#this is so scary & also the most cringe thing i've ever done probably
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finalgirlrick · 2 years ago
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Ain’t It Easy
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Pairing: Rick Grimes x Reader (prison era)
Word Count: 1k 
Warnings: none I think, just fluff. 
A/N: this is my first ever fic & I've had it done for weeks but I've been terrified to post it lmao. might be my first and my last fic but i hope someone out there likes it lol. pretty common trope, but reader has trouble sleeping & stuff commences. there is a rick grimes fic drought which is simply unacceptable, that man is too hot. shoutout @weretheones & @normanplusdaryl for reading over it & motivating me to finally post it :') also, i named this after a random song & it probably makes no sense.
You were no stranger to insomnia. Even before the world went to shit, you often found yourself tossing and turning endlessly until you could see the first glimpse of sunrise. It only got worse after the fall. Now in your cold prison cell, with the threat of growling blood-hungry walkers right outside, the ability to get a good night’s rest felt even more like a fantasy. 
It was impossible to know what time it was. And who cared anymore anyway? There were more important things to worry about. All you knew is that you were fed up with trying to get rest when your mind and body clearly had other plans. You could only lay on your thin prison mattress and stare at the ceiling for so long. If sleep deprivation was how you died, so be it. You were done trying. 
So you decided to take a walk around the prison, careful not to wake anyone and envying all of the people that were able to get a few hours of peace. The bags under your eyes proved that this was something you hadn’t experienced in a long, long time. Daryl’s loud snores almost stopped you in your tracks, but onwards you went past the other's cells. Reassuring yourself that everyone in your group was safe was a welcome distraction from the weight of your heavy eyelids. You found yourself zoning out while taking in the details of the prison when a sudden whisper made your body jolt upright. 
 “Everything alright?” said the raspy southern drawl that you would recognize anywhere. Rick. He was carrying his newborn daughter, Judith, seemingly lulling her to sleep. “Yeah, just going for a walk,” you said with a chuckle, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. Somehow, whenever you were around the leader you couldn’t help but turn into an awkward babbling mess. 
“Can’t sleep?” he asked looking up at you with a gaze that made you feel like he could see right through you. There was no use in lying, standing in front of him you lost all of your willpower. You looked down at the ground, feeling your cheeks turn pink as you answered — “Nope.” You felt a strange sense of embarrassment. At what exactly? You didn’t really know. Or maybe you were just ignoring it, knowing that whatever stupid feelings you were having were to be kept buried deep. At least the prison was dark enough to mask it. 
“Judith couldn’t either, just knocked out almost this second,” he responded, flashing you a smile that made you just about melt. There was a subtle shift in his expression, as his gaze once again moved to Judith. “Yeah…I’ve been having trouble sleeping too ever since - ,” he stopped himself mid-sentence. You looked at him in understanding, unsure of what to say. There was really nothing to say in these situations. You knew that all too well. 
Swallowing his emotions down, he urged you to go inside his cell with a simple hand movement. He put Judith down into the small crib that Glenn and Maggie scavenged a few weeks ago, where she lay soundly asleep. An awkward silence filled the room, broken only when Rick suggested, “Try sleeping here.” Although, with his authoritative demeanor that always captivated you, it sounded more like a gentle order. 
You felt your eyes widen in shock and almost immediately, you explained to him that you couldn’t possibly do that. You didn’t want to bother him, and honestly, your lack of sleep wasn’t that much of a big deal anyway. But he interrupted all of your excuses by repeating again, “Try.” And it was hard to say no with the look he was giving you. When he so carefully explained to you how it is a big deal, and how your well-being is of grave importance to the group. You didn’t necessarily agree, but hearing the words from his mouth felt good, and the last thing you wanted to do was disappoint him. 
“You’re scared,” he said as he sat down in a chair a few steps away from his bed, where you now sat anxiously. “What?” you snapped on impulse, quickly regretting it. “Of everything outside the walls,” he whispered shaking his head. “All of it,” he continued. “Not just the walkers, everything out there we don’t know about. That’s why you can’t sleep. And I get it, I do.” You took notice of the way his wet curls framed his face and moved as he spoke. How there was genuine concern for you in his bright blue eyes. 
Maybe he was right, you told him. But what was the solution? This was life now. Rest wasn’t ever going to come easy again. Not for you. Until he proposed you with a plan. He would stay awake alongside you as you tried to drift off for the millionth time tonight, in an attempt to make you feel safe enough to do so. It didn’t hurt to try it, he reiterated. And so, you agreed. 
With a swift tilt of his head he encouraged you to lay down on his mattress, and although you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were invading his privacy and robbing him of well-deserved rest — you swore you never felt more comfortable. And it certainly wasn’t because his bed was of better quality than yours, or because the temperature of the room was just right. His presence was a comfort, and goddammit he was right — maybe this was all that you needed after all. To feel safe. To have someone near you that made you feel safe. As you closed your eyes, you eventually felt the world fade away and finally drifted off into a deep sleep. 
In the morning, while gearing up for your shift at the fences you recalled a memory - or, perhaps a dream - of feeling a hand tuck a strand of hair behind your ear at some point during the night. But there was no use in entertaining silly fantasies, back to work you went. 
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vyl3tpwny · 10 months ago
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You inspired me to get back into Bangarang era Skrillex without shame in my heart and to embrace the (harmless) cringe in my soul. As well as seek out other lesser known artists who keep up that sound. So, thanks!
real talk i have been making music for almost two decades now. when i first heard skrillex's music i instantly knew it was amazing. but i couldn't really express why. as i've gotten older, spent lots and lots of time making music and learning about music and researching, a lot of things i used to adore don't impress me like when i first heard them. but even all this time later, skrillex's music — past and present — is incredible and untouchable. i think a lot of casual listeners do not realize just how flawless, complex, and perfectly executed his sound design and ideas are across the board. the best thing you can do when listening to skrillex's music is just pick out ONE single sound and ask yourself "how did he create this sound? how do you go about creating this sound from scratch". the casual listener rarely considers a question like this, but when you ask this about nearly anything skrillex makes, even if you can fathom an answer it's still the most mindblowing thing in the world.
but sound design is not everything either. i got sucked into the soundcloud community around 2016 or so. to any of my soundcloud classmates, peers, and alumni, hey how are you doing <3 but the soundcloud scene of 2016-2019 was a VERY specific beast. a lot of the music that emerged during the scene's height was this idea that sound design is always more important than anything else. so you would have tons and tons and tons of songs that came out that had crazy sound design ... but not much else. this goes back to skrillex's music. skrillex's sound design isn't just complex, but it's also executed with amazing songwriting. it isn't just a tech fest, he's making amazing songs, perfectly accessible, with incredible sound design as the foundation rather than the only thing the music has to offer. for a while i think i had been so swept up by the soundcloud scene that i rlly ignored songwriting in favour of sound design, like i had to choose.
that is to say, skrillex's music has been and will always be a pinnacle of what "festival EDM" should be evaluated as in standard. i've already done my share of criticizing skrillex for how he butchered "dubstep", and i'm not going to ever pretend that such criticism does not exist. but regardless, EDM is an extremely saturated genre which has caused lots of people to hate or misunderstand it. i think if people focused more on making strong songs and not tunnelvisioning on one aspect of the music, EDM would be more compelling to more people, beyond just 'sounding good' or 'being a banger'.
scary monsters and nice sprites, the song, is a really good song. it has a pretty standard arrangement and flow, but moment to moment it's always interesting and full. the production is so ridiculously clean and dynamic but does not skimp out on making shit sound beefy and deep as well. but what a lot of people don't realize is that the sound design on that song is so incredible, that in a lot of music spaces, it's considered a holy grail to whoever fully reverse engineers the growls in scary monsters. for over 10 years now, there have been dedicated skype groups, discord servers, youtube streams, and forum threads on people literally dedicating portions of their music making lives to trying to understand JUST the scary monsters growls alone. what makes it so elusive is that it's likely done with the FM8 synth and trying to reverse engineer more than 2-3 operators on an FM synth is literally a death sentence. skrillex himself probably couldn't remake it from scratch, only create something similar doing the moves he would do in FM8. but the scary monsters growls are literally a holy grail and people are STILL working in small community pockets to figure out how it was done, 14 years after the album came out.
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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 11 months ago
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I've started to write a couple of posts about more substantive things in the Robins/James radio show I've been listening to, posts that talk about the actual quality of the content and the comedy, but I can't think of how to say what I want to in those, so in the mean time, I'd like to instead make a post about this thing John Robins tends to do that keeps me awake at night. It's not important or relevant to the comedy, really. But it does stick in my brain and I'd like to get rid of it, please.
Okay, a big part of John Robins' "thing" as a comedian is talking candidly about shame and regret and generally feeling like an idiot, in ways that range from lighthearted to harrowing. He can be very relatable in talking about feeling ridiculous amounts of guilt over things that objectively weren't all that bad, but you look back at yourself after and wonder what the fuck you were thinking, especially if you happen to be a person who finds things scary when you're sober but who also likes to get drunk a lot and when you're drunk these things seem less scary (and by "these things" I don't mean, like, drunk driving, I mean like talking to someone you don't know well) and then you get sober and look at what you did and absolutely hate yourself for it. The previous sentence would have worked fine if written in the first or the third person so I split the difference and went with second, it's fine, I'm not projecting too hard on to someone's comedy material or anything.
So John Robins can get harrowingly relatable in stories like that, carefully written ones woven into his polished award-winning stand-up hours, and that's great. But every once in a while, on his radio show, he'll drop in a story on the subject that hasn't been carefully polished or planned, it's not stand-up material, it's just sort of casually mentioned and somehow the casual nature of telling it makes it even worse. Forget Peep Show or The Office or Partridge or whatever other cringe comedy is out there - I have never cringed so fucking hard in second-hand horror as when John Robins drops some little story of a time he got drunk and talked too much and too sincerely about something that's way too emotionally important to him to someone whose response is anywhere from vaguely baffled to actively put off by his enthusiasm.
I mean, the first one was rough, but Jesus Christ, that second story. How the fuck do you sleep at night? If I did that I'd never sleep again, it would keep me awake every day forever. At least now, while I am lying awake at night feeling like an idiot for every time I have expressed too much of my disproportionate enthusiasm to people, I can tell myself, at least I didn't email it to any comedians I'm a fan of (I mean I mostly haven't, one time I said something to Mark Watson in a Twitter message when he'd solicited Twitter messages about his mailing address, and I used Twitter for the first time ever to send the requisite mailing address information but I also used the opportunity to add a couple of sentences about how amazing a comedian I thought he was right from the beginning of his career, I then could not look at the website Twitter or at myself in the mirror for about a year, there's also the time I met Josie Long and the time I met Grace Petrie and both times I was genuinely incoherent, but so incoherent that it almost worked in my favour, I probably said something embarrassing but luckily I don't think I of them understood most of what I was saying, aside from getting that I was very excited to meet them, oh also there was the time I emailed Stuart Goldsmith and then I couldn't listen to the Comedian's Comedian podcast for months because it would remind me of what I'd done).
And they're little things, mostly, the stories in those Robins clips. Not as important as the ones that become his stand-up stories. More everyday, but that might be what makes them worse, the way horror hits harder if you can inject it into the mundane. Jesus. We all do this, right? Try to keep a lid on how disproportionately deeply things emotionally affect us and hate ourselves for it every time we lift that lid, especially if there was alcohol involved? Relatable comedy. Comedy-horror.
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punkscowardschampions · 4 years ago
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Jac & Jesse
Jac: [some gossip about him that could either be a bit true or totally hilariously not] Jac: when were you gonna tell me, like? Jesse: 👎 Jac: That's what you would say now you've been found out Jac: I 👀 Jesse: not to you Jac: Hmm Jac: I look forward to getting the actual info to spread about then Jesse: you'll have a long wait, dickhead Jesse: be gone by then Jac: Where are you going? Jesse: be quicker to ✔ off where I ain't Jesse: fully booked, me Jac: No one likes a show-off 🙄😏 Jac: how busy are you now? Jesse: busy with a ☕ Jesse: you alright? Jac: Yeah, I'm good Jac: I'm just getting ready for when I go on my own one-stop tour Jac: so when you've got a minute between ☕s maybe we can talk Jesse: go on Jac: You sure? Jac: not trying to be that customer that can't take a hint Jesse: you heard Jesse: don't need to be the customer pissing about when I'm trying to close up Jesse: you're fine to crack on Jac: alright, understood Jac: I won't nurse my ☕ and order a 2nd with five minutes to go Jac: I don't know how to start what I wanna say, helpful, I know Jesse: I ain't put a ⏲ on Jesse: take a bit if you need Jac: I mean, you put me on the 🕔 a bit but I'll just ignore you when you put up the chairs around me 💁 Jac: There's a lot of stuff I don't wanna leave left unsaid Jac: well, a lot of me does wanna leave it and I know a lot of you probably ain't gonna thank me for it either but I don't think I SHOULD leave some of it, the way it has been Jesse: alright Jac: fuck's sake Jac: okay, do you want the apology, the thanks, or the reasons Jac: because I can do them all but you know, pick your fave or least so we can get it out of the way, I don't know Jesse: can you even have a sorry or thanks without the why bit? Jesse: if I dunno what you're sorry for or saying tah for, not getting very far, like Jac: since you've not actually got me a drink, you've got some idea Jac: but okay, I hear reasons loud and clear, no need to be so coy Jac: you know why I need to say thank you Jac: that's more apparent, and easier Jac: and I didn't just pick you because I had no one else, I still could've made mum do it all with me or nan Jac: I wouldn't have picked anyone else, anyway, which sucks for you but yeah, you stepped up and I wasn't appropriately grateful at the time, or close, so I'll say it now Jac: thanks Jesse: you weren't ready to tell her, I get that, that's why I did Jesse: and it weren't like I did it for a tah Jac: no, I know Jac: but I should still say it now, I wanna Jac: it was still shit, and is always gonna be a shit thing that happened to me but you took a bit of it on, and that counts Jesse: you can have one back, tah for not dying, that worried me for a bit there Jac: I still don't feel like I was ever that reckless, like, I know how that sounds, and obviously the baby was a wake-up call that it had gone TOO far, even for my standards Jac: but under normal circumstances, I would've protected you from that, cared to and I didn't, so that's a sorry too Jesse: it was shit scary, the baby bit especially, but that's why I weren't gonna just leave you to it Jac: I thought I had a handle on the rest, but yeah, I should probably let that idea go since what does that matter given what happened Jac: you could've, and I wanted you to, so sorry/thanks again Jac: that's the least eloquent way I can put it Jesse: if it makes it less of a headfuck for you, reckoning that you had it sorted, you can have it Jesse: I don't mind Jesse: but you ain't ever getting me turning my back however much you want it Jac: I don't know, I was doing reckless, destructive things, but I never thought I was going to die Jac: accidents happen though, so, maybe I can accept now that I was tempting shit back then Jac: I don't want it now, and I did want that less as the year went on Jac: but I'm aware it's shit I ever did, that that must've been, well Jesse: what happened to Is was proper raw for all of us back then, probably put me on edge about you more than it would've done Jac: Yeah Jac: it was so right after, I know that's what mum and dad thought Jesse: we've all thought all kinds of shit Jesse: Jude's said loads of it to me before now, like I can give her an answer ✔ or ❌ Jac: and I deserve to live with the consequences of just letting you all speculate Jac: I really know that, and I'm gonna talk to everyone and you can all say or not say whatever you want to me, it's all fair Jesse: we've all lived Jac: that don't mean it's alright Jac: or I ever reckoned it was Jac: I knew it weren't Jac: and again, that makes it less okay Jesse: you weren't alright, none of us were big enough dickheads not to work that out, even her Jac: Obviously Jac: but the point is, you can hold me accountable now and it won't be a waste of time, you know Jesse: you've been a prick, me an' all loads of times, we both will be again in a bit Jac: it's a bit more than that Jac: come on, don't insult me like you reckon I was like that before Jesse: yeah Jesse: but I ain't gonna bother to hold it against you til you actually do 💀 Jac: that's weird Jac: leave your grudges 'til the grave Jesse: I mean I ain't bothering with any grudges Jac: Alright, hippie Jac: are you graciously accepting my apology and gratitude then or what? Jesse: I'll take it Jac: okay Jac: anything you wanna say? Jac: not last words or anything but if you can before you 💀 I'd appreciate it Jesse: you gonna say why then or what? Jac: It isn't as if it's just the one thing Jac: and now that I have to say, there's the fear that you're all gonna say it wasn't a good enough excuse and that's why I didn't say anything in the first place so Jac: let me work up to it Jesse: just call me a massive twat Jac: No, like, it was a lot Jac: and for what Jac: but it was logical at the time, and what I felt I had to do, whether that seems warranted or nah Jesse: I ain't gonna say you weren't 💔 enough for what you did Jesse: nowt to do with me Jac: You might not Jac: you might think it Jac: but I'm not gonna concoct some lie that makes it all seem worthwhile, can't be that bitch Jac: fake sob story Jesse: unless you're a 🧠📖 that don't matter Jac: I'm not used to gossip rags lying or chatting shit on me Jac: I don't wanna imagine that you think the worst of me, tah Jesse: you already have done Jesse: it weren't just us imagining all sorts, come on Jac: I really, on the whole, wasn't thinking about anyone else Jac: not to brag about it Jac: none of you anyway, it wasn't like I HAD to do that, but it also wasn't a choice, being that cunt, shutting you all out Jac: my 🧠 wouldn't Jesse: not offering you a 🏆 or owt Jesse: you've sorted your head out a bit now, if you wanna tell us Jac: I don't but like, I don't want you all thinking the worse now, when that doesn't need to be a thing Jac: We can't have mum and dad thinking I'm gonna go live some trainspotting fantasies in Edinburgh Jac: 'cos I can't have them making trips over all the time, obviously Jac: also, don't wanna bore you with every in and out, so hold on whilst I storyboard my fucking drama here Jesse: would be a pisstake Jac: It all started when Amelia stopped being friends with us Jac: I don't know if she told you fuck all, as you're such pals these days, but it wasn't just like, a natural drifting apart Jesse: it was 'cause she was in love with you Jesse: dunno if you knew that an' all Jac: yeah Jac: that was it Jac: there was a relatively big declaration and like, I wasn't a dick about it, I don't think Jac: but I didn't feel the same like that so that was enough Jesse: it would be, yeah Jac: so like, she was gone but obviously not I still saw her all the fucking time 'cos there's no escaping anyone in this town, and that was just awkward at first Jesse: obviously Jac: and it did kind of piss me off, that she seriously couldn't be my friend still Jac: but it wasn't all about that, there was the Savannah element of it for us both Jesse: 'course Jac: She was jealous of her, didn't like her, all that Jac: and I cared less, because I did have her Jac: and then the Isabelle thing happened Jac: and it all really got fucked up Jesse: she was proper gone Jac: who was? Jesse: Savannah Jac: Right Jac: but before that Jac: the guy Jac: with Isabelle Jac: we didn't know Jac: but we knew he was like, well we thought he was gross, a bit cringe Jac: so me and Sav set her up Jac: people weren't wrong blaming us, even though they got the situation wrong and they didn't know that, it was just between us Jac: that's why we ran away, and a big part of why she HAD to leave, even if her dad wasn't the most controlling person ever Jesse: what did you reckon would happen? with this lad and Is? Jac: just that...I don't even know now Jac: that she'd make out with him and we could take the piss out of her for it Jac: or he'd try it on and that would be funny because he was so gross Jac: not that he wouldn't take no for an answer, that was never what either of us had imagined Jac: but we still aided that situation, even if unknowingly Jesse: no shit you didn't imagine that Jac: fact was and is, if we weren't such shit friends to her Jac: he was still at the party, still could've Jac: but it might not have been her Jesse: I could have a go at you about how you should've been a more decent mate but it's nowt you don't already know Jac: Yeah Jac: feel free to but obviously that's a huge part of what I've been thinking on these past two years so, you don't have to, like Jac: and then, like you said, Sav left Jac: and I couldn't be friends with Isabelle and I couldn't be friends with Amelia and that was that Jesse: you could've said something to me Jac: I've only just been able to Jac: for ages, it was easier to keep blaming her, or say it would've happened anyway Jac: it was raw Jac: everyone was in shock, and I didn't wanna give a basis for the shit people were saying Jac: god knows how it would've been Jesse: alright Jesse: it was fucking bad enough, I remember Jesse: the bollocks people were saying Jac: not that I had to come out and make an announcement, but even if I'd tried to explain to Is, to apologize, she'd tell her new friends and then everyone would know and I'd be as bad as him Jac: worse for the betrayal Jac: I didn't wanna hack that on my own Jesse: or she'd tell her ma and that'd be Jesse: fucking hell Jac: right Jac: she'd probably call the police or something like they can lock me up Jac: and she knew I was a bad friend, Is, I mean Jac: she'd known we all were to her for a while Jac: but I am gonna talk to her, before I go Jesse: 💡🥇 Jac: I know I'm not dying but it's the first fresh start I've had Jac: any of us, even if someone doesn't wanna forgive me, at least they know the score, if nothing else Jac: and I know I've said what I should Jesse: I'm chuffed for you, mate Jesse: don't reckon I could be 💔 and get into a top uni Jac: you could write a top hit though Jesse: don't sound like me Jesse: but I'd probably give it a go if I were Jac: that's all it's about ain't it ❤ & 💔 Jesse: depends Jac: I've never heard a top 40 about... Jac: idk, mowing the grass Jac: doing your taxes Jac: it ain't the mundane Jesse: I'll write one for you if you're gonna be 💔 about it Jac: I think I'll survive, tah Jac: rather not read the speculation about who broke your heart 🤢 Jesse: 🍻 Jesse: you gonna have a word with Sav an' all? Jac: She's arguably one of the only people I didn't really screw over Jac: she got to go to a better school and get a new, rich pretty boyfriend and not deal with that whole backlash Jac: though I'm sure she feels her guilt for it too Jesse: but there's shit you wanna say that you didn't get to Jesse: half arsed fresh start if you don't Jac: I did say it Jac: well, did Jac: she knows Jac: I don't think there's anything to be gained for her or for me from that one Jesse: 👍 Jac: Not got an actual checklist of people to get through but you know Jac: close enough Jesse: make dad a ☕ all it takes to get in his good books Jac: good books is a stretch but not being on his must-constantly-check-in-on list myself will do for now so yeah, fair shout Jesse: yeah if you're well enough to put the kettle on and make a brew you're well enough to do owt Jac: parenting 101 Jac: ✅ Jesse: 🥇🏆 Jac: not serving it to him in a 🏆 Jac: laying it on a bit thick, I reckon Jesse: 🤏 Jac: Well, we're good then? Jac: not to 🕔 or anything Jesse: yeah Jac: yeah yeah or yeah, I guess Jesse: we're good Jac: Good Jac: if I'm not on my repentance tour, might see you when you get home then Jesse: might do Jac: yes very 😎 Jesse: 🤠
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anxietysroomsupport · 4 years ago
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I'm feeling terrible rn. I want to scream that hey I'm trans, I'm not a girl. But I also cringe at the thought of my mom calling me by my name and idk why. And I want to just fucking finally come out and say it and tell her everything but that is the most terrifying thing I've ever thought about. She would accept me so why the hell is this so hard? I know that coming out is scary for anyone but still. I feel so disgusting and dysphoric rn (1/2)
(2/2) and my mind just keeps travelling back to stuff that makes me feel worse like when my friends told me nobody would or could ever love a trans person (which I know isnt true but still). It feels I tell someone I care about that I'm trans that I'm going to seem high maintenance. Everytime I bring up gender stuff to my mom about other people she makes me feel like that's what 'they' (bc I'm not referring to myself with her) are. That it's all too much and maybe it is too much idfk
(Sorry one more, this is a bunch of stuff mixed in one big rant in sorry (3/3)) (tw sh mention I think?) I just want to claw my skin off or have it just melt off into what I want it to be or for me to just not exist at all. I feel so disgusted with myself for no specific reason and I just want everything to stop or end or jsut discontinue. That probably doesnt make sense I'm sorry. I want everyone to knwo who I am but thinking about putting myself in a vulnerable area makes me nauseous and gross
Hi Anon,
If you have good reason to believe your mom would accept you, you’ve got a strong case to go ahead and come out.  Scream it if it feels right!  Some people wait until they know they’re ready without a doubt, but it sounds like staying closeted is putting a toll on your mental health.
It seems like “high-maintenance” gets thrown around a lot with lgbtq+ simple because there might be behaviors that aren’t the average/expected, and people have to get used to it.  But they’re actually not any more high-maintenance than any other behavior, just different.  
And so what if you do become high-maintenance; you’re allowed!  You get to put as much care into yourself as you want, and it really doesn’t matter if someone else thinks it’s over the top.
If your mom is accepting and loves you, that won’t change.  Sometimes people do get a little freaked out when it involves someone close to them, but all you want is for her to know you better.  Keep communicating and things will work out.
It’s normal to feel scared about the thing you want, because speaking it into existence makes it feel more permanent, and what if you need to change again and you’re not done learning about yourself?  That’s okay, too.  Deciding what you want to be called now doesn’t mean you can never change again in the future, and it’s a good step forward to feeling more comfortable in your own skin.
Staying closeted in this case could be causing you more harm than if you come out.  Being vulnerable is terrifying, but you don’t have to be out to everyone all at once.  Just tell one person at a time, and see how it feels.  Maybe start with your mom.  
What your friends said is horribly cruel.  Trans people absolutely can be loved, and are being loved all around the world at this very moment.  You can be you and still find love.  You can do this. 
-Remy, Miss Fay
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