#this has been queued for months just to resurrect t

[zombiesbecrazy]

Five Times With Feeling - Part 5/5

Summary: It wasn’t like Barbara had never watched Buffy without Dick, but it definitely wasn’t the same without his running commentary beside her.

Or four times Dick and Barbara watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer together and one time they didn’t.

Written for @batfamcontentwar ​‘s #halloweencontentwar

ao3  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Part 5 - After the Crime Syndicate

“What you watching, Red?”

Jason’s voice interrupted Barbara’s train of thought as she stared at the screen, trying to find what she was looking for. She looked up to see Jason and Tim come into the room, carrying soft drinks and bowls of snacks. “Nice shirt, by the way.”

Barbara smiled and looked down at her grey and blue Nightwing t-shirt. Dick had bought it for her one day a few months ago when they had been wandering around downtown, trying to decide on a place to have lunch.  He had seen it in the window of one of those touristy shops that a local Gothamite wouldn’t normally be caught dead in, full of knick knacks and cheap souvenirs. He had dragged her inside, saying that she definitely needed a shirt of her favourite vigilante and feigned the appropriate amount of indignation when she said that she didn’t see any Black Canary memorabilia anywhere in the shop. He bought it for her anyway, grumbling about not being able to compete with the fishnets.  

It had been a good day.

Now the shirt seemed like an appropriate homage to Dick on what felt like one of the worst days of her life. It had been a few hours since his funeral and she couldn’t bring herself to leave the manor. She could have gone home but didn’t want to have to give Frankie or Alysia half truths about how she was feeling or a full rundown of their relationship history, so she stayed put. She had wandered around the manor for a bit, consciously avoiding Dick’s old room on the third floor at all costs, and now found herself in the family room, curled up on the couch under what looked like a handmade quilt, queuing up Netflix.

“I was going to watch some Buffy, but I wasn’t expecting you two to stay after the service. We can find something else if you want.”

“No, it’s perfect.” Jason plopped himself down on the couch beside her. Tim nodded and sat down on the other side of him. “Love that show.”

“Really?”

“Of course. I love a good resurrected character.” He settled a bowl of popcorn between them and stretched his legs out onto the coffee table in front of him. “The lady died twice and was still a badass. I respect that.”

Tim laughed softly, “Definitely has you beat, Jay.” Jason punched him a little harder than necessary in the shoulder, but Tim continued on, giving Barbara a smile across the couch. “Good choice for tonight. Dick made me watch this show when I started as Robin. It helped me unwind after patrolling.”

“Me too.” said Jason, “I learned how to do kip-ups from watching Buffy when I couldn’t get it figured out on my own. Bruce was pissed that he had spent weeks trying to teach me such a basic move and I could suddenly do it on my own after watching one episode with Dick.”

They looked at Barbara, who was a little surprised by these revelations. She hadn’t realized that Dick had passed on their obsession. “I made him start watching it with me. Every week since season two. First time we watched it together was in this room before a patrol.”

“So it’s your fault that we know all the words to Once More With Feeling?” said Jason, with a laugh threatening to break through his voice.

“One hundred percent. I’m glad to know that I’ve been such an influential figure on the television viewing preferences of Robins.” Barbara waved at the TV with the remote. “Anyone have an episode request?”

No one said anything for a few moments until Tim quietly asked, “What was Dick’s favourite?”

Barbara smiled and scrolled through the episode list on the screen and selected The Zeppo, catching Jason rolling his eyes.  “What? He liked Xander’s random side adventures. Plus, Jimmy Olson references.” Tim giggled and Jason grumbled something about Replacement but Barbara couldn’t tell if he was talking about Tim or the Xander body double episode. “It was either this one or Becoming and I don’t think I can handle that one right now. He was a sucker for the heartbreaking episodes too.”

Too damn close to home.

She hit play and sank back into the couch. It wasn’t like she had never watched Buffy without Dick, but it definitely wasn’t the same without his running commentary beside her.  When the theme song started playing, she felt something that could only be described as her heart imploding, until she felt a hand rest on top of her own.  She looked over and saw Jason’s sad smile as he rubbed her hand, and then at Tim, who had shifted to rest his head on Jason’s shoulder, eyes staring at the screen. Barbara readjusted her position to lean against Jason as well, getting more comfortable, and shifted the blanket so it was covering all three of them. It was nice, watching together like that.

Dick would have loved it.

Barbara didn’t have to look towards the door to know that Bruce was leaning against the frame watching her. She had heard him in the hallway earlier in the evening, checking in on the three of them, but not interrupting. Jason and Tim had just left, having watched five episodes with her (including a mandatory sing along), but they were planning on patrolling together that night and were headed out to the city.  Television was a great distraction, but while he hadn’t said it in a straight forward way, Jason wanted to grieve through violence and Tim hadn’t disagreed.

Netflix was still rolling, but she was no longer paying any attention.

“You could have watched with us.”

“I prefer Angel.”

“You would.  Creature of the night with a preference for wearing black, sticking to the shadows and always walking dramatically through double doors.”

Bruce hummed in response and entered the dim room.  He looked towards the screen that had continued onto the next episode in silence, and then sat down next to her.  He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his legs, face in his hands.  She had known the man beside her close to half of her life, but this was the first time that she thought that he looked old.  Weary and moving a little slower than usual.  And definitely like he had been repeatedly punched in the face recently. She wasn’t surprised, especially today and especially after the year he had, but she didn’t like to see it.  This was Bruce Wayne. The Batman. He was what held the city together day and night and was supposed to be indestructible.  

Until he lost one of the few things that was still holding him together.

He turned to look at her and those intense eyes burned into hers. “You were his favourite person, you know.”

She hit mute on the TV and shook her head slightly, “I think Damian would have disagreed with you about that.” The words slipped out before she could stop them and she slapped her hand to her mouth.  She couldn’t believe how stupid she was to mention Damian on today of all days; on the day that he buried his second son in as many months. It was something that they had all been tip toeing around knowing that Bruce had not been dealing well with Damian’s death well at all.  She didn’t want to think about what was going to happen now that Dick’s funeral was over.

“Perhaps.” His voice sounded emotionless and Barbara couldn’t tell if that was because it was trying to detach himself to hold onto some semblance of strength or if he was just exhausted and didn’t have any feelings left right now. She knew he wasn’t the stone wall that people often accuse him of being; he just couldn’t always express it the way that other’s thought he should. He cared so much that it sometimes just came out ‘wrong’.

Sadness sometimes just looked like anger in the wrong clothes.

Barbara shifted so that her position mirrored his and leaned in a little closer, but still far enough apart that they weren’t touching. “I also think you are selling yourself short in the ranking of Dick’s people.”

“I was his guardian, not his friend.”

“If he were here Dick would be arguing that you were both.”

She knew she was right and she hoped that Bruce knew that too, even if he wouldn’t admit it.  She had been there to see the evolution of their relationship and she knew that it was a mixture of father and son, brothers, partners, friends and colleagues.  Sometimes it was the combination of those dynamics that caused friction (to the point of explosion), but they always would be there for each other when it really mattered. Even in the end, it was Bruce that Dick had wanted with him, not anyone else.

“Maybe, unless we were having one of our bad weeks.  But he loved you Barbara. Since the beginning. That love changed as you grew up but you were always what you needed to be for each other. Dick’s heart always led his actions, for better or for worse. It was always going to lead him back to you.” Bruce swallowed and rubbed his eyes.  He just looked like the stress of it all was burying him. “Magnetic pull.”

“We weren’t together.”

“Doesn’t change anything I said.”

“Maybe if I had gone with him to Chicago we wouldn’t been sitting here now. If I had just followed him there…” That had been running through her mind a lot for the past few days. Maybe if she had been there in Chicago, he wouldn’t have come back. Something might have stopped him from being captured by the Crime Syndicate and then this whole mess could have been avoided. She had heard enough about timelines from speedsters over the years to know that just one change could alter lives dramatically.

Thinking about fate was an overwhelming thing when you were already depressed.

“Neither of you were ready for that.”

“He told you?”

“Most things. Not sure he always realized how much he told me. Chatterbox.” He gave the smallest of shrugs, “He talked. I listened.”

“And grunted.” He grunted at her in response and they both smiled a little at each other. “I don’t really blame myself.  I just wish we made different choices sometimes. I wonder how we ended up here.”

“Don’t we all.”  Bruce was looking at a row of photos that were on the bookcase against the wall. All of the photos in this room were pictures of the family that Bruce had built rather than the one that he had been born into. Nearly all of them had Dick in them - by himself, or group shots with Bruce, Alfred, Jason, Tim or Damian, and she saw herself in a few as well.  The one that Barbara had always found herself drawn to was one from when Dick must have been about nine years old, getting a piggyback ride from Bruce.  It looked like a candid shot, probably taken by Alfred, and Bruce was grinning over his shoulder to look at Dick, who was clearly roaring with laughter.  There was something about it that was just so Dick.

Barbara placed her hand on Bruce’s forearm. “He loved you, too.”

“I know. Probably more than he should.”

“You were his dad.”

“I wasn’t. Not really.”

“You were in every way that mattered.  At least to him.” She brushed her fingers lightly against his arm and his eyes snapped back to hers and there was something there that she just couldn’t place. “He told me so many times that he was lucky that he had the chance to have two amazing fathers, when some kids don’t even get one. He was shattered when we thought you were dead. That he had lost another father.” He cast his eyes back to the floor, without Barbara having figured out what he was thinking about. “He’d do anything for you. You know that.”

“I’m gravely aware of that.”

It was one of those times that she had had over the years that she got the feeling that while she was talking to Bruce, they were having two drastically different conversations. Sometimes she called him on it, sometimes she looked into it later, but this felt like one of the few times that she was just going to let it rest. She didn’t need to know what Bruce was actually talking about if he wasn’t going to volunteer the information. Not today.

“Are you going out tonight?”

“No.” Batgirl and Barbara both needed a night off, which is why she hadn’t gone out with Tim and Jason. Her mind wasn’t in the game and she couldn’t afford to make a mistake in the field and get hurt. “Do you mind if I stay here?”

“Not if you don’t mind some company. I’m staying in too. It’s my pick now, though.” Barbara reached over to the end table and pulled out a bag of M&M’s and tossed them to Bruce. He grinned at her and grabbed the remote, hit a few buttons and the screen changed, and Barbara burst out laughing as words started scrolling on the screen.

Dick’s other viewing obsession was apparently up next for tonight.

“You may have got him hooked on Buffy, but I introduced him to Star Wars first. And he dressed up as Luke Skywalker for Halloween three years in a row. I win.”

“Dick was the best of us. We all got to win.”