropped it down to my hip. And it feels like a femur bone top. And it hurts like Hell. Mostly because I messed with it and i broke half it... Dude... It felt like a bone i didn't think it would. Every time i get up and walk it hurts. I have a fever now.

So y'all I'm not all I'm immune and better than you.

I almost fainted in the store today. I could cracked my head open and died. Dude i didn't expect that. I didn't feel fine but i thought it was stress not a health problem.

I don't know when I'll die. But i am told i will.

I was told in 2 weeks. But who knows. I don't.

So I'm not different than anyone else with COVID-19.

But i sure as Hell ain't going to the hospital to do it.

Not because they will probably kill me faster. And not because i don't respect them.

I really respect and love and treasure my personal doctors.

That's just not where I wanna be. Spending weeks and months in a hospital...

No.

I'm not wrong.

And I'm not wrong about the rest of the world being better together in a community center to die while dancing. Or playing volleyball.

Or anything... Chasing each other with cap guns. Whatever.

Playing chess and checkers or BINGO.

The governments have it wrong.

The rest of us have it right

#WeThePeople