#thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shirtlessradfahrer · 7 months

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hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

#i'm so angry #thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all #how long have i suffered for no reason #because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit #...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently #but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over #and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context #and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset #and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five #because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school #i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down #and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do #and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset #and several other things #and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :)#just slightly more professionally #NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her #and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty #and why i felt so drained after even a short shift #but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train #and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me??#but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week #and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing #but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously #considering he's been our family doctor since my birth #and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either #jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me

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