#this is something i've known for awhile however it's still strange to me

[amysstarlesslife]

so crazy that angela from smosh is grace chastity

[chandlerwilde]

My Perception On No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai🥀

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This year has brought me many joys, that have left me with melancholy victories. I have been venturing out of my usual book genres and I've found a selection of well to do books that I simply cannot live without. How I've existed this far without them, I will never know.

There are many different types of literature out there and of course I only focus on English and European Literature. Not because I'm bias  in some way. But I've always found American and European culture very interesting. Despite ignoring my very own culture. It had never occurred to me, that until now, I have never heard of Asian Literature. It's like an unknown phenomenon that no one speaks of. When I think back of my studies in school, I've never even heard of my teachers mentioning Asian writers at all. It was like they didn't exist or people found Asian culture not important enough to read about. Which is odd because in Asian countries they have libraries filled with European novels and American novels. Is it safe to say that Asian people find European and American culture interesting, though we do not share the same feelings toward them.

Nevertheless, I stumbled upon Osamu Dazai after reading a mutual friends post about Vincent Van Gogh. It was a silly meme that consisted of Van Gogh and Osamu talking over their depression. Which is not something to joke about but I must confess I found it humorous. Through that humor, I decided to research Osamu and the rest is history.

So, here is my thoughts on the exceptional book, No Longer Human.

I want to give an in-depth review without giving the book away too much (if at all). But I must warn you that spoilers may become a possibility.

No Longer Human is broken into three parts, including an introduction in the beginning by Donald Keene, as well as a Prologue & Epilogue by Osamu Dazai himself. So, to make things easier to understand, I'm going to review each part individually.

The Introduction

Normally, I would skip this part of the book because at times it can be very boring and bland. But after reading The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johaan Wolfgang Von Goethe, I found it important to read book introductions because they can have valuable information about the writer.

In this section, Donald Keene noted how under appreciated Asian writer are in literature. For some odd reason, American & Europeans cultures specifically seem to feel like we cannot learn anything from Asian culture. Perhaps it has something to do with our history with going to battle with certain Asian countries. Yet, that did not stop countries like Japan and China from filling their liberties with American & European literature. Which upsets me. Had it not been for Van Gogh, I would have missed out on an extremely talented writer. I'm not sure who is to blame for this but I find the idea of not representing Asian writers outside of manga is shameful and sad. There is more to their culture than just that. However, as a whole our world only views Asian people in a small and certain light, that barely gives them any kind of positive recognition outside of the obvious stereotypes.

In short, I really urge everyone to take time and read the introduction and share your thoughts on Keene's and my views. What do you think and why is Asian literature so lost and underrepresented? Why do Asian writers rather be on the bottom of American top writing lists, than the top of Asian writer lists? It is very interesting.

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The Prologue

In this section, you learn of how Ōba Yōzō (aka Dazai himself) feels alienated and very much of a misfit. He tells you how all of his life he has worn a mask to hid his true sensitive and self destructive self. He harshly criticizes himself and informs you of how he feels about the nature of "humans" and how he never felt like one, thus making him believe that he is not.

I like this part of the novel because I can relate to it in so many ways. Many things he explained and said is how I felt (and still very much feel) about myself. Not only of my appearance and state of being but also without people. We both share the same reflection on our confidence or lack there of as a child. I shared his thoughts on normality being ugly and being bland and not standing out is worse than being ugly or beautiful. He even goes on to explain that death has more of a soul or an expression than him.

The ugly/void he felt as a child (as well as his whole life) has manifested into a visible void, that crept from his inner darkness and it carries a bland look.

Which to me speaks volumes.

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The First Notebook

Unable to cope with the world around him, Ōba begins to become a jokester and class clown, in order to mask away the alienation that he feels. He engages in planned fails and acts as if he has no clue as to what he does. He tells us of his environment at home. His father always being gone on business and his mother he did not mention much. He speaks of his maids/servants mistreating him, but he never reported them because he sees it as pointless.

We also learn he views a "human" as someone who is happy and hopeful. Perhaps, attractive in some way and could possibly have a great deal or comfortable amount of money. Which is strange because his family were quite wealthy and well known. He speaks of how he feels his life is a shame and the life of a "human" was not cut out for him.

There is much more to be said here but I do not wish to spoil everything. I still want readers to get a wow factor from this book, without knowing every details and topic.

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The Second Notebook

A very key factor in this part is that Ōba is caught by another student named Takeichi who suspects and confronts him on faking his fall during "gym" class. This sends Ōba into a manic behavior and he somewhat becomes obsessed with Takeichi and fears that he will expose him for being a fraud. I found this interesting given Takeichi had no intention on exposing Ōba or telling anyone about his opinions on his stunts. Certain things happens and the two become somewhat of friends and Takeichi began to mention things to Ōba that were predicting and in a way life changing for Ōba.

Ōba also finds an strong interest in art, which leads him to start painting.

Ōba also becomes apart of a communist group and becomes a respectable member. Though, he does not share their same views and is only there because he views them as misfits.

In this section, a young man now, Ōba meets someone by the name of Horiki. Horiki is also a college student but exposes Ōba into an unfortunate and dreadful life cycles, that pleasures and destroys him further.

He also tries to commit suicide with a woman named Tsuneko, who dies but he does not. This even tears him apart and causes his family to the verge of disowning him.

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The Third Notebook: Part One

Ōba begans to have multiple affairs with different women, from different walks of life. He becomes a heavy drinker and is expelled from college. He becomes too focus on self destruction, he was not able to create or focus on his artwork. He tries to quite smoking and drinking. But struggles terribly.

He marries a young girl, who tries to encourage him to stop drinking and for awhile it works. And for a moment Ōba is happy. The two both marry and move in together.

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The Third Notebook: Part Two

Working as a cartoon and sober, Ōba feels somber toward marriage life. He thinks of his wife as native and innocent. But he falls into bad habits once he is visited by an old friend named Horiki, who (with Ōba) witnesses Ōba's wife being sexually assaulted by an associate friend.

Ōba begins to blame himself, as well as his wife and becomes manic and fills himself with alcohol and is committed into a mental hospital. After leaving his wife for another woman.

This parts ends with him being brought to a home that his brother purchased for him and given the money he needed for living and personal interest. Ōba is left feeling empty and recounts his choices and views of hisself.

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Epilogue

We are then given the prospective of an outsider, who wanted to meet Ōba but fails. He then meets a friend of Ōba and she gives him the three notebooks. The man is intrigued by the notebooks and decides to publish them. We are left with a reflects of Ōba's friend telling us that he was a kind and gentle soul, who made everyone laugh and smile.

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My Final Thoughts

I believe this is one of the greatest books that I have read. I love the rawness of this book and I adore how the events were true. I feel that Osamu Dazai was a great writer and his death is very unfortunate. I find the way he told his life very interesting and beautiful and poetic. I wish I was able to meet him and praise him for being an amazing artist and writer. But the result would probably remain the same. There is so much that we can learn from Osamu and his life. His perception on life and people is very interesting and a very rare viewpoint on life.

I highly suggest that everyone checkout this novel and spread the works of Asian Literature.

Thanks For Listening.

-𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓻 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓭𝓮

Chandler Wilde

[breathebangtan]

Credulous

Ch. 6: J…….

Genre: FallenGuardianAngel! Jimin, Supernatural

Members: Jimin

Pairings: Jimin x y/n

Synopsis: love is an uncontrollable feeling, even for those who were meant to protect, and only protect. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet somehow, there was always outliers.

Warnings: None really

Word count: 5.8k

A/N: Hope you all enjoy! Please like and reblog if you do!

Ch.1 | Ch.5 | Ch.7

~

The bus I took was pretty barren, like a desert with cactus in randoms spots, with the occasional eagle perched on it. I took my seat, somewhere in the middle, near the back. The driver took a few minutes to finish loading the luggage. As he did I got comfortable in my seat, resting my head on the window. The smell of vanilla with lavender and roses was slightly filling my space, it wasn’t strong in the slightest. As a matter of fact, the vanilla wasn't as apparent as the flowery smells. The connection Jimin and I shared was becoming apparent as well, but barely even there. “Rest your head on my shoulder.” He whispered, as if not to startle me. I felt slight panic though, I was afraid someone would see him and wonder how he got on. “Only you can see me right now, and hear me for that matter.” He reassures me as if he read my thoughts. I give a little sigh, relaxing as I rest my head on him. I’d be lying if I said I felt the same amount of warmth I felt when we first met. Everything about him from that night was starting to disappear, or lessen at least. I wondered if maybe it was because I was getting use to his presence or if it was the stress he’d mentioned before, taking its toll on him. If it was the latter, I worried for him. Even if he was a heavenly being, the fact that he had stress at all proved to me that he could be fragile too.

I entangled my hand in his, trying to return the comfort he’d giving me all this time, hoping that maybe I could act as a remedy that could get his heart beating again. “Malum.” Jimin whispered, repositioning his chin atop my head, ever so gently, it was as if he was barely pressing down. “Hm?” I hummed slightly, letting my eyes flutter shut. “You know I love you, right?” He asked, his voice was filled with more emotion than I’d ever heard anyone put into words. The suddenness of them catching me off guard, the genuine raw emotion burning through my ears, like hot iron making its way to my heart until it left a permanent mark. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. “I…” I pushed away from him, staring up into his eyes. They were soft, not expecting anything, just hopeful. I just wasn't sure what they hoped for.

“All I want is your safety and happiness. You know that, right?” He continued. I don’t know why I’d felt so weird about it, he was my guardian, that’s what he meant when he said it. He loves me as much as any other guardian angel can love their assigned human, that’s what he meant. Nothing more to it. So why did I feel so oddly about it? “Of course.” I whispered back to him, as I noticed that the driver had finally made it in, getting ready to pull out of the station. Anyone who was remotely close to me, was wearing headphones. I could talk freely to Jimin without anyone questioning me, but I didn’t want to be louder than a whisper because the same silence would make my voice identifiable. If the driver heard me, he’d think I was crazy.

My hold on his hand tightens, as if to assure him. “I’d be lost without you.” The words escape my lips in such a breathy whisper, as I let myself rest on his shoulder again, hoping to drift into sleep even if just for a little while. His soft humming lulling me into slumber. I was supposed to be back home, at my parents house before midnight, which gave me plenty of time to rest. So I let the movement of the bus’ wheels on the concrete ground rock me, like a baby being carried by its mother on a rocking chair. Everything was so peaceful.

~

“We are currently 8 minutes away from our destination. Please be sure to gather all your belongings and be ready for our arrival. Don’t forget to wait for your luggage after you’ve gotten off.” The drivers announcement wakes me up. I’m thankful that he speaks in such a soft voice, saving me from being startled awake. As I regain consciousness, I realise that Jimin is gone now. My eyes look to the window to see the familiar city I’d been away from longer than I’d like. I waited for the bus driver to give me my luggage before walking into the bus station to await a taxi I'd called.

It didn't take long to arrive home from the station, nothing over 10 minutes. Which was great because I made it home with a little less than half an hour left before 12. I paid off the taxi with the remainder of the 100 dollar tip I'd received from the odd customer. I still could not believe that, that money was literally just enough to pay for my bus ticket and the taxi ride here. My head was starting to throb as I tried to explain how a simple customer, who had given me a weird nickname by the way, was able to predict what I’d go through? There was no way, he’d probably just been generous with what he decided was a fair amount to tip, and decided to write whatever?

Trying my best to put the thought aside, I knocked on my parents door and waited for them to open. I hoped I wasn't waking them, I had warned them I'd be here around this time. “Y/n! My beautiful daughter, oh you're home!” My mother says excitedly as she opens the door, pulling me into a tight hug. My father laughing behind her, bringing my suitcase inside with him. “Come on in sweetheart, you must be cold.” She ushers me inside the warm home, the one I've missed for quite some time now. Being an adult was tough, and being away from your parents for the first time was worse. I knew it was part of life, and I didn't mind it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss being in this house. In their presence. “I've missed you both. So much.” I sigh as I hug my dad, he pats my back slowly.

“We're so glad to have you home.” He smiles down at me, kissing the top of my head. The lights are mostly off but the ones that are, are dim creating a cozy environment. “Why don't you go rest, and we’ll plan something for tomorrow in the morning.” Mom asks me as they lead me up stairs. Even though I’d slept on the way here, I’m still exhausted. So of course I nod my head in agreement as we come up to my room. “Goodnight sweetie.” My mother says as she opens my door before walking off with dad. It’s just as I left it before moving out into my apartment. My white desk with all sorts of stationary on it, sticky notes on the wall in front of it. The fairy lights I had hung all over my room still intact, I wondered if they still worked though. I laid my suitcase on the floor and opened it, bringing out my pajamas. My burgundy bed covers perfectly made, it looked so inviting. I changed quickly and got into bed, leaving my phone charging on my nightstand. My mind drifted off not too long after and I welcomed it, ready to rest.

Instead of drifting into peaceful sleep, however, my mind started to go into dreamland for the first time in awhile. Only it wasn't a dream, but a nightmare. A weird distorted image of Jimin replying in my head. Oddly enough, the strange customer who had given me the 100 dollar tip was behind him, wicked smile on his lips, horns on his head paired with dark crimson wings. The same color as the tears streaming down Jimin's face, which was contorted into a pained expression. His hands tied behind his back whispering apologizes as I tried to run towards him, but I wasn't moving, my body trapped in place. The man behind him brought his hand up, his fingers getting ready to snap. All I could hear was my agonizing screams, asking him to stop, but it was useless. He'd snapped his fingers, and flames consumed Jimin. My body shot up in my bed as hot tears slipped down my cheeks, burning like alcohol on fresh wounds. I couldn't believe I had witnessed that, even if it was just a nightmare. So vividly, it was like it had truly happened. My hand came to my throat as I tried to breathe, but it was hard as I started hyperventilating.

“Malum? Are you okay?” Jimin was quick to rush to my side, bringing me into his embrace. “I thought I'd lost you.” I manage through heavy breathing. It didn't seem like just a nightmare, if I was honest, and that scared me. I wrapped my arms around him, not wanting to let him go. Afraid that he'd be taken from me. I've only known him for half a month, but I felt like I'd known him my whole life. I hadn't realised the gravity of just how much I cared for him. The way he looked at me when I studied, his adoring smile always made me blush. How he'd always check on me, to make sure I was alright, helping me out with such meaningless things like finding my keys. The fact that he knew what I wanted, when I wanted it. All he wanted was for me to be okay, but I didn't know that all I wanted was for him to be so too. I wanted him to stay by my side for as long as I could have him.

I was afraid I was becoming too attached to him, of what my feelings for him really were. He was my guardian, and he could never be anything more. “Please say that you'll always stay.” Another stream of tears slipped down, as I couldn't imagine him being ripped away from me. He pushed back the strands of my hair, holding my face from either side, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. His eyes staring into my soul, their beautiful dark brown shade was mesmerizing. “What are you saying? I'll always stay here. With you.” He leans in, leaving a reassuring kiss on my forehead. God I hoped my nightmare as meaningless, I hoped with everything inside me that his words weren't anything but the truth.

“I just can't imagine not having you.” I sighed into his neck as he held me close. Just as I'd said that, a knock came from my door. “Honey? Is someone in there with you?” My mother's voice chimed in, somewhat muffled because of the door. A slight panic came over me as I tried to think of an excuse. “No… No, not at all. I'm just talking to myself.” I face palmed at my own excuse, I'd probably sounded crazy. Not like most people didn't do it, but no one would admit it, because it would make them sound like a lunatic.

“Are you sure? I swear a heard a man's voice.” She insists, Jimin leans back slightly, his head falling back as he giggles quietly, watching me struggle. “Oh, I'm just watching something on my phone. But did you need anything?” I ask trying to change the subject as I hit Jimin’s arm. Not that it helps, so instead I cover his mouth with my hand. “Okay, well breakfast is ready. Why don't you come down and eat with us.” She says, thankfully not mentioning it again.

“I'll be right down.” I wait for her footsteps to sound further away before I remove my hand from his mouth, giving him a stern look. All he can do is raise his hands in the air as if he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong. “You just love seeing me panic, trying to cover for you, don't you?” He chuckles shaking his head. I get up from my bed, walking to my suitcase.

“Of course not… Besides that would be bad for me.” I could tell from his tone he wasn't being serious, even though half of his sentence was true. “Just admit it. You evil man, making me struggle.” I try my best to sound serious, but the slight laugh in my tone is apparent.

“Okay, just a little.” He giggles again. I grab my shoe and fling it at him, but once I turn to look at him he's gone and in his place is the shoe I’d thrown laying on my bed. There's a slight pull at my heart, as the images of my nightmare flashback for a second. Hoping this isn't the last time I see him, I gather a change of clothes and my toothbrush. After I'd washed up and changed, I walked down to the dining table. My favorites were set up on the table, in elaborate arrangements, pleasing to the eye. I was more than ready to dig in. “Mom… You really didn't have too.” I smile at her, taking a seat. I'd missed her cooking so much, and to wake up with all my breakfast favorites was a wish come true. At the same time I didn't want her to overwork herself for me. “It's been so long since you were home. I thought it would be perfect.” She smiles, as the smell of everything makes my mouth water.

“It is, it's perfect. Thank you, mom.” I pick up my fork, taking a bite. All of the flavors coming together in perfect harmony, nothing to overpowering, but just right. A symphony of flavors bursting in my mouth. It really had been so long since I'd had her cooking. “Your mother and I were thinking of going to the science museum. The one we use to go to when you were younger. You loved that place so much, we thought it would be perfect.” Dad smiles at me, waiting to see my reaction. I nod quickly, loving the idea. I could barely remember the place, as it had been that long.

“I heard they added some new stuff, is it true?” I wondered out loud. The website for the museum had mentioned something along those lines a couple months ago, but I wasn't sure if I'd read correctly because I was multitasking as I had done it. “A colleague of mine went with her son just a few weeks ago. She said there was new additions and some changes to already existing exhibitions.” Mom explained, which made me get so much more excited for it. Both my parents were what some might call, science nerds, so naturally growing up they'd shown me related things. I grew a liking to it, of course. But I had a feeling my parents always knew it wasn’t for me. Although, to be fair I wasn’t sure what was for me.

“Well I’m excited to go! It’s been so long since we’ve done something as a family.” I smiled happily at the both of them. We finished eating soon after, mom sending me up to my room to get ready, stating that surely I had nicer clothes to wear. I laughed at her comment and agreed, a somewhat prestigious place like that wasn’t to show up in ripped jeans and a simple tee. I replaced my current outfit for a black skirt and a beige blouse tucked into it, pairing it with black boots. The car ride to the museum wasn't too long, at least it didn't feel long, but it did take close to 40 minutes. It was pretty far away from home, but we still managed to make it relatively early in the morning.

The line to get inside was pretty big, so much so that many were standing outside waiting to go in. Surprisingly so, the line moved relatively fast. More than I'd expect it to with this many people waiting. We finally made it inside and started exploring. Taking pictures here and there. As we went along we noticed all the new additions that were made. Like the electric wall that makes your hair go crazy because of negative and positive energy mixing. Or the new area that was dedicated to climate change, and the negative effects it had on the atmosphere, and the earth in the long run. Everything was just as interesting as I’d remembered it, my parents throwing big scientific words around as they explained things to me. Not that I’d understand everything, but I got the gist of it, I enjoyed listening to them happily explain things to me. Watching them enjoy it made me happy.

After some time of walking, we headed out for lunch. “Wasn’t that just amazing?” Dad asked me as he buckled his seatbelt. The both of them with big smiles on their faces. “They adore you so much. How could they not?” Jimin’s voice says from beside me, my head turns so quickly to see him seated beside me, I think I nearly gave myself whiplash. He can only laugh at me, as I try to go back to conversing with my parents. “Yeah, just how I remember it as a child. I love the climate change section they added.” I try to keep our conversation going. Which works, my parents both busy talking to each other about it now. “Did you miss me.” He asks, innocent smile across his lips, I can only shake my head at his comment. “Do you always have to startle me when I’m around people?” I giggle slightly as I whisper to him, my parents not even aware, thankfully.

“I’m sorry, I just needed to check on you. After what seemed like a nightmare this morning, I wanted to see for myself that you were alright.” His eyes are sincere, as I hold his hand in mine. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be my guardian. “As long as you’re here, I’ll always be alright.” I couldn’t help but smile at him. I was starting to forget my parents were still in the car, because my mom was calling my name when I heard their voices again. “Hmm?” I ask her.

“I was just asking where you’d like to go for lunch.” She repeats herself. I didn't realise I completely stop listening to them, I'd only paid attention to Jimin in that short span of time. I was just so glad that he was back, because to be honest with myself, my heart had been beating irrationally this whole time. Worried he'd never comeback, I couldn't help but feel anxious. Maybe I should get use to it though, seeing as he was breaking rules letting me see him. Letting me know he exists, not that he ever mentioned it, but I was starting to realise it. “Anywhere is fine.” I smiled slowly at my mom as she nodded, my dad pulled out of the parking lot, taking us wherever. I could only look back to Jimin, trying to burn his image in my head, in case the ones upstairs decided it was time he stopped visiting me.

My parents started talking again and I commented here and there, as I did I felt Jimin’s hand leave mine. He was gone again. I fought the anxiety that was building up inside me, and tried to keep smiling for my parents. We finally made it to a restaurant we use to frequent when I was much younger. We made it in, and got seated almost immediately and just as quickly got our orders taken. “Sweetie.” My mom spoke to me, fixing her shirt.

“Yeah?” I gave her my full attention, waiting for her to say what was on her mind. “You never told us why you had the week of from both work and school.” She wondered, which she was right about, I’d only mentioned I had the week off but never explained why to her. I was still quite shocked at what was happening in school to be honest. “I still can’t believe why myself, but apparently the dean and couple professors have been money laundering with the students tuitions.” I shook my head slight as I sighed. Both my parents went wide eyed, not being able to believe it. “Money laundering?” My dad repeated as I nodded my head, insuring him that’s what I’d said. There reactions were similar to mine, when Rae had first told me.

“Yeah, Rae said that one of our professors was involved so there was a chance that by the time we went back to school, we’d have a new professors.” My mother raised an eyebrow as if saying wow. Which I agreed to. “What about work?” My dad questioned. I took a sip of my drink before answering his questions. I made a mental note to call Stephen later this week, see how he's doing. Poor guy, I could only imagine what he was going through. He'd seemed so rough the last time I'd seen him at work. “My boss gave us the week off, apparently his mother was in an accident. He just didn't want to deal with the shop, since he had to go and take care of her.” They both nodded, taking in the information.

“Poor guy, is his mother badly injured?” Mom inquiries, but frankly I didn't know. Stephen didn't give us any specifics, and I didn't blame him. He didn't have to tell us, if he wanted to keep his private life as that, private, then I was okay with that. “I'm not sure, he didn't say. He looked really stressed out though. I hope she's okay.” I sighed, I really hoped for the best for him and his family. The rest of the lunch went peacefully as we reminisced. Silly things I use to do as a child, places we'd use to go together, or short vacations we'd go on. I'd missed my parents and spending today with them was great. I felt refreshed.

That was until we'd gotten home, and I realised that I still didn't have my wallet or anything with me. Which of course I needed. I knew my parents could probably buy my ticket for me without a problem, as a matter of fact they insisted once I told them why I needed to go to the bank. But I didn't want to rely on them or their money. So, I walked to the bank that was near our house. Of course, dad argued that he could drive me, but it was in walking distance and I didn't mind. Eventually he gave up and they let me walk. The walk there was around ten minutes, which wasn't too bad, but it was chilly out so I was glad I decided to put on a sweater. I just hadn’t noticed that I’d mindlessly put on Jimin’s sweater until my mom pointed it out, before I’d left.

“Is that a man’s sweater?” She asked me, as she inspected it. I was caught by surprise, looking down at it. “Oh… I uh… I saw it at a store and really liked it. I didn’t mind that it was a man’s. Why? Does it look okay?” I asked her, trying to sound as innocent as possible. She brushed it off saying it looked nice on e regardless and walked away to the living room with my dad.

It still had his scent on it, strong vanilla with slight lavender and roses. I missed that smell. These days, his stress was making him change in all aspects. His light was dimmed, his roots turning black, his scent barely there, and our connection was weak. But his sweater reminded me of how cheerful and full of light he was when I first met him. I wished I could do something to help him get over his stress. I made it to the bank sooner than I thought, must have been because I was so caught up thinking of my guardian. “Hi, how can I help you today?” The woman behind the desk asked as she looked away from her computer screen. Her perfectly placed dark brown hair. Not a strand out of place.

“Hi, I just wanted to take out some money. I’m here on vacation, but I forgot my wallet at home. I wondering if I could do something about it?” I asked her. She smiled kindly, nodding at me, typing something into her keyboard. “Of course, do you have your ID?” She asked me, and I reached into my purse. Thankfully I had left a second ID at home with my parents before leaving to college. I got it out and handed it to the woman her took a look before typing some more. The process wasn’t as hard as I had imagined. She just asked a couple questions that seemed to be routinely. Once she’d given me my money inside a little envelope which I stuffed in my purse, I walked out. Before heading home I decided I wanted to buy some junk food from a convenience store that was close. Little did I know I’d run into David here, much less in my hometown. An odd thought that he’d been stalking me came to mind, but I remembered that he’d said he loved in a different town as well. Maybe he was here visiting as well.

“Y/n? Hey? How are you doing?” He asks, walking closer to me. I smiled at him as he leaned in for a hug. I didn’t want to be rude so I returned it. “I’m fine, I’m sorry about the other day. I really didn’t mean to just leave you there.” I sigh, feeling sorry that I’d done that to him, he didn’t do anything wrong. But I also just couldn’t be there, after what I’d gone through before that, I just needed to run away. “Don’t worry about it, I understand.” He smiles back. I nodded, walking with him through the store as we got what we needed.

“I’d like to take you out soon though, like we said that night.” He smiles, paying for his things, as I wait for him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out with him. Leading him on wasn’t fair, and to be quite frank I don’t even know what took over me that night that made me say and agree to things I wasn’t truly feeling.

He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, how could I say no? My mind started up again, just like that night. The vacancy inside my chest coming back just as addictive yet unpleasant as before. The sudden emptiness taking my breath away. But I was quick to regain it, a little use to it. “Yeah… you know what?” I pause, thinking of what I was about to say.

Just say yes, look at those pink lips. So kissable. I need to try them. My voice was starting to become more seductive, but it was odd, didn’t sound exactly like myself. I was confused. “Let’s do it. I've been meaning to see you again.” I was confused at my own words, but I went along with them, even if I wanted to disagree, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I couldn’t explain why either. But I did notice that everytime I spoke in such away to him, or the thoughts that I was having came to mind, the smell of lavender and roses was growing stronger.

His smile grew from ear to ear which made me do so as well. “Oh great, I’d love that. Maybe when we get back? I know the perfect place to go to. I think you’ll really like it.” He speaks as he guides me out of the store. I just nod my head, walking close to him.

“Sounds great, getting to know you better. We barely got the chance to last time,” I pout slightly, looking up at him. “and I know from the short time we spent together last time, it’ll be fun doing so.” His cheeks stained with a rosy color that I knew well enough it wasn’t from the cold breeze. “But David, you never said why you’re in town.” I wondered out loud.

“Oh, I came to pick something up from a friend who lives here. Since we have the week off school, I decided I’d stay over a little longer. Haven’t seen the guy in a couple months.” He explained with ease, and I nodded as he did, taking in the information as I walked. Relief when he explained, the thoughts of him stalking me escaping. I breathed a little more freely after that. “Are you here visiting someone too?” He questions me now.

“Uh, yeah I came to visit my parents.” I smiled, we were getting closer to the street I had to take a turn on, which meant I may have to say goodbye to David. “Oh that's right. You mentioned you lived two cities away.” His face expressing the sudden remembrance to the piece of information I'd told him that night. I giggled slightly at it, before we were interrupted.

“Malum? What are you doing?” Jimin's familiar voice calls out to me, as I hear his footsteps get closer. My mind told me to ignore him, because if I responded, David would think I was weird, talking to air. My heart dropped in a matter of seconds when David questioned me, however. “Is he talking to you?” He asked, and I realised Jimin wasn't hiding, he was making himself visible to David. I turned around to face him. I noticed the black in his hair was starting to pass being just in his roots. Was he okay?

“Ji… What are you doing here?” I stopped myself from saying his name, not wanting David to hear. Instead I questioned him on his presence, and the fact that he was openly letting David see him. “Your mother sent me out to get you, she felt you were taking too long. Was a bit worried.” He explained as he grabbed the bag from my hand. Obviously I knew he was lying, but why was he? “Let's go home, yeah?” He gestured towards my house with a slight nod of his head.

“Who is he?” David questioned, his expression was a bit bitter at Jimin, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice Jimin's sour one as well. “Uh, who are you?” Jimin retorted. My eyes going wide for a second. “This is just, uh… My neighbor, were childhood friends.” I giggled as I tried to come up with an excuse on the spot, hoping David would ignore Jimin's comment. “I really should get going now.” I smiled, I was about to hug him goodbye, but Jimin's hand slipped in mine, catching me off guard. He pulled me away towards my house, all I could do was wave at David instead, as he stood their dumbfounded. His expression growing more confused when Jimin snaked his arm around my waist and kissed near my temple. Leaving me just as confused, as I looked up at him.

I would have said something, but I was just so speechless at Jimin's actions. Once we were a couple houses away from mine, I took my bag and pushed him away. “What were you thinking?” I angrily said, as I walked away. My mom and dad were chatting in the kitchen and didn't stop to ask what they were up to, instead just announcing I was home before rushing up to my room. “What was I thinking? What about you?” Jimin's voice was a bit louder than it usually was with me, a tad bit aggressive as well. I was use to him scolding me sometimes, but even then it was sweet and calm. This? I'd never heard from him, he was so different now.

“Me? I did nothing wrong? I was talking to a friend, coming home. Until you decided to show up, and reveal yourself to him. What the hell was that about?” I fought back, my voice wanting to yell at him, but I knew I couldn't. My parents would come and ask what was going on, and that was out of the question. “Out of all people, him? After what happened a couple nights ago? I don't want you around him. Is that too much to ask? Only look at me. I've told you, you're mine,” He takes a few steps closer to me, his stare is intense, and where his usually brown eyes that had a spark of light in them use to reside, are now deep dark brown eyes that could easily be mistaken for black. An emotion I wasn't familiar with expressed in them. “I need to know you're safe.” I felt like my body was floating, my mind was not existent now, and I was losing myself inside his eyes. That was until I realised that the moment his words left his lips, the black in his hair start consuming the blonde that was left. At the same time, the little bit of light that still followed him was gone, nothing at all was left. I wasn't sure why, but I felt a piece of me leave, in that instant. A single tear fell from my eye, as I reached to touch his hair.

“What's happening to you?” I questioned, my fingers touching the dark strands. The blonde disappeared so quickly, leaving nothing behind but black hair that resembled the feathers of a raven sitting on a windowsill. My heart ached, as I wasn't sure who was standing in front of me anymore. His hand wasn't as warm as it use to be, as he wrapped it around my wrist. His soft lips leaving a kiss on my hand. “I've told you, it's just stress.” I couldn't help but think that I was the one causing him all that stress. He didn't want me around David because of what happened the last time I was with him. He was afraid I would be in danger around him. Here I was, trying to relive his stress, but I was just adding on to it.

“I'm… I'm sorry, I'll stay away from him. Just, please don't worry so much.” I needed to find a way to help him, I just wasn't sure how. “I just need to have you here with me, and everything will be okay.” He pulls me into his embrace, one that feels oddly different in a pool of familiarity.

I was his? As I let him hold me, his words came back and repeated themselves in my head. Only look at me. What did he mean?

[daffodi1]

Alright, so now that I've had top surgery, it's time to write the sequel to my hit post about HRT and now write:

Things I wish someone had told me before I got top surgery!

(DISCLAIMER: these are things I wish someone had told ME, ie they are specific to MY experience. I don't really want to hear anyone call this scaremongering bc it isn't intended as such, it's just a review of shit I wish I had known in hindsight.)

Buy a backscratcher. You won't be able to reach up to scratch your back and trust me, it's gonna itch.

You are going to smell SO fucking bad. Idk what it is, something about surgery and the fact that you won't be able to shower or wear deodorant AND the compression vest you have to wear 24/7 for weeks will make you so stinky. There is nothing you can do about this. I'm sorry.

Getting the drains taken out wasn't that bad. It felt a little strange but I didn't really feel it. Getting the BOLSTERS taken off, however, nearly made me pass the fuck out even though the doctors told me it wouldn't hurt (and it didn't hurt THAT bad but the sensation of stitches coming out of my skin was that unpleasant).

I mentioned it in a previous post but for awhile after surgery, whenever you drink cold drinks, you can feel it in your incisions. This was pretty unpleasant for me. Please just drink stuff at room temperature.

Take a pillow with you on car rides. If someone goes over a speed bump too fast or makes too sharp a turn, you WILL feel it in your chest and it WILL hurt.

Just because your scabs start to flake off around the 2 week mark does NOT mean your nipples are dying.

You will need a LOT more time off of work than tumblr recommends. I was always told 1-2 weeks by the internet, but when it came time to ask my doctors, they told me that for desk type office work, the recommendation was 4 weeks, and for ANYTHING more strenuous, 6 weeks. Plan accordingly.

Do NOT. Hold your phone/nintendo switch above your chest when using it. You MAY drop it. It WILL hurt if you do.

You aren't going to be over the moon at first. You knew you needed this procedure and wanted it more than anything; your body does NOT know that. Your body only knows that you just got sliced open and had parts taken off, so it's giving you bad signals and releasing the unhappy chemical. This doesn't mean you made a mistake by getting the surgery, it means your body is doing its job and trying to fix everything. Be patient with your emotions for awhile.

Because of this, talking to cis people is going to be very annoying a few days after surgery. Most of them will ask you if you're happy yet or if you feel better-- you're not going to feel great yet. Don't let their comments get you down; it still doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

[qforqazaq]

Black Dial: The Drama

You've probably heard the latest news from the Q-pop world: L and Teddy are no longer in Black Dial.

Hmm, where shall I start?

***Disclaimer: For the convenience of the foreign fans who aren't sure what has actually happened, I tried to recreate the sequence of events to get some exposition first. I've missed some details here and there, because this was already getting too long.***

It all began when the producers of YB Entertainment posted the announcement saying that the official Instagram accounts of L, Teddy, Ray and Black Dial were hacked, so from now on everything that's going to be posted on those pages has nothing to do with YB. "Okay, the pages got hacked, whatever, it happens, no big deal", I thought. BUT! After awhile I've noticed (first ever) IG stories posted on L's and Teddy's accounts with the actual L and Teddy recording each other while giddily saying something like "Did you know that we were hacked?" - "Lol, no, did we?" - "Yeah, they say we were hacked. I am hacked, you are hacked, comeback is hacked too, hahaha".

Obviously, everyone got even more confused, like, why the hell would the producers call the accounts hacked if they were obviously not. I mean those were real L and Teddy, right?

Meanwhile, I started to read some comments about L and Teddy and something about leaving the group, which got me a huge "Wait WHAT. WTF??? Are you bloody kidding me??" moment.

I obviously couldn't believe my eyes, because, what the hell, first Newton, now Black Dial, are you for real?? When I was about to start doubting these rumours while frantically looking for more info, there came interviews from the official press conference by YB Entertainment.

There, Yesbolat Bedelkhan with Bayan and Bota Yerimbet have formally announced that Yeskeldi Quandyq, formerly known as L, and Samat Kazmaganbet, formerly known as Teddy, were no longer the members of Black Dial, that the company had terminated their contracts, the main reason being consistent violation of the contractual terms by the former members. Moreover, according to the producers, the stage names "L" and "Teddy" and all the social media accounts belong to YB Entertainment and they cannot be used by the members should the contract be terminated.

To say I was shocked is to say nothing. Because, apparently, L and Teddy have not just left the group - they were kicked out. Not only that, they basically kicked themselves out by consistently showing insubordination, disobedience, and violation of terms in many occasions. Without feeling much remorse about it too, it seems, as they didn't look very sad on those Instagram stories - that's for sure.

To make the matter worse, they had no rights to use those Instagram accounts anymore, which explained the earlier announcement about "hacking".

Frankly, that was a lot to take in, and while I was desperately trying to make sense out of whatever was happening out there, all hell let loose. Interestingly - on the producers. Because a horde or rather a flock of angry fangirls or "Ravens" started to shout accusations at the producers, blaming them in all deadly sins. According to them, it was all producers' fault, because they intentionally kicked their "biases" out; how did they dare to be so unfairly strict with them; they were shitty producers in the first place; they should have made their comeback sooner instead of postponing it; the whole "hacking" incident was made to sabotage the members' reputations, and their beloved L and Teddy did the right thing leaving this horrible company.

As for me, these accusations sounded too heated and not very convincing especially when I took a step back and started to actually think about it.

Well, let's break it down, shall we?

First of all, the question of fairness seems super childish, because we're talking about actual legal binding contracts, not some sandbox tantrums that can be resolved by shoving lollipops in kids' mouths. If one signed a contract, it is assumed that both of the parties were aware of and agreed to all of the terms in the first place. In other words, if you in a sober mind signed a legal document, complaining about stuff that you can't eventually commit to afterwards won't work. Why the hell one would even sign a contract in the first place then?

Secondly, do you really think the contract was that strict? Okay, stricter than, idk, a contract signed by the guys from 91? I do very much doubt it. I'm more than sure Yerbolat isn't that chill and understanding compared to his younger brother.

Thirdly, Black Dial is the only active project of YB Entertainment (Darrem doesn't really count) aka literally the company's only flagship product that was supposed to get its long-awaited comeback. Think about it: who the hell in their right minds, in such a crucial moment, would kick out members from the only existing group without a legitimate reason? No one. And there was one reason, a few actually, wasn't there? Moreover, according to Yesbolat Bedelkhan, they've tried very hard to keep the group intact, to smooth out those cases of disobedience and insubordination, closing their eyes to most of them. But I guess, the situation got completely out of control, so terminating the contracts was the last resort.

Fourthly, haven't you thought that the comeback was being postponed over the course of, what, 9 months? exactly because of the internal problems and conflicts inside BD and YB? What if the producers weren't sure if they could proceed should have the said members continued to "misbehave". Which they apparently did, so better cut ties earlier than later, with only one MV, and one more released song.

Next, the "hacking" incident. According to Yesbolat Bedelkhan, sometime around February 14, when BD was supposed to record a video to mark the date, L and Teddy have completely disappeared from radar, not answering anyone's calls and/or messages. The producers even tried to reach their parents at some point, to ask if everything was alright with the boys. Strangely, the parents were not reachable as well, because apparently they have changed their contacts too. Later, the producers discovered that they couldn't access official IG accounts of L, Teddy, Ray and Black Dial, because someone changed their passwords. I suppose it was then they guessed it was L and Teddy's doings, which I assume was the final blow.

Finally, Yesbolat believes that someone from outside have persuaded the boys to sabotage their own places at YB Entertainment. A certain someone with a personal grudge against YB producers. I have my guesses and I won't be surprised if this someone will collaborate with those two at some point in the future too.

Show business sucks, doesn't it.

_________________________________

Don't get me wrong, by making a case for YB Entertainment, I don't want to imply that Yeskeldi and Samat are inherently bad people or anything. Okay, I must admit I had my problems with Teddy and tbh wasn't very sad to know he has left the group (yeah, I'm crude), but I did respect L very much, coming to admire his capacity for songwriting when I took on that challenge at translating their songs (Bul Soni Yemes is a lyrical masterpiece. Period.), regarding him as a very thoughtful young man. Despite personal preferences, I didn't want anyone to leave the group in any circumstances, always hoping and betting on them to settle at least on the second place in Q-pop.

In other words, waking up to a news like this has brought me no pleasure. Further unfolding only left a bitter taste in the mouth and the feeling that you were viciously played.

However, I do still think that it was, pardon my French, totally a dick move to leave everyone and everything just like that, without a decent explanation, a formal apology to the fans at the very least. Leaving by making a public drama out of it, while openly gloating in the social media, abandoning the company, the producers and the other members who counted on them so much.

Was it fair? I think not.

I do wish them luck in whatever they're planning to do though, just to see if it was actually worth the drama, huh.

And I do certainly wish the best of luck to YB Entertainment, to the producers and the remaining vocalists in remedying the whole situation, so to speak.

And what now? Yes, YB is having their casting in search for their new rappers and everything, but what does it tell about the whole "Q-pop movement"?

It's impaled, sick and haven't even grown out legs to stand upright and move properly. People are leaving the groups whenever they want, groups changing the label companies however they want, the entertainment centres are opening and closing at flick of the fingers, and we only have about eh.. 3.5 groups who are actually doing something now? With Black Dial on the resting bed, those would be Ninety One, Mad Men, Moonlight and sort of Newton~. Considering that I'm already very cautious with the latter, skeptical with the second, and Moonlight just doesn't excite me very much, we're coming to the default settings of just clinging to the founders for now while just observing everyone else from the distance.

Nice.

What do you think though? What was the reason for BD having so many problems with its former rappers?

Is Q-pop actually going to crumble to pieces even before it becomes anything substantial?

Feel free to comment and share, and please do leave a like at least. I've been writing this for ages after all.