#this is not even everything in my inbox btw. y'all are showering me in takes

[gideonisms]

a selection of asks from my inbox rn. I have an essay question quiz due in an hour and a half so you all may peruse these questionable casting decisions at your leisure, just know all scarlett johannson asks are another point toward the bad ending tamsyn herself once mentioned in which you marry a demon

[tawus]

Happy Birthday to Zaddy Toji Fushiguro here are 150 towards devoted to him~<3

on the bed, on the couch, on the kitchen counter, on the table, on the floor, on the balcony, in the shower, in front of the mirror, semi-public, DA BEACH~, melons, front, back, sideways, legs open, shouting, tight, wet, bondage, gagging, lingerie, a man and his stick, doggy style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, moaning, hair pulling, scratch marks, hickeys, loud loud, noise complaint, sheets gripping, jaw-dropping, tongue rolling, Twinkie, creamy, gushy, lip locking, pounding, vile, vulgar, name calling, oral, anal, 69, call the ambulance for me, legs tangled, bed soaked, bed dead, chair, chair dead, blow job, mind-blowing, make-outs, hickeys, an absolute beast, salty taste, 10 inches, 3 veins, bulge, woops~ my panties slipped~, whole cake ass bakery, biting, marking, claiming, single parent?, Megumi's half-sibling?, half-siblings?, daddy gonna get milk, your friends don't know what you taste like but I do~, Alexa be a darling and play Fantasize by Ariana Grande.

Oh! And water! LOTS of water

This is the oldest ask in my inbox and it’s about 4 months old 😅 Mokona ayo, you wrote it like you're ready to risk everything, including your happy marriage with Gojo, for a frisky night with Toji 👀 These are mad fertile grounds for Toji scenarios btw, so if y'all vote for one of these, I'll put out a lil drabble on the most voted topic 😌

Toji’s birthday is on 31st December apparently btw, which I consider to be yet another cruel joke by Gege 💀

As for myself, I wanted to write a scene from my Toji longfic idea as a response to this ask. In the conception of the fic idea, I often lamented (and still do) how reduced, sexualised, and simplified Toji is in 99% ‘Toji x Reader’ fics. But then it occurred to me that the goddamn scene I’d chosen to write for him and release to the world first – was chock full of sexual content as well. I was doing the exact same thing that I was trying to address in the Toji/Reader fandom…

I realised it doesn’t always have to be sex with him. So here’s some wholesome beachtime fluff with Toji 💕

Face to face with him at last. Just you and him. Like he’d always promised you.

At long last you could take in the calm stillness of his Zenin features, not strained by his resentment of the lineage, not squeezed by his rage with its present members.

His wide forehead was as smooth as sea. His onyx bangs oscillated like pirate sails over his fanning black lashes – ever a rebel. Even like this, with you. Even as his lips parted, guardless at last against you, not scowling and not pressed in his fury with his clan, ready to finally accept your seal. The dagger-shaped scar at their edge – his unique signature to every kiss he ever gave you, the subtle ridge of which you’d always licked before engulfing him in your love, the ridge you could never ignore — for it was Toji, his history, his mouth.

Even as his broad chest lay bare for you to hug, to embrace, to compress with your heart, to press your happy tears against…it wasn’t really the same.

In this sunlight embalming the beach, Toji finally didn’t push you away. He accepted you. He didn’t tense.

You hugged him tightly like you’d always wanted, while red streaked down the corner of his mouth like dry saffron and his emerald greens glowed emptily toward the fading sky.

The sky that was calm. The beach calm. The sea – calm. Toji – so calm.

Too.

Too calm.

Calmness attained only by one state.

Death.

[sunnyville36]

RAY MY FRIEND THIS IS YOUR TOUR DE FORCE OMG. I know you're still very early in your writing career haha, but seriously - Terminal Velocity is a masterpiece ❤️❤️❤️ I've seen firsthand (all the love for being such a good Tumblr buddy, btw 🤗) how much love and passion and effort (and Blood, Sweat and Tears hehe) you've poured into TV, and I'm so proud and happy for you that it is out!!! It's insane to think about lol, but we started talking about what would become TV all the way back in July...and here we are in October!! Time flies, life flies by - so thank you for sharing something that you've put energy towards for so long with us like this 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

In terms of TV itself - I don't think I'm good enough at expressing my thoughts/feelings to do it justice lol. I genuinely don't think I've ever read through 40k words that fast ever before - but your pacing, your storyboarding, your flow, everything made this an absolute pleasure to read 💕I think your summary sums it up well haha - it's like the perfect balance of fluff and crack and smut and angst and sheer self-indulgence to make it such a warm, cozy fic to curl up with and read in bed haha (and then in the process get super turned on by cause GIRL those smut scenes JESUS 🥵🥵). I don't think I'd be exaggerating to say that literally everyone of us English-speaking Stays has a soft corner for Chan - for doing his best to make us feel included, to get our sense of humor, and to take care of us in a way (something that you touch on so well); this fic just brings out those aspects of him so well that it's 100% going to become a guilty pleasure fic for people, I can SO see it!!

Anyways, just wanted to briefly slide into your inbox to send you some love. Thank you for being so awesome of a writer and such a sweet person to interact with. I hope you get the chance to rest on your laurels for a bit, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you continue to flourish and grow as a writer in the future! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 - Ava

Ava you absolute angel I can't handle these compliments 🙈🥺🥰

I can't believe we've been talking about this story for so long... I can't even believe Noeasy came out almost 2 months ago already and this is like twice that!! Time is flying by for sure.

I am so lucky, like so sooo lucky, that we started our writing journeys around the same time and found each other to talk to!! You are so supportive, kind, helpful, creative, and talented and I'm so grateful to have had you to talk to throughout this process. As you know, it was a very personal project for me, but even though I put in a lot of work, the ones who should be thanked are all the wonderful readers and friends like you who make sharing my writing so fun and fulfilling!

It is the highest honor to think that Terminal Velocity could be a comfort fic for some people or something they would come back to read again; thank you so sooo much I don't have any words to describe how much that means to me ❤️ You are so right about Chan and I could have only hoped to convey everything that you mentioned so I hope I did in some way at least a little. We must shower our Channie boy with all the love and support!

Y'all definitely got a glimpse into how my brain works in this one, and it is entirely accurate to say it is 49% memes, 49% Chan (fluff, angst, and smut included), and 2% everything else 😂

I can't wait to keep writing and to be able to keep reading all the wonderful work you and the other writers in this community create! Thank you for your support and friendship Ava 💕💕

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤