#they will not SETTLE for normal domestic home life they want ODD-BALLS we're the fucking ADDAMS family in this bitch

[slasherscream]

poly Billy and Stu and their s/o as parents? like the type of father's they'd be and all

A/N: glad you all know that i'm only here to put these dumb-ass boys in all sorts of domestic scenarios and nothing else. 

     billy loomis x reader x stu macher   ft. starting a family with these idiots

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Let's get one thing straight here. Billy has been dodging the idea of starting a family since you started having it. He could smell the urge to have a kid on you and was like (big gag). There are so many reasons for him being like this he can hardly name them all. This doesn't stop him from trying        you know, cause he's a huge asshole. 

Him? Somebody's Dad? Okay babe, sure. He lists a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with the root of the problem which is actually his own insecurities. Yes it's true he's never really liked kids much. Yes it's true he's probably not the best role model even after all these years of growing up. You get the picture already Billy, fucking hell. 

Stu is neutral on the subject for a long time until his own "biological clock" starts ticking. Then you both find yourself sharing longing looks at families you cross on the street. You'll be having lunch out somewhere and coo at a baby that's all the way across the restaurant. Stu happily joining in. Once Stu is on your side Billy starts getting really defensive  .... (aka more insecure). 

Honestly you're not the one to talk him out of his own head for this one. That's all Stu. Because as ridiculous and goofy as Stu can be he understands intimately and deeply how Billy works         no matter how much of an enigma Billy fucking thinks he is. Billy storms out because he doesn't want to deal with his feelings (first time he's done it in years) and Stu goes to chase him down and tells you not to worry, he's got this.

You're very upset but when they come back the first thing Billy does is kiss you gently, Stu standing in the doorway and simply watching. There's several visible hickies on Stu's neck so you know he and Billy already made up while they were gone. Now it's your turn to receive Billy's apologetic affection. You and Stu share a knowing exasperated look over Billy's shoulder. You both love him though. 

Billy was just insecure about being a shitty parent or your relationship falling apart and somehow effecting a kid. Honestly it all goes back to his own undealt with familial problems and once Stu gave him an honest talk about how you're all not #His Parents?? He's good. He's using his braincell again and he's fine. 

Now onto the actuality of having the kid! You're in for quite the ride co-parenting with these two bastard idiots.

Stu is the dad you can get away with doing just about anything with. He���s the parent that if you go to them they’ll just say yes. Sometimes he’ll use his one borrowed braincell and hit the kid with “did you ask dad?” or “did you ask s/o?”. The kid pouts because like .... obviously fucking not since I came to ask the parent who'd just give in. Weak-willed! Weak-willed! Weak-willed!

This is Billy every time he has to talk to his kid about any bad behavior.

You'll have to be the PTA parent right off the bat because the boys are just ...not gonna. Unless there's a real problem they're gonna default assume everything is fine and not look deeper or get too involved because like... This has nothing to do with my fucking kid in particular? You want me to go to a parent meeting....about....repairs in the library? Fuck you.

The one exception to this is during the "first starting school age" and it's Billy who is the exception. Stu loves the kid but he's very chill and not a helicopter parent. He's honestly the one who has to calm you two down a lot because he knows everything will be fine.

Billy? Kid first starts school and he's this parent (don't watch past 15:00). He thought he'd be fine but he's anxious as shit. The last one to leave the drop-off even if his kid is fine. But oh god .... oh god if they're freaking out? Oh boy he's gonna start freaking out. Hiding it like a pro but you know your man and can see the panic in his eyes. One well placed "daddy I wanna go home!" and he'll break and haul them right from the classroom. You and Stu have to intervene.

Billy wants to hang out in the cafe that just so happens to be a five minute walk from the school all day. You put your foot down and tell him they're gonna be fine. You have to cuddle him on the couch all day to keep him still. When it's time to go pick the kid up he's out the door ... so fucking fast. He almost leaves y'all highkey. Billy and the kid run to each other full speed and he picks them up and doesn't put them down...like....all day. No you two cannot get a turn. 

Sometimes Billy gets very emotional about the life they’re giving their kid. Not out of insecurity or anything like he thought would happen when he first thought of starting a family with you and Stu. He actually realizes that you’re all doing a fantastic job of being parents and that your house is full of love to the max. It makes him soft(TM).

Wanted to keep this totally gender neutral but it’s gotta be said ….. this goes double for if the s/o is a woman. Seeing them with their child stirs something in Billy deeply vulnerable. He’s literally buried his head in the crook of your neck before and thanked you quietly for being such an incredible mother. He was so sincere about it you started crying and honestly? ….Maybe he allegedly got misty eyed. Okay back to gender neutrality now! 

Y’all wouldn’t have more than two kids honestly. I can’t imagine Billy and Stu wanting more than that. And they’d want to have them really close together/close in age so they grow up close/as friends. They're the single kids who kinda wished they'd had a sibling growing up. Billy because he thinks that would have been less lonely and Stu because he thinks it would have been fun. You (if you have siblings) know.... better. But if you wanted multiple kids yourself you keep your mouth shut and just wait for them to watch and learn. 

Stu is the favorite parent honest-fucking-tea. He just is! He’s playful. He’s fun. He’s loving. He lets his kid climb all over him and play wrestle. They're constantly playing airplane or on this man's shoulders. He can match them energy wise any day of the week. He doesn’t stop being the favorite when they get older either. When the kid is like grown/20′s        basically whatever their "I am no longer being raised to be a person" stage of life? They’d probably dead ass hang out with him as a "friend".

"Nah I can’t come to the party I got plans with my dad this weekend…. fuck you he’s way more fun than you guys-”

Billy is the strictest parent but he’s very loving and devoted. He’s the parent your kid runs to whenever they feel they need protection. It warms Billy’s heart to be that to them. Their first line of defense against the whole world. It’s been like this since they were little. If they had a nightmare they’d run into the bedroom and bypass the two of you completely and head straight for Billy. He's also a little smug about it. Especially to Stu and especially if they have a daughter. I'm the alpha Dad?? Tremble before me.

They don’t have a preference for adopting or having bio kids. You’re probably the deal-breaker on that, your choice goes. 

Adoption? They both thought they wanted a boy. Super adamant about it. Gonna play football... grill shit together. ...grill a football together. You? Neutral. But all along you knew damn well you were gonna wind up having a fucking daughter. Lo and behold!

They see a little girl playing by herself in the corner. She can’t be much older than six. She set herself up a whole little mini city and then they watched as she took a dinosaur toy .... and destroyed it thoroughly. She made quiet screaming people noises and everything. Or just ..... this. They instantly looked at each other like 👀👀👀      are you seeing what I'm seeing? 

Billy, clutching his chest: oh shit what’s going on You: your heart is growing three sizes you fucking grinch- Billy: don’t fucking curse she could hear you and she’s ours now-

Once they've got the perfect weirdo little girl under their belt then they'll think about having a boy. But they'd want to make sure she's totally settled into life with the three of you before they bring another kid into the mix. And ... lmao if she expresses disinterest in having another kid around. She is ... #Princess and gets whatever she wants. Whatever! She! WANTS! 

You have to convince her you three will never love her less even with another kid around and besides .... she's gonna be getting a stinky brother this time so she'll still get to be daddy's (plural) little girl. She agrees and now the boys are back on board. Fucking absolute pussies. 

Funniest fucking thing if you guys go as a family once again to try and get a boy and instead your daughter bonds with a ..... get ready for it! Different little girl! Billy and Stu are fucking SCREAMING. Look at her this one is perfect too. God dammit ... god dammit we have another daughter now. 

Two daughters? Two? They'd rule the fucking house. Billy can see manipulation coming from a mile away and yet he let's it happen because they're both so cute running the show. Plus it's like when lions fake being hurt when their cubs attack them to encourage them to be better hunters. He wants his daughters sharp! He wants his daughters clever! He wants them to be able to do whatever the fuck they wanna do! 

Stu is less good at seeing the manipulation and it's so fucking funny .... he doesn't even wanna see it! He's legally blind! His babies want something? He will throw any amount of money at them and whatever they want. Is the Dad that they'd beg him to start like... a new hobby or sport and he'd get them everything they need to do it (top of the line expensive shit) and then! If they wanna quit a week later? Not even mad! What do we wanna do this week, sweethearts? 

You have to stop them from being spoiled, little monsters because your husbands sure fucking won't. 

You have walked in on them doing tea parties and you did take pictures. Stu was posing for them while Billy just looked straight at the camera with murder in his eyes and you knew in your heart you were gonna be getting payback for this later in the bedroom (worth it). 

Billy is the type of Dad that if he tells someone he's gonna be busy watching his kids and they go "oh? babysitting duty, huh?" he launches into a ten minute rant about "how am i fucking babysitting? it's my fucking kids? these are my kids? you can't baby-sit your own fucking kids. that's called parenting. you know what, Nicholas? that's why your kids are so fucked up-"

Billy starts beef with other parents if I didn't make that clear. 

Stu is the parent that gets too into whatever his kids are doing. School plays? Soccer games? Science fair? Jesus christ... he has quite literally almost gotten you all banned from every activity your kid has been in. He's gotten penalties before. Decided to skip the middle man once and coach your girl's teams to make it easier. Chaos ensued that summer. 

Honestly? Best Dad(s) Award. 10/10. Should totally do it again. 

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