#this is rebloggable but so specific that i have no idea whether it will resonate with anyone else

[potholefullofsoup]

the amazing devil was right. maybe if i’m good he’ll come back (he’s not coming back) (he’s never coming back) (you had everything you wanted and you ruined it because that’s the only thing you know how to do) (you get mean when you’re nervous like a bad dog) (why the fuck would he come back?)

(you did so much. you tried so hard to be good but it wasn’t enough. it has never been enough. it will never be enough. you will never be enough) (you were doing better too. you’ve been clean for so long and you were trying to get off the weed to an extent or at least use it as less of a crutch)

(but what the fuck else are you going to do now? your house is large and empty and you cannot be alone with this when you can barely handle it with your partner next to you) (what happens when they leave for work? what happens when they leave forever? who are you without the people you love? are you anyone?) (maybe when everyone finally leaves and you stand alone bleeding in front of the mirror you’ll finally see what’s underneath it all: nothing and no one) (maybe you’re as empty as your shitty apartment feels without three people in it)

(feels like a fire in your skull and your throat and your heart. feels like your body is a building set ablaze with the doors chained shut. you cannot ever escape yourself, no matter how hard you try. never forget that fact.) (the angriest dog in the world cannot move or eat or sleep as they approach the state of rigor mortis.) (feels like the wallpaper inside my heart is slowly slowly peeling off) (if i’m good will you come back?)