#theyre nothing like anyone i've ever dated physically

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

[existencebringsonlypain]

1-70 skip all needed if they make you uncomfy

*deep inhale*

LONG POST INCOMING!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah! they're lovely people

02: Who did you last say I love you" to?

probably my mom

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret many things. can I think of any right now? no

04: Are you insecure?

not really, generally

05: What is your relationship status?

single, but also a minor and aroace so it's not sad or anything

06: How do you want to die?

preferably suddenly without prior notice. that way I couldn't have regrets

07: What did you last eat?

a werthers caramel

08: Played any sports?

nope

09: Do you bite your nails?

not bite with my teeth, but I pick at them often

10: When was your last physical fight?

.....I cannot remember if I ever have fought anyone physically. don't think I have

11: Do you like someone?

I like a lot of people. romantically? no

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yea. completely accidentally at first, but at one point i thought "ha, I've come this far, I'm just gonna hold out" and then I did

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hate is a strong word. that said, I suppose I might hate jack, cody, juan, and phoenix from school

14: Do you miss someone?

uhhhhh not really

15: Have any pets?

four cats and two dogs. three out of four cats are rescues

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

throat hurts but overall feel the same as ever. which is to say, not much.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

no. do people do that???

18: Are you scared of spiders?

not really, unless they're actively on me. theyre fuzzy and adorable

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

....no. I don't want to forget to do something and regret it for the rest of eternity

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

im aroace

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

take care of neighbors cat and otherwise sleep

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

no. might at some point tho, but adopted, and only if they're older. only one.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

ears pierced, nothing else. only one

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, english, math

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

no. mostly because I've forgotten them. cue existential fear of forgetting childhood friends etc etc

26: What are you craving right now?

anything cold

27: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

not to my knowledge

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

never dated

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

nope

30: What's irritating you right now?

physical symptoms. am sick

31: Does somebody love you?

romantically? not to my knowledge. platonically? hopefully lol

32: What is your favourite color?

lavender. it took maybe four fifths of my life to figure that one out

33: Do you have trust issues?

if trusting too much counts, yeah

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

don't remember

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

probably random school people. I have issues with breaking down at school. usually can suppress it tho

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

no, don't think so. if you break my trust I won't give it back easily

37: ls it easier to forgive or forget?

forget. don't mind how it's pretty much never optional for me

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

nOPE

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

older than I am now

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

outside of my house? absolutely not

51: Favourite food?

actually do not know. crunchwraps from taco bell are very good. chow mein from panda express is VERY good. canned corned beef hash is great. that indian dish with the flatbread you dip in the spinach is v good.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

nope lol. some shit just happens

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhhhhh don't remember. probably listened to a YouTube video

54: Is cheating ever okay?

look man i'm aroace and barely even understand what attraction is. i'm not the guy to ask about this

55: Are you mean?

not intentionally

56: How many people have you fist fought?

a whopping 0, here's hoping it stays that way

57: Do you believe in true love?

nah. it's all a spectrum. how long love lasts may be longer than your lifetime, but I don't think it's infinite. then again never been in love so

58: Favourite weather?

thunderstorm. the dark kind

59: Do you like the snow?

literally never seen it irl

60: Do you wanna get married?

nope. unless it's for tax benefits

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

no that is so gross imo. you are calling me an infant. but again aroace

62: What makes you happy?

no clue, it varies and isn't guaranteed

63: Would you change your name?

eh. maybe. it'd take some time to get used to, maybe wouldn't want to put in the effort

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

I'd kiss fluffy the cat as many times as it took for her to understand its an affection thing

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

panic

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yea. Ben D. he's great

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my brother probably

68: Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?

depends what you call deep. if this counts than whoever's reading this

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

isn't this a repeat? either way no, not exclusive to individual people anyway

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

prolly most of my friends and my parents

[nofoodclub]

I was careful on my wording for my manifestations bc technically i am sleeping with j right now lol not that i don't enjoy this i did very precisely say i wanted to fuck, do the sex, or really and kind of close physical intimacy… anything like that could come next we will see…aside from dragging him to the bed or straight up asking for it idk how to make it happen it took us months to get to it the first time who kiss l knows how much the both of us will shy away from initiating round 2…theoretically it should be less awkward the 2nd time but that would be true if the last month or so didn't happen the way it did… neither of us wanted it to play out like that but it did and now we are here so gotta figure out how to make the best of it….i really would like the best of it and for things to not quietly fixzle out… we could have lots of good times and funs just gotta get past step one and get it going… that'll be the hard part but i belive in us. Wow last night was the first night in almost a week i didn't fuck anyone we better get to it quick before i lose my streak 6 nights 3 partners was a whole new kind of deal for me or can go on record as my slutty week lol i don't want it to be over it was quite fun and there's still the 4th partner that I'm missing and he's the most important one…. and he's right across the room from me but unfortunately fully clothed and no cues as to things moving in that direction other than the tangible level of awkward or sexual tensions between us earlier…i just gotta keep being patient it'll play out the way it should and in my eyes it should play out in a very fun and happy way that involves sucking of his dick then letting that slide on in me and building on the feelings i has from when he sent me the text saying good girl bc wow two words one text and it got me so fucking worked up nothing has hit me at that intense of a level it was a straight 0-100 in 2 seconds i need more of that i need him to fully be my dom and fuck me the way I've been waiting for. There were nods to it the first time but we were feeling eachother out and getting lost in the intimacy of the occasion it was probably some of the most passionate sex I've had more so than with r bc wow the feels i already have for this guy, they're a lot and I'm all for it i want every part of it every day from here on please and thank you. Still loving my free pass to stare at his lovely face all i want its very nice i and l want this to last forever but i would also really like him to wake up so we can have all the funs…. leaning more to the side of he should wake up all that talk has me pretty horny atm and there's the prefect person to take care of my needs laying right in front of me how lucky

Very thankful for the sunlight coming in now… giving me a nice look at his lovely face that i haven't seen for like an hour since i shut off the lights… here's the first time I'll say this…. thanks sun for coming out at 6 am

Oh goodness lil pup is snuggling her daddy its so fucking cute i want to be a part of those cuddles so bad theyre adorable had to take a picture of the cute bc ohmygod i cant hope he never sees all the pics ive taken of him sleeping lol theres a few…

He has stirred….for a momenf, repositioned now nkt really alseep i sense waking will be a thing shortly. At least i hope it will be sleep is nkt a thing for me st the momenf. Maybe a nap this afternoon

Out of curiosity just confirmed the date and tomorrow will mark one month since we did the do…hmm would be fitting for it to happen today, that is if he ever fucking gets up uhg im bored and i wana bone there is a beautiful man only a few feet away from me and all of his clothes are securely on with no removal even hinted at how sad….but really tho i am incredibly physically attracted to him…and emotionally and any other type of attraction there is im sure im feeling it for him but ive resigned myself to know that theres next to no chance of it going anywhere past maybe a few more casual hookups due to current/permanent obstacles that wont allow for anything closer. But still i would love to feel him that close to me again. It felt right….more so than really any of my other encounters have felt. And i fucking wanted it. Thats what im missing a lot of the time, i go for easy targets because i know i wont fail but then i loose interest very quickly amd by the time we get to sex im kinda over it but still horny enough that i still want to fuck just all of the excitement is gone for me. That was not the case with him….probably what is keeping me so stuck on him is the ati wanting him, the challenge is still there, its still a conquest for me and theres still the possibility of failing meaning if it works, ive won the prize and its a pretty darn good prize too. If only my prize would wake up!!!