#this is exactly them im sobbing so hard rn you don't understand

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

auuuu..... tgcf quotes but its xavier/mc......

对一些人来说，某人存在于这世上，本身就是希望。 To some, the very existence of a certain person in this world is in itself, hope.

如果你的梦想，是拯救苍生，那我的梦想，便唯你一人。 If your dream is to save the common people, then, my dream, is only you.

对我来说，风光无限的是你，跌落尘埃的也是你。重点是 ‘你’，而不是 ‘怎样’ 的你。 To me, the one basking in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is you, and not the state of you.

[gaykey]

asher help I need to release some thoughts about the beach scene. the part where ayan says ‘you’re allowed to be weak. at least with me” to akk, I feel like that is something that maybe ayan wished he could have said to his uncle before he passed away. it looks like he is afraid all this stress and anxiety and pain the school is causing will get to akk as well. It makes ayan watching akk go through so much hurt even more painful. you can see when they are hugging as well that ayan does not want to let akk go (😭). I believe deep in his heart ayan knows akk probably doesn’t have the notebook, but I also understand that he really doesn’t want to be alone right now and despite maybe not fully trusting him, akk is the only person rn who he can find comfort with. im so emo they really are just two broken boys and i hope they can be there for each other and stick together through all the hardships. now I need to go into recovery for 3 ~ 5 business days after this ep (and also rewatch the kissing scene 100 times) because holy shit this episode was a LOT.

chan helloooo, yes exactly!

all throughout that scene, i was thinking that ayan is terrified of seeing what happened to his uncle happen to akk.

he's scared akk is at breaking point, and he can't stand by and watch as the school destroys someone else.

that's why he's crying, that's why he's so adamant, borderline aggressive with trying to get akk to listen to him. he knows that the school takes you apart bit by bit and diminishes you, and makes you feel guilty, and wrong. he's trying sooo hard to get akk to snap out of that headspace because it's literally life or death.

and god, it just shows how fucked up what chadok is doing to the prefects is. it's instilled across the whole school, but drilled into those thatvare prefects. he molds these kids, and makes them feel like the school, and what it represents, and it's rules, is the be all and end all, and the only part of them that's worth anything. so, if they stand by, and don't so something to stop the threat to that way of life, they're nothing. he's literally brainwashing these vulnerable teenagers.

i wouldn't be surprised if something awful happned to mes after rhe graduated.

and yeaaah, ayan definitely knows akk doesn't have the notebook. it was a ploy to stay close to him. for himself as much as akk.they've both had an emotional night, and they're the only ones the other can turn to right now.

they need each other.

god, when they start fully leaning on and relying on and helping each other heal????????! i'm going to cry & sob.

yep, i will be coping with this ep for the foreseeable future and i have akready rewatched the beach scene and kiss scene several times 😭😭😭😂😂😂😂

[iuwon]

hello lina!!

🎐anon here,, i'm sorry it took me like a week to reply back..., i had exams this week and i tend to stay off my socmeds during exam week not because i want to focus on studying, no, no, absolutely not but because exams literally suck the soul out of me and i have no energy left to even open my socmeds or indulge in anything 😭, i literally take a 2 hour nap every time i finish one exam paper. so yeah... tough week and i'm glad its over. i have another big exam period starting on nov 16th so i'll have to study hard for that but, guess its freedom for now. anyways!! sorry i ranted too much. first thing i saw when i opened tumblr tonight was your pda hc post and omg 💘💘💘 , you literally never disappoint ?? i love it... especially jake's.... 'that's my girl' bruvv butterflies in my stomach. it's so rewarding to read your writings first thing after exams are over and i can finally open tumblr ㅠㅠ. oh and for the kpop groups i stan question,, i have 2 groups i ult rn which are aespa and enhypen!! i use to ult nct though back in 2018-2020 and i still keep up with them a little. i want to write down a lot more but i think i already said too much hahaha so i'll stop here. and please tell me about your week too 🥺. i want to listen and read about how it went or just little, memorable things that made you happy this week cause yk, i admire you and i want to understand you more

xoxo, 🎐

AHHH HI HI HI BB I REALLY MISSED YOU YOU'RE BACK. BRB SCREAMING

OKAY HOLD ON IM PUTTING A CUT BC THIS IS GONNA BE PRETTY LONG

AND NO NO IT'S ALL GOOD DON'T WORRY !!! priority is always important if not ppl end up like me 😻 I HOPE IT WENT WELL FINGERS CROSSED PRAYING ON MY KNEES THAT YOU GOT THE RESULTS YOU WANTED !! UGHHH tell me about it, exams are so mentally draining and exhausting just thinking about it makes me want to collapse. naps are always essential i live for sleep ✨ seriously i do nothing but fangirl, eat, sleep and study.

AHH NOV 16 THAT'S TOO SOON 😡 personally i need at least like,, 1-2 months of rest before another exam. FOR THE MEANTIME please rest well !!! sleep like a panda and eat like a panda 🤩 don't worry too much to prevent stress because you had it so rough oml :((( seeing how you turned off social media due to how drained you were just proved how much effort you placed into the exams 😼 but please please don't overexert yourself during the next batch of exams !!! i hate exams just for that reason only. make sure to never pressure or stress yourself with negativity no matter what scenario you're doing the best and that's all that matters !! 💞 NO FEEL FREE TO RANT ALL THAT YOU CAN

AGJWFEJFAJJWE OMG THE FACT THAT I WAS THE FIRST POST YOU SAW BACK ON TUMBLR #*%#*$%* IT'S GIVING ME EMOTIONS I'M GONNA YELL. AWEJGJWSK THANK YOU FOR READING AND ENJOYING THE HC WTF YOU'RE SO SWEET ????????? SERIOUSLY WHEN I READ THIS I STARTED SCREAMING AND JUMPING ON MY BED 💀💀

literally reading this is so rewarding like HELP you now and forever will hold the ability to say things that i can't stop thinking about 😭😭 AND OHHH AESPA AND ENHA !!! aespa along w bp and itzy are the gg i stan 😌😌 i used to stan nct too !!! but i somehow got pretty busy so i rarely just watch their videos 😭 i think enha and bts are the only groups that i'm up to date w/ but even so i'm still behind with their updates 💀 AND NOO ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO WRITE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO !!! i really love receiving asks and hearing from you, like honestly, it's so hard to explain 😭

"admire" SQUEAL CRYING EATING WALLS ROLLING SOBBING SCREAMING YELLING HOLLERING WHIMPERING HEART BLEEDING. NO BC THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL W YOU, YOU'RE LITERALLY JUST SO 10000000000% ?@#%?@!???INHALES. EXHALES. one day i will lose my sanity

BUT PLACING SCHOOL ASIDE I HAD A 4 DAY BREAK !! it's just about to end and school is starting tomorrow 🥀 i watched k-dramas w/ my mom, had late-night snacks (i love love love having late-night snacks/noodles it tastes so much better at night), and cooked breakfast for my family for 4 days (not really fun since i had to wake up earlier but at least i can cook) !!! it was so so fun :))

i'm going to the hospital tomorrow though !! our country doesn't allow vaccinations on minors so my doctor is issuing some special treatment to get me one on Friday !! i think i'm getting the faiser (is that how it's spelled HELP) or the moderna one and i'm pretty nervous bc i heard those are pretty painful (I HATE VACCINATIONS i am forever a kid at heart). i have online classes tomorrow so my mom is telling my to bring my phone instead to listen to my classes (a 100% fail but i can't argue against my asian mom). OHHH ALSO i was away from my gadgets the whole 4 days I JUST CAME BACK AND I SAW THE BTS SEASONS GREETINGS 2022 AJFEJGJAWSFJWEJ JIKOOK HELLO ?????????????????????????????? ,,,,, waIT hold on do you stan bts ?? I'M SO SORRY IF I'M JUST SPOUTING OUT NONSENSE <//3 but hmmm other than school i don't really have much going on 😭 currently going to study for my statistics quiz even though it's a rest day today 😡 ANYWHO HOW ARE YOU DOING THOUGH ??? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO WITH YOUR REST ??? OR HALLOWEEN ???

[acupofmatt-blog1]

I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore → MARA :(

Tagging→ @acupofmatt @acuplara

Location→ Lara and Evie’s apartment

Date→ February 16, 2019

Summary→ Lara comes back into Matt’s life with a simple text. Old Matt might’ve replied, but Matt’s different now, so she goes to Lara and Evie’s apartment to confront Matt. Turns out, Lara’s a little different now, too.

NOTE: This is painful as fuck

LARA

i just wanna let you know im back in the city and im sorry for the shits i did to you before ok? i know we aint gonna be chill rn but thats ok i can handle it. i just want you to know im sorry and everything. i hope youre good n shit Shrugging her shoulders, Lara hit 'send' on her phone before tossing it onto her bed. She knew that her being back in the city after months was going to cause some waves with a few people, but she did not have it in her to care. Her fingers gripped the zipper of her suitcase, unzipping it before she began the journey of unpacking her clothes. Her time away with family that she hadn't really met before had been humbling. She was under the watchful eye of her father for most of the time, which meant she was hardly under cause to misbehave like she normally would have outside of the US borderlines. Now that she was back? That was a different story. However, she wasn't an idiot. She knew that her biggest problem was going to be with Matt, and for good reason. Whenever Lara had left, she knew that she had ended things horribly with the girl. She was scared and quite frankly, her sudden departure to Singapore with her father was something that sat wrong with her for a while. It was wrong. It was mean. It wasn't her. As time passed though, Lara realized it was probably for the best. Matt deserved better than someone that was going to flake because things were growing serious. Shaking her head, Lara gripped her emptied suitcase before she was exiting her room to store it in one of the hallway closets. Her roommates weren't going to be home for a while, and it was more than a good enough time to spend some quality time with the joint located in her pocket.

MATT

Matt was on cloud 9. Things were looking up for her. Reagan decided to give them a chance. They weren't official or anything, but Matt was committed to making them work. She wanted this. A new start. Whatever past mistakes she made in other relationships, Matt was not going to bring to this new, potential one. No lies, no leading on, no hot and cold, no communication, no walls--no. Matt was still the same, but emotionally? She grew the fuck up. It took her a while. A long, long while, but Matt liked where she was. After Lara left, the first few weeks, Matt didn't sleep with anyone. Because Lara was going to come back. It was a test. And Matt wasn't going to mess up this time. But then? Weeks turned to month, then months. And Matt knew she wasn't coming back. So she slept around. A lot. Way too much. Matt held it the fuck in. Until she couldn't--because Matt wasn't that girl anymore. Matt allowed herself to feel. So then she laid it on the table: Lara left her. Lara wasn't coming back. That's when Matt cried to herself for a while. Until she got over it. It helped not seeing Lara. It made it easier to forget how she felt. And then things changed. Matt met Reagan and there went Matt again--putting up walls. But she couldn't. Matt was different now. She couldn't put up walls to Reagan. Things got complicated, but now they were here. Getting somewhere. Matt could really see things looking up for her. Then her phoned chimed.

Matt expected it to be Reagan. They had been texting since Matt got home. But no. It was Lara. Matt dropped her phone when she saw the text. What the fuck. Matt's first thought was to run away. Hop a flight to Chicago and never hear from anyone ever again, but Matt wasn't a little bitch. She was going to deal with this. Once Matt read the message, Matt realized she wasn't a little bitch--she was a BIG bitch. And she was pissed. Three months. Nearly four. And this is all she gets from Lara. The months of pain, of crying herself to sleep, of waiting, of longing, of anger...and all she gets is "sorry for the shits i did to you?” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked aloud with a bitter laugh. “Fucking unbelievable.” Matt could leave it on read and move on. But no. Lara couldn’t even say what she was sorry about. Was she even sorry? Sorry that she left? Matt said it was for “understandable reasons” that Lara left but what was the reason? Matt did EVERYTHING right. Matt owned up to her mistakes and worked HARD to fix them. Lara just leaving was not an “understandable reason.” And Matt needed Lara to know that.(edited)

So Matt grabbed her phone and bag and headed to Lara and Evie’s apartment. Matt hadn’t been here in months. It felt like a distant memory. A memory she could barely remember. Matt scoffed. Fuck the sentimental bullshit, Matt was pissed. Matt immediately knocked on the door and as soon as it opened, Matt’s breath hitched when she saw it was Lara. Lara. Her firefly. Her Lara baby. The girl Matt was a little fool for. The girl Matt was in love with. The girl Matt called her fucking fresh start. The girl that left her. Twice. The girl that broke her heart. The girl that almost made her quit on love. Matt composed herself and looked straight at Lara. “Sorry for the shits I did to you? Do you fucking call that an apology? We need to fucking talk. Because I do that now. Not that you’d know anything about it.” Matt pushed past Lara and stepped inside. Matt had balls when she needed them.

LARA

As Lara lit the joint in between her fingers, she managed to walk around her apartment. She needed to get reacquainted with everything, and the best time to do that was whenever Evie wasn't home. Truth be told, she had been home for almost 24 hours, and most of that 24 hours had been spent with all the talks and conversations and catching up's between her and her best friend. She was out of the apartment now, so Lara was having some alone time. She puffed on her joint as she made her way into the kitchen, living room, and landed back in her bedroom. God, it was almost pathetic the amount of memories that were located in such a room. So many fights and make ups and happy memories lay within the four walls and honestly, it was suffocating. She felt bad for the way she had left things with so many people, and quite frankly, she was happy to be back. She was better. She was braver. She was... apparently expecting company. At the sound of the knocking on her door, Lara put her joint out, leaving it laying haphazardly in the ashtray on her desk. She would revisit that little buddy later on. "Coming," Lara shouted, unsure of what was going to meet her. Either Evie had forgotten her key, there was some strange surprise Postmates driver for her, or someone had gotten word of her being back. Or... "Um..." Lara mumbled as she opened the door, immediately hit with the fiery words of the one and only, Matt Solis. She hadn't expected her to show up at her door. Maybe she wasn't as brave as she thought she had become.

"I admit the delivery could have been better," Lara started as she sighed out her words, pushing the door to a close before resting her forehead against the material as she waited. She hadn't prepared for this, and quite frankly, the slight buzz that her smoking had caused was clouding her judgment. "I... do you want to start or should... I?" She paused momentarily as she turned around, meeting the eyes of her ex... girlfriend? Things had been murky on what they were before she had left but god, they had been something beautiful. "You look.... pissed, look I'm sorry, Matt. I don't know what else you want me to say here." Her words flowed quickly out of her lips as she stared at the girl before her, knowing that she was the one in the wrong here.

MATT

God, Matt both wanted Lara to shut the fuck up because the shit coming out of her mouth was aggravating her, but she also wanted her to say MORE than whatever bullshit she came up out with. "I am pissed. I'm pissed about a lot of things, actually. You know, I thought seeing you again I'd be this big, stupid ass fool running to your arms again, but ha, you got me fucked up. I'm angry. I'm upset. You..." Matt shook her head. "I don't want your apology, Lara." Matt looked at Lara. "I want you to say to my face exactly what you did. Say that you left. Say that you fucking walked away. Say that you're a fucking hypocrite. Say you're just as bad as I was for just. saying. words." Matt felt her eyes well up because God this was a lot happening right now. "And fucking say you're a coward. A big fucking coward who couldn't even talk to me, but fuck yeah...you could fuck me, right? You fucking ate your words, Lara. I was just another body to you, in the end." Matt shook her head. "So go. Own up to your shit. Because I'm not leaving until you say something." Matt wanted to scream, if she was being honest. Matt wanted to break down in tears and just sob because why would Lara show up now? When things were getting so good for Matt? When Matt was finally becoming better? "You have a lot of fucking nerve sending me a simple text like that when you did more than that. You...let me tell you how I felt. I felt like shit. I felt abandoned. You didn't even--you couldn't even--" Matt felt her lower lip tremble and Matt forced herself to hold it together. "I felt like it was my fault and that I did something to mess it up since most of the time, it was always blamed on me. That I wasn't ready. That I was the one that put up walls. That I was the asshole who couldn't give such an amazing girl a chance....so tell me."

LARA

The more that Matt spoke, the more that Lara felt her defenses crumbling. She knew that she was the one in the wrong between the two of them, but knowing and admitting were two very different things. However, Matt was right. Matt was right about every single thing that she was saying, and Lara knew that. "Matt," Lara started before she was raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. She really wished that she hadn't smoked before Matt had showed up at her apartment. Things were far too hazy for her to genuinely discuss and paint a picture of how she was feeling about things. "Can I just... can you just give me... a second? One fucking second." Her voice was short and curt, knowing that she was more aggravated with herself than absolutely anything that Matt was saying. "I left. I walked away. I'm a fucking hypocrite. I'm a coward. I'm everything, okay? I saw a way out whenever it came to going to my cousins wedding with my dad and I went with it. Leaving was easier than dealing with... I don't know, trying? Trying to make things work whenever I was going to be a world away. I don't..." Lara paused for a second as she swallowed hard, looking down at her hands as she began fiddling with her fingers. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking whenever I left, but I just know that I am sorry for how I left things. You don't have to believe me for even a fucking second, but I just need you to know I am sorry. And I-I..." Another pause. Lara brought her hands up, running her fingers through her hair as she looked anywhere but at Matt. It was easier to ignore the rising feeling of panic if she wasn't looking at the girls tear filling eyes.

"I never want you feeling like shit or abandoned or... or any of that shit. I never wanted that but I just... I don't know. It's not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault because you were... you were perfect. You were doing everything possible to make me feel safe and secure and I ruined it. And I know I did that. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know... what happened in my head to think that it was fine leaving, but I did. And now we're here and I just..." Lara paused once more as she wet her lips, throwing her arms out at her sides before shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not asking for anything. I just... thought you should know directly from me that I was back. I didn't want you hearing from anyone else or seeing me out or... or I don't know. I'm sorry I sent just a text."

MATT

Matt closed her eyes as Lara spoke because she was trying not to glare at Lara. Granted, Matt wasn't being very chill at the moment--Matt was still working on the whole execution of talking about feelings. But she was trying--more than she could say about Lara who gave her yet another bullshit answer. Matt took a deep breath as she looked at Lara. "I felt it. And for a long time, I acted like I deserved it for the shit I put you through but I don't--I didn't. You know what I deserved? I deserved for you to talk to me. I deserved you to fucking tell me you couldn't do this. I deserved you to not be a fucking coward who runs away. That's what I deserved Lara." Matt took a good look at Lara. It was the same girl physically. Same Lara. But everything else? It felt like looking at a different person. Matt didn't know who this was. Her Lara? No. Not that Lara. It felt odd. It felt like talking to a stranger. And what a tragedy that was--to have so much history with a person and for it to go back to being strangers. "Don't call me that. Perfect. I'm not. I'm working on being better. I'm not perfect, but I was so ready to try to be better. For you. For me. For us. I had so many hopes and you broke them. You tore them up. I was ready to give up on love completely because I thought nothing could compare to you. Ever. You were it to me, is that what made you run away? Did it fucking scare you that someone wanted you so badly?" Matt felt tears running down her face. "Did it terrify you that someone changed for you? That someone loved you so fucking much that they were willing to do anything to have you. I was a god damn fool for you Lara, and you stepped all over it." Matt paused. Lara just ran away. Things got scary and she ran. Much like Matt back then. But it was more than that.

When Matt slept with Scout, Matt was compared to Lara's mom. That Matt was no better for leaving. And then when Matt physically left to Chicago after telling Lara she loved her, Matt was once again no fucking better than Lara's mom. Made her feel that same abandonment. Well, this time, Matt felt a lot like Lara did back then. And Lara? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the realization hit Matt like a pile of bricks. "Jesus..." Matt trailed off as she put her hands on her face and sniffled. "Lara..." Matt sighed. "You...you're..." Matt sighed again. Matt couldn't say it. How could she? It was a lot. It was heavy. It was the truth. And Matt didn't say just words anymore. And Lara had to hear this. Because this is how Matt felt. And Matt was still so god damn angry. “You’re still not admitting to anything. You’re just saying my words back to me. But when are you going to fucking admit that you’re exactly like your fucking mom?” Matt spit out. “You’re just like her. You leave…every time it gets hard. And you gave me so much shit for it when I did it. But you? You do the same thing! The moment things are great for us—that fucking…that terrifies you. So you leave. But you don’t fucking let me GO.” Matt let out a shaky breath. “You cling onto me, still, and then you come back and pull me back in and I fell for it every. damn. time. I’m done. I’m not going to be used anymore. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that fucking Matt. I’m not your fucking princesa anymore. Because this time around I’m trying to look out for myself and by doing that, believe it or not, I’m looking out for you. So can you at least fucking admit that, Lara? Can you at least admit you’re a flake who can’t stay for me, but you’ll still hold on for dear life? That you leave and make me sit around and wait for you to do it all over again. I’m your fucking drug Lara…you only come to get your fix and then you leave…I’m not doing that anymore.”

LARA

With every passing word, Lara felt herself shrinking in size. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. She knew that everything Matt was saying was right. She had changed everything about how she was with relationships to be good enough for Lara and Lara ruined them. She sighed heavily as things progressed, knowing that she was the epitome of a fuck up. She had left Matt with no word and was now going to have to face the consequences. She knew this and there was no arguing that. However, whenever the conversation flipped into something more, something heavier? Lara's eyes immediately switched to Matt. Her eyes bored onto the girl's face as her eyebrow raised at Matt's words. When are you going to fucking admit that you're exactly like your fucking mom?

The words felt like ice being thrown on her body. She felt like she was going to be physically ill with the way her body was heating up with anger. "Get out." Lara said, her voice soft as she closed her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. "Get the fuck out, Matt. Get. Out." Regardless of the truth that could be lying with the girls words, there was far too much residual pain from her mother leaving her and her father for Lara to begin to sort through. Much less, hearing the words coming from someone like Matt. She knew that she had said a thing or two about Matt being just like her mother whenever she had left before, but it was a different form of malice in her mind for Matt to be throwing her words back at her. Throwing her life experiences back at her. "Get the fuck out of my apartment, Matt. I'm not fucking kidding. Get out. And fuck off." She felt tears stinging her eyes as the words circled around her head, mudding the way that her thought processes were working. Her mother had left because there was something better for her lying in the form of another man other than her own husband, not because she was scared. It was something that, if in a different mindset, Lara would have been able to clarify about, but instead, she was resulting in anger. Shutting down. Despair. Regardless of what it was, Lara felt like she was about to break down in the fiercest of ways and the last person she wanted around for the show was Matt fucking Solis.

MATT

This always happened. Matt opened up about something--something honest and real--and Lara kicked her out. The last time? When Matt told Lara she slept with Scout and leading Lara on to something neither understood yet. This time? Because Matt told Lara something Lara needed to hear. Just how Matt needed to hear Lara tell her months ago the pain she felt for what Matt did with Scout. For taking Scout back. For leading her on. For saying just words. For never letting Lara in. For always being emotionally unavailable. Matt listened--it hurt like a bitch, but Matt still listened. But Lara? When she heard something too true? She resorted to either running or pushing you away. Matt chuckled dryly. "That's familiar. I've heard that before. This is you pushing me away but the moment you start to miss me and need that fix? You expect me to come crawling back." And a part of Matt hated that this was true.

"I don't expect you to admit that truth to yourself. I'll leave, Lara. I'll fucking go. But don't expect me to be that idiot that crawls right back to you. The moment I step out of this fucking door, I'm gone. I'm no longer...I'm not yours anymore. Because you can't even give me closure--or maybe this is fucking closure. Seeing you for who you really are." Matt voice cracked as she felt tears coming down her cheeks. "So if you tell me to leave again...I'm gone. You don't get to have me anymore. I just want you to know that." Matt shook her head. "It kills me to say that. It does." If Matt was going to leave, Lara had to know. About Reagan. And why walking away from this. Their history. Their tragically beautiful story...it was a little easier than she thought it would be. But maybe it was also because she saw Lara clearly this time...and she felt like a fucking idiot. And she didn't want to feel that way anymore. "I found someone, Lara. So don't think I'm coming back to you. You fucked up. And I deserve to be happy and if you won't even give me this...closure? Fine. But at least you can see yourself for what you are." Matt walked towards the door slowly, waiting to see if Lara would stop her.

LARA

Lara tipped her head back as she heard Matt beginning to speak again, wanting more than anything for her to stop. Everything to stop. She needed a breather or twenty so that she could deal with everything that was getting thrown at her. She needed things to take a moment. Take a seat. Take a break so that she could catch up to everything that was happening. Matt was being so brutally and painfully honest with her, and all Lara could do was freeze up and ignore everything that she knew was most likely right in the end. She swallowed hard as Matt was turning to leave before she was shaking her head. "I never expected you to be here waiting. I'm a fucking idiot and a bitch and an awful person, but I never expected little Mattie Solis to be waiting here for me. I have more fucking respect for you than to believe that." Lara delivered with a cold voice as she exhaled shakily. She needed to try and find some sort of calmness from within her. Matt was being real with her. Honest. She couldn't fault her for such a thing. "I want you... to be happy more than anything and I just... I'm not going to get in between that, okay? I'm not. But you do not have the...." Lara felt her body tensing up again at the simple thought of her mother before she was exhaling shakily and shaking her head. "Just... go. This is your closure. Whatever you're wanting this is..." Lara paused for a moment as she felt the tears welling in her eyes falling down her cheeks. She felt panicked. She felt anxious. She felt like a goddamn mess, but that was okay. She was allowed to feel that. "I hurt you and I know I did. I'm not... I don't... Expect anything but I can't... Just... please? Please go. I..." She shook her head before shrugging her shoulders once more and laughing pathetically. "Go be happy with your someone new and good and... better than me. Just go."

MATT

More than anything, Matt wanted to wrap her arms around Lara and kiss her and tell her she loved her, still, and apologize for being too mean and that it wasn't true. None of it. And that they could just be happy. But that wasn't reality. What Matt said was true. Should she have said all at once? No. That was kinda...a lot. But Lara needed to hear it. Even if Lara hated Matt for the rest of her life... Matt had to. It didn't matter, anyway. Whether Lara hated her or not, they weren't the same anymore. They were two different people. Two ghosts of their past selves clinging onto their back trying to revive what they use to be. But it was dead. They were dead. And it pained Matt so much that she started crying and nodded. "I'll go." Matt managed to say. "I don't know if I'll be happy like you say...but I'll go." Matt opened the door and paused. "I hope you'll be able to see what I was trying to do...sometime in the future. I hope you're able to see it." Matt said before walking away and closing the door, making it to the end of the hallway before leaning over to let out the sob she had been holding back the entire time. Because Matt knew. She lost Lara completely.

LARA

As Matt walked out the door with her final words, Lara was following her. She said not a word as a reply, but the moment Matt was pulling the door shut behind her, Lara was pushing it shut with a loud bang. She felt panicked. She felt like she was about to pass out from the anger that was riddling her body. She felt like she was about to drop to the floor with the guilt and regret that was washing over her. A part of her knew that Matt was right. The going was getting good, but it was way too good. So she walked away without a second glance. She knew that there was a part of that that was right, but she didn't care. She couldn't focus on that right now. "Welcome fuckin' back, Lara. You piece of shit," she spoke aloud to herself as she shook her head, allowing her foot to collide with the door in front of her in a last ditch attempt to be angry with Matt. She knew Matt was right, but there wasn't a chance in hell that she was going to work herself through that right now.