#thinkin Thoughts

[stonerhog]

one of my biggest gripes about feedists is that anytime I say I’m working out or going to the gym I’m immediately met with “oh you shouldn’t be doing that! I’m fit enough for the both of us!” and I need people to understand this is such an insane thing to say

for starters, I’m not going to the gym to lose weight, I’m going so I can stay fat. I’m not exercising to be skinny, I’m exercising so I can exist in this body as comfortably as possible. even if I was, it’s no one else’s business. this association with exercising = doing it for weight loss absolutely baffles me, and the entitlement people demonstrate when they tell me not to makes me furious

it doesn’t matter whether feedees do or don’t exercise, whatever they do with their bodies is their choice, but the idea that feedees shouldn’t exercise purely because there’s a chance they might lose weight is fucking dumb. stop acting like fat people only exist for your pleasure and getting sulky when they talk about being real people

[magniloquent-raven]

I've been having thoughts about the Tommy's Favourite Movie thing. Mostly about how I can see him staying within the 90s-early 2000s problematic but mostly heartfelt and incredibly heterosexual romcom zone. Even after he comes out.

Like, he is aware of queer movies, he's heard of many, he's seen the lists. People who know he's gay always ask if he's seen them when they don't know what else to say. And he's not avoiding watching them, not exactly, he just. Hasn't. A lot of them are just too depressing, too real, too much. He's dealt with enough tragedy in his life and on the job, he doesn't need to wallow in it in his free time.

But the thing is he's kind of more uncomfortable with the idea of watching the ones that aren't sad. Some skittish little animal part of his brain recoils from the idea, curling up to protect itself. Because he's lonely, and he doesn't want a reminder of that. Watching trashy romcoms about people he doesn't relate to doesn't force him to confront anything about his own life. It's mindless fluff, so far removed from his own experiences that he can comfortably spectate.

(And side note, I CAN see Buck trying to do the baby gay gotta watch all the LGBTQ movies thing, only to look up a bunch of lists and realize he's already watched all the ones he'd actually be interested in. He, mostly jokingly, laments to Tommy about missing out on a core part of the coming out experience, only to find out that Tommy skipped that step too. In a different way. A few months into their relationship Buck talks Tommy into watching his first gay romcom because it's something they can do together.)

[frnkiebby]

that cute fuckin smile i stg~🎃

[l1ve-l4ugh-lov3craft]

i should receive financial compensation for the fact that I have to go to work tomorrow

[piratefishmama]

hey wouldnt it be super cool if you could just. hand your deadname off to the fae.

like, not your fancy new absolutely you name, the one that isnt you, might not have ever really been you. The fae get their name and the power it still holds over the people who refuse to let it die, maybe they even get a little of those people, and you get to be free of it and their nonsense forever.

wouldn't that be cool.

[ofmdee]

😵

been having some thinky thoughts today, and for a while, rly, abt my Feelings abt breathing underwater and i tried to type something up on twitter but that jsut was not letting me think my thoughts correctly

i love BU........... so goddamn much. it started out as nothing more than a silly idea abt little mermaid ed meeting stede and kind of ballooned into what ive built it up into today. it's so important to me... but it's making me a little miserable right now?

miserable because i dont want to work on it, but i WANT TO want to work on it, i want to tell this story and read the finished product, ive got so many ideas, but i just. cannot get myself to do the actual WORK of making sentences and then staging all the pics........... what used to be a fun little pastime now feels like a chore, an obligation, a compulsion almost. it sucks, but it sucks more NOT doing it, you know what i mean? idk.

i know ive built it up into this big THING to myself, like... idk, i do this so often, i have big ideas and love to plan and organize them and then i get going with such intensity until i abruptly fizzle out. i start things and dont finish them, and i guess i just rly dont want this to be another thing that gets thrown on my unfinished projects pile :/

i have the next 2 parts drafted, but every time i go back to poke at them and edit them i just get so disheartened because it's obvious that my heart wasn't really in writing them, and it's difficult to salvage a rough draft like that. part of me wants to just delete those parts entirely and say fuck it im taking an indefinite hiatus, and i will start fresh when this is fun again! which would probably be the best thing, actually, but... i am reluctant to do that, because i just dont have anything else to rly fill my time rn.

i havent been getting a lot of joy out of... anything, rly, for a long time now, im so bored and apathetic and even my normal go to things arent cutting it anymore. and idk if it's a depression thing or if im truly outgrowing some interests, but either way i know i need to get more Things in my life somehow, because writing and sims are my two biggest pastimes, and then i combined them, and then i got sick of both so ive got so little to go on! so i keep poking at the things that i used to love, hoping to find that spark again 😪 i love these little guys and their little world!!! and it makes me sad that im not actually having Fun with the PROCESS.

it doesn't help that i am constantly torn between man i wish more ppl read my fic!!! i work so hard on it!! and man i never want anyone to perceive me or my writing ever it's so amateur!! idk what i want and idk what i want to DO about it!!

so, idk!! idk where this is all going, lol, i just... wanted to try and organize these thoughts somehow.

trying to reason w myself that at the end of the day, i am writing a fanfiction. that's it. it's not that big of a deal, and yet it feels huge to me, somehow. I don't wanna let down the ppl who are reading it, and i dont wanna let myself down again, either.

BUT it's not supposed to make me feel miserable it is supposed to be fun i am lowkey crying rn because like urghghghgh why isnt it fun?!!?!

so. i think i gotta do some more thinking, because not making any kind of decision is making things worse! and idk, if all of this hasnt put u off of the idea of my fic, here is the series page lmfao i could use some encouragement i guess......

but i am going to seriously put more thought into an official hiatus, because i think i am getting Too preoccupied with it again and it's messing with me!!!

i actually had a decent time doing those kitty ed pics today, even tho they didn't do so hot, so maybe i am just gonna try to focus on that kind of thing, doing stuff that actually catches my attention, and also doing things without the intention of sharing them at all. allowing things to be messy. i get so caught up in the thought of someone else seeing my work that i paralyze myself trying to make it PERFECT.

i had a decent time doing that oneshot from ed's pov as well. so maybe i need to work on projects that are a bit smaller scale. i dont have to say goodbye to BU stuff forever, but i am just so ALL OR NOTHING that it feels like a way bigger decision than it actually is 😓

so i guess....... im gonna sleep on it for a while. think about it and try and come to a firm decision. because if i take a break, i need to REALLY take a break, which includes not thinking about it all the time and constantly beating myself up for not doing it 😅

idk, thank you if you read this far, here are a few kitty pics of ed for ur time:

[shrikesandstarlings]

He/They Will Graham...

[stonerhog]

last night I got super horny and came incredibly hard watching some old bloat videos of mine. it feels kind of narcissistic to say but at the same time, I know what I like, I find my own belches incredibly sexy, so why not? it feels so good to be so turned on watching myself. feedism has made it possible for me to cum watching myself and touching my own body and I think that’s exceptional

[magniloquent-raven]

every time the episode cut back to the airport i was overcome with the urge to write missing scene fic about hen, chim, and eddie just sitting there hanging out for like. HOURS?? how damn long were they there???? just sitting on top of the rig waiting to see if athena would land. playing rock, paper, scissors and talking shit about gerrard's concussed ass.

were they worried about being there past the end of their shifts? did chimney have to text his babysitter with a warning that he and maddie might be late? the kids would've been in bed by the time they got home anyways but he still wants to check in. and hen tries not to flinch at kids, plural. or maybe karen was watching the kids. her and denny, who's old enough to help with the babysitting now, instead of just being another kid who needs watching. and hen & chim have an awkward back-and-forth about who should text her. they both end up doing it. eddie's silent the whole time, fingers itching for his own phone and a reason to use it.

[paranormaljones]

Today's Vibe Is:

Anakin Sitting Contemplatively in a Field

[persimminwrites]

thinking about the portrayal of grief in andor

thinking about cassian traveling to morlana one to search for his sister. his determination to find her even though deep down (i believe) he knows it's futile. even though he knows it's reckless to mention kenari and his connection to it. there's a dogged insistence to continue looking for her - a desperation to his actions that he may not be fully aware of because it would be so much harder to come to terms with her death than it is to put himself in danger.

thinking about a young Cassian getting on that crashed ship after one of his people is killed. his anger and frustration and grief spilling out as he begins destroying the thing that brought death to his life. he's confused and distraught and he lashes out physically.

thinking about bix chained to a wall as she's forced to stare at timm's body, unable to go to him - to hold him, forced to be at a distance from him, forced to grieve for him at the tail end of being angry with him for his actions.

thinking about cassian choosing 'clem' as his cover name when he joins the aldhani mission. he picks it on instinct even though he knows that a cover name isn't supposed to have a connection to your personal life. he can't help but reach for the comfort of his father's name when pushed into an uncertain situation.

thinking about lieutenant gorn aiding the rebel alliance. an imperial officer whose love was killed by the empire that he serves. he grieves his love and he grieves for the aldhani people. he carries the weight of his own past actions that played a part in the tragedies that have befallen the aldhani people and he becomes vengeful, knowing and not caring that his actions will likely lead to his death. he only cares about hurting the empire on his way down.

thinking about vel shouting a broken 'no' when taramyn dies in front of her. she never gets to go to him and is forced to leave his body there to finish the mission. she has to harden herself to the loss of the people around her because everyone is always at risk of dying. vel is always grieving. she grieves for her friends even when they are still alive and standing in front of her because she knows that death isn't a matter of if but when.

thinking about cassian and vel watching nemik be crushed by the weight of imperial credits they just stole. vel is forced to decide between the surety of mission success and potentially saving nemik - sweet, wonderful nemik who has more hope and faith than anyone else. Cassian making the decision for her to find the doctor because he told nemik he would sleep when it was over but not like this.

thinking about cassian sitting outside while the doctor tries to save nemik, unable to be at his side, to watch, but unwilling to abandon him even though the job is over.

thinking about vel staying by nemik's side until his death, being forced to listen to and carry his dying wish. her insistence in carrying it out. she holds out his manifesto to cassian and won't back down until he takes it even when there are other concerning things going on.

thinking about cassian immediately refusing nemik's manifesto. he doesn't want a reminder. he does not want to carry the weight of someone's dying wish with him, someone who was so bright and full of life and hope in the short time that he knew him. when vel insists, he takes it. and we see him carry it with him for the rest of the show. he carries that manifesto even when he runs away, seeking an escape. he returns for that manifesto after escaping prison. he listens to that manifesto the night before breaking bix out and it gives him purpose. it gives him comfort. it reminds him of a man who he only knew for a short time but who impacted him deeply. and even though cassian does not carry the physical manifesto again, he carries nemik's words with him for the rest of his life.

thinking about cassian returning to ferrix, his home, and being reminded of clem's death as he walks through the streets avoiding imperial troopers. he is helpless against the onslaught of memories just as he was helpless to do anything but watch all those years ago.

thinking about maarva being unable to walk through the main square where clem was hung. she walks the long way around. until aldhani. aldhani gives her hope and she is able to walk somewhere she wasn't able to before and she is able to face that street and think of clem and she is able to smile.

thinking about all of the prisoners on narkina 5. they are forced to come to terms with the fact that they're already dead, dead men walking. they grieve for themselves. they grieve for those around them. they are pushed to desperation, and they turn that grief into defiance. they fight for their freedom because there is only one way out and they're already dead so what does it hurt to fight to live.

thinking about cassian learning about maarva's death. he is quiet. he is unmoored. he was coming back for her.

thinking about B2EMO not wanting to be alone. he just wants maarva.

thinking about ferrix's funeral traditions, about a community surrounded by grief. it's in the walls that house them. the people of ferrix are surrounded by the dead and their memories become their strength.

thinking about the portrayal of grief in andor and how it shows so many reactions and coping mechanisms and journeys of healing and acceptance along with those who can't find acceptance.

grief is a weight and andor shows us that there are so many ways to carry it.

[taylortruther]

i can't decide if it's a choice getting swept away

[starboy14176]

would anyone be interested in a full multi chapter tellexx lore story? Like if I wrote a fic that included like. The WHOLE thing

[fandom-hoarder]

Thinking my 'Jo is John's daughter' thoughts, and further thinking:

John wrote in his journal about Jo, and how Ellen told him Bill and Jo could never know. Dean knew about Jo the whole time. He doesn't go in there expecting to meet his adorable half sister, and he can't help that his dick reacts to her before his brain catches up.

He also can't help that realizing she's his secret half sister only makes his reaction stronger. 👀

[cyb3r-mutt]

We should totally play wrestle!!! I mean we both know I could win if I really wanted to but it’s cute to see you think you have a chance!!!

[worstoftimesbestofcrimes]

zukka rwrb au. think about it.