#they're all so messy i wanna chew on their brains

[biherbalwitch]

and here we have the world's richest, brattiest wet cat who not-very-lowkey wanna be held and taken care of (if only he could get his head out of his ass and stops taking a harsh left turn ruining every soft moment with his rich boy bullshit that is also definitely a defense mechanism)

[apocalypticgargoyle]

𝘽𝙊𝙔𝙁𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙉𝘿 | 𝙠𝙖𝙧𝙡 𝙟𝙖𝙘𝙤𝙗 (18+)

∘ request(s): I am in love w all of you and i'm getting to the others when they fit :)

my personal favorites:

∘ pairing: edgy!Karl Jacobs x fm!reader

∘ warnings: nsfw (minors dni), smut, choking, fingering, slight domination

∘ links: 𐐪 ao3 𐑂 𐐪 previous part 𐑂 𐐪 submit an edgy!karl edit 𐑂

a/n: my incentive for getting these done (when they're fuffy) is listening to 21st Century Vampire in a dark room for four days, in case you guys were wondering.

Your tongue felt like sandpaper as you chewed the inside of your cheek. "No, uh… I think I need some time…" you trailed, your eyes flashing to his. "... To think…"

He nodded slightly, taking one last look at you before slipping out your front door, the lock clicking shut behind him.

Your heart hammered in your ears. You took a seat on your couch, carding your fingers through your hair as his face flashed into your mind, the somewhat confused expression boring a hole in your heart. You’d led him on, you knew it. It wasn’t that you weren’t into him, but the cold fear of what the two of you had vanishing after assigning labels flushed through your body. What if it was only as strong as it was because you weren’t stuck to each other? Was the fact that you were choosing to sleep with him and him alone not enough? What more could he want?

Then it dawned on you; what more would it be? The two of you were already attached at the hip a ridiculous amount of time, you already knew more about him than you cared to, and obviously, the two of you were already past the awkwardness of building a sexual relationship.

So what the fuck was wrong with you? Would it be so awful to be his girlfriend?

You avoided him for a few weeks, your mind burning with guilt and indecisiveness. As soon as you had straightened your thoughts and favored one reality over another, it was like buyer’s guilt persuaded you the other way.

Lectures were quiet, even lonesome for you without him around. That would add to your Pro Karl list; he was great company, especially in public, when he knew people were watching the two of you. Would that element be different when the two of you were dating?

You hadn’t realized how apparent your moping had become until your roommate brought it up one night. You were tucked into your favorite spot on the couch, mind racing with how to solve your problems. “I called Karl. I’m sick of this weepy, self-loathing bullshit. Man up and tie him down. I know you want to,” she stated bluntly, tugging open the curtains in the room to get to the windows. The night breeze wafted in as if it’d been knocking against the glass for an hour. “He’s outside.”

You blinked at her as she pulled you out of your seat. “He’s what?”

She pulled you behind her, slipping on her jacket. “I’m going to Clay’s. Work this shit out and let me know if I need to vacate for the week,” she jested, making you roll your eyes as she pushed you out in front of her. As she headed down the stairwell, Karl was on his way up, greeting her brightly as he usually did.

He smiled at you gently as he stopped in front of you, fondness and allure playing in his eyes. Even if you looked disheveled, he still looked upon you with pride and admiration. His hair was longer, but despite that, he looked exactly the same way you’d left him. You cleared your throat, the wind bringing his scent towards you. “We need to talk,” you mumbled. “You were right.”

He pressed his back against the dividing wall, tucking a cigarette behind his ear that he had between his fingers and looking out over the railing behind you. The city lights reflected in his eyes. "I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. I just..." He looked at you softly. "Fuck, I really like you."

You crossed your arms, hands rubbing against the sleeves of your hoodie to generate more warmth. You were so torn. Most of you, wanted to wrap yourself up in him and give in to his offer while the ugly, nagging thoughts in your brain told you to run. "What about after we cool down then?" You asked, making one of his eyebrows feign to furrow. "Are you still going to be attracted to me after I'm… domesticated?"

He smiled slightly. "I'll probably be attracted to you even when your tits sag to your waist, baby." You rolled your eyes at his joke and he crossed the space between the two of you, shoes dragging against the cement. He pushed his fingers into your hair, settling his hand against your neck so his thumb brushed against your jaw soothingly. You leaned into his touch. "I just want to be locked down by you," he chided. "... Officially."

You let out a small wheeze. "You're not gonna be into my friends next week, are you?" It was a joke, but it came out as more of an insecurity.

He fought not to grin. "You're fuckin' serious?" He used his other hand to separate your arms gently, stepping into your embrace. "When I'm with other people, all I can think about is how they're not you."

He pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth, eliciting a pleasant sigh from between your lips. You tightened your arms around him, basking in the warmth of his body as you threaded your hands beneath his jacket. "Even your mom?"

He snorted. "Don't make this weird," he jested, making you laugh softly. He pulled your body completely against him, digging his face into the crook of your neck as you sighed tiredly, your cheek pressing against his shoulder.

The bathwater was warm against your skin, Karl’s arm wrapping around your shoulder to pull you closer to him in the small tub, making you giggle slightly. You paused what you were doing as he dug his nose into the crook of your neck. You struggled to shrug from his grasp. “If you don’t stop, I’m gonna mess up your nails,” you wheezed, before he surrendered, leaning his back against the porcelain.

It was a brighter color than he usually wore, but the hue still gave him the dark appearance he prided himself on. Goosebumps peppered your skin as he drew absent-minded shapes into your back with the pad of his finger. “I missed you,” he hummed. Despite having your back to him and concentrating on not smearing his nail polish, you could hear the content smile in his voice. “And now, I’m your boyfriend,” he mocked, eliciting a snort from you.

You screwed the cap on the polish when you were satisfied with your work. “I feel like a middle school girl every time you say that,” you grumbled, jokingly.

He snickered. “Me too.” You could feel him watching you carefully as you blew on the nail polish, his fingers to your lips to test their dryness. He curled around you again, pressing his lips to your neck, his other arm curling around your torso. His breath was sweet against your skin, mixing with the steam from the water. “Stop it, or I’ll get too excited,” he groaned, making you smile.

You moved his hand to rest in the crook of your neck, fingers threatening to demonstrate his true strength. He swapped hands, his fingers dipping beneath the water towards your heat. His other hand wrapped around your neck, waiting for your first moans until applying pressure. Your head tilted back against his shoulder as he rubbed circles against your bundle of nerves, a sigh of pleasure spilling past your lips as his teeth nipped gently at your shoulders.

Your knees peeked out above the surface of the water as you leaned further back against him. He pressed his lips to the skin behind your ear. “Look at my girlfriend, so needy so quickly,” he moaned in your ear, slipping one of his fingers into you. His name fell from your lips as if your life depended on you repeating it. He pumped another finger into you, basking in the way you reacted to him. You hated how well he knew your body.

Before you knew it, your back was pressing into your sheets, Karl hovering over you. You dug your fingers into his hair, tugging lightly on his locks as he pushed himself into you with a moan. His hips rolled against yours, his forearms resting on either side of your head, pressing his lips to your shoulder. It wasn’t long until he was thrusting in and out of you, teeth printing his mark on your skin. “All mine,” he moaned as your fingernails pressed into his skin.

You smirked slightly, rutting your hips against his. “Oh, right there, Todd,” you moaned almost pornographically. Karl stiffened slightly, struggling not to laugh as you giggled.

His teeth dug into your neck, shutting you up with a moan. He pushed your hands above your head, intertwining his fingers with yours while his other hand moved to wrap around your throat. “He fucking wishes,” he hissed through gritted teeth, making your toes curl. His pace slowed, focused on driving himself deeper into you, reaching your sweet spot with each of his thrusts.

You moaned his name, pressing your lips to his shoulder as he dug his nose into the crook of your neck. He muttered pet names into your ear, coaxing you over the edge with his declarations of ownership over you.

The next morning, you wrapped your arms around Karl’s waist, pressing your cheek against the middle of his shoulder blades as he stirred whatever he was making. Your hands looped into the front pocket of his hoodie. The kitchen was humming with life as the radio hummed softly in one of the corners and the two of you lightly conversed.

You moved to lean against the counter beside him, attempting not to completely gush at the sight of his messy hair and lazy smile as he made you breakfast. “So, do I get to wear your letterman’s jacket now?” You joshed, making him smirk.

He flipped a pancake. “I mean, you can if you’d like, I think it’s at my mom’s,” he answered, soft tones of sleep still hanging in his voice. “You can twin with your pal, Todd. We went to the same high school.”

Your head tilted at the news, mouth slightly ajar. “No way. Please tell me you’re joking.”

He shrugged. “We lived down the road from each other growing up,” he recounted, making you chuckle at the irony.

You wet your lips slightly. “Now that we’re official, do you wanna have a threesome with him?” You asked sarcastically.

“If Todd’s dick comes anywhere near me, I’m moving to Iceland,” he finalized, making you laugh.

Tag List: @mrwinemaker @madsbbg @idiotinnit @xxtakechancesxx @chxrrymilkshake @westyywifee @kiritokunuwu @theholycakehole

[nuclearnerves]

INCOMING VAMPIRE AU THOUGHTS

Don't mind me I'm finally getting the ideas I had on this shit out so I can actually go forward with developing it as an AU. It's my usual mixup of fps protags, Gordon Guy and John, but I'm starting with Gordon as the Vampire and Guy as the Vampire Hunter.

absolute beast of a wall of text under the cut

What If Being A Vampire Literally Sucks All The Time Forever like chronic pain sucks. like THAT level of sucks. Like Here's what I was thinking of. Being a vampire isn't just "being alive forever but you need to drink human blood" It's like Oh man I have some lore you look at vampires and their main thing is that they're blood suckers right so lets start with a corpse dead body. cadaver. no longer with us. just some rotting meat. The brain needs oxygen as fuel. The blood supplies the oxygen through blood. The blood is pumped through the heart. The blood is made by your bone marrow. You die. Your heart stops beating Blood stops pumping Brain no longer has oxygen to think marrow stops making blood thats standard! Now, becoming undead, as a vampire, is a little more complicated. The long and short of it is: your body is FIGHTING ACTIVELY to be alive against all odds and wins every time (immortality), but it hurts the whole way

I have the gist of it. It's like. Your heart stops. By all means, you should be dead. but the magic kicks in, and you're still thinking. Your brain is still sending signals to your muscles to move. But using what oxygen to move? whats burning in you? You don't know but you know it's just enough to get to your next meal. So you ferociously eat something, and then find you can't swallow. You can't make saliva. You barely have the energy to chew, and once you DO get something in your stomach, it immediately comes back up. Why can't you feel your pulse? What's going on? You're out of options so you figure you might as well just lie down and die. You're too tired to keep going anyway. So you do, you lie down, and you close your eyes, and you quietly hope that death is as peaceful as sleep. You realize you've actually been moving around without breathing, which makes sense because you can barely flex your diaphragm for more than a shaky wheeze. How are you thinking with such little oxygen? But as you fade from consciousness, you can feel something in you, and it's so upset, it's crying, it's filled with grief, and you instantly can tell it's your skeleton. It's your bones. You're distraught down to your marrow. You're dying. You're dying! Your heart stopped and you have no more blood! You need blood! You need blood to move! To breathe! To think! You try to breath deep again for the voices in your bones, trying to comfort them, to sooth them with the repetitive motion in your lungs, trying to fill yourself with anything but grief, but they keep wailing. We make the blood, our creation, our child, what we put all of our work into is gone! gone! gone! We need it back! Anything! All of it! Find it! Bring it back to us! We're hungry! WE'RE HUNGRY!

and once you find yourself too exhausted to listen, to think, how badly you wish just to die already to cease hearing this wailing, you find your body moving without you. And it's hungry and it's searching and it's crawling on all fours and it misses its beautiful red life that made it feel so full before and it needs it back, and the next thing you know you're desperately grabbing anything with blood in it and shoving it in your mouth in a desperate attempt to sooth this cry for life, you don't want to die, you don't want to die, you worked so hard to keep up this body and craft it and LIVE with it and you're not going to go, and even when you try, even when you try to lay down and die, your body refuses, it takes the reigns, and it keeps up the work itself with or without your help. And it's not until your stomach is full and your teeth are stained and you feel a pulsating burning in your bones that you snap back awake, completely conscious, just fine. You're lucid, you don't feel any more pain. Everything around you is dead and drained and messy and your heart still isn't beating. but you can breathe now and holy shit you guess you literally need to kill to survive and the less you eat and the more you starve yourself the worse it gets when your body finally decides to take recourse.

my idea was like. "the vampires curse is actually stored in the bones, thats why the teeth get so sharp and also theres a connection between blood and bones with the creation via bone marrow" its literally like i was sitting there thinking "no no no, whats it like to be a vampire. what neurosis would you develop. How would you panic? What are common mistakes beginner vampires make" which, by the way, gordon is a beginner vampire

so now you gotta factor, what blood lasts for how long? how long can you go between meals? not only that, but what creatures satisfy the urge? How long can you go avoiding human blood? Does it work like drugs where you develop a resistance to the high, or is it like food where it will keep you moving until you eat again? How the fuck are you gonna get your hands on blood? Can you just eat raw meat? Does that count? and thats where im at lol

OKAY now. now thoughts on beginning scenes of vampire au

So my idea was this Doomguy is a vampire hunter independent and one of his buds says that some freak scared and almost attacked his daughter when she got too close to his old abandoned laboratory up the hill and hes like “he might be… you know… a problem. if you needed a lead” and guys like yeah i fuckin hate the undead ill kill this dude so he busts into old lab space and sees so many dead animals its actually mostly Bones and pelt that hes seeing piles of feathers etc so hes like yeah this is all telltale signs of vampire uhhh hes introduced to gordon SOMEHOW im not totally sure of the details but the working idea i have is guy falls into a trap gordon devised that restrains him suspended in wire or something and gordon like. limps/stumbles into the room and this dude looks haggard he’s breathing heavy, his cheeks are hollow, he’s bug-eyed and shaking while looking at this massive wall of meat in his trap and he bares a bunch of hideous teeth and grits them and looks like hes really struggling with somethin... Like if these dudes don't know each other then Gordon might give in and try to drain Guy, and Guy would absolutely do anything in his power to turn this new vampire into ash, im thinking the inclusion if g-man as a coven leader can fix both issues.

i like the idea of guy falling into gordons trap and gordon thinking about what to do with him before gman shows up and whisks gordon away for a “meeting” while complimenting him on his good work catching the most feared vampire hunter in the country and gman just leaving guy suspended in wires that he has to fight his way out of. Instant situation defuser.

Guy ends up needing to take care of other monsters before going back to Gordon, and he DOES plan to go back to gordon, because no vampire is a good one, especially not one associated with the fucking head of a coven, but next time he sees Gordon, Gordon helps him out of a scrape by attacking and draining a combine who was going to take Guy out or something and escaping before Guy can catch him, or otherwise seeing Gordon do something good with his insane undead powers and like, the third time he meets up with him is when they can actually talk, and Gordons fuckin SO haggard, he’s not even fighting back and he’s even going as far as to say “just make sure theres nothing of me left when you’re done, I don’t want anyone else getting hurt”

Side Note: Guy has a bunch of scarring on his body from dealing with vampires, cops, ghosts, werewolves, anything violent that kills people. I'm playing with the inkling of an idea that he has Divine Blood in him, so that any time something undead bites him or tries to drink his blood, it burns. We'll see.

Side Note 2: now i really like the idea of the combine actually being an organized faction of vampire hunters that are WICKED crooked and exploit people for all their worth in exchange for their “safety” when they kill a vampire They’re essentially loansharks and Guy fucking hates them and hates the name theyve given to vampire hunting

Side Note 3: You've probably noticed that I haven't said anything about John yet! He's in this too. His species is a surprise but I need to get to him later I have an idea for where he came from (Cortana too)

I still need a good reason for Guy to not instantly kill this vampire, if not it's just gonna be "Gordon Freeman escapes the countrys best vampire hunter like a seventh time" every time they meet and they end up being rivals. And it gives Guy enough time to look past the whole "undead monster" thing and start looking at the "Oh this dude figured out how to fight his ridiculous craving for blood in a way more humane than most and is actually staying out of peoples way and keeping to himself. Guess he's not that big of a threat but I still need to keep an eye on him in case he loses it. Turns out he's got a family (Probably Alyx, Eli, Issac and Barney) who's been lookin for him and cares about him as well, don't wanna hurt them". I like the idea of them ending up needing to team up to take out undead together.

And that's what I got so far!!!

[deviliciousdev]

MBTI✨Emotionally Blind as a Bat🦇

(follow up to A Small World)

intj (the architect)

x

enfp(the campaigner)

couple

+

intp (the logician)

best friend

--------------------------------

[monday, midday. intj & intp re-painting intj's private office space]

intj: *takes a deep breath* intp. do you have to paint genitalia all over a wall before you paint it?

intp: *gasps* it's not ALL genitalia, that ones a UFO 🛸!

intj: [looks at giant odd shape below UFO] what is that suppose to be? a malformed penis with... teeth? 🧐

intp: what?! it's a Carnotaurus 🦖! A theropod dinosaur from the Late Cretaceous Period resembling a tyrannosaurus with a frontal cranial horn. [looks at art work that looks like a five year old did it] rawr.

intj: *camera looks*

[office door opens, enfp enters with coffee]

enfp: heyyyy 😁

intp: [not looking up, splattering paint on wall like a three year old] ollo!

intj: *glaring at intp as enfp comes up and kisses them on the cheek* hey, [grabs coffee] oh thanks i really needed some caffeine.🙏

enfp: mmhmm 🥰 [looks over at intp's chaotic horrible drawings] oh my god what the hell is that? a vagina with horns and... claws??

intj: [laughs] 😄

intp: [rolls eyes] 🙄 ugh! it's a Carnotaurus! you two and your dirty minds bunch of perverts. [shakes head]

enfp: [hands intp their iced coffee]

intp: oo! thanks! [keeps splatter painting]

enfp: no worries 😌 [points to drawing above intp's head] what's that one? a flower? 🌹

intp: huh? oh that's a vagina.

enfp: [looks at intj with a smile]

intj: [closes eyes and shakes head]

enfp: [goes and sits on plastic tarp covered desk and crosses legs] soooo intp, someone really liked you on saturday night 😁

intp: oh god, how?! it was so awkward between me and esfj. 😣

intj: [starts laughing] when they put the healing crystal around your neck and started explaining how essential oils are more effective than vaccines [dying laughing] you can't buy that kind of entertainment. 🤣

enfp: [chewing on straw laughing too] the way your eye started twitching 😂

intp: HOW IS PEPPERMINT OIL GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM POLIO! I- *takes a deep breath* nope nope nope, not worth it, intellectually deficient minds *takes another deep breath* are not worth the energy. [starts painting normally]

intj: yeah that was uh ahaha really terrible ahhh [starts painting with roller]

intp: [turns toward enfp] exactly thank you so how could esfj possibly want anything more?

enfp: oh no esfj actually went home that night with estp.

[at the same time]

intj: what?!

intp: what?!

enfp: *giggling* i know right i was whattt okkkkuuurr ahaha!

intp: wait then who are you talking about?

enfp: oh entj! obviously, aha!

intp: [silent panic triggered by human emotions sets in] entj... really?

enfp: ummm yeah it was pretty obvious they were super into you. 😄

intp: it was?? [actually confused]

enfp: ummm yeah! they were flirting with you so hard! are you kidding? how did you not get that??

intp: i don't know!? i just thought they were being friendly and joking around!

enfp: [utterly stunned at intp's emotional blindness] 😦 intp. entj ate the cherry out of your drink while maintaining full eye contact...

intp: i just thought they really liked cherries!

intj: [laughing, shaking their head]😆

enfp: they tied the cherry stem in their mouth and gave it to you!

intp: i once saw a drunk frat boy eat a cheeseburger out of the garbage! you never know what effects alcohol will have on the brain!

enfp: ohhh myyy godddd intppppp!

intj: [crossed arms, laughing hard, shoulders bouncing up and down]

enfp: they gave you their phone number! AND asked for yours!

intp: i thought they were being polite! i don't know i didn't want to assume anything!

enfp: [face palms] 🤦 oh my god. *takes a deep breath* well annnyyywayyy, entj really liked you. 😁 they told me they're gonna text you asking to grab coffee with them this week. [raises eyebrows in an enticing manner as they sip their iced-tea]

intp: 😳 [more panic sets in] wha- what- why- why would they do that?

enfp: because they like youuuuu...

intp: why?

intj: *laughs* [teasingly] yeah why?

enfp: [gives intj a death glare] you shush! intp you have so many great attributes why wouldn't someone want to go out with you?!

intp: no i know. i mean what do they like about me. i need at least some evidence to back up this claim of "liking me".

intj: [painting] Error 404 Not Found. [snorts holding in a laugh]

enfp: [throws unopened pack of soft paint roller rolls at intj] look intp, if you wanna know that you're just gonna have to go to coffee with them and ask em yourself 😏 [sips tea ☕️]

intp: 😳 [looks back and forth in indecisiveness] coffee? are you sure they didn't just mean like as friends?

enfp: ugh! intp! entj said and i quote: "i'm gonna text intp and ask them out, what'dya think lil coffee date"?

intp: oh...

enfp: what's the problem? do you not like them or something?

intp: [without skipping a beat] no! um i mean i don't dislike them. i mean i don't know them!

enfp: that's sort of the point of going on a date. but you did like them when we hung out on saturday night right?

intp: i found their opinions and persona- um intelligent, humorous and... refreshing.

enfp: and hot, right? [raises eyebrows]

intp: well, duh, i'm not blind!

enfp: [laughs a little as intj walks next to them to organize paint tools] soooo?

intp: soooo??

enfp: are you gonna say yes?! 😆

intp: umm... i don't know, i'm not really good at nor fond of the whole interrogation ordeal that accompanies first dates. it always feels like i'm on a really boring but difficult gameshow.

enfp: [wraps arm around intj's waist] ughhh c'mon intp!

intj: [fake coughs] coward!

intp: [gives intj furrowed brow] 😠 wha-?!

intj: oh sorry i said, coward.

intp: how-?!

intj: [cuts intp off] you're using this weak theory about the awkwardness of first dates, which most people feel, you're not special, to justify the fact that you are just nervous to go on a date with entj, because you're not only physically attracted to them, but you also have a genuine emotional connection with them, which you preceive as being illogical due to the brief time you've spent with them, and you're confused about having human feelings for someone for the first time in a long time and you're afraid you're going to fail or mess it up in someway, so you make excuses to avoid the whole illogical and messy ordeal all together.

intp: 😐

intj: and in some ways, or most ways i suppose, i completely understand that. [looks at enfp] but, i've learned that sometimes you have to stop being a coward and jump in the mess and see what turns up.

enfp: awww 🥰 [hugs intj tight with one arm around their waist]

intj: 🙄😏 [puts arm around enfp's shoulders]

enfp: plus you'd be a total idiot not to go out with someone as hot as entj.

intp: [taps finger on chin with squinty eyes] you're absolutely right enfp!

intj: [throws arms in air] 🙄

enfp: yes!