#this is rly rambly and idk if it makes sense but I've been losing my mind over these boys

[lady-forest-1142]

cannot stop thinking about jean and neil being the same age, like hello narrative foils?? jean is neil if mary hadn't run away with him. riko's pet, given as appeasement to the moriyamas. neil is a traumatized individual but he still retained his sense of self (for the most part) because while mary was harsh the ultimate reasoning behind her actions was his safety and wellbeing. meanwhile, jean was in the hands of a person who did not care if he lived or died, and treated him as such. repressing his humanity was the only way for him to survive. neil could find moments of reprieve on the run, precious minutes of anonymity for him to catch his breath. there was nowhere for jean to run, nowhere for him to hide. his very identity (I am a moreau. I belong to the moriyamas.) was bound up in his torture. mary running away saved neil and condemned jean in the same breath.

and now here they both are, the same age, both relatively safe and secure for the first time in years, but they are in such different places. neil has found life, love and joy and companionship and the promise of a future, while jean is still merely trying to survive, pulling himself together each day and always on the brink of collapse. neil may still be wounded but he knows who he is, knows what he wants - this was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and neil was never letting go - but jean still doesn't know any of that, is trying to build a new identity for himself out of the scraps of his old life, and they have seen so many of the same things but from such different perspectives and both of them are irrevocably changed from it but in such different ways.

[wooahaes]

junghwan and doyoung - the boys have been calling them rivals recently so like - AH love triangle

god i need to catch up on trsr content ive been so out of it lately ive missed a lot of it......

hmm... my thoughts are "openly affectionate doyoung" who's maybe your best friend and "soft, kinda clumsy junghwan who has a crush on you so soft + clumsy gets Worse around you" ? where it's obvious that both of them are crushing on you (doyoung for a long time, junghwan more recently) but ur just kinda painfully oblivious to all of it. other ppl see them kind of competing for ur attention and roll their eyes while ur just like haha no need to be aggressive i'm right here :) <3

idk might have a scene of doyoung being forward in saying tht he was your best friend first, not outwardly admitting that he likes you waaay more than that yet, but that he's not going to let junghwan steal tht title from him. its not rly an aggressive "stay away from them >:(" thing as much as it is "i've been in their life longer, i know them better, don't pretend you know them as well as i do" if tht makes sense. reader finding out would result in them getting a lil pissed bc junghwan is just a sweetie and maybe canceling plans w dobby to hang out w him instead bc he doesn't dictate who they're friends with/close to.

imo i'd probs end it with reader ending up w doyoung after some more talks and realizing tht they like him like tht. maybe doyoung realizing he overstepped and panics thinking he lost u, before confessing to your face he likes you Like That and maybe got too aggressive w junghwan as a result. idk maybe a ramble-y confession too mentioning he understands you don't feel the same but tht he doesn't want to lose your friendship etc etc

alternatively its reader ending up w someone else entirely. a secret third option if u will.

[symptoms-syndrome]

OC ramblings relevant to trauma/mental illness stuff. TW for talk of grooming and SA. A little graphic at the end? Not describing a traumatic event just the aftermath.

I have an OC very near and dear to my heart (though all my OCs are near and dear to my heart, this one is just special) that I project a lot of my worst self onto.

And I was talking with some friends about how he's kind of a dick and definitely a bad friend. Specifically, he's a dick in that he always ensures his own safety and well-being first, and is often unempathetic to others' distress. For example, if someone he knew was being groomed or had been sexually assaulted, he would consider that "none of his business" and assume they can work themselves out. Either they work themselves out and it's fine, or they don't and he couldn't have done anything anyway.

And like, there's some small part of me that still reacts like that. I'm just sort of naturally a low empathy person, very logical. I got myself out of a bad place so others can too sort of vibe, the bootstrappy attitude I mentioned in that post about not being soft. Ofc I recognize, logically, that's not really how it works. There's other factors in other people's lives that I'm not aware of. And most of the time I can be uhhh what's the word. For fake empathy but real feelings of wanting to help etc. That sort of thing. I do care even if I don't feel the thing. I care about my friends and stuff.

Anyway I guess it was mostly on my mind because. I passively mentioned a few of the Bad Things that have happened to me during sex work very off the cuff to my drag mom bc I was rly drunk tonight. Like they don't upset me rly, not to talk about. Just like. Yeah that happened and I did what I had to do and I got through it whatever. And he said that sounded scary and I didn't really know what to say. Because it probably was, in the moment (I don't remember the moments) but it isn't now. And I guess it got me thinking like. This isn't normal. It's not just death and taxes. I guess I just. Legitimately do consider sexual assault to be just a thing that happens to most people. Some people get real fucked up and traumatized by it and some people just. IDK have it happen. It does not occur to me that there are people who never have been and never will be assaulted. That's very much this OC's outlook too. It just happens. It sucks but you get through it. Life goes on. Sometimes you get splinters and sometimes you scrape your knees and sometimes you stub your toe in the middle of the night and sometimes people touch you when you don't want them to and sometimes they do it by force. I guess I'm just. Really numb to it.

And I guess I know I'm not supposed to be numb to it. The most recent assault that I remember I remember feeling really unaffected and mostly being bothered by not feeling anything about it. I tried to make myself cry in the shower but just kinda stood there getting wet and then got out and went to bed and went to work the next day and I don't think I've ever brought it up again until now. I remember I told my friends and they were concerned about me and I wished they had something to like. Care for. Like I wanted to have something that they felt they could help with but there just wasn't really anything there, because it sucked but it sucked like how dropping your toast sucks or losing the last puzzle piece sucks and nothing more.

And I think. That makes a lot of things make sense in a way? Why I'm so different. Of course there's a lot of things that make me different. But one of the big ones is that other people haven't had to "just get through it" as much as I have. Other people haven't been forced to do things they don't want to do as often or as severely. So like. I'm already so familiar with milder discomforts that they don't bother me. I have generally lower standards for what I'm willing to put myself through. Is that considered dignity? I don't really know. I just know that accomplishing a goal makes almost any suffering bearable. I'm willing to put myself through a lot to get to something that's important to me. I'll work myself to the bone. That's probably not good, but I have yet to see problems arise. I'm higher accomplishing than a lot of my non traumatized peers purely because putting in what it takes is easier for me, comparatively to what I've already gone through. Like how my friends seem much more willing to quit jobs if they don't like them, and sometimes what they don't like feels SO minor. The idea of "I don't like doing [unpleasant task] so I won't do it" feels so foreign and insane to me. You just do things even though you don't like them because you have to. That's just how life works. Death and taxes and laundry over and over ad infinitum.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz